Thursday, December 27, 2007

Holiday


Apples & Moustaches is on holiday and will return Wednesday, January 2nd. 
Be safe and we'll see you in the new year.
Holla.

Friday, December 21, 2007

All I want for Xmas


Top 10 gifts I want this Holiday season (you paying attention darling?)

1) A fire engine:
Not one of the small van-like engines but one of those big fuckers. The ones where it takes a second driver to sit in the back to steer. The kind that is so loud tourists, children and marina chicks all scurry when it rolls by. Yeah. A big ass fire engine. I want one of them.

2) A shovel:
In case I’m ever channel surfing and I land on “Clash of the Choirs.” I’ll need to quickly put an end to the TV’s life for its devastating mistake. How many episodes will this last? 4? 2? Can it get any worse than this? The best part is in the previews when the announcer says “Four superstars…” and then they show Nick Lachey, some country singer, Michael Bolton (I swear!) and the other chick from Destiny’s Child. Or, this will be a huge success and we’ll be a little bit closer to understanding why everyone on this planet hates us.

3) A pro sports team:
Fledging or otherwise, it really doesn’t matter. Any of the major three sports are required, football or baseball is preferred. I think the Dolphins are for sale as are the Mets. If I got the Dolphins I would insist their logo got a facelift then I would cut their entire offense. Everyone. Even you Ted Ginn, Jr. If I owned the Mets…hell, I’d see if it came with a gift receipt. What a bunch of d-bags those guys are huh? (note: If I want my friend Josh to call me back the best way is to insult his favorite team..I’m thinking my phone will ring right about …now.)

4) The Nirvana Unplugged DVD, now available for the first time.
Not much explanation needed other than when this aired for the first time I was 12 years old and was still trying to figure out why I had hair in weird places. I remember where I was the first time I ever heard Nirvana play – and it sounded like the apocalypse before I ever knew what that word meant. I want the DVD for 2 reasons: 1) so I can watch it on my own terms, in the comfort of my own home, with my exact recipe of extra curricular activities as I see fit. 2) So I can watch it over and over and over again. Can someone get this for me please?

5) A t-shirt from The Bucanneer.
A local bar on Polk St. It’s only $10 and the coolest one is a black shirt with a picture of a skull and cross bones on it. People would look at me on the street and be like “whoa, that dude is totally tits.”

6) A mini-basketball and mini-basketball hoop.
Just for old time’s sake. We’d put it up in the living room, Jericho would come over, and we’d play one-on-one with lineups from 1995. My three man rotation would consist of David Robinson, Charles Barkley and Tim Hardaway. Jericho’s would be Michael Jordan, Hakeem and Shawn Kemp. I asked him.

7) My own personal sushi chef.
How sweet would that be? Maybe 3-4 times a week, only at dinner time. I’ve only recently discovered Sushi and I love it. There are 2 things that can make sushi difficult to eat; 1) sometimes it can taste like feet and 2) sushi is expensive. Getting my own personal chef would solve both of these concerns…can somebody get this for me please?

8) A ‘batphone’ of celebrity gossip.
This is what I really need. A tap into whatever the hottest, juiciest, steamiest gossip in Hollywood may be. What would I do with this information? Sell it? Start my own gossip network? Nope. The only reason I want this magical gateway into gossip heaven is to once and for all beat my sister in the ‘who heard it first’ game. Man, that would be cool.

9) A food drier.
I love beef jerky. I want to make my own. I want to make steak jerky. I want to make salmon jerky. I want to make sushi jerky. I want to make burrito jerky. I want to make Jack and Coke jerky.

10) World Peace.
What? You thought I was just an asshole didn’t you?

Last thought: Check out http://ruinromo.com/...genius.




Thursday, December 20, 2007

2 Apples and 2 Moustaches


Apple:
Would you rather be really busy at work or have nothing to do? It’s a problem I’ve been dealt with this week as the year is winding down. The obvious answer is nothing to do. But let me tell you, I’m pulling my fucking hair out. I’ve resorted to crop dusting the new girl, making my foot fall asleep then trying to walk up a flight of stairs, and IMing Jericho to see who can come up with the most disgusting bedroom scenario involving a Santa hat and a Cup O’Noodles. (I’m winning FYI) Hell yesterday I snuck in a 15-minute nap downstairs and nobody knew. Is it Xmas yet?


Moustache:
Two sites worth mentioning today, both from friends of A&M:

*The first is called Mister Product and it’s a shopping blog. Mister Product finds cool things on-line and tells us about them...it's that simple. The dude behind it is David Beach. A renaissance man in the world of Web 2.0. I know this much, when he’s talking I’m listening.

*The second is The Champagne Bubble. This blog is brand spanking new only having kicked off on Monday. But it’s been a long time coming. Miss L offers a chestier approach to the world of pop culture, man meat and drunken excursions. Give it a shot. This bitch knows what’s up.


Apple:
I can’t stop listening to Jose Gonzalez. Fantastic stuff. His minimalist guitar work and tribal melodies are hitting hard these days. Something you must know about me, when I like music I don’t mess around, I digest it like I’m Ryan Gosling trying to get fired from a movie. I’ll ravish a new artist like I’m a Spears sister on a first date. And right now, Jose Gonzalez is my 19-year-old stud and I’m an innocent 16-year-old southern bell. Bring it Jose. I’m wide open.


Moustache:
Let’s get one thing straight; this whole Jessica Simpson cursed the Cowboys thing is a load of crap. First or all, as I mentioned earlier, Dallas is bored. They’re coasting until they get into the playoffs. Secondly, it’s a complete coincidence that Romo plays shitty when Simpson or Carrie Underwood is in attendance. Anyone considered the fact that Romo isn’t great at putting together a complete season? Remember last year when he shit the bed down the stretch? There is one reason this has become a big story…the NFL is pushing hard to build its female audience. Expanding globally is important (as evident with preseason games in London and China) but the female population is just as important. And what better way to promote football to females than with an US Weekly beauty queen attending a game in a pink fitted Romo jersey? (Available now for a limited time at nfl.com) We at A&M are not buying it, not one bit. You want to talk chicks and football let’s discuss Brenda Warner, Jennifer Walcott or Pam Oliver.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

10 easy ways to improve your day or someone else’s


1. When a homeless person asks if you can spare some change, say “yes” in a very cheerful voice and keep walking

2. When an activist from a very worthy and / or innocuous cause, e.g., Greenpeace, Freeing Kids from Forced Labor in China, etc, asks if you would like to contribute to whatever it is they’re fighting for, say “hell no” in a very cheerful voice and keep walking. “Would you like to stop dolphins from being raped on the open seas?” “Hell no!”

3. When ordering your drink at Starbucks look at the person’s nametag and then say your name is the same as theirs. That little moment of “hey, we have the same name!” always brightens someone’s day.

4. Fake a limp for a few blocks; those looks of sympathy will cheer you right up.

5. Use loaded but totally acceptable words like “abort” and “penetrate” as much as possible in casual conversation. “I had a great idea but I now I can’t remember, guess my brain decided to abort that one!” “I’ve been on hold for ten minutes, I can’t seem to penetrate Bank of America today.”

6. Ask a pregnant woman if she knows who the mother of her baby is, because she does, and everyone likes to feel responsible.

7. Pretend your food has feelings; bullying your lunch is a great way to feel better about yourself.

8. Take your coat off on a cold day, throw it over your shoulder and then walk around complaining to everyone about how cold it is. I mean, people love to talk about the weather!

9. Feed your cat the cheapest, most generic cat food you can find but put a box of really expensive cat food on the counter. After all, ignorance is bliss!

10. Walk into a bar and order something totally made up like a “limping nun” or a "double chinned dolphin.” When the bartender asks what’s in it, say “vodka, ice and tonic water.” It always makes people happy to discover they have skills they never knew about.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Apples and Moustaches’ Entirely Too Early Oscar Nominations Predictions


Best Picture
Atonement
Charlie Wilson’s War
No Country For Old Men
Juno
There Will Be Blood

Atonement, No Country For Old Men and Charlie Wilson’s War are absolute shoo-ins, the other two spots are tougher to predict. The Academy loves to nominate one “little film that could” and Juno definitely fits that profile (although I’m secretly pulling for Once, it’s fucking fantastic, see this immediately. Seriously) and also one “I know this is a good film but I don’t really understand it so I’m going to just assume that it’s really, really good and nominate it” film, and There Will Be Blood fits that bill perfectly.

Potential Dark Horse: Michael Clayton, Sweeney Todd

My favorite that won’t make it: Once, Gone Baby Gone


Best Director
Coen Brothers, No Country For Old Men
Joe Wright, Atonement
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Tim Burton, Sweeney Todd
Sean Penn, In The Wild

In the old days, the best pic noms and the director noms always matched, this has shifted the last few years and now usually features:
3-4 directors of best pic noms (Wright who is the real deal, The Coens who everyone loves and PTA, the wunderkind who comes back firing after a few quiet years)
1 extremely talented director who made a great film that not everybody liked (Burton)
1 Academy favorite (enter Sean Penn, plus the Academy loves actors who direct)

Potential Dark Horse: Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton

My favorite that won’t make it: (Marc Forster, The Kite Runner, my favorite director right now so I’m biased)


Best Actor
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson’s War
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
James McAvoy, Atonement
Denzel Washington, American Gangster

Some big, big names and a hot-shot newcomer head this list. It’s gotten to the point now that as soon as Daniel Day-Lewis says, “Yes, I’ll do that” he’s instantly nominated. He’s that good and picks projects that well. (My favorite Day-Lewis story, did you know that it took Leo and Scorsese months to even find him when they wanted him to be in “Gangs of New York?” Apparently, he had retired from acting all together and was living in a tiny town on the coast of Ireland making shoes. Isn’t that amazing?) Hanks is back in his first Oscar-worthy role in a while so definitely count him in. Oscar stalwarts Clooney and Denzel are in big, showy roles that the Academy loves, and McAvoy announced himself in a big way with Atonement. Crowded category, Hanks, Clooney, Denzel and Day-Lewis have 6 Oscars between them, get ready for a dearth of “the most Oscars ever in a group of nominees!” stories.

Potential Dark Horse: Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises, Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd, Emille Hirsch, Into the Wild

My favorite that won’t make it: Casey Affleck, Gone Baby Gone


Best Actress
Kiera Knightley, Atonement
Julie Christie, After Her
Ellen Page, Juno
Laura Linney, The Savages
Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose

Kiera Knightley in a period piece = nomination. Julie Christie is an Oscar stalwart that hasn’t been heard from in a few years, the Academy loves that. Everyone will love Juno and rave about the “amazing cast,” Page will ride that wave to her first nomination. Linney is an industry favorite who’s never won and Cotillard got rave reviews playing a drug addicted singer, which next to slaves and retards always = nominations.

Potential Dark Horse: Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth II, Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart

My favorite that won’t make it: Katherine Heigl, Knocked Up


Best Supporting Actor
Tommy Lee Jones, No Country For Old Men
Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson’s War
Casey Affleck, Jesse James
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

First three are easy to predict, lots of buzz around their roles, 2 Oscars and a bunch of nominations between the three already, count them in. The Academy will be torn on Casey, wanting to give him a best actor nom for Gone Baby Gone but not sure who to bump from the top five, they’ll give him this as a consolation. Not sure about the fifth spot, but my feeling is a lot of people wanted Wilkinson to win the best actor prize a few years back for “In the Bedroom” and will throw him this one to make up for it.

Potential Dark Horse: Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, The Savages

My favorite that won’t make it: Homayoun Ershadi, The Kite Runner


Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There
Vanessa Redgrave, Atonement
Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson’s War
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

This is always the weirdest, most surprising and hardest to predict category. The first three are in stone, even though I hear Julia’s only in the movie for about 8 minutes, the second two are harder to predict, but I defy anyone to show me a better performance than Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone, she’s incredible.

Potential Dark Horse: Saoirse Ronan, Atonement

My favorite that won’t make it: Kelly Macdonald, No Country For Old Men


Best Original Screenplay
I’m Not There
The Savages
Michael Clayton
Juno
Knocked Up

I think the top four are definite, not sure about the last one, but the Academy will want to somehow honor one of the most original and successful (never underestimate Box Office success in the nomination process) movies of the year.

Potential Dark Horse: Once

My favorite that won’t make it: Shooter (oh fuck off, this movie ruled! Any script that names its hero Bob Lee Swagger gets a nom in my book).


Best Adapted Screenplay
Atonement
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood
Into The Wild
Charlie Wilson’s War

The only potential surprise would be American Gangster knocking Into the Wild off the list, other than that this list is set.

Potential Dark Horse: American Gangster

My favorite that won’t make it: Zodiac (remember this one?), Gone Baby Gone

Monday, December 17, 2007

The Football Hangover: 12/17/07


Fantasy Fuck You: Tom Brady.
Note: Neither Jericho nor I are in any fantasy playoffs this year but we are still following the action. Brady fucked people this past week. Royally fucked ‘em. Fucked ‘em like A-Rod just did to Scott Boras. Of course the funny thing about all of this is Brady could care less. His team is 14-0 the last thing on his mind is all of us losers out there screaming at our TV for him to huck it to Wes Welker. On behalf of my father-in-law (who was ousted from the playoffs because of you) and all of the rest of us out here in fantasy world…fuck you! (What am I saying? I can’t stay mad at you Tom Brady. It’s that chin dimple.)


Forty-Niner Football
The Forty Niners had a pulse this weekend. On Saturday night, Shaun Hill befuddled the sports world (or at least the 3,500 in attendance and the other 5,000 watching on TV) by dismantling the Bengals. Where did this guy come from?! (Maryland) How would you describe his playing style? (Poised) Alex Smith who? (Whom?)

On a side note, eat me Marshall Faulk and Deion Sanders. We know, you guys are legends…possibly the best at your positions of all-time, but if you’re going to do commentary of an NFL game then add some value. It seemed that every chance they got they would hype themselves or justify a good Niner play on the field by saying that it was against the Bengals. Idiots.


How bout them Browns?!
The team to be scared of this playoff season is the Cleveland Browns. They can beat you through the air, they can grind it out on the ground and they’ve got a stingy offensive line that is peeking at the right time. I wouldn’t want to face these guys in January in the snow…that’s for sure.


Dallas Cowboys
They'll be fine. They’re bored. Can you blame them? They’re biding their time until the NFC championship when they can stick it to the Pack again and make a dream Pats/Boys Super-Bowl matchup. Can’t you just feel the anticipation for when Costas turns to the ‘players’ lounge for Tiki, Bettis and Collinsworth’s thoughts on the match-up? It might go something like this:

Costas: What a match-up we have brewing Super Bowl Sunday. Let’s check in on the fellas in the player’s lounge to get a different perspective. Guys?

Collinsworth: Thanks Bob. This is going to be good stuff.

Bettis: Sho is.

Tiki: What I really like about this match-up is that both teams play with 11 guys on each side of the ball. When I played it was essential to have 11 guys on every play.

Bettis: Man, you didn’t ever play with no 11 guys on the field.

Collinsworth: Easy there big fella.

(Laughter ensues.)

Collinsworth: Back to you Bob.


Brett Favre
Favre passed Dan Marino as the all-time leader in passing yards. Who cares?! Die already will you? Aren’t you the same age as John Elway? Why couldn’t you just leave when he did…10 years ago?! Is anyone else sick of Brett Favre too? We get it, you’re old, you make stupid plays, you’re one tough s.o.b…haven’t you gotten enough accolades? Go open a car dealership in Madison, WI and leave us alone, please.


Friday, December 14, 2007

Links: Chicks, Clemens and Batman!



Trailer of the new Batman movie Dark Knight!
Click it...come on, click it


http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/
Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. My score was 22. Little fuckers….
(thanks KK)


Eminem’s mom has a book out.
Who’s actually going to buy this? Some diehard fans maybe and the kind of people who visit Crack Whore Confessions (as seen on TV.)


Rolling Stone’s coverage of Led Zepplin’s performance earlier this week:
Rumors are swirling they’ll headline Coachella in May. My bags are already packed.


How bad are the Niners?
My friend has an extra ticket to the game tomorrow and NOBODY wants it. What? It’s Shaun Hill’s first NFL start…history will be made. Most likely in his pants mid-way through the 1stquarter.

"He is really, really concerned and upset that he has been named in this report," – Roger Clemen’s lawyer. Are you kidding me? You fat fuck. You fucking cheater. My two cents on the Mitchell Report? It exonerates Barry Bonds without question. Everyone was doing it. He had no choice but to play along and he still demolished the HR record…that’s what we call a FACIAL!


Wait. Is Emma Roberts hot?
Is she too young to be having this conversation yet? Can we get a price check please?


Mischa Barton in Maxim:
Whatever.


The Girls Next Door in OK!
I like the lesbian looking one. Always have.


Thursday, December 13, 2007

Five Quick Thoughts on the Impending Doom of the Mitchell Report


1.
I fucking hate baseball, I think I need to make that point before I dive in, so take this post with a grain of salt, in fact take this grain of salt and inject it into Rafael Palmeiro’s ass.

2.
Speaking of Rafael Palmeiro’s ass, isn’t that the stupidest, weirdest and most ridiculous part about taking steroids? If you’re Mark McGwire don’t you turn to Victor Conte or whoever your dealer was and say, “look, I’m Mark Fucking McGwire, I’m worth $100 million, can’t you figure out a way for me to take steroids that doesn’t involve being pantless in a stall with Rafael Palmeiro? Can’t you make a Power Bar or a shake or something, I really have to bend over in front of Jose Canseco once a week and say, “OK, Jose, fill me up?”

3.
Here’s the early report from ESPN about the Mitchell findings:

Major League Baseball and the Players Association share the blame for tolerating a widespread culture of drug abuse, George Mitchell's report on doping in baseball says, according to two lawyers who said they are familiar with the report.

WOW! Shocking revelation! Also, Rafael Palmeiro’s ass, Rafael’s Palmeiro’s willingness to take steroids, and Rafael Palmeiro’s veins mixing the steroids with his blood all played equal parts in Rafael Palmeiro’s steroid use. MLB will try to determine which had the larger role and punish accordingly, Buster Olney reports.

4.
The good news for baseball? At least you have Bud Selig to lead you through this crisis. I mean his face emits intelligence and inspires confidence and calm. When you look at Bud Selig you think, “now here’s a man that does nothing but think, eat, fart and sleep baseball, he loves the game, he’ll see us through.” In other news, did you know that “Weekend at Bernie’s” has been remade as “16 years as Baseball Commissioner?” I mean, I’d never insult an important, powerful man by insinuating that he looks, walks and talks like a corpse, but don’t you get the sense that Bud Selig has been auditioning for 16 years to be in a remake of the Thriller video?

5.
The next few weeks will be flooded with terms like, “standard of fairness,” “Hall of Fame candidacy,” “the court of public opinion.” But honestly, if the report does not also include terms like “head size,” “backne,” “shrinkage” and “Brett Boone coming out of nowhere to hit 40 home runs in one year” then we might as well shove the entire thing up Rafael Palmeiro’s ass and start over.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Five Quick Thoughts on Bobby Petrino’s Backstabbing


1.
This officially closes the “hire a big name college coach to turn around the franchise” era of professional football. Nick Saban, Steve Spurrier and Petrino went a combined 30-47, each left with over three years left on their deals and each left their teams in much, much worse shape than when they took over (I’m not including Pete Carrol in this group, who, as you know, I’ve theorized will be the coach and GM of the Chargers next year, because he already has head coaching experience in the NFL).

2.
How vindicated does DeAngelo Hall feel right now? Six weeks ago, Petrino was calling Hall out in the media, publicly questioning his commitment to the team, his leadership, his willingness to buy into the system. Well, well, well, Bobby, what do you have to say for yourself now? Would you like to take back any of those comments about commitment? Can you imagine how DeAngelo felt, after all that ruckus, sitting on his couch watching Petrino’s fat face talking about how happy he is to be a part of the Razorback nation? I mean double, no triple fuck you, right?

3.
Can we please put an end to the “let’s feel sorry for Arthur Blank” stories? The guy fucking owns Home Depot, he’s worth billions, so what if his team sucks? Living in the Bay Area has never been more depressing from a football standpoint and I’m supposed to feel bad for this fucking guy? Yes, Vick is a monster and Petrino is a duechebag, but after suffering through 13 Niner games that could be most aptly described as being trapped in a small box with 1,000 flies for three hours, I’m not feeling sorry for anyone. Our team sucks too and you don’t see us crying into our $4,500 pillows do you?

4.
Bill Cowher & Marty Schottenheimer will be candidates 1 and 1a in this coaching search. If they can’t convince either one of them, they need to bring in a young, strong-minded assistant who can relate to the player and bring a sense of order. I’m thinking either Mike Singletary from the Niners, Jim Schwartz, the D Coordinator of the Titans, Steve Spaguolo, the D coordinator of the Giants, Jason Garrett, the O coordinator of the Cowboys or Rob Chudzinski, the O coordinator of the Browns are the most likely and most ready candidates. But that’s just me.

5.
One last thing, Arthur Blank needs to step up and cut Vick. As long as he is any in way associated with the franchise they’ll never completely move on and get out of his shadow. Release him, recoup as much money as you can and cut your fucking losses. The players need a fresh start next year and cutting him right now, don’t wait until the summer and don’t do it ceremoniously, is the only way to let them do that.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

So Fierce



***Note: When we started this blog, I never wanted to be the guy that blogged about TV shows…recapped exactly what happened….and tried to make witty comments along the way. Then I started watching The Hills.

Let’s get to it. The Hills season finale was last night. Of course, it was just announced they’ll be showing 8 more bonus episodes from Paris…but whatever. In its fake, over produced, awkwardly gawky 15-year-old girl style, MTV put on a two hour extravaganza with the last 30 minutes being the season finale. Two words: skipped it. Well, not the finale of course but the bullshit leading up to the main event. Sure, I slowed the DVR when Audrina was being interviewed (wow she’s dumb), when Brody entered (wow he’s a tool) and when Lauren made her “big entrance”. Her “big entrance” was actually just her stepping up one stair to the platform and the generic overacting hosts acting like it was the second coming for fuck's sake. I think she was actually wearing a sparkled garbage bag. She adds zero benefit to this world. Moving on.

The finale. It felt very unfinale-esque. There wasn’t any big revelation, or break-ups or pregnancy or Brody caught huffing paint cans in the ally with Justin-bobby. It really was just another episode. The best part, as always, was Spencer. Man, it doesn’t get much better than this guy. We’ve now come to refer to the place he resides most often as his “post”. This is basically his couch. Anywhere on the couch. Doing nothing. Actually one time “reading” a book which was as likely as seeing Shaun Hill throw a pass in the NFL. Check it out. Seriously, 95% of the time Spencer is at his post.

Since I mainly waited for Spencer to be on screen so I could laugh at his small mind and square little face I missed everything else that happened in the episode. So, I leave you with the following Xmas gift suggestions for the cast of The Hills.

Lauren:
A personality. Rent Garden State…there’s a reason every guy falls in love with Natalie Portman after seeing this and it’s not cause of her friends, her clothes or where she goes out at night.

Whitney:
A copy of Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ music video. Study this. Learn what makes her sexy. Now flaunt it for God’s sake.

Heidi:
Some new friends, a new dude and a guest role as one of the chicks on Deal or No Deal.

Audrina:
A Winnie-the-Pooh paint by numbers kit. And…your nose. I got your nose, I got your nose. (she’d fall for it every time, am I wrong?)

Spencer:
Nothing brah. Just keep on keeping on.

Brody:
A big fat zit on your nose.

That’s all I got.

The Hills. Booyah bitches.


Friday, December 7, 2007

Apples and Moustaches - by Magglio and Jericho


Apple:
I just signed a going away card to one of our interns:
“Just remember, work is like prison, kick someone's ass on the first day and you'll be fine.”


Moustache:
Remember that Seinfeld episode when Kramer is taking karate but it turns out that he’s in a class of eight-year-olds? That’s exactly how I feel about Colt Brennan winning the Heisman.


Apple
Have you heard about the new Australian rock band where all the guys met at an obsessive-compulsive support group? Their name: OCDC


Moustache
Rumors are swirling that the Giants are interested in Hideki Matsui for their outfield. When I asked a friend his opinion he thought it was a good idea but then wanted confirmation on what Matsui’s entrance music for each at-bat would be. Great question, this should always be a factor in the decision making process.


Apple
Things I realized at 1am last night:

  • If SportsCenter is on at a bar, and I haven’t seen it yet, it’s going to be very difficult to pay attention to anything else.
  • When did insulting chicks become the way to get in their pants? I was out with my wife and a couple of her friends…all gorgeous chicks. You should have seen the game these guys came with. One guy told a girl she had split ends. Another told a girl his mother had sexier ‘fuck me boots’ then the ones she was wearing. Five bucks says those guys ended their night with a squeezer and a hot pocket.
  • Despite everything you know about hygiene, peanuts at a bar are mighty tasty.
  • Drunk text messaging isn’t only stupid, it’s irresponsible.
  • A 3 dollar tip on 4 drinks purchased is acceptable if more than one of the drinks is a bottle of beer. (I need Burt Reynolds, Steve Austin and that little Mexican dude from Boogie Nights to yell ‘Man Law’ in unison now to complete the thought.)


Moustache:
Something we too often forget…Garrison Hearst had immaculate skin.



Thursday, December 6, 2007

A Conversation - 1:24pm




A conversation today between Magglio and Jericho at 1:24pm PST.

Jericho: Buddy, can I get a definitive ruling on something?

Magglio: Yes.

Jericho: Fergie, smoking hot or hideous?

(pause)

Magglio: Smoking hot

Jericho: Ok

Magglio: End of story

Jericho: Good I feel better about it. I feel the same way. But sometimes I see her and I’m not so sure.

Magglio: Sure, she might look like she hasn’t slept in days, has smoked a carton and just got the Denver Broncos to run the train on her...but she has a certain charm about her, I’d say.

Jericho: Yeah, charm like you want to drink a fifth of jack and fight fuck her

Magglio: Right, but that’s not hideous. That’s hot

Jericho: Agreed. Sometimes though…yikes.

Magglio: We let that slide. Like Britney Spear's double chin. We remember the better times.

Jericho: Britney’s different though

Magglio: How so?

Jericho: Because she was so incredibly unattainable for so long. Now anyone could fuck her. That's why she's so hot.

Magglio: So really it's two levels of hotness. The unattainable and the totally available. Has that ever been done before?

Jericho: Drew Barrymore goes in and out

Magglio: But was she hot in both lights?

Jericho: Well Britney is at the end of each spectrum. During the slave for you video she was the most unattainable chick of all time. Now she's the most attainable. Everything is measured by her.

(Jericho sends the above photo)

Magglio: Point taken

Jericho: Jesus, remember the slave for you days. Shit.

Magglio: I still prefer the 'baby one more time days'.

Jericho: Because you're a sick fuck.

Magglio: Everyone likes a school girl outfit. Am I wrong?

Jericho: No.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

emailmebitch@gmail.com


Google, the wave of the future, blah blah blah. We get it. Google is taking over the world it’s just a matter of time. Well, now it’s time for me to admit defeat and get a gmail account. Of course, the only problem is choosing the name…what’s available? Let’s have a look and find out.

  • mynameismaggliothisismyemail is available
  • So is davidbeckhammancrush
  • bigfatballs is not available
  • neither is emailmebitch
  • or gangstalean
  • donkeyfucking is not available
  • but iprollywon'treply is…
  • imjustasquirrel is available!
  • But wonkyeye is not
  • donkeyrapingshiteater is not available but Google offers up kindwarm.0192 as a viable substitute…hmmm.
  • horsecock is not but horsecock0857 is…FYI
  • cainandlincecum is available
  • so is donttradecain
  • shaunalexandersvagina is available
  • grundleduckbutter is available
  • applesandmoustaches is available
  • and not surprisingly, jerichoisapussy is taken

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

5 Quick Thoughts on the Best Game of The Year


1.
I realize I’ve said this 1,000 times on this blog, but in my opinion it can’t be said enough: Thank God for Ray Lewis. Seriously. Did you see his pregame speech to Reed and McGahee about Sean Taylor? Holy shit. I hope he never retires, and if he does, he should become a head coach immediately after. Honestly, who does a team play harder for, someone like Andy Reid, who knows everything about everything, or someone like Ray Lewis, who fucking feels it with every inch of his body? No contest, right? The Ravens can keep Billick to run the offense and make in-game decisions, keep Ryan to run the D and have Ray speak to the players and argue w/ the refs, you’re telling me Ray doesn’t win 12 games as a head coach?

2.
Speaking of Billick, who is Billick? What’s his philosophy? Do you notice how the Ravens have absolutely no identity on offense? He’s an offensive coach, right? Think about it, Shanahan runs the ball with zone blocking to set up the play action and naked bootleg; Holmgren uses the 3 and 5 step drop to throw the quick out to set up the run; Norv Turner uses head coaching jobs to audition for offensive coordinator jobs; what does Billick do? Is there ever a time during a Ravens game when you say, “now, that’s a Billick-type drive?” Never, right? I don’t get it.

3.
The defensive holding call on that fourth down was absolute shit and the Ravens have every right to feel they got screwed. (Bravo to Bart Scott for chucking the flag into the stands like that, not sure I’ve ever seen that before, well done.) Here’s the thing, tight ends get mauled by safeties on every play, not just some plays, every play and the defensive hold gets called maybe 5% of the time. I’m fine with throwing the flag in the first quarter, but on fourth down in the final seconds? Fuck no. You never want to see a game decided by a cheap foul in any sport. The Ravens deserved to win that game.

4.
The only way I can see to beat the Pats is with a power running game, taking a few deep shots (particularly against Hobbs and Harrison – I wouldn’t go anywhere near Asante, that guy’s a fucking octopus), roughing up the receivers at the line (Moss and Stallworth are both pussies and Welker is 4 feet tall), and bringing heat on every play. Easier said than done right? The Steelers next week have the best chance, there’s no way the Jets, Dolphins or Giants can do any of the above, if NE wins next week, they go 16-0.

5.
The other side of this coin is that teams have to stay aggressive at all times. Last night, the Ravens had the ball with a 7 point lead and 10 minutes left; one run and two horrible Boller throws later and they’re punting. Obviously, the Pats get 3 to cut the lead to 4. Ravens get the ball back with 6 minutes left, a few straight ahead runs and they’re punting again. The old, “play good defense, run down the clock” routine does not work against this offense, to beat the Pats you have to play like you’re ten points behind at all times, because you are.

Monday, December 3, 2007

An candid interview with a gal named V


After repeated requests to interview Shaun Alexander were either turned down by the Seahawks’ PR team or ignored all together, A&M received the following email out of the blue three days ago:

I’ll speak to you. I’m calling all the shots from here on out.

Love,
V

Confused, curious, but wary of a trap after ridiculing Sean several times on the site, we proceeded cautiously. Who was V? A new PR person? A bodyguard luring us into a trap? The answer was both frightening, enlightening and all together disgusting. What follows is a condensed email chain between A&M and the mysterious V. If you are faint of heart, have strong religious beliefs or just hate reading long, rambling interviews with a former MVP’s vagina, read no further.

A&M: Hello V, my name is Jericho Royall and I’m the funny one from Apples & Moustaches, I’ve been trying to interview Shawne Alexander for months about his horrid play and sagging gooter, can you help me get in touch with him?

V: I can do better than put you in touch with him. I can put you in him.

A&M: In him? That’s a little too Bye, Bye, Bye for me, maybe I could send you some questions you could ask.

V: No, no, no, you don’t understand, I’m with Shaun, right now, I’m with him everywhere he goes. I can speak for him.

A&M: Are you his publicist? Reverend? Skinny black man in leather pants and chains who rubs Vaseline on his head and tells him that even when runs like a scared nine yr old girl scout he’s still the starting RB on God’s team?

V: No. Better. When he cuts, I cut. When he squats, I squat. When he queefs, I have too much air inside of me.

A&M: Wait a minute! Do you mean…?

V: Yes. I am Shaun Alexander’s vagina.

A&M: But of course! It all makes so much sense.

V: Of course it does, my son.

A&M: Hold on a second though. How are you able to type?

V: Here’s a little known secret about Shaun, every night before bed he brings up his stats from the 2005 season on his computer, and how shall I say this, makes loves to them.

A&M: Do you mean he…?

V: Yes, he puts the mouse inside…and makes me scroll up and down and… I can’t go on, it’s too horrible!

A&M: You poor thing. Are you…um, checking his stats right now?

V: No, no. He had a really long stat check tonight; we even got into his high school numbers. Anyway, he fell asleep on his desk, I can reach the keyboard, but I don’t have much time. What do you want to know?

A&M: Well, I had about 10 questions prepared, but they all basically revolved around asking him if he had a vagina or not.

V: I guess we can close the book on that one!

A&M: We’re closing the book on a lot of things tonight, V.

V: Please, call me Shauna Tingleberry Alexandretta.

A&M: Is that really your name?

V: Well, not technically. But Coach Holmgren calls me that and I’ve grown quite fond of the way it sounds.

A&M: Wait a damn minute, are you telling me that Coach Holmgren knows about this?

V: Don’t do this to yourself, my child. The world has changed enough for one day, for your own sake I think you should stop your digging here.

A&M: Good point. Well, not that we know you exist, anything you’d like to say to the world?

V: Of course. I’m sorry, tell me again who I’m speaking with, you’re from Time Magazine, right?

A&M: Actually, no. I’m with Apples and Moustaches, an influential blog read by tens of people.

V: I see…will you send me the link please.

A&M: www.applesandmoustaches.blogspot.com

V: Splendid! I love it! Such whimsy! Such irreverence! If your blog was a vagina, it’d be Kordell Stewart’s!

A&M: Can we quote you on that?

V: Oh, you may, you may indeed!

A&M: Well, Shauna Tingleberry Alexandretta, this has been a profound experience speaking with you. In closing, anything you’d like to add, declare, or clear up?

V: Yes, thank you, child. First off, a man with a vagina is nothing to be laughed at, scoffed or feared. It’s a beautiful, natural thing. Second, while most would assume that a running back with a labia, uterus and fallopian tubes would be at a disadvantage, I think Shaun and I have proven that in fact it is a tremendous advantage, because it adds a bit more sensibility and caution to our game. Why throw ourselves head first into the line, when we can just dive and avoid contact all together? Why run in front of a charging, 250 lb linebacker when we can simply step to the right and easily avoid him? What you call being a “pussy” we call “protecting our pussy,” and we’ve done pretty well for ourselves because of it.

A&M: Thank you, Shauna. Thanks for your candor and for simultaneously proving and disproving everything I’ve ever thought about Seane Alexander.

V: Thank you, child. And good luck with your very entertaining, little…he stirs, he stirs, oh my goodness, he’s bringing up his stats from the 2003 Pro Bowl, lord have mercy on me!

A&M: Shauna? Shauna?


Well, folks, another groundbreaking story from the A&M News Team. This one wasn’t pretty, but then again, journalism isn’t meant to be pretty, it’s meant to be real.

Apples and Moustaches, trusted by tens, loved by Shaun Alexander’s vagina.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

3 Apples and 2 Moustaches


Apple
"They've been targeting him for three years now," Antrell Rolle told The AP.

Without a suspect in the shooting of Sean Taylor don’t you think Rolle’s statements are pretty asinine? I know they were boys but Rolle should definitely be brought in for questioning if he knows so much. And be damned careful with what he says.


Moustache:
Dolph Lundgren’s MySpace page:
http://myspace.com/dolphlundgren

But if you misspell it, here is Dolph Lungren’s MySpace page:
http://myspace.com/dolphlungren


Apple:
We were trying to brainstorm things to write about in today’s post…here is an actual suggestion from Jericho:

“Let’s do an interview with Alex Smith's vagina. You ask me questions and I’ll be his vagina.”


Moustache:
Top Ten headlines you’re likely to see in 2008

  1. Fantasia, Jordin Sparks in torrid lesbian affair
  2. Satan reveals pact with Tony Romo, nobody surprised
  3. Frank Gore played the entire 2007 NFL season with a broken neck
  4. Rosie O’Donnell signed to play third base for the Giants
  5. Boston gets MLS team, title automatically awarded
  6. Jesus sighting turns out to be Jack White
  7. Ricky Williams gets Dolphins mascot high, eats Ted Ginn Jr.
  8. Google/Google edges Clinton/Obama for 2008 presidential ticket
  9. O.J. Simpson admits guilt but plans to fight himself in court
  10. Heidi Montag grows penis out of forehead, Spencer remains by her side


Apple:
Fuck Yeah – James Franco and Mila Kunis doing Justin Bobby and Audrina on The Hills


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

A&M give thanks - by Magglio and Jericho


Thank you Patrick Dempsey for choosing to star in enchanted proving without a shadow of a doubt that you are in fact a tremendous pussy and not cool as our girlfriends want to make us believe.


Thank you Amy Poehler for being one funny bitch. An interesting thing has happened on SNL these days; the women are way funnier than the men (except of course for Kennan Thompson). Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, and Poehler keep on keeping on. (I wish I could pull off a 'you go girl' without sounding like Ricki Lake circa 1996…now would totally be the appropriate time.)


Thank you Beyonce for that unbelievably ridiculous DirectTV "Upgrade" commercial - the part when you quickly turn to the camera and have a gold "Upgrade" medallion in your mouth is easily the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. By all means, keep saying yes to everything, I want you in a Taco Bell commercial, "run for the border ya'll, get you some nachos" - in an adult diaper commercial, "more cotton for you bottom, mo' foo foo fo' yo' poo poo" - keep it coming, we need you Beyonce.


Thank you Notre Dame for not firing Charlie Weis and in so doing giving your millions of haters another great reason to hate you: racism. For years you’ve been obnoxious, ostentatious, loved by millions and hated by hundreds of millions. Let’s hope that last number gets to a billion.


Thank you Kanye West for referencing Rosie Perez's Double D's. Someone had to say something. Sure it's about 15 years too late but let us never forget.


Thank you Philidelphia and Pittsburgh for reminding us that the NFL season is not a forgone conclusion. Will the Dolphins win this season? Yes. Will the Patriots lose this season? Probably not, but at least we’re reminded that it’s still a possibility.


Thank you to the idiotic landlord who sent me the following response when I asked if her apartment had a dishwasher and / or a washer and dryer: Dishwasher, shared w/dryer negotiable. What the fuck does that mean? There’s a dishwasher but you have to share it with the other tenants? Is it in the basement? Is there a washer? How is the dryer negotiable? Is that even possible? There’s a washer but if you want to use the dryer you have to bargain with me? I’m brimming with curiosity and joy about this.


Thank you Washington for the beat down you’re about to put on Hawaii this weekend. It will finally bring the Rainbows down to earth and end the BCS madness once and for all. Wait…what? No it won’t. Missouri is still #1, UCLA could potentially play in the Rose Bowl and South Florida looks primed to play in the Chik-A-Fil-A Insight.com bowl. We need a college playoff system!


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Thoughts on...


Patrick Willis
We are witnessing greatness. If Patrick Willis doesn’t make the Pro Bowl I will personally show up at Jimmy, Howie and J.B.’s respective houses to hand out some knuckle sandwiches.

Side note: Jimmy, Howie and J.B. have nothing to do with Pro Bowl voting but it sure would feel good to punch those guys.


Missouri Tigers…the #1 team in college football
This is the equivalent of going to your 10-year high school reunion and learning that one of your female classmates is now a male. Then watching as he/she dances with your former math teacher and proceeds to make out with said math teacher on the dance floor. Nobody wants to see this shit. Nobody.



Fred Claus
We were duped. Vince Vaughn, Rachel Weisz, Paul Giammati, Kathy Bates, Kevin Spacey…this had to be good right? Wrong. I know what you’re thinking…I’m an idiot. You’re right.


Bee Movie
Eh. It was OK. It was equivalent to Cars…good, funny at times, dragged on a bit too long, pretty weak in the end. Like sex in a hot tub. Or any of the Saved by the Bell movies.


Mike Nolan
Anyone who thinks the Niners’ head coach should be fired is out of line. A great stat came up during the game yesterday, the Niners have won their last 5 (now 6) overtime games. This surprised me. They’re terrible in every other category, what makes them succeed in this one? I think you chalk it up to good coaching. The Niners don’t give up. And when it’s close they generally don’t blow it. Will they get blown out and embarrass themselves consistently? Yes. But will they stop trying hard? I don’t think so.


Sean Taylor
This is devastating. Just devastating. A&M’s thoughts go out to Taylor’s family. What a tragedy. And to think he was only 24 years old. I don’t want to judge before the truth comes out…but something doesn’t feel right about this. I don’t know if it was the girlfriend or revenge but I don’t think Taylor’s death is a random act of burglary.

To remember the better times…check this out.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Football Hangover: 11/26/07


1.
Fantasy Fuck Yous: Fuck You, Reggie Bush. Fuck You, Lee Evans.

And with that, my fantasy year comes to a very unceremonious close. What a pathetic, depressing year. Although when you draft guys named Drew, Sean and Lee with 3 out of your first 4 picks and you’re not forming an all girl country western band, you get what you deserve. Drew, Sean and Lee, those are bitch names! Remember in Boogie Nights when Jack says, “those are great names!” My fantasy team was a lot like that, only exactly the opposite.

2.
I realize that everything you can possibly say about Brett Favre has been said 1000 times at this point, and that I’ll sound like every announcer in the world in the following paragraph, but after watching Brett carve up the Lions on Thursday I have to say this one thing: has a QB ever thrown the quick slant as well as Brett? It’s incredibly, amazingly effective, like MJ’s turn around, Kareem’s sky hook or Lance Bass’ spread eagle. If the D gives Brett’s receivers a 5 yard cushion he’ll throw a quick slant for 9 every time; sometimes more if the receiver can make the first guy miss (which Jennings, Driver and Jones can and do). When Brett is hot and the offensive is churning along it’s incredible to watch.

3.
The Patriots saw first hand against the Iggles why it’s so difficult to go undefeated. Forget injuries, worrying about the playoffs, the malaise of a regular season all but decided; the hardest part is that you get everyone’s best game. The Eagles, who before this game looked like they could give a shit and would rather be smoking the good stuff with Britt Reid than taking orders from Andy, played out of their fucking minds on Sunday. To the Pats’ credit, they never look flustered or confused, and there was never a moment when you thought that the Eagles could actually pull this off, but still…

4.
Stick a fork in Eli, seriously, he’s done.

5.
I don’t understand the battle between the league, Comcast, DirectTV the NFL Network and all the other things that Bob Costas talks about well enough to have an intelligent opinion, but here’s what I can take from it: the owners don’t give a fuck about the fans and will screw us at the drop of a hat. Shouldn’t the definition of licensing agreement really read: “confusing, amorphous term invented by football owners to screw their most ardent fans out of more money.”

6.
My three favorite things to do on Monday morning:
1) Check the weekly box office
2) Taunt homeless people by saying “yes, absolutely” when they ask for money and then keep walking
3) Check to see how the Sunday Morning countdown guys did on their weekly NFL picks because it’s fun to see how I stack up against geniuses like Emmitt, Key and Mort.

Honestly, how stupid are Key, Emmitt and Mort? In that same sense, how much smarter are Key, Emmitt and Mort than Bradshaw, Howie and Jimmie? How much cooler are Key, Emmitt and Mort than Shannon Sharpe, Marino and Boomer? I ask these rhetorical questions to raise two points 1) the ESPN NFL countdown show is the only one that is remotely watchable and 2) I can’t fucking watch the ESPN NFL countdown show anymore.

When was the decision made that guys on countdown shows had to be friends? Who said, “you know, football isn’t selling anymore, our guys need to be entertainers.” Guess what, football is entertaining! Talk about fucking football! I don’t give a fuck if Bill Cowher likes Dan Marino, in fact I’m rooting for Cowher to bite Marino’s nose off and then spit it in Sharpe’s face, I don’t want to hear them laugh and make fun of each other, tell inside jokes and have a 90 minute game of grab ass! Tell me about injuries, match ups, playoff implications, strengths, weaknesses, weather, and shit talking between teams; that’s it and that’s all. If I have to look at Berman’s dumb face as he introduces another retarded segment of “The Mayne Event” as Key gives Emmitt shit about not being able to catch fish, I’m going to blow my head off. And for the record, “No, Mort, God Bless YOU!”

7.
I told you to keep away from four teams this year: The Giants, Vikings, Jags and Chiefs. The combined record of the four: 24-20. Not so good.

8.
I told you to watch four teams this year: Cowboys, Packers, Broncos and Steelers. The combined record of the four: 32-11. Decent. That number will get better after the Steelers sodomize Miami on national TV tonight.

9.
Shaun Alexander Watch:
The Bet: 1500 yards and 15 tds
Season So Far: 492 yards and 2 tds
Projection: 984 yards and 4 tds

Now he’s hurt too. This is shaping up to be the worst bet I ever made. Way worse than that time I bet Magglio $30 he wouldn’t wear a woman’s thong for a solid week.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving


Well, here we are. On the brink of the Holiday season. In 24 short hours we’ll be inundated with food, family and forced fun. Can you feel the excitement in the air? The correct answer is yes. Today does feel different. A few random observations on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.


Parking spots!
San Francisco becomes a ghost town on all major holidays (except for Halloween when we flaunt our weirdness.) The streets open up and parking no longer is the first thought on your mind when you go from place to place. It’s a beautiful thing. If you live here you totally get what I’m saying. If you don’t then stop calling it ‘Frisco, pay attention when you get off the cable cars, sidewalks are meant for walking not standing, tip the homeless and learn how to drive damn it!


Wednesday Night Plans
Traditionally, the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is one of the biggest party nights of the year. It’s a different type of party however. This isn’t the stay local, find a bar, and go to dinner sort of gathering. This is the back in town, hang out with high school friends, get drunk and sneak by your parents when you get home even though you’re a grown up now and there’s no reason to hide your drinking problem sort of party. It’s like a mini reunion with old friends. Who got fat? Who’s still stuck in high school glory days? Who’s gonna drive?


Travel
Yeah, good luck. Everything you read and hear about travel is not only true but grossly understated. It’s ugly out there. Everyone is moving at the same time. If you’re not traveling today, be thankful. If you are, what are you doing reading this blog? Get on the road damn it!


Final note: Good luck on Friday to Menlo-Atherton. They play Aragon at 7pm at Foothill College in the CCS Playoffs. Rip them to bits, MA.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A Moustache, An Apple and Word Games with Magglio


Apple
I’m a big proponent of opening doors for people. Men or women, I just feel like it’s a cool, classy thing to do. With that said, my new building has a revolving door and I can’t figure out what's considered proper revolving door etiquette. When you arrive at the same time should you a) let them go first, or b) go first, but push really hard so that the door moves for them and they don’t have to do anything? Can we get a definitive ruling on this?

Moustache
If Notre Dame doesn’t fire Charlie Weis after this season then they will unequivocally prove that Tyrone Willingham’s firing was racially motivated. Now granted, Willingham had a rough final two years, going 11-11 and losing 5 games by at least 30 points. That was bad, real bad, but consider these nuggets from Weis’ 2007 team:

- The worst start ever (2-9)
- The most losses in a season ever (9)
- Two of the ten worst losses ever (38-0 losses to both Michigan and USC)
- The first 6-game home losing streak in school history
- Lost to both Navy and Air Force, the first time ND has lost to two military academies in the same season since 1944.

Willingham’s last two years were bad; this year has been absolutely catastrophic. Ty never fit in at ND, his hiring was a surprise and he never seemed to mesh with the rich, conservative, comb-over-white-guy mentality of Notre Dame. His firing raised lots of questions about race but they quickly lost steam and eventually faded away. If ND keeps Weis after this irritated butthole of a season, the race discussion should be reopened. This would be indisputable evidence that Weis is keeping his job only because he's white. Why is nobody talking about this?

Word association with Maglio
I sent a word or a phrase to Magglio over IM asking him to react. These are his unedited responses:

John Mayer:
Falls into the 'dooshbag but nails hot chicks' category along with Nick Carter, Adam Lavine, Adam Duritz, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. The sad thing is, I've heard he's actually a good musician...but it's hard to get past his stupid face. Isn't it?

Writer’s Strike:
First of all...I don't want to waste my energy trying to understand it. Secondly, will this delay The Office or Heroes? That's all I care about. At least Sportscenter remains pure.

Indian Food:
Blowout.

Guys with girl names like Kelly or Ashley:
Unfortunate? Yes. Destined for greatness? Perhaps. Let's dig a bit deeper here. How many dudes do you know named Kelly or Ashley? Not many right? But there's quite a few in the public eye. Kelly Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Ashley Lelie, Ashley Parker Angel (wow, so weak) for example. Does this constitute a trend? No. Do those guys get picked on their entire lives? Of course. Does the website Nutsack.com exist? Absolutely.

Grey’s Anatomy:
I'll be honest, I've stopped watching. I just don't care anymore. Kate Walsh is off the show, Dr. Burke is fighting the Bionic Woman and Meredith looks too much like Renee Zellweger. But I was in Seattle last weekend and I made endless jokes such as "Do you think McDreamy gets his crepes here?" or "If only Izzy knew about this park, her mind would be free again!" or "I wonder if George got the train run on him down that alley."

Boston Red Sox:
Fuck Boston. Fuck Kevin Garnett. Fuck Bill Simmons. Fuck Bruce Springsteen (same thing right?) Fuck the Wahlbergs both Donnie and Marky Mark. Fuck chicks who wear pink Sox hats. Fuck Dane Cook. Fuck Ben Affleck. And fuck Tom Brady. (He sure is dreamy though)

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Football Hangover: 11/19/07


1.
Fantasy Fuck Yous: Fuck You, Reggie Bush. Fuck You, Plaxico Burress. Fuck You, Patrick Crayton. Fuck You, L.J. Smith.

And on behalf of Magglio, myself and 200,000 other fantasy owners, FUCK YOU, SANTANA MOSS. Ah, that feels a little better. A little. (every person who has ever played fantasy football is nodding right now, no other explanation needed.)

2.
By far the two dominant stories this year have been 1) how scary good the Patriots are, and 2) the resurgence of two signature franchises, the Cowboys and the Pack. Both are great stories, both are true. But the flip side of those three great teams is how fucking awful the rest of the league is. Can you remember this many shitty teams in one year? I see the league essentially breaking down into four categories:

The really, really good teams (4):
NE, DAL, GB, INDY

The kinda good teams that will get absolutely murdered in the playoffs by one of the really, really good teams (9):
NYG, DET, SEA, CLE, JAX, TEN, SD, TB, PITT

The dog shit teams (5):
WA, PHI, AZ, BUF, HOU

The elephant shit teams (14):
MIN, CHI, CAR, NO, ATL, SF, STL, NYJ, MIA, BAL, CIN, OAK, KC, DEN

How did we get to this point? I watched the GB / CAR game on Sunday and I have never seen a team play lazier or less inspired than CAR did. Un fucking believable. Hey, John Fox, enjoy being the D coordinator at Houston or San Diego next year, should be fun!

3.
I think we’re heading towards an unprecedented offseason where as many as 8 head coaching jobs will be open, here’s my thoughts on who goes and how.

WASH: Joe Gibbs, retired
PHI: Andy Reid: step down (really fired, but they’ll let him save face)
CAR: John Fox, fired
SEA: Mike Holmgren: retired
SF: Mike Nolan fired (not sure I agree w/ this, but they’re worse than when he took over, that can’t be argued)
BAL: Brian Billick, fired (do you ever wonder if anyone ever confuses Brian Billick with Bill Belichick b/c their names sound so familiar? And perhaps the better question, would Billick correct them? Can’t you see him going on for hours about how proud he is of the NE organization, how much he loves having Brady, etc?)
CIN: Marvin Lewis, fired
SD: Norv Turner, fired (he inherited the most talented team in the league and he’s barely .500. Thanks, Norv! Enjoy being the offensive coordinator at Buffalo next year!)

4.
There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that Brady and Moss watched the Cowboy game yesterday and said, “Fuck Romo and T.O., I bet we can do that shit in the first half.” 100% gurarantee that happened. But this raises a different question, who would you rather have on your team, Moss or T.O.? Watching the highlights of the Dallas game and then watching the first of the Brady / Moss show, I was struck by one thing: Whenever T.O. gets a touchdown he’s always wide open, whenever Moss gets one he’s in traffic. I’m not sure what that says about either, or if it sways the debate in one direction or the other, but it’s worth noting. I think if you were to grade the two, it would look something like this:

Hands:
T.O. = B
Moss = A+

Speed:
T.O. = B+
Moss = B+

Jumping ability:
T.O. = B+
Moss = A+

Run after catch:
T.O. = A+
Moss = B

Toughness (blocking, getting out of jams, going over middle, etc)
T.O. = B+
Moss = B

Dumbassness
T.O. = A++
Moss = A+

Overall:
T.O. = A
Moss = A

Thoughts? Who would you take?

5.
I told you to keep away from four teams this year: The Giants, Vikings, Jags and Chiefs. The combined record of the four: 22-18. Not so good.

6.
I told you to watch four teams this year: Cowboys, Packers, Broncos and Steelers. The combined record of the four: 29-10. Decent. That number will get better after Vince Young has diarrhea on national TV for four straight quarters tonight.


6.
Shaun Alexander Watch:
The Bet: 1500 yards and 15 tds
Season So Far: 492 yards and 2 tds
Projection: who cares?

This is shaping up to be the worst bet I ever made. Way worse than that time I bet Magglio he couldn’t get our middle-aged, balding, creepy lisp English teacher to blow him.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Thoughts on things and stuff


Fantasy Karma:
I’m not going to make the playoffs in Fantasy Football. It sucks. But that’s not my point. As a responsible GM I think when you get to this point in the season there are two general rules you must follow; 1) you have to continue setting your lineup every week. Nobody likes a GM who's thrown in the towel and lays down for an easy victory against teams still in contention. Setting your lineup is your responsibility in the quest for ultimate sports knowledge. 2) you cannot trade any of your players. One of the first place teams in my league is in desperate need of a QB…I am currently holding Hasselbeck and Brees. There is no conceivable situation where I can responsibly trade either of these guys. I don’t stand to gain anything. It would be bad fantasy karma and I need all I can get these days.


I take it back.
There is a gayer movie this holiday season than Enchanted. It’s called August Rush and it potentially is the pinnacle of RTs. A genius boy separated from his parents tries to find them by learning music and playing the songs he grew up with. Holy shit. I’m not going to ruin the absurdity of the trailer...It’s worth seeing yourself…if nothing more than Robin Williams. Jericho chimed in on the Robin Williams issue:

“Don't you feel like there are 5 of him? He has a bunch of clones. One does stand up, one does bad movies, one is a heroin addict in the tenderloin and the other two just fuck each other all day in a hot tub.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.


Word association with Jericho
This was a fun way to pass the time at work. I sent a word or a phrase to Jericho asking him to react. These are his unedited responses:

Rumer Willis:
“A good lookin’ dude”

Resse Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal having lunch at The Slanted Door on Monday:
“Not sure which one I want to fuck more. Not sure there'd be any difference.”

Zahara Jolie:
“12lbs away from being the heaviest woman in her family.”

Kevin Durant:
“Your favorite basketball team drafting Kevin Durant and then announcning that they're moving to Oklahoma is akin to a prisoner on death row discovering that he's the greatest whistler the world has ever known.”

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only theleft hand:
“I'm hungry. Don't bug me with that shit.”


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda



Hindsight is 20/20, especially when revisiting an NFL draft. And we wouldn’t even be having this discussion if Matt Leinart didn’t decide to return for his senior season at USC. But remember when the Niners were deciding between Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers? I still don’t know if they chose the right QB but I do know this…they didn’t pick the best player at Number 1. Let’s look at who else they passed up in the draft.

Shawn Merriman (12th overall) – Maryland - Linebacker
One of the top 5 best defensive players in the NFL today, Merriman would have been a force alongside Julian Peterson (assuming we would have kept him), Derek Smith and Jeff Ulbrich. And have you seen Merriman play? This is the kind of guy an entire fan base can rally behind. When was the last time everyone in the stands kept their eye on a single 49er defender, waiting to see the knockout? Ronnie Lott. (If you said Nate Clements you were wrong. Take your $90 million and go home.)

Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones (6th overall) – West Virginia – Cornerback
This would have solved the return man problems that have plagued the Niners for years as well as allowed them to cut Ahmed Plummer a full year earlier. And maybe, just maybe, Pacman Jones would have taken in the San Francisco vibe and learned to love one another, and appreciate his fellow man (or stripper.)

Roscoe Parrish – (55th overall) – Miami – Wide Receiver
Not a very good player but a really cool name. A lot cooler than Alex Smith.

Alex Smith – (71st overall) – Stanford – Tight End
Not a cool name and not really a good player, but not as bad as the original Alex Smith.

Frank Gore – (65th overall) – Miami – Running back
Oh wait. We did draft Frank Gore. Nice pick guys.

Lofa Tatupu (45th overall) – USC – Linebacker
An undersized linebacker who hits like a freight train, has a name like a line of female bath products and a member of the National Champion USC Trojans? And this guy slips to 45th? This is like passing up on the new kid from Kenya when picking marathon teams in the 3rd grade. (I’m sorry Abuntu I should’ve picked you. But you were different. And that scared me.)

Tom Brady (133rd overall) – Michigan - Quarterback
Ok, this one isn’t entirely fair cause Brady was drafted in the 2000 draft but the Niners did in fact take another QB that year; Giovanni Carmazzi from Hofstra in the 3rd Round. Granted, Carmazzi was dating a Playboy playmate but so was Jim Drukenmiller and both are selling real estate right now with Heath Shuler while hob knobbing with the good ol’ boys. The fact that the Niners passed on Brady, a San Mateo native who grew up a big Niners fan, is a catastrophe.

Side note: Marc Bulger and Adalius Thomas were also selected in the 6th round of the 2000 draft.