Thank you Patrick Dempsey for choosing to star in enchanted proving without a shadow of a doubt that you are in fact a tremendous pussy and not cool as our girlfriends want to make us believe.
Thank you Amy Poehler for being one funny bitch. An interesting thing has happened on SNL these days; the women are way funnier than the men (except of course for Kennan Thompson). Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, and Poehler keep on keeping on. (I wish I could pull off a 'you go girl' without sounding like Ricki Lake circa 1996…now would totally be the appropriate time.)
Thank you Beyonce for that unbelievably ridiculous DirectTV "Upgrade" commercial - the part when you quickly turn to the camera and have a gold "Upgrade" medallion in your mouth is easily the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. By all means, keep saying yes to everything, I want you in a Taco Bell commercial, "run for the border ya'll, get you some nachos" - in an adult diaper commercial, "more cotton for you bottom, mo' foo foo fo' yo' poo poo" - keep it coming, we need you Beyonce.
Thank you Notre Dame for not firing Charlie Weis and in so doing giving your millions of haters another great reason to hate you: racism. For years you’ve been obnoxious, ostentatious, loved by millions and hated by hundreds of millions. Let’s hope that last number gets to a billion.
Thank you Kanye West for referencing Rosie Perez's Double D's. Someone had to say something. Sure it's about 15 years too late but let us never forget.
Thank you Philidelphia and Pittsburgh for reminding us that the NFL season is not a forgone conclusion. Will the Dolphins win this season? Yes. Will the Patriots lose this season? Probably not, but at least we’re reminded that it’s still a possibility.
Thank you to the idiotic landlord who sent me the following response when I asked if her apartment had a dishwasher and / or a washer and dryer: Dishwasher, shared w/dryer negotiable. What the fuck does that mean? There’s a dishwasher but you have to share it with the other tenants? Is it in the basement? Is there a washer? How is the dryer negotiable? Is that even possible? There’s a washer but if you want to use the dryer you have to bargain with me? I’m brimming with curiosity and joy about this.