Monday, November 26, 2007

The Football Hangover: 11/26/07

Fantasy Fuck Yous: Fuck You, Reggie Bush. Fuck You, Lee Evans.

And with that, my fantasy year comes to a very unceremonious close. What a pathetic, depressing year. Although when you draft guys named Drew, Sean and Lee with 3 out of your first 4 picks and you’re not forming an all girl country western band, you get what you deserve. Drew, Sean and Lee, those are bitch names! Remember in Boogie Nights when Jack says, “those are great names!” My fantasy team was a lot like that, only exactly the opposite.

I realize that everything you can possibly say about Brett Favre has been said 1000 times at this point, and that I’ll sound like every announcer in the world in the following paragraph, but after watching Brett carve up the Lions on Thursday I have to say this one thing: has a QB ever thrown the quick slant as well as Brett? It’s incredibly, amazingly effective, like MJ’s turn around, Kareem’s sky hook or Lance Bass’ spread eagle. If the D gives Brett’s receivers a 5 yard cushion he’ll throw a quick slant for 9 every time; sometimes more if the receiver can make the first guy miss (which Jennings, Driver and Jones can and do). When Brett is hot and the offensive is churning along it’s incredible to watch.

The Patriots saw first hand against the Iggles why it’s so difficult to go undefeated. Forget injuries, worrying about the playoffs, the malaise of a regular season all but decided; the hardest part is that you get everyone’s best game. The Eagles, who before this game looked like they could give a shit and would rather be smoking the good stuff with Britt Reid than taking orders from Andy, played out of their fucking minds on Sunday. To the Pats’ credit, they never look flustered or confused, and there was never a moment when you thought that the Eagles could actually pull this off, but still…

Stick a fork in Eli, seriously, he’s done.

I don’t understand the battle between the league, Comcast, DirectTV the NFL Network and all the other things that Bob Costas talks about well enough to have an intelligent opinion, but here’s what I can take from it: the owners don’t give a fuck about the fans and will screw us at the drop of a hat. Shouldn’t the definition of licensing agreement really read: “confusing, amorphous term invented by football owners to screw their most ardent fans out of more money.”

My three favorite things to do on Monday morning:
1) Check the weekly box office
2) Taunt homeless people by saying “yes, absolutely” when they ask for money and then keep walking
3) Check to see how the Sunday Morning countdown guys did on their weekly NFL picks because it’s fun to see how I stack up against geniuses like Emmitt, Key and Mort.

Honestly, how stupid are Key, Emmitt and Mort? In that same sense, how much smarter are Key, Emmitt and Mort than Bradshaw, Howie and Jimmie? How much cooler are Key, Emmitt and Mort than Shannon Sharpe, Marino and Boomer? I ask these rhetorical questions to raise two points 1) the ESPN NFL countdown show is the only one that is remotely watchable and 2) I can’t fucking watch the ESPN NFL countdown show anymore.

When was the decision made that guys on countdown shows had to be friends? Who said, “you know, football isn’t selling anymore, our guys need to be entertainers.” Guess what, football is entertaining! Talk about fucking football! I don’t give a fuck if Bill Cowher likes Dan Marino, in fact I’m rooting for Cowher to bite Marino’s nose off and then spit it in Sharpe’s face, I don’t want to hear them laugh and make fun of each other, tell inside jokes and have a 90 minute game of grab ass! Tell me about injuries, match ups, playoff implications, strengths, weaknesses, weather, and shit talking between teams; that’s it and that’s all. If I have to look at Berman’s dumb face as he introduces another retarded segment of “The Mayne Event” as Key gives Emmitt shit about not being able to catch fish, I’m going to blow my head off. And for the record, “No, Mort, God Bless YOU!”

I told you to keep away from four teams this year: The Giants, Vikings, Jags and Chiefs. The combined record of the four: 24-20. Not so good.

I told you to watch four teams this year: Cowboys, Packers, Broncos and Steelers. The combined record of the four: 32-11. Decent. That number will get better after the Steelers sodomize Miami on national TV tonight.

Shaun Alexander Watch:
The Bet: 1500 yards and 15 tds
Season So Far: 492 yards and 2 tds
Projection: 984 yards and 4 tds

Now he’s hurt too. This is shaping up to be the worst bet I ever made. Way worse than that time I bet Magglio $30 he wouldn’t wear a woman’s thong for a solid week.

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