A Few NFL Thoughts

So, if you’re scoring at home, the #37 pick in the draft will get you McNabb (5 NFC conference games, borderline HOFer); the #43 pick will get you Brandon Marshall (better numbers through first four years than Rice; not comparing, just saying); and the #40 pick will get you Charlie Whitehurst (Stats through four years: 0, 0, 0.0, 0, 0.0 0, 0, 0, 0.0, 1). By the way, the one in Chuck’s stat column is for one douche bag fucking face. We’re not sure if he has arms or legs, but we know he has that.


Speaking of trading quarterbacks, here’s a guy I’m surprised no one has made a move for: Troy Smith. Heisman winner, only 25, played pretty well in the preseason and in mop up duty (in 14 games: 48/89 for 558yd, 3td and 1 pick), showered near Ray Lewis his whole career, knows how to win, and the Ravens only tendered him at the 5th rd level. Troy Smith isn’t worth a 5th rd pick?


Here’s another swap that makes sense: Skins send Jason Campbell to the Bills for Marshawn Lynch. Both former first rounders, both fill an area of need for the other team, both would come fairly cheaply because their teams are dying to get rid of them. I know you’re looking at that and saying that Campbell sucks and the Bills are getting robbed exchanging a 23yr old with two 1,000-yard seasons under his belt for a QB with a Buffalo-sized vagina. Here’s a secret: it’s not Buffalo-sized, it’s actually more like a Japanese Apple pear. In other words, Campbell is a vagina but he’s not nearly as big of a vagina as everyone thinks he is. He threw for 3,600 with 20 and 15 last year. You’re telling me Buffalo has a QB on their roster that can match that next year?


Magglio will kill me for this, I mentioned something similar at a bar six months ago and he’s never let me forget it: out of all the QBs in the draft, Colt McCoy will have the best career. He’s a winner, accurate with the ball, a leader from the minute he stepped on campus, competitive, driven, doesn’t make stupid mistakes, if he ends up in the right system (which should be added to the evaluation of every QB) he could have a Brees-like career. Yes, he’s got a dumb face and yes he’s got a dumb little drawl, but if I’m the Rams, I take one of the big DLs #1, then trade back up into the bottom of rd 1 for Colt.


I have no idea what to make of the Big Ben suspension. On one hand, it’s crazy that he was not convicted or even charged with a crime, yet is being punished by his employer as if he was. Something about that just doesn’t sit right, the idea that your company can have its own set of laws that supersede the government’s. On the other, he definitely raped her, no fucking doubt about it, and he should be punished in some way or another. Six games, about $3 million in salary and the respect of a city that revered him as little as 15 months ago, whether or not you think that's a fitting punishment, is it up to the NFL to dole it out? I really have no idea what to think.


I imagine most of you agree so let me state the obvious: with all due respect to 30 for 30, PTI and Erin Andrews' career, the Gruden QB Camp is the best thing ESPN has done in a long, long time. What a fucking epic hour of TV. I’ve watched it three times and it gets better every time. Magglio and I had a running joke last year that during the third quarter of every MNF game, Gruden would start openly auditioning for the losing team’s coaching job. “If you’re the Cowboys, you have to start thinking about getting Romo a teacher, someone who understands the challenges of the quarterback position.” However, after watching the QB Camp, I realized he’s not auditioning at all, that’s just the way he talks. He doesn’t ask a question to hear the answer, he asks a question to set up his next point. Anyone who ever played football can relate to this on some level. Football coaches just have their own way of talking, their own inflection. Like they’re an annoyed stepfather and we’re their idiot stepchildren. I think we need to go further with Gruden, fuck giving him his own show, give him his own network. We need a Truman Show-like around the clock look at this life.

Gruden: How’s the seafood? It pretty good?
Waiter: Yes, sir. We’re known for it.
Gruden: I don’t want good, you understand me? I want great.
Waiter: Yes sir, it’s great.
Gruden: I have very high expectations. Do you have high expectations?
Waiter: About your order?
Gruden: (pointing at menu) What does this say?
Waiter: Grilled salmon?
Gruden: Do you know what that means?
Waiter: Um…that the salmon is…grilled.
Gruden: People see that on a menu and they think different things. They expect different things, do you understand me?
Waiter: I don’t really know…
Gruden: It better be good, man. Because I’ll find you. You understand? You think I’m riding you, but I see it in your eyes, waiter, I think you can bring me great food. Not good, great. You understand?
Waiter: Wait, are you ordering the salmon?
Gruden: No. I don’t eat food. I photosynthesize like plants.


What do I want the Hawks to do tonight? More than anything, I just hope they don’t get cute. Draft for need, don’t take someone because you can’t believe he’s still there – take the best OT at #6. Take the best DE or S at #14. Don’t trade away the #40 pick in a loaded draft for a QB that hasn’t thrown a professional pass and looks like Duece Bigalow’s gay older brother.


And finally, as the draft enters a new era with this Thursday, Friday, Saturday goat fuck of a schedule, I’d like to thank Roger Goodell one last time for taking a gigantic dump on the West Coast. Thanks, Rog, you fucked up a national holiday. I’m totally raping you in my head right now, how many games do I get for that?

JR

The Tale of Two Shitties

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

On one hand, his college team, a team coming off a season so putrid that its fans would dive face-first into piles of diarrhea just to avoid its stench, was suddenly showing promise, playing with pluck, heart and creativity for the first time in 7 years. Sure there were still traces and remnants of poop but it was dissipating, leaving only a splash, a pinch, an occasionally mild dusting of poopiness. In short, to be a Washington Huskies fan is analogous to coaching a teenaged-boy as he starts to discover women: sure he says awkward things sometimes like “I masturbated to your Facebook profile last night;” and every now and then you have to pull him aside and say things like, “no, no, you let her order first and then you take your dick out;” but damn it, that little knucklehead sure does make you proud when he does it right.


On the other, his pro team, the one true love of his sports life despite his daily resistance, was mired in the worst possible time: the year before the rebuilding year. After a period of sustained success, the most successful in their relatively brief history in fact, the players got old, bad luck crept in and the wheels started to fall off. In short, to be a Seattle Seahawks fan was kind of like being in a bad relationship that should’ve ended years ago but for some reason keeps plodding along and delaying the inevitable; inexplicably refusing to cripple under the weight of its own limitations. Then, on one particularly crestfallen night, you push all your chips into the middle and take her out for a fancy dinner, get really drunk, laugh genuinely at first, bitterly at the end, and wake up in a hazy stupor to the harsh reality that in your drunken state you accidentally went home with a transsexual florist named Toni. Does that make you gay? It might but who cares? You’d let the entire Cowboys’ offensive line run a train on you every day for the rest of your miserable goddamn fucking life if it meant you never had to watch Matt Hasselbeck play quarterback again, FUCK YOU, SEAHAWKS, FUCK YOU!!!


(Editor’s note: we apologize for the slight break in motif, we will now return to the bad Dickens impersonation)


Add it all up and what did it equal for our fair narrator? Unfortunately it meant that he could not enjoy the success of one while enduring the failure of another. These two completely separate entities had become unequivocally and inexorably linked in his mind, heart and balls. His was a rare and unforeseen torture, one team emerging from the funk and another about to enter in. Falling back in love while futilely trying to fall out. Like hearing a sexy voice and realizing it belonged to a girl who looks like Nick Nolte, or seeing a girl who looks like Megan Fox only to realize that she also talks like Megan Fox.


Sports. What an elaborate prank it all is. The lowest lows and the highest highs wrapped up in a facade of permanence and significance. Did this mean he would stop watching either team? Of course not. Loving your favorite teams isn’t like loving anything else; sports are the only thing in life you can complain about where the complaints are completely surface level, void of any subtext. There are only so many grenades someone can launch in the direction of their wife, partner, boss, co-workers, friends and family without the subconscious starting to reveal itself. Freud once said that “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” and that’s true with sports. Sometimes you want to light that cigar and then shove it up your ass, but it’s a cigar nonetheless.


With that said, what did this little tale accomplish? Nothing. Do I feel better for writing it? No. Will I still drag myself to a bar to watch DeMacus Ware have sex with Matt Hasselbeck on live TV this weekend? Yes. Am I happy about this? No. Am I going to call Toni the transsexual and see if he wants to Jim Mora my Junior? Maybe. Has this whole situation, this weird, contradictory feeling made me love my teams or sports in general any less? No. If nothing else, it’s just a reminder that sports are one of the rare things in life that still has the capacity to surprise you on a yearly, if not hourly basis. And if you can’t realize and appreciate that simple fact then you’re probably a Seahawks fan. FUCK YOU, SEAHAWKS, FUCK YOU!!!



JR

AFC Preview

Includes: AFC Breakdown and 10 random thoughts

AFC East
1. Patriots: 13-3
2. Dolphins: 7-9
3. Jets: 7-9
4. Bills: 6-10

AFC North
1. Steelers: 11-5
2. Ravens: 9-7
3. Bengals: 8-8
4. Browns: 4-12

AFC South
1. Colts: 10-6
2. Titans: 10-6
3. Texans: 9-7
4. Jags: 7-9

AFC West
1. Chargers: 11-5
2. Raiders: 6-10
3. Chiefs: 5-11
4. Broncos: 3-13

Playoff Seeds
1. Patriots
2. Chargers
3. Steelers
4. Colts
5. Titans
6. Ravens

Wild Card
Steelers over Ravens
Titans over Colts

Divisional
Steelers over Patriots
Chargers over Titans

AFC Championship
Steelers over Chargers

10 random AFC thoughts

1.
Fairly predictable picks for a year that I think will be fairly predictable. The Patriots are back to being the dominant team with Brady back; the Steelers didn’t lose anyone and will have the best defense in the league by far; the Chargers are still the most talented team from top to bottom and will underachieve like always; the Colts and Ravens will do what they always do: dominate on one side of the ball during the regular season and have their shortcomings on the other side be exposed in the playoffs; the surprise team from the year before – in this case the Dolphins – will whither under a harder schedule and drop back to mediocrity; and finally, the team that people are talking way too much about – in this case the Texans – will start strong, and then lose 4 in a row as they try and suck their own dicks. Any kind of major shakeup will happen in the NFC, I think the AFC is business as usual.

2.
Over the last few days, we’ve been treated to two of the better football-related stories of all time: Seymour refusing to show up after being traded from NE to OAK and the whole Merriman / Tila Tequila situation, which has been utterly delightful on every level. After a summer of Favre, Vick, Ocho Cinco’s Twitter account, the question of whether or not Big Ben forced his coin into that hairy bitch’s slot machine, The Cowboy’s sketchy video board, Plax, McNair and a host of other unpleasant stories, it’s nice to have some inconsequential, entertaining drama back in our football lives.

3.
Two teams that are better than you think: Cincy and Oakland.

Cincy: Carson is healthy; the defense is better (Rivers and Maualuga will be one of better inside/outside LB combos); Ocho and Henry seem rejuvenated; the schedule is easier; I don’t think they can hang with PIT or BAL, but I can see them winning 8 games.

Oakland: Hear me out on this one. JaMarcus Russell played well down the stretch last year and looked decent in the preseason, McFadden is healthy and has something to prove, Tom Cable punched one of his assistants, which on another team would be a harbinger of doom but in Oakland is overwhelmingly positive, and the defense is young and fiery. They’re not good, but they’re not terrible either, watch them finish second in the toilet bowl known as the AFC West and play a meaningful game in December.

4.
Two teams that are worse than you think: Dolphins and Broncos.

Dolphins: Here’s a statistic that I love: on average, when a team goes from worst to first, their total wins decreases by 3 the following year. I don’t trust this team and I don’t like their schedule (they open @ ATL, home for INDY and then @ SD, followed by games against NO, PITT, TENN and 2 against NE) – I think they take a major step back.

Side note about the Dolphins: here’s a joke I was dying to make this spring and summer.

Random person X: Hey, Jericho, what did you think about the Dolphins taking Pat White in the 2nd round?

Jericho: I loved it. I hear he uses the same tampons as Ted Ginn, so that’s huge.

Broncos: I am biased here for two reasons: 1) The Hawks traded their 2nd rd pick this year for DEN’s 1 in 2010 and 2) I hate everything about the McDaniels era, was on Cutler’s side 100000% and want his tenure to be the worst in football history. He seems like such a fuck.

5.
I think I speak for everyone when I say the Belichick Coaching Tree gets a fat F- so far. The problem with Crennel, Mangini and McDaniels (leaving that fat fuck piece of shit Charlie Weis out of this b/c he’s in college) is that they walk around with Belichick’s swagger but haven’t earned it yet. McDaniels’ approach to the Cutler situation was right out of the Belichick handbook, except it wasn’t being ran by a fucking mastermind with three rings (5 if you count the 2 as the Giants D Coordinator), it was being ran by a 32 piss face who thinks he can be the mayor because he always wins at Monopoly. The biggest problem? Belichick can do crazy shit like trade Seymour or go with an undrafted rookie as Brady’s backup and no one bats an eye in the locker room, everyone believes. McDaniels doesn’t get the same leeway. As soon as Denver gets to 1-5 or 2-6, the team will unequivocally quit on him.

6.
The Wildcat is kind of like Tila Tequila, she occasionally looks so good in pictures that she tricks you into thinking she’s hotter than she really is but, ultimately, she can’t do shit with Merriman’s hands around her neck. In other words, I think defenses clamp down on the Wildcat this year and it’s gone by week 5.

7.
I think all the talk about “what will the Ravens do without Rex Ryan?” is kind of like saying, “what will Velvet Revolver do without Scott Weiland?” Don’t the Ravens still have the best run stuffing tackle in Haloti Ngata? Don’t they still have the best free safety in the NFL and maybe ever in Ed Reed? Don’t they still have the best motivator and biggest badass in Ray Lewis? Don’t they still have one of the better rushing OLBs in Terrell Suggs? What am I missing here? If Flacco had anyone to throw to I think they’d win the division.

8.
You heard it here first: Matt Cassel fucking sucks and will be a massive, massive disaster in KC. The good news, at least he’ll get off to a good start since the Chiefs get to host the Rex Ryan-less Ravens in week one. My prediction: Suggs will absolutely decimate Cassel on the first series for a 12-yard loss, which will lead to Ray Lewis celebrating by ripping off one of Cassel’s legs and then pretending that Suggs is an enormous cello, using the leg as the bow (or whatever the fuck you call it).

9.
A few quick hits:
- I think we’re going to get a lot of Vince Young this year and I think we’re going to like it.
- Ocho Cinco is going to give one of his friends his Twitter log in and have them Tweet from his account immediately after every one of his touchdowns. He’ll then do something dumb like pretending to type on the ball which will lead to an uncomfortable press conference where Goodell confirms that NFL footballs do not have WiFi or a keypad.
- Kyle Orton will give a spirited “no one believes in us except us!” speech, complete with fist pumps and a flipped over bench. Which would work except he looks like a homeless guy and has the first name “Kyle” and the last name “Orton.” (Honestly, can we please stop talking about his 21-12 record as a starter? He sucks and if you don’t know it, you suck.)
- Coaches fired after the season: Dick Jauron, Jack Del Rio, McDaniels and Cable (unless he kills the quality control assistant then he stays for sure)

10.
Awards
Coach of the Year: Marvin Lewis, Cincy
Best Offensive Player: Brady, NE
Best Defensive Player: Lawrence Timmons, PITT
Best Offensive Rookie: Knowshon Moreno, DEN
Best Defensive Rookie: Brian Cushing, HOU
Best Offseason Move: Jets trading for Lito Sheppard
Worst Offseason Move: Because you’re sick of hearing about the Broncos, how about the Chiefs trading Gonzalez (why trade for a new QB and then trade your best offensive player? Isn’t that like getting your chick fake tits and cutting your dick off in the same week?)




JR

Super Bowl

10 Thoughts on the biggest and best game of the year - by Magglio and Jericho.

1.
Wait, are we really supposed to take Matt Millen seriously? Are we just supposed to forget that he just shepherded the first 0-16 season in NFL history? This is a major violation of the Mark Wahlberg corollary – which is “wait a minute, I’m supposed to just forget that this guy was fucking Marky Mark and Funky Bunch and take him seriously as an actor? Um, no.” Anyway, shouldn’t NBC be required to have a little “worst GM in the history of life” graphic whenever Millen talks? Or at least “do not wager on anything this man says. EVER.”

2.
Why did Whisenhunt defer to start the game? Didn’t that seem really odd to everyone? You’ve got the hottest offense in the league, come out slanging! Take the ball, go no huddle and spread the ball all over the field, in other words, do what you do best, don’t wait to see what the other team is going to do. Let’s say you’re getting busy with a chick for the first time and your secret weapon is to “paint the fence” – the minute she pulls back her curtains you paint the fucking fence! You don’t twist a knuckle up there just to see how she’ll respond; you go big or you go home! It’s the Super Bowl! And yes, in the paint the fence scenario, Warner is the vagina, Fitz is the tongue and Edge is definitely the knuckle.

3.
The commercials as a whole were pretty forgetful. Have we really become a society that gets its kicks from slapstick crotch shots and talking animals? I guess so. Didn’t it seem like you’d seen every spot before a few Super Bowls back? I laughed out loud twice and twice only: 1) when the guy threw the snow globe to break the vending machine glass for Doritos’s, and 2) when the talking baby for e-trade broke into song…”take, these broken wings…”

4.
As close as they came, the Cardinals did not deserve to win that football game. Their tackling was atrocious and they had too many dumb penalties that just killed their momentum. I don’t care if the refs were calling it too tight, you can’t make boneheaded plays, i.e., run into Mitch Berger on a FG attempt, and win the game. Seriously, can you think of one tackle the Cardinals made? One good stop? It seemed like the yards after contact for the Steelers was gigantic. To have the lead with less than a minute left was not because the Cardinals were a better team, it’s because the Steelers couldn’t seal the deal.

5.
I officially hate the fucking Steelers. I tell you what; this game was so much more painful than I thought it was going to be. I’m a diehard Seahawks fan and watching the Steelers get every goddamn fucking call brought back all kinds of latent anger. I’m just lucky that NBC didn’t accidentally show Jerramy Stevens in the crowd or I probably would’ve jumped out the window.

6.
Watching someone who fucking murdered your fantasy team (Santonio Holmes) make one of the better catches in SB history (the Chris Carter-like tip toe in the corner) is akin to raping a small boy, having him grow up to be a famous musician and then having the huge role you played in his life be completely omitted from the Oscar-winning biopic. Fuck you, Santonio, I faked all my orgasms anyway.

7.
Jericho set the over/under at 5.5 for movie trailers occurring during the actual telecast. We reached 6 before the 2nd quarter started. Jesus. I can’t wait for the movie with Jack Black and Michael Cera. How much cooler is Seth Rogen than Jack Black by the way? Also, we saw Vicky Christina Barcelona this weekend. Wow. Put that in my top 5 movies of the year and top 5 fantasies I’d like to come true.

8.
The more the game went on, the drunker I got which means the less interested I was in the commercials. If I’m an advertiser I want my commercial at the very beginning. And while we’re at it fuck you Bruce Springsteen. No, forget Bruce Springsteen. Fuck the blowhards who thought it would be a good idea to have Bruce Springsteen play the Super Bowl. Can’t we have some current acts? Why wasn’t Kanye West playing with Daft Punk? Or Miley Cyrus dancing on a pole while Bret Michaels sang ‘Every Rose Has it’s Thorn’?

9.
So, tell me again why they didn’t review the last play? Oh yeah, now I remember, because it’s the biggest play in the biggest game of the year. Thanks, glad we cleared that up. Let’s say you and your girl are using a home pregnancy test – a cross means your life is over and a circle means your friends will still want to hang out with you – but the test shows an “X.” You say to yourself, “the fuck is an X? I don’t see an X listed anywhere.” And your girl says, “well, we’re pregnant, it’s over” and then walks out of the room and refuses to ever talk about it again. I mean, you get a second opinion on that, right?

10.
And in closing: Barack is the coolest guy on the planet. I’d still totally nail Faith Hill. Fuck people who bitch non-stop about referees. Tim Hightower will be a 2nd round pick next year. Fuck yeah to everyone who took the Cardinals and the points. Jennifer Hudson nailed the National Anthem, and the fact I noticed means either a) I’ve gone soft or b) she really did blow it outta the water. Does anyone watch Heroes anymore? Madden looks like he’s slimmed down and by slimmed down I mean swallowed a VW Jetta. Despite the last play, Dominique Rodgers Cromartie is a fucking stud. There was movement downtown when they showed Brenda Warner, just saying.

A few football thoughts before we go celebrate

Titans being 8-0
Magglio alluded to this earlier and I’m willing to listen to counter arguments on this one, but the Titans do not look like a team that can make a deep playoff run to me. They run and stop the run, key ingredients to winning a Bowl, but at some point Kerry Collins is going to have to make a play to win and I don’t think he does it. I watched the entire Titans / Packers game on Sunday and was struck by three things: 1) Albert Haynesworth is the scariest guy on the entire planet. I would rather blow Kimbo Slice, bite his tip off, spit it in his face and say “let’s see what you got, pussy cookie!” then fuck with Haynesworth. Did you see when he dropped back into coverage and batted a ball down!? Holy fucking shit. 2) Chris Johnson is the real fucking deal – he’ll be a good player for a long time. 3) Collins has the slowest, largest windup of any QB I’ve ever seen (sorry, Byron, you’ve been bumped to #2) and if a team can put pressure on him, which hasn’t happened yet all season, Collins will crap himself like he always fucking does. I did a little research on this; do you realize that the Titans have only played one team that ranks in the top 10 in sacks (Minnesota at #8)? In fact, of the 8 teams they’ve beaten, 6 rank dead last in sacks (KC = 32, Cincy = 31, Jax = 30, Indy = 29, Hou = 28, GB, 27)? Can you smell what I’m cooking here? There a good football team no doubt, and they have one of the best coaches in the league, but Kerry Collins and Kerry Collin’s vagina is the elephant’s vagina in the room here. Watch them meet up with someone like the Steelers in the playoffs and watch Collins put the diarrhea in diarrhea sandwich.

Browns going to Quinn
It never ceases to amaze how dumb the people who run NFL teams can be; this week’s dumb shit fucking ass move is the Browns giving Quinn his first start during a short week (the Browns play the Broncos on Thursday night). Look, I’m completely fine with starting Quinn, let’s see what you’ve got here, but why not wait until next week and give him extra practice / prep before he makes his debut. He hasn’t worked with the 1st team offense since the preseason and now they are giving him one practice before sending him out? That’s completely fucking moronic. You know the old adage about how the best thing for a young QB is a running game? That’s true of course, but even more important for a young QB: confidence. If you don’t think Quinn’s confidence is down after sliding to #21 and then watching Anderson light it up last year then you’re dumb enough to think starting him this week is a good idea. Young QBs are like virgins on prom night. You want to fuck them and they want to fuck you, but you gotta lube it up!

Romeo Crennel
In related Browns news, when a coach holds a press conference to announce that the backup is starting the next game and then spends 20 minutes reaffirming the fact that this was his decision and not the fans, there’s a 10000000000% chance he’s getting fired in the offseason. No big deal though. Now that Crennel has crossed “head coach of an NFL team” off his bucket list, he can move on to the next item: playing Reginald VelJohnson in a TV movie about all the drama behind the scenes during the making of Family Matters. You see he invested his entire Browns Salary in a run of “WWRVJD?” bracelets, and goddamn it those things are gonna sell! (P.S. #3 and #4 on his bucket list: 3 = see penis. 4 = hit penis against thigh while playing show tunes on the kazoo and go on the road and cheer up sick children under the name “Slap Happy.”)


The Horror! The Horror!
This is just not my year for football, the combined record of the teams I love (Seahawks, Huskies) and team I hate with a passion but am forced to follow b/c I’ve got nothing else to do (Niners, Raiders and my fantasy team) is a putrid 9-32. 9-32! The best of the worst is my barely breathing 4-5 fantasy team – and I start Pennington and Kevin Faulk for goddamn fuck’s sake! Having a 4-5 fantasy team with Pennington and Faulk as the one saving grace of your football season is akin to having a masturbating homeless guy as the one perk to living in your neighborhood. Sure, the place is moldy, the rent is too high and there’s been six break-ins in the last month, but ‘ol Willy Wanker and the Spanklate Factory, he really makes up for it!

6 Thoughts on the NFL as Free Agency winds down

No, this pic has nothing to do with anything, but when I put "free agency"
into google images this was the fist pic that came up. So there you go.

1.
Best free agent signing: ATL, Michael Turner

This is a brilliant move, 6 years at $34.5 million – that is a fucking steal. Not only will he give them the first home rum threat they’ve had since Jamal Anderson, but this frees them up to take either the best OL or best QB at the #3 spot in the draft. They can use Norwood as the change of pace back and get Turner 25-30 touches a game – I love this move.

2.
Worst free agent signing: CLE, Donte Stallworth

I don’t get this one at all. You’re building a young, talented offense, why spend $35 million on an injury prone head case? Besides, with Braylon Edwards on board you don’t need a deap threat, home run hitter type complement, you need a tough, move the chains, Wes Welker type slot receiver. CLE’s offense was out of this world last year, but the D couldn’t stop anyone – you’re not doing anything in that division unless you can bang with PITT and BAL, spend that money on D, don’t sign a speedster who won’t play more than 12 games next year.

3.
Best trade: NO getting Jonathan Vilma for a 4th rounder

My jaw hit the floor when I saw this. Vilma was an absolute star in his first couple of years when he was the fast, active MLB in the 4-3. The last few, he’s been the strong side backer in the 3-4, which nullifies all of his strengths and is just an absolute mismatch. With that said, the Saints got an impact player, who will fly all over the Superdome making plays at every point in the field and only had to give up a 4th rd pick. Phenomenal trade, does the NFL do comeback player of the year awards? If they do, you just found your candidate.

4.
Worst trade: NYJ getting Kris Jenkins from CAR for a 3rd and 5th rounder

Giving up two draft picks for a 360 pound (ESPN says 335, which is kind of like saying OJ Simpson is “sort of” crazy), ball of lard, would’ve been bad enough, but what makes this worse is that the Jets immediately tore up the final two years of his contract, giving him a five-year, $35 million deal that includes $20 million in guarantees. $20 million in guarantees! He’s averaged ten games a year in his career; he’s only going to get older and fatter, $35 million! That’s just stupid. Here’s the thing about the Jets off season so far, if you have a ratty old couch and you trade it to someone on craigslist for a ratty loveseat and recliner, you know what you’ve done to improve your living room? Absolutely nothing. I can understand the Faneca signing, I get trading Vilma when he didn’t fit, I’m fine with trading Dwayne Robertson if he’s underachieved, but you add all these moves together and it seems like they’re in the exact same place. Kind of like a treadmill.

5.
How the top 5 draft picks look like they're going to shape up:
1. MIA = Chris Long, DE, Virginia
2. STL = Jake Long, OL, Michigan
3. ATL = Matt Ryan, QB, BC
4. OAK = Glenn Dorsey, DL, LSU
5. KC = Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State

A few things to note / watch out for:

- Did you know that the last time a top 5 pick was traded was the Vick / LT deal? You’ll hear a lot about “Miami entertaining offers for #1” don’t believe them for a second – this rarely, rarely happens.
- With that said, the only possible trade I can see happening is Dallas packaging the #22 and the #28, and possibly a third rounder and moving up to #4 or #5 to take McFadden. Makes a lot of sense for all three of these teams, but we’ll see how it all plays out.
- You cannot underestimate how important Left Tackles are in football. Everything on offense starts and stops with that position, with that said, if I’m MIA and I have the #1, I take Jake Long 10 times out of 10. Look at the boost Joe Thomas gave CLE last year, young tackles contribute immediately. QB, RB, DE, these are all important, but every team would get instantly better with a great young tackle, if Long is on the board I think every team in the top 5 should take him, regardless of more pressing needs.

6.
Here’s a trade that makes so much sense it won’t happen:

PHI sends McNabb and the #19 to CHI for the #14 and Ced Benson.

Tell me that trade doesn’t make both teams immediately better. It’s time to end the McNabb era in PHI, too much baggage, too much “almost there.” Besides, it’s been painfully obvious the last few years that PHI isn’t McNabb’s team anymore; it’s Westbrook’s. However, Westbrook is injury prone and he needs a tough, grind it out complement, Benson is perfect. Same story for Ced in CHI, expectations were way too high from the start, he clashed with Lovie, this is a chance for him to start over for a good coach in an offense that will let him touch the ball 12-15 times a game and score 10 touchdowns. At #14, PHI can get a lineman or an impact receiver like Limas Sweed and at #19 CHI will be able to get a solid RB like Mendenhall from Illinois, Stewart from Oregon or Felix Jones from Arkansas. Perfect trade all around.

Jericho’s Application to be an NFL Writer

After spending the last few years reading everything there is to be read about the NFL on the Internet, Jericho has a pretty good grasp of how these writers write and what their editors think that readers want. To that end, he wrote the following article to officially audition for an NFL writing job. Look out Len Pasquarelli, Peter King, Pete Prisco and all the weird looking fucks that write for NFL.com, Jericho’s coming!


The Coaching Carousel: A Plea for Continuity

Round and round it goes,
Where it stops
Nobody knows.

- Old English Nursery Rhyme

Call it shortsightedness, call it lack of foresight, call it an inability to look into the future, or, if you must and are so inclined, call it narrow-minded forward outlook. Whichever synonym you use, there is a plague plaguing the National Football League.

Continuity. Or rather, incontinuity.

Webster’s defines continuity as “the state or quality of being continuous,” from the latin, “continuitas” meaning “a progressive flow all emanating from the whole.” Although, you have to wonder if football owners are using the same dictionary.

In no place is this better epitomized than in Oakland. If San Francisco is “the city by the bay,” then Oakland is “the city of no way,” as in “there’s no way we’re keeping a coach longer than two years because our owner keeps firing everybody.”

In Al Davis’ dictionary, maybe continuity is defined as demanding the resignation of your “savior” one year into his tenure. Perhaps, after the word, the pronunciation and the word type, the definition of continuity reads: bring back a coach you mistakenly fired and his motel-running offensive coordinator and give them just enough rope to hang themselves. And, I would wager to guess, when flipping through the “C”s in his dictionary, wandering past the “Ci”s and the “Cl”s, eventually and haphazardly finding himself in the “Cont”s he stumbles across a word defined as thus: fire a coach a year removed from the Super Bowl.

Now, I should note, that this is in no way a knock on Al Davis the man, this is a knock on Al Davis the decision maker. For we can be sure, there isn’t a person alive who loves football more than Al Davis. If football were a baby, Al Davis would lactate and feed that baby. If football were a homeless man on the street carrying multiple shopping bags and screaming incoherently about socialism, Al Davis would buy that man a soup. If football were an old, senile owner who keeps messing up the chemistry of his team by demanding to stay in charge of all operations and personnel decisions, than Al Davis would be that man. Because football is Al Davis. And Al Davis is football.

What a gift it is to be in his presence. To be in the box with him. To see his drool, so dedicated and passionate, slither down his chin onto his windbreaker. To see his teeth, yellowed and broken by years of bad cigarettes and worse offenses, open for a bite of pudding as his trembling hand, elegant and grand like a wide receiver running a deep post, misses his mouth completely, slamming the spoon into the side of his benevolent face. We are all enriched by Al Davis’ passion and purpose. We are all students of the game. His game.

However, all reverence aside, the proud old ship that was the Raiders has taken on more water than an upturned cup in a mid-December drizzle. But be sure, this rain is not made of water this rain is raining incompetence. And the incompetence starts with the revolving door, the ejector seat, the darned if you do, but pretty much darned anyway situation that is the Raider’s head coaching job.

At first, the hiring of Lane Kiffin seemed inspired. A masterstroke. The young, intrepid genius united with the wise sage of the hash marks. However, as the two egos started to clash, the decision started to be questioned. Suddenly, the brilliant move seemed forced, awkward, unnatural, like a black guy wearing Birkenstocks. The young upstart looks like he’s on his way out after one year.

Art Shell was supposed to be a return to Raider greatness. A reminder of a bygone era of Super Bowls, Pro Bowls, and stained glass bowls filled with victory. It was not the case. Art Shell’s offense proved to be as listless and as unmovable as Art Shell’s face. A rumor started steaming through Raider Nation that Al Davis was so upset at the performance of his team that he crapped himself and forgot who he was for over an hour. A symptom of age? Maybe. A symptom of incontinuity? Probably. Art was shown the door after one year.

Bill Callahan and Norv Turner did not fare better. Callahan was the heir apparent to a great team, a veteran team, a tenacious team, an Al Davis team. But his awkward demeanor, and “the bullies took my lunch money and now I have no lunch money!” style of coaching did not bode well with Raider faithful. Norv Turner was the wrong man at the wrong time for the wrong team, known as an offensive genius, Norv quickly turned a proud, talented team to the kind of gooey mush that Al Davis is spoon-fed approximately 90 minutes before bed time.

How to fix the Raiders? If anyone had that answer, there’s a good chance that Al Davis would ask them to repeat it several times with his hand cupped over his ear before screaming, “Starbucks! Photograph! Indiana Jones stole my dishwasher! Indiana Jones stole my washdisher!” There is a proud tradition in Oakland and a proud man who is proud of that tradition. Maybe coaching continuity isn’t the end all be all, and it might not be a step in the right direction, but at least it’s a step, something that Al Davis hasn’t taken unassisted for years.

Something needs to be done. And quickly.

Round and round it goes,
Where it stops
Nobody knows.

This is one ride, I, for one, can’t wait to get off.

And soon.

Because after soon comes later, and later may be too late.

Fuck 'em both

Hey. Guess what? The Super Bowl is Sunday. No, really. Enough of the bullshit hype and the “other Manning’ articles. Let’s settle this shit on the field. Truth be told, we could give a shit who wins. Those coastist fucks back East never care when we’re in a major event so why should we when it’s them. (that sentence made sense in my head.) In a perfect world, both teams would lose. In a perfect world, cameras would catch Giselle giving a squeezer to Gene Upshaw during the 3^rd quarter. In a perfect world I’m sitting on a tropical island right now being served drinks by a baboon wearing a toga and laughing about how my millions of Google shares just split again. But it’s not a perfect world. Which means one of those teams is going to win. Shit.

Top 5 reasons why we hope the Patriots lose:

1. Because we won’t have to see Bill Belichick smile. Which is both creepy and awkward.

2. Because it means Mike Vrabel probably didn’t score a touchdown, Tedy Bruschi won’t be joined on the field by his bimbo wife and Randy Moss won’t get a Super Bowl ring.

3. Because as handsome as he is, we just can’t take anymore Tom Brady. It’s true. You’ve had your moment Tom it’s time to ride off into the sunset. We want Montana’s 4 Super Bowl rings to stay alone at the top. (we don’t count Terry Bradshaw after his partial nudity in the movie ‘Failure to Launch.)

4. Because Matt Cassel has thrown only 38 passes in college and the NFL…COMBINED! He hasn’t earned a ring.

5. Because they let go of Bethel Johnson last season. And I always thought the announcers were saying Beppo Johnson instead of Bethel Johnson. How much cooler is the name Beppo Johnson?

Top 5 reasons we hope the Giants lose:

1. Because it means the gap in Michael Strahan’s teeth won't be all over TV, magazines and radio. Yeah, radio too.

2. Because it means we won't have to hear Chris Berman say ‘The New York Football Giants’ over and over and over again.

3. Because Plaxico’s a whiner, Eli has a labia minora and the no-talent Jason Seahorn is the luckiest guy on the face of the earth. What’s that? Sehorn’s not on the team anymore. Ah, who cares? Fuck him anyways.

4. Because nobody remembers who lost the Super Bowl…think about it…who lost 3 years ago? Exactly. Fuck the Giants. I hope you forget them too.

5. Because it looks like this Johan Santana deal is going to go through. Isn’t that enough for New Yorkers to be excited about this weekend? Do they need much else?

Prediction:
Giants - 27
Patriots - 24

Go Niners!

Super Bowl Media Day

Because of the overwhelming success of Apples and Moustache and the frenzy it has caused throughout the sports world, we have been invited to participate in today’s Media Day in Phoenix, AZ. You heard that correctly, Jericho and I were flown out as special guests of the NFL to attend the Super Bowl’s Media Day and get up-close and personal with the Patriots and the Giants. Below are the unedited and unfiltered responses to questions asked by yours truly.

After ransacking the food tent, stacking up on as much cheese and chili cheese Fritos as we could possibly get our hands on, we were ushered onto the field to talk with the players. First up was 5’9” WR Wes Welker who led the Patriots with 112 receptions this season.

Magglio:
Wes, hi there, Magglio from Apples and Moustaches, congratulations on making the Super Bowl. So, you look like a hobbit and you run like a hyena, if you had to choose one TV Sitcom character that best describes your play on the field who would it be?

Welker:
Great question Magglio, and welcome to Phoenix. I think Six from Blossom would best describe my style of play. Flashy, sexy and way hotter than anyone else on the show.

Magglio:
Wes, not sure if I agree with you on that one. I was going to say more like David Silver from 90210. He made a splash on some episodes but deep down everyone knew they could kick his ass.

With that, I skedaddled over to the next podium where none other than Tom Brady was answering questions. It took me at least 10 minutes to wedge my way to the front…it was like a Britney deposition out there.

Magglio:
Tom, first of all congratulations on your record breaking season. I’m Magglio from…

Brady:
I know who you are. I’m a longtime reader of A&M. I loved your 5 levels of sports knowledge post and I thought your interview with Shaun Alexander’s vagina was spot on. What a pussy that guy is huh?

Magglio:
Totally. Thanks for reading. Anyways, my question to you is more of a word association. I’m going to say a word or a phrase and I want you to respond with whatever comes to mind. Ready?

Brady:
Hit me.

Magglio:
David Beckham?

Brady:
Second most handsome man on the planet.

Magglio:
Leonardo DiCaprio?

Brady:
Luckily, the guy showered A LOT!

Magglio:
The boot you’ve been spotted wearing?

Brady:
Designed by Armani, buckles by Hummer.

Magglio:
Brady for President 2016?

Brady:
Only if Gavin Newsom is my running mate.

Magglio:
Eli Manning?

Brady:
Pass.

Magglio:
What? You can’t pass on the question.

Brady:
I’m not passing. I’m saying ‘pass’. I hope he passes the ball 40 times because our defense will be ready.

Magglio:
Real World/Road Rules the Gauntlet 3.

Brady:
Evan is a man child. I’m shocked Evelyn is a lesbian. Was that well known? Danny is on so many steroids he makes Rodney Harrison look sane. And I’ve never understood the whole Nehemiah and Beth thing. I mean she’s got to have some serious sagging going on and he’s not a bad looking guy.

Magglio:
Best quarterback of all time?

Brady:
That’s easy, Joe Montana.

What a great guy huh?

With that our trip to Media Day came to an end. I crammed as much Velveeta cheese into my mouth as I could and Jericho stayed behind to witness the annual NBC circle jerk contest starring Tiki Barber, Keith Olberman and that big bitch from the Bionic Woman. Stay tuned for the results.

Giants / Pats breakdown

1.
One of the truths of football at any level is that the QB gets all the credit when you win and all the blame when you lose. That’s just the way it is and how it always will be. So, I’m ready for all the “The Maturation of Eli” and “From Sibling to Super Bowl” and “From Vag to Super Swagger” and so on and so forth. However, as we’re jerking him off let’s remember three things: 1) The Defense, which gave up 70 points in the first two weeks, has come together and is playing outstanding football. We always knew the pass rush was good, but the second and third levels, particularly the corners, Madison and Ross are playing out of their heads. 2) The Offensive line, long one of the weaknesses of the team is road grading people, Eli has more time and is making better decisions, let’s give the line some credit for this. 3) Brandon Jacobs and Bradshaw are the perfect 1-2 punch. Jacobs, despite some momentary lapses when he runs too tall, has been unstoppable and Bradshaw has the quicks to cut back when defenses over pursue (which the fast GB linebackers did on almost every single play). I don’t know how any of these three will translate to the Bowl, but they are stories we need to remember during the “pull out and come on my tits” Eli stories we’re going to get overwhelmed with over the next 13 days.

2.
Giants Defensive Coordinator Steve Spagnuolo will be a head coach somewhere next year. He’s transformed a very good unit into an elite unit and has the look, feel and goatee of a head coach. How much would Washington love to nab him from the Giants next year?

3.
Mike McCarthy’s play calling in the second half was atrocious. Why was every run an off tackle and why was every pass play 10-15 yards down the field? That’s the exact opposite approach of what got them here and what Brett’s strengths are. Where’s the slant? Where’s the draw and screen pass? Why not stand up and throw it immediately to Jennings, see if he can make a couple of guys miss? Why not run the stretch play and tire out the Giants’ DEs? Where’s Donald Lee up the seams? That baffled me more than anything yesterday. Brett didn’t throw the ball very well, their LBs over pursued, Plaxico got to fuck Al Harris without even taking him out to dinner or anything, but McCarthy got out coached yesterday.

4.
5 quick hits:
- I think Favre comes back for one more year. He doesn’t want the last pass he threw to be a horrible pick that cost his team the NFC championship.
- Atari Bibgy needs to be mentioned in the “hardest hitters in the NFL” debate, that guy is a fucking assassin out there.
- What were Terry, Howie and Jimmy trying to prove with those hats? We get it, you’re all rich, white dickheads. We knew that all ready, you don’t have to scream it. They were one Barry Manilow song, one Bingo game and one “sending back the soup because it’s too hot and too tomatoey” away from having an old white man power rally.
- How great was Eli’s celebration? You could almost hear his thought process as he was looking for someone to hug, “white person, white person, white person, white person, white person, white person, there’s Jeff Feagles! Hug me Feagles! I love you, I love you, I love you.”
- How weird and uncomfortable was Archie Manning’s box yesterday. Can’t you see him just screaming at people the whole game? “Gall darn it, Robbie, sit your buns down! You know Eli hates when we high-five after a first down and I’ll be a toasted bagel in a synagogue before I let my son see you slapping skin after another first and ten!”

Fearless Playoff Picks

The closer we get to the Super Bowl the more pseudo fans come out of the woodwork. Chances are you watched the Wild Card game with just a few friends all of whom could tell the difference between Ernest Graham and Ernest Wilford. By the Divisional Playoffs, girlfriends started to surface, use of the f-word started to dwindle a bit and inevitably somebody asked “have they shown Jessica Simpson yet?” This weekend is what is commonly referred to as the ‘real Super Bowl’. And that’s not just because of the match-ups. It’s because of the people you’re surrounded by. This is the last chance you’ll have to semi-watch the game in peace. Most likely you’ll be surrounded by children and wives but for the most part they won’t care about the game. Someone will ask everyone to quiet down at the commercials and you can tell them to “fuck off”…that’s in 2 weeks. This weekend, remember, the f-word can be used but only when entirely appropriate…there will be women and children in attendance. As for the Super Bowl? Forget it. You’ll be shushed during commercials and the f-word is non-existent. Thank God nobody I care about is playing anymore.

Enjoy this weekend of football. It will be your last.

Game: Patriots vs. Chargers
The only question here is Randy Moss. Will he do anything this week or will he go through the entire playoffs as a decoy? The challenge when defending the Pats is they are loaded…and Brady sees all. He’s like the Perez Hilton of the NFL, but not as fat, gay or annoying. My guess? Moss catches 4 passes for 36 yards and a TD early on. The game is close until the third quarter when Wes Welker takes over. Not a lot of suspense in this game. Fingers crossed the Pats lose in the Super Bowl because if I have to take one more Bill Simmons “why I want to hump the entire city of Boston” article I might puke.

Prediction:
Patriots – 34
Chargers – 13

Game: Packers vs. Giants
Six things to think about during this game:

1. Eli Manning is starting in an NFC Championship game.

2. Snow is really fun to play in but could potentially slow this game waaaay down. As my dad says, it’s like having another player on the field which changes everything. I agree. Damn it Dallas, you’ve got the dome…where you at?

3. Osi Umenyiora might literally shit on Brett Favre…which would make for great TV.

4. This will be the James Jones coming out party.

5. AJ McLean has just announced that he believes in Britney Spears. You can close the book on that one.

6. Eli Manning is a bitch

Prediction:
Packers - 27
Giants - 21

Football Hangover – 1/14/08

Oh it hurts. My head is ringing from the weekend of games. What is typically referred to as the ‘best’ weekend in the NFL was a menagerie of chaos. How did we get to this point?

The weekend started with the following conversation:

Magglio: (wearing a game worn Seahawks Glenn Foley Jersey, sipping a Pabst Blue Ribbon, looking amazing) “Damn dude, I’m so excited about this weekend’s games.”

Jericho: (wearing a cardigan, sipping a pink lemonade) “Me too.”

Magglio: “Six of the eight teams are ridiculous. Which means we’re going to have a great weekend of championship games next weekend and the Super Bowl is gonna be filthy.”

Jericho: “Pats/Cowboys or Colts/Pack…this is gonna be great.”

(insert turntable scratch here)

What happened? Everything was lined up this weekend to put together some of the most competitive championship games in recent memory. And then reality sunk in. Peyton Manning does what he does best (choke) and the Cowboys got caught sniffing their own shit. Some observations from the weekend:

* Green Bay looked good. The Seahawks put up a decent fight, but the Packers are stacked. Can they be the team to unseat the Patriots?

* Shhhh. Eli Manning has quietly lead his team to the final four while big brother sits at home watching. Archie must feel like Richard Williams when Serena finally surpassed Venus. Except his pride and joy is a frail little ladyboy while Richard's is the man child. That sentence made no sense but I got to refer to Eli as a ladyboy. That was fun.

* Tony Romo played a helluva game. He didn’t get shit for protection and his receivers looked like they had alligator arms out there. T.O. is right to be crying this one is going to sting for a long while.

* The Jags put up a great fight, no doubt. This is the kinda team we’ll look back at and say if the Patriots were not the Patirots the Jags coulda done some real damage. Who knows how far they would’ve gone.

* Two reasons it sucks being a QB sometimes: Patrick Crayton and Marcus Pollard. Catch the ball for fuck’s sake.

* How soon before Peyton is back in the gym, working out, watching film, throwing passes and preparing for the 2008 season? My guess is he’s already there.

* Our man crush on Green Bay WR James Jones continues to swell (weird choice of words, we know). He’s a man child out there and when he gets the ball in the open field, watch out. He’s like a young T.O. with the Niners. When Donald Driver finally retires Jones will be the number 2 guy on that team. Watch out.

* The 2004 NFL draft featured Eli Manning and Philip Rivers in its first 5 picks. Both are starting this weekend. I’m still waiting for the Akili Smith/Tim Couch matchup from the illustrious 1999 draft.

* A&M had a disastrous prediction for the Colts/Chargers game. That was our guaranteed, can’t miss game. So what did you learn from this? Never take your football advice from a couple of slap dicks writing a blog. On another note, our can’t miss fearless predictions for this week’s games will be out Friday…I can’t wait!

* Brandon Jacobs is a beast. An absolute monster. I think he should be put in a caged ring with Christian Okoye and Jorvorskie Lane for a fight to the death.

* Get this, 145 running backs make more money than Ryan Grant.

Enjoy the week of banter, speculations, guesstimations, hyposthesis, Ed Werner and Merill Hodge. Championship Sunday is only 6 days away!

Fearless Playoff Picks - by Magglio & Jericho

Pats / Jags
Let’s all calm down here for a minute. Picking the Jags in an upset has been the trendiest of all trendy picks this playoff season. But people like this idiot need to consider a few things before they merrily take the points and buy a Garrard jersey.

1) The Pats are 16 and fucking 0! They’ve been pissed since week one; you honestly think they’re going to lose at home in the divisionals! Get real, dude. Everyone keeps saying, “the Jags are the hottest team in the NFL right now!” Um, isn’t the undefeated team the hottest team?

2) Belichick has been preparing for this game for two weeks, how good is Belichick at preparing in four days, let alone two weeks? Yes, the Jags have a great running game, but what happens when the Pats overload the line and make the Jags throw? Do you really think that Garrard can win a game in Foxborough against the best defensive mind ever? Me neither.

3) In addition to stopping the run, the other way you beat the Jags is by attacking the deep middle of the field. Which would be a problem for the Pats except for the fact that they have the GREATEST DEEP THREAT OF ALL TIME! Sorry for the Caps Lock, but come on! Moss will score three times on Saturday, you heard it here first.

4) This game will over by halftime.

Prediction:
Patriots - 31
Jags - 10

Colts / Chargers
If we had to choose one game to pick, our fool proof, no doubt, guaranteed winner…then this would be it. Did you watch the games last week? The Chargers looked terrible against the Titans of all teams. LT had 30 yards. How do you think they’re going to fair against a recharged, defending champ Peyton and the Colts? Everyone talks about the Chargers D and how they picked off Manning 6 times the last time these two teams met. But, everyone seems to forget that the Colts D finished 3^rd in the NFL this season and feature the Defensive Player of the Year safety Bob Sanders. This has blowout written all over it. Like going deep into the Mission and ordering cabeza with your super burrito and extra beans. You know what I’m saying? This is a statement game for the Peyton and the Colts. New England who?

Prediciton:
Colts – 52
Chargers - 10

Cowboys / Giants
I’d feel 50x better about this game if we knew more about T.O.’s ankle, however, he’s such a threat that he’ll still draw a lot of attention regardless of how healthy he is, opening up things underneath for Witten and in the flat for Barber III. Adding to that, this is the 3^rd time these teams have played each other, so no one’s fooling anyone, this is “what you do best against what I do best.” However, I like the Cowboys in this one for three reasons:

1) The Cowboys beat the Giants twice this year by an average of 10.5 points

2) Not counting T.O., the Cowboys are much, much, much healthier

3) The Giants looked a little too good last week, you can never trust wild card teams that look a little too good the first week, most likely they peak early, get over confident and get ass whipped in round 2

However, with all that said, I can’t get past three things: Eli Manning, Eli Manning’s face and Eli Manning’s vagina. Before last week I’d have said that a dog mating with a cat to produce the world’s first Dat, was more likely than Eli ever winning a playoff game on the road. I was wrong about that one, but I’m not ready to believe, in fact I’m 500 miles away from being ready to believe that Eli can win two road playoff games in a row. I just can’t see that happening, regardless of the destructive forces of T.O.’s ankle and Jessica Simpson’s bikini line.

Prediction:
Cowboys - 38
Giants - 24

Seahawks / Packers
(written by Magglio, because Jericho couldn’t handle the pressure on this one.)
With respect to Jericho who is a diehard Seahawks fan, something makes me really nervous about this match-up. Sure, the Hawks just tattooed the Skins in the wild card game but as we all know the score was a little misleading and they were in facing a guy named Todd Collins. That’s not my point. My point is that this Seahawk team, despite its tough D, its good QB and solid receiving corps is sketchy. This is not your 2005/2006 Seahawks. They lost at Pitt in week 5, at New Orleans in week 6, at Carolina in week 15 and at Atlanta in the last week of the season. The only wins on the road were at SF (doesn’t count) and a quality win week 13 at Philly. Face it, they’re not a good road team.

Bring the brash attitude, bring Lofa Tatupu and bring Patrick Kearny’s freaky robotic Todd Heap-like face. But it’ll be the same result. Green Bay will win this game by wearing down the secondary while Ryan Grant sneaks in frequent 10-12 yard runs. I wish it was different, but this my friends is the truth.

Prediction:
Packers - 27
Seahawks - 13

Apples and Moustaches for a wet Friday

Apple:
That’s it. Enough already. Look, I’ll be honest here. I wasn’t bothered by all the ‘Dr. McDreamy’ talk on Grey’s Anatomy…his character was ok and he’s not a terrible actor. I was only mildly nauseous when he started gracing different magazine covers and talk show couches. Sure, he’s got great hair. I get that. But this?! Are you kidding me with this? This is too much. Patrick Dempsey is so gay even Lance Bass wouldn’t fuck him.

Moustache:
"The good Lord has blessed me with skills that are uncommon, but are just something that I do naturally.” –Patrick Willis

Congrats to Patirck Willis, the NFL’s Defensive Rookie of the Year. (and congrats to Jericho for correctly picking both ROYs in his pre-season picks.)

Apple:
Speaking of apples, I ate my entire apple today. Including the core. My friend Kevin told me it’s the healthiest part of the apple. Something about more fiber. I’ll eat anything so I tried it. The texture wasn’t as friendly and it was a little scratchier going down. The real test will be on its way out. We’ll see what happens.

Moustache:
Were the first few days back from ‘winter break’ always this tough? I used to come back from the holidays feeling refreshed and energized. But for some reason I’m still dragging ass. I’m going to chalk it up as still in my vacation mindset. Or maybe it’s time for a career change. Either way the weather isn’t helping. My suggestion for you this weekend? A steady dose of Radiohead’s In Rainbows, ‘Intervention’ on A&E (not to be confused with A&M thank you very much) and push-ups…lots of fucking push ups…why? Cause American Gladiators premiers this Sunday on NBC! Holla.

Apple:
We’re on day 3 of the ‘no meat’ diet. I don’t feel any different. Except my cravings for double bacon cheeseburgers have sky rocketed.

Moustache:
NFL Playoff predictions for this weekend:
Seattle 24, Washington 14
Pittsburgh 27, Jacksonville 21
Tampa Bay 34, New York 10
San Diego 41, Tennessee 13

Apple:
Finish the sentence with resident A&M meat-eater Jericho:

Mark Mangino is so fat…. that Dorothy's original line was: "we may not be in Kansas anymore, Toto, but I can still see Mark Mangino’s fat ass.

If I had a pint of Guinness, a red sharpie and dysentery right now....I’d be a drunken Irish pirate with red circles around his nipples, or in other words Bono.

Megan Fox is so hot…that I wish I had a second penis so I could jack off to her twice.

And that my friend is why this blog is making so much noise.
Apples and Moustaches; read by tens and tens of readers.
Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

3 Apples & 3 Moustaches

Apple
Of course Eli played out of his mind against the Pats, there was nothing to play for! All of these “he’s finally arrived!” and “no one wants any part of the Eli in the playoffs!” stories could not be dumber. Honestly as a Seahawk fan, I’d rather be the 4 seed and play the Giants at home in the wild card and then go to Dallas for the divisions. I’d much rather play Eli than Todd Collins, everyone on earth knows Eli will crap the bed in the playoffs, even Eli knows this! Instead, the Hawks get an emotional Skins team and then have to go to Lambeau in mid-January. Ouch. Sports writers are so fucking stupid.

Moustache
You know the old saying, “to really know someone you have to walk around for a day in their shoes?” Well, let me tell you, I bought a pair of used Steve Maddens this weekend and I feel exactly the same.

Apple
If a successful barber deems in his will that his oldest son will inherit his shop after he dies, could you say that his son is the hair apparent?

Moustache
I came down with a horrible cold over break. My nose is red and swollen and I’m emitting green goo every five minutes. In other words, my head is now Paris Hilton’s vagina. Or maybe I’m just making that connection because I met Stavros Niarchos at a bar on New Year’s Eve and let him nostril me in the men’s room.

Apple
The fact that there isn’t a playoff system in college football is rivaling the Writer’s strike for “baffling things that seem confusing but are actually so simple that they become confusing again.”

Moustache
Here’s a question: is Carlos Santana the Christopher Walken of music or is Christopher Walken the Carols Santana of movies? Think about it, both major, major talents, both incredibly unique with recognizable and often imitated styles, both can carry a project if need be but are better used and more comfortable as a supporting player, and both have settled comfortably into the “fuck it, I’m just making crazy cameos” phases of their careers. Maybe another, more A&M way of asking this question would be: is playing guitar on a Michelle Branch song the Balls of Fury of music cameos or is Balls of Fury the playing guitar on a Michelle Branch song of movie cameos? Can we get a ruling here? Do you see cameo and think cameltoe or is that just me?

The Football Hangover: 12/17/07

Fantasy Fuck You: Tom Brady.
Note: Neither Jericho nor I are in any fantasy playoffs this year but we are still following the action. Brady fucked people this past week. Royally fucked ‘em. Fucked ‘em like A-Rod just did to Scott Boras. Of course the funny thing about all of this is Brady could care less. His team is 14-0 the last thing on his mind is all of us losers out there screaming at our TV for him to huck it to Wes Welker. On behalf of my father-in-law (who was ousted from the playoffs because of you) and all of the rest of us out here in fantasy world…fuck you! (What am I saying? I can’t stay mad at you Tom Brady. It’s that chin dimple.)

Forty-Niner Football
The Forty Niners had a pulse this weekend. On Saturday night, Shaun Hill befuddled the sports world (or at least the 3,500 in attendance and the other 5,000 watching on TV) by dismantling the Bengals. Where did this guy come from?! (Maryland) How would you describe his playing style? (Poised) Alex Smith who? (Whom?)

On a side note, eat me Marshall Faulk and Deion Sanders. We know, you guys are legends…possibly the best at your positions of all-time, but if you’re going to do commentary of an NFL game then add some value. It seemed that every chance they got they would hype themselves or justify a good Niner play on the field by saying that it was against the Bengals. Idiots.

How bout them Browns?!
The team to be scared of this playoff season is the Cleveland Browns. They can beat you through the air, they can grind it out on the ground and they’ve got a stingy offensive line that is peeking at the right time. I wouldn’t want to face these guys in January in the snow…that’s for sure.

Dallas Cowboys
They'll be fine. They’re bored. Can you blame them? They’re biding their time until the NFC championship when they can stick it to the Pack again and make a dream Pats/Boys Super-Bowl matchup. Can’t you just feel the anticipation for when Costas turns to the ‘players’ lounge for Tiki, Bettis and Collinsworth’s thoughts on the match-up? It might go something like this:

Costas: What a match-up we have brewing Super Bowl Sunday. Let’s check in on the fellas in the player’s lounge to get a different perspective. Guys?

Collinsworth: Thanks Bob. This is going to be good stuff.

Bettis: Sho is.

Tiki: What I really like about this match-up is that both teams play with 11 guys on each side of the ball. When I played it was essential to have 11 guys on every play.

Bettis: Man, you didn’t ever play with no 11 guys on the field.

Collinsworth: Easy there big fella.

(Laughter ensues.)

Collinsworth: Back to you Bob.

Brett Favre
Favre passed Dan Marino as the all-time leader in passing yards. Who cares?! Die already will you? Aren’t you the same age as John Elway? Why couldn’t you just leave when he did…10 years ago?! Is anyone else sick of Brett Favre too? We get it, you’re old, you make stupid plays, you’re one tough s.o.b…haven’t you gotten enough accolades? Go open a car dealership in Madison, WI and leave us alone, please.

Five Quick Thoughts on Bobby Petrino’s Backstabbing

1.
This officially closes the “hire a big name college coach to turn around the franchise” era of professional football. Nick Saban, Steve Spurrier and Petrino went a combined 30-47, each left with over three years left on their deals and each left their teams in much, much worse shape than when they took over (I’m not including Pete Carrol in this group, who, as you know, I’ve theorized will be the coach and GM of the Chargers next year, because he already has head coaching experience in the NFL).

2.
How vindicated does DeAngelo Hall feel right now? Six weeks ago, Petrino was calling Hall out in the media, publicly questioning his commitment to the team, his leadership, his willingness to buy into the system. Well, well, well, Bobby, what do you have to say for yourself now? Would you like to take back any of those comments about commitment? Can you imagine how DeAngelo felt, after all that ruckus, sitting on his couch watching Petrino’s fat face talking about how happy he is to be a part of the Razorback nation? I mean double, no triple fuck you, right?

3.
Can we please put an end to the “let’s feel sorry for Arthur Blank” stories? The guy fucking owns Home Depot, he’s worth billions, so what if his team sucks? Living in the Bay Area has never been more depressing from a football standpoint and I’m supposed to feel bad for this fucking guy? Yes, Vick is a monster and Petrino is a duechebag, but after suffering through 13 Niner games that could be most aptly described as being trapped in a small box with 1,000 flies for three hours, I’m not feeling sorry for anyone. Our team sucks too and you don’t see us crying into our $4,500 pillows do you?

4.
Bill Cowher & Marty Schottenheimer will be candidates 1 and 1a in this coaching search. If they can’t convince either one of them, they need to bring in a young, strong-minded assistant who can relate to the player and bring a sense of order. I’m thinking either Mike Singletary from the Niners, Jim Schwartz, the D Coordinator of the Titans, Steve Spaguolo, the D coordinator of the Giants, Jason Garrett, the O coordinator of the Cowboys or Rob Chudzinski, the O coordinator of the Browns are the most likely and most ready candidates. But that’s just me.

5.
One last thing, Arthur Blank needs to step up and cut Vick. As long as he is any in way associated with the franchise they’ll never completely move on and get out of his shadow. Release him, recoup as much money as you can and cut your fucking losses. The players need a fresh start next year and cutting him right now, don’t wait until the summer and don’t do it ceremoniously, is the only way to let them do that.