Thursday, December 27, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Top 10 gifts I want this
1) A fire engine:
Not one of the small van-like engines but one of those big fuckers. The ones where it takes a second driver to sit in the back to steer. The kind that is so loud tourists, children and marina chicks all scurry when it rolls by. Yeah. A big ass fire engine. I want one of them.
2) A shovel:
In case I’m ever channel surfing and I land on “Clash of the Choirs.” I’ll need to quickly put an end to the TV’s life for its devastating mistake. How many episodes will this last? 4? 2? Can it get any worse than this? The best part is in the previews when the announcer says “Four superstars…” and then they show Nick Lachey, some country singer, Michael Bolton (I swear!) and the other chick from Destiny’s Child. Or, this will be a huge success and we’ll be a little bit closer to understanding why everyone on this planet hates us.
3) A pro sports team:
Fledging or otherwise, it really doesn’t matter. Any of the major three sports are required, football or baseball is preferred. I think the Dolphins are for sale as are the Mets. If I got the Dolphins I would insist their logo got a facelift then I would cut their entire offense. Everyone. Even you Ted Ginn, Jr. If I owned the Mets…hell, I’d see if it came with a gift receipt. What a bunch of d-bags those guys are huh? (note: If I want my friend Josh to call me back the best way is to insult his favorite team..I’m thinking my phone will ring right about …now.)
4) The Nirvana Unplugged DVD, now available for the first time.
Not much explanation needed other than when this aired for the first time I was 12 years old and was still trying to figure out why I had hair in weird places. I remember where I was the first time I ever heard Nirvana play – and it sounded like the apocalypse before I ever knew what that word meant. I want the DVD for 2 reasons: 1) so I can watch it on my own terms, in the comfort of my own home, with my exact recipe of extra curricular activities as I see fit. 2) So I can watch it over and over and over again. Can someone get this for me please?
5) A t-shirt from The Bucanneer.
A local bar on Polk St. It’s only $10 and the coolest one is a black shirt with a picture of a skull and cross bones on it. People would look at me on the street and be like “whoa, that dude is totally tits.”
6) A mini-basketball and mini-basketball hoop.
Just for old time’s sake. We’d put it up in the living room,
7) My own personal sushi chef.
How sweet would that be? Maybe 3-4 times a week, only at dinner time. I’ve only recently discovered Sushi and I love it. There are 2 things that can make sushi difficult to eat; 1) sometimes it can taste like feet and 2) sushi is expensive. Getting my own personal chef would solve both of these concerns…can somebody get this for me please?
8) A ‘batphone’ of celebrity gossip.
This is what I really need. A tap into whatever the hottest, juiciest, steamiest gossip in
9) A food drier.
I love beef jerky. I want to make my own. I want to make steak jerky. I want to make salmon jerky. I want to make sushi jerky. I want to make burrito jerky. I want to make Jack and Coke jerky.
10) World Peace.
What? You thought I was just an asshole didn’t you?
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Would you rather be really busy at work or have nothing to do? It’s a problem I’ve been dealt with this week as the year is winding down. The obvious answer is nothing to do. But let me tell you, I’m pulling my fucking hair out. I’ve resorted to crop dusting the new girl, making my foot fall asleep then trying to walk up a flight of stairs, and IMing Jericho to see who can come up with the most disgusting bedroom scenario involving a Santa hat and a Cup O’Noodles. (I’m winning FYI) Hell yesterday I snuck in a 15-minute nap downstairs and nobody knew. Is it Xmas yet?
Two sites worth mentioning today, both from friends of A&M:
*The first is called Mister Product and it’s a shopping blog. Mister Product finds cool things on-line and tells us about them...it's that simple. The dude behind it is David Beach. A renaissance man in the world of Web 2.0. I know this much, when he’s talking I’m listening.
*The second is The Champagne Bubble. This blog is brand spanking new only having kicked off on Monday. But it’s been a long time coming. Miss L offers a chestier approach to the world of pop culture, man meat and drunken excursions. Give it a shot. This bitch knows what’s up.
I can’t stop listening to Jose Gonzalez. Fantastic stuff. His minimalist guitar work and tribal melodies are hitting hard these days. Something you must know about me, when I like music I don’t mess around, I digest it like I’m Ryan Gosling trying to get fired from a movie. I’ll ravish a new artist like I’m a Spears sister on a first date. And right now, Jose Gonzalez is my 19-year-old stud and I’m an innocent 16-year-old southern bell. Bring it Jose. I’m wide open.
Let’s get one thing straight; this whole Jessica Simpson cursed the Cowboys thing is a load of crap. First or all, as I mentioned earlier,
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
1. When a homeless person asks if you can spare some change, say “yes” in a very cheerful voice and keep walking
2. When an activist from a very worthy and / or innocuous cause, e.g., Greenpeace, Freeing Kids from Forced Labor in China, etc, asks if you would like to contribute to whatever it is they’re fighting for, say “hell no” in a very cheerful voice and keep walking. “Would you like to stop dolphins from being raped on the open seas?” “Hell no!”
3. When ordering your drink at Starbucks look at the person’s nametag and then say your name is the same as theirs. That little moment of “hey, we have the same name!” always brightens someone’s day.
4. Fake a limp for a few blocks; those looks of sympathy will cheer you right up.
5. Use loaded but totally acceptable words like “abort” and “penetrate” as much as possible in casual conversation. “I had a great idea but I now I can’t remember, guess my brain decided to abort that one!” “I’ve been on hold for ten minutes, I can’t seem to penetrate Bank of America today.”
6. Ask a pregnant woman if she knows who the mother of her baby is, because she does, and everyone likes to feel responsible.
7. Pretend your food has feelings; bullying your lunch is a great way to feel better about yourself.
8. Take your coat off on a cold day, throw it over your shoulder and then walk around complaining to everyone about how cold it is. I mean, people love to talk about the weather!
9. Feed your cat the cheapest, most generic cat food you can find but put a box of really expensive cat food on the counter. After all, ignorance is bliss!
10. Walk into a bar and order something totally made up like a “limping nun” or a "double chinned dolphin.” When the bartender asks what’s in it, say “vodka, ice and tonic water.” It always makes people happy to discover they have skills they never knew about.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Charlie Wilson’s War
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood
Atonement, No Country For Old Men and Charlie Wilson’s War are absolute shoo-ins, the other two spots are tougher to predict. The Academy loves to nominate one “little film that could” and Juno definitely fits that profile (although I’m secretly pulling for Once, it’s fucking fantastic, see this immediately. Seriously) and also one “I know this is a good film but I don’t really understand it so I’m going to just assume that it’s really, really good and nominate it” film, and There Will Be Blood fits that bill perfectly.
Potential Dark Horse: Michael Clayton, Sweeney Todd
My favorite that won’t make it: Once, Gone Baby Gone
Coen Brothers, No Country For Old Men
Joe Wright, Atonement
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Tim Burton, Sweeney Todd
Sean Penn, In The Wild
In the old days, the best pic noms and the director noms always matched, this has shifted the last few years and now usually features:
3-4 directors of best pic noms (Wright who is the real deal, The Coens who everyone loves and PTA, the wunderkind who comes back firing after a few quiet years)
1 extremely talented director who made a great film that not everybody liked (Burton)
1 Academy favorite (enter Sean Penn, plus the Academy loves actors who direct)
Potential Dark Horse: Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
My favorite that won’t make it: (Marc Forster, The Kite Runner, my favorite director right now so I’m biased)
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson’s War
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
James McAvoy, Atonement
Denzel Washington, American Gangster
Some big, big names and a hot-shot newcomer head this list. It’s gotten to the point now that as soon as Daniel Day-Lewis says, “Yes, I’ll do that” he’s instantly nominated. He’s that good and picks projects that well. (My favorite Day-Lewis story, did you know that it took Leo and Scorsese months to even find him when they wanted him to be in “Gangs of New York?” Apparently, he had retired from acting all together and was living in a tiny town on the coast of Ireland making shoes. Isn’t that amazing?) Hanks is back in his first Oscar-worthy role in a while so definitely count him in. Oscar stalwarts Clooney and Denzel are in big, showy roles that the Academy loves, and McAvoy announced himself in a big way with Atonement. Crowded category, Hanks, Clooney, Denzel and Day-Lewis have 6 Oscars between them, get ready for a dearth of “the most Oscars ever in a group of nominees!” stories.
Potential Dark Horse: Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises, Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd, Emille Hirsch, Into the Wild
My favorite that won’t make it: Casey Affleck, Gone Baby Gone
Kiera Knightley, Atonement
Julie Christie, After Her
Ellen Page, Juno
Laura Linney, The Savages
Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose
Kiera Knightley in a period piece = nomination. Julie Christie is an Oscar stalwart that hasn’t been heard from in a few years, the Academy loves that. Everyone will love Juno and rave about the “amazing cast,” Page will ride that wave to her first nomination. Linney is an industry favorite who’s never won and Cotillard got rave reviews playing a drug addicted singer, which next to slaves and retards always = nominations.
Potential Dark Horse: Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth II, Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart
My favorite that won’t make it: Katherine Heigl, Knocked Up
Best Supporting Actor
Tommy Lee Jones, No Country For Old Men
Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson’s War
Casey Affleck, Jesse James
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton
First three are easy to predict, lots of buzz around their roles, 2 Oscars and a bunch of nominations between the three already, count them in. The Academy will be torn on Casey, wanting to give him a best actor nom for Gone Baby Gone but not sure who to bump from the top five, they’ll give him this as a consolation. Not sure about the fifth spot, but my feeling is a lot of people wanted Wilkinson to win the best actor prize a few years back for “In the Bedroom” and will throw him this one to make up for it.
Potential Dark Horse: Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, The Savages
My favorite that won’t make it: Homayoun Ershadi, The Kite Runner
Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There
Vanessa Redgrave, Atonement
Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson’s War
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton
This is always the weirdest, most surprising and hardest to predict category. The first three are in stone, even though I hear Julia’s only in the movie for about 8 minutes, the second two are harder to predict, but I defy anyone to show me a better performance than Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone, she’s incredible.
Potential Dark Horse: Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
My favorite that won’t make it: Kelly Macdonald, No Country For Old Men
Best Original Screenplay
I’m Not There
I think the top four are definite, not sure about the last one, but the Academy will want to somehow honor one of the most original and successful (never underestimate Box Office success in the nomination process) movies of the year.
Potential Dark Horse: Once
My favorite that won’t make it: Shooter (oh fuck off, this movie ruled! Any script that names its hero Bob Lee Swagger gets a nom in my book).
Best Adapted Screenplay
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood
Into The Wild
Charlie Wilson’s War
The only potential surprise would be American Gangster knocking Into the Wild off the list, other than that this list is set.
Potential Dark Horse: American Gangster
My favorite that won’t make it: Zodiac (remember this one?), Gone Baby Gone
Monday, December 17, 2007
Fantasy Fuck You: Tom Brady.
The Forty Niners had a pulse this weekend. On Saturday night, Shaun Hill befuddled the sports world (or at least the 3,500 in attendance and the other 5,000 watching on TV) by dismantling the Bengals. Where did this guy come from?! (
On a side note, eat me Marshall Faulk and Deion Sanders. We know, you guys are legends…possibly the best at your positions of all-time, but if you’re going to do commentary of an NFL game then add some value. It seemed that every chance they got they would hype themselves or justify a good Niner play on the field by saying that it was against the Bengals. Idiots.
How bout them Browns?!
The team to be scared of this playoff season is the Cleveland Browns. They can beat you through the air, they can grind it out on the ground and they’ve got a stingy offensive line that is peeking at the right time. I wouldn’t want to face these guys in January in the snow…that’s for sure.
They'll be fine. They’re bored. Can you blame them? They’re biding their time until the NFC championship when they can stick it to the Pack again and make a dream Pats/Boys Super-Bowl matchup. Can’t you just feel the anticipation for when Costas turns to the ‘players’ lounge for Tiki, Bettis and Collinsworth’s thoughts on the match-up? It might go something like this:
Costas: What a match-up we have brewing Super Bowl Sunday. Let’s check in on the fellas in the player’s lounge to get a different perspective. Guys?
Collinsworth: Thanks Bob. This is going to be good stuff.
Bettis: Sho is.
Tiki: What I really like about this match-up is that both teams play with 11 guys on each side of the ball. When I played it was essential to have 11 guys on every play.
Bettis: Man, you didn’t ever play with no 11 guys on the field.
Collinsworth: Easy there big fella.
Collinsworth: Back to you Bob.
Favre passed Dan Marino as the all-time leader in passing yards. Who cares?! Die already will you? Aren’t you the same age as John Elway? Why couldn’t you just leave when he did…10 years ago?! Is anyone else sick of Brett Favre too? We get it, you’re old, you make stupid plays, you’re one tough s.o.b…haven’t you gotten enough accolades? Go open a car dealership in
Friday, December 14, 2007
Trailer of the new Batman movie Dark Knight!
Click it...come on, click it
Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. My score was 22. Little fuckers….
Rolling Stone’s coverage of Led Zepplin’s performance earlier this week:
Rumors are swirling they’ll headline Coachella in May. My bags are already packed.
How bad are the Niners?
My friend has an extra ticket to the game tomorrow and NOBODY wants it. What? It’s Shaun Hill’s first NFL start…history will be made. Most likely in his pants mid-way through the 1stquarter.
"He is really, really concerned and upset that he has been named in this report," – Roger Clemen’s lawyer. Are you kidding me? You fat fuck. You fucking cheater. My two cents on the Mitchell Report? It exonerates Barry Bonds without question. Everyone was doing it. He had no choice but to play along and he still demolished the HR record…that’s what we call a FACIAL!
Wait. Is Emma Roberts hot?
Is she too young to be having this conversation yet? Can we get a price check please?
Mischa Barton in Maxim:
The Girls Next Door in OK!
I like the lesbian looking one. Always have.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I fucking hate baseball, I think I need to make that point before I dive in, so take this post with a grain of salt, in fact take this grain of salt and inject it into Rafael Palmeiro’s ass.
Speaking of Rafael Palmeiro’s ass, isn’t that the stupidest, weirdest and most ridiculous part about taking steroids? If you’re Mark McGwire don’t you turn to Victor Conte or whoever your dealer was and say, “look, I’m Mark Fucking McGwire, I’m worth $100 million, can’t you figure out a way for me to take steroids that doesn’t involve being pantless in a stall with Rafael Palmeiro? Can’t you make a Power Bar or a shake or something, I really have to bend over in front of Jose Canseco once a week and say, “OK, Jose, fill me up?”
Here’s the early report from ESPN about the Mitchell findings:
Major League Baseball and the Players Association share the blame for tolerating a widespread culture of drug abuse, George Mitchell's report on doping in baseball says, according to two lawyers who said they are familiar with the report.
WOW! Shocking revelation! Also, Rafael Palmeiro’s ass, Rafael’s Palmeiro’s willingness to take steroids, and Rafael Palmeiro’s veins mixing the steroids with his blood all played equal parts in Rafael Palmeiro’s steroid use. MLB will try to determine which had the larger role and punish accordingly, Buster Olney reports.
The good news for baseball? At least you have Bud Selig to lead you through this crisis. I mean his face emits intelligence and inspires confidence and calm. When you look at Bud Selig you think, “now here’s a man that does nothing but think, eat, fart and sleep baseball, he loves the game, he’ll see us through.” In other news, did you know that “Weekend at Bernie’s” has been remade as “16 years as Baseball Commissioner?” I mean, I’d never insult an important, powerful man by insinuating that he looks, walks and talks like a corpse, but don’t you get the sense that Bud Selig has been auditioning for 16 years to be in a remake of the Thriller video?
The next few weeks will be flooded with terms like, “standard of fairness,” “Hall of Fame candidacy,” “the court of public opinion.” But honestly, if the report does not also include terms like “head size,” “backne,” “shrinkage” and “Brett Boone coming out of nowhere to hit 40 home runs in one year” then we might as well shove the entire thing up Rafael Palmeiro’s ass and start over.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
This officially closes the “hire a big name college coach to turn around the franchise” era of professional football. Nick Saban, Steve Spurrier and Petrino went a combined 30-47, each left with over three years left on their deals and each left their teams in much, much worse shape than when they took over (I’m not including Pete Carrol in this group, who, as you know, I’ve theorized will be the coach and GM of the Chargers next year, because he already has head coaching experience in the NFL).
How vindicated does DeAngelo Hall feel right now? Six weeks ago, Petrino was calling Hall out in the media, publicly questioning his commitment to the team, his leadership, his willingness to buy into the system. Well, well, well, Bobby, what do you have to say for yourself now? Would you like to take back any of those comments about commitment? Can you imagine how DeAngelo felt, after all that ruckus, sitting on his couch watching Petrino’s fat face talking about how happy he is to be a part of the Razorback nation? I mean double, no triple fuck you, right?
Can we please put an end to the “let’s feel sorry for Arthur Blank” stories? The guy fucking owns Home Depot, he’s worth billions, so what if his team sucks? Living in the Bay Area has never been more depressing from a football standpoint and I’m supposed to feel bad for this fucking guy? Yes, Vick is a monster and Petrino is a duechebag, but after suffering through 13 Niner games that could be most aptly described as being trapped in a small box with 1,000 flies for three hours, I’m not feeling sorry for anyone. Our team sucks too and you don’t see us crying into our $4,500 pillows do you?
Bill Cowher & Marty Schottenheimer will be candidates 1 and 1a in this coaching search. If they can’t convince either one of them, they need to bring in a young, strong-minded assistant who can relate to the player and bring a sense of order. I’m thinking either Mike Singletary from the Niners, Jim Schwartz, the D Coordinator of the Titans, Steve Spaguolo, the D coordinator of the Giants, Jason Garrett, the O coordinator of the Cowboys or Rob Chudzinski, the O coordinator of the Browns are the most likely and most ready candidates. But that’s just me.
One last thing, Arthur Blank needs to step up and cut Vick. As long as he is any in way associated with the franchise they’ll never completely move on and get out of his shadow. Release him, recoup as much money as you can and cut your fucking losses. The players need a fresh start next year and cutting him right now, don’t wait until the summer and don’t do it ceremoniously, is the only way to let them do that.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
***Note: When we started this blog, I never wanted to be the guy that blogged about TV shows…recapped exactly what happened….and tried to make witty comments along the way. Then I started watching The Hills.
Let’s get to it. The Hills season finale was last night. Of course, it was just announced they’ll be showing 8 more bonus episodes from Paris…but whatever. In its fake, over produced, awkwardly gawky 15-year-old girl style, MTV put on a two hour extravaganza with the last 30 minutes being the season finale. Two words: skipped it. Well, not the finale of course but the bullshit leading up to the main event. Sure, I slowed the DVR when Audrina was being interviewed (wow she’s dumb), when Brody entered (wow he’s a tool) and when Lauren made her “big entrance”. Her “big entrance” was actually just her stepping up one stair to the platform and the generic overacting hosts acting like it was the second coming for fuck's sake. I think she was actually wearing a sparkled garbage bag. She adds zero benefit to this world. Moving on.
The finale. It felt very unfinale-esque. There wasn’t any big revelation, or break-ups or pregnancy or Brody caught huffing paint cans in the ally with Justin-bobby. It really was just another episode. The best part, as always, was Spencer. Man, it doesn’t get much better than this guy. We’ve now come to refer to the place he resides most often as his “post”. This is basically his couch. Anywhere on the couch. Doing nothing. Actually one time “reading” a book which was as likely as seeing Shaun Hill throw a pass in the NFL. Check it out. Seriously, 95% of the time Spencer is at his post.
Since I mainly waited for Spencer to be on screen so I could laugh at his small mind and square little face I missed everything else that happened in the episode. So, I leave you with the following Xmas gift suggestions for the cast of The Hills.
A personality. Rent Garden State…there’s a reason every guy falls in love with Natalie Portman after seeing this and it’s not cause of her friends, her clothes or where she goes out at night.
A copy of Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ music video. Study this. Learn what makes her sexy. Now flaunt it for God’s sake.
Some new friends, a new dude and a guest role as one of the chicks on Deal or No Deal.
A Winnie-the-Pooh paint by numbers kit. And…your nose. I got your nose, I got your nose. (she’d fall for it every time, am I wrong?)
Nothing brah. Just keep on keeping on.
A big fat zit on your nose.
That’s all I got.
The Hills. Booyah bitches.
Friday, December 7, 2007
I just signed a going away card to one of our interns:
“Just remember, work is like prison, kick someone's ass on the first day and you'll be fine.”
Remember that Seinfeld episode when Kramer is taking karate but it turns out that he’s in a class of eight-year-olds? That’s exactly how I feel about Colt Brennan winning the Heisman.
Have you heard about the new Australian rock band where all the guys met at an obsessive-compulsive support group? Their name: OCDC
Rumors are swirling that the Giants are interested in Hideki Matsui for their outfield. When I asked a friend his opinion he thought it was a good idea but then wanted confirmation on what Matsui’s entrance music for each at-bat would be. Great question, this should always be a factor in the decision making process.
Things I realized at 1am last night:
- If SportsCenter is on at a bar, and I haven’t seen it yet, it’s going to be very difficult to pay attention to anything else.
- When did insulting chicks become the way to get in their pants? I was out with my wife and a couple of her friends…all gorgeous chicks. You should have seen the game these guys came with. One guy told a girl she had split ends. Another told a girl his mother had sexier ‘fuck me boots’ then the ones she was wearing. Five bucks says those guys ended their night with a squeezer and a hot pocket.
- Despite everything you know about hygiene, peanuts at a bar are mighty tasty.
- Drunk text messaging isn’t only stupid, it’s irresponsible.
- A 3 dollar tip on 4 drinks purchased is acceptable if more than one of the drinks is a bottle of beer. (I need Burt Reynolds, Steve Austin and that little Mexican dude from Boogie Nights to yell ‘Man Law’ in unison now to complete the thought.)
Something we too often forget…Garrison Hearst had immaculate skin.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
A conversation today between Magglio and Jericho at 1:24pm PST.
Magglio: Smoking hot
Magglio: End of story
Magglio: Sure, she might look like she hasn’t slept in days, has smoked a carton and just got the Denver Broncos to run the train on her...but she has a certain charm about her, I’d say.
Magglio: Right, but that’s not hideous. That’s hot
Magglio: We let that slide. Like Britney Spear's double chin. We remember the better times.
Magglio: How so?
Magglio: So really it's two levels of hotness. The unattainable and the totally available. Has that ever been done before?
Magglio: But was she hot in both lights?
Magglio: Point taken
Magglio: I still prefer the 'baby one more time days'.
Magglio: Everyone likes a school girl outfit. Am I wrong?
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Google, the wave of the future, blah blah blah. We get it. Google is taking over the world it’s just a matter of time. Well, now it’s time for me to admit defeat and get a gmail account. Of course, the only problem is choosing the name…what’s available? Let’s have a look and find out.
- mynameismaggliothisismyemail is available
- So is davidbeckhammancrush
- bigfatballs is not available
- neither is emailmebitch
- or gangstalean
- donkeyfucking is not available
- but iprollywon'treply is…
- imjustasquirrel is available!
- But wonkyeye is not
- donkeyrapingshiteater is not available but Google offers up kindwarm.0192 as a viable substitute…hmmm.
- horsecock is not but horsecock0857 is…FYI
- cainandlincecum is available
- so is donttradecain
- shaunalexandersvagina is available
- grundleduckbutter is available
- applesandmoustaches is available
- and not surprisingly, jerichoisapussy is taken
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
I realize I’ve said this 1,000 times on this blog, but in my opinion it can’t be said enough: Thank God for Ray Lewis. Seriously. Did you see his pregame speech to Reed and McGahee about Sean Taylor? Holy shit. I hope he never retires, and if he does, he should become a head coach immediately after. Honestly, who does a team play harder for, someone like Andy Reid, who knows everything about everything, or someone like Ray Lewis, who fucking feels it with every inch of his body? No contest, right? The Ravens can keep Billick to run the offense and make in-game decisions, keep Ryan to run the D and have Ray speak to the players and argue w/ the refs, you’re telling me Ray doesn’t win 12 games as a head coach?
Speaking of Billick, who is Billick? What’s his philosophy? Do you notice how the Ravens have absolutely no identity on offense? He’s an offensive coach, right? Think about it, Shanahan runs the ball with zone blocking to set up the play action and naked bootleg; Holmgren uses the 3 and 5 step drop to throw the quick out to set up the run; Norv Turner uses head coaching jobs to audition for offensive coordinator jobs; what does Billick do? Is there ever a time during a Ravens game when you say, “now, that’s a Billick-type drive?” Never, right? I don’t get it.
The defensive holding call on that fourth down was absolute shit and the Ravens have every right to feel they got screwed. (Bravo to Bart Scott for chucking the flag into the stands like that, not sure I’ve ever seen that before, well done.) Here’s the thing, tight ends get mauled by safeties on every play, not just some plays, every play and the defensive hold gets called maybe 5% of the time. I’m fine with throwing the flag in the first quarter, but on fourth down in the final seconds? Fuck no. You never want to see a game decided by a cheap foul in any sport. The Ravens deserved to win that game.
The only way I can see to beat the Pats is with a power running game, taking a few deep shots (particularly against Hobbs and Harrison – I wouldn’t go anywhere near Asante, that guy’s a fucking octopus), roughing up the receivers at the line (Moss and Stallworth are both pussies and Welker is 4 feet tall), and bringing heat on every play. Easier said than done right? The Steelers next week have the best chance, there’s no way the Jets, Dolphins or Giants can do any of the above, if NE wins next week, they go 16-0.
The other side of this coin is that teams have to stay aggressive at all times. Last night, the Ravens had the ball with a 7 point lead and 10 minutes left; one run and two horrible Boller throws later and they’re punting. Obviously, the Pats get 3 to cut the lead to 4. Ravens get the ball back with 6 minutes left, a few straight ahead runs and they’re punting again. The old, “play good defense, run down the clock” routine does not work against this offense, to beat the Pats you have to play like you’re ten points behind at all times, because you are.
Monday, December 3, 2007
After repeated requests to interview Shaun Alexander were either turned down by the Seahawks’ PR team or ignored all together, A&M received the following email out of the blue three days ago:
I’ll speak to you. I’m calling all the shots from here on out.
Confused, curious, but wary of a trap after ridiculing Sean several times on the site, we proceeded cautiously. Who was V? A new PR person? A bodyguard luring us into a trap? The answer was both frightening, enlightening and all together disgusting. What follows is a condensed email chain between A&M and the mysterious V. If you are faint of heart, have strong religious beliefs or just hate reading long, rambling interviews with a former MVP’s vagina, read no further.
A&M: Hello V, my name is Jericho Royall and I’m the funny one from Apples & Moustaches, I’ve been trying to interview Shawne Alexander for months about his horrid play and sagging gooter, can you help me get in touch with him?
V: I can do better than put you in touch with him. I can put you in him.
A&M: In him? That’s a little too Bye, Bye, Bye for me, maybe I could send you some questions you could ask.
V: No, no, no, you don’t understand, I’m with Shaun, right now, I’m with him everywhere he goes. I can speak for him.
A&M: Are you his publicist? Reverend? Skinny black man in leather pants and chains who rubs Vaseline on his head and tells him that even when runs like a scared nine yr old girl scout he’s still the starting RB on God’s team?
V: No. Better. When he cuts, I cut. When he squats, I squat. When he queefs, I have too much air inside of me.
A&M: Wait a minute! Do you mean…?
V: Yes. I am Shaun Alexander’s vagina.
A&M: But of course! It all makes so much sense.
V: Of course it does, my son.
A&M: Hold on a second though. How are you able to type?
V: Here’s a little known secret about Shaun, every night before bed he brings up his stats from the 2005 season on his computer, and how shall I say this, makes loves to them.
A&M: Do you mean he…?
V: Yes, he puts the mouse inside…and makes me scroll up and down and… I can’t go on, it’s too horrible!
A&M: You poor thing. Are you…um, checking his stats right now?
V: No, no. He had a really long stat check tonight; we even got into his high school numbers. Anyway, he fell asleep on his desk, I can reach the keyboard, but I don’t have much time. What do you want to know?
A&M: Well, I had about 10 questions prepared, but they all basically revolved around asking him if he had a vagina or not.
V: I guess we can close the book on that one!
A&M: We’re closing the book on a lot of things tonight, V.
V: Please, call me Shauna Tingleberry Alexandretta.
A&M: Is that really your name?
V: Well, not technically. But Coach Holmgren calls me that and I’ve grown quite fond of the way it sounds.
A&M: Wait a damn minute, are you telling me that Coach Holmgren knows about this?
V: Don’t do this to yourself, my child. The world has changed enough for one day, for your own sake I think you should stop your digging here.
A&M: Good point. Well, not that we know you exist, anything you’d like to say to the world?
V: Of course. I’m sorry, tell me again who I’m speaking with, you’re from Time Magazine, right?
A&M: Actually, no. I’m with Apples and Moustaches, an influential blog read by tens of people.
V: I see…will you send me the link please.
V: Splendid! I love it! Such whimsy! Such irreverence! If your blog was a vagina, it’d be Kordell Stewart’s!
A&M: Can we quote you on that?
V: Oh, you may, you may indeed!
A&M: Well, Shauna Tingleberry Alexandretta, this has been a profound experience speaking with you. In closing, anything you’d like to add, declare, or clear up?
V: Yes, thank you, child. First off, a man with a vagina is nothing to be laughed at, scoffed or feared. It’s a beautiful, natural thing. Second, while most would assume that a running back with a labia, uterus and fallopian tubes would be at a disadvantage, I think Shaun and I have proven that in fact it is a tremendous advantage, because it adds a bit more sensibility and caution to our game. Why throw ourselves head first into the line, when we can just dive and avoid contact all together? Why run in front of a charging, 250 lb linebacker when we can simply step to the right and easily avoid him? What you call being a “pussy” we call “protecting our pussy,” and we’ve done pretty well for ourselves because of it.
A&M: Thank you, Shauna. Thanks for your candor and for simultaneously proving and disproving everything I’ve ever thought about Seane Alexander.
V: Thank you, child. And good luck with your very entertaining, little…he stirs, he stirs, oh my goodness, he’s bringing up his stats from the 2003 Pro Bowl, lord have mercy on me!
A&M: Shauna? Shauna?
Well, folks, another groundbreaking story from the A&M News Team. This one wasn’t pretty, but then again, journalism isn’t meant to be pretty, it’s meant to be real.
Apples and Moustaches, trusted by tens, loved by Shaun Alexander’s vagina.