Underrated Day 5: Random Shit

Underrated Opportunity to Have an Honest Discussion With Your Girl About How Inherently Crazy Woman Are:
Sex and the City. Pick an episode, any episode. Let me preface this by saying two things 1) it’s a great show, it really is, if your girl forces you to watch something, this is the one to watch, and 2) Carrie Bradshaw is an absolutely unredeemable character, selfish, self-centered, neurotic, needy, conniving, malicious, she is a cunt with a capital CUNT. However, her cuntiness does give us the opportunity to say things like, “do you see?! Do you see how crazy that is?!” Now, what long-term effect will pointing out Carrie’s cunty moves ultimately have? None, none whatsoever, but it’s still nice to feel like you’re actually accomplishing something. Kind of like when you think “don’t talk to me, homeless person, don’t talk to me, homeless person,” and then when he doesn’t, feeling like you have telepathy for a few minutes. That’s pretty cool.


Underrated Asshole Move People Pull at the Gym:
Filling their water bottle at the drinking fountain while a whole line of people wait. Fuck you, lady! Step aside and let me get a drink! It takes two fucking seconds. We all know you’re going to polish off the rest of that Angel’s Food Cake, read Cosmo and cry yourself to sleep tonight anyway, get the fuck out of the way and start now!


Underrated Racial Slur:
Not our department actually. You’ll have to ask our redneck friends at Your Immoral Compass for that one.


Underrated Facial Expression:
The smirk. It’s so versatile; no facial expression could have so many possible interpretations. “I’m gonna fuck your brains out.” “I hate your fucking guts.” “I really like the way these jeans fit.” “Keep talking, shit head, you’re getting dumber by the fucking second.” “You know what? I think I like New York, I could live here.”

Big fan of the smirk. And while we’re praising the smirk, hats off to Pierce Brosnan, the preeminent smirker of his generation.


Underrated aspect of the MP3 Player revolution:
Being able to ignore people in public because you have headphones on. This has changed my whole life. Homeless people, old co-workers shouting your name from across the street, activists, small children drowning in a fountain – it doesn’t matter, you can just keep on walking.


Underrated Part About Having a Blog:
Sure it’s fun to rant, to have a forum for voicing all of the weird thoughts that pop up through out the day. But you know what a blog is really about? The people. New friends, old friends, friends you’d never knew you’d make and friends you never knew you had. Having this blog has opened me up to a totally undiscovered world of cool sites, great content and fantastic people. Can we all blog hug?


Underrated Sarcastic Statement:
The one right above this one. I mean, fuck you and your blogs. Seriously.

Except you, Tell Him Fred, you guys are pretty bad ass.


Underrated Part About the Above Statement Written About the Statement Above It:
The patented “Buddy, come on” IM I’m going to get from Magglio in about fifteen minutes. The kind of IM where you can actually hear his labia rubbing against his vaginal wall making a soft whining sound like a wet violin.

And with that, Underrated Week at A&M comes to a close. Magglio, you may now return to the Giants and The Hills and I'll go back to making nonsensical offensive statements just for the hell of it. You know what I'll remember most about our first foray into theme week? The laughter. The sound of all the children guffawing in unison like the soft chirp of a dog from the future running and his metal balls sparking together. Ahhhh...that's nice.

Until next time.

It's Friday, where the 40 at?

We’ve received more than a few emails from people saying ‘hey, I can’t be looking at your site at work’ or ‘whoa, I can’t have that pic up when my girl walks by.’ Well fair warning. Sometimes we post pictures that aren’t necessarily wholesome. Sometimes we say the “f-word”. And if Jericho’s posting, sometimes it’s far worse than that. (He’s a sinner, FYI.)

We’ve also heard from a few concerned readers about our state of mind and if a line such as ‘I feel like head butting everyone at work today’ means we are unhappy. Or, posts such as Wednesday’s therapeutic ‘fuck you’ post means we are angry at the world. Well, I’m here to set the record straight. We are not angry people. We like puppy dogs and ice cream. We enjoy Charlotte’s Web (both the movie and the novel), we enjoy a rousing round of Balderdash with friends and we enjoy any romantic comedy with Brianna Banks. (Please note we don’t enjoy these activities together because that would be gay. And, we’re not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

So thank you for your concerns. We appreciate our readers being worried about us. But please take it all with a grain of salt.

And, as always, we’re here for you: magglioandjericho@hotmail.com

Special thanks to KK, our resident historian, fact checker and pervert, for today's amazing photos. Well done KK, well done.



....

Happy Friday

So nice. A long 3-day weekend is ahead, the sun is starting to come out and the Giants haven’t lost a single game yet this season. This is one of those days though. Jericho has mumbled all of 5 words to me. Something about 'so busy', 'work is crazy', 'i'm a grown up now', 'blah blah'. Whatever. Asshole. So enjoy the photo above, and here are 5 thoughts/links/things to leave you with before this glorious weekend begins:

1. Eddie Vedder just announced a very small west coast solo tour. He’s calling it his April Fool’s tour. Rumor has him playing at Zellerbach Hall in Berkeley. Sweet. Tickets will be impossible to get but damn that sounds pretty nice.

2. I have a drinking chess set that I have yet to take out of its box. Anyone out there want to play? Basically, the chess pieces are all shot glasses, you fill them up, and everytime a piece is captured you have to take a shot. I’m thinking this could be a good way to celebrate President’s Day Monday…any takers?

3. The Falcons just unloaded a mess of players including Alge Crumplerstilsken (I won' t stop calling him this until Chris Berman officially adopts it on air...Michael are you still spreading the word?) and Byron Leftwich. Thoughts on where Leftwich is going next season? My money is on the Niners, Redskins or Bears. Sad when a QB falls off so quickly like Leftwich has. Kinda like what happened to Culpepper.

4. And…Happy Anniversary!…It was just 16 years ago today that Jeffery Dahmer was sentenced to fifteen consecutive life terms for the murder of fifteen people. Here’s to you Jeff. I hope you’re spending your days in hell rotting uncomfortably.

5. MTV has just announced it will be hosting the first ever Real World Awards Bash on March 29^th. And you, the faithful viewers at home, have the opportunity to vote. Personally, I think the categories are kinda weak. They should be structured like in High School, with the ‘most likely to’ format. Like, most likely to succeed, most likely to wind up 50 years old and still competing on the Gauntlet. Most likely to marry an NBA player. Most likely to appear in an informercial. Most likely to develop a nasty methamphetamine addiction. And so on. And so forth.

It's just one of those days...

Hard to put a finger on it really. I think Monica said it best. "It's just one of those days/that a girl goes through/It's just one of those days/when I wanna be all alone." Yeah, I just went there.

Get the fuck out:

1. Chris Webber

2. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson

3. Boston Sports

4. Johnny Bananas

5. Randy Jackson...Can you dig it?

Come on in, the water's great:

1. Christina Aguilera and her gigantic MILF tits

2. Monta Ellis

3. Frances Bean Cobain

4. Brian McNamee saving needles and vials of Clemens' blood...for a rainy day. 

5. Joe Crede

Five predictions for Vegas this weekend:

1. I blow all my money waiting for the 2 to hit in Roulette

2. The strippers are more interested in my wife than with me

3. AFC beats the NFC by at least 10 

2. Stanford covers against Oregon State at home Saturday

2. Jags have 15-1 odds to win it all next season. Interesting.

Links: Chicks, Clemens and Batman!

Trailer of the new Batman movie Dark Knight!
Click it...come on, click it

http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/
Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. My score was 22. Little fuckers….
(thanks KK)

Eminem’s mom has a book out.
Who’s actually going to buy this? Some diehard fans maybe and the kind of people who visit Crack Whore Confessions (as seen on TV.)

Rolling Stone’s coverage of Led Zepplin’s performance earlier this week:
Rumors are swirling they’ll headline Coachella in May. My bags are already packed.

How bad are the Niners?
My friend has an extra ticket to the game tomorrow and NOBODY wants it. What? It’s Shaun Hill’s first NFL start…history will be made. Most likely in his pants mid-way through the 1^stquarter.

"He is really, really concerned and upset that he has been named in this report," – Roger Clemen’s lawyer. Are you kidding me? You fat fuck. You fucking cheater. My two cents on the Mitchell Report? It exonerates Barry Bonds without question. Everyone was doing it. He had no choice but to play along and he still demolished the HR record…that’s what we call a FACIAL!

Wait. Is Emma Roberts hot?
Is she too young to be having this conversation yet? Can we get a price check please?

Mischa Barton in Maxim:
Whatever.

The Girls Next Door in OK!
I like the lesbian looking one. Always have.

Apples and Moustaches - by Magglio and Jericho

Apple:
I just signed a going away card to one of our interns:
“Just remember, work is like prison, kick someone's ass on the first day and you'll be fine.”

Moustache:
Remember that Seinfeld episode when Kramer is taking karate but it turns out that he’s in a class of eight-year-olds? That’s exactly how I feel about Colt Brennan winning the Heisman.

Apple
Have you heard about the new Australian rock band where all the guys met at an obsessive-compulsive support group? Their name: OCDC

Moustache
Rumors are swirling that the Giants are interested in Hideki Matsui for their outfield. When I asked a friend his opinion he thought it was a good idea but then wanted confirmation on what Matsui’s entrance music for each at-bat would be. Great question, this should always be a factor in the decision making process.

Apple
Things I realized at 1am last night:

• If SportsCenter is on at a bar, and I haven’t seen it yet, it’s going to be very difficult to pay attention to anything else.

• When did insulting chicks become the way to get in their pants? I was out with my wife and a couple of her friends…all gorgeous chicks. You should have seen the game these guys came with. One guy told a girl she had split ends. Another told a girl his mother had sexier ‘fuck me boots’ then the ones she was wearing. Five bucks says those guys ended their night with a squeezer and a hot pocket.

• Despite everything you know about hygiene, peanuts at a bar are mighty tasty.

• Drunk text messaging isn’t only stupid, it’s irresponsible.

• A 3 dollar tip on 4 drinks purchased is acceptable if more than one of the drinks is a bottle of beer. (I need Burt Reynolds, Steve Austin and that little Mexican dude from Boogie Nights to yell ‘Man Law’ in unison now to complete the thought.)

Moustache:
Something we too often forget…Garrison Hearst had immaculate skin.

Two Apples and a Moustache for a Friday afternoon

Apple:
This Tuesday and Wednesday was possibly the worst days of the sports year. Now, I can’t remember as far back as April and May, but I'm sure this past Tuesday and Wednesday was as bad as it gets. No sports. Nothing. No baseball, no football (college or pro). Not even an Arena League or CFL game. It was a tough couple of days. Conversations around the water cooler were awkward. Jericho and I had to talk about our feelings with each other. And worst of all it gave us pause to realize we’re already 6 weeks into the football season. It’s almost November which means it’s almost January which means football is almost over. Damn it. Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?

Moustache:
Note to self; don’t try to pick up a TV show in its second season if the entire premise is about character building, secret powers and a wayward Asian-man. I’ve started to watch Heroes this season and I am completely confused. Without a doubt I needed to watch the first season to learn the back story, to figure out who these people are and who they’re all hiding from. Why aren’t they kicking more ass instead of just being paranoid all the time?

Second note to self for this TV season; Only add one show a season. I already watch The Office and 30 Rock, so one more show is about all I can handle. This season, I’m attempting to add Heroes, Bionic Woman and Dirty, Sexy, Money. Yes, I know. You don’t have to say it…but have you seen that chick put the smack down with her bionic arm? (Side note: I can’t get over the fact that Dr. Burke is on this show. Every time he comes on the screen I yell out lines like “Do you think she needs Dr. Burke to do an emergency triple bypass?” or “What does Dr. Burke know about hand-to-hand combat?” or “Does she know Dr. Burke hates gay people?”)

My secret TV obsession this season? America’s most smartest model.

Apple:
I saw Natalie Portman earlier this week. I was just walking down the street on my way to work and I walked right by her. She had on a hooded sweatshirt and was engaged in a conversation with some dude. She was exactly as cute as you’d expect her to be.

Every guy had the same question when I told them I ran into her “was she hot?” Every girl had the same question “was she tiny?” I answered both in the same way. “Yes” and “No, she was about 5’6”, normal size.” Only later did my wife inform me that the question girls were actually asking was “did she look super skinny?” I don’t know. Don’t ask me questions like that.