tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22128436518254241182024-02-21T00:54:44.684-08:00Apples & MoustachesBecause nothing says "What the fuck?" Like an apple with a moustache.Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.comBlogger527125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-23416025739673028892013-02-13T10:22:00.000-08:002013-02-13T10:22:42.407-08:00A real peach<br />
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By Magglio<br />
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There is nothing more unattractive then when a woman bitches
about her boyfriend/husband behind his back. Some chick at my office is just
lambasting her husband….”he never gets me flowers”…”he’s so unromantic”…”all he
can cook is a grill cheese sandwich”. </div>
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First of all, I’m sure this chick is a real fucking peach at
home. Secondly, you’re the dumbass who married this guy. The more you slam him
the more it makes you look like a fool. And lastly, what does it say about your
relationship that you’ll just openly rip your partner to a bunch of complete
strangers when the guy isn’t even here to defend himself.</div>
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I shared this thought with Jericho. His response:</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Great point. I feel the same way about dudes who
complain about their wives. Unless it's funny.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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III</div>
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<br /></div>
Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-63498632484590421362013-02-05T15:28:00.000-08:002013-02-05T15:28:59.359-08:00Super Weak.<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Got a text from Scrot today. It said “There are millions of
fans in pain from the 49er game who are looking to A&M for answers.” Not
sure I have any answers. Or can say anything to help. But at the very least I
can muster the strength to type a few thoughts on a fucking brutal Super Bowl.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Ten thoughts on a “fist in the ass” Super Bowl Sunday:</span></div>
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</span><ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Niners lost the coin toss. Niners lost the first play
of the game. Niners lost the first play of the second half. Niners lost the
referee battle. Niners lost average starting field position and time of possession.
And still had a chance to take the lead with 2 minutes left in the game. This
must be what it feels like to get a fist in the ass. <span style="mso-list: Ignore;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Phil Simms’ suggestion that the Niners go with Alex
Smith in the second half instead of Colin Kaepernick should be grounds for
being fired. What the fuck is he thinking? The Niners aren’t coming back from
down 22 with Alex Smith. The Niners aren’t coming back down 17-0 to Atlanta on
the road with Alex Smith. Alex Smith is an excellent game manager. But he’s not
leading comebacks and making the ordinary look superhuman. Which leads us to….</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>Colin Kaepernick is the real fucking deal. He threw
passes on a frozen rope. He made pass rushers look silly with one simple side
step. He was the quickest guy on the field. Without question. This is Colin
Kapernick after only after 10 games. Imagine what he looks like after a few
seasons under his belt. Kaep be nimble. Kaep be quick. You’ve been warned.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The Niners had more raw talent. At almost every
position. But when it came to playing like a team they got their fucking lunch
handed to them by Baltimore. We always knew Baltimore played like a team. But
watching the Niners operate without any cohesion whatsoever may be the most
surprising storyline of the entire game.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I was watching the game with some friends from Seattle.
Afterwards they were having a hard time understanding why I was so disappointed.
The best I could do was explain the parade that was supposed to happen. Today.
Downtown. With red and gold ticker tape and a million people and the Giants
driving the players in convertibles (like the Niners did for the Giants just a
few months ago). That is the moment I wanted more than anything. I hope my
Seattle friends get to experience this someday. And then they’ll know why I was
so disappointed. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A$AP Rocky and Frank Ocean are two dudes I cannot
listen to enough. Both sound current. That’s the best way I can describe their
respective sounds. By the way this has nothing to do with the Super Bowl. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>There is no better Super Bowl food than Nachos. This
isn’t even a debate. They check off every single major requirement for game day
food. Unhealthy. Contains Cheese. Easy to eat in massive quantities. Quick to
make. Able to feed multiple people at one time. Will cause heartburn. I dare
you to name a more complete food for the Super Bowl.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I didn’t watch a single second of the half-time show. I
was making Nachos.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Karma. Chris Culliver says he doesn’t like gay people.
They need to stay far away from the Niners locker room. And then what happens?
He gets fucked in the ass on national TV by a group of long dick wide receivers
in purple. Karma. Never question Karma again.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You
know who really benefitted from all this Harbaugh hype? Tom Crean. Two weeks of
hype about your famous brother in-laws, then winning a nationally televised
game the night before to regain the number 1 ranking, then standing on the
sidelines to console and celebrate. You think the Oregon State coach has pull
walking into a recruit’s living room as brother-in-law to Obama? Shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That dude has nothing on Tom Crean.</span></li>
</ol>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">That game hurt. Real bad.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">III </span><br />
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Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-6999330823695924802013-01-18T15:54:00.000-08:002013-01-18T15:58:24.771-08:00Like clockwork.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Every
year, without fail, it happens. Some dude on Facebook posts something along the
lines of “When is football going to be over? Sheesh.” That guy is a gigantic
pussy. FYI.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">III </span></div>
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<br /></div>
Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-19160069665129047852013-01-17T16:16:00.001-08:002013-01-17T16:16:10.668-08:00Three thoughts on the Fiscal Cliff<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">By Jericho...</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1.<span style="font-size: 7.0pt;"> </span>The word “cliff” is fantastic and I
think we should use it to describe everyday problems. Right now I’m facing a
hunger cliff. In a few hours, I’ll be at a Racer 5 cliff. Two days ago I almost
fell off a pussy cliff. This has potential.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2.<span style="font-size: 7.0pt;"> </span>Regardless of how you feel about
John Boehner, I think we can all agree that there’s nothing better than John
Boehner press conferences. What an awesome fucking display of dickness. Can you
imagine what this dude’s like at home? “John, will you bring me that basket?”
“Ha. Nice try, human wife. Next question.” </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">3.<span style="font-size: 7.0pt;"> </span>This is probably a stupid question,
but why aren’t we voting on what to do about the fiscal cliff? I know what
you’re saying; we elect these officials to speak for us. Well, if that’s true,
and if a majority of the country just re-elected Obama because he proposed
certain tactics yet those same tactics are being blocked by the legislature,
then why the fuck do we vote in the first place? Didn’t the country just tell
the government what it wanted and the government is responding by waving a
middle finger at us? Am I wrong here, human readers?</span></div>
Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-8685784041723004112013-01-10T16:16:00.001-08:002013-01-10T16:17:15.096-08:00How's it going?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglOIbIDKdGsNwVT0zEQdMEFpS-c8uZzsxE4dXzuNFoIF3cwogMVq6W7kur70bMWwRtW6io6OLsKHMO0sBgb2rdfGd2ZLoZzLSqog9rezn5Nu22Hbb8pJ-GBqBaGFfb2c_4dsrsLsmaM-Y6/s1600/jen-lawrence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglOIbIDKdGsNwVT0zEQdMEFpS-c8uZzsxE4dXzuNFoIF3cwogMVq6W7kur70bMWwRtW6io6OLsKHMO0sBgb2rdfGd2ZLoZzLSqog9rezn5Nu22Hbb8pJ-GBqBaGFfb2c_4dsrsLsmaM-Y6/s400/jen-lawrence.jpg" width="276" /></a></div>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">By Magglio</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">At
work, when making casual conversation in hallways, you will receive one of
three responses when asking the question ‘how's it going’? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Let me
translate what the responder actually means. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">“<b>It’s
good”</b> -<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I could care less about this
place. I’ve been on Facebook and Gchat for about 5 hours straight. Now please
get out of my way so I can eat some of Leslie’s pound cake she left in the
kitchen before those fatties in IT get their sausage fingers all over it.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>“BUSY!”</b>
– “I want you to think I work REALLY hard. Yes, I stay at work until 8pm every
single day and totally neglect my family/personal time because I believe it
gives the perception that I work REALLY hard and am REALLY important. But in
actuality I’m terribly inefficient and not really smart cause if I was I could
get my work done much quicker and do a blog post on the side all within an 8
hour day.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>“It’s
ok”</b> –“Please ask me what’s wrong. I need some positive male attention in my
life. I’ve thrown in the towel on my New Year’s resolutions already. My
boyfriend/husband told me I’m getting fat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And I’ve just housed some Chipotle alone at my desk while reading TMZ
and saying things like ‘that’s too skinny’ to nobody in particular.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">III </span></div>
Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-83142033018879439532013-01-08T13:35:00.004-08:002013-01-08T13:37:36.783-08:00Don't be a Pussy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJMdT9MtCcBycY0jKIbVOVnnlQrg0wINDyGk-wYrJv2n31lu2o2_4GbILOlILM-VevtyMsBu3XSL-PVxXvQpVaOcVM-oXwiNMi120X3bk1PaKK7wnjLdfKNHGKRSvkvy2GNDipiXIT-ny3/s1600/katherine-webb-aj-mccarron-girlfriend-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJMdT9MtCcBycY0jKIbVOVnnlQrg0wINDyGk-wYrJv2n31lu2o2_4GbILOlILM-VevtyMsBu3XSL-PVxXvQpVaOcVM-oXwiNMi120X3bk1PaKK7wnjLdfKNHGKRSvkvy2GNDipiXIT-ny3/s400/katherine-webb-aj-mccarron-girlfriend-3.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">by Jericho</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Giving
someone parental advice is basically like giving them sex advice. When someone
walks up to you at fucking Trader Joe’s or some place and says something like,
“Oooh, a cookie at 3pm. Aren’t you brave! I’d never give any of my kids sweets
between meals” it’s basically like walking up to a couple, eyeing the chick
from head to toe, turning to the dude and pronouncing, “you ever try fucking
her from behind with one leg in the air and one leg on the bed? With a frame
like that you should really be getting some cirque du soleil pussy.” No one on
earth would ever do the latter, so don’t do the former. That’s a long
take-this-shit-with-a-grain-<wbr></wbr>of-salt preface for this: I’m raising a boy
and I really think raising a boy comes down to teaching him four things: 1. Be
kind. 2. Be gracious. 3. Don’t be a pussy. 4. Don’t be a dick. If my kid does
those four things in life, then I feel like I’ve done my job. And by the way, I
mean you really should fuck her from behind with one leg in the air and one leg
on the bed – that’s just common sense. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-90928343568339731102012-05-30T15:42:00.004-07:002012-05-30T15:42:50.059-07:00Announcement<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzdF3fBkbQtlWSYXJzsG3evewoUTqi4ZU5HkBN7rqK0VLJbsMuDOkEa94D-4B0b1gSvhKi8I4O43WQkCO55hmmaOqv4TuXPgwI4aZVhE3EKInqyNYFFtpk2Ym4SG3BN-F_6PTGJp5XgTFE/s1600/magglio-ordonez-retirement-2012-detroit-tigers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzdF3fBkbQtlWSYXJzsG3evewoUTqi4ZU5HkBN7rqK0VLJbsMuDOkEa94D-4B0b1gSvhKi8I4O43WQkCO55hmmaOqv4TuXPgwI4aZVhE3EKInqyNYFFtpk2Ym4SG3BN-F_6PTGJp5XgTFE/s320/magglio-ordonez-retirement-2012-detroit-tigers.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today Magglio Ordonez of the Detroit Tigers announced his
retirement. My brother sent me the link and asked if I too should announce my retirement
from A&M. What a terrible thought. But totally valid based on our lack of
posting. What the hell happened to us? Life happened I guess. We both had kids.
We both got deeper into our careers. Ultimately we’ve had less time to dedicate
to just shooting the shit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What a depressing thought.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jericho and I still talk every day. I guess we sorta use our
Facebook status updates as one off A&M’s. Again, what a depressing thought.
Just wasting our witticisms on fat relatives, former neighbors and that one
chick that gave us a hummer in college and now has 4 kids. Yikes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, I’m announcing today that we’re NOT retiring. We’re
still living the dream. The dream that one day we’ll be asked to write full
time. To quit our jobs and do this for a living. The dream that Bill Simmons
will ask us to join Grantland and we’ll show up to their lavish offices and be
asked to join the brainstorms and when it gets to us we’ll talk about fisting
or peeing on bitches and then immediately be shown the door. Yes. That’s the
dream.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hey, Jericho, let’s get on it buddy. We got a room full of
pretentious writers to offend. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
III </div>Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-61499694017070564782012-04-04T09:17:00.000-07:002012-04-04T09:18:07.811-07:00Ain't that a bitch<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYCjKjgyyJF5heRieUwxOFRqUsMFIjgV5cIgvOCzs9oWVhlvozkGwEVewKzF-lIzIOf_cM7pxMcQrsa5NgzOnkTxKXDYTw3mjkdAbyTveoJBvZR3bOy2Rb6bU4j8k0mlA39gowjyFyxGx7/s1600/scarlettjohansson51.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 261px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYCjKjgyyJF5heRieUwxOFRqUsMFIjgV5cIgvOCzs9oWVhlvozkGwEVewKzF-lIzIOf_cM7pxMcQrsa5NgzOnkTxKXDYTw3mjkdAbyTveoJBvZR3bOy2Rb6bU4j8k0mlA39gowjyFyxGx7/s400/scarlettjohansson51.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727580563115334946" border="0" /></a><br /><br />by Jericho<br /><br />I work with a mega bitch. Everyone works with a mega bitch but this<br />bitch is the mega bitch of all bitches. This bitch is fucking<br />mythological. She does shit that would make Zeus say, “shit, that’s<br />fucked. I turned into a swan and raped a bitch once and even I<br />wouldn’t even do half the shit that bitch does.”<br /><br />The following exchange actually happened on the phone a few days ago:<br /><br />Me: do you mind if I segue into another topic while I have you?<br /><br />Her: that’s fine. But just so were clear, you don’t have me, I have you.<br /><br />What? What the fuck does that even mean? That’s the kind of shit that<br />makes you look around your office for a hidden camera. Fucking<br />congrats, you’re cunt of the year! Hurrah! Hooray! Where should we<br />send your trophy, which by the way is a beaten old vagina with a<br />fucking trident shooting out of it? Should we mail it, or just leave<br />it outside of the orphanage and the next time you come to feed you can<br />just pick it up?<br /><br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-62339570459990311992011-10-03T17:13:00.000-07:002011-10-03T17:15:37.451-07:00Bearded Hatchet Wound<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8fAATHZrptFBaY6EVyVIVfSVtqsS7nQtvi0csj_Ccjy8n3u2HX1px_c3Zjv9vksA9MZL8a351imsDOWzvbxllmEibKIMCoDfA6_GtZbVqrFucxmPohu1c6KE49Y1P8rWFp06Ak9fV6Awh/s1600/esq-whitney-cummings-052011-lg.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 340px; height: 453px;" 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0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">By Magglio and Jericho<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">The Raiders should give the ball to McFadden 50 times a game. White safeties are not as cool as white running backs but are infinitely cooler than white wide receivers. Carolina is to backdoor covers as a Kardashian is to endorsing a product. Automatic. <br /></p><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />You know Apple's tagline: if you don't have an iPhone…well, you don't have an iPhone. Let me just say this: if you're standing in line at an Apple store right now…well, you're standing in line at an Apple store right now. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />Fine, I'll be the one to say what we're all thinking: Casey Anthony and Amanda Knox should star in a porn called Bearded Hatchet Wound. Why would it be called that? Why wouldn't it be called that? <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />If there was a button to push, so every time a preview for Whitney came on, it caused her to immediately stop talking, start stripping and for the boyfriend character to magically disappear never to be seen again. Then I would definitely push that button. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />Want to know the one saving grace about being 0-4 in fantasy? You can see hand sanitizer on the counter. Wait, sorry, I screwed up the intro. Want to know the one saving grace about getting fingered by a high school football team? <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that, even when presented him with this miraculous opportunity, Bruno Mars wouldn't change a fucking thing about that dumb cunt's stupid fucking face. It's goddamn fucking perfection. He'll also take a fucking grenade for that bitch. But then again, he's lazy and doesn't even want to get out of his goddamn fucking bed. In other news, I think Pandora's trying to kill me. I have a Van Morrison channel and a Stevie Wonder channel, Bruno gave them both herpes. Or maybe clicking thumbs down isn't strong enough. Maybe I should round house my monitor like some fucked up Chuck Norris movie. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-67679907063612006262011-09-08T16:46:00.000-07:002011-09-08T16:48:11.789-07:00Chubby bitches love me<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0AZksdFCUzzpmvm0kpHWsO0f2AA-VrF2Q4PDl6gbAFBdiBYbd42M-y61cS-SvRYNmEyaylUN475gh_ASU6HrI-hClSXAt1Qkbgo3q8zuyWMcu7zcT_MqSjzA_4Oeg75eHNC-gGHOAzUjS/s1600/296-38.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 388px; height: 293px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0AZksdFCUzzpmvm0kpHWsO0f2AA-VrF2Q4PDl6gbAFBdiBYbd42M-y61cS-SvRYNmEyaylUN475gh_ASU6HrI-hClSXAt1Qkbgo3q8zuyWMcu7zcT_MqSjzA_4Oeg75eHNC-gGHOAzUjS/s400/296-38.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5650139404633464690" border="0" /></a>By Magglio and Jericho<br /><br /><br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple </span><br />The single greatest shirt to wear to a frat party would say, "chubby bitches love me." That would be a massive success on all levels. These are the things you think of when you're baby is screaming at 3am. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache </span><br />There’s Lady Gaga’s alter ego weak, there’s Justin Bieber’s wardrobe weak, then there’s Kris Humphries weak. I mean this dude has entered an entirely new realm of pussydom. Sure, he’s putting it to Kim Kardashian but at what cost? Every minute of their silly relationship is in front of cameras and even worse there’s a picture of her feeding him an apple in this month’s US Weekly. An apple. Seriously. She’s feeding him. Remember when cameras caught Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod? At least he’s A-Rod. Who the fuck is this guy? <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple </span><br />I’m addicted to reading the comments on cnn.com stories even though they are written by the dumbest humans on the planet. If anything, the comments are predictable. There’s always the bible thumper, the bigot, the sarcastic guy, the over sharer and the spell checker. You can get lost in the comments section. Be careful. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span> <br />You know who's an underrated douche? Jim Irsay, the owner of the Colts. Spend three minutes scrolling down his Twitter feed, you'll be amazed that a guy worth a billion dollars can be such a fuck knuckle. Look at the picture, look at the diction in his Tweets, then think about how much money this guy has. Anyone else want to stab themselves in the forehead? http://twitter.com/#!/jimirsay<br /> <br />Apple <br />Craziest spread this week: Niners -5.5 vs. Seattle <br />Easiest spread this week: Atlanta -3 at Chicago <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache </span><br />Do you think at family get togethers Lamar Odom pretends to not know who Kris Humphries is? Do you think Lamar shines up his rings and then makes Humphries carry his bags? Do you think in 2 seasons when Humphries is out of a job and Kim dumps him he’ll ask for the tiara she wore during the wedding in the settlement. Pussy. <br /><br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-51531826517002606792011-08-09T15:09:00.000-07:002011-08-09T15:17:23.989-07:00At 25...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgwwYHLijxxlCk_L5QjQbBawOwF93phA00_VW5ozSLKN5aQbt9PUyA4PfvmRcSzbEga0eQYlbfT1dgW864wKndbE3U-V1mbzWMT2k7hYjGaJJFwI9VnQbfiFK1S_sIlhImWI70nepUcRHi/s1600/0807-blake-lively-teen-choice-38-480x720.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 307px; height: 460px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgwwYHLijxxlCk_L5QjQbBawOwF93phA00_VW5ozSLKN5aQbt9PUyA4PfvmRcSzbEga0eQYlbfT1dgW864wKndbE3U-V1mbzWMT2k7hYjGaJJFwI9VnQbfiFK1S_sIlhImWI70nepUcRHi/s400/0807-blake-lively-teen-choice-38-480x720.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5638982525487131522" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdMLn66SfhUrviaVPbriWKSn6-luS3GAxVjv4cTXjxfAGJnAEZHtr0YlU0TrqJd7PuGNWPA5p66Jn80w3-RBCh_o6mHJHH8DvWAouo1czo9xkDOBlc7dbmeSoIk7ewIEzzunHYpEAwlB8G/s1600/01-480x720.jpg">
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<br /> By Magglio and Jericho...
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<br />At 25 I was only interesting in nailing the ditzy blonde. Today I just ask my wife to role play the ditzy blonde. Like Luda said "we want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed."
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<br />At 25 my wardrobe consisted largely of Snoop Dogg Clothing and Wu-Wear. Today it’s more about button down shirts and form fitting jeans. Don’t think I lost my street edge though. I’ll still blast a muthafucka.
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<br />At 25 I jerked off at least twice a day. Today, well, I still jerk off at least twice a day. I just have someone to help me out.
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<br />At 25 I used to smoke weed and do stuff. Clean my apartment; pay bills; grocery shop; go to the gym; organize my closet. Today if i get high I can barely perform my basic functions as a mammal. "I don't want to breathe right now, too fucking tired."
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<br />At 25 I started Rudi Johnson and LaMont Jordan at running back for my fantasy team. This year I’m hoping to start Jamal Charles and Ryan Williams.
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<br />At 25 I thought Jack White was a prophet sent from above. Today, I’m even more certain of his immortality.
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<br />At 25 I ate at Taco Bell on average 3 times a week. Today, I can’t remember the last time I went to a Taco Bell. I’m assuming their sales have plummeted since I opted out of their Grade D meat.
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<br />At 25 I took orders. Today I give them. Booyah.
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<br />At 25 I drank Captain Morgan’s with Diet Coke. Today I drink High West on the rocks.
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<br />At 25 I wondered if the Giants would ever win it all. Today I wonder if I’ll ever stop smiling/bragging/dancing/shit talking after last season’s incredible run.
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<br />At 25...I liked a finger in the butt. Not in a gay way, in a "I heard this makes blow jobs even more awesome" way. And it did. For a while. Eventually though, you have that moment when you realize, "Jesus Christ, there's a finger in my butt right now.” Sure, it's kinda awesome, but there's a fucking finger in my butt." 25 years old. What a place. Anyway, I like three fingers in there now.
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<br />III
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<br />Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-17999643661049797232011-08-01T09:48:00.000-07:002011-08-01T09:49:41.044-07:00Hooked on Pussy Phonics<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBhfZMD-qedzjgR18BIPu8X4alQdxLuA7Qlzop0Z1mJ7didYCVPB3bUaDJu1bb-YU0VtiG7Hk5uvnIV3fGKzcBZIEPD_yDrvSSCVYM7jJoZ7NeZZbl6T9gJWmIZcsn057DTiVweSokJzvL/s1600/klaxons-cat-astronaut-album.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBhfZMD-qedzjgR18BIPu8X4alQdxLuA7Qlzop0Z1mJ7didYCVPB3bUaDJu1bb-YU0VtiG7Hk5uvnIV3fGKzcBZIEPD_yDrvSSCVYM7jJoZ7NeZZbl6T9gJWmIZcsn057DTiVweSokJzvL/s400/klaxons-cat-astronaut-album.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5635930706909444226" border="0" /></a><br 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/>By Jericho -<br /><br />Do you ever stop and think about how many pussies there are in the world? There are more than 3.4 billion women on the planet, that's a big fucking plate of pussy. How much does a pussy weigh? 2 pounds? 5 pounds? There could be as much as 17 billion pounds of fucking pussy on this planet! That's incredible! How big is a pussy? 3 inches tall by an inch wide? Is that even the right measurement? Do doctors measure pussy circumference? Pussy diameter? Does Pi factor into Cherry Pie? How am I supposed to think of measurement terms to keep this joke going when there are 10 billion fucking inches of pussy out there? Do you realize that if you stacked every pussy on top of each other, you'd have enough pussy to get to the moon and back! Space Pussy! One small step - Space Pussy! How are we supposed to just work, and walk, and eat - Space Pussy!<br /><br />I know this is futile, but let's take a step back from the pussy population and think about a few other things that make life on this planet fucking awesome. Here's a few from my list: the NFL, the Box Office and the Kindle. I fucking love all three of these things. <br /><br />What's more amazing: that Peyton and Brady have already thrown for a combined 89,572 yards or the fact that their yardage total is the equivalent of more than 1 million pussies? How much better did the Peyton v. Brady debate just get? Great game from Brady today: 24/33, 4,208 pussies and three touchdowns.<br /><br />The Harry Potter franchise just passed Star Wars as the most lucrative franchise in history with more than $7.3 billion in worldwide gross. $7.3 billion fucking dollars! That means there twice as many ducats in Harry Potter's vault than pussies on earth. That's an unworldly dollar to pussy ratio. <br /><br />Do you realize that if every pussy on the planet had the power of speech, and we assigned one word per pussy, those pussies could read War and Peace 62,000 times? That's some literary fucking pussy! I tried to read War and Peace once. I lasted for about 12 pages. Fucking Russian literature; long meandering sentences, desolate atmospheres, bad sausages around a dwindling fire. Fuck that noise. But you take that bleak fucking depressing bullshit and have it coming out of a pussy? Sign me the fuck up. Hooked on pussy phonics. <br /><br />Fucking amazing isn't it? All these goddamn pussies. If you created an infographic charting all of these pussy facts then you'd be a gigantic fucking dildo because infographics are for cunts and fucktards. Look! This is what the Internet really looks like! This is what the tip of my dick really looks like. Here's an idea, all the cunts and fucktards that spend hours making dumb infographics about shoe sizes getting smaller and vegetable oil - Space Pussy! <br /><br /><br /><br />III<br /><p class="MsoNormal"></p>Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-34011465702540621402011-07-18T17:02:00.001-07:002011-07-18T17:05:07.711-07:00Damn you's a sexy fish<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0XZUKBb9wGFsWQ2vGNuLkcJqDoziBWRctglGpSsBPB0dCgWXMDOKMUGQjL_WVQm-F-oL-D5lMEbRnw-MYBNi4NsayZ1AKXMRcJdSzGSG2YuxBhxpAZenRLV9wUGptjJSs8VB73_-oGY79/s1600/47364de87a9aba2a4.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 318px; height: 477px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0XZUKBb9wGFsWQ2vGNuLkcJqDoziBWRctglGpSsBPB0dCgWXMDOKMUGQjL_WVQm-F-oL-D5lMEbRnw-MYBNi4NsayZ1AKXMRcJdSzGSG2YuxBhxpAZenRLV9wUGptjJSs8VB73_-oGY79/s400/47364de87a9aba2a4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5630847054064004306" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />Netflix loves me. They make a killing from people like me. I’ve had ‘Into the Wild’ for 3 weeks now. Just sitting next to the TV like the fat girl at the bunny ranch hoping someone picks her for the evening. I’ll probably send it back. It says it’s 2 and a half hours long, I’ve already read the book, and I don’t think I can watch Emile Hersch’s stupid face for that long. Plus watching movies about anorexia just makes me hungry. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />The cover of Details magazine this month has a picture of Shia LaBeouf with the headline ‘Hollywood’s Last Bad Boy’. I’ve tried to finish this sentence 10 times with a joke. But nothing worked. Finally Jericho pointed out that the first sentence is the joke. So there you have it. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />I want Laurel and CT to procreate. If only so that they create a super RR/RW Challenge baby. They could name it Aldon Rachel Lavin. Somewhere a mad scientist is focused solely on creating a super RW/RR competitor. I can’t see how this isn’t possible.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />One of my favorite jokes is doing the scissor motion when talking about two chicks. It’s just perfect. It beats the jerk off motion when you don’t care. And it narrowly beats the two handed underhand cup and lift at the chest motion. What it doesn’t beat is the two handed, make a V with your fingers and connect with a friend doing the same…then peep through the hole. You know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t then please stop reading this blog. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />Remember this? Respect.<br /><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Jf919j6fJhY" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" width="425"></iframe> <br /><br /><br /><br />Oh yeah, follow us on <span style="font-weight: bold;">Twitter @rickreilyisgay</span>. We don’t do much. But it’ll make us feel cool if you follow us.<br /><p class="MsoNormal"></p><br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-43837016867466382262011-07-15T09:42:00.000-07:002011-07-15T09:45:54.141-07:00The Franchise on Showtime<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJFVv36RKSRxN_79CgdUb03L84gd20M9NXjiVsInbhPh7_hyDqvweqczBER9m9tKS7m9R0Yk1TMXkLDdOM57GIv6JYCq_0SH4FfpV_R6wN1fM-xs-oOT5zJbdHjAykyK-RGpji9c1zY03f/s1600/Capture.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 455px; height: 273px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJFVv36RKSRxN_79CgdUb03L84gd20M9NXjiVsInbhPh7_hyDqvweqczBER9m9tKS7m9R0Yk1TMXkLDdOM57GIv6JYCq_0SH4FfpV_R6wN1fM-xs-oOT5zJbdHjAykyK-RGpji9c1zY03f/s400/Capture.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5629620792112727490" border="0" /></a><br /><p class="MsoNormal"></p>By Magglio<br /><br /><br />We get accused of being homers on this site a lot. And it’s a totally fair accusation. We love our teams. We love the west coast above and beyond all else. It’s just the way we do things. That being said, you can appreciate it when I say that the Showtime series premiere of ‘The Franchise: A season with the SF Giants’ was a complete failure. <br /><br />Where to begin? The bar has been set so high for reality sports shows. HBO has been doing the Hard Knocks series on and off for the past 10 years. And recently they’ve excelled in the 24/7 series. HBO does this better than anyone. They create meaningful stories and insightful glimpses into a world the audience knows little about. They could cover a competitive gardening league and it would be better than what I saw last night. So needless to say when Showtime announced it had partnered with the Giants for an “all access look” throughout the season I was instantly turned on. To put it in perspective I signed up for Showtime the moment I heard about the show. That was 3 months ago and I haven’t watched anything on Showtime yet. Until last night. <br /><br />Man, what a train wreck. Admittedly, they bit off more than they could chew by trying to recap the first 80 games of the season in a 60 minute time frame. But the problem is hardly any of the footage felt new or different. There were countless ‘interviews’ with players with standard cliché quotes that went nowhere. Great opportunities were missed. Every home series the Giants top brass (Bochy, Sabean, Baer and Neukom) get together to assess the current state of the team. They showed this meeting a handful of times and NOTHING important was said. I mean they all sat there like semi-interested fans wondering when the guy with the lemonades was coming around again.<br /><br />How could Showtime mess this up so badly? And when the show did try to dig deeper it missed badly. Cameras followed Jeremy Affeldt driving home. Packing for a road trip. Eating a ham and cheese. It was painful. And so disappointing. The show missed another huge opportunity with Buster Posey. The parts about him were basically him sitting on a couch with a big cast on his leg talking about how it’s hard to not be out there and playing with the guys. There was no depth. No storylines. No nothing. <br /><br />HBO reality sports shows have exceled because the viewer walks away feeling like they learned something; either about the team, about the players, about the sport…hell even about themselves. But nothing came of last night’s show.<br /><br />The highlight was of course Brian Wilson. They easily could make this entire show about Brian Wilson. Well, that and Matt Cain’s fat baby. But nothing else sticks. Show us Panda in the dugout. Show us the players working out. Show us the weird rituals they do before games. Show us that swagger that makes them a first place team despite having the worst batting average in all of MLB.<br /><br />The Giants are the most charismatic cast of characters to ever assemble on any sports team in the history of ever. And somehow Showtime made it come out tasting like tapioca pudding.<br /><br />I’m obviously watching next week.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />III<br /><p class="MsoNormal"></p>Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-19521196987915815972011-07-14T12:24:00.001-07:002011-07-14T12:24:57.748-07:00It Will Make Sense at the End<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnmHoz9ytQVIL8yuoDNqHz6Me3asET8R3edzljfRchKsNQmMgv8-p3qifNYTHf_TUOcA0Fq6fYZei0zj7MLZ18KLqnDDvIZ7y8LIcy4TdzlZGPLuEul4JX40fzRAwvcxSgC55LOCgqzsHq/s1600/golf.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 350px; height: 426px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnmHoz9ytQVIL8yuoDNqHz6Me3asET8R3edzljfRchKsNQmMgv8-p3qifNYTHf_TUOcA0Fq6fYZei0zj7MLZ18KLqnDDvIZ7y8LIcy4TdzlZGPLuEul4JX40fzRAwvcxSgC55LOCgqzsHq/s400/golf.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5629291140870777666" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />By Jericho<br /><br /><br />- I don't just love food, I honor food. More importantly, I honor the history of food. Our ancestors didn't have supermarkets, ovens, pizza delivery boys. They had farms and they had fire. I honor those traditions. That's why I grow all my own food, cook it by fire and currently have dysentery. Sure, my vegetables taste like dog piss and look like something we feed death-row inmates, but the TRADITION lives. This is how I feel about the British Open. Who fucking cares if they invented the game there, the courses look like fucking shit! The weather is miserable, the players are miserable, it's terrible TV. In a world where courses like Augusta, Pebble and Sawgrass exist, why the fuck do we play a major championship in a fucking wasteland? <br /><br /><br />- Here's something you may not know about me: when I order a coffee, or a burrito, or hail a cab or ask a concierge where the nearest bathroom is, I like to use my full name and full title. "Yeah, hi, my name is Jericho Perseus Royall, I'm the senior director of saltiness for Apples and Moustaches, I studied English because I hate studying and love weed and amazingly graduated in four years and now I have that job that I just mentioned a few words ago in this sentence right after my name and before I told you what I studied. I'd like a latte please." This is how I feel about doctors wearing their scrubs in public, basically the clothing version of talking about yourself in the third person. We all get it, asshole, you’re a fucking doctor. You went to college for 16 years, make 800k and use the word epidermis in casual conversation. You know what? FUCK YOU. Bunch of pricks. Fuck doctors. <br /><br /><br />- After doing it for roughly 31 years now, let me tell you something I've learned about walking: it's much more effective with my thumb up my butt. Sure it's a bit awkward when I'm at the park, or ordering a coffee or on the treadmill with an inch and a half of thumb in me. And yes, I do look like a donkey-humping assbag. And yeah, people give me looks that say, "is that guy a retard or a sex offender?" But on the whole, or hole rather, my movements are more fluid and more efficient. This is how I feel about dudes who wear spandex pants. Awesome, you can ride your bike 2 mph faster and you've decreased wind resistance by 13%, but everyone can see your dick, you fucking idiot. Is finishing your run in 39 minutes rather than 42 really worth a thumb up the butt?<br /><br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-89096672521015087782011-07-12T15:44:00.000-07:002011-07-12T15:46:08.835-07:00Cheers to Tuesday!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyKEQnaz7LFQFFY0G7x7XAltBuHDP4ups6eSRpN9w4zEKEOB_F9MvlraC4cIVi9i7Lzn9w1L8GXYdkTX-X6WNpUyDFiwB93x-KZOmRn7lc2OIeZAaqG-6exk0z_OxlPV0BAXRe4BcmJRNA/s1600/lagon-bleu-1980-05-g.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 460px; height: 299px;" 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0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"></p><br /><br /><br /><br />The stars have aligned. Jericho is in the city for a nerd conference and we both bartered with our wives for the time off. Plus, I’m wearing the gayest sweater possible. Yes friends, it’s time for an impromptu man date Apples and Moustaches style. Time to celebrate one another like Brooke Shields discovering sex for the first time in The Blue Lagoon. <br /><br /><br />Four fearless predictions for a random Tuesday night dinner with Magglio and Jericho: <br /><br /><br />1 – I surprise Jericho with the news that US soccer chicks Abby Wambach and Megan Rapinoe used to date. He proceeds to ask the question who would you rather scissor one out; Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman or Hope Solo and Brooklyn Decker. We debate the question for a good 20 minutes, empty our cocktails and reload.<br /> <br /><br />2 – I tell Jericho the following true story: A co-worker brought her kid to work today wearing a Dodgers hat. I shit you not. The kid must’ve been 9 years old. After telling the kid that his parents are idiots and they’ve severely misguided him in his youth we get into a spirited debate about baseball. It ends in me threatening to stuff him in the recycling can and lock him in there until his mom is ready to go home. <br /><br /><br />3 – We station ourselves in front of the TV at the bar/restaurant to watch the all-star game. We play the game “any time Joe Buck or Tim McCarver mispronounces a Latin player’s name in a hardly disguised attempt at racism” we take a drink. We have to end the game by the 2nd inning or else we won’t be standing by the 5th. <br /><br /><br />4 – Punches will be exchanged between one another. If I can get Jericho drunk enough then I stand a much better chance of dodging his haymakers. I’m man enough to admit that this is my only hope for success. <br /><br /><br />Enjoy the Palace buddy! <br /><br />III <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="st"></span></p>Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-14164476177769032402011-07-11T11:59:00.000-07:002011-07-11T12:56:43.941-07:00Wanna Smush?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN1bAIumL7BoSneX-zbsKl2aNBq4OAdO7B1VLMi-NeVZ7xEAOXm6rFEXyedX0NCnwxgqKIYbbQM96y-7GBDg3viHleU_1tkpsF7njvcxzt1Ay1ty4eaA2ckw8puobT6-nUt0alUZrPWgVP/s1600/20080510_Hope_Solo_sm_0447.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 381px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN1bAIumL7BoSneX-zbsKl2aNBq4OAdO7B1VLMi-NeVZ7xEAOXm6rFEXyedX0NCnwxgqKIYbbQM96y-7GBDg3viHleU_1tkpsF7njvcxzt1Ay1ty4eaA2ckw8puobT6-nUt0alUZrPWgVP/s400/20080510_Hope_Solo_sm_0447.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5628172183007433986" border="0" /></a><br />by Magglio and Jericho<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />I think it’s time we declare Jen Aniston the winner in the Angelina Jolie showdown. That chick looks damn sexy. I want to pour SmartWater all over her and smush her butt cheeks together. In ‘Just Go With It’ (don’t judge me) she goes toe-to-toe with Brooklyn Decker in a bikini. I think it’s fair to say she more than held her own. Skin and bones Jolie, with her weird head dresses and world peace tour? Keep it. I like my women a little scandalous, a little more girl next door, and with that banging yoga body. Holla back. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />Whenever I step out of the office I like yelling ‘hold all calls’ to our receptionist in a condescending, sexist sort of way. It makes me feel important. And harkens back to the days of chicks sleeping their way to the top. Brent, our receptionist, loves it too. I think. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />“My phone was hacked by Rubert Murdoch” is now a great excuse if your significant other catches you having inappropriate sexts with an insignificant other. I haven’t tried it out yet. I don’t need to. I only sext with myself. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />Tourists in San Francisco are always easy to spot during the summer. Look for the idiots in shorts and flip flops shivering like idiots in the 50 degree weather. Or, find the people dressed in the overpriced ‘San Francisco’ jackets with clip art graphics because they were dumb enough to wear shorts and flip flops during the Summer in San Francisco. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />I watched every second of the US Women’s World Cup game against Brazil. Incredible. 3 thoughts; 1) Those chicks don’t flop like the dudes do which makes the game so much better. 2) Hope Solo went to UW, Go Dawgs! 3) I’d totally nail the little one who looks like a highlighter. Next game is Wednesday morning at 8:30am against France. Suck it France. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />Apologies to The Green Lantern, Captain America, The Change-Up and Mr. Popper's Penguins, but the ballot for worst movie of the year officially closed when this trailer was released.<br /><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/T3tidwW1gGM" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" width="560"></iframe><br />Which is dumber: the title, the premise, the tagline (Evolution is now Revolution) or James Franco's face? It's a four-way tie right? Here's a quick test for whether your movie is going to bomb or not: does it have "of the" twice in the title? If the answer is yes, then you're movie is going to bomb. If the answer is no, but James Franco is prominently involved, the answer is still yes. Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Legend of the Fall of the Legends Who Fell. The Passion of the Christ of the Man Whose Passion was Christ-like. Lord of the Flies of the Many Flies and the Men Who Lorded Over Them. How fucking of the dumb are we?<br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-3674783228501060052011-07-07T20:56:00.000-07:002011-07-07T21:06:47.991-07:00The Voice<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxBwXOxu6P-WaTilO6ZGd-WI3SLKJ_OVtmY4xFyIHOhYI2jwcz-qi-XnYCd9A5vwiZk5kcrhHkzVQpXt-kIAANq8inyoPB_xDCnvFCsfOwWs_2CXmzfLl2WM92aP3BiZtw3vuQU1SYmZ18/s1600/chrisagui_56415.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 364px; height: 454px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxBwXOxu6P-WaTilO6ZGd-WI3SLKJ_OVtmY4xFyIHOhYI2jwcz-qi-XnYCd9A5vwiZk5kcrhHkzVQpXt-kIAANq8inyoPB_xDCnvFCsfOwWs_2CXmzfLl2WM92aP3BiZtw3vuQU1SYmZ18/s400/chrisagui_56415.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626828020678917282" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAZHl53rvPVuT_5sl9CR-0FEswKly4BSTcLcE4EgBMI6IrwNfRLFeryMe_cXj3p_5AmVMzMe83NrlBGnXtwsLLMm3jQnRz6pIBqeS2fM2UEouT2D6DAUx246oeV52q68fbXdDIRtDP-MXr/s1600/Christina_aguilera.jpg"><br /></a><br /><div><br /><br />By Jericho<br /><br /><br /></div> Four thoughts on The Voice:<br /><br />1) Adam Levine is definitely going to have an STD named after him someday. "I can barely sit down; I think that waitress from the party gave me Adam Levine." The guy is destined to be the Lou Gehrig of pubic rashes.<br /><br /><br />2) Cee Lo scares the fuck out of me. Doesn't it feel like there are two kinds of weirdos in Hollywood: the purposefully weird and the weird as fuck. Lady Gaga feels purposefully weird to me, I bet she drinks a lot of tea and watches a lot of old movies in her jammies. Same with David Bowie, Russell Brand and Prince. These people are weird, don't get me wrong, but their images are calculated extensions of their weirdness. On the other hand, people like Jon Voight, Bjork and Mickey Rourke are weird as fuck. Cee Lo humps Muppets. He uses albino alligator blood as face lotion. He still uses the phone book. If I ever saw Cee Lo walking towards me, I'd be knocking bitches over to get the fuck out of there.<br /><br /><br />3) Here's a sentence that looks completely, comically wrong but is absolutely true: between 1999 and 2001, Carson Daly could've fucked any 16-24 year old on the planet. Boy or girl. That's insane isn't it? The Carson Daly "TRL pussy/butthole run" (great fantasy football team name) has no comparison or precedent for one simple reason: he's completely talentless. Burt Reynolds in the late 70s, Eddie Murphy in the early 80s, Kevin Costner in the late 80s, Johnny Depp in the mid-90s, Derek Jeter in the early 00s and the current Justin Timberlake runs are amazing, but they are explainable, those guys are awesome. Carson Daly introduced music videos and he was the undisputed butthole/pussy champ for three straight years? I don't think we'll ever see a run like that again. Remember when Magic Johnson said "we'll see five more Michael Jordans before we see another Larry Bird?" We won't see another Carson run in our lifetime.<br /><br /><br />4) The gossip rags and celebrity sites have been destroying Xtina and rightfully so, she's so bloated that she could be used as floatation device in the case of a water landing. However, let's not forget two things: a) she's never been more attainable. The Xtina from that Maxim photo shoot with the inter tube was the Hope Diamond; you better enjoy the picture because you're not getting within 1,000 miles of the real thing. Modern day Xtina? For three Xanax, four Vicodin and a plate of chili fries you could take a dump on her face. Isn't that what it's all about? And b) if I'm Xtina's management, I take away her plate of 12 sausages and replace it with a plate of 27 sausages. Her destiny has always been to be the white Aretha, so let's keep this gravy train rolling. Literally. More gravy for that fat bitch. I've never understood why girls like Xtina, Kelly Clarkson and Adele, after her upcoming bulimia/anorexia/coke-fueled flame out, try and wiggle around and be Britney. Britney has to wiggle around and be Britney, the bitch can't sing worth a fucking shit. She sounds like an auto tuned fart. Take it to the house, XLtina! Fuck the genie, Xtina should be trying to get more barbecue sauce out of that bottle. Sit your big ass down on a big fucking chair and sing your fat fucking nuts off.<br /><br /><br />Oh and also: 5) I've never actually seen The Voice. Any good? It looks pretty fucking dumb.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />III<br /><div><p style="margin:0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Calibri;font-size:100%;"></span></p></div>Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-87694344787355340512011-07-06T13:51:00.000-07:002011-07-06T13:54:22.822-07:00We're fucked for sure<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUYtyexQu5LHbkmYEhRhr01ee_1q1pOOGJyncjsf3Lewir7jLraUV5_0zMMIdr7D6Vdnf5UUaj3DDeh8cDsKsRjvCleBlNMMvuOcgS2mTaDzmSaK3pAj63iiUMTx2RVKKpo9aMieugf6pD/s1600/INM-IM072009.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 334px; height: 480px;" 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mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> </a><p class="MsoNormal" style=""></p><br />By Magglio and Jericho<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />I got drunk this weekend and made a stupid bet. (By the way, nobody is surprised by that sentence.) I bet a dude that the NFL lockout would end today. If it does I get $500 bucks. If it doesn’t then I owe him $20. The latest from camp is that Roger Goddell is ensuring the West Coast will continue to get fucked on the MNF start time and DeMaurice Smith is having a hard time deciding which hat to wear the next time he exits a meeting. So much for progress. Pricks. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />My final tally for Sunday’s bbq: 3 bratwursts, 4 cheeseburgers and enough potato salad to make one’s eyes emit mayonnaise. Talk about feeling like an American. So much for my <a href="http://applesandmoustaches.blogspot.com/2008/01/30-day-experiment.html">vegetarian kick</a>. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />Guys it would be fun to fight: Novak Djocavek, Tom Cruise, James Spader, Justin Timberlake, Wendi Nix, Al Roker, Jimmy Fallon <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />Transformers 3 just had the 2nd biggest worldwide opening of all time – finishing the holiday weekend with over $380m combined. What the fuck is going on? In Zynga's IPO filing it was revealed that its revenue is up 319% in 2010? What the fuck is going on? The hotdog eating contest was the lead story on SportsCenter last night. What the fuck is going on? America's Got Talent was the #1 show in America last week. What THE FUCK is going on? Forget Global Warming. This is the real proof that our planet is fucked. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple</span><br />Retro things are sorta cool in a sorta cliché hipster sorta way. You know what’s not cool? Having a discman. I saw some dude at the gym yesterday carefully balancing his discman on his lap while he was lifting weights. That’s not cool. Sweatbands, now those are cool. But a discman? You’re trying too hard bro. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache</span><br />Forgot that Five Hour Energy poison; if you really want to perk yourself up at 2:30, here's what you do: Head to the bathroom, grab a stall and take your pants off. Nothing lewd (unless that's your thing), just kick off your shoes, hang your pants on the hook, take a piss with your boxers at your ankles, then step back, do a few calf raises to get the twins swinging, then right back to your day. You're gone from your desk for five minutes top and will be reenergized for the rest of the day. Trust me. It's very refreshing. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-69854919756685030942011-06-29T09:07:00.000-07:002011-06-29T09:11:26.181-07:00That's how I roll<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqdDjC77AvS2T40gRx8duzC_2j3qhz0ZKgydW4d-waKmyGXrhKGRriM4qkGVzUwnD8jumd4u2EerDKtBmajll_8pSvSzrqX7fpN5tGtdj957hDo7M5a22tDeFURza-xoQRkARmFG4ZHKPg/s1600/duct+tape+wallet.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 477px; height: 285px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqdDjC77AvS2T40gRx8duzC_2j3qhz0ZKgydW4d-waKmyGXrhKGRriM4qkGVzUwnD8jumd4u2EerDKtBmajll_8pSvSzrqX7fpN5tGtdj957hDo7M5a22tDeFURza-xoQRkARmFG4ZHKPg/s400/duct+tape+wallet.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623674747622818914" border="0" /></a><br /><br />The best $15 you can <a href="http://applesandmoustaches.blogspot.com/2011/06/go-suck-lemon.html">spend</a>.<br /><br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-9284000586522742622011-06-28T16:12:00.000-07:002011-06-28T16:15:09.377-07:00Baby Talk<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH8TkdZCH6ZH5eokpnZ6qH3qWKz_ewUyraCvUSB4UdtmpQdyO4hqJWhj_cigTAllYpUXl6F7XAZ56g58FADijRu0ZW76RU1cNVmcQps0AaJMYkAcJFqxQTOzu2ybBCtWhwK6UHSzipoXEC/s1600/AshleyHeberttopless.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 456px; height: 346px;" 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0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p><br />Nine observations from the best/worst season of The Bachelorette ever. <br /><br /><br />1 - Ashley mentions Bentley so often that the wife and I started a drinking game. We take shots every time she says his name. That game ended after about 25 minutes last night when neither of us could see straight. <br /><br /><br />2 - The group date continues to be a complete disaster. From the Thai boxing to the roast to the stupid ass dragon boat racing from last night, you can always count on the group dates being full of awkward moments, tears and homoerotic tension. <br /><br /><br />3 - I still cannot tell Ben and Constantine apart. They are the same height, have the same dumb hair and both enjoy a finger in the butt. I’m assuming <br /><br /><br />4 – Ashley is a PR nightmare for women everywhere. She is the whiniest bitch on the planet. She embodies every negative stereotype chicks have to deal with. She’s insecure, she’s clingy, she cries all the time and she baby talks. Plus she fell for the bad guy. Next thing you know she’ll start talking about how she thinks it’s ridiculous she has the right to vote. <br /><br /><br />5 – If you don’t think JP is winning it all then you’re wrong. And yes, it’s all about winning. This show is far past the fairy tale hoax they once tried to sell. Every guy there is competing for the cover of US Weekly and more random hummers than he could ever hope for. Fact. <br /><br /><br />6 – I respect Mickey for walking away last night and honestly expect something like that to happen a lot more often. It’s ridiculous to think all of these guys are actually falling for Ashley. None of these dudes would talk to her in real life. Except for Ames. I’m not sure he’s ever even seen a boob in real life. That dude has definitely tried sex with the family cat growing up. <br /><br /><br />7 – Ashley’s tits went from cute and tiny to big time fun last night. Maybe she’s starting to gain weight like Chantel did last season. <br /><br /><br />8 – Bentley (take a drink) is definitely going to be next season’s bachelor. He’s good looking, he’s a complete asshole and every chick out there thinks they have what it takes to break through his bad boy image. You don’t think ABC can see this? Hell, I can see this. <br /><br /><br />9 – Too bad Blake and Ryan can’t make an appearance on this season’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Rivals. They’d get worked by CT and Adam. But that’s another post for another time.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />III<br /><p class="MsoNormal"></p>Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-64681306194795544682011-06-27T16:47:00.000-07:002011-06-28T16:15:23.655-07:00Go suck a lemon<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcW_JCASRSQYSPtqFhf793jho6ac4-NMTmmfE4bulbU1y5yJfs783IMeyZ6E5U9FS8qWXHTu5qWvT-K9WocuiFr99bIRIuTtNnqHC0Rd0KkHJNe1mmfsDoXQXh29Zf2js9sz5RS5iAVnAE/s1600/4473DR.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 262px; height: 457px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcW_JCASRSQYSPtqFhf793jho6ac4-NMTmmfE4bulbU1y5yJfs783IMeyZ6E5U9FS8qWXHTu5qWvT-K9WocuiFr99bIRIuTtNnqHC0Rd0KkHJNe1mmfsDoXQXh29Zf2js9sz5RS5iAVnAE/s400/4473DR.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623050955944860514" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />I’m a sucker for a lemonade stand. Doesn’t matter where I’m headed or what I’m doing but I will always stop for kids at a lemonade stand. I think it stems from the many hours spent on the streets with my sister peddling soggy 3 oz. paper Dixie cups for 10 cents and never understanding why nobody took us up on the 2 for a quarter “special” we had going.<br /><br />Lemonade stands are a great way to meet the kids in the neighborhood, you know, for when they grow up to be asshole teenagers and they’re deciding which house to vandalize. I’m hoping to build some emotional currency early. Plus it’s usually a very painless process. The kids are usually so stunned that they have an actual customer you have to help them do the math for what you’ve ordered. The whole transaction is over in no time and you feel like you’ve done your good deed for the day. <br /><br />My, how things have changed. <br /><br />By the time I reached the stop sign my car was already surrounded. They swarmed the open car window like third world refugees and I was the first white person they’d ever seen. It was hard to tell who the leader was (always important to identify). At first it seemed like it was the lanky kid with the purple shirt. <br /><br />“We have lemonade and wallets,” he informed me as the others kept screaming ‘LEMONADE!’ at the top of their lungs like they’d just learned the word. <br /><br />“How much is the lemonade?” I asked. <br /><br />“Forty-five cents,” the shirtless kid with the dirt on his forehead let me know. <br /><br />This should have been my first warning. Never trust kids at a lemonade stand who have uneven prices. Make it a quarter, fifty cents or an even dollar. Because once they get tricky with the price it means things get a lot more confusing with the change. Remember this rule, always. <br /><br />“Great, I’ll have a cup of lemonade,” I said to the collection of kids now at least 10 deep. <br /><br />“DON”T YOU WANT A WALLET,” the little girl with pigtails and a rainbow on her shirt called out. (And yes, it deserves to be written in caps. At this age kids cannot control the volume of their voice.) Before I could answer the mass of tiny people moved to the folding table to grab all of the swag they were hawking. <br /><br />“I MADE THIS ONE,” a gap-toothed kid yelled through the passenger window of my car, causing me to jump in my seat. Were they multiplying? <br /><br />“Wow, pretty cool wallets,” I say in my best older guy trying to relate to kids voice. “How much are they,” I asked. <br /><br />The Asian kid with the green collared shirt calmly announces “they’re five dollars.” The other kids grew quiet and stared at him like he was David Koresh. Maybe this guy is the leader? <br /><br />I thought for a second. Five dollars is nothing. Plus the kids were all hanging on my decision like I was deciding if it was bedtime or they could play for an extra hour. <br /><br />“Sure, I’ll take a wallet too.” <br /><br />It was like I told them they were all getting puppies. The mass of children exploded. Half of them dashed immediately to the wallets. One of the kids asked me which one I wanted. Having not seen the wallets, nor quite understanding what I had just committed to, I told him I wanted the ‘coolest’ one they had.<br /><br />“HE WANTS THE COOLEST ONE,” the kid screamed as he sprinted back to the group knocking over the pigtailed girl in the process. <br /><br />As I sat waiting for my delivery I noticed a fat read head kid holding a skate board and grinning at me. It made me uncomfortable. <br /><br />“How’s business,” I asked. Making idle chatter. <br /><br />“You know,” he said with a wry smile. “It’s business.” <br /><br />The next part was a blur. One of the kids shoved a wallet made entirely out of pink duct tape in my hand while another handed me a ½ full cup of lemonade. I handed the kids a 20 and sipped my overly sweet crystal light lemonade. <br /><br />There was a look of confusion on the kid’s faces. They didn’t have change they explained to me. “UNLESS YOU WANT TO MAKE IT A TIP,” the blonde haired surfer kid told me as another shushed him, aware of the kid’s blatant forwardness. <br /><br />What was I to do? It was probably the first wallet they sold and they were all looking at me on the verge of tears aware that they may have just compromised their biggest sale of the day. It was like an old fashion duel. And I was the one who lost. <br /><br />“That’s fine. Just do the best you can,” I said, instantly regretting my decision. Like the time I handed a guy a 50 pound note in the SOHO district of London and was told to ‘wait here’ for my bag of weed. Yeah, I was never seeing that money again. <br /><br />The Asian kid handed me three dollar bills and the lanky kid with the purple shirt handed me over a fistful of coins. Everyone held their breath. This was the moment of truth. <br /><br />“Thanks guys have a good day,” I said. <br /><br />As I drove away I checked the rear view mirror. They celebrated like the Germans watching Dirk dethrone the King. <br /><br />Man, I’m a sucker for lemonade stands .<br /><br /><br /><br />III<br /><p class="MsoNormal"></p>Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-68201437262849802372011-06-22T12:46:00.000-07:002011-06-22T13:12:49.911-07:00A&M's...just like old times<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDeXRUhnQBfngX7tyFPFSwwsgAiVOhu4FGqkK_61Y4ei9lPL6itTMON7wpTy9PN0NhsGYPE7J4eaiZmFeF9r_aS4f5wogkGtSkvpn0fhj_qQfE4lkOh2_lSzY8SvHgC3E19EEvHKqXVyAH/s1600/fullsize_11.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" 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0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple </span><br />Please take my next rant with a grain of salt, because watching chicks prance around in sun dresses feels like connecting on a +310 money line. Dudes look stupid in shorts. Let’s take that a step further, if you’re a dude in warm weather you either look like a country club cocksucker or a 7th grade stoner. There is no in between. I’d much rather wear jeans and a button down then any of the options out there for 90 degree heat. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache </span><br />The two most overused words in sports journalism: shun and redemption. Free agents don't sign with teams anymore, they shun their other suitors. LeBron definitely shunned Cleveland, in fact he ass shunned them, which absolutely should've been the ESPN headline, but has anyone else deserved the shun tag in the last five years? And once the shunning starts where does it stop? Did you hear Brady shunned the treadmill for the elliptical yesterday? Or that Durant shunned his post-up game by shooting threes? Or that Jeter shunned Minka's left boob to work on the right one? Or that I shunned the term "cold-shoulder" in order to write this paragraph? <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Apple </span><br />We watched the movie ‘Babies’ last night. Man, what a stupid movie. Look, I like babies just about as much as a straight dude can, but I don’t want to watch them on screen for an hour and half. There was not plot, no story, no connection between the different babies besides looking for tits all day long. People must feel compelled to say they like the movie since it’s all about babies and who doesn’t like babies? It’s like being at the zoo and saying you didn’t think the Panda Bears look cuddly. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Moustache </span><br />One of the fundamental differences between men and women, is that women work in groups and men essentially operate alone. Women consult their friends about everything, take the average of the opinions and then present it to their boyfriend/husband as fact. "I talked to slut, cunt, dumbass, prissy face, fat wad, whiny and the chick you secretly fantasize about and we all agree that you were an asshole two weeks ago at the BBQ and should call fuck leg and apologize." How the fuck is that fact? If I ever start basing my life around what fat wad and prissy face think, take a gigantic knife and plunge it into my fucking head. As you're nodding in agreement, let me ask you this: can you fucking imagine if guys tried this tactic? "Honey, I was chatting with the dudes at the game and we all think that you should try anal. Even the bartender was appalled that we haven't tried it. He's a great guy; goes by Squirt. So you down or what?"<br /><br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-89342309723641863842011-06-21T10:49:00.000-07:002011-06-21T10:52:05.045-07:00Hot Hot City!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZZL9tGnFjoTH0mOqyGAkO1c4DFaBMXnV-SlRn3AsWoSoTv38YF1T1XCKS1SK5qHxstBgRrNcFRFzbOIPoPwHv9HUJJZT7Xhg4F-TfrQVSpPh-x4G2H28Ot8QnUaOk6tr0KE-5DhWg5Yl/s1600/fail-lebron-480x319.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZZL9tGnFjoTH0mOqyGAkO1c4DFaBMXnV-SlRn3AsWoSoTv38YF1T1XCKS1SK5qHxstBgRrNcFRFzbOIPoPwHv9HUJJZT7Xhg4F-TfrQVSpPh-x4G2H28Ot8QnUaOk6tr0KE-5DhWg5Yl/s400/fail-lebron-480x319.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5620732289695416034" border="0" /></a><br /><div id=":vs" class="ii gt"><div id=":143"><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0in 0in 10pt"><span style="font-family:Calibri;font-size:100%;"></span></p>Six Quick Thoughts About the Summer Box Office<br /><br />by Jericho<br /><br /><br />1 - Warner Brothers reportedly spent close to $400m (production + marketing) on The Green Lantern. Read that sentence again. Who the fuck thought that this was a good idea? I wouldn't see this movie if I was on fire. Speaking of how bloated and tired the superhero genre is, anyone seen the trailer for Captain America? Man, Hollywood doesn't just beat a dead horse it brings it to parties and makes its arms move like Weekend At Bernie's. "Look, the superhero genre is waterskiing! It's dancing to Fine Young Cannibals and smoking a cigar! You know what? We should approve a $400m budget for a movie about a hero that no one has heard of starring a guy that no guy likes."<br /><br /><br />2 - Poor Jim Carrey. One of the most talented actors ever – not just of his generation – EVER and he's stuck making Mr. Popper's Penguins. How did we get here? Is Jim Carrey the LeBron of movies or is it the other way around? <br /><br /><br />3 - Johnny Depp's contract for Pirates 4 included $35m up front and 10% of the global gross. At last count, the movie has made $953m, good for 11th all time and is in position to be the eighth movie to pass the $1 billion mark. Depp's payday: $130m. <br /><br /><br />4 - Speaking of Pirates, remember all of the scrutiny surrounding the first movie? Disney is doing what? A movie about a theme park with an indie actor as the lead; how could that possibly work? The end result: 4 movies, 3 of which are in the top 10 all time (#4, #9 and #10, with the original making a paltry $654m and ranking# 48), $3.6 billion in worldwide gross and that indie actor is now the most marketable actor in the world.<br /><br /><br />5 - Speaking of that indie actor, when you throw Alice in Wonderland into the mix ($1 billion gross, #6 all time), Depp has starred in 4 of the biggest 10 movies of all time. He's had 6 movies cross the $200m mark domestically, 4 cross #300m and 2 cross #400m. 8 movies have opened with $30m+, 5 have opened with $50m+ and 4 have opened with $90m+. We used to talk about Hanks, Will Smith, Eddie Murphy and Harrison Ford as the rulers of the box office, but it's Depp's throne now.<br /><br /><br />6 - I bet you $1,000 that if you went through JJ Abrams' porn collection you would find that: a) he dubs all of the voices with this own and b) he recuts every scene so they are completely out of order and confusing. Fan: "JJ, what was going on with the handjob in the middle? Whose hand was it? And why did the girl sound like you?" JJ: "There are a lot of theories, the most pervasive and maybe the one I like the best, is the idea that WE are the hand and the WORLD is the dick and balls." (Am I still bitter about the last season of Lost 14 months after it ended? You bet you're fucking ass I am.)<br /><br /><br /><br />III<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:0in 0in 10pt"><span style="font-family:Calibri;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> </div></div>Maggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2212843651825424118.post-64581685107327320012011-06-20T16:00:00.000-07:002011-06-20T16:10:53.129-07:00Seriously.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgegPEBvYJebtX39onoa8EBiIW788xTEkwBwIiuMuKo2SoNtW0rvPny0OyGUV8dA0DDczIPmu_LLjoujluoBsAapwWbIENBwH5SJ6oGFyeMLm7ZT82zf1sSNYdBX5LHN6bhcW4KKHK94iN_/s1600/seriously.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgegPEBvYJebtX39onoa8EBiIW788xTEkwBwIiuMuKo2SoNtW0rvPny0OyGUV8dA0DDczIPmu_LLjoujluoBsAapwWbIENBwH5SJ6oGFyeMLm7ZT82zf1sSNYdBX5LHN6bhcW4KKHK94iN_/s400/seriously.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5620441891435380066" border="0" /></a><br /><br /> I haven’t had caffeine in 4 months. Ok, that’s not completely true. I had a triple espresso after a ridiculous 4 hour dinner in Vegas in order to keep the party going. I also nursed a Frappuccino while I listened to an insane job offer from Starbucks to join their Frappuccino team. I thought it seemed apropos. (And no, I didn’t take the job.) But that’s it. Two times in the last four months.<br /><br />What was I thinking? <br /><br />The short of it was I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a mid-life writing crisis where I feel like everything I ever wanted to be as a writer has simply passed me by. But then I read Grantland or Wells Tower or this <a href="http://burgeranddestroy.com/">burger blog</a> and it does nothing but inspire me to get back on my horse.<br /><br />Jericho and I still talk (IM) every single day. All day long. He’s got a kid now. And I am still getting a majority of my life lessons by watching ‘My Super Sweet 16’. And at least once a week I’ll be laughing so hard at something he’s typed that it makes me miss the days of writing this blog. And I tell him. And he agrees. And then the phone rings or an email comes in or some lame meeting reminder pops up and it’s back to ground zero. <br /><br />I used to be paranoid that people would know I wrote this blog. Now I’m just paranoid that this blog will simply stop existing because we’ve stopped writing. I blame it on the lack caffeine.<br /><br /><br />IIIMaggliohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10385936667168479676noreply@blogger.com2