Vote For Pablo

We don’t ask much from you, the reader. An occasional topless photo, perhaps some feedback on a post or some help washing our under carriage. But today what we’re asking of you is hugely important. Today is the last day for voting the final player into the all-star game and Pablo Sandoval needs your help. He deserves it. He’s 22 years old, he weighs about 280lbs, has lightening quick speed, swings at everything and he’s the heart and soul of our team. Plus his nickname is Kung-Fu Panda. If that doesn’t convince you then check out his stats so far this season; .328 avg, 13 HRs, 48 RBIs.

Come on, click the big button below and Vote For Pablo. He’d vote for you.

Remember the Time

A few observations while watching MJ's funeral:

Look, I like Lionel Richie, actually, I love Lionel Richie. The man makes sweet fucking music and the “Hello” video is in my top 10 favorite things about living on Earth, but someone needs to step in and tell him to stop having plastic surgery. He looks like Kenny Rogers and not in a good way. I blame Nicole 100% for this.


I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: you do not fuck with Queen Latifah. Don’t mistake the silence in the Staples Center for admiration or reverence; that is fear, pure and simple. The Queen gives you a look that says “I’m gonna fight you, fuck you, or eat you, I just ain’t made my damned mind.”


The worst apart about celebrity funerals: you have no idea if the people are expressing genuine emotion or just auditioning for their next role. And yes, I’m talking to you, Brooke Shields.


Sure, Smokey Robinson is a legend and has a fantastic name, but when they introduce him shouldn’t they substitute “one of the founding voices of Motown” for “appearing all month at the Big River Casino.”


So Michael Jackson dies and the only white guy they invite to perform is John Mayer? This is like having a massive funeral for Tom Hanks and having Omar Epps be the only brother on stage.


Why the fuck is Jermaine Jackson singing? He’s beyond awful. They should’ve just taken a burlap sack full of spoons and shook it really hard for three minutes. Hey, Jermaine, what are you trying to do, kill him again?


The words fat, corpulent, obese, hefty, immense, plump, chubby, stubby and blubby just don’t work to describe Magic Johnson anymore. He literally is the fattest person that’s ever lived. It’s not a weight thing either, I know there’ve been heavier people, but no one in the history of the planet has been fatter. His eyes are fat. His sentences are fat. The air around him is fat. He presented with Kobe and he made him look like Lil Penny from those old Nike commercials. We have to dip way into the thesaurus to find a word that best describes him. Magic Johnson is seismic. He’s a fucking tectonic plate. If he ever collided with the San Andreas fault the entire state of California would drop into the Pacific.


Usher is singing with a “don’t you dare pass the fucking torch to Justin Timberlake” vigor right now. No one has ever wanted a torch more in the history of torches or wanting things.



JR

Wine 'em, Dine 'em, 69 'em

Sometimes, just sometimes, a story falls into your lap that can’t help but to be shared with the world. Well, world, here is one of those stories. This was sent to me and Jericho earlier today from a good friend of ours who is in our fantasy football league. He works as a bartender in Arizona. The names of the chicks have been changed to protect…well, shit, not sure why we changed their names but we did. Enjoy.

“Jared Allen the defensive end for the Vikings has been coming into the restaurant lately. If you've ever seen his interviews on ESPN he always credits his good play to being sober which is hilarious when I watch him down twenty beers and he just opened his own bar in Scottsdale. He always asks to have a hot chick as his server, so I take care of him because he's always cool to everyone and he tips well. Last time he was here, he asked Lori (a hot ass server) when she’s going to go out with him. She has a boyfriend and always gets hit on by guys and tells him she’s not interested. To make a long story short not only did she go have drinks with him, he tag teamed her and another one of my servers that night and passed out while Lori was sitting on his face and Jessica (other server) was giving him head. Check out his website if you have a chance this guy is King. I'm buying a Jared Allen jersey.”

Which begs the question, how much cooler is Jared Allen than Chris Cooley? Just saying.



III

Fuck you Scott Ostler

By Magglio and Jericho

Alright, fuck it. It’s been a crazy day, nay week. We’ve been up to our ears with work bullshit, Patch had 3 teeth removed and we’re both still reeling from the passing of MJ. So we compiled a few thoughts. And we both have tomorrow off. So we’re not posting tomorrow. Enjoy your 4th of July weekend friends. Except you Derek. You can suck a dick.


Rules for Fantasy Football drafting:
Jericho and I are compiling a list of rules for our upcoming Fantasy Football drafts. So far we only have 2 rules. 1) No drafting a RB over 29 years old and 2) No drafting Chris Cooley. If either of us violate a rule then you get a swift kick to the nuts. We’ll be compiling a complete list over the next couple months so send us an email if you have any rules you’d like to add: applesandmoustaches@gmail.com


We’re on to you BusinessWeek:
Is it just me or does the following headline and subhead from BusinessWeek make you super horny? “Jobs Report: A Blow to Optimism. A dismal June jobs report offers few, if any, "green shoots." Will a soft labor market slow a recovery?” We get your subliminal message loud and clear, BusinessWeek. Yes we’re broke, yes the future is dim, but we’ve got penises and vaginas don’t we? Let’s use ‘em!


Stupid words:
Is there a stupider word than ‘nay’? Maybe ‘natch’.


Fuck Scott Ostler:
I wrote Scott Ostler of the SF Chronicle. I broke down and did it. I sold out. I’m a sell out. I wrote him because all I wanted was him to use a silly nickname I made up for Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain. So I was handing it to him. On a silver fucking platter. It wasn’t even that good. But it was so much better than anything he’s written. And he never wrote me back. Never used the term either. Fuck I hate that guy.


Twittering MJ
In an early contest to see which celebrity would post the weirdest, most inane, feignedly heartfelt Tweet about Michael Jackson, we have a deadlock tie between Faith Hill and David Arquette. Tens of readers, only you can decide the winner.

HavingFaith25: The day the dancing stopped. My heart beats with sadness and sadnessity to hear about the loss of a true original, a true man, a true artist. Bille Jean is not your lover and, now, she never will be.

AlligatorDick-SkinnedBoots: I heard the news while rubbing Courtney. I couldn’t help but make my fingers dance on her back like the Bad video. It was the only thing that made sense. Don’t you hate the name Randy?


Detroit Signings:
Why did the Pistons give Ben Gordon $55 million? Don’t they have Richard Hamilton? Didn’t Ben Gordon prove that he totally self destructs if he’s not starting? And why did Ben Gordon say, “I’m finally in a place where I can focus on winning” when the Pistons suck and the Bulls look like a top 6 team next year? Taking a pile of money to go from a good team to a bad team and citing “winning” as the impetus is like breaking up with an ugly chick for a smoking hot chick because you want to “finally focus on conversation.” Can you imagine if the adverse ever came true, if a player took less money to go to a contender and then said, “this was all about money. Yes, I was offered more money to play elsewhere, but this is all about money for me.” My head is spinning over this signing.


Megan Fox is hotter with clothes on:
Jericho and I talk about this all the time. Megan Fox is stunning. She looks absolutely gorgeous in photos. But for some reason we gravitate towards the ones where she’s wearing a hot outfit rather than say a bikini shot. We’ve come to the realization it’s because in a bikini she looks predictable. You know what you’re going to get. A pair of great tits and a banging stomach. Shit, I can see that by simply going home. The thing about Megan Fox is how stunningly sexy she is with her clothes on.


Hey, check out this video:
Is there anything more socially awkward then showing a friend a YouTube video and then having them return the favor? And then you have to sit there and pretend that you enjoy what they’re making you watch? It quickly lets you know if your sense of humor lines up.



III

I could smack that bitch

This is the actual note Jericho sent to his landlord today. The note is in regards to the constant and inaccurate overdue rent notices he receives.


Dear XXXXXX -

We received an overdue notice this morning that claims that we owe $X for rent and another $X for parking.

I'm assuming that these are the same computer-generated notices that we've been assured do not reflect our current standing and have been advised to ignore. Can you please confirm that this is the case in this instance?

The $X number was slightly disconcerting because I didn't see where that number would come from. If for some reason our last two rent checks and parking payments were not logged accurately, the total would be $X. Can you please explain that discrepancy? I'm assuming this is another computer error, but just wanted to make sure that the trained monkey who does the accounting wasn't revolting in the hopes of getting an extra banana.

Eminently patient as always,
Jericho





III

WOW

*Note, this post was originally posted at 8:58am with projected numbers - it was updated at 3:15 to reflect the official numbers.

As my prom date said, “I knew it would be big, but I had no idea it would be that big.”

Just as I surprised my date with a stretch limo, Transformers shocked the box office with a full anal assault. Consider the following.

Opening Weekend:
My prediction: $105m (#9 all time)
Actual: $109m (#7 all time)

I missed by $4m, but I’m still giving myself an A+ for that one. You should too.

Opening 5 days (including Weds and Thurs):
My prediction: $148m (#7 all time)
Actual: $200m (#2 all time)

There are some amazing numbers on this list, but the 5-day gross is by far the most impressive. We all knew this movie would have a big weekend but no one could have predicted how well this movie was going to perform on Wednesday and Thursday. Transformers 2 absolutely shattered the record for biggest Wednesday of all time with $61m - $15m more than Harry Potter 5 pulled two summers ago. Considering that Transformers’ Wednesday is not only the biggest Wednesday of all time, but it actually ranks #2 for the biggest single day of all time, just missing the Dark Knight’s $67m opening – which was on a Friday, btw. That’s fucking incredible. The movie followed up with $28m on Thursday (the 4th biggest Thursday, btw) for a ludicrous $89m heading into the weekend.

Worldwide Opening Weekend (US + Int.):
My prediction: $240m (#7 all time)
Actual: $390m (#1 all time)

$200m domestically + $190m internationally = $390m and the biggest international opening of all time. Incredible numbers.

So if you’re scoring at home:

Opening Weekend: #7
Opening 5-day gross: #2
Worldwide Opening: #1
Biggest Wednesday: #1
Biggest Thursday: #4
Biggest Opening Day: #2
All time domestic: #91 (and counting)
All time worldwide: #112 (and counting)

Where does it go from here? Well, even though the movie is mirroring the early success of the Dark Knight, it lacks the staying power of that film to sustain this pace. Because it opened so massively, it’ll definitely make enough noise over the next few weeks to finish in the top #25 domestically and top #30 worldwide, but I’m guessing the movie has peaked and will start falling from here. I bet we see a 65-75% decline next weekend (which is still around $40m, but still…). That’s really just picking nits at this point, $201m after five days is fucking ridiculous. Congrats, Megan Fox’s lips, tits and slutty facial expressions, you did it.



JR

Summer Box Office Review…Before Transformers Destroys It

8 weeks into a fairly underwhelming box office season, let’s recap a few of the high and lowlights.

My best prediction: That Terminator 4 would tank domestically
Now, $120m might not look bad on paper, but do you realize this movie cost $200m to make? If you were a studio exec, would you green light this movie at $50m? Throw in Christian Bale’s rant, the fact that Arnold is fucking up California rather than bad guys and the massive, massive budget and this movie smelled like asshole from the word go. Granted it’s performing well overseas with a little over $200m, but I bet there’s a few unemployed studio execs that aren’t happy with that $120.


My worst prediction: That Up would be Pixar’s first lackluster performer
Note to self, never bet against Pixar. Never. The movie opens with $68, follows up with a monster $44 in its second weekend, $30 in its third and now sits at $231, good for #62 all time. Through four weeks, Up is performing on par with Finding Nemo (the studio’s biggest hit with $340m) and should end up being the studio’s 2nd biggest movie. Shows what I know.


Best Performance: Star Trek
The reinvention is working. With $240m domestically (good for #55 all time) and another $125 internationally, the movie is the early winner of the 2009 box office (for a few more days anyway) and has re-energized a franchise that seemed deader than dead 5 years ago.


Worst Performance: Imagine That
I’m tempted to mention Angels and Demons ($130m to date, $150m production cost), or the aforementioned T4 ($120m, $200m cost) but we have to give special attention to Eddie’s latest turd. $12m on a $55m budget, now that’s stinky. No one takes a dump on celluloid like Eddie Murphy, huh?


Biggest “Sleeper”: The Hangover
One of my biggest media pet peeves: when they completely over-report the possibility of something happening and then act completely shocked when it happens. If ESPN is going to lead with “Cowboys Considering Cutting Ties with TO” for the entire month of February, they can’t say “In Shocking Move, Cowboys Say Adios to TO” when it comes true in March – that shit just doesn’t work. The Hangover is the same way. For months people mentioned how this looked like the sleeper of the summer, now that it’s true, they’re acting shocked about the same thing. Oh well, with $160m after three weeks, this movie is on track for right around $230m, eclipsing Beverly Hills Cop as the biggest R-rated comedy of all time, that’s cool no matter how you slice it.


Best International Performer: Angels and Demons
When the movie opened, I mentioned that the real value for this franchise is overseas; Angels is continuing that trend with $330m abroad and only $130m here. The movie is #79 all time internationally (and should end up between #60-65) but is only #254 domestically. Crazy.

Enough dry humping, let’s slap on an extra ribbed for her pleasure and get this party started. Here’s what I’m predicting for Transformers:


Opening Weekend: $105m (#9 all time)
Opening 5 days (including Weds and Thurs): $148m (#7 all time)
Worldwide Opening Weekend (US and Int.): $240m (#7 all time)

I fucking hate this move, but I can’t fucking wait to watch it open.



JR