What Would John Bowker Do?

Apple
Some fuck at the Air Force ripped off the White Stripe’s ‘Fell in Love With A Girl’ for their latest commercial. What is that dude thinking? I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. Jack is going to rip his dick off, make a guitar out of it, give it to Loretta Lyn as a gift and she’s going to record a song entitled ‘Jack gave me this dick guitar and I gave the world this song.’


Moustache
A few years back a bunch of dudes we went to school with came down to San Francisco for the Cal/UW football game. We all met at a bar the night before the game and for one reason or another Jericho couldn’t make it out. So, what did I do? Being the good friend I am of course I told them all that Jericho had officially come out of the closet while living in SF. And his girlfriend is cool with it they just use a strap-on now for his satisfaction. Fuck that story still makes me laugh. You realize there’s a large portion of our classmates in Seattle who heard about this and still believe Jericho is gay. That’s what friends are for.


Apple
Human sexuality is such a uniquely individual thing that it’s hard to really pinpoint the sluts from the saints at a glance. However, I feel pretty confident about the following statement: Pink has had poop in her mouth. Not sure where, why, whose or how, but if my life depended on it, I’d say there’s been some poo in there at some point.


Moustache
People’s insecurities and inflated sense of self has never been more on display. This whole thing about doppelgangers on Facebook is seriously out of control. People sure do think they’re a whole lot better looking than they really are huh? In other news, do you know that I look just like Tom Brady minus the hair, chin, face and super bowl rings? Other than that…a dead ringer.


Apple
Who would you rather have sex with? Brooklyn Decker, Abe Vigoda, Kim Kardashian or the robot who keeps spamming our site? Kinda a toss up in my book.



*

Fuck it.

Fuck it. I’m 36,008 feet in the air. I’ve had a couple xanax, a sparkling water and just finished watching Michael Jackson’s This is It. The captain has turned on the fasten seat belts sign, which means any minute now, I’ll be clutching my arm rests convinced that these will be the last moments I’ll ever spend alive. Call me inspired. It’s time to write a post.


What I’ve been up to since we last spoke:


*I finished ‘Eating Animals’ by Jonathan Safran Foer and haven’t picked up another book since.


* I gained about 10 pounds.


* I shared an hour long cab ride with Rachel Hunter. The best part was when she talked so I could stare at her without it being weird.


* I traveled for business for 5 weeks straight. I swear it took 20 years off my life.


* I told Ricky Watters about the poster I had of him hanging over my bed when I was a kid that said “Running Watters.” Then we talked about Niners football.


* I had moments where I did nothing but thank God for how fortunate I am in life. These moments usually directly followed time spent with my wife.


* I misinterpreted a joke about me on a company email and replied to all after a heavy night of drinking which did nothing but further expose my greatest flaw in business. I’m too sensitive.


* I flaked on a good friend of mine for the 2nd time in a row. I still feel awful about it. The stars just didn’t align. Next time dude.


* I still haven’t seen Jericho, which is officially the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other in 7 years, or the last time we lived in separate cities. Inexcusable. On so many levels.


* I went Vegan for 4 days.


* I promised a friend I’d send him ‘The Adderall Diaries’ by Stephen Elliot. It’s been sitting on my desk for about 6 weeks now. I'll get around to that shortly.


* I listened to Bright Eyes more than any other artist on my iPod. Well, Bright Eyes, Fleet Foxes and Them Crooked Vultures, to be honest.


* I haven’t seen Avatar and probably never will.


* I had a conversation with January Jones, and then paused mid-conversation to turn to my wife and tell her, while pointing at Miss Jones, “I’m going to impregnate this woman.” Classy guy.


* My elementary school crush finally admitted that she should’ve dated me in the 6th grade. No shit Lisa.


* I got drunk and danced with my French friend Jon. A friend I hadn’t seen in about 5 years. That’s what life’s all about.


* I delivered hundreds of gently used designer suits to a charity for at-risk men trying to get back on their feet. Maybe that's what life's all about.


* I spent 45 minutes reading an US Weekly, a new personal best for me.


* I spent 4 hours at John Varvatos in New York and can now say, with confidence, I have all the clothes I need.


* I never called Brett back. I can be so selfish sometimes.


* I put an offer on a house and was outbid.


* I told Russell Brand that he was, well, Russell Brand. He said, and I quote, “Yes I am. What’s up loc?”


* I claimed that Robin Wright Penn would be nominated for Best Actress in The Private Life of Pippa Lee. I was wrong.


* I saw original Banksy street art appear overnight.


* I told a model she should try on the Gucci dress instead of the Armani one because it would probably make her legs look better. I was right.


* I bought myself a new pair of socks. Red and grey striped. Paul Smith. Gangster.


* I drank the 2nd, 3rd and 4th Bloody Mary’s of my life. Then proceeded to drink the rest of New Year’s Day away. Fuck that one was a doozy.


* I struggled when asked on more than one occasion to name my top 5 celebrity crushes. I’ve since committed myself to figuring it out so I don’t run into that situation again. Stay tuned.


* I didn’t get a single hair cut.


* I asked Chris Cooley if he’d ever read Apples & Moustaches. He hadn’t. Damn.


* I skipped most of the AFC Championship game to watch a documentary about a Danish-Korean comedy troupe sent to North Korea on a cultural exchange program with the ultimate goal of exposing the atrocities that occur in the Kim Jong-Ill regime. And I learned a little more about myself in the process. Just kidding. I wanted to see what it would feel like to be Rick Reily. It sucked.


* I went from $278.29 cents in my online gambling account to $0.29 in a matter of 2 weeks.


* I defended Snooki when someone said she shouldn’t have her own TV show. She should. End of argument.


* I heard from a lot of fucking cool people that they missed our blog these past few weeks. Which absolutely made my day every time I heard it. Fuck it. We're back. Let's keep this party going.






III

Since You've Been Gone...

Dear Jericho –

I realize you’ve only been gone for about 48 hours but so many things have happened I thought I’d pen a letter. I spent the most time trying to figure out what song should be playing while you read this letter. I wanted the music to signify importance like the end of a Growing Pains episode when Mike Seaver and his trusty side kick Boner realize that even though they didn’t come in first place they learned a valuable lesson along the way. Not sure what that song should be. But you get the idea. I also know for a fact, that when you’re reading this, the edges of the screen (the audience's TV screen mind you) will be slightly cloudy like a glamor shot taken at a mid range mall portrait studio.

Here's what's been going on since you've been gone....

I watched “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee”:
Dude, this was a great movie. If Robin Wright Penn doesn’t get nominated then it proves I don’t know shit about the Oscars. And Blake Lively turns in a surprisingly good performance, not to mention there’s a great sequence where she gets spanked while dressing up in different ‘Halloween’ costumes. Totally fucking hot. While I really enjoyed the movie I have to say two things threw me off

1) Keanu Reeves. Yes. Keanu Reeves is in the movie and at one point wears a t-shirt that just says ‘What?’ on it. Almost too good to be true. But it is true. I paused the movie just to be sure. And...

2) There’s some fuzzy math going on where Blake Lively dates Alan Arkin and then they fast forward in time and Robin Wright Penn is the older version of Blake Lively now married to Alan Arkin and we’re supposed to believe it all just works. Sound confusing? It is. Enough that I again had to pause the movie and try to do some quick math about everyone’s ages before my wife finally told me to just go with it and press play. So I pressed play. But it still irks me today.


I watched "Pirate Radio":
Great movie. I can’t tell if the fact that I went 2 for 2 on good movies says more about my ability to easily be entertained or more about the quality of the 2 movies I saw. Doesn’t matter. This is Phillip Seymour Hoffman as we love and know him. Not ‘Boogie Nights’ PSH which will never again exist, but 'Almost Famous' PSH. Funny, Confident while still being aware of his girth, engaging, charming…he was perfect. You gotta see this movie. I think you’d really like it. (That goes for you too Dad. This movie is right up your ally. Great music and hot chicks. Sorry though, no nudity).


Chargers, Colts, Saints, Vikings, Update:
Let me see if I can break this down for you. The Chargers are peaking at the perfect time. The Colts benched Peyton and chose to slow their peak which practically gave Chris Berman a hemorrhoid on national TV. Saints are imploding right before our eyes and the Vikings have now realized what it means to have 46-year old Brett Favre as your quarterback this late in the season. Oh yeah, the Seahawks still fucking suck. I'm putting money down on the Packers.


Your Fantasy Championship game:
First, the bad news. You lost by about 15 points. Now the good news. You had no business making it this far anyways. We both know that. You started Devonne Bess in the championship game for fuck’s sake. Desean played like Desean and Gore did the best he could be let’s be honest, your team sucked. Congrats on 2nd place. Now we have to take a whole off-season of listening to Moody’s dumbass gloat.


JP’s Birthday next year:
We came up with a KILLER idea for Jammy Pants' birthday next year…wait for it….The Maui Invitational! Boom. They just announced that Washington will be participating next year and it’s the week of Thanksgiving which is also her birthday week. What could be better? Hawaii? Huskies? Patch in a bikini? Get ready buddy.


In Burges:
Great movie posts last week. The chatter has been fantastic. I still get people sending me emails and IM’s wanting to talk about your list. Little do they know I had nothing to do with it besides agreeing with your number 1 pick. As you know, you need to watch In Burges when you get back and let our readers know what you think. Not only did one of our readers, Bryan, deem it the best movie in the history of the uinverse but KK practically gave him a written hummer by confirming that it was a good movie. Remember how much KK loves Colin Farrell? Man KK can be such a pussy sometimes.


Caity being Caity:
Caity still hasn’t sent in her new post. I think she’s dooshing again. Or Tahoe finally figured out where Atlanta is and they’re making loud, drunken monkey love now. Gross.


I miss you fag. There, I said it.

xoxo, Magglio




III

A&M's Top 50 Movies of The Decade (part 6)

Earlier today: #10-2
Yesterday: #20-11
Monday: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41


Without further ado, the best movie of the decade is:

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
As I’ve mentioned a few times during these posts, Romadramedies (romance + comedy + drama) are by far and away my favorite type of movie, and Eternal Sunshine is the best representative of the genre. Funny, achingly sad, philosophical, sweet, horrifying, the amount of emotions that this film entails, and the amount of places this screenplay takes you inside your own head are too numerous too name. Now, I fully admit that this movie is weird, maybe it tries a little too hard at times, maybe the director gets a little too clever with some of the visuals, but when you break this down and realize that everything that happens visually is a metaphor for what is happening emotionally, well, it just fucking works. Add in career-defining performances from Winslet and Carrey and no film this decade had a more complete package.

I’ve spent way too much time ruminating on and deconstructing the central metaphor in a somewhat futile attempt to figure out what each of the visual elements mean and how this ties back to the overall theme. There’s way too much going on here to go through, so let’s talk about the big, big takeaways:

1) We need our pain. I can’t remember who it was, but I once heard someone say that we “are the sum of our experiences.” This isn’t just the happy stuff either; it’s the whole package, the mundane, the embarrassing, the hurtful, the proud, the sad, the sexy, the salacious. If we take one thing off that list, we change forever.

2) By far the most painful moment of a breakup is the revelation that the other person has completely moved on even though you still hurt. The fights, the lies, the accusations, all of that fucking sucks. But it’s knowing that you still need them and they don’t need you that hurts more than anything.

3) To quote my favorite director who left his wife for one of his Asian stepchildren, “the heart wants what it wants.” Love is not only emotional and physical, it’s physiological, biological and a shit fucking ton of other words that end in ogical.

4) How we see our past changes based on our current perspective. If you’ve ever kept a journal or a diary inevitably you’ve had that moment where you’ve looked back at something you’ve written and said to yourself, “what the fuck was I thinking? Who the shit is this person?” Memories are the same way. When we look back at a certain event or time, we are doing so as the person we are now, the person we were then has grown, changed, had new experiences. After a certain amount of time passes, you can’t objectively look back at a failed relationship as a singular event frozen in time because too much has happened and the memory has evolved.

And those are just the hors d’oeuvres. There is so much more going on above and below the surface that I could spend months and another 10,000 words breaking this film down. Intelligent, interesting, perfect, every time I throw this in it feels fresh, I notice something new I hadn’t seen before, giving me something else to chew on. And that, along with a host of other reasons, is why Eternal Sunshine is A&M’s top movie of the decade.

Thanks for following along, everyone. Happy Holidays.



JR

A&M Top 50 Movies of The Decade (part 5)

Yesterday: #20-11
Monday: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41


10. Gladiator
I have a funny relationship with Gladiator. I really, really liked it in the theater, but didn’t love it. I got the DVD randomly for Christmas one year, watched it a few times, liked it but didn’t love it, stuck it on the shelf for a while and forgot about it. But then the imitators started coming out, big budget, super-hyped movies like Troy, Kingdom of Heaven and 300, and they all sucked big fat donkey dicks, especially Troy which was like a trip to a butt-fucking dentist. Anyway, I saw all these movies and kept saying to myself, “fuck, Gladiator was so much fucking better.” So I revisited the movie, watched it a few more times and now I can appreciate not just how good it is, but how difficult it is for a movie like that to be a great movie. The cards are stacked against it from the beginning, but Gladiator is up for the fucking challenge.

9. City of God
Anyone seen this? Probably not, huh? Okay, answer the following question: do you like Good Fellas? Ah, I figured you did. What if I told you that City of God was essentially the Brazilian version of Good Fellas? Interested now? I thought so. What’s that? You want to show your gratitude by blowing me? No, no, that’s thoughtful, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it, but honestly, just knowing that maybe I convinced a few of you twats to skip The Ugly Truth and reach for something artistic, something meaningful, oh who am I kidding, go ahead and suck it.

8. The Truman Show
I watch Jim Carrey act in this movie with my jaw on the floor; how the fuck does he do that? There is so much fucking talent in that man’s body it’s amazing that he hasn’t spontaneously combusted like the drummer in Spinal Tap. Twisted, dark, funny, endearing, honest, great acting, great direction and one of the better original screenplays of all time, The Truman show is also one of the most thought provoking concepts of all time. How crazy is it to think that when this movie came out, reality TV was just a phenomenon and not a staple of everyday life like it is now? How long until a TV station adopts a baby and puts every second of his life on TV? Ten years ago that seemed absurd, sci fi even. Now, with shows like “So You Think You Can Dance With a Monkey” and “Neighborhood Proctology” it doesn’t seem that far off, huh? Fucking crazy.

(Note* I just realized that this movie came out in 1998. God fucking damn it. Oh well. If I can write things on this blog like “John Mayer sucked my dick last night and he loved it” without any repercussions, then I can also change the release date of The Truman Show to 2001. Continue.)

7. Wall-E
Pixar has made a shit ton of great movies, in fact they’ve never made a movie that was less than a B+ (Bug’s Life) everything else is in the steady A or A- range. But for me, Wall-E is the best of the whole lot. Amazingly original, thoughtful, beautiful, with a real message about how we live and why. I’m stating the obvious here, but what Pixar does better than anyone else in history is make films that appeal to both kids and adults at the same time. Simple enough, but don’t underestimate how difficult that is. Wall-E is the best example of this, you ask someone aged 5, 15, 25, 35, and 55 what the movie was about and they’ll all give you a different answer. That’s an incredible skill.

6. Brokeback Mountain
Crash winning best picture over Brokeback has slowly evolved into the Bowie over Jordan movie debate of our time. How the fuck did that happen? Was Hollywood simply not ready to crown a gay-themed picture? How is that possible, isn’t that like a group of retards voting for Pulp Fiction over Forrest Gump in 1994? I digress, I’m amazed by how rewatchable this movie is on cable, in fact, I’d go as far to say that this movie has been improved by being on cable, mostly because we get to skip the tent part and that weird “is it gayer to watch or look away?” feeling that every straight man feels during that scene. Whoops, digressed again. Let’s talk about Heath for a second. Heath’s career-defining turn as the Joker has helped make the rest of his resume stronger and more amazing. Watching him in this movie, which we knew at the time was an incredible performance, has only gotten better with his subsequent work. What a fucking talent he was. Sigh.

(Bonus tidbit: one of my favorite all time jokes about Brokeback came from Magglio. We were talking about this movie and how uncomfortable the sex scene is for everyone in the theater and Magglio said, “yeah, it’s crushing everyone. Especially Jake Gyllenhaall.” That still kills me.)

5. The Departed
The highest ranked movie on my list to win best picture, The Departed was ranked in the top 20 on this list before I even saw it. Lurid, tight, unbelievable acting, especially DiCaprio, and a plot that is so dense that it’s still unfolding even though I’ve seen it six or seven times. Great movie. Not sure what else there is to say.

4. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon I imagine this will surprise a few people. I’ve seen a bunch of similar lists come out over the last few weeks and can’t remember seeing this movie once. I fucking LOVE this movie, amazing fight scenes, real emotion, great story line, there’s so much happening right below the surface that might get missed if you’re watching just for the action. The death scene at the end is as moving as anything I’ve ever seen. Rewatch this movie sometime; it deserves it.

3. Almost Famous
Over the last few weeks, as I started to make and remake this list, the following three movies each spent time at #1. I love Almost Famous, it’s just such a well-made movie, perfect length, perfectly paced, perfect music, perfect direction. Eminently rewatchable, fun, enjoyable, sure it’s get a little heavy-handed at times, but it’s a love letter to rock, and love letters are supposed to be heavy-handed.

2. Dark Knight
The greatest action movie of all time; the greatest comic book movie of all time; the greatest villain of all time; the most complex and interesting hero of all time. Does that about sum it up?

Coming later today: the #1 movie of the decade



JR

A&M's Top Movies of The Decade (part 4)

Today: #20-11
Yesterday: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41


20. Wedding Crashers
Blowjobs and French dips aside, is there anything better than watching a great, R-rated comedy in a packed theater? Everyone’s had a few, everyone’s in a good mood, you laugh at things that you normally wouldn’t and miss parts because the collective laughter is so loud. It’s the best, and I had one of my better movie experiences seeing Wedding Crashers. On a scale of one to ten, how good is the opening montage of wedding clips? A 15? 25? Sure, the wheels fall off the last 35 minutes, but the wedding and the dinner scene are so good we forgive this movie for its digressions. Just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.

19. Cast Away
By far the hardest movie to rank, because of the B- opening, A++++ middle and H ending (yes, H); even if the ending was in the C range, this movie catapults to the top 5, maybe top 2 or 3. It’s captivating on all levels, with Tom Hanks giving one of his best performances (which is saying something). However, when making this list I really tried to rate and review movies as a whole, not being swayed by great moments, scenes or performances. So here we are, #19. Could’ve been so much better.

18. Once
I’ve expressed my love for this little movie on more than one occasion and it’s only gotten better with time. Quiet, slow, thoughtful and true, this movie is completely unassuming and unconventional, showing the characters for who and what they are. The music elevates the movie to a whole new level, providing more than the soundtrack but serving as the emotional center of the film. One of the most rewatchable movies on the list.

17. Anchorman
Are there better movies than Anchorman? Sure. Are there better comedies? Probably. Pound for pound, has there been a funnier, more quotable, more enjoyable movie this decade? Nope.

16. Mystic River
Yes, Million Dollar Baby took home the big trophy, but for my money this was Clint’s best movie this decade. Dark, layered, gritty, hypnotic; with Sean Penn reaching new levels as the guilt-stricken father. The great thing about Clint’s movies: they never try too hard; they are exactly what they are. The indie film movement has given rise to the “holy shit I’m directing!” style of filmmaking, but Clint is an old school, true-to-form storyteller. What a fucking artist. The guy directed 9 movies this decade and they’re all good. Mystic River is the best of the bunch.

15. The Royal Tenenbaums
Yes it’s a little pretentious, precocious and up-its-own-ass-ious, but fuck it’s funny. Member how Gene Hackman made this movie and then disappeared off the planet? I’m torn on Wes Anderson; sometimes it feels like he out thinks himself, as if he’s trying to make every scene original rather than true. This makes movies like The Life Aquatic seem too premeditated, as if Wes is a victim of his style rather than a master of it. With that said however, he’s firing on all cylinders here, creating just the right amount of tension and angst where every moment of pain or torment feels real, and every laugh feels genuine and cathartic.

14. Big Fish
All of the great aspects of Tim Burton’s movies collide with Big Fish. Suddenly the visuals exist for a clear purpose, advancing the story rather than merely enhancing it, if that makes sense. When I walked out of the theater, I knew I loved the movie but wasn’t sure what I was supposed to take from it, what the overall message was supposed to be (and if you can’t tell by this obsessive blog series, that drives me fucking crazy). After a few times on DVD I think I’ve got it: we need to love people on their terms, not ours. People are who they are and exist in their own version of the world, and if we want to truly understand them and love them, we have to enter that world, not force them to enter ours. Not sure if I 100% believe in that myself, but this film does with all its heart which is what makes it so fucking great.

13. There Will Be Blood
When film students dissect the films of our generation 50 years from now, the first name they’ll mention is Paul Thomas Anderson, a true cinematic genius who has done more to advance the medium than anyone else over the last 15 years. Part Scorsese, part Demme and part Tarantino; his movies are atmospheric, creating a mood that is completely specific to that film. Boogie Nights and There Will be Blood are very similar and vastly different at the same time and that’s the best compliment I can give.

12. Munich
Another movie that I didn’t love the first time I saw it, but has slowly and quietly climbed back into my head. Dark, violent and extremely depressing, Munich shows the true effect of “revenge” and how those symptoms permeate and reverberate throughout every aspect of our lives. Like most of you, I was totally thrown by the sex scene at the end, it seemed awkward and gross, but it makes complete sense now. There is no escape, even in the most private, intimate moments of our lives. I’m an unabashed Spielberg fan and with this movie and Schindler’s List (the greatest film ever made in my opinion), he has made two films that will be discussed, debated and devoured forever.

11. Before Sunset
I’m not exactly sure what genre you’d lump this movie into, but whatever that category is, it’s my favorite. Part comedy, part drama, part romance (romadramedy?), this movie asks and attempts to answer the big questions that we all face as we enter our 30s: am I ready to have kids? What is happiness? Do I really know the difference between infatuation and love? Is there a difference? Am I grown up enough to handle growing up? The characters are so well defined and so identifiable that they feel like friends, an amalgamation of everyone I know (which includes myself). Even though it’s a Romadramedy, it has as much suspense as anything else I saw this decade, my heart was beating so fast with anticipation during the “will they or won’t they?” scene at the end, that I thought it was going to leap out of my chest. I’ve seen this movie 10 times since, and that scene still gets me every time.

Coming tomorrow: The Top 10


JR

A&M's Top Movies of The Decade (part 3)

Today: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41

30. Stranger Than Fiction
This movie would be higher except for two elements that severely damage its rewatchability: a) the love story is just too implausible, I understand why it’s in there, but it’s too much of a stretch and gets worse on repeat viewings; and b) The Queen. I’m a big admirer of Queen Latifah, she elicits a special breed of terror when she’s on screen, in fact, every time she appears I hear “you don’t fuck wit da Quuuuuuueeeeeeeen” in my head, which is the appropriate response but is ultimately very distasting. With that said however, this movie is so unique and the directing and acting so great and the fast forward button works so well every time the Queen comes on, that this movie belongs right here.

29. Gone Baby Gone
Most movies that rely on a big twist don’t hold up over time, but this one is so much deeper than the big reveal at the end. Great acting, great direction and one of the most haunting closing shots in memory; who knew Ben Affleck had this in him?

28. In The Bedroom
God fucking bless Tom Wilkinson. He makes bad movies watchable and good movies great. This movie is so horrifically sad that it’s hard to take down more than once, but the acting, pacing and writing keep me coming back.

27. Milk
Honestly, Sean Penn is such a moody fuck and speaks with such a clenched jaw, that seeing him kiss a man was less jarring than seeing him smile. I didn’t know he had teeth. Amazing movie. Not sure what else there is to say.

26. Rachel Getting Married Anyone see this? Watching Anne Hathaway in this movie was like watching a rookie QB have his first 300 yard, 3 TD game; you realize you’re watching someone who’s going to be famous for a long, long time. Here’s a name for you, Bill Irwin, the father in the movie, how incredible was that performance? Really excellent film making from the incomparable Jonathan Demme, his name doesn’t get tossed around with the greats but it should, check out his IMDB page sometime. It’s a fucking murderer’s row.

25. Away We Go
Entertainment Weekly’s Lisa Shwarzbaum named Away We Go the second WORST movie of 2009 with this quote, “Go away, you annoyingly smug young parents-to-be with your self-satisfied dissatisfactions and your damn quirks. Scat.” What the fuck? Has she been sucking on an exhaust pipe again? I loved every fucking second of this movie. It’s original, endearing, thoughtful; featuring two people who generally love each other and feel out of place in a world that doesn’t seem to want them in it. Haven’t we all felt that way at some point? Why do romantic comedies have to be quirky and hip to be well received? What about real people with real emotions in real situations? I could live to be 100 and never understand why this movie was swept under the rug. If you, like Lisa S, feel that this movie and the characters don’t like you, then maybe they shouldn’t.

24. Traffic
One of those movies that almost seems a bit too real. Layers upon layers upon layers, all held together by Soderbergh’s brilliant direction and unreal cinematography. I’m torn on Soderbergh, he’s part rogue, part sellout, vacillating between weird little indie experiments and overblown Hollywood movies (honestly how bad were Oceans 12 and 13?), yet doesn’t ever seem entirely comfortable being either. How will we feel about his work 25 years from now? Either way, Traffic will certainly be mentioned in that conversation, a brilliant film from start to finish.

23. No Country For Old Men
I was fucking blown away by this movie when I saw it for the first time. I named it the best movie of 2007 and was, and still am, completely floored by Tommy Lee Jones’ performance. So why isn’t this higher? The ending. Look, I get how original it is, how artistic and all that, but it’s unsatisfying, it just is and I can’t intellectualize myself out of that notion. Following a character that closely for 90 minutes only to have him disappear so ignobly feels cheap. I’m sorry, people-smarter-than-me, it just does. Give me a quick snapshot, a flashback and this movie goes in the top 10, without it, it lives here.

22. Monster’s Ball
Another fucked up movie. What’s wrong with me? Watching it now, with everything that happened to Heath and the mystery surrounding his death, is completely terrifying. Marc Forster, my favorite director right now, started his amazing run with this movie and hasn’t stopped. I mean, the guy showed Halle getting nailed from behind and he somehow made it depressing, that’s talent.

21. The Prestige
I’m guessing this will surprise a few people. The moral question at the center of this movie, about how far people will go for fame, is one of the most fascinating I’ve ever seen in a movie. I’ve spent days rolling this movie around in my head and it just gets better and better each time.

Coming tomorrow: #20-11



JR