Best Actor Do Over (Part II)

Moving right along...

2000
Nominees:
Javier Bardem -- Before Night Falls
Russell Crowe -- Gladiator
Tom Hanks -- Cast Away
Ed Harris -- Pollock
Geoffrey Rush -- Quills

Did Win: Crowe
Should’ve Won: Harris

Once again, the Academy plays the political game and doesn’t reward the best performance. The voters were split between Crowe and Spacey in 1999, deciding on Spacey at the last minute but kicking themselves the whole time. So Gladiator comes out and it’s fucking awesome and he’s fucking awesome and the Academy thinks “damn it! Crowe is the real deal, we really fucked up last year – let’s just give him this one and call it even.” Obviously this logic is crazy, crazy fucked because it totally overlooks the best performance of the year: Ed Harris in Pollock. Crowe is awesome in Gladiator no doubt, but Harris is a revelation in Pollock, tortured, brilliant, endearing, appalling, a really fantastic performance.

2001
Nominees:
Russell Crowe -- A Beautiful Mind
Sean Penn -- I Am Sam
Will Smith -- Ali
Denzel Washington -- Training Day
Tom Wilkinson -- In the Bedroom

Did Win: Denzel
Should’ve Won: Crowe

Ah, so now the Academy’s lack of foresight has completely come full circle. So they wanted to give Crowe the Oscar for the Insider but didn’t, regretted that decision so threw him a conciliation Oscar for Gladiator, and then are caught with their pants down a year later when he gives the performance of his fucking life in A Beautiful Mind. Holy shit is he good in this movie. Not only that, but this is the absolute definition of an Oscar worthy role – he’s crazy, brilliant, delusional, there’s even a “thirty years later” scene where he wears heavy make up! The Academy fucking loves heavy make up! Man, they really kicked themselves in the ass with this one.

(And I know what you’re thinking, what about Denzel? Is this really the best Denzel performance? No fucking chance. Besides if I was completely redoing this thing, and not just starting from 1993 – I’d go back to 1992, take Pacino’s Oscar for Scent of a Woman and give it to its rightful owner, Denzel for Malcolm X. So there)

2002
Nominees:
Adrien Brody -- The Pianist
Nicolas Cage -- Adaptation
Michael Caine -- The Quiet American
Daniel Day-Lewis -- Gangs of New York
Jack Nicholson -- About Schmidt

Did Win: Brody
Should’ve Won: Day-Lewis

A Polish pianist (Oscar!) uses his music (Oscar!) to raise the spirits (Oscar!) of the oppressed Residents (Oscar!) in the Polish ghetto (Oscar!). In one touching scene, he’s about to be executed by the Nazi guard (Oscar!) but starts playing the piano (Oscar!) and the guard is reduced to tears (Oscar!) and lets him live (Oscar!). Nothing against Brody, who is fantastic in this movie, but don’t you think the Academy was swayed a little by the role and not the performance? What’s more, the year previously they gave the award to Denzel for playing a ruthless, vile bad guy, did they want to do that again by giving the statue to Day-Lewis for his sadistic Bill the Butcher? Well, they should have. It’s been five years, which performance do you remember more? Exactly.

(And no, this doesn’t mean I’m redistributing Day-Lewis’ Oscar this year for There Will Be Blood – the guy is the fucking best, If Neeson wasn’t so good in Schindler’s I would’ve given Day-Lewis the Oscar that year for In The Name of The Father too, which is four, what year did Last of the Mohicans come out? Fuck it, give him that one too.)

2003
Nominees:
Johnny Depp -- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Ben Kingsley -- House of Sand and Fog
Jude Law -- Cold Mountain
Bill Murray -- Lost in Translation
Sean Penn -- Mystic River

Did Win: Penn
Should’ve Won: Penn

Sean Penn won this competition handily in 2003, and he wins again handily here. I do love Murray’s performance and think it might be the pinnacle of his career, Groundhog’s Day notwithstanding, but he can’t touch Penn. He actually can’t come within a mile of Penn, the best performance of the decade by someone not named Day-Lewis.

(Also, can someone please explain to me why people consider Jude Law to be a great actor? He’s average at best. Have you seen Cold Mountain? You know what separates average actors from good actors and good actors from great actors? The ability to think without looking like you’re thinking. With Hanks you can always tell his character is thinking, with Jude you can always tell that Jude is thinking about what the character must be thinking. Does that make sense? In Cold Mountain, Jude’s face basically says “what does sad look like in the mountains?” for a solid two hours. Jude was great in Ripley, but in retrospect, doesn’t that seem like it was mostly Jude just being Jude?)

2004
Nominees:
Don Cheadle -- Hotel Rwanda
Johnny Depp -- Finding Neverland
Leonardo DiCaprio -- The Aviator
Clint Eastwood -- Million Dollar Baby
Jamie Foxx -- Ray

Did Win: Foxx
Should’ve Won: Foxx

Wow. Huge year. 5 legitimate studs, 5 fucking awesome performances. I’m tempted to go DiCaprio or Cheadle here, because I love them both and they both give their best performances so far, but I don’t think anyone can top Jamie Foxx.

2005
Nominees:
Philip Seymour Hoffman -- Capote
Terrence Howard -- Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger -- Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix -- Walk the Line
David Strathairn -- Good Night, and Good Luck

Did Win: Hoffman
Should Win: Phoenix

WOW! Now this is a massive, massive year with five fantastic performances, including three for the records books with Heath, Hoffman and Joaquin. Considering that this year also had Viggo in History of Violence, Ralph Fiennes in The Constant Gardener and Eric Bana in Munich, the argument could be made that this was the strongest year for male lead performances in the last 50 years and maybe ever. With that said, I’m going against the grain here a little by taking the Oscar away from Hoffman (who is lights fucking out fantastic) and giving the award to Phoenix, b/c I think his role has aged a bit better and ultimately was just more of a physical achievement. (BTW, if I write this column tomorrow I may give it to Heath, and a few days later change my mind again and give it to Viggo or Bana – 2005 is just that good).

2006
Nominees:
Leonardo DiCaprio -- Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling -- Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole -- Venus
Will Smith -- The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker -- The Last King of Scotland

Did Win: Whitaker
Should’ve Won: McAvoy

The strongest year for male leads is followed by one of the weakest. Honestly, there isn’t a really memorable performance on this list. Whitaker gives the best here, but to be honest, doesn’t even give the best performance in his own movie, so I’m really going against the grain here and giving the award to Forest’s co-star in the Last King of Scotland, James McAvoy. I like Forest, everyone likes Forest, and he finally found a role where his lazy eye could be used as a plot device, but I can’t get past the fact that this feels more like a lifetime achievement award than a recognition of excellence. Besides, McAvoy absolutely carries that movie from the first shot to the last, conveying more hope, intelligence and terror on his face than most actors (I’m speaking to you Mr. Law) do in a lifetime. Fantastic performance.

2007
Nominees:
George Clooney -- Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis -- There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp -- Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones -- In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen -- Eastern Promises

Did Win: Day-Fucking-Lewis
Should Win: Day-Fucking-Lewis

Fun year, four of the best actors up against one of the best ever. Sorry gang, but there’s a reason people don’t like playing Michael Jordan, tackling Barry Sanders or trying to out-cunt Catherine Zeta Jones.

Best Actor Do Over (Part I)

Best Acting Oscar Do Over Part I

I caught a few minutes of Saving Private Ryan the other day and was thinking to myself, “this is by far and away Tom Hanks’ best performance.” Yes, he was fantastic in Forrest Gump, Apollo 13, Big, Cast Away and Philadelphia (look at the fucking list! What a career this guy has had – incredible), but nothing can compare to SPR. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that the scene after Giovanni Ribisi is killed and Hanks sneaks off to cry in that ravine is the best acted moment of all time (see, this is why it’s fun to have a blog – you can make bold, somewhat unfounded statements that are given some sense of validity b/c it’s in print and you idiots read it. Anyway…). Hanks didn’t win an Oscar for that role, the weird Italian dude that basically raped 16 people on the way to the podium won for Life Is Beautiful (do you ever notice how being European provides you a total get out of jail free card in the US? “He’s not an asshole, he’s just French.” “Well, my landlord probably shouldn’t take a dump in my mailbox, but what can you do? He’s Polish.” If we tried to pull that shit over there we get our asses kicked, but over here it’s a “cultural difference.” Crazy.)

Now, let’s take nothing away from the groping Italian, great performance in a great movie, but better than Tom in SPR? No fucking chance. I don’t think many people would argue that point, so why didn’t Tom take it home? Three reasons:

1) The Oscars aren’t scientific – people are asked to measure something that can’t really be measured – the wisdom of crowds plays in here and momentum and buzz can definitely swing the vote in someone’s favor
2) Great artists inevitably end up competing mostly with themselves – Hanks had already won twice, so regardless of how good he was in SPR, are they really ready to make him a three-time winner?
3) Extension of point 2, the Oscars are highly political and the best person doesn’t always win. Case in point, Hanks won the Oscar in 1993 for Philadelphia when Liam Neeson was far, far, far superior in Schindler’s List. However, Hanks was an industry favorite who’d been around forever and stretched his range considerably with Philadelphia; that equals an Oscar nine times out of ten, regardless of merit. This gets the Oscars into trouble sometimes though, flash forward to 1998, Hanks should’ve won for SPR, but they can’t give it to him b/c they already gave him one five years ago for a lesser role. And round and round and round it goes…

With that said, let’s take a look back at every best acting Oscar from the last 15 years (starting in 1993 and moving forward), take the politics out of it and redistribute the Oscars accordingly.


1993
Nominees:
Daniel Day-Lewis -- In the Name of the Father
Laurence Fishburne -- What's Love Got to Do with It
Tom Hanks -- Philadelphia
Anthony Hopkins -- The Remains of the Day
Liam Neeson -- Schindler's List

Did Win: Hanks
Should’ve Won: Neeson

Liam in a landslide. When was the last time you watched Schindler’s List? I own this movie and try to throw it in once a year or so, an incredible experience from start to finish that is absolutely carried by Liam. Lots of good performances on this list including the aforementioned Hanks who is absolutely fantastic, but no one can top Liam this year.

(Also, side note, let’s take Hopkins off the list (when he was in his prime Lecter, “nominate me or I’ll fucking eat your face bones” phase and give Bill Murray in Groundhog’s Day the final nomination. Thanks)

1994
Nominees:
Morgan Freeman -- The Shawshank Redemption
Tom Hanks -- Forrest Gump
Nigel Hawthorne -- The Madness of King George
Paul Newman -- Nobody's Fool
John Travolta -- Pulp Fiction

Did Win: Hanks
Should’ve Won: Hanks

Crazy, crazy year, with three of the most rewatchable movie of all time - Pulp, Shawshank and Forrest - all up for best pic (little did TBS know how much cash they’d one day make from the 1994 movie year). My heart pulls a little to Freeman, whose performance gets better and better as the years go on, but Hanks rightfully wins this one. A perfect movie for Hanks to win his first Oscar – has an actor in history ever been able to move back and forth between comedy and drama as well as him? This performance is the absolute apex of that.

1995
Nominees:
Nicolas Cage -- Leaving Las Vegas
Richard Dreyfuss -- Mr. Holland's Opus
Anthony Hopkins -- Nixon
Sean Penn -- Dead Man Walking
Massimo Troisi -- Il Postino

Did Win: Cage
Should’ve Won: Cage

I can’t stand Cage’s head and am tempted to give this to Penn, but I know how much better he was in Mystic River so am fine waiting a few years and besides, Cage really does knock this role out of the park. I’m always wary of roles that scream “Oscar!” – b/c I think the Academy has a tendency to reward the role over the performance sometimes (this peaked in 1999 when Hilary Swank won for Boys Don’t Cry over the far superior Annette Bening in American Beauty) – however, Cage is worthy here, eliciting empathy and disdain in equal measure.

(Also, side tangent, Mr. Holland’s Opus is one of the dumbest movies of all time – I hate, hate, HATE this movie. I can’t believe Dreyfuss got nominated for this cheesy pile of drool. Really? He’s better than Hanks in Apollo 13? Better than Morgan Freeman in Seven? Better than Denzel in Crimson Tide? Better than Pacino or De Niro in Heat? Or De Niro again in Casino? What a fucking stupid nomination.)

1996
Nominees:
Tom Cruise -- Jerry Maguire
Ralph Fiennes -- The English Patient
Woody Harrelson -- The People vs. Larry Flynt
Geoffrey Rush -- Shine
Billy Bob Thornton -- Sling Blade

Did Win: Rush
Should’ve Won: Rush

Strange year, strange films, none of them particularly memorable, good performances on this list but nothing earth shattering. I still think Rush should win even though his performance is more of a supporting role.

1997
Nominees:
Matt Damon -- Good Will Hunting
Robert Duvall -- The Apostle
Peter Fonda -- Ulee's Gold
Dustin Hoffman -- Wag the Dog
Jack Nicholson -- As Good as It Gets

Did Win: Jack
Should’ve Won: Duvall

Now this is a powerhouse year; 4 legends and 1 upstart who has since proven to be one of the best in his generation. As great as Jack was in this movie and in every movie for that matter, this performance hasn’t aged as well as it should have. Parts of the movie seem a bit contrived and the chemistry between him and Hunt falls flat at times. On the other side, you have Duvall, who gives one of the most electric, intense, complicated performances in the last 15 years. Dark, driven, manic, he’s off his fucking ass in this movie.

1998
Nominees:
Roberto Benigni -- Life Is Beautiful
Tom Hanks -- Saving Private Ryan
Ian McKellen -- Gods and Monsters
Nick Nolte -- Affliction
Edward Norton -- American History X

Did Win: Benigni
Should’ve Won: Hanks

Now, with everything I’ve said about Hanks you’d think this would’ve been an easy call, but its actually one of the more difficult due to the absolute brilliance of Norton in American History X. An absolute transformation, it’s one of those performances that are so good it forever changes the way you look at the actor, once someone has scared you that much, like Hopkins in Lambs, a piece of that role always stays with you – do you know what I mean? Anyway, Norton is fucking fantastic and Benigni, even though he proved to be an annoying little homunculus after he won, is devastating in Life, but Hanks is just too good in Ryan. He deservingly gets his second Oscar.

1999
Nominees:
Russell Crowe -- The Insider
Richard Farnsworth -- The Straight Story
Sean Penn -- Sweet and Lowdown
Kevin Spacey -- American Beauty
Denzel Washington -- The Hurricane

Did Win: Spacey
Should’ve Won: Spacey

This is another tough one, I didn’t like the Insider when I saw it for the first time, but caught it again recently and was totally blown away by how brilliant Crowe is in this movie. He’s such a fucking dickwad that we forget how ridiculously talented he is, and he’s lights out here. Penn is also incredible in Lowdown, a criminally underrated performance in a criminally underrated movie. However, we’ve got career-defining performances for these two gentlemen coming up in a few years, so I’m comfortable skipping them here. Spacey is brilliant in American Beauty, another movie that has aged fantastically well. I tend to undervalue his performance in this movie sometimes b/c I really feel that Annette Bening is the heart and soul of the film and the fact that she didn’t win (losing to Swank as I mentioned above) somehow rubbed off on my appraisal of Spacey’s performance (does this make sense or do I need help?) Anyway, Spacey is picture perfect in this movie – honestly he doesn’t even need to appear on screen, his narration is so good and tells you so much about the character that he’d win the Oscar just for that.

Coming Tomorrow: Part II

A few A&Ms...

Apple
So I’m holding a handful of nuts (that’s what she said) and blindly popping them into my mouth. It’s about 3pm, I’m hungry and some cashews, almonds and peanuts are really hitting the spot. And then outta nowhere. CRACK! What the fuck? A shell. A motherfucking pistachio shell. Who the fuck puts pistachio’s in the mix of nuts? I’m going to answer that for you. The new girl they hired at the front desk. I respect her ambition and thank her for keeping us fat and happy at work (stupid mini Snickers) but maybe we mix the nuts the normal way. Without pistachios. This is what irks me today.


Moustache
Our new favorite joke, between Jericho and myself, is IMing each other Rick Reily’s latest column on ESPN hoping to get the other guy to click on the link. His articles are always the most schmaltzy, exploitative, cheesy pile of shit ever written. And it just gets worse from there. Seriously, try reading more than 4 sentences without throwing up in your mouth a little. So we hide the link, we rename the descriptor, anything it takes to get the other guy to open the article. Yep. That’s how we pass the time at work.


Apple
Ouch. Baron Davis bailed on the final year of his contract and won’t be with the Warriors next season. I don’t get it. Somebody explain this to me. He was guaranteed $17.8M this year. He can’t possibly think he will get more from someone. And if it’s all about the championship that’s not fair either. The Warriors are lining up a solid squad this year. Pick up a big free agent and they could be a serious contender. Oh well. Good times Boom Diddy. Time to usher in the Monta Ellis era.


Moustache
What is it about using the toilet in a public restroom that makes you always flush before you go? I mean, you’re just gonna mess it up again anyways. Why do we feel the need to make sure our excrement is received in only the cleanest, untainted and pristine toilet water possible? Or is that just me? I’m over sharing again aren’t I?


Apple
One of my Fantasy Football leagues is drafting in Vegas this year. The question won’t be who is the most hungover or who lost the most gambling the night before the draft. The real question will be the same as any other year. How long will the draft take? We average about 6-8 hours a draft easily. Last year’s draft took 9 hours. (Armand literally took 45 minutes in the 8th round to pick Greg Jennings. But what was anyone gonna do about it? Armand looks like a cross between Ving Rhames and that big fucker Vin Diesel.) And that was when we were crammed into someone’s living room. So what happens when we’re surrounded with the sins of Vegas? Over/Under is 10.5 hours. Shit. I’m gonna need a lot of dirty magazines.


Moustache
Sweet. The Bachelorette “the men tell all” episode was tonight. And DeAnna put on a few pounds. But not like a casual few. A hefty handful. I bet a few of those dudes let out a sigh of relief when they saw her. Sure, she can keep it nice and tidy when the cameras are rolling but when the show’s over she doubled down more than a few times at the dessert bar. Why did this make me so happy? I’m not quite sure.

Side note: The ‘tell all’ episode of The Bachelor or Bachelorette show is so stupid. They always play it at the worst time too…one week before the finale. So you have to wait a whole week to see the final episode. It’s the equivalent of the NFL making you watch the punt, pass and kick competition on Super Bowl Sunday and then playing the game the following weekend. And yes, I did just compare the Bachelor with the NFL. Drink it in Simmons.


Apple
The Giants got horse cocked tonight. Zito dropped to 3-12. Who cares? We’re still fucking cooler than the Mariners. And Lincecum is making a serious case to start the NL All-Star game. And fuck you Cubs. I hope you’re cursed for another 135 years. Damn I love the Giants.


Moustache
Damn. New pictures of Jessica Simpson on the beach with Tony Romo. And she’s sporting a teeny tiny bikini. God bless the paparazzi. Check them out here.



*

Box Office Recap: 6/30/08

1.
Wall-E
Actual: $63 million

2.
Wanted
Actual: $51 million

Was a little too busy to post predictions last week, but still wanted to do a quick recap and make a few observations on the box office as we wrap up June and head into July.

- Another Pixar movie, another metacritic score in the 90s, another $60+ opening. Just incredible. Pixar is kind of like Radiohead, they’ve been so good for so long that every time they put out an album you think, “Ok, maybe this is the one that will suck.” But it never happens; they hit everything out of the park. What's more, Pixar has officially entered the “Spielberg zone” – when you see a trailer for a movie, if it starts with something to the effect of, “from the mind of Steven Spielberg," you immediately know it’ll be good and want to see it. Think about the way Wall-E was marketed, no dialogue, no story really, just a cute little robot chirping around picking up garbage – and it still opens with $60+. What an amazing brand.

- Wanted opened with a massive, massive $51 – making back 2/3 of its $75 million budget on the first weekend and also registering: the 2nd biggest non #1 opening weekend of all time and the 7th highest opening for an R rated movie. Major numbers from a movie that no one really knew what to make of a few weeks back. Also, all the talk so far this summer has been about Iron Man and Indiana – but how about Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie? With Wanted as well as Dark Knight (Freeman, looking like a sure bet for $250+) and Fuck You Panda (Jolie, currently at $180 and holding strong) – they look like they’ll have the biggest summers for an actor and an actress, crazy, huh? Morgan Freeman has really had an amazing career; do you realize that Wanted and Dark Knight will be his 11th and 12th $100 million films? To put that in perspective, Murphy, Ford and Hanks, the three biggest stars in terms of overall domestic box office, have 13, 11 and 15 $100 million films respectively. In any list of top box office stars of all time, Freeman is right there – crazy.

A couple of things I’m wondering:
- Will Indy eventually top Iron Man for biggest movie of the summer? It looked definite a few weeks ago but Indy is slowing down
- Will Hancock be a bigger hit than Batman?
- Will Batman be the last movie of the summer to cross $150 million? Look at the release schedule post Dark Knight – pretty weak.
- Is Angelina a bigger overall star than Brad? I think the difference between them is pretty negligible, but the Oscar might push the debate in Angelina’s favor…

Indy update:

Indy 4
Production: $185
Marketing / distribution: $115
Total Budget: $300
Worldwide Gross to Date: $713
Net Profit: $413

The Players:
Paramount: $139
Ford: $91
Spielberg: $91
Lucas: $91

Apples and Moustaches

Apple
New rule! US Weekly magazines need to be mailed in that protective black plastic that the Penthouse sits in at liquor stores. I’m convinced our mailman is stealing our US Weekly. And it’s bullshit. He’s probably curious about the details of Ruben Studdard’s upcoming nuptials. But I can’t blame him. Who isn’t?


Moustache
Michael Beasely will never win an NBA championship. And you can quote me on that.


Apple
My life used to be in the ad agency world. Now I’ve switched to the client side. This Friday I have a meeting at my old agency to see if they’d be a good fit to do our TV commercials. I imagine this is how Omar Vizquel felt when he returned to Cleveland last night. You think they’ll be expecting the squeeze bunt from me in the 8th to win the game?


Moustache
We saw ‘Be Kind Rewind’ last night. Great concept for a movie. And Jack Black was perfect to have act out a bunch of different movie roles. But overall it was a terrible movie. It just didn’t know what it wanted to be. A comedy or a drama or a period piece or a feel good story about sticking to your roots. Just a terrible movie. And doesn’t Danny Glover live in San Francisco? I can’t tell if that’s cool or not.


Apple
Skip Kevin Love, OJ Mayo, DJ Augustin and Joe Alexander. If I’m in the top 10 I want Eric Gordon. A pure scorer in the mold of Juan Dixon and Stephen Curry. Wait, Dixon was only good in college and Curry is still in college. See? That’s what you get when you listen to my thoughts on the NBA. Bring back illegal defense!


Moustache
Has anyone seen The Strangers? The fucked up movie with Liv Tyler? You couldn’t pay me to see it. I wouldn’t sleep for a week. I’m just curious if it was as scary as the trailer made it out to be. I’m looking forward to seeing Hancock. I’ll see anything with Will Smith in it. Great theory with movies like Ali and Pursuit of Happiness. Terrible theory for Hitch. I’m willing to risk the $10.50 on this one though.


Apple
Anyone seen this article about Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend? Yeah, homeboy is fucked. What aggravates you the most here? The fact that he duped millionaires into thinking he had ties to the Vatican? The fact that he got to slap her biggens around at will or the stupid smile he has in that picture? I’m going with the last one. What a smug son-of-a-bitch.


Moustache
If video killed the radio star then what happened when the MP3 came along? Why did Candace Cameron marry an NHL all-star, the Olsen twins develop a billion dollar empire and Jodie Sweeden wound up a chubby meth addict? Why, no matter what the temperature, do my balls stick to the side of my leg? These are the questions that keep me up at night.


Apple
Conor Oberst is at Bottom of the Hill on Saturday August 2nd. Who’s coming with me?


Moustache
The Love Guru with Mike Myers has bombed at the box office. The biggest debate between Jericho and myself right now is what his reaction might be. Jericho thinks Myers has secluded himself from any human contact and is suicidal. I think he’s got his feet kicked up sipping a double pina colada and laughing every time he’s tricked another person into seeing such a stupid movie. No doubt JT is crying though. But he has Jessica Biel’s breasts to comfort him in his time of humiliation.


Apple
Graham going home on the Bachelorette was a fucking travesty. But you know what? He was just being himself. And I respect that. Most dudes on that show absolutely sell out at the drop of a hat. “What’s that Deanna? You like purple-laced napkins too? I was just telling my mother the same thing. How weird.” Graham flat out told this chick “Yup. That’s who I am.” For once a dude decided to be himself.

Life as a cowboy

I went away this weekend. Boy, I tell ya…I went a ways away this weekend. I packed some jeans, my most western looking shirt and my thousand dollar designer cowboy boots and went on a helluva adventure. I went to a dude ranch.


10 observations from my weekend at a dude ranch.


1. I’m not as tough as I think I am. And you know what? You’re not as tough you think you are either. The dudes who worked at this ranch, who wrangled the horses and led the adventure expeditions…these were real cowboys. These guys kill rattlesnakes with their bare hands, chase and catch wild pigs on foot (both witnessed this weekend) and if they need a beer they unleash their 12 foot cocks to go fetch it for them. (not witnessed this weekend...but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.)


2. Everything is quoted in beers. How long will this horse ride last for? About 5 beers. How long before we get back to the lodge? About 2-3 beers. How much longer will this post be? About 1 more beer. But drink quickly.*


3. Sure, I might not be able to drink like I’m 22 anymore (thank God) but when the Maker’s comes out I’ll put the kids to bed. Believe that.


4. Shooting a shotgun is exhilarating. But it leaves a motherfucker of a bruise. It’s one of those bruises that I’m proud of though. I’m not gonna lie, when I was at the bathroom today during work, I lifted my sleeve to check it out again. It kinda looks like the top of Gorbachev’s head.


5. Coors Light is quite possibly the best beer for a dude ranch. It’s the trifecta of beverages. Light, refreshing and super easy to pound. It also blends in perfectly with clothing when you spill it. It’s like the Kate Hudson of beers. You wouldn’t mind having one around all the time.


6. Sunburned lips suck real bad.


7. A rule even I knew…don’t take your BMW to the country. It’s a given…or so I thought. We aren’t in Kansas anymore Dorothy. You’ll be forging rivers (city kid talk) which are actually small streams (country talk) and the BMW just isn’t gonna make it. Our lesbian car (Honda C-RV) however handled like a true champion. The ROI on the lesbian car purchase has definitely been achieved.


8. Not bringing Patch was the right call. Sure, he would have looked adorable with a little red bandana tied around his neck but between the coyotes, the 12-guage target practice and the stomping horses Patch would’ve been in for a rough ride. Plus, they grow ‘em big in the country. The cats on the ranch were easily twice his size.


9. Horseback riding is incredible but be warned. Afterwards your inner crotchel area will hurt real bad for days and days. Not your crotch or your choate per se, but like the inner leg/crotch/balls area. For the sake of argument let’s just stick with inner crotchel.


10. Words you can’t say while at a dude ranch: sparkles, berry, ouch, tickle, bunny rabbit, snickerdoodle or rumpelstilsken. Not that I tried or anything.



*Apples and Moustaches do not condone drinking and driving. However, Apples and Moustaches absolutely condone shot gunning, beer bonging, and flip cup while operating a slip and slide.

**You wanna see where boys become men and men become cowboys? Check out RS- Guest Ranch. Now man up lady boy and click that link!



_

Good morning

Pardon me while I dust off the keyboard and stretch the 1s and 2s. It’s been far too long and I apologize. Luckily Jericho has kept us alive with his riveting box office recaps, predictions and otherwise foolhardy movie statistics. Me on the other hand? I’ve been working. I know it’s a bullshit excuse. It’s one of the main reasons we actually started this blog. (Besides money, chicks and the free red rope licorice of course.) To have an escape during the work day for us, for our friends and for the perverts who just check our blog hoping to find pics like the one Jericho recently posted of Adriana Lima. (see below). Decent.

But I’m back. Our man date was sweet. Resident dingle berry KK got engaged. The Giants are up and down. Bill Simmons has successfully removed his proverbial floating ribs. I bought a Lotto scratcher and won $25 bucks. My brother moved to Seattle. Last Saturday I watched 8 consecutive episodes of Intervention. The city is uncomfortably hot right now. Football is so close my trick knee is acting up. And I ate 9 hard boiled eggs yesterday. So now you’re up to speed on what’s what with me. How are you doing?

As you know, every morning I read the sports page. It helps get my day moving if you catch my drift. But I haven’t been completely honest with you. It’s not just the sports page. I also can’t really get going without reading Dear Abby. Call it my inner Jewish woman but I have to check in to read the average American’s quandaries and some old bag’s canned responses. I can’t explain it. I’m sure there is a correlation with my mother’s fascination with retelling disturbing real-life stories but that’s for my therapist to figure out. (side note: I don’t have a therapist. But the thought seemed to end better by saying so. I also never won $25 bucks on a Lotto scratcher as I eluded to earlier. I secretly hope that by lying about scratchers it will turn my sports gambling fortunes around. You see, I bet on the Celtics to cover the 4.5 points – killed it – and also bet the under at 191.5. What the fuck? The Celtics almost scored 191 themselves. I got greedy. Never parlay. Start small. Get some confidence. Then blow your load. I’m horrible at sports betting.)

Where was I? Ah yes. Dear Abby. Why do I bring this up today? Well because today the questions and answers were just too much for me to handle. Usually there’s a question about what sort of fountain pen a woman should use when responding to her friend’s son’s 5-year old’s kindergarten graduation brunch invitation. And Abby responds, delicately, appropriately and with a bit of a lesson along the way. It’s the equivalent of calling your mother every morning. But not today. Today was so ridiculous, the questions were so contrived and the responses so dated I had to chime in.

Let the chiming begin.

These are actual questions from today’s paper…with my responses. I hope the folks asking are listening. Because my time is valuable.

Dear Abby: Summer begins today, and many parents are wondering how to keep their children entertained. I have a simple answer: Visit your local Library. Most libraries offer summer programs for kids that not only encourage them to read, but also provide access to wonderful educational opportunities. My children are excited to be part of the library’s summer program, and I am thrilled that they have something to look forward to.

BOOK MOM IN TEXAS

Dear Book Mom: Dude, wake up and smell the paint fumes. Your kids aren’t thrilled to go the library this summer. They’re thrilled for you to drop them off so little Billy can take whip-its in the parking lot with the older kids and little Suzie can update her Facebook profile with provocative self pics she took in the bathroom. I bet you also think your husband is thrilled when you decide to wear the yellow nightgown instead of the teal nightgown. Actually he’s most thrilled when you’re out running errands so he can pull one off in peace while indulging his sick ear hole fetish online. Enjoy your summer. And K.I.T. – Magglio

Dear Abby: I have two children under the age of 11. When they address adults I have taught them to preface it with “Ms.” or “Mr.” We consider it a form of respect, and although I realize that each parent has her (or his) own take on this, it has begun to bother me when the neighborhood children address us by our firt names. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? WONDERING IN MICHIGAN

Dear Ms. Wondering: No, you’re right to make a big deal out of this. You’re also right to make a big deal when one of the children leaves a dish out, has a spot on their t-shirt or doesn’t put their Transformers away. Next time one of those ornery neighborhood kids comes over, try a little dish washing liquid in their morning cereal. That’ll show them. Then when they’re doubled over with the shits ask them to call you daddy. No, mister daddy. Now do you feel like a grown-up? You dumb bitch. – Mr. Magglio

Happy Friday everyone.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.