Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Since You've Been Gone...





Dear Jericho –

I realize you’ve only been gone for about 48 hours but so many things have happened I thought I’d pen a letter. I spent the most time trying to figure out what song should be playing while you read this letter. I wanted the music to signify importance like the end of a Growing Pains episode when Mike Seaver and his trusty side kick Boner realize that even though they didn’t come in first place they learned a valuable lesson along the way. Not sure what that song should be. But you get the idea. I also know for a fact, that when you’re reading this, the edges of the screen (the audience's TV screen mind you) will be slightly cloudy like a glamor shot taken at a mid range mall portrait studio.

Here's what's been going on since you've been gone....

I watched “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee”:
Dude, this was a great movie. If Robin Wright Penn doesn’t get nominated then it proves I don’t know shit about the Oscars. And Blake Lively turns in a surprisingly good performance, not to mention there’s a great sequence where she gets spanked while dressing up in different ‘Halloween’ costumes. Totally fucking hot. While I really enjoyed the movie I have to say two things threw me off

1) Keanu Reeves. Yes. Keanu Reeves is in the movie and at one point wears a t-shirt that just says ‘What?’ on it. Almost too good to be true. But it is true. I paused the movie just to be sure. And...

2) There’s some fuzzy math going on where Blake Lively dates Alan Arkin and then they fast forward in time and Robin Wright Penn is the older version of Blake Lively now married to Alan Arkin and we’re supposed to believe it all just works. Sound confusing? It is. Enough that I again had to pause the movie and try to do some quick math about everyone’s ages before my wife finally told me to just go with it and press play. So I pressed play. But it still irks me today.


I watched "Pirate Radio":
Great movie. I can’t tell if the fact that I went 2 for 2 on good movies says more about my ability to easily be entertained or more about the quality of the 2 movies I saw. Doesn’t matter. This is Phillip Seymour Hoffman as we love and know him. Not ‘Boogie Nights’ PSH which will never again exist, but 'Almost Famous' PSH. Funny, Confident while still being aware of his girth, engaging, charming…he was perfect. You gotta see this movie. I think you’d really like it. (That goes for you too Dad. This movie is right up your ally. Great music and hot chicks. Sorry though, no nudity).


Chargers, Colts, Saints, Vikings, Update:
Let me see if I can break this down for you. The Chargers are peaking at the perfect time. The Colts benched Peyton and chose to slow their peak which practically gave Chris Berman a hemorrhoid on national TV. Saints are imploding right before our eyes and the Vikings have now realized what it means to have 46-year old Brett Favre as your quarterback this late in the season. Oh yeah, the Seahawks still fucking suck. I'm putting money down on the Packers.


Your Fantasy Championship game:
First, the bad news. You lost by about 15 points. Now the good news. You had no business making it this far anyways. We both know that. You started Devonne Bess in the championship game for fuck’s sake. Desean played like Desean and Gore did the best he could be let’s be honest, your team sucked. Congrats on 2nd place. Now we have to take a whole off-season of listening to Moody’s dumbass gloat.


JP’s Birthday next year:
We came up with a KILLER idea for Jammy Pants' birthday next year…wait for it….The Maui Invitational! Boom. They just announced that Washington will be participating next year and it’s the week of Thanksgiving which is also her birthday week. What could be better? Hawaii? Huskies? Patch in a bikini? Get ready buddy.


In Burges:
Great movie posts last week. The chatter has been fantastic. I still get people sending me emails and IM’s wanting to talk about your list. Little do they know I had nothing to do with it besides agreeing with your number 1 pick. As you know, you need to watch In Burges when you get back and let our readers know what you think. Not only did one of our readers, Bryan, deem it the best movie in the history of the uinverse but KK practically gave him a written hummer by confirming that it was a good movie. Remember how much KK loves Colin Farrell? Man KK can be such a pussy sometimes.


Caity being Caity:
Caity still hasn’t sent in her new post. I think she’s dooshing again. Or Tahoe finally figured out where Atlanta is and they’re making loud, drunken monkey love now. Gross.


I miss you fag. There, I said it.

xoxo, Magglio




III

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A&M's Top 50 Movies of The Decade (part 6)


Earlier today: #10-2
Yesterday: #20-11
Monday: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41


Without further ado, the best movie of the decade is:

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
As I’ve mentioned a few times during these posts, Romadramedies (romance + comedy + drama) are by far and away my favorite type of movie, and Eternal Sunshine is the best representative of the genre. Funny, achingly sad, philosophical, sweet, horrifying, the amount of emotions that this film entails, and the amount of places this screenplay takes you inside your own head are too numerous too name. Now, I fully admit that this movie is weird, maybe it tries a little too hard at times, maybe the director gets a little too clever with some of the visuals, but when you break this down and realize that everything that happens visually is a metaphor for what is happening emotionally, well, it just fucking works. Add in career-defining performances from Winslet and Carrey and no film this decade had a more complete package.

I’ve spent way too much time ruminating on and deconstructing the central metaphor in a somewhat futile attempt to figure out what each of the visual elements mean and how this ties back to the overall theme. There’s way too much going on here to go through, so let’s talk about the big, big takeaways:

1) We need our pain. I can’t remember who it was, but I once heard someone say that we “are the sum of our experiences.” This isn’t just the happy stuff either; it’s the whole package, the mundane, the embarrassing, the hurtful, the proud, the sad, the sexy, the salacious. If we take one thing off that list, we change forever.

2) By far the most painful moment of a breakup is the revelation that the other person has completely moved on even though you still hurt. The fights, the lies, the accusations, all of that fucking sucks. But it’s knowing that you still need them and they don’t need you that hurts more than anything.

3) To quote my favorite director who left his wife for one of his Asian stepchildren, “the heart wants what it wants.” Love is not only emotional and physical, it’s physiological, biological and a shit fucking ton of other words that end in ogical.

4) How we see our past changes based on our current perspective. If you’ve ever kept a journal or a diary inevitably you’ve had that moment where you’ve looked back at something you’ve written and said to yourself, “what the fuck was I thinking? Who the shit is this person?” Memories are the same way. When we look back at a certain event or time, we are doing so as the person we are now, the person we were then has grown, changed, had new experiences. After a certain amount of time passes, you can’t objectively look back at a failed relationship as a singular event frozen in time because too much has happened and the memory has evolved.

And those are just the hors d’oeuvres. There is so much more going on above and below the surface that I could spend months and another 10,000 words breaking this film down. Intelligent, interesting, perfect, every time I throw this in it feels fresh, I notice something new I hadn’t seen before, giving me something else to chew on. And that, along with a host of other reasons, is why Eternal Sunshine is A&M’s top movie of the decade.

Thanks for following along, everyone. Happy Holidays.



JR

A&M Top 50 Movies of The Decade (part 5)


Yesterday: #20-11
Monday: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41


10. Gladiator

I have a funny relationship with Gladiator. I really, really liked it in the theater, but didn’t love it. I got the DVD randomly for Christmas one year, watched it a few times, liked it but didn’t love it, stuck it on the shelf for a while and forgot about it. But then the imitators started coming out, big budget, super-hyped movies like Troy, Kingdom of Heaven and 300, and they all sucked big fat donkey dicks, especially Troy which was like a trip to a butt-fucking dentist. Anyway, I saw all these movies and kept saying to myself, “fuck, Gladiator was so much fucking better.” So I revisited the movie, watched it a few more times and now I can appreciate not just how good it is, but how difficult it is for a movie like that to be a great movie. The cards are stacked against it from the beginning, but Gladiator is up for the fucking challenge.

9. City of God
Anyone seen this? Probably not, huh? Okay, answer the following question: do you like Good Fellas? Ah, I figured you did. What if I told you that City of God was essentially the Brazilian version of Good Fellas? Interested now? I thought so. What’s that? You want to show your gratitude by blowing me? No, no, that’s thoughtful, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it, but honestly, just knowing that maybe I convinced a few of you twats to skip The Ugly Truth and reach for something artistic, something meaningful, oh who am I kidding, go ahead and suck it.

8. The Truman Show
I watch Jim Carrey act in this movie with my jaw on the floor; how the fuck does he do that? There is so much fucking talent in that man’s body it’s amazing that he hasn’t spontaneously combusted like the drummer in Spinal Tap. Twisted, dark, funny, endearing, honest, great acting, great direction and one of the better original screenplays of all time, The Truman show is also one of the most thought provoking concepts of all time. How crazy is it to think that when this movie came out, reality TV was just a phenomenon and not a staple of everyday life like it is now? How long until a TV station adopts a baby and puts every second of his life on TV? Ten years ago that seemed absurd, sci fi even. Now, with shows like “So You Think You Can Dance With a Monkey” and “Neighborhood Proctology” it doesn’t seem that far off, huh? Fucking crazy.

(Note* I just realized that this movie came out in 1998. God fucking damn it. Oh well. If I can write things on this blog like “John Mayer sucked my dick last night and he loved it” without any repercussions, then I can also change the release date of The Truman Show to 2001. Continue.)

7. Wall-E
Pixar has made a shit ton of great movies, in fact they’ve never made a movie that was less than a B+ (Bug’s Life) everything else is in the steady A or A- range. But for me, Wall-E is the best of the whole lot. Amazingly original, thoughtful, beautiful, with a real message about how we live and why. I’m stating the obvious here, but what Pixar does better than anyone else in history is make films that appeal to both kids and adults at the same time. Simple enough, but don’t underestimate how difficult that is. Wall-E is the best example of this, you ask someone aged 5, 15, 25, 35, and 55 what the movie was about and they’ll all give you a different answer. That’s an incredible skill.

6. Brokeback Mountain
Crash winning best picture over Brokeback has slowly evolved into the Bowie over Jordan movie debate of our time. How the fuck did that happen? Was Hollywood simply not ready to crown a gay-themed picture? How is that possible, isn’t that like a group of retards voting for Pulp Fiction over Forrest Gump in 1994? I digress, I’m amazed by how rewatchable this movie is on cable, in fact, I’d go as far to say that this movie has been improved by being on cable, mostly because we get to skip the tent part and that weird “is it gayer to watch or look away?” feeling that every straight man feels during that scene. Whoops, digressed again. Let’s talk about Heath for a second. Heath’s career-defining turn as the Joker has helped make the rest of his resume stronger and more amazing. Watching him in this movie, which we knew at the time was an incredible performance, has only gotten better with his subsequent work. What a fucking talent he was. Sigh.

(Bonus tidbit: one of my favorite all time jokes about Brokeback came from Magglio. We were talking about this movie and how uncomfortable the sex scene is for everyone in the theater and Magglio said, “yeah, it’s crushing everyone. Especially Jake Gyllenhaall.” That still kills me.)

5. The Departed
The highest ranked movie on my list to win best picture, The Departed was ranked in the top 20 on this list before I even saw it. Lurid, tight, unbelievable acting, especially DiCaprio, and a plot that is so dense that it’s still unfolding even though I’ve seen it six or seven times. Great movie. Not sure what else there is to say.

4. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon I imagine this will surprise a few people. I’ve seen a bunch of similar lists come out over the last few weeks and can’t remember seeing this movie once. I fucking LOVE this movie, amazing fight scenes, real emotion, great story line, there’s so much happening right below the surface that might get missed if you’re watching just for the action. The death scene at the end is as moving as anything I’ve ever seen. Rewatch this movie sometime; it deserves it.

3. Almost Famous
Over the last few weeks, as I started to make and remake this list, the following three movies each spent time at #1. I love Almost Famous, it’s just such a well-made movie, perfect length, perfectly paced, perfect music, perfect direction. Eminently rewatchable, fun, enjoyable, sure it’s get a little heavy-handed at times, but it’s a love letter to rock, and love letters are supposed to be heavy-handed.

2. Dark Knight
The greatest action movie of all time; the greatest comic book movie of all time; the greatest villain of all time; the most complex and interesting hero of all time. Does that about sum it up?

Coming later today: the #1 movie of the decade



JR

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A&M's Top Movies of The Decade (part 4)


Today: #20-11
Yesterday: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41


20. Wedding Crashers
Blowjobs and French dips aside, is there anything better than watching a great, R-rated comedy in a packed theater? Everyone’s had a few, everyone’s in a good mood, you laugh at things that you normally wouldn’t and miss parts because the collective laughter is so loud. It’s the best, and I had one of my better movie experiences seeing Wedding Crashers. On a scale of one to ten, how good is the opening montage of wedding clips? A 15? 25? Sure, the wheels fall off the last 35 minutes, but the wedding and the dinner scene are so good we forgive this movie for its digressions. Just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.

19. Cast Away
By far the hardest movie to rank, because of the B- opening, A++++ middle and H ending (yes, H); even if the ending was in the C range, this movie catapults to the top 5, maybe top 2 or 3. It’s captivating on all levels, with Tom Hanks giving one of his best performances (which is saying something). However, when making this list I really tried to rate and review movies as a whole, not being swayed by great moments, scenes or performances. So here we are, #19. Could’ve been so much better.

18. Once
I’ve expressed my love for this little movie on more than one occasion and it’s only gotten better with time. Quiet, slow, thoughtful and true, this movie is completely unassuming and unconventional, showing the characters for who and what they are. The music elevates the movie to a whole new level, providing more than the soundtrack but serving as the emotional center of the film. One of the most rewatchable movies on the list.

17. Anchorman
Are there better movies than Anchorman? Sure. Are there better comedies? Probably. Pound for pound, has there been a funnier, more quotable, more enjoyable movie this decade? Nope.

16. Mystic River
Yes, Million Dollar Baby took home the big trophy, but for my money this was Clint’s best movie this decade. Dark, layered, gritty, hypnotic; with Sean Penn reaching new levels as the guilt-stricken father. The great thing about Clint’s movies: they never try too hard; they are exactly what they are. The indie film movement has given rise to the “holy shit I’m directing!” style of filmmaking, but Clint is an old school, true-to-form storyteller. What a fucking artist. The guy directed 9 movies this decade and they’re all good. Mystic River is the best of the bunch.

15. The Royal Tenenbaums
Yes it’s a little pretentious, precocious and up-its-own-ass-ious, but fuck it’s funny. Member how Gene Hackman made this movie and then disappeared off the planet? I’m torn on Wes Anderson; sometimes it feels like he out thinks himself, as if he’s trying to make every scene original rather than true. This makes movies like The Life Aquatic seem too premeditated, as if Wes is a victim of his style rather than a master of it. With that said however, he’s firing on all cylinders here, creating just the right amount of tension and angst where every moment of pain or torment feels real, and every laugh feels genuine and cathartic.

14. Big Fish
All of the great aspects of Tim Burton’s movies collide with Big Fish. Suddenly the visuals exist for a clear purpose, advancing the story rather than merely enhancing it, if that makes sense. When I walked out of the theater, I knew I loved the movie but wasn’t sure what I was supposed to take from it, what the overall message was supposed to be (and if you can’t tell by this obsessive blog series, that drives me fucking crazy). After a few times on DVD I think I’ve got it: we need to love people on their terms, not ours. People are who they are and exist in their own version of the world, and if we want to truly understand them and love them, we have to enter that world, not force them to enter ours. Not sure if I 100% believe in that myself, but this film does with all its heart which is what makes it so fucking great.

13. There Will Be Blood
When film students dissect the films of our generation 50 years from now, the first name they’ll mention is Paul Thomas Anderson, a true cinematic genius who has done more to advance the medium than anyone else over the last 15 years. Part Scorsese, part Demme and part Tarantino; his movies are atmospheric, creating a mood that is completely specific to that film. Boogie Nights and There Will be Blood are very similar and vastly different at the same time and that’s the best compliment I can give.

12. Munich
Another movie that I didn’t love the first time I saw it, but has slowly and quietly climbed back into my head. Dark, violent and extremely depressing, Munich shows the true effect of “revenge” and how those symptoms permeate and reverberate throughout every aspect of our lives. Like most of you, I was totally thrown by the sex scene at the end, it seemed awkward and gross, but it makes complete sense now. There is no escape, even in the most private, intimate moments of our lives. I’m an unabashed Spielberg fan and with this movie and Schindler’s List (the greatest film ever made in my opinion), he has made two films that will be discussed, debated and devoured forever.

11. Before Sunset
I’m not exactly sure what genre you’d lump this movie into, but whatever that category is, it’s my favorite. Part comedy, part drama, part romance (romadramedy?), this movie asks and attempts to answer the big questions that we all face as we enter our 30s: am I ready to have kids? What is happiness? Do I really know the difference between infatuation and love? Is there a difference? Am I grown up enough to handle growing up? The characters are so well defined and so identifiable that they feel like friends, an amalgamation of everyone I know (which includes myself). Even though it’s a Romadramedy, it has as much suspense as anything else I saw this decade, my heart was beating so fast with anticipation during the “will they or won’t they?” scene at the end, that I thought it was going to leap out of my chest. I’ve seen this movie 10 times since, and that scene still gets me every time.

Coming tomorrow: The Top 10


JR

Monday, December 21, 2009

A&M's Top Movies of The Decade (part 3)



Today: #30-21
Last Friday: #40-31
Last Thursday: Intro and #50-41

30. Stranger Than Fiction
This movie would be higher except for two elements that severely damage its rewatchability: a) the love story is just too implausible, I understand why it’s in there, but it’s too much of a stretch and gets worse on repeat viewings; and b) The Queen. I’m a big admirer of Queen Latifah, she elicits a special breed of terror when she’s on screen, in fact, every time she appears I hear “you don’t fuck wit da Quuuuuuueeeeeeeen” in my head, which is the appropriate response but is ultimately very distasting. With that said however, this movie is so unique and the directing and acting so great and the fast forward button works so well every time the Queen comes on, that this movie belongs right here.

29. Gone Baby Gone
Most movies that rely on a big twist don’t hold up over time, but this one is so much deeper than the big reveal at the end. Great acting, great direction and one of the most haunting closing shots in memory; who knew Ben Affleck had this in him?

28. In The Bedroom
God fucking bless Tom Wilkinson. He makes bad movies watchable and good movies great. This movie is so horrifically sad that it’s hard to take down more than once, but the acting, pacing and writing keep me coming back.

27. Milk
Honestly, Sean Penn is such a moody fuck and speaks with such a clenched jaw, that seeing him kiss a man was less jarring than seeing him smile. I didn’t know he had teeth. Amazing movie. Not sure what else there is to say.

26. Rachel Getting Married Anyone see this? Watching Anne Hathaway in this movie was like watching a rookie QB have his first 300 yard, 3 TD game; you realize you’re watching someone who’s going to be famous for a long, long time. Here’s a name for you, Bill Irwin, the father in the movie, how incredible was that performance? Really excellent film making from the incomparable Jonathan Demme, his name doesn’t get tossed around with the greats but it should, check out his IMDB page sometime. It’s a fucking murderer’s row.

25. Away We Go
Entertainment Weekly’s Lisa Shwarzbaum named Away We Go the second WORST movie of 2009 with this quote, “Go away, you annoyingly smug young parents-to-be with your self-satisfied dissatisfactions and your damn quirks. Scat.” What the fuck? Has she been sucking on an exhaust pipe again? I loved every fucking second of this movie. It’s original, endearing, thoughtful; featuring two people who generally love each other and feel out of place in a world that doesn’t seem to want them in it. Haven’t we all felt that way at some point? Why do romantic comedies have to be quirky and hip to be well received? What about real people with real emotions in real situations? I could live to be 100 and never understand why this movie was swept under the rug. If you, like Lisa S, feel that this movie and the characters don’t like you, then maybe they shouldn’t.

24. Traffic
One of those movies that almost seems a bit too real. Layers upon layers upon layers, all held together by Soderbergh’s brilliant direction and unreal cinematography. I’m torn on Soderbergh, he’s part rogue, part sellout, vacillating between weird little indie experiments and overblown Hollywood movies (honestly how bad were Oceans 12 and 13?), yet doesn’t ever seem entirely comfortable being either. How will we feel about his work 25 years from now? Either way, Traffic will certainly be mentioned in that conversation, a brilliant film from start to finish.

23. No Country For Old Men
I was fucking blown away by this movie when I saw it for the first time. I named it the best movie of 2007 and was, and still am, completely floored by Tommy Lee Jones’ performance. So why isn’t this higher? The ending. Look, I get how original it is, how artistic and all that, but it’s unsatisfying, it just is and I can’t intellectualize myself out of that notion. Following a character that closely for 90 minutes only to have him disappear so ignobly feels cheap. I’m sorry, people-smarter-than-me, it just does. Give me a quick snapshot, a flashback and this movie goes in the top 10, without it, it lives here.

22. Monster’s Ball
Another fucked up movie. What’s wrong with me? Watching it now, with everything that happened to Heath and the mystery surrounding his death, is completely terrifying. Marc Forster, my favorite director right now, started his amazing run with this movie and hasn’t stopped. I mean, the guy showed Halle getting nailed from behind and he somehow made it depressing, that’s talent.

21. The Prestige
I’m guessing this will surprise a few people. The moral question at the center of this movie, about how far people will go for fame, is one of the most fascinating I’ve ever seen in a movie. I’ve spent days rolling this movie around in my head and it just gets better and better each time.

Coming tomorrow: #20-11



JR

Friday, December 18, 2009

A&M's Top 50 Movies of The Decade (part 2)


Today: #40-31
Yesterday:
Intro and #50-41


40. Taken

When this movie ended I sat up in my chair and proclaimed loudly, “greatest movie of all time!” – I was a little excited obviously, but it’s pretty fucking awesome. Literally the most exciting 96 minutes in film history, Liam starts killing people at about the 14-minute mark and doesn’t stop until the movie is over. There’s actually a moment when he pops out of a corner and kills the credits.

39. Old School
Is this the most quotable movie of the decade? How many times have you said “earmuffs” since you saw this? 10? 50? There's some really great comedies on this list with a lot of hysterical scenes, but the part where Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart is the funniest moment of the decade for my money.

38. Constant Gardener
The last scene, with Ralph sitting triumphantly on the beach waiting for his killers to find him, is one of the most moving, touching and achingly sad things I’ve ever seen (come on, you can’t review 50 movies without a little bit of schmaltz). This movie is like a gigantic puzzle that unfolds like so many gigantic puzzles do: one piece at time. Oh fuck you, just rent this, it’s totally fucking tits.

37. History of Violence
I didn’t like this movie the first time I saw it. The violence felt gratuitous, the sex awkward and dirty, the ending weird and completely unsatisfying. But the movie grew on me after repeat viewings and now I appreciate the sly, subtle brilliance in the screenplay. John Hurt, Ed Harris and the sneaky hot Maria Bello are all incredible; but this is Viggo’s show and he fucking kills it (literally, figuratively and vaginally).

36. Closer
This movie is haunting. I haven’t seen it in four years but it’s still with me, a stink I can’t get off, like a bad cigar or “Antonio” the new scent by Antonio Banderas. Four terrible people doing terrible things to each other, yet for some reason you can’t denigrate either character; somehow you’re rooting for each person to succeed and fail at the same time. Writing this makes me want to watch it yet never watch it again.

35. The Aviator
If this movie were 35 minutes shorter, it’d be in the top 10. You’ll notice something about my top 10 when we get there, no film is longer than 2 hours and 20 minutes. You get any longer, and you don’t have Godfather or Shawshank in your title, then I’m not sticking around for the whole thing. Length is a major factor in rewatchability, and The Aviator is just too fucking long. Movies are like erections, if you have one that lasts longer than 2 hours and 20 minutes then you need to hop out of that creepy tub and go find a deer to fuck.

34. Finding Neverland
Sweet, innocent, touching; take the commas out of the beginning of this sentence and you’ve got a recipe for getting arrested on a playground; leave them in, and you’ve got Finding Neverland, a wonderful little movie with two of the biggest stars in history, Depp and Winslet doing their thing. The last hour is a little too obvious and maybe tries a bit too hard, but the overall product is outstanding.

33. Million Dollar Baby
A complete roller coast ride from start to finish; a boxing movie, a buddy movie, a kid from the wrong sides of the track does well movie, a euthanasia movie, a movie about religion, family and loss. In other words, a movie with alotta shit going on. Despite all of that, it’s a movie that loves it characters and gives them time to develop and grow. Clint has been a major star for 50 years, with movies like this, he’ll be famous for another 200.

32. Finding Nemo
Pixar’s most traditional movie in many ways is also one of its best; funny, exciting, scary at parts, really enjoyable from start to finish. Thank God for Pixar, can you imagine what parenthood would be like without Nemo? On a related note, I saw this movie on mushrooms once and couldn’t eat fish for six months afterward.

31. The Hangover
Is it too early to put this movie this high? After a few years and a few more viewings, will we realize that this was decidedly too low? I’m leaning towards the latter and so is Dr. Faggot.



JR

Thursday, December 17, 2009

A&M’s Top 50 Movies of The Decade


Unless you regularly eat soap you’ll see the headline above and know what this post is about, so I won’t spend too much time on the intro, but here are a few things to be cognizant of as you devour this list over the next few days:

- Lists like this, by their very nature, are completely useless, immaterial and stupid. But fuck are they fun to do. I highly recommend it.

- Ranking awesome movies is kind of like ranking Victoria’s Secret models: the top 10 is surprisingly the easiest part; with the bottom being the hardest b/c they are almost entirely based on mood. For me, the top 3 would be some combination of Miranda Kerr, Alessandra Ambrosio and Adriana Lima, and really does it matter who gets the #1 slot? Everyone wins if those three science projects are involved. But who gets the #41 slot? Much harder.

- On a related note, it’s difficult to balance older and newer movies, because the latter is unavoidably top of mind. I really had to go through IMDB to figure this out and have had to start over several times upon realizing a glaring omission.

- Rewatchability is a crucial factor. I really don’t think you can get an idea of how good a movie really is until you are 30 minutes into your 3rd viewing. The first viewing is always deceptive, impacted by hype, preconceived notions, etc; the second is heavily influenced by your lingering feelings from the first; the third, in a weird way, is the only truly unbiased viewing. This weighs heavily into my selection process.

- It’s also important not to let an individual performance affect the way you think about the movie as a whole, which is more difficult than you think. For example, I hate Lost in Translation; fuck that movie. But Bill Murray’s performance is one of the best of the decade, potentially top 5. If I find that movie on cable I always end up watching for a few minutes purely to see him, but quickly flip away when something reminds me how annoying that movie is. Does this make sense? Even if it doesn’t, fuck Lost in Translation.

- No, seriously, FUCK Lost in Translation.

Without further ado, the top 50 in reverse order:

50. The Bourne Ultimatum
The best pure action movie of the decade and possibly one of the most influential, how many movies have we seen since the first Bourne to feature hand-held filmed fight scenes? The Bourne movies were the Pearl Jam of the 90s, everyone wanted to sound like them.

49. Before the Devil Knows Your Dead
This movie came and went without anyone really noticing, but is one of the best suspense movies of the decade with an absolutely killer fucking cast. Hey meatheads, want to see the sneaky hot Marisa Tomei fucked doggy style for 5 minutes? I thought so.

48. Kill Bill
I love these movies, but the excessive dialogue gets a little tedious on repeat viewings. If anything, this movie is a victim of its own success: the action is so good we get impatient waiting for it.

47. The Queen
One of those movies I expected to fully hate and ended up completely riveted (when was the last time you had a good rivet? I highly recommend it.). So much going on in this movie, it has an unexpected depth and density that really carries it forward. The relationship between the monarchy and the government, which is really at the heart of the movie, is absolutely fascinating.

46. 40 Yr Old Virgin
Of the Apatow movies, this one has aged the best and holds up well over repeat viewings. Further proof that Seth Rogen is a fucking force as a supporting player and a C- as a leading man.

45. Little Miss Sunshine
Another highly influential movie with a host of imitators, this hasn’t aged as well as I thought it would but is still a great movie. Not much else to say.

44. Man on Fire
Strong case for the most underrated movie of the decade and definitely one of the most rewatchable; Denzel doing Denzel things and a very satisfying ending. Great movie to watch on TBS on a Tuesday.

43. The Incredibles
One of Pixar’s most relatable films even though it’s about superheroes; this one probably should’ve been higher. Not only does this movie tackle subjects like teen angst and midlife crisis as well, if not better, than any other movie in the decade, but it’s a fucking kick ass action movie to boot.

42. District 9
The most original, creative and mind-blowing movie of the decade, District 9 transcends the sci fi genre and succeeds on a multitude of levels. Remember the name Neill Blomkamp, folks, we’re going to see some major, major things from him over the next few years.

41. Elegy
I think only two people in America saw this movie, but they loved it and thought it was completely mesmerizing from start to finish. Has anyone had a weirder, cooler career than Ben Kingsley? Regardless of how you feel about little indie movies about aging professors and their much younger lovers, this movie does have one central theme that we can all get behind: how absolutely horrifically sad it would be if Penelope Cruz had to have her breasts removed. I think I’d become a Jehovah’s Witness and start selling bibles over the phone or some shit if that happened.

Coming tomorrow: #40-31



JR

Friday, December 11, 2009

Pole Licking


I had two great jokes today that I wanted to share.

1. CNN ran a special about winter storms today and they had a segment on a kid who licked a pole and got his tongue stuck. They were showing clips from A Christmas Story comparing the two situations and I said, "it's nice to see a pole licking story that doesn't involve tiger woods."


2. For our company Christmas party tonight, everyone was required to bring a gift for the white elephant dumb fuck gift exchange (great indie band name), I went to Walgreens and bought anti-diarreha medicine, a cannister of handy wipes and a carton of tennis balls. I wrapped the whole thing in a little bag and wrote on the card: the perfect gift set for the gaseous tennis enthusiast.

Happy fucking Holidays!



JR

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

a closer look




"Borrowed" from TheAwl.com:



If you're like me (and the rest of America, according to the Billboard Hot 100), you love the Jay-Z song "Empire State of Mind." But here's the thing: there's apparently a frequently-misunderstood lyric regarding popular NBA players LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, one that seems to leave a number of people befuddled. Maybe you've heard this line? It's in the second verse and goes something like this, "I got it made/If Jeezy’s payin’ LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade." A lot of people think this has to do with an NBA franchise, of which Jay-Z is a part-owner: the New Jersey—soon to be Brooklyn—Nets. Those people are wrong.

In Young Jeezy's song "24-23 (Kobe-Lebron)," Jeezy uses the players' jersey numbers to articulate the price he's paying of a kilogram of cocaine. The chorus of that song goes, "I used to pay Kobe [24], but now I pay LeBron [23]." This means that he used to pay $24,000 for a kilo of coke, whereas now? He only pays $23,000, you see.

So, in "Empire," Jay-Z takes this one step further, so as to show his impressive status in New York. He suggests that, while Jeezy may be paying $23,000, Jay-Z is paying a mere $3000 (expressed as Dwyane Wade's jersey number) for a kilo of cocaine.





*

Monday, December 7, 2009

hella tight

By Magglio and Jericho

Apple
The funniest development in our home is how much Patch hates the toaster. It really is puzzling and hilarious all at the same time. Any time anyone touches the toaster, sets it or it dings as ready, he goes ape shit. And mind you, this is a dog that doesn’t ever bark. But for some reason that toaster has just rubbed him the wrong way. I think it’s because they’re shaped similarly, short and squatty. Or maybe some weird shit goes on when we’re at work and Patch and the toaster have had falling out. Whatever it is, it’s fascinating.


Moustache
I’m not eating meat that comes from factory farms. Only from family farms, which make up roughly 1% of all meat produced in America. Fuck you, I’m educated in this subject. Don’t try me. What I’m confused about is why vegetarian’s make such a strong effort to eat meat substitutes. It’s really fucking bizarre. Whole Foods makes a good veggie chili but they put soy protein in that “imitates meat texture.” What the fuck is that all about? That’s like being a lesbian who gets off on a dildo. Doesn’t make sense does it?


Apple
Whenever I’m in a bad mood i immediately put The Black Keys on. They're like a good cleanse, but one that doesn't make your poop a lot bigger (which apparently happens if you quit dairy). The Black Keys are the stoned blow job in a hot tub of bands.


Moustache
There is no chance Jake Locker is going to stay for his senior season at Washington. I’ve accepted this as fact. With a rookie salary cap rumored for 2011 why would he leave $10-$15 million on the table just to play one more season in college? I’m sorry. This just isn’t the way sports works. I don’t like it, not one bit. But look at Sam Bradford and Matt Leinart as recent examples of how this can backfire. Whatever. It was great watching his last hurrah on Saturday night, a 42-10 dismantling of Cal. Let’s get ready for the Nick Montana era!


Apple
We’re having an argument regarding the gloves pictured above. Magglio thinks they’re fresh to def. Jericho thinks they look like you’re going to a gay snowman party. What do you think?




III

Friday, December 4, 2009

"I'd pound her out"





Last night I got super stoned and watched the 2-hour series premiere of Jersey Shores on MTV. Let me just say, that was the best waste of brain cells I’ve had in a long long time. I highly recommend you hop on board. Let me give you the quick overview. It’s basically a mash-up of the Real World and the 1 hour MTV True Life segment ‘I’m going to the Jersey Shore.’ They take a group of 8 (not 7, see it’s different!) over tanned, over buffed, over hair gelled guidos and guidettes and put them all in a house on the Jersey shore for the summer. It’s already the greatest show on television. There’s an abundance of sex, fist fights, and sloppy drunk hooters. The real question is will any of these folks be eligible for the RR/RW Challenge? Cause I’d pay good money to see Ronnie and Evan square off in an elimination event. Sometimes life hands you lemons and you make a lemon custard, eat it, shit it out and it sprouts a money tree. Yes. Sometimes life is that good. That my friends is what Jersey Shores means to me.


III

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Dead To Me


Dear Housh, or as you shall be referred to for the rest of my life: Cock-Sucking Pig-Fucking Worthless Cunt-Sucking Piece of shit,

Fuck you, you fucking pile of dog shit. This is what we're paying $8 million a year for?!?! 14 fucking yards against the fucking Rams! Here's a list of people that could get at least 40 yards against the Rams:

Justin Timblerlake
RuPaul
Julia Childs
Tahoe Santa (good for 67 and a touch easily)
My left nut
My right nut
RuPaul's nuts
Ken Ober
Woodrow Wilson
Kiera Knightley
The guy who hit the Balloon Boy balloon with a shovel to get the air out (easily the most underrated savage move of the year)
Malia Obama
The ShamWow guy (who has prolably been raped so many times in jail by now that his asshole looks the black hole Eric Bana used in Star Trek to go back in time 129 years)
The guy from Police Academy that did all the noises
Ted Danson's hair piece
Deon Butler (the third string receiver on the Hawks who unequivocally should be starting over you)
My Mom
My Mom's Mom
My Mom's Mom's Mom
Your Mom
Anyone on fucking earth's Mom

Yes, most of the people on the list don't have the slightest bit of athletic ability. Yes, most are women and a lot of them are dead, but if we put these odds up in Vegas, we'd all win money betting against your dumb fucking ass.

"It's not my fault. It's the play calling. Hasselbeck isn't looking my way. We take what the defense gives us. I'm just running the plays they call."

Oh cut the fucking shit! Which is exactly what the Hawks should do this offseason, cut the fucking shit in the #84 jersey and forget this goddamn fucking thing ever happened.

Thanks,
Seahawk Fans everywhere.



JR

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

and also...




Apple
Leighton Meester has a music video out. It features Robin Thicke. Now I’ll be honest. I’d like to put my poems inside of Leighton Meester, but what gives her the right to think she’s a pop artist? She’s not. She’s a good looking, bitchy actress, on the CW network. That’s it. This is the equivalent of when Joe Buck tried to do a monologue on his late night show. Everyone just thought he was announcing things rather than trying to make jokes. The outcome was disastrous. Stick to what you know Leighton. Wearing Louboutin’s and causing drama..you sexy bitch.


Moustache
An actual conversation between my brother and I:

Me: Them Crooked Vultures.

Scrotum: Totally.

Me: Have you listened to them yet?

Scrotum: No idea what you are talking about. Sometimes I say totally when I really mean I have no idea what you are talking about. Like the whole Jesus was a carpenter thing.


Apple
Hand jobs are like Canada. Nobody loves them and it’s not really where you want to go....but it’s better than not going anywhere at all.


Moustache
Ever seen the video for ‘Empire State of Mind’? I can’t figure out why Alicia Keyes is dancing and playing the piano at the same time. Don’t you think she should just choose one and stick to it?




III

Monday, November 23, 2009

Monday, November 9, 2009

A&M and Tony Sheffler!






by Magglio and Jericho

Apple
I’m thankful I’m not a Cal football fan. I think that has to be the toughest team to root for. I know this because my brother, Scrotum, gets his hopes and dreams destroyed every single Saturday. Cal is supposed to be a national powerhouse. They have the tools in place. They just can’t ever seem to reach that level of prominence. And if they do get up there in there rankings, they wind up eating a big fat shit burger. The home loss to Oregon State this weekend unfortunately was nothing new for Cal fans. Neither will be the dismantling the Huskies are going to hand them on 12/6. Ya heard.


Moustache
Follow up note: when are Cal fans going to accept the fact that Tedford is a terrible head coach? He's an offensive whiz no doubt (whatever that even means) but the undeniable fact is that Cal underperforms every single year, which is directly on the head coach. I know he's revered in the Bay Area and has brought the program out of the doldrums, but I'd also be willing to bet that he's the offensive coordinator for BYU in three years.


Apple
Hey Andre Agassi, welcome to the Brett Favre club entitled... ‘please just die quietly’


Moustache
I had a horrible sports betting weekend. Fuck Tampa Bay, fuck the Cowboys and fuck Stanford. On another note, I’m leading Jericho 99-78 in a pivotal fantasy match up this week heading into MNF. He’s got Knowshon Moreno and I have Tony Sheffler. Yes, I’m completely embarrassed that I start Tony Sheffler at TE.


Apple
Great stat I came across today: Alex Rodriguez made history when the Yankees won the World Series. It was the first time in 23 years that the highest-paid player in baseball won a World Series ring. The 1986 Mets released George Foster in August when he had the game’s fattest salary — $2.8 million. But the second-highest salary belonged to their catcher, Gary Carter.


Moustache
I texted Patch to let him know Jericho is coming over to watch MNF with us after work. Yes, I’ve taught my dog to text message. He just wrote back “Totally tits”


Apple
Reason #165 why I love Facebook: You get to keep tabs on who your friends bring as dates to weddings etc. The picture above is Tahoe’s date from the wedding he went to this weekend. Well done my friend, well done.






III

Friday, November 6, 2009

You really do have to love the South



By Caity, A&M's favorite lesbian softball player


Firstly, I co-sign this sentence. “Fuck you I know I haven’t written in a while. Get over it.”

Secondly, a few things have happened since the last time we spoke:

Number 1:
I got a back alley massage that sent me into what I like to call "deep eval." This is where I sit down, pour myself a very stiff Kettle and tonic and evaluate where exactly it all went wrong. At what point, I wonder, did I set myself on the path to a $35 trial massage from "The Rub Club?" A massage that included a soundtrack provided by what I have to assume were 250 pound epileptics attempting to tap dance in the studio above this hell hole come massage parlor. A few things would have tipped most people off to the fact that this situation would not end well (namely, that it was in my neighborhood, which is very--I think "transitional" is currently the polite term), but I had legitimate neck pain and work at a non-profit, so I was willing to take a chance. Granted, my judgment has not been the best in the past when it comes to massages, so I might have taken that into consideration as well.

(Once, on a layover, I got an airport massage during which the strapping young man administering it got so close to knowing me Biblically I felt I should have shared a cigarette with him afterward. When I realized where he was headed, I initially panicked and wasted a good five minutes of what can only be described as heavy petting trying to figure out a way to politely ask him to remove his person from mine, before I started thinking clearly and realized he was hot and I was in the middle of an epic dry spell. I've never been afraid of some strange, so why the hell not, right? No? That's just me? Anyway, just as I was warming to the idea the little tease pulled out--I mean back. Moral of the story: Any 60 minute rub down is better than no 60 minute rub down in my book. Or so I thought.)

Then I met the woman I like to refer to as THIS BITCH. As in, "THIS BITCH came at me with some half-assed moves she learned off the 90 minute instructional video they showed her in the break room and 50 thread count sheets." I've gone entire weeks eating nothing but Ramen Noodles and the Wendy's $.99 menu, but my skin has not felt the touch of anything fewer than a 500 thread count since middle school. Well, that is if you leave aside an unfortunate evening spent in an Asheville, NC Best Western that included me passed out cuddling a bottle of Maker's Mark, two of my best friends having "the quietest sex ever" in the neighboring bed, and a dress I'll never wear again. But that's another post.


Number 2:
I joined my neighborhood softball team (Allie and Poodle, fuck both of you and your lesbian jokes in advance) with the hope of meeting a few of my fellow Atlantans, and perhaps having a few of the more attractive ones penetrate me. Things have not gone as planned. I'm not sure what I expected, but old, married and/or gay was not it. Thus far, the closest I've come is a drunken post-game conversation with my ex that included the phrase, "So, are we going to play footsie all night, or are we going to go home and have sex?" And that, my friends, was probably the classiest part of the evening. Upon hearing this story, one of my oldest, dearest friends put it best when she said, "There are, like, 2 million men in Atlanta. Only half of them have seen you naked. There's really no need for repeats at this hour." Real talk.


Number 3:
I went to my first gay strip club. I spent a good bit of time post-college squatting on my number one gay's couch in the Castro, so this may come as a surprise to many of you. (And by many, I obviously mean the 15 strong readership of A&M--Hi, Mom!) It was Pride Week in Atlanta, and a friend of mine suggested we make a pilgrimage to a classy little establishment called Swingin' Richards. Now, when I was in San Fransisco my laundromat was called the Sit 'n' Spin, and I would sit at the bar of Moby Dick's on the daily and slam cosmos with the biggest bears and bitchiest power bottoms the city had to offer, but none of it prepared me for Swingin' Richards. There's something about walking into a place and having one's first image be of an elderly gentleman being repeatedly, willingly and joyfully mushroom tagged in the face that one cannot prepare for. My favorite part, however, was the fact that on several occasions they edited the curse words out of the ghetto beats that provided the mood music to this little pageant.


You really do have to love the south.




<>

Dear Mariah


Dear Mariah,

Please stop stepping on me, it hurts. Thanks.

Planet Earth.



JR

Thursday, November 5, 2009

In Timmy We Trust


And boom goes the dynamite. (click here)

I love it. I want my favorite athlete in the entire world rolling dirty in his Benzo at 8am during the offseason. Am I wrong?

Here were the two best email responses from my friends immediately after this was announced:

Moody:
I eat 3.3 grams for breakfast. Sprinkled on my toast. And who doesn’t speed through Hazel Dell at 8:32 am all cheeched on grass after a night at the strippies in Portland? Honestly! The cop should have done that math and said good day sir!

WB:
He must have left the kilo at home - phat UW graduate - good move.



III

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Game 7?!



Fuck you I know I haven’t written in a while. Get over it. I’m concerned about the possibility of a Game 7 tomorrow night. Not that we all don’t want a Game 7, we do. There is nothing better in sports than a Game 7. (Or a Hines Ward crackback block in football). But it dawned on me, the Sports Guy is doing a book signing in San Francisco tomorrow night at 7pm. What the fuck would happen if there was a Game 7 going on at the same time? I can’t stop thinking about this. There is no way he would just sit there and let people update him as they watch updates on their iPhone SportsCenter app. Would they give him a TV so he could watch? Maybe, but you’d think he’d want to actually watch the game not shake some fat fuck’s sweaty hand and listen to a story about how him and his brother love his 3rd rule of gambling but they wonder if the Giants will cover at home against the Chargers this weekend. Fuck you fat man. This is potentially a HUGE issue!

If you missed it, here is the true story of the last time Bill Simmons game to town.




III

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Tale of Two Shitties


“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

On one hand, his college team, a team coming off a season so putrid that its fans would dive face-first into piles of diarrhea just to avoid its stench, was suddenly showing promise, playing with pluck, heart and creativity for the first time in 7 years. Sure there were still traces and remnants of poop but it was dissipating, leaving only a splash, a pinch, an occasionally mild dusting of poopiness. In short, to be a Washington Huskies fan is analogous to coaching a teenaged-boy as he starts to discover women: sure he says awkward things sometimes like “I masturbated to your Facebook profile last night;” and every now and then you have to pull him aside and say things like, “no, no, you let her order first and then you take your dick out;” but damn it, that little knucklehead sure does make you proud when he does it right.


On the other, his pro team, the one true love of his sports life despite his daily resistance, was mired in the worst possible time: the year before the rebuilding year. After a period of sustained success, the most successful in their relatively brief history in fact, the players got old, bad luck crept in and the wheels started to fall off. In short, to be a Seattle Seahawks fan was kind of like being in a bad relationship that should’ve ended years ago but for some reason keeps plodding along and delaying the inevitable; inexplicably refusing to cripple under the weight of its own limitations. Then, on one particularly crestfallen night, you push all your chips into the middle and take her out for a fancy dinner, get really drunk, laugh genuinely at first, bitterly at the end, and wake up in a hazy stupor to the harsh reality that in your drunken state you accidentally went home with a transsexual florist named Toni. Does that make you gay? It might but who cares? You’d let the entire Cowboys’ offensive line run a train on you every day for the rest of your miserable goddamn fucking life if it meant you never had to watch Matt Hasselbeck play quarterback again, FUCK YOU, SEAHAWKS, FUCK YOU!!!


(Editor’s note: we apologize for the slight break in motif, we will now return to the bad Dickens impersonation)


Add it all up and what did it equal for our fair narrator? Unfortunately it meant that he could not enjoy the success of one while enduring the failure of another. These two completely separate entities had become unequivocally and inexorably linked in his mind, heart and balls. His was a rare and unforeseen torture, one team emerging from the funk and another about to enter in. Falling back in love while futilely trying to fall out. Like hearing a sexy voice and realizing it belonged to a girl who looks like Nick Nolte, or seeing a girl who looks like Megan Fox only to realize that she also talks like Megan Fox.


Sports. What an elaborate prank it all is. The lowest lows and the highest highs wrapped up in a facade of permanence and significance. Did this mean he would stop watching either team? Of course not. Loving your favorite teams isn’t like loving anything else; sports are the only thing in life you can complain about where the complaints are completely surface level, void of any subtext. There are only so many grenades someone can launch in the direction of their wife, partner, boss, co-workers, friends and family without the subconscious starting to reveal itself. Freud once said that “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” and that’s true with sports. Sometimes you want to light that cigar and then shove it up your ass, but it’s a cigar nonetheless.


With that said, what did this little tale accomplish? Nothing. Do I feel better for writing it? No. Will I still drag myself to a bar to watch DeMacus Ware have sex with Matt Hasselbeck on live TV this weekend? Yes. Am I happy about this? No. Am I going to call Toni the transsexual and see if he wants to Jim Mora my Junior? Maybe. Has this whole situation, this weird, contradictory feeling made me love my teams or sports in general any less? No. If nothing else, it’s just a reminder that sports are one of the rare things in life that still has the capacity to surprise you on a yearly, if not hourly basis. And if you can’t realize and appreciate that simple fact then you’re probably a Seahawks fan. FUCK YOU, SEAHAWKS, FUCK YOU!!!



JR

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Little Whizzle On The Piss Cake


Here’s a word I can’t stand: prodigious. I also can’t stand when people protest hatred for certain highbrow words purely to sound smarter. That kind of behavior is completely banal and bombastic, two other words I can’t stand by the way.



If I were really, really rich, like A Rod or Shaq rich, here’s a little game I’d play: I’d buy a lesser-known work by a well-known artist; a really obscure Picasso or Dali or something to that effect, put a tracking device inside the frame, donate the piece to a local charity and then see how long it takes for the identity to be discovered and a massive, national story to break out. Then, as soon as the little old lady who bought the painting at Goodwill or a garage sale finished taping Oprah, I’d reveal my little story, starting from scratch and recapping the whole tale, how this sick, sadistic bitch broke into my house, stole my art work, molested my fish and took a fat dump in my oven. Then, when she gets hauled off to jail, I’d have a huge party, drink really expensive whiskey and fuck a dinosaur. Being rich would be so fucking awesome.



Look, I’m fine with Matthew McConaughey and Sanjay Gupta doing a special about the importance of physical fitness, but in order to put this in context, the interview needs to start with the following exchange:

SG (in a nervous yet pretentious “I hid a Jonas Salk pez dispenser up my ass right after makeup and I sure hope no one finds about it” voice): Matthew, what did you do today?

MM (in a slow, drawn out “of course you can put it in your mouth, I just need to do me a little whizzle on the piss cake and score a soda or something first you know” voice): Nothing, man.

SG: Matthew, what did you do yesterday?

MM: You’re looking at it, chief.

SG: Matthew, other than your basic needs as a mammal, do you have any conceivable reason for even getting out of bed in the morning?

MM: Oh yeah, man, exercise.

SG: Okay, great. Matthew, exercise is obviously very important to you. Tell the millions of overworked, underpaid, extremely tired and stressed out viewers why they need to be exercising at least two hours a day.

MM: You bet, Ganja.



With the Scrubs era winding down, the predominant Zach Braff question has evolved from “how the fuck did a show starring Zach Braff stay on TV for eight years?” to “when Zach Braff starts a conversation with a chick at a bar by sliding a DVD across the table, does he use ‘Scrubs: The Complete Series” or does he still stick with Garden State?”



When you think about it, there isn’t a combination of 8 words in the English language that raise more questions than: I like to masturbate to pictures of elephants. Can you imagine how many questions you’d ask if one of your buddies said that? Now put yourself in my shoes. How many fucking questions would you ask about yourself if you were the one who thought of that sick shit? I haven’t had this kind of introspection since I found that Mr. T Pez dispenser in my ass and had no idea how it got there.



JR


P.S. I haven’t been this high in two years.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Straight Thumpin'



by Magglio and Jericho



Apple
They say Jesus was a carpenter? I’m not buying it. I see those crosses everywhere. I mean if Jesus wasn’t a marketer I don’t know what he was.


Moustache
It was good to see the Twins win in 12. What a great way to finish a season. And for all you hillbilly Minnesotans out there, congratulations. But here’s my problem. It’s the celebration in the locker room. Sure, jump up and down like idiots when the winning run crosses the plate. But be cognizant of who’s on deck. Pouring champagne on each other until the wee hours of the morning isn’t helping anything when facing CC Sabathia this afternoon. I know I sound like an old man, but the celebration in baseball is out of hand come playoff time. Watch it unfold. It’s obnoxious. A team will win this first 5 game series and they’ll do the whole champagne thing in the locker room…again. And then again the next round. Kinda loses its luster don’t you think?


Apple
Longtime A&M friend Icee sent us the link to the Erin Andrews video. Jericho said we can’t post it cause it’s creepy and perpetuates that sort of behavior. While I agree, I still think her tits should over rule any sort of logic in this argument. I mean seriously. Email me at applesandmoustaches@gmail.com if you want the link.


Moustache
Our wives are both out of town through the weekend. They’re actually together right now. Spending our money and being sexy. It’s what they do best. (Jesus, nice old guy joke, when did I turn into Paul McGuire?) You know what that means…man date. Yep, this Friday me and the other ball and chain are going to a steak house where we plan to strap a fade on like it’s 2001 all over again. The only rules for the dress code is no tie. I’m still not sure what I’m wearing. I’ve been worried about it all week.


Apple
I’ve been on Facebook for about two months now and have three overarching thoughts / comments:

1. Get better looking friends. This goes for guys too. When did everyone get so horsey?

2. Stop taking quizzes and telling me about it. I don’t care what kind of horse you are, which Bob Marley song you are or which Pixar character you think gives the best head (my money is on Nemo here, btw, nice and slippery). The only quiz you should be taking is “how can I get better looking friends who enjoy posting compromising pictures of themselves?”

3. Stop telling me what you like and don’t like. John thinks Sully from Monster’s Inc would give the best head because you could just fuck his enormous eye. 5 people like this. You want to like something? How about you like yourself down to the corner and meet some good looking friends, goddamn it.


Moustache
A co-worker is having a Halloween party where only a few of us in the office will be invited. I told her I can’t wait to tell the other people that they weren’t invited. She told me that’s such a Blair thing to say. Honestly, it made my day. And yes, I’m a straight male.




III

Monday, October 5, 2009

A&M and Niners Defense!




Apple
Shouldn’t we be celebrating the guy who secretly videotaped Erin Andrews nude rather than arrest him? He’s supplying a need to roughly 100 million other men with his fearless efforts. Some day this will be looked down upon as being as ridiculous as banning gay marriage, the iPhone only on AT&T and anyone who actually thought The Soloist starring Robert Downey Jr and Jamie Foxx was a good idea.


Moustache
I’m putting money on Favre tonight and giving the 5 points. Look, I hate that old fuck as much as the next guy, but he won’t lose this game. This is the equivalent of when Jon Gruden faced the Raiders in the Super Bowl as coach of Tampa Bay. There was no way Gruden would lose a game against his former team. I’ll tell you one thing though. If I have to watch Favre cry tears of joy one more time I might fist fuck a squirrel. Not sure the connection. But drastic measures would be called for. This is football for fuck’s sake. Why does he cry so much?


Apple
If you’re going to fart in a super market do it near the fancy cheeses.


Moustache
I’m so confused by this whole Starbucks Via thing. Let’s look at a hypothetical situation. Let’s say I’m a well hung, incredibly attractive, young professional who works a desk job. Everyday around 2pm I enjoy a cup of coffee. Now, prior to Starbucks dumping $100 million into an ad campaign to ensure I knew of Via’s existence, I would mosey on down the block, plunk down $1.75 and get a gigantic cup of pretty shitty Starbucks coffee. I would walk back with my green and white cup, silently announcing to my co-workers that I was in fact drinking a Starbucks coffee. Now? When 2pm rolls around I dig into my pocket to find a baggy of grains like a fucking crackhead, dump it into the mug with ladybugs on it, mix with hot water, and voila. It cost me less money. I don’t have to go into a Starbucks. Nobody knows I’m drinking a Starbucks. And most importantly it takes away one of the highlights of my day…leaving the office. I just don’t get it.


Apple
After reading through hundreds and hundreds of resumes, cover letters and introductory emails I have one word of advice for aspiring professionals applying for a job online. Be different. Seriously. If I have to read one more “I look forward to the opportunity” I might pull my hair out. Where’s the intro email that says simply “Let’s cut the crap. I’d tear this job up. Call me.” I’d hire that person on the spot. Ya heard?



III

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Words “Sex Tape” Used to Mean Something In This Town



Why hasn’t someone shot a Michael Moore-style documentary about obesity in America by following Michael Moore around for a few months? Potential titles for this include: Pizza Hut 9/11, Fatso, Bowls of Mayonnaise and Chicken Wings: A Love Story.


First a marriage to Ryan Reynolds, now a duet album with Pete Yorn; Scarlett is just a museum show of water color paintings away from completing a perfect Hollywood douche bag trifecta.


Wait, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are suing someone for leaking that tape? Shouldn’t we be suing them? Look, Eric and Rebecca, we’re all busy, we have very limited time to search around for entertainment and / or porn, when we see “sex tape!” we want sex in the tape, not two drunk chicks talking about how tape is sticky or whatever the fuck you were babbling about. Goddamn it, the words “sex tape” used to mean something in this town. Too bad Pamela Anderson looks like Ray Liotta now, we need her more than ever.


Now, even with that gripe griped and registered, let me just say that the Rebecca Gayheart video was definitely my favorite non-sex tape featuring someone who once killed someone with their car.


Sorry to hear about Avril Lavigne’s recent marital troubles, the one piece of advice I’d offer is, “girl, you need say to L8r to that Sk8r.” Man, if Avril and the toilet brush can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have. Love sure is komplycated.


Here are a few things I wish I could bet on:
- Kanye will interrupt Swayze’s funeral to tell him that, no offense, but MJ’s was one of the best funerals of all time

- Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian will have a calendar marking the days and times they have sex.

- Ellen Pompeo’s daughter’s first full sentence will be: “I can’t believe this ugly bitch is famous.” Us neither, baby, us neither.

- Bill Belichick will trade Tom Brady’s future baby for Heidi Klum’s next two babies.


If I’ve learned anything from the Surrogates trailer, it’s this: in the future, scientists will create perfect human replicas but still won’t be able to make a wig that looks normal on Bruce Willis.



JR