A Little Whizzle On The Piss Cake

Here’s a word I can’t stand: prodigious. I also can’t stand when people protest hatred for certain highbrow words purely to sound smarter. That kind of behavior is completely banal and bombastic, two other words I can’t stand by the way.



If I were really, really rich, like A Rod or Shaq rich, here’s a little game I’d play: I’d buy a lesser-known work by a well-known artist; a really obscure Picasso or Dali or something to that effect, put a tracking device inside the frame, donate the piece to a local charity and then see how long it takes for the identity to be discovered and a massive, national story to break out. Then, as soon as the little old lady who bought the painting at Goodwill or a garage sale finished taping Oprah, I’d reveal my little story, starting from scratch and recapping the whole tale, how this sick, sadistic bitch broke into my house, stole my art work, molested my fish and took a fat dump in my oven. Then, when she gets hauled off to jail, I’d have a huge party, drink really expensive whiskey and fuck a dinosaur. Being rich would be so fucking awesome.



Look, I’m fine with Matthew McConaughey and Sanjay Gupta doing a special about the importance of physical fitness, but in order to put this in context, the interview needs to start with the following exchange:

SG (in a nervous yet pretentious “I hid a Jonas Salk pez dispenser up my ass right after makeup and I sure hope no one finds about it” voice): Matthew, what did you do today?

MM (in a slow, drawn out “of course you can put it in your mouth, I just need to do me a little whizzle on the piss cake and score a soda or something first you know” voice): Nothing, man.

SG: Matthew, what did you do yesterday?

MM: You’re looking at it, chief.

SG: Matthew, other than your basic needs as a mammal, do you have any conceivable reason for even getting out of bed in the morning?

MM: Oh yeah, man, exercise.

SG: Okay, great. Matthew, exercise is obviously very important to you. Tell the millions of overworked, underpaid, extremely tired and stressed out viewers why they need to be exercising at least two hours a day.

MM: You bet, Ganja.



With the Scrubs era winding down, the predominant Zach Braff question has evolved from “how the fuck did a show starring Zach Braff stay on TV for eight years?” to “when Zach Braff starts a conversation with a chick at a bar by sliding a DVD across the table, does he use ‘Scrubs: The Complete Series” or does he still stick with Garden State?”



When you think about it, there isn’t a combination of 8 words in the English language that raise more questions than: I like to masturbate to pictures of elephants. Can you imagine how many questions you’d ask if one of your buddies said that? Now put yourself in my shoes. How many fucking questions would you ask about yourself if you were the one who thought of that sick shit? I haven’t had this kind of introspection since I found that Mr. T Pez dispenser in my ass and had no idea how it got there.



JR


P.S. I haven’t been this high in two years.