Monday, December 7, 2009

hella tight

By Magglio and Jericho

The funniest development in our home is how much Patch hates the toaster. It really is puzzling and hilarious all at the same time. Any time anyone touches the toaster, sets it or it dings as ready, he goes ape shit. And mind you, this is a dog that doesn’t ever bark. But for some reason that toaster has just rubbed him the wrong way. I think it’s because they’re shaped similarly, short and squatty. Or maybe some weird shit goes on when we’re at work and Patch and the toaster have had falling out. Whatever it is, it’s fascinating.

I’m not eating meat that comes from factory farms. Only from family farms, which make up roughly 1% of all meat produced in America. Fuck you, I’m educated in this subject. Don’t try me. What I’m confused about is why vegetarian’s make such a strong effort to eat meat substitutes. It’s really fucking bizarre. Whole Foods makes a good veggie chili but they put soy protein in that “imitates meat texture.” What the fuck is that all about? That’s like being a lesbian who gets off on a dildo. Doesn’t make sense does it?

Whenever I’m in a bad mood i immediately put The Black Keys on. They're like a good cleanse, but one that doesn't make your poop a lot bigger (which apparently happens if you quit dairy). The Black Keys are the stoned blow job in a hot tub of bands.

There is no chance Jake Locker is going to stay for his senior season at Washington. I’ve accepted this as fact. With a rookie salary cap rumored for 2011 why would he leave $10-$15 million on the table just to play one more season in college? I’m sorry. This just isn’t the way sports works. I don’t like it, not one bit. But look at Sam Bradford and Matt Leinart as recent examples of how this can backfire. Whatever. It was great watching his last hurrah on Saturday night, a 42-10 dismantling of Cal. Let’s get ready for the Nick Montana era!

We’re having an argument regarding the gloves pictured above. Magglio thinks they’re fresh to def. Jericho thinks they look like you’re going to a gay snowman party. What do you think?



KB said...

Magglio, you're going to a gay snowman party with your pansy gloves. Good job getting rocked by a girl in fantasy football this past week. Suck it, bitch!

P.S. Ask Harry how his punched-out pickle hole feels.

Anonymous said...

42-10, Cal got their ass kicked. Just like their fans to cry about it.

Anonymous said...

That's my lady!

Emily said...

Definitely gay snowman party, but I'd rock 'em. Then again, I'm a girl.

tahoesanta said...

Punched out pickle hole?

Jesus Christ.

Anonymous said...

Forget the gloves I want to talk toasters with Patch. I had the same issue for years. You guys just don't get it.