Gladiators ready?

Remember when Hulk Hogan was the baddest dude on the block?

If his ‘comeback’ with the WWE or his reality show on VH1 wasn’t enough, now we have this: Hulk Hogan is hosting American Gladiators. And while on paper this may sound like a match made in heaven it’s actuality a disaster. Instead of smashing skulls and waxing poetic on his opponents, Hulk has been reduced to scripted questions for overacting contestants on the most over produced show on television.

American Gladiators premiered last night after a 12-year hiatus. The show featured a new cast of beefed up Gladiators to compete against mere mortals on challenging physical events. But for all the hype, the show fell short of expectations in last night’s 2-hour premiere.

That’s not to say I didn’t like American Gladiators. It was entertaining at times and the action, though only in 30 second bursts, was intense. The problem with American Gladiators is how overly produced the show is. The beauty in the original show was the integrity of the events, the “everyday” contestants and the Gladiators. The original show felt like it could have been filmed at a local gym with a few local jocks vs. some ex-athletes. Today’s show was like a David Blaine special where the cast of the Real World battled against the BALCO patients we didn’t hear about. And it was all wrapped up with a pretty red bow disguised as Hulk Hogan.

A few observations from last night:

*Hulk’s flat-ironed hair was no better than his ridiculously lame questions to contestants. “Chris, you like strawberry shortcake. What was it like to go against Titan on the Wall?” or my personal favorite: “Brooke, you’re a physical therapist, how did your body feel after taking on Siren in the Joust?”

*The dialogue from the contestants was so candy corn and spoon fed it made me nauseous. It was like ‘Date my Mom’ or ‘Next’ on MTV. An actual quote from one of the contestants before an event… “And just like medical school, I’m going straight to the top.” I realize NBC is desperate to have story lines for each contestant but come on, we’re better than that.

*Anyone notice how hot the Gladiator Crush is? I’m just saying.

*Why do all of the male Gladiators look like women? Are they drug testing on this show? Really Mayhem…eyeliner? Come on dude.

*Talk about anti-climatic. On the very first event one of the chicks blew out her knee and couldn’t finish. She ultimately dropped out of the show altogether. Pretty weak. They should have road tested that chick.

*Best line of the night was from Hulk, interviewing a chick after the Rings event. “What was it like having her legs around your head?” Pervert.

*Like ultimate fighting, the biggest person isn’t always the best. A 5’4” chick defeated a lanky 6’ girl in the final event. Sometimes it’s the chokes and holds that beat the raw strength.

*“Beware of Helga!” All of the previews screamed it, the opening introductions of the show ended with the feared Helga and the audience went crazy when she was announced. How did this behemoth of a woman fair in her first event? She got owned by a 5’6” Vietnamese girl who ran right by her. So much for Helga.

*Two hours was way too much for the premiere. It was just two shows jammed together. Nothing in the 2^nd hour was new or different besides the contestants. They blew their load early if you ask me. Two more hours tonight?

*The show did a terrible job of explaining the rules and points and how it all adds up to the final event. They just kinda launched into events and you had to figure out how points were acquired. Less should have been put into the fancy camera angles and smoke machines and more into the audience’s experience.

*My favorite part was when one of the male contestants raised his fists to Laila Ali (the other host) in jest and she said “You don’t want to do that.” Damn I wish she woulda knocked his dumbass out.

*Do you think Hulk is secretly politicking for Brooke Hogan to be a female Gladiator for next season?

*Why can’t we get more background on the Gladiators? Who are these people? Failed atheletes? Ex-bodybuilders? Pedophiliac sickos?

This show will make it. Hell, if a show that's nothing more than a contestant picking numbers of different suitcases can succeed, then surely American Gladiators will. Hulk will survive too unfortunately. In the end you don't even notice he's a part of the show. The real test will be when the contestants are narrowed down to the final 4 or final 2. Will anyone care? Will people rally behind these guys? Will anyone care that the winner gets to come back as a Gladiator next season?

In conclusion, the new American Gladiators was a lot of hype, talk, smoke machines, shit talking, spandex and beefy goodness. Despite its short comings where else can you see gigantic humans battle shit-talking mere mortals? I’m not giving up yet. Especially if Crush keeps on sweating and being all gigantor-hot. You hear me Crush? I’m having fantasies about you gunning me down in Assault. You know what I’m saying?

So Fierce

***Note: When we started this blog, I never wanted to be the guy that blogged about TV shows…recapped exactly what happened….and tried to make witty comments along the way. Then I started watching The Hills.

Let’s get to it. The Hills season finale was last night. Of course, it was just announced they’ll be showing 8 more bonus episodes from Paris…but whatever. In its fake, over produced, awkwardly gawky 15-year-old girl style, MTV put on a two hour extravaganza with the last 30 minutes being the season finale. Two words: skipped it. Well, not the finale of course but the bullshit leading up to the main event. Sure, I slowed the DVR when Audrina was being interviewed (wow she’s dumb), when Brody entered (wow he’s a tool) and when Lauren made her “big entrance”. Her “big entrance” was actually just her stepping up one stair to the platform and the generic overacting hosts acting like it was the second coming for fuck's sake. I think she was actually wearing a sparkled garbage bag. She adds zero benefit to this world. Moving on.

The finale. It felt very unfinale-esque. There wasn’t any big revelation, or break-ups or pregnancy or Brody caught huffing paint cans in the ally with Justin-bobby. It really was just another episode. The best part, as always, was Spencer. Man, it doesn’t get much better than this guy. We’ve now come to refer to the place he resides most often as his “post”. This is basically his couch. Anywhere on the couch. Doing nothing. Actually one time “reading” a book which was as likely as seeing Shaun Hill throw a pass in the NFL. Check it out. Seriously, 95% of the time Spencer is at his post.

Since I mainly waited for Spencer to be on screen so I could laugh at his small mind and square little face I missed everything else that happened in the episode. So, I leave you with the following Xmas gift suggestions for the cast of The Hills.

Lauren:
A personality. Rent Garden State…there’s a reason every guy falls in love with Natalie Portman after seeing this and it’s not cause of her friends, her clothes or where she goes out at night.

Whitney:
A copy of Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ music video. Study this. Learn what makes her sexy. Now flaunt it for God’s sake.

Heidi:
Some new friends, a new dude and a guest role as one of the chicks on Deal or No Deal.

Audrina:
A Winnie-the-Pooh paint by numbers kit. And…your nose. I got your nose, I got your nose. (she’d fall for it every time, am I wrong?)

Spencer:
Nothing brah. Just keep on keeping on.

Brody:
A big fat zit on your nose.

That’s all I got.

The Hills. Booyah bitches.

3 Apples and 2 Moustaches for a TGIF

Apple:
The most ridiculous commercial on TV right now is by Applebee’s with the talking apple. Are you kidding me with this shit? Did a 2003 junior ad team concept this idea? A guy is texting with friends when a shit talking apple appears. (voiced by none other than Wanda Sykes). She berates him for not hanging out with his friends. Next, we see him and his perfectly balanced group of friends (an Asian, a white guy and an Indian?) having a grand old time at Applebee’s. The apple? Sitting with them at the booth, continuing to talk shit. Is this your best effort Applebee’s? Really? This may be worse than the Olive Garden commercials.

Moustache:
Best lines from Kanye West’s new song entitled “Barry Bonds”:

“And I don't practice
and I don't lack shit
And you can get Barried
Suck my bat bitch”

Apple:
Fearless College Football Predictions this week:

• Cal beats #17 USC by 10 and puts together their most complete game of the season.
• Wake Forest upsets # 21 Clemson
• #16 Hawaii dismantles Fresno St.
• UCLA shocks #9 ASU, handing them their 2^nd consecutive loss
• Louis Rankin and Washington put the beat down on Oregon State in Corvallis

Moustache:
Sweet.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tpa/409930561.html

Apple:
True stat. This season rookie James Jones, a third-round pick from San Jose State, has more catches (29 to 18) and more yards (432 to 320) and the same amount of scores (2) than the number 2 overall pick in the draft Calvin Johnson. Calvin Johnson was the can’t miss player of the draft and James Jones was a projected 5^th rounder. This will be an interesting career comparison to watch. Certainly Jones is benefiting from being the 3^rd receiver on Favre’s pass happy team but Johnson should be excelling in Detroit with Kitna and Roy Williams to guide him. This isn’t Braylon Edwards going to a shitty Browns team or Anquan Boldin joining an inept Cardinals offense as a rookie, this is a big time prospect joining a high powered offense. (Side note: both Edwards and Boldin had different rookie results. Edwards floundered for most of his inaugural season while Boldin put up gawdy numbers. Both are now elite WRs.) The real test will be in a few years from now when Aaron Rodgers is throwing the ball to Jones who will most likely be the number 2 WR, with Driver retiring and Jennings being number 1.

Regardless, fuck the Packers and the Lions.

Go Niners!

A Guy’s perspective on….The Hills

Not the show as a whole but the 3 main guys on the show. If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching these 3 guys in action, well my friends, you just haven’t lived. Brody, Justin-Bobby and Spencer (pictured) are three of the biggest d-bags on the planet. What’s impressive however, is how incredibly weak they all are in their own regards.

Let’s break it down:

Brody –
Terribly handsome. Dumber than Mandy Lynn from America’s Most Smartest Model. And worst of all, absent of any sort of conviction. I realize I sound like an old Jewish woman when I say this, but Brody stands for nothing. He has no real friends. Never has a real opinion about anything. Never says anything of any worth. I swear he spends 80% of his time staring in the mirror practicing his ‘quizzical/pensive/genetically gifted’ stare. He’s my least favorite by far.

Justin-Bobby –
This guy is so impressed with himself it’s incredible. He’s always wearing some sort of homeless head covering and is never listening to what anyone else is saying. Granted, if I had to hang out with Audrina and her dumb friends all day I’d probably tune them out as well. But this guy is different. His favorite words are ‘chill’ ‘mellow’ and ‘chill’. He’s the poser dude who was a skater, prep, jock, band nerd in high school and somehow got stuck in the grunge phase permanently. He’s also always drunk. Which is cool.

Spencer –
I’ve come full circle with this guy. At first, I had to leave the room when he was onscreen. But now he is my favorite part of the show. He is the epitome of The Hills. He’s pointless, useless, chauvinistic and incredibly self-centered. And that’s just describing his facial hair. I think Spencer should have his own show. I think cameras should be stationed in his living room at all times and you should be able to watch regular TV with a picture-in-picture view of Spencer. Could you imagine? Spencer is sitting on the couch. Spencer is reading the comics. Spencer is playing video games. Amazing. Keep on keeping on Spencer.

5 things that everyone likes that I secretly hate

1. The Beastie Boys

I realize that hating the Beastie Boys is blatant disregard for my responsibilities as a pale, white male but I can’t help myself. I’ve never understood the draw, if I wanted to hear three skinny white dudes act hard and scream at each other I’d go play a game of basketball at the YMCA. The names kill me too: Mike D, Ad-Rock, MCA and Mix Master Mike yet their real names are Diamond, Yauch, Horovitz and Schwartz. Maybe if they were named the Bar Mitzvah Boys or the Roshashana Rambos they’d be cooler. Actually no, untalented, skinny white kids screaming will always be untalented, skinny white kids screaming

2. The Wizard of Oz

It baffles me how people can watch this movie all the way through without wanting to hurt someone afterwards. Forget about the lollypop gang, the flying monkeys, Toto, the scarecrow, the tin man, the witch and all the other annoying as fuck characters. The Lion! Holy shit the lion. The lion is the Jar Jar Binks of his generation, he ruins every scene he’s in, in fact he even ruins scenes he’s not in b/c 1) you’re pissed he was just on screen and 2) are pissed b/c you know he’s about to come back. Man, I hate this movie.

(Side note: did you know this is George Bush’s favorite movie? What the fuck? Can’t you just imagine him squealing with delight at the lollypop gang and repeatedly misquoting lines like, “Toto, Kansas is not where we are currently.” Shouldn’t favorite movies, books, TV shows, 90210 characters, Beatles songs and white wide receivers weigh more heavily into presidential debates? They all say the same fucking thing about everything anyway, if we did the debates over again and the moderator asked what their favorite movie was and Kerry said something cool like Full Metal Jacket and Bush said Wizard of Oz with a dumb little smile on his face, would the election still have had the same result?)

3. Moby Dick

Hey, I like long, overblown, melodramatic “classics” as much as they next guy, and this is definitely my favorite American novel that sounds like a venereal disease, but give me a break with this one. The premise is great, the action is awesome, but you know what kills this book? 975 pages about whaling techniques in the 1800s. Who gives a fuck? I don’t care about whale innards, rowing patterns, wind temperaments, just kill the fucking thing!

4. Whistling

Some people love doing this, I just don’t think it’s that cool.

5. Lost, Entourage, Alias, The Wire, Prison Break, Heroes, CSI, Scrubs and How I Met Your Mother

I’ve never actually seen a minute of any of those shows but already know I fucking hate every single one of them.

Two Apples and a Moustache for a Friday afternoon

Apple:
This Tuesday and Wednesday was possibly the worst days of the sports year. Now, I can’t remember as far back as April and May, but I'm sure this past Tuesday and Wednesday was as bad as it gets. No sports. Nothing. No baseball, no football (college or pro). Not even an Arena League or CFL game. It was a tough couple of days. Conversations around the water cooler were awkward. Jericho and I had to talk about our feelings with each other. And worst of all it gave us pause to realize we’re already 6 weeks into the football season. It’s almost November which means it’s almost January which means football is almost over. Damn it. Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?

Moustache:
Note to self; don’t try to pick up a TV show in its second season if the entire premise is about character building, secret powers and a wayward Asian-man. I’ve started to watch Heroes this season and I am completely confused. Without a doubt I needed to watch the first season to learn the back story, to figure out who these people are and who they’re all hiding from. Why aren’t they kicking more ass instead of just being paranoid all the time?

Second note to self for this TV season; Only add one show a season. I already watch The Office and 30 Rock, so one more show is about all I can handle. This season, I’m attempting to add Heroes, Bionic Woman and Dirty, Sexy, Money. Yes, I know. You don’t have to say it…but have you seen that chick put the smack down with her bionic arm? (Side note: I can’t get over the fact that Dr. Burke is on this show. Every time he comes on the screen I yell out lines like “Do you think she needs Dr. Burke to do an emergency triple bypass?” or “What does Dr. Burke know about hand-to-hand combat?” or “Does she know Dr. Burke hates gay people?”)

My secret TV obsession this season? America’s most smartest model.

Apple:
I saw Natalie Portman earlier this week. I was just walking down the street on my way to work and I walked right by her. She had on a hooded sweatshirt and was engaged in a conversation with some dude. She was exactly as cute as you’d expect her to be.

Every guy had the same question when I told them I ran into her “was she hot?” Every girl had the same question “was she tiny?” I answered both in the same way. “Yes” and “No, she was about 5’6”, normal size.” Only later did my wife inform me that the question girls were actually asking was “did she look super skinny?” I don’t know. Don’t ask me questions like that.