Percentage Chance...

by Magglio and Jericho

Percentage chance Brett Favre is actually retired: 50%
When Aaron Rodgers takes the first snap then it’s official.

Percentage chance Christian wins Project Runway tomorrow night: 35%
The bitchy chick with no personality seems like she has the edge.

Percentage chance Barack Obama wins Texas and Ohio today: 65%
That bitch is played out. Time to rock out with your Barack out.

Percentage chance 6’8” high school Junior Britney Griner is actually a dude: 88%
Watch 1:45 on this video. Listen to her talk.

Percentage chance that Randy Moss does something really dumb now that he has the security of a three year contract: 87%

Percentage chance that this headline will appear on Espn.com after Randy Moss is arrested for driving with marijuana in his car: Rolling Stoned Gathers Much Moss: 100%

Percentage chance Sean Salisbury has a dildo strapped to his forehead right now and is “pleading” with Chris Berman to let him back into Bristol: 95%

Percentage chance that someone from ESPN will actually have an orgasm on air during a Favre montage this week: 96%

Percentage chance that Memphis and Kansas both won't make the Sweet 16: 67%

Percentage chance Stanford makes the Sweet 16: 75%

Percentage chance that Ryan Seacrest will accidentally out himself on national TV by thinking his mic is off and turning to Simon and saying: "God, I want to fuck you so bad": 68%

Percentage chance that Big Ben used a large portion of his signing bonus to totally supe up his Match.com account: 98%

Percentage chance that a video exists on the web of someone navigating their iPhone with the tip of thier penis: 100% - percentage chance that it's Steve Jobs: 97%

Percentage chance that Eddie Van Halen's mystery ailment turns out to be a major case of "you fucking suck give it up all ready": 98%

Percentage chance that at least one of the candidates will mention Brett Favre in a speech tonight: 17%

Percentage chance that a reporter is interviewing McCain and just thinks to himself "oh fuck it, I'm asking him if he got botox, his eyes are tighter than a baby's kneecaps": 82%

Percentage chance the next question is: Mr. McCain, would you say you're the greatest hero in American history, or the second greatest?": 100%

Percentage chance that "pouring syrup on her pancakes" becomes the hot sex move of 2008: 67%

Percentage chance that the editor of TIME who leads the first general election issue with the headline "Black vs Mac" will be fired immediately after: 100%

Percentage chance Noah Lowry actually caught the Mackey Sasser/Rick Ankiel bug: 33%

Percentage chance Nicole Ritchie is withholding breast milk from her new born baby because she thinks she’s getting fat: 80%

A guy’s perspective on…

Period commercials.
I saw one last night which showed a maxi-pad balancing on a mechanical bull. What? I mean I’m not a chick or anything but is the ability to simulate bull riding while on your period a factor in the decision making process? Cause if it is, then modern technology has the answer for you.


Dresses that girls wear for girls.
Guys, try to follow me here. This is bizarre, truly bizarre. Girls go shopping for dresses with the intention of impressing guys, but ultimately they only attract other girls. Instead of finding the sexiest, hottest, tightest, most revealing dress…they search for something that is baggy, flowy and just plain weird. Pay attention the next time you go out. There will be a good portion of girls wearing dresses that make them look like an Olsen twin. This is popular fashion these days. Dresses that guys would never find attractive. Now don’t get me wrong ladies, I think these dresses are fun. I guess what confuses me is the overall goal of the evening. Am I wrong to assume that one of the key pieces of the ‘let’s go out and meet guys’ puzzle is the outfit? I’m a guy. I’d much rather see some cleavage and some skin then a burlap sack with some shiny buttons on it. Just saying.


Britney Spears.
Totally trashy, socially inept, yet still kinda hot. There, I said it. Every one of you guys is thinking the same thing. Sure she’s gotten a little rough around the edges, she probably smells like hamster food and she’s built like Danny Devito…but she’s still Britney Spears. You’d totally hook up with her if you had the chance. I stand by my proclamation that if Britney Spears was in Playboy it would be the best selling issue of all time. Indeed we’ve gotten unintended sneak peeks, but imagine if we could photoshop those moments, drape them in a soft focus and put her back in that ‘Hit me baby one more time’ motif. Now who can argue with that?

A Guy’s perspective on….The Hills

Not the show as a whole but the 3 main guys on the show. If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching these 3 guys in action, well my friends, you just haven’t lived. Brody, Justin-Bobby and Spencer (pictured) are three of the biggest d-bags on the planet. What’s impressive however, is how incredibly weak they all are in their own regards.

Let’s break it down:

Brody –
Terribly handsome. Dumber than Mandy Lynn from America’s Most Smartest Model. And worst of all, absent of any sort of conviction. I realize I sound like an old Jewish woman when I say this, but Brody stands for nothing. He has no real friends. Never has a real opinion about anything. Never says anything of any worth. I swear he spends 80% of his time staring in the mirror practicing his ‘quizzical/pensive/genetically gifted’ stare. He’s my least favorite by far.

Justin-Bobby –
This guy is so impressed with himself it’s incredible. He’s always wearing some sort of homeless head covering and is never listening to what anyone else is saying. Granted, if I had to hang out with Audrina and her dumb friends all day I’d probably tune them out as well. But this guy is different. His favorite words are ‘chill’ ‘mellow’ and ‘chill’. He’s the poser dude who was a skater, prep, jock, band nerd in high school and somehow got stuck in the grunge phase permanently. He’s also always drunk. Which is cool.

Spencer –
I’ve come full circle with this guy. At first, I had to leave the room when he was onscreen. But now he is my favorite part of the show. He is the epitome of The Hills. He’s pointless, useless, chauvinistic and incredibly self-centered. And that’s just describing his facial hair. I think Spencer should have his own show. I think cameras should be stationed in his living room at all times and you should be able to watch regular TV with a picture-in-picture view of Spencer. Could you imagine? Spencer is sitting on the couch. Spencer is reading the comics. Spencer is playing video games. Amazing. Keep on keeping on Spencer.