Underrated from the neck down

God bless confused 18-year-old high school chicks just trying to make it in Hollywood. Ladies and gentlemen we present to you Audrina from MTV's The Hills. (scroll to the bottom and click on the thumbnails for the full sized, totally sweet pics.)

Side note: Jericho is pissed that there are strategically placed 'NSFW' stars up there. Who am I kidding? I'm pissed too. What are we 12? To commemorate the moment, we've created another shirt...you can find it here.

Percentage Chance...

by Magglio and Jericho

Percentage chance Brett Favre is actually retired: 50%
When Aaron Rodgers takes the first snap then it’s official.

Percentage chance Christian wins Project Runway tomorrow night: 35%
The bitchy chick with no personality seems like she has the edge.

Percentage chance Barack Obama wins Texas and Ohio today: 65%
That bitch is played out. Time to rock out with your Barack out.

Percentage chance 6’8” high school Junior Britney Griner is actually a dude: 88%
Watch 1:45 on this video. Listen to her talk.

Percentage chance that Randy Moss does something really dumb now that he has the security of a three year contract: 87%

Percentage chance that this headline will appear on Espn.com after Randy Moss is arrested for driving with marijuana in his car: Rolling Stoned Gathers Much Moss: 100%

Percentage chance Sean Salisbury has a dildo strapped to his forehead right now and is “pleading” with Chris Berman to let him back into Bristol: 95%

Percentage chance that someone from ESPN will actually have an orgasm on air during a Favre montage this week: 96%

Percentage chance that Memphis and Kansas both won't make the Sweet 16: 67%

Percentage chance Stanford makes the Sweet 16: 75%

Percentage chance that Ryan Seacrest will accidentally out himself on national TV by thinking his mic is off and turning to Simon and saying: "God, I want to fuck you so bad": 68%

Percentage chance that Big Ben used a large portion of his signing bonus to totally supe up his Match.com account: 98%

Percentage chance that a video exists on the web of someone navigating their iPhone with the tip of thier penis: 100% - percentage chance that it's Steve Jobs: 97%

Percentage chance that Eddie Van Halen's mystery ailment turns out to be a major case of "you fucking suck give it up all ready": 98%

Percentage chance that at least one of the candidates will mention Brett Favre in a speech tonight: 17%

Percentage chance that a reporter is interviewing McCain and just thinks to himself "oh fuck it, I'm asking him if he got botox, his eyes are tighter than a baby's kneecaps": 82%

Percentage chance the next question is: Mr. McCain, would you say you're the greatest hero in American history, or the second greatest?": 100%

Percentage chance that "pouring syrup on her pancakes" becomes the hot sex move of 2008: 67%

Percentage chance that the editor of TIME who leads the first general election issue with the headline "Black vs Mac" will be fired immediately after: 100%

Percentage chance Noah Lowry actually caught the Mackey Sasser/Rick Ankiel bug: 33%

Percentage chance Nicole Ritchie is withholding breast milk from her new born baby because she thinks she’s getting fat: 80%

3 Apples, 2 Moustaches

Apple
You gotta watch who’s buttering your bread these days. It’s a tricky world out there and it’s only getting trickier. With TIVO and DVR becoming more prevalent, advertisers are getting sneakier about product placements. Witness Real World/Road Rules Challenge, they wear Under Armour clothes, they compete for a Zune and they eat all of their meals at the Chili’s Diarrhea Galleria. Ok, I made that last one up. But it’s everywhere. I was just on CNN.com and one of the top stories was about how this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover image was “magic.” I was confused. Until I realized that CNN owns SI. Magic? I’ll be the judge of that.

Moustache
Pitchers and catchers report tomorrow. The Giants will be interesting to watch again because of their pitching. Other than that this team falls pretty flat. Dan Ortmeier, Kevin Frandsen and Nate Schierholtz…sounds like the western regional sales team for First Choice Life Insurance. Nope, folks. That’s your SF Giants. Side note: Barry Zito will have a great year. I am positive of this. He is such a head case and last year was way too much pressure. But now he’s had time to cool off. He’s recognizably not even the best pitcher on this staff. It’s a perfect scenario for Zito. Could this be the first year a SF Giant wins the Cy Young?

Apple
The incessant man-crying on The Biggest Loser has to stop. So does the psycho therapy. We get it. You’re fat. Your parents divorced at an early age. You found solace in food. Boo-hoo. Now shake it off and get back in the gym. I want to see nothing else on this show besides, challenges, temptations, workouts and a breakdown of everything they put into their body. If you’re keeping track at home (which I am) it took 8 episodes before they made any mention of an actual food they’re putting into their body (save the product placements for Quaker Oatmeal, Extra Gum, etc). Last night we were told that a turkey sandwich for lunch with a piece of fruit is a great way to stave off hunger. Thanks. Brilliant insight.

Moustache
Fuck Roger Clemens. If he would’ve just manned up and apologized or said he needed a little dab of HGH to get over a painful injury (who hasn’t) then we would’ve all forgave him and moved on. But no. He’s trying to prove a point and in the end he’s gonna end up looking like a bitch. He’ll never make the Hall of Fame and his name will forever be synonymous with steroid users like Bonds, Sosa and McGuire. Step 1 for Roger, fire your PR guy/advisor. Step 2, stop injecting family members with HGH. Step 3, move the compound to Montana and open up a slaughterhouse like Bo Jackson did. Live off the millions, join the local hunting association and drink with the locals at the pub. Is it a sad way to end your illustrious career? Yes. Is it better than the alternative which is making us all watch you get picked apart in the media culminating in a Sunday Conversation on ESPN with Roy Firestone (remember that guy?) where you break down and say you did it for the love of the game? I think so. Whatever. I hate that I wasted my breath on you today.

Apple
Heidi Montag is smoking hot. There, I said it. Her video? Despicable. Her boyfriend? Such a tool. Her 15 minutes of fame? Almost up. Her next video, also filmed and directed by said d-bag boyfriend? To be released any day now. Anybody who spends 99 cents on her song on iTunes is dumber than Roger Clemens’ disaster control advisor. On a side note, the new season of The Hills is filming now and should start again in the fall. I can’t wait.

Apples and Moustaches - Thursday

Apple:
The only acceptable umbrellas are the ones that can fit 2 or more people in them. These umbrella’s for 1, which are a bit more bell shaped, piss me off. It’s more ‘fuck you’ and less ‘share some shelter with me’. While we’re at it, you should have to be at least 5 foot 7 to carry an umbrella on a crowded sidewalk.

Moustache:
New life rule: never trust a man who voluntarily wears a bow tie

Apple:
“I was like the Miley Cyrus of my generation” - Debbie Gibson

Moustache:
Drinking tea is kind of like jerking off to Playboy. Sure it has its own merits and is fun for a while but at the end of the day it just doesn't get the job done.

Apple:
Dear Dolphins,

Don't do something stupid like every team does when they have the #1 pick, just do the simple thing and take the best player on the board. Don't worry about what position he plays, just take the best player, Trust me on this one. Take McFadden. Just take him. Trust me on this.

Sincerely,
Someone who fucking hates the Dolphins but loves the draft.

Moustache:
Fearless ‘who’s going pro’ after this season predictions:

1. Michael Beasely, Kansas St – LEAVING
2. Kevin Love, UCLA – STAYING
3. OJ Mayo, USC – LEAVING (or kicked out)
4. James Harden, Arizona State – LEAVING
5. Eric Gordon, Indiana - STAYING

Apple:
My birthday is coming up. Anyone wanna get this for me?

Moustache:
Scarlett Johansson has a new album coming out and has some incredible producers helping her out. Has any actor successfully made the leap as a respected music artist? For every Juliette Lewis there’s a hundred Russell Crowes. (we’re still crossing our fingers Zooey Deushanel pulls off the crossover.)

Is it Friday yet?

With yesterday’s congressional hearings on steriods putting direct blame on the San Francisco Giants and GM Brian Sabean, Bud Selig now has a tough choice to make. Should he turn the witch hunt on the owners and front office execs instead of just on the players themselves? Hasn’t this gone on far enough? What’s next, going after little 11-year-old Timmy’s parents because he had a poster of Mark McGwire in his room and surely they shoulda known McGuire was a doper? This is getting out of hand. We say settle it like men. With fisticuffs, bare knuckles, noogies and half-nelsons.

Think about it…

Bud Selig vs. Brian Sabean

Where you gonna hide Buddy boy? Behind Donald Fehr, George Mitchell and a bunch of other old, rich white guys? Take it like a man. Have you seen Sabean? He looks like he’s just stepped off the speedboat after a marathon limbo/wet t-shirt event out at Lost Isle…with his poofy faux mullet and beer belly. You wanna mess with Sabean? He’s got old man strength. He can bench press a Datsun. He’s wrestled alligators. This one is gonna be over quickly.

Links and gossip and whatnot:

Yes please:
Pics of Rachel Bilson in the latest GQ

Blake is leaving Amy Winehouse:
I can’t imagine why. I mean she’s almost more cracked out than Britney…almost.

Jessica Biel without makeup:
Still hot, am I wrong?

She and Him:
Zooey Deschanel (Elf and Almost Famous) and M. Ward’s new collaboration…album out in March. If she can sing half as well as she can act…then sign me up.


Fake Jessica Simpson!
This is what makes sports cool…right. Do you think she has a fake creepy dad?

God vs. Rehab: The pros and cons of celebrity apologies

In the old days, you could drive drunk into a preschool get out of the and car scream racial expletives and then go home and beat your wife and no one really cared. Mean old drunks like Humphrey Bogart were seen as dark, brilliant anti-heroes and the more trouble they caused the better they fared at the box office. In today’s world, information travels too fast, the paparazzi are too powerful and the country ultimately too conservative for any kind of digression to fly.

Celebrities are three dimensional now; we know everything about them, have seen every inch of their anatomy and have deep-rooted opinions about perfect strangers. As a result, publicists and agents have to guard their clients and their clients’ images judiciously, which has given birth to a whole new phenomenon: the well-crafted, ghost written celebrity apology (or the WCGWCA for short). It’s a well worn cycle: celebrity does something dumb, celebrity issues heartless apology. It’s as inevitable as thunder following lighting, the headache following champagne or diarrhea following Mexican food.

When writing a WCGWCA it’s important to be brief, polite, apologize to the kids that may’ve been hurt by this (which really means the parents who buy shit for the kids who may’ve been hurt by this) and to pick one of two recourses for the action: 1) blame the behavior on a substance and immediately enter rehab or 2) immediately find God, beg for his forgiveness and promise to substitute prayer for whatever behavior led to the WCGWCA. Both have their merits, both have their detractions, let’s examine both in an old fashioned pros and cons list.

Pro for God
Makes grandma very happy. That’s got to count for something. (Ever notice how no one has an atheist grandma? When our generation retires the shit will really hit the fan.)

Con for God
You have to change the way you speak. Pre and post rehab the vernacular pretty much stays the same, you’re still asking your boys to “pass you the muthafuckin’ XXX” – it’s just the XXX that changes. You can still talk however you want. God fearing people can’t swear all the time, so it becomes, “God has spoken and told me to have a chip. Might I have one?”

Pro for Rehab
Pussy. What else is there to do in rehab?

Con for Rehab
You actually have to go. Notice how there’s never any paparazzi pictures of people coming in or out of church? Think that’s by accident?

Pro for God
You can make bold proclamations that no one can challenge. If a celebrity says, “God told me to make this movie so that’s what I’m going to do.” Or “every word of this album was written with Jesus in my cabin. The two us just sat on the porch and ate popsicles and wrote this album.” No one can say shit.

Con for God
The public’s reaction to relapses is far worse. Once you join the God squad you’re on the team for life. If you relapse after being in rehab it’s the substance taking hold again, understandably out of your control, you have a disease. If you fall off the God wagon you’re a horrible Christian, a horrible person and are in a hand basket to a very warm destination.

Pro for Rehab
Street cred. You join some very elite company and can reference some big names without anyone batting an eye. Johnny Cash. Elton John. Robert Downey Jr. Ben Affleck. Billy Joel. Courtney Love, etc, etc, etc. Suddenly you’re in a very elite fraternity.

Con for Rehab
Cold Turkey. Once you’ve admitted your problem and sought help, say goodbye to all “destructive” behavior including drinking, weed, gambling, having fun, wearing tight pants, if the paps catch you doing any of the aforementioned, even if it wasn’t something you went to rehab for, the “off the wagon” stories will stampede the press.

Pro for God
The lyrics get a lot easier to write. You don’t have to worry about being poetic, descriptive, metaphorical, creative, you just have to praise Jesus and make sure to use the words: bless, lord, holy, pure, sin, hell and damnation. You can actually put the words on a wall, throw darts at them and then write the lyrics based on the order you hit them.

Watch:

Bless, oh bless you, sweet, pure lord
You fought through hell with your sword
Bless, oh bless you, holy, sweet creation
You saved my soul from forever damnation
Bless, oh bless you, God’s next of kin
You died for me, you died for sin

Or:
I was a man given to whisky and gin
I was covered in hell, wrapped in sin
I’d walk forever and farther to find libation
You walked with me, lord, saving me damnation
But then you came, pure, blessed and holy
You took my avocados and made guacamole

Simple. I just made a million bucks.

Con for God
You have to start making records, movies, etc, with a Christian audience in mind. That means no blasphemy, no sex scenes, no gratuitous violence (unless it’s the crucifixion, then you can hack Jesus to fucking pieces, right Mel?). Have you ever seen a movie or listened to a record that was made purely for a Christian audience? Yikes. Basically it’s a life of making holier than thou, fire and brimstone propaganda. If you delve outside of those guidelines: hell, hell and hell.

Pro for Rehab
Tons of free booze, weed, coke, whatever you’re into. Think about it, every chick wants to be the chick who convinces a gay guy to switch teams, right? Has to be the same with recovering addicts, especially famous ones. Can you imagine how cool it would be to get fill in the blank recovering addict guitar player to smoke a joint with you? And they can totally play the “I haven’t smoked a joint in five years card” five thousand times on one tour.

Con for Rehab
Your newly attracted demographic is small and angry compared to the huge, happy God squad. When you find God tens of millions of people sit up and go, “I’ll pray for you, kind soul.” When you enter rehab a few thousand people say, “oh fuck you! Rich fuck, what the fuck do you know?!?! I used to suck dick for coke, what did you suck on Mr. Fucking Bigshot?!?!”

6 apples and moustaches

Apple
There isn’t a band I hate more right now than Nickleback. The lead singer’s voice is like a fucking icicle to the balls.

Moustache
There isn’t a celebrity I hate more right now than Avril Lavigne. Who does this chick think she’s fooling? You’re not punk, you’re not a rocker, you’re not bad ass and you’re not cool. You’re a silly little piece of Canadian belly button lint. 95% of your audience is 12 yr old girls and the other 5% is old, sketchy men. She’s about as punk rock as Snow White’s farts.

Apple
I don’t get all the Britney bashing. In my humble opinion she’s never been hotter. Honestly, for the rest of your fries you could fuck Britney in a dumpster and isn’t that what’s it all about?

Moustache
How dumb are the guys who agreed to testify against Vick? They’re all fucking going to jail anyway, why would you sell out your multi-millionaire best friend for a few months off your sentence? Vick is despicable sure (or is it desVickable), but he’s probably got $20-30 million in the bank that the government can’t touch, why hasn’t one of his buddies been like, “Fuck Canada!” to the police and remained loyal? They’re fucked now obviously, but they’re even more fucked when they get out, why not keep Vick happy? Idiots.

Apple
TNT and CNN are two channels apart on my dial, the other night I was flipping around, stopped on TNT which was showing Law and Order, watched for a few minutes and then went to CNN which was having an update on the Republican presidential race – and both shows featured Fred Thompson! How fucking weird is that?! Is having a presidential candidate heavily featured on a very often syndicated show a good or a bad thing? Either way, it was very disconcerting.

Moustache
How terrifying is it to marry the daughter of the President who instituted the Patriot Act? Are you kidding me? How embarrassing is the file that W has on this kid? “So, son, it says here that three nights ago you were jacking off to the “Umbrella ella ella” video, got up in the middle and had diarrhea and then came back to the couch and finished everything off to the Victoria’s Secret winter fashion show. Fresca?”

4 completely unfounded celebrity rumors that I’ll unequivocally believe until proven otherwise

*Note: Apples and Moustaches does not promote or condone the spreading of unfounded celebrity rumors. However, A&M does believe very strongly in spreading the word that certain unfounded celebrity rumors are being spread.


1.
Rumor: John Travolta has a removable head
Reasons why it makes sense: the creepiest hairline in show business has just been a little too creepy the last few years. His ability to grow and shed hair at a moments notice and his blank, glazed expression notwithstanding, what makes more sense: that John chose to star in Battlefield Earth because a) he loved the script or b) because they promised to make him the first recipient of their radical detachable head surgery program? That’s what I thought. Anyone with info about exactly how many heads he has or where he stores them please post your leads here.

2.
Rumor: Every night when Tom Cruise goes to bed he climbs up a 30 foot platform, jumps, does three back flips and one spread eagle twist, lands perfectly in bed without even moving the covers and is instantly asleep
Reasons why it makes sense: Forget the rumors about Tom being gay, an alien, or performing sonograms at home, or better yet, being a gay alien who performs sonograms at home, this is the real hotbed (pardon the pun) Tom rumor. Of everything on this list, I’m most convinced this is true.

3.
Rumor: Maddox Jolie and Marc Anthony are the same person
Reasons why it makes sense: have you ever seen them in the same room? Have you? Think about this for a second, they’re the exact same size, both have creepy hair and both hang out with gorgeous, possibly alien women they refer to as “mama.” Besides, have you seen Maddox in that El Cantante movie? His resemblance to Marc is uncanny. A little too uncanny if you know what I mean. (P.S. did anyone else see the poster for El Cantante and think it was about a disgraced Mexican poker player who’s trying to get back in the game but can’t bring himself to place his first bet?)

4.
Rumor: Eddie Murphy cloned himself in 1993 and then had the clone star in movies like Daddy Care and Vampire from Brooklyn while the real Eddie lives in Los Bardos smoking pot and riding his whale around.
Reasons why it makes sense: First off, Why 1993? Because that’s when Eddie Murphy recorded that hideous Wazupwitu song with Michael Jackson and subsequently stopped saying the F word. Consider this, the Pre-WE (Pre Wazupwitu Eddie) made the following films: 48 Hours, Delirious, Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop I and II, Raw, Coming to America and Boomerang. That’s a murderer’s row; crass, funny movies with Eddie doing what Eddie does best, looking cool, being Eddie and screaming “fuck” at people. The Post-WE cashes huge checks and makes movies that can be shown unedited on Nickelodeon. Something just isn’t right about that. (Also, if you think for a second that the real Eddie didn’t feed the clone to his whale and show up himself to last year’s Oscars, you’re damn crazy.)