Do you have that in an XXL?

I got dragged to some clothing stores recently. Not just any clothing stores. Girls clothing stores. It was pretty painful. All that lilthe fair music and boxes of 'hanky pankys'. But I kept my eyes and ears open, just for you. Luckily I survived. Here is what I came out with:

Five observations from shopping at girly clothing boutiques.

1. The chicks who work at these places are usually hot. There, I said it. Gentlemen, it’s worth going into these stores if nothing more than to stare at hot chicks. I’m telling ya, if you’re single, wander into a clothing boutique and pretend that you’re looking for something for your sister. They’re helpful and they appreciate your interest in their girl type things. Not that I go to these stores trying this. Cause I don’t. I swear. But I’m assuming this could work.

2. No matter what you buy, they will wrap it up in little tissue paper with ribbons and stuff it in a girly little bag. There’s absolutely nothing cool about this. It’s just an observation. Moving on.

3. Hands down girls have better clothes and shoes than we do. I wonder if that explains transvestites. Guys have pants and shirts and shoes. And a jacket perhaps. Chicks? Crazy straps on a dress that looks like a shirt but could be a dress but is actually a belt. I’m telling ya. You want to be creative with clothes? Your only option is in the woman’s department.

4. Girl’s stuff is EXPENSIVE. I looked at a shirt that had enough fabric to fit a 5 year old and the price tag was well over $300. Are you kidding me? This is where guys come out on top. We don’t have the creativity but we don’t get hosed on spending 3 bills on plain white t-shirts. Suckers.

5. Despite the overwhelming scent of blueberries and sparkles eminating from these stores…you can’t sniff any of the clothing. It’s not allowed. Take my word for it. You’ll be asked to leave the store immediately.

Apologies for the sporadic posting. I've ventured to my hometown tonight as part of my extended vacatation/magglio world tour. (Coming soon to a town near you.) I'm going back to my high school to watch an important varsity baseball game tomorrow. No seriously. High School baseball, can you feel the excitement? I'm planning on sneaking in some beers and see if the ol' "hey batta-batta" still rattles those pussies from the other team. Go Trojans!

Underrated from the neck down

God bless confused 18-year-old high school chicks just trying to make it in Hollywood. Ladies and gentlemen we present to you Audrina from MTV's The Hills. (scroll to the bottom and click on the thumbnails for the full sized, totally sweet pics.)

Side note: Jericho is pissed that there are strategically placed 'NSFW' stars up there. Who am I kidding? I'm pissed too. What are we 12? To commemorate the moment, we've created another shirt...you can find it here.

4 apples and moustaches

One chick and three NFL notes:

Apple
Jessica Biel does nothing for me. Maybe it’s the fact that she played a prissy virgin on that One Tree Hill or whatever the fuck it was show, maybe it’s because she always seems to be scowling, but mostly it’s her shoulders. Don’t get me wrong I like the military press, in fact it may be my favorite thing to do at the gym, but when I see a chick in a bikini in GQ or FHM or whatever and my first thought is “Don’t get me wrong I like the military press, in fact it may be my favorite thing to do at the gym…” - that’s not a good thing. I’m down with athletic chicks but they still need to be soft in all of those great soft woman places. Biel’s a little too Men’s Health bicep exercise of the week email for me. But maybe that’s just me.

Moustache
Brady Quinn will suck ass in his next preseason game. His numbers were great last time but did you see the actual highlights? He threw three balls that easily could’ve been picked, one of which might’ve gone for six. Also, let’s not forget that he was amped for his first action and that he was playing against the Lions 4th string D. How bad is the lions first team D? Let alone the 4th. He’ll come back to earth next week, in fact, put me down for three picks.

Apple
Vince Young will be fine this year, all of the “Sophomore slump” and “Madden curse” stuff is stupid. By far the dumbest line of the NFL’s preseason is, “defenses have had a year to prepare for him, he won’t sneak up on anybody this year.” It’s Vince Fucking Young! Guys who win rose bowls, get picked 3rd overall in a crazy loaded draft and just win football games don’t sneak up on anybody. Besides football coaches work 26 hour days during the season – if you think they weren’t game planning against him, even when he was on the bench you’re fucking crazy. “He won’t sneak up on anybody this year!” You think halfway through games last year the D coordinator stood up in the booth and yelled “who the fuck is that qb, he’s killing us! I can’t believe he snuck up on us like this!”

Moustache
The Vikings will suck this year, like 3-13, 4-12 suck and everything can be attributed to one simple fact which in essence is the NFL in a microcosm: Brad Childress has a huge ego (all coaches do and kinda have to in order to survive) and admitting that Tarvaris Jackson fucking sucks would mean that he picked the wrong guy. Coaches have a very short life span, and admitting that he should’ve taken Leinart last year or Quinn this year would be suicide. So now Vikings fans, who used to have guys like Culpepper, Cunningham and Moon, are now stuck rooting for Tarvaris Jackson. Sweet! Thanks, Brad!