A&M's Plan to Fix The Nation

With the election season in full swing, we’ve been inundated with pundits, policies, but more than anything, politics as usual. Sure there have been some great ideas, some interesting debate, but will any of these proposed changes really have the kind of effect our country desperately needs? Obviously the jury is still out on this one, but after watching about 150,000 hours of CNN the last few months, we put our heads together and came up with 5 innovative, yet highly controversial ways to fix our nation. Without further ado:

1. Election Half Day

Look, here’s a conspiracy that I will believe until proven otherwise. The major political parties do not want you to vote. The lower the voter turn out the easier an election is to predict and control. Opening up an election to new voters creates all kinds of unforeseen variables (which is actually why the Republicans are terrified of Obama right now.) You know what? Fuck this. Under this new rule, employees are allowed to take a ½ day on Election Day as long as they bring their voting receipt with them to verify that they did in fact vote and didn’t just watch Saved By The Bell. Organizations with the highest percentage of voters (not total number, but percentage of staff) will be given a special tax break at the end of the year, known as the “Voter Exemption.”

2. Candidate Transparency

Debates, political ads and ultimately elections are mostly won based on the policies of the candidates, how well defined their policies are and how well they present them. Here’s the catch though, policies really don’t mean shit at this stage. We get way too wrapped up in ideas forgetting that our political system includes several other branches of government. Obama’s health care plan sure does sound great at this stage, but it’ll go through 15,000 revisions and still has to pass through both houses. With that said, I think we focus way too much on policy and not enough on personality. Therefore, from this point on favorite movies, CDs, wide receivers, snacks, travel destinations, pastas, wine, brand of socks will be just as important as a probably doomed health care plan. There’s absolutely no way to predict what will happen during a presidential term, we need to get to know these people better so that we can trust that they’ll act the right way when the shit hits the fan. Have you seen the “My Pet Goat” clip? Pretty terrifying, huh? I’m pretty sure that didn’t have anything to do with his national defense plan when he was running. In real life you form opinions on people based on their first concert, whether or not they like Leno or Letterman, whether or not they love or hate cilantro (ever notice how there’s no middle ground with cilantro), why should a president be any different?

3. Third Party Advisors

OK, I realize #2 is a crazy idea and that elections will always be decided by policies. With that said, what do you do when two candidates are so close on certain issues you can’t tell them or their plans apart? For that I propose the “Common Sense Calculator” (CCS) a third party organization that will examine every single claim made by a candidate and will report on the validity, overall effects and cost. For example, if Clinton says that Obama supported X & Y as a Senator and always voted no on A & B, the CCS will investigate and release a full report. If Clinton or Obama’s healthcare plans sound too similar, than the CCS will release a very easy to read and understand report highlighting the strengths and weaknesses of both without offering a verdict or an opinion of any kind. We are overwhelmed by pundits and talking heads during an election campaign, let’s have a no-nonsense approach to sorting these very important details out.

4. The Fat Tax

Take a look at these stats:

- Obesity costs the federal government $170 billion annually
-Workdays lost related to obesity: 39.3 million
-Physician office visits related to obesity: 62.7 million
-Restricted activity days related to obesity: 239.0 million
-Bed-days related to obesity: 89.5 million

Amazing, huh? So let’s do something about it. Starting in January of ’09, the government will create the Body Mass Index (BMI) Bureau (BMB), similar to the census bureau except the BMB will travel door to door and take every single Americans’ BMI, if the BMI is over a certain number than that person has to pay a Fat Tax. The government will issue you a BMI number and send you an official tax doc (like a W-2) that has to be filed along with your regular tax return. Your BMI will be taken once a year and whatever the number is at the time of your test, that’ll be your number for the rest of the year and you’ll have to pay the according tax (which will be prorated per income). Not only will the creation of the BMB create jobs, but the BMB will be entirely funded by the Fat Tax and whatever is left over can be used to build low-cost, government-funded and ran health clubs throughout the nation.

(P.S. I’m not a complete asshole, of course there will be exemptions if people have medical conditions or are genetically predisposed. But something has to be done here; obesity is an epidemic and not only costs our country billions, but greatly affects our standing in the world. While other nations starve, 57% of Americans are overweight, we have to fix this and I think the government has to get involved.)

5. No Weird Cloning Shit

At no time may a candidate create a female clone of himself, marry that clone and then storm around the country touting his family values and denouncing gay rights whenever he has the chance. This is unacceptable.

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but this one only needs four “don’t let it escape.”

Who are you voting for?

Admittedly, I don’t know enough about politics. But I do have a vote and I want to make sure I use it correctly. We stumbled upon this site and found it incredibly insightful when it comes to the current presidential candidates and how they match up with our personal beliefs. You can see where each candidate stands on certain issues and in the end you can change how important each issue is to you overall. Personally? I match up best with Dennis Kucinich. He dropped out months ago. Back to the drawing board I guess.

Why are we posting this? Because it's our civic duty, that's why. You fascist fucks.

***What does the picture of Alessandra Ambrosio have to do with any of this? Not sure. But damn it she's hot.

***Today's post is for A&M's friend KK who we know doesn't have shit to do at work today. Kevin, this should keep you busy for a while.

3 Apples & 2 Moustaches

Apple
A recent headline:
George Clooney has offered to act as a mediator between the Writers Guild of America (WGA) union members and Hollywood bosses in a bid to end the strikes.

I mean, is there anything that Clooney can’t do? Did you know that his stubble cures cancer and his pee tastes like friendship?

Moustache
Politics:
Not our normal forte obviously, we specialize in balls, boobs and booze here at A&M, but if you’ll allow me to climb on a tall horse for a second…look, there are three really good Democratic candidates this year, all smart, well-spoken, driven and likable, all three seem to genuinely care and I truly believe that either of them would make a good President. I’ve watched the debates, read the materials from their Web sites and honestly, I can’t tell any of them apart. They all have the same goals, ending the war, improving healthcare, increasing the standing and perception of the US around the world – but they take different roads to get there and bicker constantly about the specifics. I have three thoughts on this:

1) Vote for the candidate that you connect with the most on a personal level; you have to trust that whoever the Dems put forward is going to have a strong agenda, your job is to pick the person that you’ll want to look at and listen to for the next 4 years

2) The general feeling of apathy that has permeated our country the last 5-6 years is fucking staggering. Bush has made us feel hopeless, uninspired, lost, that more than anything needs to change this election

3) Vote. Honestly, vote Republican. Vote for a horse. It doesn’t matter. Our generation votes at historically low levels, let’s change this (p.s. if you vote for a Republican or a horse don’t ever fucking read this page again – my diplomacy only goes so far you red neck fuck)

Apple
Three closing thoughts on the Hawks’ season:

1) I really hope Holmgren stays, there’s such a good foundation, we’re 2-3 players away from being a contender, but more than that, this team is built on his system, if he leaves and we can’t find a West Coast guy to replace him we’ll take a major step back

2) Sign Trufant and let DJ Hackett, Josh Brown and Locklear walk. Cut Marcus Pollard. Try and get Burleson and Alexander to take pay cuts. Hope that Chris Gray retires if not cut him. Sign an OG but not Alan Faneca; he’s too old and too expensive. Give Alexander one more year; if he falters again cut him next winter.

3) We need to use the draft to get a RB, a TE and to start rebuilding the offensive line. If Trufant leaves then DB will also jump to the top of the list. If for some crazy reason Jonathan Stewart, Fred Davis or Jeff Otah were there for us at 25, I’d jump up and down and grab my crotch thunderously.

Moustache
Three quickies on the Golden Globes:

1) Best picture is a two horse race between No Country and Atonement, and it looks like Sweeney Todd will eclipse Juno in the “no, we don’t only nominate stuffy dramas” best pic nom

2) Best actress and best actor seem to be all but decided, Julie Christie and Daniel Day-Lewis look pretty unchallenged at this point

3) The Globes are a very overrated Oscar predictor, pay attention to what the SGA and DGA do, those have much better track records

Apple
The current state of indie bands:
Thank God for The National, Kings of Leon, Band of Horses, Iron & Wine and LCD Soundsystem – in other words, I’d like to officially welcome back beards, booze and beer guts to the indie rock scene. Thank Fucking Christ. The skinny, black jeans, coked-up guyliner shit had to fucking go and let’s hope it stays dead forever, welcome back flannel shirts, boots and Mr. Jack Daniels.

7 apples and moustaches

Apple
Two things that really annoy me:
1) Interviews that are written in the second person.
You are about to interview Tiger Woods, what can you ask a man who has been asked everything? You think maybe another cup of coffee would help. You’re not a very good writer and therefore can’t think of anything original to say so decide to try the tired second person trick.

2) When people don’t know the difference between farther and further.
Listen up, boys and girls.
Farther: used with a physical distance.
Example: I know I have a bigger dick than you because my dick stretches out farther.
Further: used with an abstract or undefined distance.
Example: I can tell she has nice tits but I need to examine the matter further.

Moustache
The best nickname for a chick that you occasionally hook up with but don’t really like is 4 iron. As in, no one ever really wants to hit a 4 iron, but sometimes you have to.

Apple
I’ve always been fascinated by the phenomenon of really skinny guys dating really fat women. You never see really skinny girls with fat guys (rock stars notwithstanding) or any other combination of the two. I’m sure there’s a deep psychological explanation for this but who has the fucking time for that with all the free porn on the Internet?!?!

Moustache
I 100% blame pornography for the heterosexual male community’s total inability to relate to lesbians on any level. Aren’t they supposed to be skinny and blond with enormous, perfect tits and working at a car wash? Actually no. After living in San Francisco for almost five years I can safely attest to the fact that most lesbians are pissed, curt bitches that have Rick Rossovich’s haircut from Top gun and hate everyone expect other lesbians.

Apple
The best, funniest and most talented comedians all have one thing in common: their comedy comes from a very dark place in the soul. Maybe it’s the need to entertain to shadow out feelings of inadequacy; maybe it’s a way to feel connected when they are generally lonesome people; maybe the old adage is true: we laugh to keep from crying. Think about it: Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Charlie Chaplin, Woody Allen, all geniuses at making people laugh, all somewhat dark, fucked up people. Maybe the question: why did Owen Wilson try and kill himself? Is baffling because it’s the wrong question; maybe, looking at the list above, the better question is: why doesn’t it happen more often?

Moustache
When was the last time we had a president with facial hair? If you were John Edwards, wouldn’t you grow a sweet Theodore Roosevelt moustache and run with the slogan, “no one can govern as well as Teddy R, but at least one man can grow his moustache.” I mean how does Edwards stand out? Obama’s got his skin color, Hilary has her estrogen (uh, maybe), what does Edwards have other than that stupid little accent? He’s got to do something to stand out, I say Teddy moustache!

Apple
Two thoughts about doctors and nurses wearing scrubs in public:
1) This is as close as you can get to talking about yourself in the third person. Okay, okay, we fucking get it, you’re a fucking doctor, do you have to throw it in everybody’s face like that? When you walk into a restaurant with scrubs on here’s what you’re basically saying, “the doctor would like a burrito and the doctor would like to add cheese and guacamole but the doctor doesn’t want sour cream.” OK, fuck.

2) How gross is it that they’re wearing scrubs in public? Haven’t they been seeing sick people all day and operating on lungs and shit in those things? They’re fucking doctors! You’d think they’d do everything they can to stop the spread of germs. That’s like giving a hooker a lecture on safe sex as you’re fucking her! Come on now.

6 apples and moustaches

Apple
There isn’t a band I hate more right now than Nickleback. The lead singer’s voice is like a fucking icicle to the balls.

Moustache
There isn’t a celebrity I hate more right now than Avril Lavigne. Who does this chick think she’s fooling? You’re not punk, you’re not a rocker, you’re not bad ass and you’re not cool. You’re a silly little piece of Canadian belly button lint. 95% of your audience is 12 yr old girls and the other 5% is old, sketchy men. She’s about as punk rock as Snow White’s farts.

Apple
I don’t get all the Britney bashing. In my humble opinion she’s never been hotter. Honestly, for the rest of your fries you could fuck Britney in a dumpster and isn’t that what’s it all about?

Moustache
How dumb are the guys who agreed to testify against Vick? They’re all fucking going to jail anyway, why would you sell out your multi-millionaire best friend for a few months off your sentence? Vick is despicable sure (or is it desVickable), but he’s probably got $20-30 million in the bank that the government can’t touch, why hasn’t one of his buddies been like, “Fuck Canada!” to the police and remained loyal? They’re fucked now obviously, but they’re even more fucked when they get out, why not keep Vick happy? Idiots.

Apple
TNT and CNN are two channels apart on my dial, the other night I was flipping around, stopped on TNT which was showing Law and Order, watched for a few minutes and then went to CNN which was having an update on the Republican presidential race – and both shows featured Fred Thompson! How fucking weird is that?! Is having a presidential candidate heavily featured on a very often syndicated show a good or a bad thing? Either way, it was very disconcerting.

Moustache
How terrifying is it to marry the daughter of the President who instituted the Patriot Act? Are you kidding me? How embarrassing is the file that W has on this kid? “So, son, it says here that three nights ago you were jacking off to the “Umbrella ella ella” video, got up in the middle and had diarrhea and then came back to the couch and finished everything off to the Victoria’s Secret winter fashion show. Fresca?”