7 apples and moustaches

Apple
Two things that really annoy me:
1) Interviews that are written in the second person.
You are about to interview Tiger Woods, what can you ask a man who has been asked everything? You think maybe another cup of coffee would help. You’re not a very good writer and therefore can’t think of anything original to say so decide to try the tired second person trick.

2) When people don’t know the difference between farther and further.
Listen up, boys and girls.
Farther: used with a physical distance.
Example: I know I have a bigger dick than you because my dick stretches out farther.
Further: used with an abstract or undefined distance.
Example: I can tell she has nice tits but I need to examine the matter further.

Moustache
The best nickname for a chick that you occasionally hook up with but don’t really like is 4 iron. As in, no one ever really wants to hit a 4 iron, but sometimes you have to.

Apple
I’ve always been fascinated by the phenomenon of really skinny guys dating really fat women. You never see really skinny girls with fat guys (rock stars notwithstanding) or any other combination of the two. I’m sure there’s a deep psychological explanation for this but who has the fucking time for that with all the free porn on the Internet?!?!

Moustache
I 100% blame pornography for the heterosexual male community’s total inability to relate to lesbians on any level. Aren’t they supposed to be skinny and blond with enormous, perfect tits and working at a car wash? Actually no. After living in San Francisco for almost five years I can safely attest to the fact that most lesbians are pissed, curt bitches that have Rick Rossovich’s haircut from Top gun and hate everyone expect other lesbians.

Apple
The best, funniest and most talented comedians all have one thing in common: their comedy comes from a very dark place in the soul. Maybe it’s the need to entertain to shadow out feelings of inadequacy; maybe it’s a way to feel connected when they are generally lonesome people; maybe the old adage is true: we laugh to keep from crying. Think about it: Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Charlie Chaplin, Woody Allen, all geniuses at making people laugh, all somewhat dark, fucked up people. Maybe the question: why did Owen Wilson try and kill himself? Is baffling because it’s the wrong question; maybe, looking at the list above, the better question is: why doesn’t it happen more often?

Moustache
When was the last time we had a president with facial hair? If you were John Edwards, wouldn’t you grow a sweet Theodore Roosevelt moustache and run with the slogan, “no one can govern as well as Teddy R, but at least one man can grow his moustache.” I mean how does Edwards stand out? Obama’s got his skin color, Hilary has her estrogen (uh, maybe), what does Edwards have other than that stupid little accent? He’s got to do something to stand out, I say Teddy moustache!

Apple
Two thoughts about doctors and nurses wearing scrubs in public:
1) This is as close as you can get to talking about yourself in the third person. Okay, okay, we fucking get it, you’re a fucking doctor, do you have to throw it in everybody’s face like that? When you walk into a restaurant with scrubs on here’s what you’re basically saying, “the doctor would like a burrito and the doctor would like to add cheese and guacamole but the doctor doesn’t want sour cream.” OK, fuck.

2) How gross is it that they’re wearing scrubs in public? Haven’t they been seeing sick people all day and operating on lungs and shit in those things? They’re fucking doctors! You’d think they’d do everything they can to stop the spread of germs. That’s like giving a hooker a lecture on safe sex as you’re fucking her! Come on now.

Apples and Moustaches Entrepreneur of the Month Award

*Note: each month Apples and Moustaches showcases one of the brightest, bravest and boldest members of the entrepreneurial community. Nominations forms are submitted by a third party and A&M selects the winner based on a series of criteria ranging from ingenuity to marketability to the average breast size of the employees.

This month’s winner: Roydell Calico
Title: President and CEO
Company: SingSongSneeze
Headquarters: Pendleton, Oregon
Employees: 25
The Product: The Hanky Panky Handkerchief
What it does: A computerized handkerchief that masks the sound of a sneeze by playing music. Small computer chips in the handkerchief react to the air pressure and immediately begin playing a song when it’s sneezed into.
Company tagline: We turn “ha choo” into dee dee da da doo

Transcript of the interview:
A&M: First off, congratulations on this award. Have you given any thought to where you’ll hang the plaque?

(Disclaimer: A&M does not supply actual plaques, but contest winners and really anyone for that matter are free to create a plaque that says anything they want. For suggestions on plaques please go to your local plaque store.)

RC: Thanks. We really appreciate the exposure. I’m afraid to get a plaque to be honest, I’m afraid my ex-wife will steal it! She’s taken everything else. She even took the plaque I won in my ninth grade diving meet. In fact, that bitch should have a plaque to commemorate all of the plaques she’s stolen. Congratulations, honey.

A&M: Yes, well, I’m actually glad you brought up your ex-wife; it’s my understanding that she was the inspiration for The Hanky Panky Handkerchief, is that correct?

RC: She’s been the inspiration for a lot of things. Most recently she inspired the entire Dallas Cowboys offensive line to get tested for HIV.

A&M: Right. But The Hanky Panky Handkerchief was originally created becasue of your then wife’s allergies, correct?

RC: That’s true. She has the longest list of allergies I’ve ever seen. Dust, cats, snow, nuts, bananas, laughing, happiness, honesty. About the only thing she’s not allergic to is strange dick in her mouth.

The Hanky Panky in action. Without sound of course becasue it's a picture.

A&M: So she’s allergic to most everything, she’s sneezing a hundred times a day, you’re an engineer, walk us through the birth of The Hanky Panky Handkerchief. How did you get started? What was your light bulb moment?

RC: Well, I’ve never really cared for the sound of someone sneezing. Sometimes it can be funny, if you’re in a really quiet room and someone sneezes really, really loud, like a cannon going off. I like that. Or when someone does a really huge physical buildup, shoulders back, face scrunched and you’re expecting a cannon but instead it’s quick and high pitched like a mouse fart. That’s good too. But for the most part, sneezes are pretty obnoxious. And my ex-wife, her sneeze is one of the more annoying sounds on earth.

A&M: How would you describe it?

RC: Imagine slamming your testicles in a car door. Now take that pain and put it in sound form and that’s what it’s like.

A&M: Interesting. So her sneeze actually causes you physical pain?

RC: Well the pain from her sneeze is nothing compared to the pain from the rash she let me borrow. But yes, it's annoying and painful. Imagine coming home for Thanksgiving and seeing the seven dwarfs tag teaming your mother, that’s what her sneeze sounds like.

A&M: I imagine in that scenario Sneezy would be doing the most damage, right?

RC: What?

A&M: Sorry, bad attempt at topical humor. So you’re married to a woman with a horrible sneeze, you want to cover that up, why a handkerchief? Aren’t handkerchiefs only used by Anthony Hopkins in Merchant Ivory movies?

RC: Well that was part of the allure. Not only could I cover up her horrible sneeze but her whorish face as well.

A&M: Can’t argue with that. What about the songs? There seems to be a pattern running through some of the songs you chose, “Cry Me a River,” “Your Cheatin’ Heart,” “Lyin’ Eyes,” “You Ain’t Woman Enough,” Jolene.”

RC: Well, I’m one of those people who think patterns run through everything. For example whenever my wife would “go shopping with her friends” that really meant she was bouncing some guy’s nuts on her nose like a seal at the aquarium. And when she “was going to the gym to work out” that really meant she was going to get worked out by a guy named Jim. Or when she was going to get a “facial,” well, that was actually kind of true I guess. Maybe I think patterns run through everything because my wife has been run through by everyone.

A&M: Well, Roydell, this has been very enlightening. In closing, any advice to young entrepreneurs like yourself? How would you advise a young inventor to take his idea from innovation to profit?

RC: I think you have to start with a dream and have the conviction to never waver from that dream. Then you have to have an idea and never let any other ideas get in the way of the idea. But more importantly, and in the words of someone much smarter than myself, “don’t ever try to make a ho a housewife.” Not only is it expensive, draining and dangerous but my dick can now speak Spanish.

A&M: Is that true?

RC's D: Sí

A&M: Roydell Calico, thanks for your time and congratulations on being Apples and Moustaches’ Entrepreneur of the Month.

The 5 worst ideas from EAT IT

Apples and Moustaches reporter Jericho Royall recently attended the Entrepreneurs Attending Today will Invigorate Tomorrow conference, aka EAT IT, with the hopes of publishing (okay we admit it, partnering with or stealing) some of the best ideas and brightest minds in this space. However, after a few minutes on the floor and the sheer number of awful, awful ideas, Jericho’s mindset changed and this column took on a new life of its own. What follows are the 5 weirdest, most offensive and just plain dumb ideas presented at this year’s EAT IT.

1.
The pitch: A vintage clothing store with pictures and bios of all the previous owners attached to each item.
Jericho’s take: I love vintage clothes as much as the next guy, the key word being “vintage” and not “used.” The key to buying vintage clothes is immediately washing them and hanging them in the closet for a few days before wearing them; that way they look and smell like you and you forget all about the whole “used” thing. When you’re trying on a small, denim, button-up cowboy shirt, with bright red wagons on the back and two lassos over each nipple, the last thing you want to know is who owned and it and what they did while wearing it. I’ve got enough problems.

2.
The pitch: ‘The Baby-sitter’s Club’ books re-imagined and re-written to focus on a group of pedophiles called the ‘The Baby-Splitter’s Club.’
Jericho’s take: By far the creepiest booth of the day, the Splitters set up their entire booth to resemble the back of an ice cream truck. Very surreal. Good Otter Pops though.

3.
The pitch: A casting agency that specifically finds roles for old women to swear in Adam Sandler movies called ‘We’re Fucking Old.’
Jericho’s take: You know how in every Adam Sandler movie there’s a scene where an old woman says a swear word? Along with the kick in the nuts this might be Sandler’s must trusted comedic trick. Well, these folks are trying to capitalize on that by forming a business around placing old women in these roles. The technology is pretty interesting, you grandma or whomever, can actually screen test right over the phone. Seems more like a contest than a business, but who knows? People do love Sandler.

4.
The pitch: A company that combines your favorite historical moment with your most erotic fantasies. You choose your favorite moment and they will re-imagine and re-enact the entire thing as a sexual situation. Couples, singles and swingers are all welcome.
Jericho’s take: Very interesting, but very complex and crazy, crazy expensive. You complete an online profile that details everything from your sexual likes and dislikes to your favorite and least favorite president. They create your sexual scenario or “SexNario” as they have trademarked it, and cast the different roles with actors, people you know, or a combination of both depending on the complexity of the SexNario. I think this is a great idea, but at $20k a pop is really only feasible to a select few. Also, I know they are still in the early stages and all, but there are a few things that are just inexcusable, I mean, why did Helen Keller keep looking back at me, wasn’t she blind? They’ve got too many kinks like that to get my endorsement.

5.
The pitch: The anti-Viagra, a cooling system that was designed to quickly get rid of embarrassing or untimely erections, which they are referring to as “Erectile Exuberance.”
Jericho’s take: Where was this when I was eleven? Here’s the scoop, you wear specially lined underwear that has a cooling system built into the lower bottom. The cooling system connects wirelessly to a watch, so if you ever feel an “iffy stiffy” coming on, you can tap the watch face three times and a blast of cold air will be sent at your testicles. The watch monitors your blood pressure and as soon as levels have returned to normal, or in their words, “the rock is out of your cock,” the cooling system will shut down and go back into hibernation mode. A pretty clever idea, but what’s the demographic for this? And why can't I get this in boxer briefs?

19 revelations and life rules that are only possible when you’re about to turn 28

1. Nothing good ever comes in a white envelope
2. Anyone who uses the word “humorous” is an asshole
3. People who don’t masturbate are hopeless in bed
4. Any woman who absent mindedly plays with her hair and checks for split ends more than 5 times during a conversation is not to be trusted
5. The secrets to a good relationship might be conversation and compromise, but the secret to true love is luck
6. The three most important and dangerous words in the English language are, “yeah, but why?”
7. If you are fifty years old, married with kids, a good job, nice house and a dog and you’re still worried that your dick is too small just fucking blow your head off b/c you’re never going to be happy
8. Men hunt and women gather. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Men like to flip through channels to find something to watch and women like to go through the guide to find a show. These are all retarded. The basic difference between men and women can be summed up like this: Men are stupid and women are crazy. Every argument, hurt feeling, moment of angry silence, stand up routine and Friends episode stems from this simple statement
9. The Bible is the world’s largest and longest game of telephone
10. Gay men have more fun than anyone (they obviously have their share of problems, but their ceiling for fun is higher than everyone else’s)
11. There is no female equivalent to how much men like and need sports, nothing comes close
12. There is no such thing as a ‘low maintenance’ woman. There are three distinct levels: medium maintenance, high maintenance and run for your life
13. Empathy is faked way more often than orgasms
14. When you’re multitasking and one of your tasks is to every now and then walk over to the table and take bong rips it becomes very hard to multitask
15. Be wary of anyone who makes up their mind before they hear all (or any for that matter) of the evidence, aka, people who always vote democrat without really getting to know any of the candidates
16. There is absolutely no such thing as “un-biased” – it’s a complete impossibility in any context
17. At the end of the day, nothing tells you more about a person then what makes them laugh
18. Masturbation is like sneezing or scratching an itch: the need to do so comes suddenly, it feels great and is over and forgotten after three seconds (for the importance of sneezing and scratching see #3)
19. Moms are moms but they’re still women, and dads are dads but they’re still men, therefore #8 still applies, tread carefully