Thursday, June 28, 2007

19 revelations and life rules that are only possible when you’re about to turn 28

1. Nothing good ever comes in a white envelope
2. Anyone who uses the word “humorous” is an asshole
3. People who don’t masturbate are hopeless in bed
4. Any woman who absent mindedly plays with her hair and checks for split ends more than 5 times during a conversation is not to be trusted
5. The secrets to a good relationship might be conversation and compromise, but the secret to true love is luck
6. The three most important and dangerous words in the English language are, “yeah, but why?”
7. If you are fifty years old, married with kids, a good job, nice house and a dog and you’re still worried that your dick is too small just fucking blow your head off b/c you’re never going to be happy
8. Men hunt and women gather. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Men like to flip through channels to find something to watch and women like to go through the guide to find a show. These are all retarded. The basic difference between men and women can be summed up like this: Men are stupid and women are crazy. Every argument, hurt feeling, moment of angry silence, stand up routine and Friends episode stems from this simple statement
9. The Bible is the world’s largest and longest game of telephone
10. Gay men have more fun than anyone (they obviously have their share of problems, but their ceiling for fun is higher than everyone else’s)
11. There is no female equivalent to how much men like and need sports, nothing comes close
12. There is no such thing as a ‘low maintenance’ woman. There are three distinct levels: medium maintenance, high maintenance and run for your life
13. Empathy is faked way more often than orgasms
14. When you’re multitasking and one of your tasks is to every now and then walk over to the table and take bong rips it becomes very hard to multitask
15. Be wary of anyone who makes up their mind before they hear all (or any for that matter) of the evidence, aka, people who always vote democrat without really getting to know any of the candidates
16. There is absolutely no such thing as “un-biased” – it’s a complete impossibility in any context
17. At the end of the day, nothing tells you more about a person then what makes them laugh
18. Masturbation is like sneezing or scratching an itch: the need to do so comes suddenly, it feels great and is over and forgotten after three seconds (for the importance of sneezing and scratching see #3)
19. Moms are moms but they’re still women, and dads are dads but they’re still men, therefore #8 still applies, tread carefully

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