Friday, June 8, 2007

14 thoughts on the summer movie schedule

1. Spiderman 3, Pirates 3, Shrek 3, Oceans 3, Die Hard 4, Fantastic Four 2, Hostel 2, Harry Potter 5, Bourne 3, I guess my point is this: when Transformers is the most original idea of the summer, then originality has a sore dirty hole.

2. What does the term “popcorn movie” mean? Don’t they sell popcorn before every movie? Looking at the slew of sequels coming out this summer, maybe it means that the popcorn will be the highlight of the experience. And if “popcorn movies” describe the flicks that come out in summer, should “I don’t know what the fuck that movie was about but at least I can say I saw it and pass myself as smarter than I am” describe winter movies? So “popcorn movies” come out in summer and “asshole movies” come out in the winter? Good, glad we got that settled.

3. How vile and incriminating were those pictures of Bruce Willis that the studio used to convince him to make another Die Hard movie? I’m thinking that an umbrella and multiple penguins were involved. “Live Free or Die Hard” – is that a movie or the greatest Viagra commercial of all time? Something along the lines of Patrick Henry’s “give me liberty or give me death” speech. Except with a huge boner.

4. One more Bruce W thought, I don’t mean to sound like a queer or anything, but I find myself strangely attracted to Bruce’s son Rumer.

5. Hey did you know that George Clooney and Brad Pitt are 10x cooler, 100x richer and 1000x better looking than you? Find out all about it in the summer’s most whimsical put down, “Ocean’s Thirteen: it totally fucking sucks to be you.”

6. With Pirates and Shrek heading towards the $300 million mark, and Spidey already there, this will mark the first time that three movies that opened in the same month all eventually grossed over 300. Remember when 12 year old boys just stayed home and masturbated all day? Apparently they have money now.

7. Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Much more marketing savvy than the original title, “Fantastic Four 2: Wait, there was a Fantastic Four 1?”

8. Dear Katherine Heigl, we are getting fed up with you. We’ve given you more chances than you know, placed you in more misbegotten top five lists then can be counted, even watched that ‘ice pick in the testicles’ show you’re on. But the line has officially been drawn. Either start letting the puppies come out and play or just go the fuck away. Thank you. Sincerely, every heterosexual male in the world.

9. Making a movie out of Transformers = awesome idea. Having the main hero played by a guy named Shia = horrible idea. I mean, when they made He-Man a few years back it was one the worst movies ever fucking made but at least they had the sense to cast a guy named Dolph as the hero.

10. The biggest question of the summer: where’s Tom Cruise? It just doesn’t feel like summer without a five minute montage of Tom Cruise running.

11. Should True Hollywood Stories start casting for the dramatization of Daniel Radcliffe’s $5 million coke binge now, or wait a few more weeks to be safe?

12. Bourne 3, honestly, how much does this guy have left to remember? I can’t wait for Bourne 7, when he goes on a killing spree when he suddenly remembers that he prefers whole milk. “They ruined his life. Now they’ve ruined his coffee.”

13. Alright I’ll ask, if they can make Evan Almighty, a sequel to a successful movie (Bruce Almighty) built around a minor character from the first movie (the Steve Carell character) – then where is the Stiles movie? Oh come on! You remember Rupert 'Stiles' Stilinski – Michael J Fox’s boy from Teen Wolf. How fucking rad was that guy? Member when he threw that huge party while wearing a shirt that said, “What are you looking at, Dick Nose?” You’re telling me you’d rather watch Evan grow a beard and build an ark? Well OK then. Dick nose.

14. Hostel 2: the screams are louder, the torture more gruesome, the blood more red. In other words, the poop just got poopier.

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