An A&M Quickie

A Few Quick Hits:

• Let me put it this way, I never bring bathroom towels to the beach for the same reason I don’t want to have anal sex with my wife: once it’s out there you can’t take it back. The towel will always be the one that smells like sand and your wife will just be a girl that takes it in the ass.

• Here’s a book I’d definitely buy: A guide to making sounds and proper hand placement while receiving oral sex by George Clooney.

• Why didn’t Popeye have spinach on him at all times? That will always baffle me.

• To me, homosexuality is like peanut butter, I decided a while ago that neither was for me, but I have no problem with either of them existing. In this scenario, gay marriage would be like a peanut butter and banana sandwich, I’m not going to partake myself, but it will not affect my life one way or another if someone eats one.

• Having a good fantasy team is kind of like having sex with your wife, you pretty much know right away if it’s going to happen or not. You can push, you can fight, and every now and then you get surprised, but more often than not the first few moments will tell you everything.

• Microsoft’s new “I’m a PC” ad campaign is akin to getting raped in a prison shower and then bragging loudly at dinner about how you clenched your butt cheeks so tight that there’s no way the guy enjoyed his orgasm.

• The “Who Wore it Best” section of trashy magazines has to be the most ridiculous part of the trashy magazine era. Comparing Charlize Theron to a chick from Gossip Girl is like chiding a zebra for losing a swimming race to a dolphin. Charlize, Heidi Klum, Megan Fox and all the Victoria’s Secret models are not from our Phylum and comparisons to other Phylum are moot.

• If I were a CMO at a light beer company, here’s the only ad slogan I would approve: “It’s on Sale!”

• Does GAP have any idea who they’re customers are? Who are these ads supposed to target? You walk into a GAP and it’s painfully obvious who the clothes are made for: pussies and assholes, but the ads don’t seem to serve any purpose. Jason Bateman and his daughter are pretty cute, but how is that supposed to reach my inner pussy?

A few thoughts, then the weekend

By Mags and Jer:

Apple
Would you rather tie a rubber band six times (wrapping it and wrapping it) around your testicles for an entire day…

Or go see this movie…?

Based on the classic 1939 film, The Women is a comedy about contemporary womanhood in modern Manhattan society and the power of female relationships. At the center of it all is Mary Haines (Meg Ryan), a thoroughly modern woman suddenly confronted with an age-old dilemma: a cheating husband. The ladies in her life swiftly rally to Mary's side, led by her best friend, magazine editor Sylvie Fowler (Annette Bening). But when Sylvie betrays Mary in a Faustian bargain, the entire group is shaken to the core, and two women face the most painful breakup of all -- their friendship. Eva Mendes, Debra Messing and Jada Pinkett Smith also star.

What the fuck?

Oh and by the way, if Meg ever decides to write a book about her career post You’ve Got Mail, I think the best possible title would be:

How I grew so tired of people calling me Sally or Annie, I left Hollywood, adopted a Chinese baby and had so much surgery that my face looks like Dyan Cannon’s left butt cheek.

Moustache
Patch got a haircut yesterday. We are now calling him KiKi. He looks like a cocktail waitress on a low priced Caribbean cruise. After a few drinks he moves his hips a bunch more and gets lipstick all over the end of his cigarette. Needless to say we're all hoping this one grows out soon.

Apple
You have to love how stupid people who write about advertising are. The ad trades have been absolutely slaughtering the new Microsoft ad with Gates and Seinfeld, mocking the company, wondering what the hell the ad was for and bemoaning the fact MSFT spent $300 million on a campaign that makes no sense. Don’t they realize that by mocking the ad they are demonstrating it’s worth? No, it doesn’t make sense, but you fucks keep blabbing about it to the point that people are talking about it – which, correct me if I’m wrong, is the fucking point of advertising in the first place? How dumb is that? That’s like wondering why the soup tastes like piss while you’re pissing in it! “This soup missed on all levels! It tastes like pee and not just any pee, my pee! I wouldn’t eat this…(tap) goddamn soup if I...(tap, tap, tap, a little stream, tap, one last burst, tap, drip, drip)...if it were the last soup on earth. Now give me a spoon damn it!”

Moustache
I saw a guy on the street today wearing a full Indian headdress. This wasn’t an Indian mind you. This was a homeless black dude in a wheelchair wearing ray-bans, a navy blazer with gold buttons, rocking a full beard and, funny enough, wearing a full Indian headdress. This wasn’t the most interesting part however, you see this kind of shit every day in the city. No, the interesting part is he was screaming at a bike messenger to “turn off yo bike! Turn off yo bike!” He kept yelling that over and over. I kept walking. True story.

Apple
I’m taking Michigan and giving the points at home against the Irish. I’m taking the Chiefs at home and giving the points against the lowly Raiders. And I’m taking myself and the over on the number of times I yell “JTO…The Future is NOW!” during the game at Seattle.

Moustache
I drafted Eddie Royal. I totally did. If you don’t believe me then scroll down about 7 or 8 posts ago where we discuss our teams. Everyone made fun of me when I picked him. One dude sent me a text the next day that read ‘McRoyal with Cheese?’. Well guess who’s laughing now bitches. Granted he sat on my bench week 1, I’ll admit it. This week he will start for me since Marques Colston has an owie on his thumb, even though Brandon Marshall is returning. I’m not afraid. I’m also not afraid to go after a wayward spoon in the garbage disposal while it’s still running. Yep. Big time balls on this guy right here.

Apple
I don’t care what anyone says, Spiderman is a cunt. Can you imagine if Vince Young’s mom was Jewish? Not only would he be “hurting in his heart” but he’d also be the most special, most handsome and most important boy in the universe. Forget the prospect of the first black president or the first female vice president and the significance of either of those achievements, between John McCain’s comb over and Joe Biden’s hair plugs this is a turning point for bald guys everywhere. Please watch the trailer for the Soloist, I don’t ask much. This is the early front runner for the “sloppiest sappiest cunt music themed movie” award of 2008. Taking the mantle from 2007’s August Rush and 2006’s Dreamgirls. I think it's safe to say, fuck any movie that has the line, "he's my friend. I'm his friend" in the trailer, am I wrong? I’ve never understood why the J is only worth 8 points in Scrabble. I mean, unless a ninja is dong a jig, going for a jog or jotting down notes on a jet, you’re completely fucked, right?

A few Apples & Moustaches

Apple:
I saw Baby Mama last weekend. It was good not great. It was complete but not ridiculously funny. Tina Fey is a fantastic writer and Amy Poheler is really funny. But it never got to the level of ground breaking, or must-see funny. I thought the best parts were in the trailer which is always dissapointing. Plus, no Kristen Wiig. That blows.

Moustache:
I read the sports page every single morning. Without question. It started when I was probably about 6 years old. It’s the first thing I do when I wake up. Well, almost the first thing I do. Skipping the morning read disrupts my whole day and sends me in to a whirlwind of confusion, discomfort and disorientation. Like a chick on Rock of Love after being in a hot tub with Bret Micheals. There’s a certain satisfaction I get in having a grasp on yesterday’s news. Even in the age of the internet and ESPNews streaming content 24/7 my day is just not right until I’ve read the sports page.

Apple:
Here’s a story about what a dickhead Karl Malone is. This is fantastic. Not the story, but the fact that someone is finally pointing a finger at Karl Malone calling him a shit bag. I’ve never liked Karl Malone and I’ve never trusted him either. I always knew he was a scumbag.

Moustache:
If you’ve seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall then there are generally two observations you walk away with. First, there are entirely too many frontal male nudity shots. I get it. It’s shock value. It pushes the envelope. It’s memorable (I guess.) But one would have been enough. The rest were just gratuitious. Second, how fucking hot is Mila Kunis? I’m serious. We always knew she was pretty on That 70’s Show. But holy shit. She looks incredible in this movie. Maybe it’s the orangish tan or her laid back character but she makes Kristen Bell look like Jessica to her Ashlee Simpson.

Apple:
Wait. What the fuck? I know I’m way behind. But I’ve been out of the loop the past week or so. Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon? Are you serious? That’s one way to advance your career. But for which one I’m not sure?

Moustache:
Rick Ankiel is a badass. Micah Owings is a badass. Chien Ming Wang is a badass. Chipper Jones is a badass. Chase Utley is a badass. And of course, Tim Lincecum is a badass. Today we officially start our campaign for Lincecum to start the All-Star game for the NL. And of course, good luck tonight to Barry Zito. Starting again after his stint/non-sting in the bullpen for a few days. I guess I can’t even figure out what would happen if he blew up again tonight. It’s not even possible. So my fingers are crossed for 6IP, 5h, 3er, 5so. Stay tuned, 4:05pm first pitch.

A&M’s Exclusive Interview with the Rap Chipmunk

Disclaimer: Other than being really funny, obnoxiously good looking and hung like fucking wooly mammoths, there’s one other really obvious characteristic I’m sure you’ve noticed about Magglio and I: we’re really, really white. I mean, really, really, ridiculously white. Magglio is so white his nipples look like sunspots. I’m so white that when it snows I disappear like Chevy Chase in that one movie with Darryl Hannah where he disappeared. Magglio is so white that plain white t-shirts are considered an “accent color” for him. I’m so white that when people call me an albino, albinos get offended. A bowl of rice, 50 Cent's K-Swisses; open up Microsoft Word, see the color of that blank document? That’s how white we are.

With that said, maybe we aren’t the typical reporters (hey stop laughing, you fucks!) to break the lid on a huge, huge scandal in the rap game, but on the other hand, maybe we are, maybe we’re the types of people they’d never see coming (figuratively and literally). Maybe only someone of our stature and shade could have been granted the access that we received or been trusted the way we were with this huge, huge story. The truth behind this lie can only be found in the truth, and that’s exactly what we’re going to give you. The world’s longest preface will now come to an end; as soon as I finish this sentence; with the “.” after I type the final word of this rambling preface. Period.

Now, like most of you, we’ve noticed a very strange theme in the rap game. From Common to Kanye, from Snoop to Jay Z, from Da Pickled Peppa to Condamint, there’s been an odd development in the beats and backgrounds of some of the biggest rap songs out there: a weird chirping sound that’s kind of like an old lady on helium. If you want to hear a sample of this, listen to the Kanye song “A Good Life." What is that noise? Why did it seem to be in every song? Was it one beat being played over and over? Was this an inside joke being played on us by the rap community (see how white I am? Who else but a skinny white kid would call it a community?)?

Well, as it turns out, it was all of these, yet none of these. After sending a series of emails and leaving hundreds of voice mails at rapper headquarters (a mystical place white people only hear about, the home of the LBC and answers to white people questions like “why does Larry Johnson make a vagina with his hands after every touchdown?”) – we received the following, cryptic email:

If U keeps sniffin'
U keeps whiffin'
U want da reals
U gots 2 make deals
‘Cause I’m Da Munk
Cover yo bitch in spunk
Lift my tail, kiss my furry butt
I run dis game
And will do anythin for a nut
If U wanna know who
Meet me tonight at HQ

Tens of readers, how strange was this development? Being the intrepid reporters we are, we pushed harder, grew more daring and ultimately went farther than any white man has ever ventured inside the fortress.

Calling on all of the time we spent listening to Gin and Juice as fourteen year olds and everything we’ve learned about black culture from watching Randy Jackson on American Idol, we replied thusly:

Yo, dog, yo, your email confused us
Like a six grader reading Confucius
I want to player love and not player hate
But going to HQ makes me lactate
I put the Vanilla in Vanilla Ice
I’ve seen Alanis live thrice
I want to solve this mystery
But like walking, can you feel me, G?

Ten minutes went by, and we got this:

U ain’t comin in
U 2 white and 2 thin
Meet me at da oak in da back
I’ll give U da scoop
U bring me a sack

A sack? Hmmm…weed? Is this how information is transacted inside the fortress? I wanted to be sure.

Cool, munk, count me in 4 tonight
Just to check, you meant pot, right?

No sooner had I pressed send that I got this message back:

No, you skinny white clown
Not how I gets down
I’m talkin’ Planters or Emeralds
Dat’s my kinda cough
Make dat shit unsalted
Or I’ll bite yo muthafuckin’ face off

Peanuts? What kind of transaction was this? What kind of information was I buying here? You know the old saying, “be careful any time a black guy wants you to show up at midnight in the back of rapper headquarters with a bag of peanuts?” Well, this was the literally the epitome of that old saying.

But the whole time I was thinking about you, tens of readers, how would you pass the time between shopping at QVC.com and pretending to write an email to that jag off customer if I didn’t sack up and get a sack? So I did it. What I found was both harrowing, horrifying and several other long words that start with “h” and end with “ing.” The story is too long to give you every detail, but here’s a quick summary.

The chirping sound you hear in the back of almost every rap song, the high-pitched, repetitive twirp that sounds like a chipmunk, is actually a chipmunk. Yes, you read that right, a real, honest to God, talking, walking, gangsta rap chipmunk. Known in the game as “Da Munk” the rapping chipmunk is the result of a horrible experiment gone terribly wrong.

Around 5 years ago the presidents of the rapper headquarters, Jay Z, P Diddy, Russell Simmons, Dr. Dre and Timbaland, put their heads together and came up with a brilliant scheme for complete world domination. Based on the success of talking animal movies like Madagascar and Happy Feet, they decided to create a rap group comprised of talking zoo animals. This is not animated mind you, this is real. They hired the world’s most renowned talkalogist, Dr. Jade Ploddington, and gave her all the resources she needed to create this super group. Part “Making the Band” part “Island of Dr Moreau” – Dr. Ploddington built a machine she named “Da Gangsta Izer” that would change any normal zoo animal, to a bad ass, sticky icky loving, gangsta-rapping zoo animal.

The presidents of the headquarters had huge plans for this group, which they named Da Zoo. A reality show, an album, a world tour, even a theme park that was aimed at being the world’s first Gangsta Petting Zoo. They even had gangsta names picked out for each member: G. Raff, PlattaPuzz, Kare A Boo, KoMo Draggin and the one girl in the group, Aunty Lopes.

Dr. Ploddington was working day and night on Da Gangsta Izer and after two years of work, the machine was ready. The results were disastrous. G Raff, Aunty Lopes and KoMo were killed instantly. Kare A Boo was shrunk to the size of a thumbtack. PlattaPuzz survived the experiment but refused to rap, he just kept going on and on about nuclear physics and the inherent limitations of cross-functional material transformation, he was mercifully put down.

An epic disaster. The project was shut down, Dr. Ploddington was paid off and shipped away and the presidents swore to never speak about the project again. But then, one year later, one of the upcoming protégés at rapper headquarters, a young gangsta named Chippa Dip was wondering around the facility checking out the different buildings when he found his way down to the boarded up Da Zoo wing. A curious motherfucker, Chippa Dip, waded through the boards and entered the facility. Finding Da Gangsta Izer, Chippa walked inside to see what it did. Unbeknownst to him, at the same time Chippa flippa da switch, a chipmunk that had been living in the musty room ran into the machine with him. When the dust settled, the two had merged into one. Chippa the man was transported into this little chipmunk.

Trust me on this one, tens of readers, as shocked as you are at this revelation, the presidents we’re at least 745% more shocked. Not only had they lost their next superstar, they now had a rapping, gangsta-ass chipmunk running around who could expose their once devious plan at any minute. So they struck a deal. In exchange for total silence and a promise never to go to the press, the presidents offered free range over the forest in the back of the headquarters, an endless supply of peanuts and a steady stream of “chippy bitches” and a guarantee that he could sing background vocals on at least one song on every CD released between 2004-2010.

Chippa, now known as Da Munk, accepted immediately and has lived in the forest and on every CD ever since. So there you go, mystery solved.
Not as personally horrifying as breaking the news that Sean Alexander has a talking vagina but this story obviously has much larger, global implications.

Well, folks, another groundbreaking story from the A&M News Team. This one wasn’t pretty, but then again, journalism isn’t meant to be pretty, it’s meant to be real.

Apples and Moustaches, read by tens, loved by Shaun Alexander’s vagina, trusted by Da Munk.

A&M For a Friday

Apple
Tens of readers, help me finish this joke, you know the old saying, “if you tap it more than twice you’re playing with it?” Well, when you’re walking with your dog and you meet another dog, and either your dog or the other is sniffing butt just a bit too long and it starts to get awkward between you and the other dog owner I want to be able to make the joke, “come on now, if you sniff it more than twice you’re…” – how do I finish that? I think we need to come up with a universal joke that can be made in those situations to ease the weird tension a bit.

Moustache
I love getting salads for lunch. Once you’ve found the right place that has good ingredients, normal-looking people behind the counter, good portions at a good price you’re set. Even then though, it all comes down to the amount of dressing they use. A salad is only as good as the level of dressing. Too little and it’s bland, too much and it’s soggy (and a bit too delicious, which nullifies the point of getting a salad in the first place). When you think about it, the dressing quandary is a bit like the old “pull and pray” method of contraception we all use to use back in high school. If it’s not just right you ruin it, if it’s a bit too much the experience is ruined because you worry about it – but when it’s just right, you pull out and nut all over a lemon chicken caesar and everybody wins.

Apple
Does anyone really care about the Olympic Torch? I mean this is a tradition started by Hitler that is being carried out to honor China, who the fuck wants to preserve that? Isn’t this the quintessential “two wrongs don’t make a right” situation? And if they’re bringing the torch around the world as a symbol of peace isn’t it totally backwards not to just pull out at even the slightest hint of protest. Isn’t stubbornly going forward like saying, “you don’t want peace, fuck you, you’re getting’ peace!”

Moustache
I don’t think there’s a more frustrating team on Earth than the Golden State Warriors. Honestly the one team in the NBA who can beat or lose to anyone on a daily basis. I know the West is tougher this year, that they don’t have the surprise element anymore, that the rest of the league is adjusting to Nellie Ball; but Baron’s Boys just don’t seem to have the same fire as they did last year. They played with such a massive chip on their shoulder last year and that’s disappeared for some reason. It was great fun while it lasted, but we’re about to see a very unceremonious end of an era, I think Nellie, Baron, Air France and Jack are all gone next year. Bummer.

Apple
The five best shit talking lines of all time:

“I’ll fuck you until you love me!”

- Mike Tyson, screaming at a male reporter after a press conference got out of hand.

“Little Mexican girls.”

- Karl Malone, to Kobe Bryant’s wife after she asked him what he was hunting for based on his ridiculous camouflage outfit.

“Fuck you, man, you ain’t that cool. Shit, I gotta backpack.”

- A homeless guy to me after I got off the K and ignored him when he asked for change.

“We ain’t bringin’ noise, we bringin’ drama. Fuck you and you’re muthafuckin’ mama.

- 2Pac to Bigge in that one song I’m too white to remember the name of. Great line though.

“Cum stain!”

- Magglio, yelling at an old lady as he pulled into his parking garage after she had berated him for driving too fast.

Apples and Moustaches - Yay!

Apple
Memphis/Kansas last night was fantastic. I’m not going to even get into the ‘shoulda fouled”, “gotta hit the free throws”, “who’s wife would you rather?” conversation. (In case you’re curious the answers are…Yes. Obviously. And Calipari’s, no doubt.) Last night was just fantastic basketball. The refs did a great job letting them play. And we were seeing the best of the best last night. It really does make you think that college football should adopt the playoff system. (for our loyal readers, remember when we let KK write something? And he fumbled around trying to make the college football/basketball playoffs point? That was awesome. He’s such a tugjob.)


Moustache
Yes, I watch The Bachelor. Yes, I am embarrassed to admit it. Yes, I am confident at my pick this season…Shayne. Here’s my question. How is it that each of the girls unquestionably wants to be with this guy yet he has the common sense to decide which one he likes. Isn’t this kinda lopsided? I mean when will one of these chicks stand up and say “you know what, thanks anyways, but you’re not my type.” It’s so stupid that each and every one of them talks about how into this guy they are. That’s 20 chicks, without a doubt, professing their love to this dude. It’s just hard to understand.


Apple
No joke. Barry Bonds to the Yankees. Not yet. But in a few months. When they need a big bat in the lineup to help pull away from the Sox and the Blue Jays (The Blue Jays?!?!) Damn I bet Barry looks good in pinstripes.


Moustache
Honestly, which comeback are you more excited for? Beverly Hills 90210? Or The New Kids on the Block? It’s a complete toss-up for me. I mean, on one hand you have the old gang at West Beverly back up to their old hijinks and shenanigans. And on the other, 5 off the coolest dudes to ever rock fluorescent pink and green are back. I wonder if Joey can still hit that high note. “Please, don’t go girl.” It’s an NKOTB block party and we’re all invited.


Apple
I went to a nutrionist a few days ago. He told me with the amount of tofu and soy products I’ve been taking I might as well be eating 12oz steaks everyday. I’m getting the same type of lopsided nutrition in my diet. I’m paraphrasing here, of course. But now I’m thoroughly confused. How am I supposed to be a vegetarian?


Moustache
I’ve always wanted to be a cab driver. I’ll let you in on another secret of mine as well. I am almost positive that when I’m driving through the city other cab drivers notice my moves and say to themselves “he must be a cabbie.” This has always been a dream of mine.


Apple
Though it pains us to admit, we finished last in our super nerd NCAA pool with other blogs. The dude from bearsnecessity.com won. At least it wasn’t the chick. Or the hockey guy. This means that we’ll have a guest blogger at some point in the near future. You'll be able to recognize him cause he'll probably talk about how cool Cal is and he won't say 'fuck' very much. So let him have it. Especially you Phucko and Dirt Diver. Let him know how wrong he is. No matter what the topic.


Bears Necessity-100
Gossip on Sports-91

The Battle of California-82

The Sports Lounge-80

The Play in California-76

Apples and Moustaches-75

An A&M to start the week

Apple
Where does the fact that all four #1 seeds have never made the final four rank on the “things that don’t make any sense yet make complete sense” scale? Before or after W getting elected twice? Before or after Megan Fox having sexual intercourse with Brian Austin Green on a regular basis? Or, before or after the idea that when you’re on a long car trip all you can think about is standing up and walking around but once you’re up and walking all you want to do is sit down?

Moustache
Let me put it this way, scrubbing the bathroom because you need your deposit back rather than want your deposit back is akin to jerking off when your girlfriend has to run an errand versus jerking off after a week long camping trip with the boys and coming home to find your girlfriend is out running errands.

Apple
An anatomical guide to the political parties:

Republicans = a penis.

Republicans don’t give a fuck. They want the White House and will do whatever it takes to get there. If the nomination process was reversed right now, do you think the Republicans would be worried about the “rules” and “being fair to everyone” or would they just say, “fuck it” and do an automatic redo in Michigan and Florida? See, a penis doesn’t think about consequences, a penis says, I’m going in something tonight and I don’t give a fuck who knows or who cares. A penis acts without thinking, trusts its instincts and ultimately just does what’s best for itself at that exact moment, if that’s not “playing fair” who cares? Fair is a relative term that changes based on what the penis is currently after. A penis can have friends as long as there’s a distinct understanding of what everyone is after; anything or anyone that gets in its way is an enemy. Don’t fuck with a penis when it’s hard about something, it won’t listen and it won’t back down.

Democrats = a vagina

A vagina is a deep thinker, a philosopher, fair and equal, considerate, compassionate, just, educated, or in other words, a vagina is a complete fucking pussy. Only a vagina is capable of being dominated for 8 years and then get itself into a tizzy about whether or not to count Michigan and Florida, even though the penis has no say and is not involved in the decision in any way, shape or form. A vagina argues with itself constantly, it’s compassionate to a fault sometimes, spending so much time weighing the pros and cons that it lets opportunities slip away. A penis doesn’t have pros and cons, it has yes and no and that’s it. A vagina spends so much time analyzing its analysis that it doesn’t even realize the penis is fucking it until too late. A vagina wants to be loved and a penis wants to be respected, and that makes all the difference.

Moustache
I wouldn’t call it my favorite movie, even though it’s definitely in my top 5, but the last 15 minutes of Shawshank are the best 15 minutes in movie history. There isn’t better writing, acting or direction anywhere. If you watch the last three minutes starting with “For the second time in my life, I’m guilty of committing a crime” and don’t get goose bumps then you need to step away from the computer and call your Mom right now.

Apple
Is Ashlee Simpson the Kate Bosworth of “I can look smoking hot or hideous depending on my outfit and your mood” or is it the other way around?

Moustache
Look, I don’t blame the Giants for wanting to move on, start a new era and put the focus back on the team as a whole, but I think removing everything Bonds related is egregiously inane. The man was the Giants for the last 16 years and you remove every single image of him from the park? What about all the money he made the franchise over the years? Do you really think people were filling the park to see Rich fucking Aurilia? Ticket sales, merchandise, national exposure, you can erase all of that without Bonds. $100 million, $200 million, I don’t think it’s possible to calculate how much cash he made for the Giants and to cut ties that quickly is just wrong in my opinion. What about a simple poster in left field thanking him for 16 years? You don’t have to mention any of the records, the man won 5 MVPs in your uniform and this is how it ends? That’s sad.

Apples and Moustaches

by Magglio and Jericho

Apple
Trent Green just signed a 3-year deal with the Rams. Um, wait a minute. Am I missing something? Isn't this the Trent Green who got knocked out of the NFL last season because of too many concussions? The same Trent Green who needs his a bib to eat because of too many pile drives from D-Lineman? Why would anyone pay this guy one more cent? Jonathan Papelbon makes only $900,000 a year and the Rams give Trent Green $9M including a $2.1M signing bonus? Somebody explain something to me. Please.

Moustache
I think we need a little more information before we crucify Eliot Spitzer over his rendezvous with a prostitute. First of all, how hot is she? How much did she charge and how did he tip? Was she a dancer that needed money or a crazy nympho that just needs the action? Did they do any kind or role-play? Was is it just straightforward sex or did it get nasty? Did she ever say anything crazy like “I bet your wife can’t take it up her ass, can she?” I want to know this shit before I hang this guy in the town square. (What does this have to do with his innocence? Nothing. But it’s not often you can read about porn and pretend to be working at the same time. So let’s go CNN.com, describe how she liked to be elbowed.)

Apple
The Giants have the worst exhibition record in the MLB to date. Barry Zito got shelled again yesterday. Tim Lincecum has a pulled groin. Omar Vizquel is out another 4 weeks. Noah Lowery just had surgery and somewhere Marvin Benard is having his over active hemorrhoids massaged by a one-eyed tranny. Kinda makes you miss the days of BALCO and HGH being the biggest problem in Giants camp doesn’t it?

Moustache
A new study shows that one in four teenage girls in the US has a sexually transmitted disease. That’s 25%! So if there are 1,000 girls at a high school then 250 of them have an STD. Man, remember how innocent teen sex used to be? You watch movies like Sixteen Candles or Say Anything and everyone is horny but confused and endearingly awkward. Now it’s like one enormous leper colony. I think we’re six months away from a 15 yr old boy shyly pulling his dick out and then bursting into flames. Doesn’t it seem like every generation gets a little more fucked up? Our grandkids will probably get STDs from fantasizing. “Were you thinking about pussy last night?! Damn it, don’t you know how dangerous that is!”

Apple
Two Vermont towns are voting to have Bush and Cheney arrested on charges of war crimes. Ben & Jerry’s, Phish and now this. Damn it I love Vermont.

Moustache
I’m sorry Clay Aiken but Patrick Dempsey has officially taken your title of biggest pussy in America based on the trailer for “Made of Honor.” You really have to watch this to believe it. It starts out like your basic cookie cutter fucking retarded romantic comedy but then at the 1:30 mark, something absolutely unworldly happens. I don’t know the right word for this, but let me put it this way: forget everything you know about pussy movies and the pussy men who star in them. This has absolutely redefined what is possible. Actually, what am I talking about? Don’t watch it, whatever you do, don’t watch it. Can we have some kind of man intervention with Patrick Dempsey? You know, the kind where we beat him with baseball bats?

Apple
The nationwide Tyler Hansborough handjob continues its assault on America. And if you think this is bad just wait till tourney time. We’re going to be watching the selection show Sunday and before each team is announced Billy Packard will compliment Hansborourgh. “Now let’s move to the West bracket. The number one seed out West goes to a team whose testicles are half the size of Tyler Hansborough’s. That team is UCLA.”

Moustache
How incredible is Day Light’s Savings? It’s only March and already it’s staying light out until 7:30. It makes you realize how dreary and depressing winter is. Spring forward is like jerking off with the other hand, getting a brand new pair of running shoes, putting on a doctor’s outfit and then giving a junior high baseball team their physicals or having a girl tell you, “man, you fuck like an elephant” – the whole world just feels fresh and new again.

Apple
Stay with me on this one…Benji Madden, the fat twin brother from Good Charlotte is dating Paris Hilton. Not to be confused with his brother Joel who is dating and knocked up Nicole Richie. This has to be the ultimate ‘anything you can do I can do better’ move on Paris’ part. I mean, she doesn’t actually like this fat fuck does she? Or is this just some gigantic marketing ploy on Fox’s part for next season’s follow up to the Simple Life series entitled “The Simple Life: Fucking Fat Twins”

Apples and Moustaches - Thursday

Apple
The word gorgonzola could be an onomatopoeia for puking. “Dude, that didn’t sit right. I think I’m about to gorgonzola.”

Moustache
Aaron Rodgers will go in the 8^th round in upcoming Fantasy Drafts. As much as I like Rodgers and want to see him succeed, I doubt he’ll keep his starting job for the entire season. (why do I have this sick feeling that statement will come back to bite me someday?)

Apple
You know what? Fuck Mixt Greens, the overprice, overhyped, salad spot near my office. It’s a fucking crap shoot with what you’ll get. You wait in line for 15 minutes hoping and praying you get one of the ‘good’ salad mixers (or salad tossers). If you do, your $12 salad will be plentiful. If you don’t, you’ve just spent a fist full of cash on a few green leafs, caramelized onions and goat cheese. Stingy bitches.

Moustache
I never wanted to have a blog where all I do is bitch, so for the rest of this post I’m only going to have positive statements and/or observations.

Apple
I’m glad Christian won the Project Runway finale last night. That little dude is talented. If I was a 6-foot, 90 pound chick I would totally wear his stuff. But I’m not. So I’ll stick with L.L. Bean and Stussy.

Moustache
You know who has one of the weakest jobs in America? The athletic director of a high school, that’s who. I went to a high school playoff game this past weekend and the athletic director had to stand next to the rabid student section the whole time with his arms crossed looking disappointed in his students at all times. Like a dooshbag. Just standing there. Shaking his head. Hey! Lighten up asshole. Let the kids have some fun. Could you imagine having to be that guy? The kids all make fun of you, you can’t sit in the stands and enjoy the game and at home your family knows they could all kick your ass.I don’t actually know if that last part is true but the image of a bunch of 7 and 8-year olds pummeling their wussy dad is kinda funny. “Who’s your daddy now bitch? “

Apple
The new chick at work totally just sabotaged me. We all share a bathroom here at work. That’s 12 of us and one lone shitter. So she just exited and I asked the now socially acceptable question of ‘all good in there?’ She replied ‘yes’. Let me just say, it absolutely was NOT all good in there. She either a) has a faulty memory and forgot that she just unloaded b) has a sick fetish about that sort of thing and wanted me to smell what she’s working with c) truly believed her shit don’t stink or d)…I don’t know. What's going on? I thought girls don't poop.

Side note: The fat guy from finance just went in there. Stay clear for the next 35-45 minutes.

Moustache:
Having a dog means talking to complete strangers on the street. My dishwasher is quite possibly the loudest dishwasher in the universe. I heard Baron Davis and Steven Jackson were partying at The Matrix in the Marina following their win over Portland a few nights back. The taco truck near my office has posted a health inspector rating of 100…is that possible? I sent our blog link to Bruce Jenkins a columnist at the Chronicle yesterday…4% chance he reads it. I had a turkey sandwich on Saturday, my first piece of meat in 2008. Olives and sun dried tomatoes can ruin a perfectly good meal. For the third consecutive year I’ll be out of town when Dave Matthews comes to perform. Everyone says the Sharks may win the Stanley Cup this year and I could care less. Jericho is devastated about the news of Dungeons & Dragons founder Gary Gygaz passing away. He’s taking the day off of work today to gather his thoughts. Our thoughts are with Jericho and the entire Gygaz family.

Is it Friday yet?

Apple
I’m still pissed about Diablo Cody winning an Academy Award for Best Screenplay. Look, Juno was a good movie. Hell, Juno was a great movie. But best screenplay? No way. There were so many RTs, so much forced teenage dialogue, so many moments where I cringed because that’s just not the way kids talk. I feel like crusty old Academy voters felt like they were finally connecting to a younger generation and assumed the dialogue was ‘just the way the kids talk these days’. So they voted for it. Can you imagine when you tell grandpa something and he replies “serious to blog?”. Yuck. On the other hand, you have to appreciate that Diablo Cody became the first screenwriter to win an Oscar and then have naked pics of her posted on the internet the next day. Glad it was her and not Tony Gilroy.

Side note: That pic is not of Diablo Cody. It's of Antonella Barba, from last season's Amercian Idol. Know your pop culture. Thank you.

Moustache
Drinking at the movies is not only encouraged here at A&M it is strongly recommended. (if you’re 21 or older, of course.) We’re always scouting good movies to bring a little Southern Comfort along. Some previous favorites? Little Miss Sunshine, Because of Winn Dixie (come on, it was Dave Matthews) and Blades of Glory. Next on our radar? Step Brothers. Will Farrell owns this category. We wanted to see Into the Wild but it seemed a bit blasphemous to be getting tanked as we watched a guy starve to death on screen. Unfortunately I went empty handed to see Fred Claus. It would’ve taken at lot more than a pint to make that movie good.

Apple
You know who would fit perfectly into the Niners and Mike Martz’s offense? Colt Brennan. The Niners could draft him in the 5^th round, nab Devin Thomas (WR from MSU) in the 1^st round and build a team that can actually move the ball. There was a telling point last season when Nate Clemens picked off a pass and the announcers were saying he had to score if the Niners had any chance of winning. He didn’t score on the return. And, not surprisingly, they didn’t win.

Moustache
I’m not watching American Idol, not since AG was voted off. I am watching Project Runway and am not afraid to admit it. I could listen to The Beatles’ Abby Road all day long. My new apt has a back yard which has and will change my life. My dog only has one eye. I haven’t had a proper drink in 2+ weeks. Washington plays Stanford tonight and it’s not on TV. Is that really how bad the Huskies are? The Giants first spring training game is today. I will pick Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain with my first 2 picks in every Fantasy Baseball league I’m in this year. I landed 2 tickets to see Eddie Vedder in Berkeley in March. I’ll probably scalp them both. I feel like head butting everyone at work today. And not in a celebratory way.

A Few A&Ms for a Wednesday

Apple
The recent “I’m Fucking” videos have served as a glaring reminder of just how big the coolness gap between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck is. Matt did it first; Matt did it better and, like most of his acting performances, Ben’s video tries a little too hard. This debate was decided a long time ago - right around the time Matt was premiering the first Bourne movie and Ben was offering to floss for Jenny but she turned it down because after all, if she was ever in the mood for flossing she had her own – but if you need another reminder, there it is.

Moustache
Think about this question before answering, kids. Would the world be a better place if we could push a button and immediately remove all a) religion b) nuclear weapons or c) disease?

Got your answer? If you answered “b” or “c” you’re a moron.

Apple
Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds were recently seen hanging out in Vegas together, partying at Pure and gambling until 5am. Through our contacts at the Hard Rock, we actually got a transcript of a conversation the two of them had at a blackjack table very late at night, take a look:

BB: Man, I got that Queen again! Barry hate the way this bitch look at him!

TO: That white bitch ain’t know shit. Let’s get some waffles.

BB: Barry can’t eat no waffles. Barry don’t eat nothing that he don’t know what in it.

TO: (tearing up) You can’t talk about waffles like that. It’s not fair. Okay? It’s not fair. That’s my favorite. That’s my breakfast.

BB: Barry hate this hand! Okay, Vegas, you win. You wanted to break Barry, well you broke him. You wanted Barry to jump, well the wind is blowing Barry’s hair around and Barry’s clothes are flapping back and forth because Barry jumped and now gravity is working on Barry.

TO: Gravity don’t work on TO! TO decide what shit goes up and when that shit come down!

BB: Barry agree!

TO: You hungry yet?

BB: No, Barry ain’t want no chewing! Barry decide when Barry eat and when Barry…Barry starving!

TO: Oh shoot.

Apple
The Justice Department has been ordered to investigate whether or not Roger Clemens committed perjury by lying in his senate hearing a few days ago. In other news, Congress has convened in an emergency session to determine who actually was the best dressed at the Oscars, Senator Horman Cranst (R, Oregon) will shave his scrotum in a special session so that the Senate can finally answer the age old question of “does shaving your balls really make your dick look bigger?” and the Supreme Court will decide the legal implications of Panic at the Disco dropping the exclamation point.

Moustache
I know we joke a lot here at A&M, but I wanted to call attention to a very cool, very important event that happened a few days ago. The New York Philharmonic recently visited North Korea for a seminal, 2-day run that was an operatic movement towards peace and unity. For a brief moment, cries of “terrorism!” and “sanctions!” went as deaf as Ludwig van Beethoven and the only WMD on hand were Wolfgang Mendelssohn Dyoshtetevsky. We may not be able to orchestrate a treaty, but we can orchestrate an orchestration. Bravo.

Apple
Yahoo! turning down MSFT’s bid happened a few weeks ago, but I was busy and didn’t get to chime in, so here goes: Yahoo! turning down MSFT is akin to having Alessandra Ambrosio offer to blow you twice a day but turning it down because you’d rather just wear silk boxers.

Yahoo! is fucking Betamax, that’s how fucking worthless they are at this point. This will be remembered as one of the dumbest and costly decisions of all time. No offense to Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang, but you are wong on this. Way wong.

A Few A&Ms for a Friday

Apple
Had about four minutes to eat lunch yesterday and ran over to a sketchy Mexican place where I heard a woman in a power suit ask the woman at the register, “what’s good here?” Are you kidding me, lady? You don’t ask what’s good at a sketchy Mexican place, you order the simplest thing on the menu and pray that you can get through the meeting before the diarrhea kicks in.

Moustache
You know you’re at a “boys weekend” when the subject of sexual exploits comes up and someone says, “I beat that pussy like it owed me money.” Fair. Totally fair.

Apple
Did anyone see the lunar eclipse the other night?!?! Big fucking whoop. Seeing a lunar eclipse is kind of like seeing Meg Ryan naked, everyone should do it once and then just move on.

Moustache
If you had a long drunken night with your buddies and are laying in bed trying to figure out how much money you spent, here’s a great litmus test: if there are pictures of you in a limo and you have no recollection of being in a limo then you spent a shitload of money.

Apple
Two fun celebrity-oriented headlines and two bad jokes to go with them:

"Stars who attended Punk'd star Ashton Kutcher's 30th birthday party in New York are among those being urged to get a vaccination against Hepatitis A."

After getting Punk’d, Ashton’s friends now have to get Prick’d! Or, now that’s what I call schwag!

“There are two new kids on the block joining Jenny.”

Don’t be fooled by the twins that I popped, I got an extra stitch in my twat. Or, the Earth welcomed two more people who hate that "El Cantante" movie.

Apple
Oscar predictions:

Best Picture
Will Win: No Country
Should Win: No Country

Actor
Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis
Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis

Actress
Will Win: Julie Christie
Should Win: Helena Bonham Carter (not nominated)

Supporting Actor
Will Win: Javier Bardem
Should Win: Tommy Lee Jones (not nominated, but I’m more than happy with Javier winning)

Supporting Actress
Will Win: Cate Blanchett
Should Win: Amy Ryan

Original Screenplay
Will Win: Juno
Should Win: Michael Clayton

Adapted Screenplay
Will Win: No Country
Should Win: There Will Be Blood

More...Apples and Moustaches

Apple:
If you’re a regular reader, which we’d assume you are, then you read yesterday how we hyped Baron Davis’ 4^th quarter heroics. Then, if you are an avid Bay Area sports fan, which again we’d assume you are, you watched the Warriors play Boston last night and witnessed Davis end the game at the buzzer with a leaning jumper. What’s my point? I have none. But last night, when the Warriors got the ball with 6 seconds left, there wasn’t a single person on the court, in the arena or watching on TV that didn’t think Baron Davis was taking that final shot. To watch it executed was pure brilliance. I’m telling ya – the Warriors are the best team in the NBA to watch. Now if they can only pull of a trade in the next hour before the deadline to land a big man. That would be something sweet huh?

Moustache:
Top 5 music albums I’m listening to this week:

1. Radiohead – In Rainbows
2. Daft Punk – Alive 2007
3. Elliot Smith – Either/Or
4. Band of Horses – Cease to Begin
5. Hot Chip – Made in the dark

Apple:
Dude – fuck this rain. Seriously. Enough all ready.

Moustache:
One thing they didn’t tell you about being a grown up: cable TV is fucking expensive. I just paid $160 to Comcast this month. For TV and Internet. You’d think I’d get a complimentary reach around for that amount. Nope, just TV and Internet. I think I’m getting hosed. Sure, I have 800 channels, but I only watch like 9 of them. There should be a way to just pay for the channels you want. Like an a la carte selection of shows. Have you ever seen all the crap they put on there? Nobody watches the Motorcross channel or the Fun with Kittens channel.

Side note: The NFL combine starts today. USC leads the invite list with 12 followed closely by Virginia Tech with 11. Cal has 7. Still trying to find a count for Washington. The NFL Network has full coverage if you want to watch at home. I however do not get the NFL Network. It costs more. No really.

Apple:
In case you missed it, Jericho is MIA this week. He’s being a big fat pussy. I just got off the phone with him. He’s at the Moscone Center for some big nerd trade show. He’s the leader of the nerds, so they need him there to orchestrate the nerdiness. Hurry on over cause at 1pm Jericho is conducting a panel called “Making the Light Saber a Reality: A plan for anal masturbation.” Nerd.

Moustache:
You know who has a dumb face? Chad Ford. That’s who.

Apple:
Miss L is a pervert. Sweet.

Moustache:
I can’t tell if this site is cool. I’m leaning towards not really. Actually I just checked it out even more. It’s super creepy. Do not click on the link. I repeat, do not click on the link. This is as creepy as taking a ‘personality test’ on the side of the road and then continuing to get mail in the months to come encouraging you to visit the local Church of Scientology. This is as creepy as the single gay guy who lives below us and has thousands and thousands of framed paintings of children dressed in early 19^th century clothing. Well, not that creepy, but you get the point. You’ve been warned.

Apples and Moustaches - cause the sun came out

Apple:
I’ve always hated watching the NBA during the regular season. It’s just one-on-ones and lackluster effort until the last 5 minutes or so when the ‘star’ player just drives to the lane and hopes for an 'and one' situation. But all that has changed this season with Golden State. Now this is a team I can rally behind. They’re explosive, they’re fast paced and they play as a team. And is there a cooler player in the NBA than Baron Davis? There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that when it comes down to the 4^th quarter, Baron is getting the ball and Baron is going to score. Monta Ellis may actually be the best player on the team and Steven Jackson plays like a fucking maniac. How about a new slogan for this season: “Warriors basketball. Bring it bitch.”

Moustache:
Rumor Mill: The Niners are interested in DeSean Jackson with their 1^st round pick. Here’s a message to the brain trusts at the Niners…what the fuck are you thinking? DeSean Jackson is the most overrated player coming into the draft since Tony Mandarich. This guy is a bust in the making. My prediction? He’s injured and out of football in 2 seasons…tops. Look, I’m not wishing any harm on him, but he’s just not physically strong enough to compete at the NFL level. And word on the street is that DeSean Jackson doesn’t work out. Ever. Hmm. Sounds like a great plan for a prosperous NFL career.

Side note: I’m not sure who the Niners should take with the 29^th pick overall. I’m going to defer to Jericho on this one. For some reason he’s really good at this sort of stuff. Last year all he talked about was how the Niners should pick some stud LB named Patrick Willis. Nuff said. We’ll let Jericho weigh in on this one.

Apple:
Can baseball please get here any quicker? Every year, without fail, my brother calls me and tells me, in earnest, that he thinks we have a shot at winning it all this year. Well you know what? He just called. And I think this year he’s making some sense. I’m reading articles about the Giants like they’re laced with crack cocaine. And not that cheap shit you find on Market and 8^th, I’m talking Union and Fillmore crack….the good stuff. Did you know we have a SS prospect named Brian Bocock? How fucking sweet is that? Look, I may make fun of our lineup and I may laugh when we send Brian Wilson out in the 9^th to seal the deal…but I sure as shit believe in this team and believe they are going to compete for the NL West.

Side note: My friend Brett put together a cool baseball pool this year where you pick which teams will win the division, guess who will win the major awards, who will have big stats, etc. It’s only 20 bucks to enter. And it’s a whole season of fun. Email me if you want in.

Moustache:
Question: Is the strike going to affect TV ratings when shows are back on the air? I find myself happy that I haven’t been glued to the TV as much. Sure, I miss The Office and 30 Rock, but no longer am I rushing to get home on Wednesdays for the Bionic Woman. Damn it! That girl on girl thing they were insinuating was just about to come to fruition. Anyways, as long as Road Rules/Real World is still in tact then who cares what happens to the rest of ‘em. Right?

Apple
Best dunk of the Slam Dunk Contest: The Birthday Cake…by Gerald Green. Look, Dwight Howard is amazingly talented and can jump out of the gym. But he’s also 6’10”. He SHOULD be able to dunk with ease. He’s not Rayne Mahaffey for fuck’s sake. Gerald Green on the other hand showed the most creativity in my opinion. Wow! Dwight Howard put on a cape?! What a zany guy!

Side note: In 2001, when Vince Carter competed, it was hands down the most exciting dunk contest of all time. Better than the Jordan/’Nique showdowns of the 80s. There. I said it. Nothing else has even come close. Get off your high horse Magic.

3 Apples, 2 Moustaches

Apple
You gotta watch who’s buttering your bread these days. It’s a tricky world out there and it’s only getting trickier. With TIVO and DVR becoming more prevalent, advertisers are getting sneakier about product placements. Witness Real World/Road Rules Challenge, they wear Under Armour clothes, they compete for a Zune and they eat all of their meals at the Chili’s Diarrhea Galleria. Ok, I made that last one up. But it’s everywhere. I was just on CNN.com and one of the top stories was about how this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover image was “magic.” I was confused. Until I realized that CNN owns SI. Magic? I’ll be the judge of that.

Moustache
Pitchers and catchers report tomorrow. The Giants will be interesting to watch again because of their pitching. Other than that this team falls pretty flat. Dan Ortmeier, Kevin Frandsen and Nate Schierholtz…sounds like the western regional sales team for First Choice Life Insurance. Nope, folks. That’s your SF Giants. Side note: Barry Zito will have a great year. I am positive of this. He is such a head case and last year was way too much pressure. But now he’s had time to cool off. He’s recognizably not even the best pitcher on this staff. It’s a perfect scenario for Zito. Could this be the first year a SF Giant wins the Cy Young?

Apple
The incessant man-crying on The Biggest Loser has to stop. So does the psycho therapy. We get it. You’re fat. Your parents divorced at an early age. You found solace in food. Boo-hoo. Now shake it off and get back in the gym. I want to see nothing else on this show besides, challenges, temptations, workouts and a breakdown of everything they put into their body. If you’re keeping track at home (which I am) it took 8 episodes before they made any mention of an actual food they’re putting into their body (save the product placements for Quaker Oatmeal, Extra Gum, etc). Last night we were told that a turkey sandwich for lunch with a piece of fruit is a great way to stave off hunger. Thanks. Brilliant insight.

Moustache
Fuck Roger Clemens. If he would’ve just manned up and apologized or said he needed a little dab of HGH to get over a painful injury (who hasn’t) then we would’ve all forgave him and moved on. But no. He’s trying to prove a point and in the end he’s gonna end up looking like a bitch. He’ll never make the Hall of Fame and his name will forever be synonymous with steroid users like Bonds, Sosa and McGuire. Step 1 for Roger, fire your PR guy/advisor. Step 2, stop injecting family members with HGH. Step 3, move the compound to Montana and open up a slaughterhouse like Bo Jackson did. Live off the millions, join the local hunting association and drink with the locals at the pub. Is it a sad way to end your illustrious career? Yes. Is it better than the alternative which is making us all watch you get picked apart in the media culminating in a Sunday Conversation on ESPN with Roy Firestone (remember that guy?) where you break down and say you did it for the love of the game? I think so. Whatever. I hate that I wasted my breath on you today.

Apple
Heidi Montag is smoking hot. There, I said it. Her video? Despicable. Her boyfriend? Such a tool. Her 15 minutes of fame? Almost up. Her next video, also filmed and directed by said d-bag boyfriend? To be released any day now. Anybody who spends 99 cents on her song on iTunes is dumber than Roger Clemens’ disaster control advisor. On a side note, the new season of The Hills is filming now and should start again in the fall. I can’t wait.

5 Apples, 4 Moustaches

Apple

Brangelina. Bennifer. Even Billary Clinton. You know what? The Giants’ Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum need a nickname too. I’m thinking Lin-ce-cain. Or, Cain-ce-cum. On second thought maybe just Cain and Cum. Nope. That doesn’t work either. Back to the drawing board.

 

Moustache

Here’s the deal. If you’re a bartender with great tits it doesn’t mean you can try to rip people off. Saturday night, I had a few drinks, I stumbled to the bar, ordered a drink and handed the bartender a 20. She giggled, took my 20 and put it in the cash register…then went to the next person. I waited for her to return. She finally came back, giggled and handed me 50 cents. Again, I waited. She came back for a third time and said (in a voice that sounded like a chipmunk) ‘whoops, you gave me a 20, not a 5, right?’ Bitch. Good luck with those tits. It’s all you’ve got.

 

Apple

I love the new strategy for the Britney campaign. Make her the victim! Blame it all on Sam Lufti. Make it seem as though he’s been the culprit behind the months and months of her bat shit crazy rampage. The public loves a good victim story, right? I can see the outcome already…three months of psychiatric rehab. Then, she gets her kids back. Then, a heart-to-heart with Barbara Walters during May sweeps. Schedule the comeback tour. She becomes the new face of Maybeline (maybe she’s born with it?) and in 30 years she’s headlining at Cesar’s Palace in a sing-along/poetry reading event titled ‘An evening with Britney.’ I can’t wait.

 

Moustache

We posted a few rules, guidelines, and friendly get-to-know-yas on the right. It’s under a header titled ‘We are Apples and Moustaches.’ When you read the title, please read it like you’re Matthew McConaughey in ‘We are Marshall.’ Thank you.

 

Apple

I’ve been working out to Kanye West’s album Graduation for far too long now and I have a problem with it. There are directly contradicting statements from Kanye that throw me off every time I hear them. On the song ‘Stronger’, Kanye says ‘Now that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger.’ Fantastic motivation right? Perfect for working out. Then, three songs later on ‘Can’t tell me nothing’ Kanye directly contradicts himself by saying he takes it easy…‘Cause when you try hard that’s when you die hard.’ Now how the fuck am I supposed to get ‘stronger’ but not ‘try hard’. What the fuck Kanye? Explain yourself.

 

Moustache

I’m not a big Peyton Manning fan, never have been. But on Sunday I was so impressed with him and frankly I liked him more than I ever have before. When TV cameras kept switching to his booth and showed how into the game he was, it was really cool. He was supporting his little brother, wanting him to succeed. And he let Eli have his moment. He didn’t come down onto the field to congratulate him and you’ll be hard pressed to find a quote from him about the game. Sure, Peyton is a gigantic scrotum but for the first time in a long time, I didn’t hate him.

 

Apple

Crank up the rumor mill. How nice would Roy Williams or Chad Johnson look in a Niners jersey next season? Not sure who’d be throwing him the ball but one of those guys could really jump start our offense. At most they would cost us a 2^nd round pick. My two cents? Draft a defensive lineman then trade the 2^nd round pick for one of these dudes.

 

Moustache

A general rule of thumb is we never post pictures of dudes with their shirts off. Especially d-bags like Leonardo DiCaprio. But needless to say, this one had to be posted. Ladies and gentlemen, Bar Refaeli.

Apple

Lastly, today is national signing day for preps to college. Fingers crossed Washington can find some stud receivers to compliment Jake Locker next season. Locker for Heisman in 2008.

Mid-Week Apples and Moustaches

Apple:
We’re only days away from the Super Bowl! It’s the most wonderful time of the year. I will watch, read and digest every ounce of information I can find. For all you haters bitching because it’s New York vs. Boston. Or saying you don’t want Eli to have a Super Bowl ring or the Patriots to make history…snap out of it. This is the last bit of football we get until the combine in April.

Moustaches:
Pitchers and catchers report in 15 days. (I got a semi just typing that sentence.)

Apple:
The more I go to small boutique coffee houses the more I realize that Starbucks coffee is just plain shit. There’s no two ways around it. It’s not to say all small coffee places have supreme coffee but as a whole they are 10 times better than Starbucks. It’s like going to McDonalds versus a burger joint. The problem? When you need a caffeine fix and the only nearby place is a Starbucks you’re fucked. I’d rather let Sam Lufti handle my personal affairs than drink a Soy Latte from Starbucks.

Side note: Jericho’s response to my soy latte at Starbucks - “I'd rather shave my legs with cottage cheese than order a soy latte.” and "I'd rather take tae bo with a tampon in then order a soy latte." Sweet.

Moustache:
The first single was leaked online today for the new band She & Him.
Download it here: "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?"- She & Him

Apple:
Oooo SNAP! Check out this crazy plug-in for your iTunes. It syncs with your music library and tells you when artists are performing in your area.
(Thanks Kendall)

Moustache:
Whew, Miss L is back up and running over at The Champagne Bubble after her site mysteriously disappeared for a few weeks. Nobody said she was a tech genius.

Apple:
So much has already been said about this but I’m going to add my two cents. I hate that the Warriors picked up Chris Webber. For a group that thrives on their supreme teamwork and “mojo” to add a cancer to their locker room could be devastating. Look at the Patriots and Randy Moss. Yes, I just contradicted myself there. But that’s the exception and not the norm. For every Randy Moss and the Patriots there’s an A.J. Perzynski and the Giants. Fuck that guy.

Moustache:
I love the word ‘gait’. I don’t use that word enough. Like, damn, that chick has a hitch in her gait.

Apples and Moustaches - Thursday

Apple:
The only acceptable umbrellas are the ones that can fit 2 or more people in them. These umbrella’s for 1, which are a bit more bell shaped, piss me off. It’s more ‘fuck you’ and less ‘share some shelter with me’. While we’re at it, you should have to be at least 5 foot 7 to carry an umbrella on a crowded sidewalk.

Moustache:
New life rule: never trust a man who voluntarily wears a bow tie

Apple:
“I was like the Miley Cyrus of my generation” - Debbie Gibson

Moustache:
Drinking tea is kind of like jerking off to Playboy. Sure it has its own merits and is fun for a while but at the end of the day it just doesn't get the job done.

Apple:
Dear Dolphins,

Don't do something stupid like every team does when they have the #1 pick, just do the simple thing and take the best player on the board. Don't worry about what position he plays, just take the best player, Trust me on this one. Take McFadden. Just take him. Trust me on this.

Sincerely,
Someone who fucking hates the Dolphins but loves the draft.

Moustache:
Fearless ‘who’s going pro’ after this season predictions:

1. Michael Beasely, Kansas St – LEAVING
2. Kevin Love, UCLA – STAYING
3. OJ Mayo, USC – LEAVING (or kicked out)
4. James Harden, Arizona State – LEAVING
5. Eric Gordon, Indiana - STAYING

Apple:
My birthday is coming up. Anyone wanna get this for me?

Moustache:
Scarlett Johansson has a new album coming out and has some incredible producers helping her out. Has any actor successfully made the leap as a respected music artist? For every Juliette Lewis there’s a hundred Russell Crowes. (we’re still crossing our fingers Zooey Deushanel pulls off the crossover.)

3 Apples & 2 Moustaches

Apple
A recent headline:
George Clooney has offered to act as a mediator between the Writers Guild of America (WGA) union members and Hollywood bosses in a bid to end the strikes.

I mean, is there anything that Clooney can’t do? Did you know that his stubble cures cancer and his pee tastes like friendship?

Moustache
Politics:
Not our normal forte obviously, we specialize in balls, boobs and booze here at A&M, but if you’ll allow me to climb on a tall horse for a second…look, there are three really good Democratic candidates this year, all smart, well-spoken, driven and likable, all three seem to genuinely care and I truly believe that either of them would make a good President. I’ve watched the debates, read the materials from their Web sites and honestly, I can’t tell any of them apart. They all have the same goals, ending the war, improving healthcare, increasing the standing and perception of the US around the world – but they take different roads to get there and bicker constantly about the specifics. I have three thoughts on this:

1) Vote for the candidate that you connect with the most on a personal level; you have to trust that whoever the Dems put forward is going to have a strong agenda, your job is to pick the person that you’ll want to look at and listen to for the next 4 years

2) The general feeling of apathy that has permeated our country the last 5-6 years is fucking staggering. Bush has made us feel hopeless, uninspired, lost, that more than anything needs to change this election

3) Vote. Honestly, vote Republican. Vote for a horse. It doesn’t matter. Our generation votes at historically low levels, let’s change this (p.s. if you vote for a Republican or a horse don’t ever fucking read this page again – my diplomacy only goes so far you red neck fuck)

Apple
Three closing thoughts on the Hawks’ season:

1) I really hope Holmgren stays, there’s such a good foundation, we’re 2-3 players away from being a contender, but more than that, this team is built on his system, if he leaves and we can’t find a West Coast guy to replace him we’ll take a major step back

2) Sign Trufant and let DJ Hackett, Josh Brown and Locklear walk. Cut Marcus Pollard. Try and get Burleson and Alexander to take pay cuts. Hope that Chris Gray retires if not cut him. Sign an OG but not Alan Faneca; he’s too old and too expensive. Give Alexander one more year; if he falters again cut him next winter.

3) We need to use the draft to get a RB, a TE and to start rebuilding the offensive line. If Trufant leaves then DB will also jump to the top of the list. If for some crazy reason Jonathan Stewart, Fred Davis or Jeff Otah were there for us at 25, I’d jump up and down and grab my crotch thunderously.

Moustache
Three quickies on the Golden Globes:

1) Best picture is a two horse race between No Country and Atonement, and it looks like Sweeney Todd will eclipse Juno in the “no, we don’t only nominate stuffy dramas” best pic nom

2) Best actress and best actor seem to be all but decided, Julie Christie and Daniel Day-Lewis look pretty unchallenged at this point

3) The Globes are a very overrated Oscar predictor, pay attention to what the SGA and DGA do, those have much better track records

Apple
The current state of indie bands:
Thank God for The National, Kings of Leon, Band of Horses, Iron & Wine and LCD Soundsystem – in other words, I’d like to officially welcome back beards, booze and beer guts to the indie rock scene. Thank Fucking Christ. The skinny, black jeans, coked-up guyliner shit had to fucking go and let’s hope it stays dead forever, welcome back flannel shirts, boots and Mr. Jack Daniels.