Monday, December 3, 2007
An candid interview with a gal named V
After repeated requests to interview Shaun Alexander were either turned down by the Seahawks’ PR team or ignored all together, A&M received the following email out of the blue three days ago:
I’ll speak to you. I’m calling all the shots from here on out.
Confused, curious, but wary of a trap after ridiculing Sean several times on the site, we proceeded cautiously. Who was V? A new PR person? A bodyguard luring us into a trap? The answer was both frightening, enlightening and all together disgusting. What follows is a condensed email chain between A&M and the mysterious V. If you are faint of heart, have strong religious beliefs or just hate reading long, rambling interviews with a former MVP’s vagina, read no further.
A&M: Hello V, my name is Jericho Royall and I’m the funny one from Apples & Moustaches, I’ve been trying to interview Shawne Alexander for months about his horrid play and sagging gooter, can you help me get in touch with him?
V: I can do better than put you in touch with him. I can put you in him.
A&M: In him? That’s a little too Bye, Bye, Bye for me, maybe I could send you some questions you could ask.
V: No, no, no, you don’t understand, I’m with Shaun, right now, I’m with him everywhere he goes. I can speak for him.
A&M: Are you his publicist? Reverend? Skinny black man in leather pants and chains who rubs Vaseline on his head and tells him that even when runs like a scared nine yr old girl scout he’s still the starting RB on God’s team?
V: No. Better. When he cuts, I cut. When he squats, I squat. When he queefs, I have too much air inside of me.
A&M: Wait a minute! Do you mean…?
V: Yes. I am Shaun Alexander’s vagina.
A&M: But of course! It all makes so much sense.
V: Of course it does, my son.
A&M: Hold on a second though. How are you able to type?
V: Here’s a little known secret about Shaun, every night before bed he brings up his stats from the 2005 season on his computer, and how shall I say this, makes loves to them.
A&M: Do you mean he…?
V: Yes, he puts the mouse inside…and makes me scroll up and down and… I can’t go on, it’s too horrible!
A&M: You poor thing. Are you…um, checking his stats right now?
V: No, no. He had a really long stat check tonight; we even got into his high school numbers. Anyway, he fell asleep on his desk, I can reach the keyboard, but I don’t have much time. What do you want to know?
A&M: Well, I had about 10 questions prepared, but they all basically revolved around asking him if he had a vagina or not.
V: I guess we can close the book on that one!
A&M: We’re closing the book on a lot of things tonight, V.
V: Please, call me Shauna Tingleberry Alexandretta.
A&M: Is that really your name?
V: Well, not technically. But Coach Holmgren calls me that and I’ve grown quite fond of the way it sounds.
A&M: Wait a damn minute, are you telling me that Coach Holmgren knows about this?
V: Don’t do this to yourself, my child. The world has changed enough for one day, for your own sake I think you should stop your digging here.
A&M: Good point. Well, not that we know you exist, anything you’d like to say to the world?
V: Of course. I’m sorry, tell me again who I’m speaking with, you’re from Time Magazine, right?
A&M: Actually, no. I’m with Apples and Moustaches, an influential blog read by tens of people.
V: I see…will you send me the link please.
V: Splendid! I love it! Such whimsy! Such irreverence! If your blog was a vagina, it’d be Kordell Stewart’s!
A&M: Can we quote you on that?
V: Oh, you may, you may indeed!
A&M: Well, Shauna Tingleberry Alexandretta, this has been a profound experience speaking with you. In closing, anything you’d like to add, declare, or clear up?
V: Yes, thank you, child. First off, a man with a vagina is nothing to be laughed at, scoffed or feared. It’s a beautiful, natural thing. Second, while most would assume that a running back with a labia, uterus and fallopian tubes would be at a disadvantage, I think Shaun and I have proven that in fact it is a tremendous advantage, because it adds a bit more sensibility and caution to our game. Why throw ourselves head first into the line, when we can just dive and avoid contact all together? Why run in front of a charging, 250 lb linebacker when we can simply step to the right and easily avoid him? What you call being a “pussy” we call “protecting our pussy,” and we’ve done pretty well for ourselves because of it.
A&M: Thank you, Shauna. Thanks for your candor and for simultaneously proving and disproving everything I’ve ever thought about Seane Alexander.
V: Thank you, child. And good luck with your very entertaining, little…he stirs, he stirs, oh my goodness, he’s bringing up his stats from the 2003 Pro Bowl, lord have mercy on me!
A&M: Shauna? Shauna?
Well, folks, another groundbreaking story from the A&M News Team. This one wasn’t pretty, but then again, journalism isn’t meant to be pretty, it’s meant to be real.
Apples and Moustaches, trusted by tens, loved by Shaun Alexander’s vagina.