Wednesday, December 19, 2007
10 easy ways to improve your day or someone else’s
1. When a homeless person asks if you can spare some change, say “yes” in a very cheerful voice and keep walking
2. When an activist from a very worthy and / or innocuous cause, e.g., Greenpeace, Freeing Kids from Forced Labor in China, etc, asks if you would like to contribute to whatever it is they’re fighting for, say “hell no” in a very cheerful voice and keep walking. “Would you like to stop dolphins from being raped on the open seas?” “Hell no!”
3. When ordering your drink at Starbucks look at the person’s nametag and then say your name is the same as theirs. That little moment of “hey, we have the same name!” always brightens someone’s day.
4. Fake a limp for a few blocks; those looks of sympathy will cheer you right up.
5. Use loaded but totally acceptable words like “abort” and “penetrate” as much as possible in casual conversation. “I had a great idea but I now I can’t remember, guess my brain decided to abort that one!” “I’ve been on hold for ten minutes, I can’t seem to penetrate Bank of America today.”
6. Ask a pregnant woman if she knows who the mother of her baby is, because she does, and everyone likes to feel responsible.
7. Pretend your food has feelings; bullying your lunch is a great way to feel better about yourself.
8. Take your coat off on a cold day, throw it over your shoulder and then walk around complaining to everyone about how cold it is. I mean, people love to talk about the weather!
9. Feed your cat the cheapest, most generic cat food you can find but put a box of really expensive cat food on the counter. After all, ignorance is bliss!
10. Walk into a bar and order something totally made up like a “limping nun” or a "double chinned dolphin.” When the bartender asks what’s in it, say “vodka, ice and tonic water.” It always makes people happy to discover they have skills they never knew about.