Monday, December 17, 2007

The Football Hangover: 12/17/07

Fantasy Fuck You: Tom Brady.
Note: Neither Jericho nor I are in any fantasy playoffs this year but we are still following the action. Brady fucked people this past week. Royally fucked ‘em. Fucked ‘em like A-Rod just did to Scott Boras. Of course the funny thing about all of this is Brady could care less. His team is 14-0 the last thing on his mind is all of us losers out there screaming at our TV for him to huck it to Wes Welker. On behalf of my father-in-law (who was ousted from the playoffs because of you) and all of the rest of us out here in fantasy world…fuck you! (What am I saying? I can’t stay mad at you Tom Brady. It’s that chin dimple.)

Forty-Niner Football
The Forty Niners had a pulse this weekend. On Saturday night, Shaun Hill befuddled the sports world (or at least the 3,500 in attendance and the other 5,000 watching on TV) by dismantling the Bengals. Where did this guy come from?! (Maryland) How would you describe his playing style? (Poised) Alex Smith who? (Whom?)

On a side note, eat me Marshall Faulk and Deion Sanders. We know, you guys are legends…possibly the best at your positions of all-time, but if you’re going to do commentary of an NFL game then add some value. It seemed that every chance they got they would hype themselves or justify a good Niner play on the field by saying that it was against the Bengals. Idiots.

How bout them Browns?!
The team to be scared of this playoff season is the Cleveland Browns. They can beat you through the air, they can grind it out on the ground and they’ve got a stingy offensive line that is peeking at the right time. I wouldn’t want to face these guys in January in the snow…that’s for sure.

Dallas Cowboys
They'll be fine. They’re bored. Can you blame them? They’re biding their time until the NFC championship when they can stick it to the Pack again and make a dream Pats/Boys Super-Bowl matchup. Can’t you just feel the anticipation for when Costas turns to the ‘players’ lounge for Tiki, Bettis and Collinsworth’s thoughts on the match-up? It might go something like this:

Costas: What a match-up we have brewing Super Bowl Sunday. Let’s check in on the fellas in the player’s lounge to get a different perspective. Guys?

Collinsworth: Thanks Bob. This is going to be good stuff.

Bettis: Sho is.

Tiki: What I really like about this match-up is that both teams play with 11 guys on each side of the ball. When I played it was essential to have 11 guys on every play.

Bettis: Man, you didn’t ever play with no 11 guys on the field.

Collinsworth: Easy there big fella.

(Laughter ensues.)

Collinsworth: Back to you Bob.

Brett Favre
Favre passed Dan Marino as the all-time leader in passing yards. Who cares?! Die already will you? Aren’t you the same age as John Elway? Why couldn’t you just leave when he did…10 years ago?! Is anyone else sick of Brett Favre too? We get it, you’re old, you make stupid plays, you’re one tough s.o.b…haven’t you gotten enough accolades? Go open a car dealership in Madison, WI and leave us alone, please.

1 comment:

Miss L said...

What? No mention of Jessica Simpson rocking a PINK #9 jersey? No mention of Tony Romo having the worst game of his career? Side note, his second worst game ever was last December when his then girl Carrie Underwood showed up. Can we say performance anxiety? Let's all read too much into that. Good thing the guy's a 27 year old franchise QB with millions.