Friday, December 21, 2007

All I want for Xmas

Top 10 gifts I want this Holiday season (you paying attention darling?)

1) A fire engine:
Not one of the small van-like engines but one of those big fuckers. The ones where it takes a second driver to sit in the back to steer. The kind that is so loud tourists, children and marina chicks all scurry when it rolls by. Yeah. A big ass fire engine. I want one of them.

2) A shovel:
In case I’m ever channel surfing and I land on “Clash of the Choirs.” I’ll need to quickly put an end to the TV’s life for its devastating mistake. How many episodes will this last? 4? 2? Can it get any worse than this? The best part is in the previews when the announcer says “Four superstars…” and then they show Nick Lachey, some country singer, Michael Bolton (I swear!) and the other chick from Destiny’s Child. Or, this will be a huge success and we’ll be a little bit closer to understanding why everyone on this planet hates us.

3) A pro sports team:
Fledging or otherwise, it really doesn’t matter. Any of the major three sports are required, football or baseball is preferred. I think the Dolphins are for sale as are the Mets. If I got the Dolphins I would insist their logo got a facelift then I would cut their entire offense. Everyone. Even you Ted Ginn, Jr. If I owned the Mets…hell, I’d see if it came with a gift receipt. What a bunch of d-bags those guys are huh? (note: If I want my friend Josh to call me back the best way is to insult his favorite team..I’m thinking my phone will ring right about …now.)

4) The Nirvana Unplugged DVD, now available for the first time.
Not much explanation needed other than when this aired for the first time I was 12 years old and was still trying to figure out why I had hair in weird places. I remember where I was the first time I ever heard Nirvana play – and it sounded like the apocalypse before I ever knew what that word meant. I want the DVD for 2 reasons: 1) so I can watch it on my own terms, in the comfort of my own home, with my exact recipe of extra curricular activities as I see fit. 2) So I can watch it over and over and over again. Can someone get this for me please?

5) A t-shirt from The Bucanneer.
A local bar on Polk St. It’s only $10 and the coolest one is a black shirt with a picture of a skull and cross bones on it. People would look at me on the street and be like “whoa, that dude is totally tits.”

6) A mini-basketball and mini-basketball hoop.
Just for old time’s sake. We’d put it up in the living room, Jericho would come over, and we’d play one-on-one with lineups from 1995. My three man rotation would consist of David Robinson, Charles Barkley and Tim Hardaway. Jericho’s would be Michael Jordan, Hakeem and Shawn Kemp. I asked him.

7) My own personal sushi chef.
How sweet would that be? Maybe 3-4 times a week, only at dinner time. I’ve only recently discovered Sushi and I love it. There are 2 things that can make sushi difficult to eat; 1) sometimes it can taste like feet and 2) sushi is expensive. Getting my own personal chef would solve both of these concerns…can somebody get this for me please?

8) A ‘batphone’ of celebrity gossip.
This is what I really need. A tap into whatever the hottest, juiciest, steamiest gossip in Hollywood may be. What would I do with this information? Sell it? Start my own gossip network? Nope. The only reason I want this magical gateway into gossip heaven is to once and for all beat my sister in the ‘who heard it first’ game. Man, that would be cool.

9) A food drier.
I love beef jerky. I want to make my own. I want to make steak jerky. I want to make salmon jerky. I want to make sushi jerky. I want to make burrito jerky. I want to make Jack and Coke jerky.

10) World Peace.
What? You thought I was just an asshole didn’t you?

Last thought: Check out


Anonymous said...

You. Will. Never. Beat Me. Never.

Anonymous said...

I loved that list. Your parents really let you down when you began seeing hair in strange yet tingly places. I can't believe they never got you any of that stuff when you were a kid.