Ten things I realized over the last 10 days

1. Tom Brady is our generation’s Muhammed Ali. At this point in his career he can do anything he wants. Run for President? Sure. Negotiate peace in the Middle East? Why not. Line up all of the Victoria’s Secret Angels for an off-season gangbang? Of course you can Tom. (shit – there goes my New Year’s resolution of not saying ‘gangbang’ in 2008.) At this point I don’t think any of our women are safe. That includes you Brad Pitt. Brady can do whatever he wants. You’ve been warned.

2. Taunting tigers, especially those who have been captive for their entire lies, is a really bad idea.


3. Fine, I’ll admit it, Juno was a great movie. Original, funny and engaging throughout. But I cannot get passed the forced nature of the dialogue in the opening few scenes. When Juno’s friend says ‘Phuket Thailand’ (instead of fuck…get it?) to make her point I got the RTs so bad I thought my skin was going to crawl off and go watch ‘I am Legend’ in the next theatre. Unfortunately I can still taste those 45 seconds of dialogue in the back of my throat…and it tastes nasty.


4. I still got it. My final stats from the Xmas day family football game (the 14th year we’ve done this) weren’t too impressive on paper (6 catches for 86 yards and a Patrick Willis-esque 14 tackles), but my sore hamstrings and shoulders told a different story. Our team lost a close one 21-7. We were denied two times from the 2-yard line and their receivers made some incredible catches in traffic (yes, you Michael). All in all, it gave my squad hope for the future. Xmas 2008…we’re coming back strong.


5. Gavin Newsom proposed to a new chick. Damn it he’s smooth. Oil tankers crashing, lions ripping apart residents and he’s out there charming the ladies. Rock on Gavin. Just watch out when Brady comes to town.


6. The Simpsons movie failed miserably. I laughed a total of 3 times. And that’s only after the booze started kicking in. It made me want to throw in South Park the movie. Now that’s a full-length animated movie done right.


7. Spicy Thai food plus a fifth of Jack Daniels makes for a messy New Year’s morning.


8. Hawaii and Illinois getting routed in their BCS games wasn’t much of a surprise to anyone. Neither are the endless ‘should be a playoff system’ articles floating around. What was surprising was Michigan beating Florida and Cal showing some chutzpah in coming back from 21-0 down to beat Air Force. A Longshore/Riley quarterback controversy will give those hippy Cal fans something to talk about over the off-season. That and what the fuck is wrong with Tedford.


9. Slip on shoes, no belt and a thin jacket will make your experience in the security line at an airport much smoother.


10. My wife just started reading the book Skinny Bitch. Being stuck on a plane for 2+ hours I leaned over her shoulder and started reading it as well. Shit. There are rumors now that our household will go vegetarian for 30 days. You read that correctly. Today is day 1. Hang on to your hats this is gonna get interesting.

All I want for Xmas

Top 10 gifts I want this Holiday season (you paying attention darling?)

1) A fire engine:
Not one of the small van-like engines but one of those big fuckers. The ones where it takes a second driver to sit in the back to steer. The kind that is so loud tourists, children and marina chicks all scurry when it rolls by. Yeah. A big ass fire engine. I want one of them.

2) A shovel:
In case I’m ever channel surfing and I land on “Clash of the Choirs.” I’ll need to quickly put an end to the TV’s life for its devastating mistake. How many episodes will this last? 4? 2? Can it get any worse than this? The best part is in the previews when the announcer says “Four superstars…” and then they show Nick Lachey, some country singer, Michael Bolton (I swear!) and the other chick from Destiny’s Child. Or, this will be a huge success and we’ll be a little bit closer to understanding why everyone on this planet hates us.

3) A pro sports team:
Fledging or otherwise, it really doesn’t matter. Any of the major three sports are required, football or baseball is preferred. I think the Dolphins are for sale as are the Mets. If I got the Dolphins I would insist their logo got a facelift then I would cut their entire offense. Everyone. Even you Ted Ginn, Jr. If I owned the Mets…hell, I’d see if it came with a gift receipt. What a bunch of d-bags those guys are huh? (note: If I want my friend Josh to call me back the best way is to insult his favorite team..I’m thinking my phone will ring right about …now.)

4) The Nirvana Unplugged DVD, now available for the first time.
Not much explanation needed other than when this aired for the first time I was 12 years old and was still trying to figure out why I had hair in weird places. I remember where I was the first time I ever heard Nirvana play – and it sounded like the apocalypse before I ever knew what that word meant. I want the DVD for 2 reasons: 1) so I can watch it on my own terms, in the comfort of my own home, with my exact recipe of extra curricular activities as I see fit. 2) So I can watch it over and over and over again. Can someone get this for me please?

5) A t-shirt from The Bucanneer.
A local bar on Polk St. It’s only $10 and the coolest one is a black shirt with a picture of a skull and cross bones on it. People would look at me on the street and be like “whoa, that dude is totally tits.”

6) A mini-basketball and mini-basketball hoop.
Just for old time’s sake. We’d put it up in the living room, Jericho would come over, and we’d play one-on-one with lineups from 1995. My three man rotation would consist of David Robinson, Charles Barkley and Tim Hardaway. Jericho’s would be Michael Jordan, Hakeem and Shawn Kemp. I asked him.

7) My own personal sushi chef.
How sweet would that be? Maybe 3-4 times a week, only at dinner time. I’ve only recently discovered Sushi and I love it. There are 2 things that can make sushi difficult to eat; 1) sometimes it can taste like feet and 2) sushi is expensive. Getting my own personal chef would solve both of these concerns…can somebody get this for me please?

8) A ‘batphone’ of celebrity gossip.
This is what I really need. A tap into whatever the hottest, juiciest, steamiest gossip in Hollywood may be. What would I do with this information? Sell it? Start my own gossip network? Nope. The only reason I want this magical gateway into gossip heaven is to once and for all beat my sister in the ‘who heard it first’ game. Man, that would be cool.

9) A food drier.
I love beef jerky. I want to make my own. I want to make steak jerky. I want to make salmon jerky. I want to make sushi jerky. I want to make burrito jerky. I want to make Jack and Coke jerky.

10) World Peace.
What? You thought I was just an asshole didn’t you?

Last thought: Check out http://ruinromo.com/...genius.