Apples and Moustaches

by Magglio and Jericho

Apple
Trent Green just signed a 3-year deal with the Rams. Um, wait a minute. Am I missing something? Isn't this the Trent Green who got knocked out of the NFL last season because of too many concussions? The same Trent Green who needs his a bib to eat because of too many pile drives from D-Lineman? Why would anyone pay this guy one more cent? Jonathan Papelbon makes only $900,000 a year and the Rams give Trent Green $9M including a $2.1M signing bonus? Somebody explain something to me. Please.

Moustache
I think we need a little more information before we crucify Eliot Spitzer over his rendezvous with a prostitute. First of all, how hot is she? How much did she charge and how did he tip? Was she a dancer that needed money or a crazy nympho that just needs the action? Did they do any kind or role-play? Was is it just straightforward sex or did it get nasty? Did she ever say anything crazy like “I bet your wife can’t take it up her ass, can she?” I want to know this shit before I hang this guy in the town square. (What does this have to do with his innocence? Nothing. But it’s not often you can read about porn and pretend to be working at the same time. So let’s go CNN.com, describe how she liked to be elbowed.)

Apple
The Giants have the worst exhibition record in the MLB to date. Barry Zito got shelled again yesterday. Tim Lincecum has a pulled groin. Omar Vizquel is out another 4 weeks. Noah Lowery just had surgery and somewhere Marvin Benard is having his over active hemorrhoids massaged by a one-eyed tranny. Kinda makes you miss the days of BALCO and HGH being the biggest problem in Giants camp doesn’t it?

Moustache
A new study shows that one in four teenage girls in the US has a sexually transmitted disease. That’s 25%! So if there are 1,000 girls at a high school then 250 of them have an STD. Man, remember how innocent teen sex used to be? You watch movies like Sixteen Candles or Say Anything and everyone is horny but confused and endearingly awkward. Now it’s like one enormous leper colony. I think we’re six months away from a 15 yr old boy shyly pulling his dick out and then bursting into flames. Doesn’t it seem like every generation gets a little more fucked up? Our grandkids will probably get STDs from fantasizing. “Were you thinking about pussy last night?! Damn it, don’t you know how dangerous that is!”

Apple
Two Vermont towns are voting to have Bush and Cheney arrested on charges of war crimes. Ben & Jerry’s, Phish and now this. Damn it I love Vermont.

Moustache
I’m sorry Clay Aiken but Patrick Dempsey has officially taken your title of biggest pussy in America based on the trailer for “Made of Honor.” You really have to watch this to believe it. It starts out like your basic cookie cutter fucking retarded romantic comedy but then at the 1:30 mark, something absolutely unworldly happens. I don’t know the right word for this, but let me put it this way: forget everything you know about pussy movies and the pussy men who star in them. This has absolutely redefined what is possible. Actually, what am I talking about? Don’t watch it, whatever you do, don’t watch it. Can we have some kind of man intervention with Patrick Dempsey? You know, the kind where we beat him with baseball bats?

Apple
The nationwide Tyler Hansborough handjob continues its assault on America. And if you think this is bad just wait till tourney time. We’re going to be watching the selection show Sunday and before each team is announced Billy Packard will compliment Hansborourgh. “Now let’s move to the West bracket. The number one seed out West goes to a team whose testicles are half the size of Tyler Hansborough’s. That team is UCLA.”

Moustache
How incredible is Day Light’s Savings? It’s only March and already it’s staying light out until 7:30. It makes you realize how dreary and depressing winter is. Spring forward is like jerking off with the other hand, getting a brand new pair of running shoes, putting on a doctor’s outfit and then giving a junior high baseball team their physicals or having a girl tell you, “man, you fuck like an elephant” – the whole world just feels fresh and new again.

Apple
Stay with me on this one…Benji Madden, the fat twin brother from Good Charlotte is dating Paris Hilton. Not to be confused with his brother Joel who is dating and knocked up Nicole Richie. This has to be the ultimate ‘anything you can do I can do better’ move on Paris’ part. I mean, she doesn’t actually like this fat fuck does she? Or is this just some gigantic marketing ploy on Fox’s part for next season’s follow up to the Simple Life series entitled “The Simple Life: Fucking Fat Twins”