Percentage Chance...

by Magglio and Jericho

Percentage chance Brett Favre is actually retired: 50%
When Aaron Rodgers takes the first snap then it’s official.

Percentage chance Christian wins Project Runway tomorrow night: 35%
The bitchy chick with no personality seems like she has the edge.

Percentage chance Barack Obama wins Texas and Ohio today: 65%
That bitch is played out. Time to rock out with your Barack out.

Percentage chance 6’8” high school Junior Britney Griner is actually a dude: 88%
Watch 1:45 on this video. Listen to her talk.

Percentage chance that Randy Moss does something really dumb now that he has the security of a three year contract: 87%

Percentage chance that this headline will appear on Espn.com after Randy Moss is arrested for driving with marijuana in his car: Rolling Stoned Gathers Much Moss: 100%

Percentage chance Sean Salisbury has a dildo strapped to his forehead right now and is “pleading” with Chris Berman to let him back into Bristol: 95%

Percentage chance that someone from ESPN will actually have an orgasm on air during a Favre montage this week: 96%

Percentage chance that Memphis and Kansas both won't make the Sweet 16: 67%

Percentage chance Stanford makes the Sweet 16: 75%

Percentage chance that Ryan Seacrest will accidentally out himself on national TV by thinking his mic is off and turning to Simon and saying: "God, I want to fuck you so bad": 68%

Percentage chance that Big Ben used a large portion of his signing bonus to totally supe up his Match.com account: 98%

Percentage chance that a video exists on the web of someone navigating their iPhone with the tip of thier penis: 100% - percentage chance that it's Steve Jobs: 97%

Percentage chance that Eddie Van Halen's mystery ailment turns out to be a major case of "you fucking suck give it up all ready": 98%

Percentage chance that at least one of the candidates will mention Brett Favre in a speech tonight: 17%

Percentage chance that a reporter is interviewing McCain and just thinks to himself "oh fuck it, I'm asking him if he got botox, his eyes are tighter than a baby's kneecaps": 82%

Percentage chance the next question is: Mr. McCain, would you say you're the greatest hero in American history, or the second greatest?": 100%

Percentage chance that "pouring syrup on her pancakes" becomes the hot sex move of 2008: 67%

Percentage chance that the editor of TIME who leads the first general election issue with the headline "Black vs Mac" will be fired immediately after: 100%

Percentage chance Noah Lowry actually caught the Mackey Sasser/Rick Ankiel bug: 33%

Percentage chance Nicole Ritchie is withholding breast milk from her new born baby because she thinks she’s getting fat: 80%