3 Apples, 2 Moustaches

Apple
You gotta watch who’s buttering your bread these days. It’s a tricky world out there and it’s only getting trickier. With TIVO and DVR becoming more prevalent, advertisers are getting sneakier about product placements. Witness Real World/Road Rules Challenge, they wear Under Armour clothes, they compete for a Zune and they eat all of their meals at the Chili’s Diarrhea Galleria. Ok, I made that last one up. But it’s everywhere. I was just on CNN.com and one of the top stories was about how this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover image was “magic.” I was confused. Until I realized that CNN owns SI. Magic? I’ll be the judge of that.

Moustache
Pitchers and catchers report tomorrow. The Giants will be interesting to watch again because of their pitching. Other than that this team falls pretty flat. Dan Ortmeier, Kevin Frandsen and Nate Schierholtz…sounds like the western regional sales team for First Choice Life Insurance. Nope, folks. That’s your SF Giants. Side note: Barry Zito will have a great year. I am positive of this. He is such a head case and last year was way too much pressure. But now he’s had time to cool off. He’s recognizably not even the best pitcher on this staff. It’s a perfect scenario for Zito. Could this be the first year a SF Giant wins the Cy Young?

Apple
The incessant man-crying on The Biggest Loser has to stop. So does the psycho therapy. We get it. You’re fat. Your parents divorced at an early age. You found solace in food. Boo-hoo. Now shake it off and get back in the gym. I want to see nothing else on this show besides, challenges, temptations, workouts and a breakdown of everything they put into their body. If you’re keeping track at home (which I am) it took 8 episodes before they made any mention of an actual food they’re putting into their body (save the product placements for Quaker Oatmeal, Extra Gum, etc). Last night we were told that a turkey sandwich for lunch with a piece of fruit is a great way to stave off hunger. Thanks. Brilliant insight.

Moustache
Fuck Roger Clemens. If he would’ve just manned up and apologized or said he needed a little dab of HGH to get over a painful injury (who hasn’t) then we would’ve all forgave him and moved on. But no. He’s trying to prove a point and in the end he’s gonna end up looking like a bitch. He’ll never make the Hall of Fame and his name will forever be synonymous with steroid users like Bonds, Sosa and McGuire. Step 1 for Roger, fire your PR guy/advisor. Step 2, stop injecting family members with HGH. Step 3, move the compound to Montana and open up a slaughterhouse like Bo Jackson did. Live off the millions, join the local hunting association and drink with the locals at the pub. Is it a sad way to end your illustrious career? Yes. Is it better than the alternative which is making us all watch you get picked apart in the media culminating in a Sunday Conversation on ESPN with Roy Firestone (remember that guy?) where you break down and say you did it for the love of the game? I think so. Whatever. I hate that I wasted my breath on you today.

Apple
Heidi Montag is smoking hot. There, I said it. Her video? Despicable. Her boyfriend? Such a tool. Her 15 minutes of fame? Almost up. Her next video, also filmed and directed by said d-bag boyfriend? To be released any day now. Anybody who spends 99 cents on her song on iTunes is dumber than Roger Clemens’ disaster control advisor. On a side note, the new season of The Hills is filming now and should start again in the fall. I can’t wait.

Apartment Hunting in SF

We’ve been looking for a new place to live. It’s time to venture out of our little corner of the city and experience new coffee shops, new homeless people and new awkward hellos with neighbors. It’s been 2 weeks now and though we’ve made progress we still haven’t found the perfect place. It’s been an interesting adventure with creepy landlords, weird smells and monitoring of police blotters. We’d like to impart some of our findings to you, in hopes of making your next apartment hunt a bit easier.

Ten things to keep in mind when looking for an apt in SF:

1. Craigslist is still the way to go. There are a lot of pretenders out there but when it comes down to it Craigslist has the most listings and is the easiest to search through. Plus, if you get bored, it’s only a few short clicks away from this type of thing. Brilliant. (Thank you immoral compass)

2. Key words to be aware of: Adorable, Quaint, Charming, Cute – this means the apartment is really fucking small.

3. Other key words to be aware of: Opulent, Luxury, Residence – this means the apartment is really fucking expensive

4. If the landlord showing you around follows your wife too closely, recalls in detail the contents of the previous tenant’s garbage, won’t look you in the eyes when you ask about parking in the area and occupies the unit above…skip it.

5. When you’re concerned about storage space and the agent showing the apartment offers up the bathroom’s tub and shower as a “good place for your stuff” then skip it.

6. It’s nice to smell fresh paint. But when the fumes are so overwhelming your eyes are watering, it’s a sign of trouble. The landlord is covering up something. Skip that apartment.

7. Be wary of prices too good to be true. The last place we checked out didn’t have a dishwasher, laundry, parking, outdoor area or internet accessibility. And it was listed as a “GREAT FIND…this place will GO FAST!” Asswipes.

8. If the listing says Bayview, Excelsior, or Visitacion Valley then skip it. Unless you want to dodge bullets on your way to the corner mart.

9. If the listing says Seacliff or Sunset then skip it. Unless you can handle jokes from your friends like “How is it living in Daly City?” or “Are we still in San Francisco” when they come to visit.

10. Don’t click on the absurdly expensive properties. It’ll just make you angry and wanting to TP the fuck outta them like it’s 8^th grade again. I got my eyes on you Octagon house.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving

Well, here we are. On the brink of the Holiday season. In 24 short hours we’ll be inundated with food, family and forced fun. Can you feel the excitement in the air? The correct answer is yes. Today does feel different. A few random observations on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Parking spots!
San Francisco becomes a ghost town on all major holidays (except for Halloween when we flaunt our weirdness.) The streets open up and parking no longer is the first thought on your mind when you go from place to place. It’s a beautiful thing. If you live here you totally get what I’m saying. If you don’t then stop calling it ‘Frisco, pay attention when you get off the cable cars, sidewalks are meant for walking not standing, tip the homeless and learn how to drive damn it!

Wednesday Night Plans
Traditionally, the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is one of the biggest party nights of the year. It’s a different type of party however. This isn’t the stay local, find a bar, and go to dinner sort of gathering. This is the back in town, hang out with high school friends, get drunk and sneak by your parents when you get home even though you’re a grown up now and there’s no reason to hide your drinking problem sort of party. It’s like a mini reunion with old friends. Who got fat? Who’s still stuck in high school glory days? Who’s gonna drive?

Travel
Yeah, good luck. Everything you read and hear about travel is not only true but grossly understated. It’s ugly out there. Everyone is moving at the same time. If you’re not traveling today, be thankful. If you are, what are you doing reading this blog? Get on the road damn it!

Final note: Good luck on Friday to Menlo-Atherton. They play Aragon at 7pm at Foothill College in the CCS Playoffs. Rip them to bits, MA.

I've got reservations about reservations...

My wife’s birthday is coming up and I want to take her to someplace nice for dinner. She’s been really excited about trying Quince again. We went there once a couple years ago and had an incredible time. This is one of those restaurants that’s more of an experience than just a good meal. It’s usually a 2-4 hour event, the service is flawless and the food is ridiculously creative. There’s only about 4 or 5 of these types of restaurants in San Francisco; the elite restaurants. My mind was made up, my only remaining hurdle was making the reservation.

So I call Quince. It’s midday on a Tuesday and the phone is busy. I call a few more times, still busy. Finally, I get through to a reservationist. She informs me that they only accept reservations a month in advance so I should call back exactly one month before we want to come in. No problem I say. “Our phone lines open at 10am,” she says. “Call at 10am,” she repeats.

Ok, ok, the reservationist loves her job, I tell myself. She wants to ensure all reservations are filled at all times. I was wrong. I called this morning at 10am and spent 25 minutes battling the rest of the universe to break through. I felt like I was dialing ticketmaster for Hannah Montana tickets. I finally got through, made a similar joke about ticketmaster, and requested a Saturday evening in December.

“Let’s see, we have a 5, 5:30, 9:00 or 10:00 available,” she tells me. What the fuck? All of the normal dinner times booked up in 25 minutes? This is getting out of control. The demand for these sittings is astronomical. How much would somebody pay for a prime 7:30pm dinner reservation on a Friday or Saturday night at an elite restaurant? There’s a business idea here.

Let’s open up an underground black market for reservations. We’ll call the moment reservations open up at Gary Danko, Quince, Slanted Door, Michael Mina, and French Laundry. We’ll squat on all of the best times and then we’ll resell them. How many well off individuals would easily pay $50 or $100 for a prime reservation at a top spot? There are buyers out there. We just need to carve out our nitch as sellers. And why can’t we expand this to hair appointments or doctor appointments? Don’t you hate making an appt. 3 months in advance. Wouldn’t you pay a little more for a better date and better time? This is huge.

Who’s coming with me?