Wednesday, October 17, 2007

5 things that everyone likes that I secretly hate

1. The Beastie Boys

I realize that hating the Beastie Boys is blatant disregard for my responsibilities as a pale, white male but I can’t help myself. I’ve never understood the draw, if I wanted to hear three skinny white dudes act hard and scream at each other I’d go play a game of basketball at the YMCA. The names kill me too: Mike D, Ad-Rock, MCA and Mix Master Mike yet their real names are Diamond, Yauch, Horovitz and Schwartz. Maybe if they were named the Bar Mitzvah Boys or the Roshashana Rambos they’d be cooler. Actually no, untalented, skinny white kids screaming will always be untalented, skinny white kids screaming

2. The Wizard of Oz

It baffles me how people can watch this movie all the way through without wanting to hurt someone afterwards. Forget about the lollypop gang, the flying monkeys, Toto, the scarecrow, the tin man, the witch and all the other annoying as fuck characters. The Lion! Holy shit the lion. The lion is the Jar Jar Binks of his generation, he ruins every scene he’s in, in fact he even ruins scenes he’s not in b/c 1) you’re pissed he was just on screen and 2) are pissed b/c you know he’s about to come back. Man, I hate this movie.

(Side note: did you know this is George Bush’s favorite movie? What the fuck? Can’t you just imagine him squealing with delight at the lollypop gang and repeatedly misquoting lines like, “Toto, Kansas is not where we are currently.” Shouldn’t favorite movies, books, TV shows, 90210 characters, Beatles songs and white wide receivers weigh more heavily into presidential debates? They all say the same fucking thing about everything anyway, if we did the debates over again and the moderator asked what their favorite movie was and Kerry said something cool like Full Metal Jacket and Bush said Wizard of Oz with a dumb little smile on his face, would the election still have had the same result?)

3. Moby Dick

Hey, I like long, overblown, melodramatic “classics” as much as they next guy, and this is definitely my favorite American novel that sounds like a venereal disease, but give me a break with this one. The premise is great, the action is awesome, but you know what kills this book? 975 pages about whaling techniques in the 1800s. Who gives a fuck? I don’t care about whale innards, rowing patterns, wind temperaments, just kill the fucking thing!

4. Whistling

Some people love doing this, I just don’t think it’s that cool.

5. Lost, Entourage, Alias, The Wire, Prison Break, Heroes, CSI, Scrubs and How I Met Your Mother

I’ve never actually seen a minute of any of those shows but already know I fucking hate every single one of them.

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