Eight weeks down. Eight more to go. At this point all we know is that we don’t know much. Two teams are at the top. There’s maybe three or four that will make some noise in the playoffs and the rest are complete garbage. What was once perfect parity in the NFL has shifted like a lumpy down comforter.
So, here at Apples and Moustaches we felt it necessary to take pause this week and hand out some mid-season awards. To be fair, and because neither of us would relinquish control, we both made our own selections.
We’ll start with the AFC today. The NFC, as it has been all season, will follow behind a bit later.
Best Offensive Player
Tom Brady – Duh.
Tom Brady - Did you know Brady is on pace for the greatest fantasy season of all time? Incredible. What’s more, just as the Pats have adopted the role as the NFL’s villains, Brady is now fully comfortable as GQ cover boy. He always looked a little uncomfortable on magazine covers, like he knew it was so sort of showy. Now he wears little page boy caps and alligator jackets to press conferences. More power to him I say.
Worst Offensive Player
JP Losman - This was supposed to be the coming out party for Losman and the Bills. Instead,
Every quarterback not named Tom, Peyton, Ben or Carson. Honestly has there ever been a larger collective of dog shit QBs in one conference before? J.P. Losman, Chad Pennington, Cleo Lemon, Steve McNair, David Garrard, Vince Young, Matt Schaub, Damon Huard and Daunte Culpepper. Remember when the quarterbacks were the coolest guys and always got chicks? What happened? Have you ever seen a larger group of fuck sticks in your life?
Herm Edwards – His exemplary performance on Hard Knocks aside, the Chiefs are 4-3. This is not a typo. A team quarterbacked by Damon Huard, with a decrepit offensive line and only one legitimate wide receiver (a rookie!) has a winning record. It’s hard to fathom. This team didn’t win a single pre-season game and now they sit atop the AFC West. Important to note, through 8 weeks, neither Bobby Sippio nor Boomer Grigsby has recorded an offensive stat. But, as far as I can tell, they’re still on the roster. That makes me warm inside.
Mike Tomlin - Not only has he revitalized the team, added toughness to both sides of the ball and made a franchise QB out of Big Ben, but he was able to spin his early success in The Program and Love and Basketball to a starring role on House. Impressive!
Eric Mangini - Forget for a second that the Jets were a playoff team last year and that they’re 1-7 now. Forget that Mangini came from the Belichick coaching tree and the Jets D has more holes than Britney’s custody defense. Mangini fucked himself and the entire league by giving the best team on earth another reason to be fired up this year. He wanted to fuck over Belichick and kick a little dirt on his mentor. Well, that backfired in a major, major way and insured that the Jets will never beat the Pats. They might not even get within 30pts for as long as Belichick is the coach. Way to go Eric!
The Patriots - Definitely one of the most dominant teams, on both sides of the ball, that I’ve ever seen in my life. However, let’s remember three things about the Pats before we hand them the Lombardi trophy: 1) the teams they beat have a combined 24-34 record. 2) They fucked with the karma Gods big time and this may come back to haunt them at some point. 3) Forget the first two points, this team is fucking unbelievable and we should go ahead and hand them the trophy.
Most Disappointing Team
Denver- Yes, Javon Walker is hurt. Yes, Champ has been banged up all year. Yes Travis Henry hits blizzies harder than he hits holes. But still, Jay Cutler needs to play better and the run defense has more holes than Travis Henry’s condoms. Where the fuck is the defense? How can a run D that ranked in the top 10 last year and didn’t lose anyone suddenly be last in the league? 32nd of 32 teams? Not only is this team 3-4, when I thought they’d be 6-1 or 5-2 at this point, but they’ve won all three games on last second field goals and very easily could be 0-7.