First-Half Awards - AFC

Eight weeks down. Eight more to go. At this point all we know is that we don’t know much. Two teams are at the top. There’s maybe three or four that will make some noise in the playoffs and the rest are complete garbage. What was once perfect parity in the NFL has shifted like a lumpy down comforter.

So, here at Apples and Moustaches we felt it necessary to take pause this week and hand out some mid-season awards. To be fair, and because neither of us would relinquish control, we both made our own selections.

We’ll start with the AFC today. The NFC, as it has been all season, will follow behind a bit later.

Best Offensive Player

Tom Brady – Duh.
~Magglio

Tom Brady - Did you know Brady is on pace for the greatest fantasy season of all time? Incredible. What’s more, just as the Pats have adopted the role as the NFL’s villains, Brady is now fully comfortable as GQ cover boy. He always looked a little uncomfortable on magazine covers, like he knew it was so sort of showy. Now he wears little page boy caps and alligator jackets to press conferences. More power to him I say.
~Jericho

Worst Offensive Player

JP Losman - This was supposed to be the coming out party for Losman and the Bills. Instead, Buffalo is 3-4 and has scored an NFL-low 6 touchdowns so far this year. Losman has been battling injuries all season and is currently in a quarterback battle with rookie Trent Edwards. All Lee Evans owners out there blame Losman. All Tulane Alumni should hang your head in shame. Well, more so than usual.
~Magglio

Every quarterback not named Tom, Peyton, Ben or Carson. Honestly has there ever been a larger collective of dog shit QBs in one conference before? J.P. Losman, Chad Pennington, Cleo Lemon, Steve McNair, David Garrard, Vince Young, Matt Schaub, Damon Huard and Daunte Culpepper. Remember when the quarterbacks were the coolest guys and always got chicks? What happened? Have you ever seen a larger group of fuck sticks in your life?
~Jericho

Best Coach

Herm Edwards – His exemplary performance on Hard Knocks aside, the Chiefs are 4-3. This is not a typo. A team quarterbacked by Damon Huard, with a decrepit offensive line and only one legitimate wide receiver (a rookie!) has a winning record. It’s hard to fathom. This team didn’t win a single pre-season game and now they sit atop the AFC West. Important to note, through 8 weeks, neither Bobby Sippio nor Boomer Grigsby has recorded an offensive stat. But, as far as I can tell, they’re still on the roster. That makes me warm inside.
~Magglio

Mike Tomlin - Not only has he revitalized the team, added toughness to both sides of the ball and made a franchise QB out of Big Ben, but he was able to spin his early success in The Program and Love and Basketball to a starring role on House. Impressive!
~Jericho

Worst Coach

Cam Cameron – This was a difficult choice for me. Marvin Lewis is stinking it up in Cincy and Cameron has been dealt a steady stream of injuries and bad luck this season. But to start, Cameron had his quarterback, he had his stud running back and he had two great receivers and failed to get anything going. That said the cornerstone of Miami’s club is their defense which just hasn’t performed. Gotta blame it on the coach.
~Magglio

Eric Mangini - Forget for a second that the Jets were a playoff team last year and that they’re 1-7 now. Forget that Mangini came from the Belichick coaching tree and the Jets D has more holes than Britney’s custody defense. Mangini fucked himself and the entire league by giving the best team on earth another reason to be fired up this year. He wanted to fuck over Belichick and kick a little dirt on his mentor. Well, that backfired in a major, major way and insured that the Jets will never beat the Pats. They might not even get within 30pts for as long as Belichick is the coach. Way to go Eric!
~Jericho

Best Team

New England – Duh. The Patriots are scary this year. They were up 52-0 this Sunday against the Redskins…with 9 minutes left to play. They remind me of the 90s 49ers who could score at will. We’re witnessing greatness here. It’s a nice break from the past five years of parity in the league. I still hate everything Boston, but appreciate what’s happening. If I was a gambling man I’d put it all on the Pats to annihilate the Colts this Sunday. Four and a half points? Child’s play.
~Magglio

The Patriots - Definitely one of the most dominant teams, on both sides of the ball, that I’ve ever seen in my life. However, let’s remember three things about the Pats before we hand them the Lombardi trophy: 1) the teams they beat have a combined 24-34 record. 2) They fucked with the karma Gods big time and this may come back to haunt them at some point. 3) Forget the first two points, this team is fucking unbelievable and we should go ahead and hand them the trophy.
~Jericho

Most Disappointing Team

Cincinnati – What happened to these guys? Remember when Marvin Lewis was a defensive mastermind and Ocho-Cinco, Housh and Rudi were the second coming? The Bengals are 2-5 and the wheels are completely off. Chad Johnson’s antics are being scrutinized and golden boy Carson Palmer is publicly bitching out teammates. The Bengals have a cupcake second-half schedule with SF, MIA, TEN, STL and BUF coming up. If that doesn’t cure their ailments, I’m not sure anything will.
~Magglio

Denver- Yes, Javon Walker is hurt. Yes, Champ has been banged up all year. Yes Travis Henry hits blizzies harder than he hits holes. But still, Jay Cutler needs to play better and the run defense has more holes than Travis Henry’s condoms. Where the fuck is the defense? How can a run D that ranked in the top 10 last year and didn’t lose anyone suddenly be last in the league? 32nd of 32 teams? Not only is this team 3-4, when I thought they’d be 6-1 or 5-2 at this point, but they’ve won all three games on last second field goals and very easily could be 0-7.
~Jericho