Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The All-Nut Sack Team
Could there be a stranger year in fantasy football? The NFL is usually rife with parody while fantasy statistics remain consistent. Not this year. Not even close. One of my teams is 0-6 behind a team that drafted Michael Vick, Rex Grossman and Nehemiah Broughton. I’m serious. Another team counts on James Jones, Kevin Curtis and Ronald Curry as the starting WRs. This is getting ugly.
And with that, I’d like to bring you this season’s first All Nut-Sack rankings. The All Nut-Sack team ranks the top 10 biggest failures in Fantasy Football to date.
The All-Nut Sack Team (through week 6)
Drew Brees – QB
Drew Deez is easily having one of the biggest letdown seasons in recent memory. This is Kevan Barlow big. This is Kordell Stewart big (on the Steelers, not the Ravens). This is Curtis Enis big. In his last preseason game, Brees threw for 5 tds…raise your hand if you chose Brees over Brady this season. Yep. What did we learn here? Never trust a millionaire with a mole. Am I wrong?
Lee Evans – WR
Where to begin? This was going to be the year Evans became a fantasy stud. Six weeks into the season and Evans has mustered 12 lousy catches. What’s that you say? He’s playing with a back-up QB? Not an excuse, just ask Steve Smith. Evans reminds me of Elijah Wood. Small, timid and frightened when given great expectations. (Ok, that will be the first and last time I try to make a Lord of the Rings reference. Truth be told I saw half of the movie and had to walk out. It was creepy and boring and confusing. And worst of all, if that ring held so much power than why was Elijah Wood such a pussy when he had it in his control? He could’ve at least made a ruckus. That movie still pisses me off.)
Frank Gore – RB
It’s not your fault Frank. Your team blows. You don’t have a QB or a WR to take any of the heat off of you. And you’re the only option we’ve got. It’s not your fault Frank, it’s not your fault.
Laurence Maroney – RB
Rub some dirt on it for Christ’s sake. I’m sorry you have an owie Larry but this is football, shit happens. Maroney held so much promise the past few seasons and has yet to materialize. I formally apologize to my friend Derick for ridiculing his draft pick of Sammy Morris, Maroney’s back up in New England. Morris may finish in the top 5 scoring running backs when it’s all said and done.
Santana Moss, Anquan Boldin, Calvin Johnson, Hines Ward, Marvin Harrison
Injuries took down these big names. This season may go down as one of the most injury riddled seasons in history. Is anybody staying healthy?
Steven Jackson – RB
Sweet commercials. Tons of magazine covers. Kick-ass hair. Zero touchdowns.
Marcus Coston – WR
See #1 for explanation. (It’s important also to note that while Drew Brees is mainly responsible for the collapse in New Orleans, the loss of Joe Horn could be the x-factor here. Horn brought leadership, credibility and street smarts to New Orleans. He kept that team grounded, motivated and playing with a purpose. Without Horn, Colston is left to figure it out himself (and fight double teams), and the Saints are left with a bunch of teammates still watching their Sports Illustrated 2006 NFC Champs commemorative DVD. Still available for a limited time.)
Shaun Alexander – RB
We saw this one coming. Alexander made his money and is riding out his contract. It’s sad when players lose their passion for the game after they get paid. Watching him this year is like watching a ballerina dance to avoid big hits…except this ballerina has a gap in her teeth, is a devout Christian and is scared of physical contact. I guess most ballerina’s are scared of physical contact. Whatever. You get my point.
Vincent Jackson – WR
A ton of hype and no results. Remember Matthew Hatchette? Exactly. He was a trendy pick a few years back. He was going to be Pennington’s ‘go-to-guy’. Fact: the most catches Hatchette had in a season was 16. Ouch.
Alex Smith - QB
Listen Alex, I didn’t want to put you on this list but I had to. I’m not mad at you I just need to see something more from you. Something that makes me feel good about trusting you with our sacred franchise. So make me proud Alex Smith. We still believe in you.