The Football Hangover: 11/19/07

1.
Fantasy Fuck Yous: Fuck You, Reggie Bush. Fuck You, Plaxico Burress. Fuck You, Patrick Crayton. Fuck You, L.J. Smith.

And on behalf of Magglio, myself and 200,000 other fantasy owners, FUCK YOU, SANTANA MOSS. Ah, that feels a little better. A little. (every person who has ever played fantasy football is nodding right now, no other explanation needed.)

2.
By far the two dominant stories this year have been 1) how scary good the Patriots are, and 2) the resurgence of two signature franchises, the Cowboys and the Pack. Both are great stories, both are true. But the flip side of those three great teams is how fucking awful the rest of the league is. Can you remember this many shitty teams in one year? I see the league essentially breaking down into four categories:

The really, really good teams (4):
NE, DAL, GB, INDY

The kinda good teams that will get absolutely murdered in the playoffs by one of the really, really good teams (9):
NYG, DET, SEA, CLE, JAX, TEN, SD, TB, PITT

The dog shit teams (5):
WA, PHI, AZ, BUF, HOU

The elephant shit teams (14):
MIN, CHI, CAR, NO, ATL, SF, STL, NYJ, MIA, BAL, CIN, OAK, KC, DEN

How did we get to this point? I watched the GB / CAR game on Sunday and I have never seen a team play lazier or less inspired than CAR did. Un fucking believable. Hey, John Fox, enjoy being the D coordinator at Houston or San Diego next year, should be fun!

3.
I think we’re heading towards an unprecedented offseason where as many as 8 head coaching jobs will be open, here’s my thoughts on who goes and how.

WASH: Joe Gibbs, retired
PHI: Andy Reid: step down (really fired, but they’ll let him save face)
CAR: John Fox, fired
SEA: Mike Holmgren: retired
SF: Mike Nolan fired (not sure I agree w/ this, but they’re worse than when he took over, that can’t be argued)
BAL: Brian Billick, fired (do you ever wonder if anyone ever confuses Brian Billick with Bill Belichick b/c their names sound so familiar? And perhaps the better question, would Billick correct them? Can’t you see him going on for hours about how proud he is of the NE organization, how much he loves having Brady, etc?)
CIN: Marvin Lewis, fired
SD: Norv Turner, fired (he inherited the most talented team in the league and he’s barely .500. Thanks, Norv! Enjoy being the offensive coordinator at Buffalo next year!)

4.
There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that Brady and Moss watched the Cowboy game yesterday and said, “Fuck Romo and T.O., I bet we can do that shit in the first half.” 100% gurarantee that happened. But this raises a different question, who would you rather have on your team, Moss or T.O.? Watching the highlights of the Dallas game and then watching the first of the Brady / Moss show, I was struck by one thing: Whenever T.O. gets a touchdown he’s always wide open, whenever Moss gets one he’s in traffic. I’m not sure what that says about either, or if it sways the debate in one direction or the other, but it’s worth noting. I think if you were to grade the two, it would look something like this:

Hands:
T.O. = B
Moss = A+

Speed:
T.O. = B+
Moss = B+

Jumping ability:
T.O. = B+
Moss = A+

Run after catch:
T.O. = A+
Moss = B

Toughness (blocking, getting out of jams, going over middle, etc)
T.O. = B+
Moss = B

Dumbassness
T.O. = A++
Moss = A+

Overall:
T.O. = A
Moss = A

Thoughts? Who would you take?

5.
I told you to keep away from four teams this year: The Giants, Vikings, Jags and Chiefs. The combined record of the four: 22-18. Not so good.

6.
I told you to watch four teams this year: Cowboys, Packers, Broncos and Steelers. The combined record of the four: 29-10. Decent. That number will get better after Vince Young has diarrhea on national TV for four straight quarters tonight.


6.
Shaun Alexander Watch:
The Bet: 1500 yards and 15 tds
Season So Far: 492 yards and 2 tds
Projection: who cares?

This is shaping up to be the worst bet I ever made. Way worse than that time I bet Magglio he couldn’t get our middle-aged, balding, creepy lisp English teacher to blow him.

I'm on Fantasy Life Support

Today is a tough day for me. Seven weeks into the NFL season and all of my fantasy teams are on life support. I have 3 teams to be exact and all 3 have losing records.

Allow me to present the evidence:

League: High School Friends
Current Record: 2-5
Teams in league: 10
Best Draft Pick: Kellen Winslow
Worst Draft Pick: Drew Brees
Chance of making the playoffs: 15 to 1
Synopsis: This team, like most on draft day, had so much potential. I had the opportunity to take the 2nd QB off the board at the end of the third round. I chose Brees over Brady, a fatal mistake. I also got stung real bad with the injury bug. My starting WRs for week 1 were Anquan Boldin, Santana Moss and Deion Branch. Today, I rely on Kevin Curtis, Ronald Curry and Reggie Williams. It’s like if Heidi, LC and Audrina were replaced with Betty White, Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty after the first few episodes. Not very pretty is it?

Side note: I’m about to accept a blockbuster 8 player trade tomorrow morning. I’m dumping Boldin, Selvin Young, Willis McGahee and Curtis for Palmer, Chambers, Barber and Dwayne Bowe. It sure sounds good. But is it too little too late? Stay tuned.

League: College Friends
Current Record: 3-4
Teams in league: 12
Best Draft Pick: Adrian Peterson (6th round)
Worst Draft Pick: Vince Young and Alex Smith (sweet)
Chance of making the playoffs: 10 to 1
Synopsis: I still feel ok about this team I’m just not getting any breaks. Winning a fantasy season means getting ALL of the breaks. Good match-ups, dodging injuries and pillaging the waiver wire. Nothing has gone my way. I made a good trade mid season for Tony Romo and then he proceeded to throw 5 picks in a game. This week? I was playing Sir Wins-a-lot, an 0-6 team that decided to start the Seahawks defense. Thirty-five points later he got his first win and I’m below .500. More like Sir-Crushing-Me.

League: Family league
Current Record: 0-7 (I’m serious)
Teams in league: 10
Best Draft Pick: N/A
Worst Draft Pick: Everyone (basically reference the all-nut sack team…it looked something like that)
Chance of making the playoffs: 100 to 1
Synopsis: I am mortified. For a league I won easily two years in a row I have plummeted to the cellar. This is beyond embarrassing. I have made 27 transactions in this league. The next closest team has made 6. Nobody came through. I started Kenny Watson for 2 weeks in a row and then benched him and his 3tds this week. Go figure. If I don’t win at least 1 game this season I will get a tattoo of Drew Brees’ mole on my face in the same spot as his.

Now go. Please. The pain is too much.

The All-Nut Sack Team

Could there be a stranger year in fantasy football? The NFL is usually rife with parody while fantasy statistics remain consistent. Not this year. Not even close. One of my teams is 0-6 behind a team that drafted Michael Vick, Rex Grossman and Nehemiah Broughton. I’m serious. Another team counts on James Jones, Kevin Curtis and Ronald Curry as the starting WRs. This is getting ugly.

And with that, I’d like to bring you this season’s first All Nut-Sack rankings. The All Nut-Sack team ranks the top 10 biggest failures in Fantasy Football to date.

The All-Nut Sack Team (through week 6)

Drew Brees – QB
Drew Deez is easily having one of the biggest letdown seasons in recent memory. This is Kevan Barlow big. This is Kordell Stewart big (on the Steelers, not the Ravens). This is Curtis Enis big. In his last preseason game, Brees threw for 5 tds…raise your hand if you chose Brees over Brady this season. Yep. What did we learn here? Never trust a millionaire with a mole. Am I wrong?

Lee Evans – WR
Where to begin? This was going to be the year Evans became a fantasy stud. Six weeks into the season and Evans has mustered 12 lousy catches. What’s that you say? He’s playing with a back-up QB? Not an excuse, just ask Steve Smith. Evans reminds me of Elijah Wood. Small, timid and frightened when given great expectations. (Ok, that will be the first and last time I try to make a Lord of the Rings reference. Truth be told I saw half of the movie and had to walk out. It was creepy and boring and confusing. And worst of all, if that ring held so much power than why was Elijah Wood such a pussy when he had it in his control? He could’ve at least made a ruckus. That movie still pisses me off.)

Frank Gore – RB
It’s not your fault Frank. Your team blows. You don’t have a QB or a WR to take any of the heat off of you. And you’re the only option we’ve got. It’s not your fault Frank, it’s not your fault.

Laurence Maroney – RB
Rub some dirt on it for Christ’s sake. I’m sorry you have an owie Larry but this is football, shit happens. Maroney held so much promise the past few seasons and has yet to materialize. I formally apologize to my friend Derick for ridiculing his draft pick of Sammy Morris, Maroney’s back up in New England. Morris may finish in the top 5 scoring running backs when it’s all said and done.

Santana Moss, Anquan Boldin, Calvin Johnson, Hines Ward, Marvin Harrison
Injuries took down these big names. This season may go down as one of the most injury riddled seasons in history. Is anybody staying healthy?

Steven Jackson – RB
Sweet commercials. Tons of magazine covers. Kick-ass hair. Zero touchdowns.

Marcus Coston – WR
See #1 for explanation. (It’s important also to note that while Drew Brees is mainly responsible for the collapse in New Orleans, the loss of Joe Horn could be the x-factor here. Horn brought leadership, credibility and street smarts to New Orleans. He kept that team grounded, motivated and playing with a purpose. Without Horn, Colston is left to figure it out himself (and fight double teams), and the Saints are left with a bunch of teammates still watching their Sports Illustrated 2006 NFC Champs commemorative DVD. Still available for a limited time.)

Shaun Alexander – RB
We saw this one coming. Alexander made his money and is riding out his contract. It’s sad when players lose their passion for the game after they get paid. Watching him this year is like watching a ballerina dance to avoid big hits…except this ballerina has a gap in her teeth, is a devout Christian and is scared of physical contact. I guess most ballerina’s are scared of physical contact. Whatever. You get my point.

Vincent Jackson – WR
A ton of hype and no results. Remember Matthew Hatchette? Exactly. He was a trendy pick a few years back. He was going to be Pennington’s ‘go-to-guy’. Fact: the most catches Hatchette had in a season was 16. Ouch.

Alex Smith - QB
Listen Alex, I didn’t want to put you on this list but I had to. I’m not mad at you I just need to see something more from you. Something that makes me feel good about trusting you with our sacred franchise. So make me proud Alex Smith. We still believe in you.

Guess whose back?

Like O.J., Brett Favre and Elton John’s sick fetishes…I’m back at it and ready to make some noise. Fresh from a 3 week sabbatical my mind is as clear as Joe Simpson’s sick perversions. So let’s get to it...

From a fantasy perspective, rookie running backs in the NFL are so hard to predict. Who knew that 3^rd round pick Frank Gore would rumble to become the most successful back in his 2005 draft class after being picked behind Ronnie Brown, Cadillac, JJ Arrington and Eric Shelton (wtf?) And who knew that Ki-Jana Carter would go from the number 1 pick overall to nothing more than a funny punch line to a 4^th grade genital joke?

Every year I take a chance on a rookie running back, and every year I’m left with either a gigantic man crush that continues throughout a player’s career or I’m left with a bench stacked with ‘coulda beens’. Let’s explore some of my picks, the good and the bad. Note: The round in which I drafted the player is noted in the parenthetical.

1990: Blair Thomas (3rd round)
Yes, this is what started it all. Blair Thomas was a can’t miss college prospect. All the rage. He turned out to be crap. 600 yards and 1 measely touchdown? I decided not to take another rookie that year, Emmitt Smith. 900 yards and 11 TDs later, Emmitt was well on his way to becoming a fantasy legend.

1994: Errict Rhett (4^th round)
Tampa Bay was in the midst of being the worst team in the history of sports. Why in the world would I take a chance on a rookie RB?…because he was Errict Rhett…badass back from Florida. He had a decent freshman year, breaking 1,000 yards and getting 7 TDs, but I also passed on Marshall Faulk from SDSU. (1,200 yards and 11TDs)

2000: Jamal Lewis (4^th Round):
I wanted Ja-Lew and I got Ja-Lew. Fourth round sounded a bit early at the time, but it turned out to be a fantastic pick. Ja-Lew rumbled for over 1,300 yards and 6tds in his initial campaign. And though I only had him one other year, I have been a big fan of his ever since.

2004: Steven Jackson (early 3rd Round):
I stretched for this pick. My man crush developed in college for Steven Jackson and was only solidified when he went to the Rams. Not because I like the Rams (I can’t stand them) but because he was joining such a high powered offense. It seemed too good to be true. Well, Marshall Faulk didn’t relinquish his starting role and Jackson saw only limited time on the field. Two years later he was one of the top RBs in the game.

2006: Jerious Norwood & DeAngelo Williams (8^th and 13^th rounds)
I went for it in 2006. I was feeling like I knew something. Warrick Dunn was bound to break in half (right?) and DeShaun Foster was so sketchy - it seemed like a no brainer. Sure, I passed on guys like Maurice Jones-Drew, Laurence Maroney and Joseph Addai, but I thought I knew something. I’ll get to the point. I didn’t know anything.

What have I learned? Nothing. This year I drafted Adrian Peterson (decent) and have recently picked up Brian Leonard (it’s hard to trust this much hype) and Selvin Young (look it up.)

Stay tuned. And get ready Darren McFadden…I like how you run.

Let the games begin!

Apples and Moustaches particiapted in their annual Fantasy Football draft last night. This league is a 12-team league with a majority of the participants located in lovely Seattle, Washington. Jericho had the 3rd pick overall, Magglio had the 5th. We thought you'd like to know.

Jericho:
QB: Drew Brees
QB: Ben Rothlisberger
RB: Shaun Alexander
RB: Jamal Lewis
RB: Tatum Bell
RB: Fred Taylor
WR: Lee Evans
WR: Santana Moss
WR: Chris Chambers
WR: Devery Henderson (no really)
WR: Brandon Jones
TE: Randy McMichael
K: Jason Hanson
DST: 49ers

Magglio:
QB: Vince Young
QB: Alex Smith
RB: Frank Gore
RB: Deuce McCallister
RB: Adrian Peterson
RB: Priest Holmes
RB: Anthony Thomas
WR: Steve Smith
WR: Reggie Wayne
WR: Hines Ward
WR: Matt JOnes
TE: Kellen Winslow
K: Robbie Gould
DST: Broncos