Box Office Prediction: 8/31/07

1.
Movie: Halloween
Prediction: $16 million

2.
Movie: Superbad
Prediction: $10.5 million

3.
Movie: Bourne 3
Prediction: $8 million

4.
Movie: Rush Hour 3
Prediction: $7 million

5.
Movie: Death Sentence
Prediction: $6.5 million

6.
Movie: Bean
Prediction: $5 million

7.
Movie: WAR
Prediction: $4.5 million

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

7 apples and moustaches

Apple
Two things that really annoy me:
1) Interviews that are written in the second person.
You are about to interview Tiger Woods, what can you ask a man who has been asked everything? You think maybe another cup of coffee would help. You’re not a very good writer and therefore can’t think of anything original to say so decide to try the tired second person trick.

2) When people don’t know the difference between farther and further.
Listen up, boys and girls.
Farther: used with a physical distance.
Example: I know I have a bigger dick than you because my dick stretches out farther.
Further: used with an abstract or undefined distance.
Example: I can tell she has nice tits but I need to examine the matter further.

Moustache
The best nickname for a chick that you occasionally hook up with but don’t really like is 4 iron. As in, no one ever really wants to hit a 4 iron, but sometimes you have to.

Apple
I’ve always been fascinated by the phenomenon of really skinny guys dating really fat women. You never see really skinny girls with fat guys (rock stars notwithstanding) or any other combination of the two. I’m sure there’s a deep psychological explanation for this but who has the fucking time for that with all the free porn on the Internet?!?!

Moustache
I 100% blame pornography for the heterosexual male community’s total inability to relate to lesbians on any level. Aren’t they supposed to be skinny and blond with enormous, perfect tits and working at a car wash? Actually no. After living in San Francisco for almost five years I can safely attest to the fact that most lesbians are pissed, curt bitches that have Rick Rossovich’s haircut from Top gun and hate everyone expect other lesbians.

Apple
The best, funniest and most talented comedians all have one thing in common: their comedy comes from a very dark place in the soul. Maybe it’s the need to entertain to shadow out feelings of inadequacy; maybe it’s a way to feel connected when they are generally lonesome people; maybe the old adage is true: we laugh to keep from crying. Think about it: Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Charlie Chaplin, Woody Allen, all geniuses at making people laugh, all somewhat dark, fucked up people. Maybe the question: why did Owen Wilson try and kill himself? Is baffling because it’s the wrong question; maybe, looking at the list above, the better question is: why doesn’t it happen more often?

Moustache
When was the last time we had a president with facial hair? If you were John Edwards, wouldn’t you grow a sweet Theodore Roosevelt moustache and run with the slogan, “no one can govern as well as Teddy R, but at least one man can grow his moustache.” I mean how does Edwards stand out? Obama’s got his skin color, Hilary has her estrogen (uh, maybe), what does Edwards have other than that stupid little accent? He’s got to do something to stand out, I say Teddy moustache!

Apple
Two thoughts about doctors and nurses wearing scrubs in public:
1) This is as close as you can get to talking about yourself in the third person. Okay, okay, we fucking get it, you’re a fucking doctor, do you have to throw it in everybody’s face like that? When you walk into a restaurant with scrubs on here’s what you’re basically saying, “the doctor would like a burrito and the doctor would like to add cheese and guacamole but the doctor doesn’t want sour cream.” OK, fuck.

2) How gross is it that they’re wearing scrubs in public? Haven’t they been seeing sick people all day and operating on lungs and shit in those things? They’re fucking doctors! You’d think they’d do everything they can to stop the spread of germs. That’s like giving a hooker a lecture on safe sex as you’re fucking her! Come on now.

The Ace of the Staff

Matt Cain again displayed his ace stuff last night, going 7 innings, scattering 4 hits and striking out 8 in a 3-1 victory for the Giants. He was setting guys up with his slider and mowing them down with his fastball. He dominated seasoned hitters and made grown men look like little leaguers. This guy is the real deal…and he’s only 22.

Let’s dig down into some of his numbers shall we?

• Matt Cain is 19-5 when he gets at least three runs of support…in his entire career (a year and a half)
• Matt Cain is 4-1 with a 2.18 ERA in the month of August
• Matt Cain has 40 strikeouts in 41 1/3 innings in August
• Matt Cain has thrown a staff leading 171 1/3 innings this season so far
• Matt Cain is 7-13 this season

It’s not your fault Matt Cain, it’s not your fault.

God vs. Rehab: The pros and cons of celebrity apologies

In the old days, you could drive drunk into a preschool get out of the and car scream racial expletives and then go home and beat your wife and no one really cared. Mean old drunks like Humphrey Bogart were seen as dark, brilliant anti-heroes and the more trouble they caused the better they fared at the box office. In today’s world, information travels too fast, the paparazzi are too powerful and the country ultimately too conservative for any kind of digression to fly.

Celebrities are three dimensional now; we know everything about them, have seen every inch of their anatomy and have deep-rooted opinions about perfect strangers. As a result, publicists and agents have to guard their clients and their clients’ images judiciously, which has given birth to a whole new phenomenon: the well-crafted, ghost written celebrity apology (or the WCGWCA for short). It’s a well worn cycle: celebrity does something dumb, celebrity issues heartless apology. It’s as inevitable as thunder following lighting, the headache following champagne or diarrhea following Mexican food.

When writing a WCGWCA it’s important to be brief, polite, apologize to the kids that may’ve been hurt by this (which really means the parents who buy shit for the kids who may’ve been hurt by this) and to pick one of two recourses for the action: 1) blame the behavior on a substance and immediately enter rehab or 2) immediately find God, beg for his forgiveness and promise to substitute prayer for whatever behavior led to the WCGWCA. Both have their merits, both have their detractions, let’s examine both in an old fashioned pros and cons list.

Pro for God
Makes grandma very happy. That’s got to count for something. (Ever notice how no one has an atheist grandma? When our generation retires the shit will really hit the fan.)

Con for God
You have to change the way you speak. Pre and post rehab the vernacular pretty much stays the same, you’re still asking your boys to “pass you the muthafuckin’ XXX” – it’s just the XXX that changes. You can still talk however you want. God fearing people can’t swear all the time, so it becomes, “God has spoken and told me to have a chip. Might I have one?”

Pro for Rehab
Pussy. What else is there to do in rehab?

Con for Rehab
You actually have to go. Notice how there’s never any paparazzi pictures of people coming in or out of church? Think that’s by accident?

Pro for God
You can make bold proclamations that no one can challenge. If a celebrity says, “God told me to make this movie so that’s what I’m going to do.” Or “every word of this album was written with Jesus in my cabin. The two us just sat on the porch and ate popsicles and wrote this album.” No one can say shit.

Con for God
The public’s reaction to relapses is far worse. Once you join the God squad you’re on the team for life. If you relapse after being in rehab it’s the substance taking hold again, understandably out of your control, you have a disease. If you fall off the God wagon you’re a horrible Christian, a horrible person and are in a hand basket to a very warm destination.

Pro for Rehab
Street cred. You join some very elite company and can reference some big names without anyone batting an eye. Johnny Cash. Elton John. Robert Downey Jr. Ben Affleck. Billy Joel. Courtney Love, etc, etc, etc. Suddenly you’re in a very elite fraternity.

Con for Rehab
Cold Turkey. Once you’ve admitted your problem and sought help, say goodbye to all “destructive” behavior including drinking, weed, gambling, having fun, wearing tight pants, if the paps catch you doing any of the aforementioned, even if it wasn’t something you went to rehab for, the “off the wagon” stories will stampede the press.

Pro for God
The lyrics get a lot easier to write. You don’t have to worry about being poetic, descriptive, metaphorical, creative, you just have to praise Jesus and make sure to use the words: bless, lord, holy, pure, sin, hell and damnation. You can actually put the words on a wall, throw darts at them and then write the lyrics based on the order you hit them.

Watch:

Bless, oh bless you, sweet, pure lord
You fought through hell with your sword
Bless, oh bless you, holy, sweet creation
You saved my soul from forever damnation
Bless, oh bless you, God’s next of kin
You died for me, you died for sin

Or:
I was a man given to whisky and gin
I was covered in hell, wrapped in sin
I’d walk forever and farther to find libation
You walked with me, lord, saving me damnation
But then you came, pure, blessed and holy
You took my avocados and made guacamole

Simple. I just made a million bucks.

Con for God
You have to start making records, movies, etc, with a Christian audience in mind. That means no blasphemy, no sex scenes, no gratuitous violence (unless it’s the crucifixion, then you can hack Jesus to fucking pieces, right Mel?). Have you ever seen a movie or listened to a record that was made purely for a Christian audience? Yikes. Basically it’s a life of making holier than thou, fire and brimstone propaganda. If you delve outside of those guidelines: hell, hell and hell.

Pro for Rehab
Tons of free booze, weed, coke, whatever you’re into. Think about it, every chick wants to be the chick who convinces a gay guy to switch teams, right? Has to be the same with recovering addicts, especially famous ones. Can you imagine how cool it would be to get fill in the blank recovering addict guitar player to smoke a joint with you? And they can totally play the “I haven’t smoked a joint in five years card” five thousand times on one tour.

Con for Rehab
Your newly attracted demographic is small and angry compared to the huge, happy God squad. When you find God tens of millions of people sit up and go, “I’ll pray for you, kind soul.” When you enter rehab a few thousand people say, “oh fuck you! Rich fuck, what the fuck do you know?!?! I used to suck dick for coke, what did you suck on Mr. Fucking Bigshot?!?!”

Box Office Results: 8/24/07

1.
Movie: Superbad
Prediction: $20.5 million
Actual: $18 million (rank: 1)

Hmmm…I predicted a 38% drop, it dropped 45%. Is Judd Apatow bathing in money, walking around in pajamas made of money or using money to sort his money?

2.
Movie: WAR
Prediction: $16 million
Actual: $10 million (rank: 5)

This was a classic “who the fuck knows?” movie. Jet Li and Jason Statham were in a movie a few years ago that opened with 19, I figured it’d be close to that. Who cares about this movie anyway?

3.
Movie: Bourne 3
Prediction: $12 million
Actual: $12.5 million (rank: 2)

Hope everyone has seen this, it’s fucking awesome. With $185 million and counting, anyone want to take bets that they come back and make a fourth? Matt Damon has been adamant about not making another one, but that $40 million payday will look pretty nice on paper in three years.

4.
Movie: Rush Hour 3
Prediction: $11 million
Actual: $12 million (rank: 3)

Whatever.

5.
Movie: Nanny Diaries
Prediction: $10 million
Actual: $7.5 million (rank: 6)

Whatever part 2. What’s the demographic for this movie?

6.
Movie: Mr. Bean’s Holiday
Prediction: $8.5 million
Actual: $10 million (rank: 4)

Bleh.

7.
Movie: Resurrecting the Champ
Prediction: $8 million
Actual: -1 million (rank: 15! 15!)

No, that’s not a typo. This movie actually did so poorly that the studio handed out money to apologize.

N/A
Movie: Simpsons
Prediction: N/A
Actual: $4.3 million (rank: 7)

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

Box Office Prediction: 8/24/07

1.
Movie: Superbad
Prediction: $20.5 million

2.
Movie: WAR
Prediction: $16 million

3.
Movie: Bourne 3
Prediction: $12 million

4.
Movie: Rush Hour 3
Prediction: $11 million

5.
Movie: Nanny Diaries
Prediction: $10 million

6.
Movie: Mr. Bean’s Holiday
Prediction: $8.5 million

7.
Movie: Resurrecting the Champ
Prediction: $8 million

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

4 apples and moustaches

One chick and three NFL notes:

Apple
Jessica Biel does nothing for me. Maybe it’s the fact that she played a prissy virgin on that One Tree Hill or whatever the fuck it was show, maybe it’s because she always seems to be scowling, but mostly it’s her shoulders. Don’t get me wrong I like the military press, in fact it may be my favorite thing to do at the gym, but when I see a chick in a bikini in GQ or FHM or whatever and my first thought is “Don’t get me wrong I like the military press, in fact it may be my favorite thing to do at the gym…” - that’s not a good thing. I’m down with athletic chicks but they still need to be soft in all of those great soft woman places. Biel’s a little too Men’s Health bicep exercise of the week email for me. But maybe that’s just me.

Moustache
Brady Quinn will suck ass in his next preseason game. His numbers were great last time but did you see the actual highlights? He threw three balls that easily could’ve been picked, one of which might’ve gone for six. Also, let’s not forget that he was amped for his first action and that he was playing against the Lions 4th string D. How bad is the lions first team D? Let alone the 4th. He’ll come back to earth next week, in fact, put me down for three picks.

Apple
Vince Young will be fine this year, all of the “Sophomore slump” and “Madden curse” stuff is stupid. By far the dumbest line of the NFL’s preseason is, “defenses have had a year to prepare for him, he won’t sneak up on anybody this year.” It’s Vince Fucking Young! Guys who win rose bowls, get picked 3rd overall in a crazy loaded draft and just win football games don’t sneak up on anybody. Besides football coaches work 26 hour days during the season – if you think they weren’t game planning against him, even when he was on the bench you’re fucking crazy. “He won’t sneak up on anybody this year!” You think halfway through games last year the D coordinator stood up in the booth and yelled “who the fuck is that qb, he’s killing us! I can’t believe he snuck up on us like this!”

Moustache
The Vikings will suck this year, like 3-13, 4-12 suck and everything can be attributed to one simple fact which in essence is the NFL in a microcosm: Brad Childress has a huge ego (all coaches do and kinda have to in order to survive) and admitting that Tarvaris Jackson fucking sucks would mean that he picked the wrong guy. Coaches have a very short life span, and admitting that he should’ve taken Leinart last year or Quinn this year would be suicide. So now Vikings fans, who used to have guys like Culpepper, Cunningham and Moon, are now stuck rooting for Tarvaris Jackson. Sweet! Thanks, Brad!

Hey Dickhead

Isn't it amazing that dooshbags like this can actually make a living being full-time writers? I dare you to try and read more than 10 lines of this article. It's like Fisher-Price's 'my first newspaper column'.

Who is the target here? Old guys eating their Rasin Bran in their boxer shorts?
"Ha! He drafted Albert Pujols...in a football draft?! That's OUTRAGEOUS."

Dickhead.

Our blog is itching for a ranking of current sports writers. Beause some of them are incredible and a majority of them could use a foot in the ass. (oh yeah Ray-Ray...you're next Fatboy)

Ten signs that your supposedly heterosexual best friend is secretly in love with David Beckham

1. Has this as his screensaver: http://images.worldcupblog.org/ecu/beckham5.jpg

2. Repeatedly trashes Posh with lines like, “why does she dress like a hooker from the future?” and, “she’s so spoiled and ungrateful, she gets to be near his big, beautiful balls all day and doesn’t ever look grateful.”

3. When he’s at a bar and someone asks him if he’d like a Becks he looks off into the distance longingly and whispers, “I’d love a Becks, I’d love to have Becks in my mouth.”

4. He buys a sarong. He says sarong is for girlfriend. Girlfriend is never seen with sarong.

5. Whenever someone suggests that Becks’ voice makes him sounds like a gay Mickey Mouse on helium he angrily responds with, “you’d sound funny too if you were a gorgeous footballer. You’re so homophobic it’s shocking. Becks could walk in right now and bounce his big beautiful balls on my face and you’d fucking run because you’re so homophobic.”

6. Announces triumphantly that “Bend it like Beckham” has replaced “A League of Their Own” as his favorite movie.

7. After Becks gets “Victoria” tattooed on his arm, he gets his girlfriend’s name tattooed over his left breast. Becks has Victoria written in Hindi, following suit he gets his girlfriend’s name written in old English.

8. Is considering a second tattoo reading: “VII – II – VI” - to commemorate / commiserate over the day Becks stepped down as captain of the English national team.

9. When Becks is accused of having two extramarital affairs a week apart from each other – one with his former personal assistant and one with an Australian model – he lets it be known that he has information on a third affair. When pressed to reveal his info he repeatedly says, “he’s got enough on his plate right now. We both know how magical it was.”

10. He writes posts like this: http://applesandmoustaches.blogspot.com/2007/07/five-apples-and-moustaches-on-friday.html

By the way, I was able to uncover the first draft of that post which is pasted below. Obviously what was published was greatly altered from the original, take a look:

Count me in on the David Beckham bandwagon. In fact, can we throw everyone else off so it’s just me and David on that wagon together? That’s a dream. Just me and Becks in a radio flyer, can you imagine? Give me his gorgeous clothes and manly woman fashion, his lucky ass celebrity friends (can you imagine being neighbors with him? Hello binoculars!), his incomprehensible sex appeal, his incredibly ungrateful, futuristic hooker wife, and ultimately his ability to wake a sleeping giant in this country: my love for another man.

Dean, Dean, He's our Man...

Why do they give massive hurricanes names? I mean, I understand that there is a need to categorize these for tracking purposes but why proper names? Without being too insensitive, I'm having a hard time reading articles today about Hurricane Dean without thinking about Jericho’s dad…also named Dean.

I just read an article on CNN.com that had the headline;

“Dean charges across Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula.”

I’m not kidding. That’s really what it said. Immediately I had a mental image of Jericho’s dad, red faced and perspiring, charging across Mexico and bulldozing anybody in his path. It’s a lot funnier if you actually know Jericho’s dad. But that’s my point. Everyone knows a Dean or a Bob or an Andre.

I remember when I was in 5^th grade and Hurricane Hugo went rip shit in Puerto Rico. It was devastating. But of course, the foreign kid at school was also named Hugo. The one-liners were legendary, even for a bunch of 11-year-olds. Hugo (the foreign kid) would take off running across the yard at recess. “Heads up! There goes Hurricane Hugo!” Or if he got angry…”Careful, Hugo might turn from a Tropical Storm to a class five!” Ah, 5^th grade.

Maybe it’s to keep things lighthearted. “Oh, that’s just cute and cuddly Emily. Isn’t she precious…” We don’t name earthquakes or tornados do we? Whose genius idea was it to name hurricanes? I don’t think there has ever been a Hurricane Magglio. But damn it if my fingers aren’t crossed.

Ain't that the truth

"It's harder to go to work 365 days than shoot a person in one day."

Kanye West

5 Lines That Fellow Inmates Could Use While Raping Vick in the Shower

1. That’s what we call a rape stand in the joint. You stand there, I rape you.

2. Now we gonna run a bootleg. I stick my boot up yo’ ass, then my whole leg.

3. I’m gonna collapse yo’ pocket

4. Now I’m under center, muthafucka

5. That’s not in the playbook…but it should be.

Box Office Results: 8/17/07

1.
Movie: Rush Hour 3
Prediction: $24.5 million
Actual: $21 million

57% drop, I predicted something more in the 48% range, but still pretty close.

2.
Movie: Superbad
Prediction: $21 million
Actual: $33 million

Wow! Hype is a difficult thing to quantify sometimes, $21 would have been a great opening for a $20 million dollar movie, instead it blows past that and posts a bigger opening weekend than Knocked Up. Incredible.

3.
Movie: Bourne 3
Prediction: $16.5 million
Actual: $20 million

Again I predicted a much bigger drop then what actually happened. This is gearing up to be one of the bigger hits of the summer.

4.
Movie: Invasion
Prediction: $11 million
Actual: $6 million

Here’s a sentence you never want to read when tracking your box office predictions, “Originally scheduled for release a year ago…” Yikes.

5.
Movie: The Last Legion
Prediction: $7 million
Actual: $3 million

I went against my oldest rule of the book on this one, which is: never trust a movie you’ve never heard of. I honestly had never heard one word about this movie when I was doing my research but stupidly talked myself into it. “Colin Firth, Anthony Hopkins, Ben Kingsley, 2000 screens, that’s worth $7 million right?” Nope.

6.
Movie: Simpsons
Prediction: $6 million
Actual: $ 7 million


7.
Movie: Stardust
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $5.5 million

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

6 apples and moustaches

Apple
There isn’t a band I hate more right now than Nickleback. The lead singer’s voice is like a fucking icicle to the balls.

Moustache
There isn’t a celebrity I hate more right now than Avril Lavigne. Who does this chick think she’s fooling? You’re not punk, you’re not a rocker, you’re not bad ass and you’re not cool. You’re a silly little piece of Canadian belly button lint. 95% of your audience is 12 yr old girls and the other 5% is old, sketchy men. She’s about as punk rock as Snow White’s farts.

Apple
I don’t get all the Britney bashing. In my humble opinion she’s never been hotter. Honestly, for the rest of your fries you could fuck Britney in a dumpster and isn’t that what’s it all about?

Moustache
How dumb are the guys who agreed to testify against Vick? They’re all fucking going to jail anyway, why would you sell out your multi-millionaire best friend for a few months off your sentence? Vick is despicable sure (or is it desVickable), but he’s probably got $20-30 million in the bank that the government can’t touch, why hasn’t one of his buddies been like, “Fuck Canada!” to the police and remained loyal? They’re fucked now obviously, but they’re even more fucked when they get out, why not keep Vick happy? Idiots.

Apple
TNT and CNN are two channels apart on my dial, the other night I was flipping around, stopped on TNT which was showing Law and Order, watched for a few minutes and then went to CNN which was having an update on the Republican presidential race – and both shows featured Fred Thompson! How fucking weird is that?! Is having a presidential candidate heavily featured on a very often syndicated show a good or a bad thing? Either way, it was very disconcerting.

Moustache
How terrifying is it to marry the daughter of the President who instituted the Patriot Act? Are you kidding me? How embarrassing is the file that W has on this kid? “So, son, it says here that three nights ago you were jacking off to the “Umbrella ella ella” video, got up in the middle and had diarrhea and then came back to the couch and finished everything off to the Victoria’s Secret winter fashion show. Fresca?”

The D-Bag Nation

I met the biggest Douchebag last night. This guy was a first-class, USDA, Grade A, level five Douchebag. What are the tell tale signs of such a major D-Bag? First let me set the stage. Last night I again found myself with a bunch of girls and one other guy who I didn’t know. (Jericho was nowhere to be seen). We were at a grand opening of a women’s clothing boutique…having some drinks, socializing, listening to good music, being our charming selves. Look, I am lucky to have such a cool girl with cool girlfriends…I know this, so when Colonel Asswipe enters our little bubble it really throws off my vibe. Witness…

(Actual comment):

“You know why I love when girls try on clothes? Cause you can touch them. You can be like, “how does that fit?” and then lift up their shirt.”

*Please note this guy was there with his “girlfriend”

(Actual conversation):

Magglio: So what do you do in the city?

Shitburger D-Bag: I’m in Finance. Goldman Sachs. You’ve probably heard of it. (five minutes later) What do you do?

Magglio: I’m in marketing, I…

At this point, Shitburger had an inkling to leave our conversation, run to the Ipod and change the music (mid-song) to Lionel Richie. The whole place stopped to see what had happened. While slowly taking off his jacket, closing his eyes and swaying to the music Captain Ramrod announced “this is my fucking favorite Lionel Richie song”

I don’t need to hang out with dudes. These chicks are cool enough without a doubt. But inevitably, when it’s just me and another dude, you’re forced to talk. Have guy talk. Grunt and make lewd comments about women. I just don’t get it sometimes.

The best part was the exit. He’s saying his goodbyes, continuing his inappropriate advances to the other ladies, and then he gets to me.

“Hey man – let’s blackout sometime.”

Classic.

Box Office Prediction: 8/17/07

1.
Movie: Rush Hour 3
Prediction: $24.5 million

2.
Movie: Superbad
Prediction: $21 million

3.
Movie: Bourne 3
Prediction: $16.5 million

4.
Movie: Invasion
Prediction: $11 million

5.
Movie: The Last Legion
Prediction: $7 million

6.
Movie: Simpsons
Prediction: $6 million

7.
Movie: Stardust
Prediction: $4.5 million

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

Things Your Boss Should Also Say After Offering You a 5k Raise After 16 Months of Killing Yourself

- We’re prepared to offer you a 5k raise…We also think your mother’s a whore

- What? You’re upset about 5k? That’s over $300 more a month after taxes. You could buy a brand new PlayStation II every month and who doesn’t like PlayStation II? P.S. We don’t think you’re worth PlayStation III.

- We value the contributions you’ve made to our company. And by “value” we mean “don't value.”

- I understand why you’re upset, do you remember the scene in Wall Street when Michael Douglas says, “greed is good?” That actually has nothing to do with this situation, but isn’t Michael Douglas creepy?

- You’ve been working extremely, extremely hard. If you’d been working extremely, extremely, extremely, super-duper hard you still wouldn’t get the raise you deserve, but you’d probably feel a little bit better wouldn’t you?

- We expect you to work like communists, bring in new business like capitalists and get paid like Buddhists. After all, didn’t Buddha say that the true value of hard work is what you put in not what you take out?

- Things like performance, hard work, dedication, growth are so five minutes ago. As in, we know that we praised your performance, hard work, dedication and growth five minutes ago, but OH MY GOD LOOK! Hmm…weird, could’ve swore I saw something, not what were we talking about again?

- Can I offer you an altoid? I just rammed my dick so far up your ass it came out of your mouth and I wouldn’t want you to go back to your desk with dick breath. That would be very unprofessional.

Let the games begin!

Apples and Moustaches particiapted in their annual Fantasy Football draft last night. This league is a 12-team league with a majority of the participants located in lovely Seattle, Washington. Jericho had the 3rd pick overall, Magglio had the 5th. We thought you'd like to know.

Jericho:
QB: Drew Brees
QB: Ben Rothlisberger
RB: Shaun Alexander
RB: Jamal Lewis
RB: Tatum Bell
RB: Fred Taylor
WR: Lee Evans
WR: Santana Moss
WR: Chris Chambers
WR: Devery Henderson (no really)
WR: Brandon Jones
TE: Randy McMichael
K: Jason Hanson
DST: 49ers

Magglio:
QB: Vince Young
QB: Alex Smith
RB: Frank Gore
RB: Deuce McCallister
RB: Adrian Peterson
RB: Priest Holmes
RB: Anthony Thomas
WR: Steve Smith
WR: Reggie Wayne
WR: Hines Ward
WR: Matt JOnes
TE: Kellen Winslow
K: Robbie Gould
DST: Broncos

Rambling rants on the third worst team in MLB

Matt Cain is the unluckiest pitcher in the history of baseball. He has ‘ace’ stuff, he could easily be the number one pitcher on half the teams in the league, but he is getting killed by the Giants lack of hitting. Cain is 4-13. Again, Matt Cain has 4 wins and 13 losses this season. His ERA you ask? 3.77. Yeah. You do the math.

Luck is a HUGE factor in baseball. Especially in a sport when the best player fails over 60% of the time. Pitchers need luck like the rest of them, but for some reason it’s all gone Pete Tong. Er, wait, it’s all gone Matt Cain.

As much as it pains me to say this, Matt Cain should be traded. It’s potentially the only thing that can be done to save his career at this point. Fun fact, in the previous 20 starts Cain has made, the Giants have failed to score at least 3 runs in 15 of those games. He’s only 22 years old, how much can his psyche take? A pitcher’s ego is his lifeline. It’s like a battered woman, the more you put her down and don’t support her, the more likely she’s going to start believing she’s no good. You are good Matt Cain. Your supporting cast just blows.

Blow up the team. Save Lincecum…and maybe Rajai Davis (though the jury is still out) and that’s it. Trade ‘em all. Dump some salaries. Let’s field a Billy Beane team with players who can hit and enjoy playing the game. I’ve had enough of the Pedro Feliz experiment. I’ve had enough of the Rich Aurilla experiment. It’s like that scene in Major League when they realize they had a big name on their roster, Roger Dorn. And then somebody points out that they’re about 4 years too late on the player actually playing up to his big name. Sound familiar? Ryan Klesko? Dave Roberts? Ray Durham? Randy Winn? If this was 2003 we’d be doing some damage. But the Raiders aren’t in the Super Bowl and Durham isn’t fighting for a contract.

What is the point of this post? I have no idea. A place to vent about how shitty the Giants are this season maybe. Give Bochy another shot. No coach should be fired after one season unless of course it’s Dennis Erickson. Let Sabean do what he do…and let’s get back in this thing. Huuuuuuuuum Baby!

Box Office Results: 8/10/07

1.
Movie: Rush Hour 3
Prediction: $52.5 million
Actual: $49 million

Boom! Honestly if this movie would’ve come out three years ago it might’ve made $20 million more, six years is just too long to wait for a crappy sequel to a crappy sequel. How sweet of a life does Chris Tucker have though? Did you know he made $20 million for Rush Hour 3 and hasn’t acted since Rush hour 2? Not sure what his daily life entails, but pretty sure it entails a lot of awesomeness.

2.
Movie: Bourne 3
Prediction: $25 million
Actual: $33 million

Tales of this movie’s second weekend demise have been greatly exaggerated. Or something like that. I predicted a 63% drop, instead it held pretty strong, only dropping about 52%, very impressive after opening in the high 60s.

3.
Movie: Stardust
Prediction: $14 million
Actual: $9 million

Had no idea what to make of this movie. Have you seen the trailers? This has rental written all over it. Good cast, seemingly cool premise, could be awesome or horrible and neither would surprise you. Maybe Clare Danes should just like change her name to like Rental or something.

4.
Movie: The Simpsons Movie
Prediction: $13 million
Actual: $11 million

Close enough but needed to swap #3 and #4 on my list.

5.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $5.8 million
Actual: $5.8 million

Thank you, thank you very much.

6.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $5.5 million
Actual: $6.5 million

I’d think I crapped this movie yesterday.

7.
Movie: Underdog
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $6.4 million

Have I mentioned fuck this movie yet?

4 completely unfounded celebrity rumors that I’ll unequivocally believe until proven otherwise

*Note: Apples and Moustaches does not promote or condone the spreading of unfounded celebrity rumors. However, A&M does believe very strongly in spreading the word that certain unfounded celebrity rumors are being spread.


1.
Rumor: John Travolta has a removable head
Reasons why it makes sense: the creepiest hairline in show business has just been a little too creepy the last few years. His ability to grow and shed hair at a moments notice and his blank, glazed expression notwithstanding, what makes more sense: that John chose to star in Battlefield Earth because a) he loved the script or b) because they promised to make him the first recipient of their radical detachable head surgery program? That’s what I thought. Anyone with info about exactly how many heads he has or where he stores them please post your leads here.

2.
Rumor: Every night when Tom Cruise goes to bed he climbs up a 30 foot platform, jumps, does three back flips and one spread eagle twist, lands perfectly in bed without even moving the covers and is instantly asleep
Reasons why it makes sense: Forget the rumors about Tom being gay, an alien, or performing sonograms at home, or better yet, being a gay alien who performs sonograms at home, this is the real hotbed (pardon the pun) Tom rumor. Of everything on this list, I’m most convinced this is true.

3.
Rumor: Maddox Jolie and Marc Anthony are the same person
Reasons why it makes sense: have you ever seen them in the same room? Have you? Think about this for a second, they’re the exact same size, both have creepy hair and both hang out with gorgeous, possibly alien women they refer to as “mama.” Besides, have you seen Maddox in that El Cantante movie? His resemblance to Marc is uncanny. A little too uncanny if you know what I mean. (P.S. did anyone else see the poster for El Cantante and think it was about a disgraced Mexican poker player who’s trying to get back in the game but can’t bring himself to place his first bet?)

4.
Rumor: Eddie Murphy cloned himself in 1993 and then had the clone star in movies like Daddy Care and Vampire from Brooklyn while the real Eddie lives in Los Bardos smoking pot and riding his whale around.
Reasons why it makes sense: First off, Why 1993? Because that’s when Eddie Murphy recorded that hideous Wazupwitu song with Michael Jackson and subsequently stopped saying the F word. Consider this, the Pre-WE (Pre Wazupwitu Eddie) made the following films: 48 Hours, Delirious, Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop I and II, Raw, Coming to America and Boomerang. That’s a murderer’s row; crass, funny movies with Eddie doing what Eddie does best, looking cool, being Eddie and screaming “fuck” at people. The Post-WE cashes huge checks and makes movies that can be shown unedited on Nickelodeon. Something just isn’t right about that. (Also, if you think for a second that the real Eddie didn’t feed the clone to his whale and show up himself to last year’s Oscars, you’re damn crazy.)

Apples and Moustaches Entrepreneur of the Month Award

*Note: each month Apples and Moustaches showcases one of the brightest, bravest and boldest members of the entrepreneurial community. Nominations forms are submitted by a third party and A&M selects the winner based on a series of criteria ranging from ingenuity to marketability to the average breast size of the employees.

This month’s winner: Roydell Calico
Title: President and CEO
Company: SingSongSneeze
Headquarters: Pendleton, Oregon
Employees: 25
The Product: The Hanky Panky Handkerchief
What it does: A computerized handkerchief that masks the sound of a sneeze by playing music. Small computer chips in the handkerchief react to the air pressure and immediately begin playing a song when it’s sneezed into.
Company tagline: We turn “ha choo” into dee dee da da doo

Transcript of the interview:
A&M: First off, congratulations on this award. Have you given any thought to where you’ll hang the plaque?

(Disclaimer: A&M does not supply actual plaques, but contest winners and really anyone for that matter are free to create a plaque that says anything they want. For suggestions on plaques please go to your local plaque store.)

RC: Thanks. We really appreciate the exposure. I’m afraid to get a plaque to be honest, I’m afraid my ex-wife will steal it! She’s taken everything else. She even took the plaque I won in my ninth grade diving meet. In fact, that bitch should have a plaque to commemorate all of the plaques she’s stolen. Congratulations, honey.

A&M: Yes, well, I’m actually glad you brought up your ex-wife; it’s my understanding that she was the inspiration for The Hanky Panky Handkerchief, is that correct?

RC: She’s been the inspiration for a lot of things. Most recently she inspired the entire Dallas Cowboys offensive line to get tested for HIV.

A&M: Right. But The Hanky Panky Handkerchief was originally created becasue of your then wife’s allergies, correct?

RC: That’s true. She has the longest list of allergies I’ve ever seen. Dust, cats, snow, nuts, bananas, laughing, happiness, honesty. About the only thing she’s not allergic to is strange dick in her mouth.

The Hanky Panky in action. Without sound of course becasue it's a picture.

A&M: So she’s allergic to most everything, she’s sneezing a hundred times a day, you’re an engineer, walk us through the birth of The Hanky Panky Handkerchief. How did you get started? What was your light bulb moment?

RC: Well, I’ve never really cared for the sound of someone sneezing. Sometimes it can be funny, if you’re in a really quiet room and someone sneezes really, really loud, like a cannon going off. I like that. Or when someone does a really huge physical buildup, shoulders back, face scrunched and you’re expecting a cannon but instead it’s quick and high pitched like a mouse fart. That’s good too. But for the most part, sneezes are pretty obnoxious. And my ex-wife, her sneeze is one of the more annoying sounds on earth.

A&M: How would you describe it?

RC: Imagine slamming your testicles in a car door. Now take that pain and put it in sound form and that’s what it’s like.

A&M: Interesting. So her sneeze actually causes you physical pain?

RC: Well the pain from her sneeze is nothing compared to the pain from the rash she let me borrow. But yes, it's annoying and painful. Imagine coming home for Thanksgiving and seeing the seven dwarfs tag teaming your mother, that’s what her sneeze sounds like.

A&M: I imagine in that scenario Sneezy would be doing the most damage, right?

RC: What?

A&M: Sorry, bad attempt at topical humor. So you’re married to a woman with a horrible sneeze, you want to cover that up, why a handkerchief? Aren’t handkerchiefs only used by Anthony Hopkins in Merchant Ivory movies?

RC: Well that was part of the allure. Not only could I cover up her horrible sneeze but her whorish face as well.

A&M: Can’t argue with that. What about the songs? There seems to be a pattern running through some of the songs you chose, “Cry Me a River,” “Your Cheatin’ Heart,” “Lyin’ Eyes,” “You Ain’t Woman Enough,” Jolene.”

RC: Well, I’m one of those people who think patterns run through everything. For example whenever my wife would “go shopping with her friends” that really meant she was bouncing some guy’s nuts on her nose like a seal at the aquarium. And when she “was going to the gym to work out” that really meant she was going to get worked out by a guy named Jim. Or when she was going to get a “facial,” well, that was actually kind of true I guess. Maybe I think patterns run through everything because my wife has been run through by everyone.

A&M: Well, Roydell, this has been very enlightening. In closing, any advice to young entrepreneurs like yourself? How would you advise a young inventor to take his idea from innovation to profit?

RC: I think you have to start with a dream and have the conviction to never waver from that dream. Then you have to have an idea and never let any other ideas get in the way of the idea. But more importantly, and in the words of someone much smarter than myself, “don’t ever try to make a ho a housewife.” Not only is it expensive, draining and dangerous but my dick can now speak Spanish.

A&M: Is that true?

RC's D: Sí

A&M: Roydell Calico, thanks for your time and congratulations on being Apples and Moustaches’ Entrepreneur of the Month.

Two Apples and a Moustache on a Friday

Yeah, just three today. Deal with it.

Apple
The best new show on TV is Hard Knocks on HBO, featuring the training camp of the Kansas City Chiefs. If that show doesn’t make you want to go run stadium stairs, bench press till a vein bursts in your forehead and throw on some pads while running head first through another human being’s heart, than I don’t know what will. This is the third version of the Hard Knocks show; the first following the defending Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens in 2000. The second following the Dallas Cowboys a couple years ago. The show has evolved leaps and bounds from its early inception. It resembles a scripted reality show similar to a Laguna Beach or The Hills (not that I watch those shows, of course). That’s not to say that the producers have told the coaches and players what to say, but they definitely understand the tension and flow of training camp and have created intriguing situations from the get go. The veteran vs. rookie quarterback battle, the overweight 22-year-old lineman growing up on the field, the star running back and his contract disputes, the likeable ‘charlie hustle’ guy trying to make the squad…it’s intense. And that was only the first episode. Watch it. Trust me, it’s worth it.

Moustache
I like my soy lattes scalding hot. Coffee ice cream is as good as it gets. I hate romantic comedies about people in their 50s and 60s. My dad is my best friend in the whole world. I check CNN.com 7-10 times a day, half expecting the world to be gone when I get there. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow-up. I know I found my soul mate. Jackson Five’s song ‘ABC’ is following me lately. I’ve been early to work everyday this week. Live from Abby Road is a great program to watch when you’ve had a couple drinks. And to quote the lady pushing the stroller on Masonic and Fulton, “It’s Friday, where the forty at?!”

Apple

I don’t really get the new fashion trend of male cleavage. I understand that showing skin is always sexy, but seriously, how feminine can dudes get? I have a hard enough time wearing a v-neck undershirt let alone some of the obnoxious plunging v’s you see around these days. You know what else I can’t stand? The buttoned up shirt…unbuttoned about 4 or 5 buttons too many. One button says ‘let’s party.’ Two buttons says ‘I’m drunk’. Four or five buttons say ‘hey, who’s first in line to run the train on me back at my place?’ (Over the line? Are you kidding me? Have you read the shit Jericho writes in this space?)

Bonus Moustache:
Check out my cousin's new film he just finished writing, directing and filming in NYC. This kid is the real deal.

Want more? This one is his best film to date, in my opinion.

Box Office Prediction: 8/10/07

1.
Movie: Rush Hour 3
Prediction: $52.5 million

2.
Movie: Bourne 3
Prediction: $25 million

3.
Movie: Stardust
Prediction: $14 million

4.
Movie: The Simpsons Movie
Prediction: $13 million

5.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $5.8 million

6.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $5.5 million

7.
Movie: Underdog
Prediction: $4.5 million

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

Box Office Results: 8/03/07

1.
Movie: Bourne 3
Prediction: $63 million
Actual: $69 million

Bam! Went back and forth on this a few times, very rarely do threequels make more than either of their predecessors, but the reviews, marketing blitz and buzz were strong enough to take a shot. The openings of the three Bourne movies in succession look like this: 27.1, 52.5, 69.2. Pretty impressive.

2.
Movie: The Simpsons Movie
Prediction: $45 million
Actual: $25 million

Yikes. To say I overshot this one is kind of like saying Lindsay Lohan might show you her tits if you’ve got coke at 4am. Or that your dingle might feel a bit itchy after having sex with Nicole Ritchie. I was anticipating a 25-30% drop, instead it dropped 67%! That’s massive. Still, with 128 domestically and 235 worldwide, this is a huge hit.

3.
Movie: Underdog
Prediction: $15 million
Actual: $11.5 million

Oh, fuck this movie.

4.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $10.5 million
Actual: $10.5 million

Boom!

5.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $10 million
Actual: $9 million

Whatever.

6.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $9.5 million
Actual: $9.5 million

You bet.

7.
Movie: No Reservations
Prediction: N/A
Actual: $6.5 million

Bleh.

9.
Movie: Hot Rod
Prediction: $9 million
Actual: $5 million

Sweeeet.

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

The Eternal Mystery of Cranes

Here’s something I’ve never understood: don’t you need a crane to build a crane? How do construction sites get started? A crane is way too big to ship somewhere; its parts are too heavy to lift and build manually; the arms are too tall and too long to build on the ground, and besides, even if you built it on the ground you’d still need a crane to lift it up, right? Couldn’t you make the argument that “how do you build a crane without a crane?” has replaced “the chicken or the egg?” as the preeminent philosophical question of our day?

I mean, there’s still a lot of worthy questions out there such as “how can a woman bleed profusely from her vagina for five days every month and still throw a party that runs out of alcohol by 12:15?” And, “should I take a quarterback in the first three rounds of my fantasy draft or wait until the later rounds and draft two in a row and platoon all year?” But these, “second-tier” questions, are for another time and post. Let’s grab our knife and fork and dig in to the prime rib of questions.

Now, since this is clearly a philosophical question rather than an engineering one (or in other words, since I’d rather rant insanely about this topic than merely find an easy answer), I chose to reach out to a few thought leaders to get their take on the crane dilemma. Synopses of their answers are below.

Rabbi: a crane is just a crane, there’s nothing deeper, no hidden meaning. If God wanted us to explore the mystery of cranes he’d give us a clear sign, like lighting one on fire and having it speak to us. To truly understand God you must try to understand God, cranes won’t get you there. If I were you I’d stop worrying about cranes and call your mother more.

Christian Minister: God is pure and God is good therefore anything created by God is also good and pure. But God is also omnipresent, not only does he create or allow the creation of all things, but a piece of him resides in everything that he creates or allows to be created. Therefore, God is one crane and God is all cranes.

Haight Street Hippie: Man, you’ve got to take a step above, man. The question is not whether you need a crane to build a crane; the real question is how have cranes allowed man to live a better life? Have they allowed him to better his relationship with himself, his friends and mother Earth? What do cranes do in essence? They build bigger buildings, man. Is man’s goal then to get as far away from the Earth as possible? How can we get in touch with the Earth, man, when we keep climbing away from her?

Catholic Priest: In the Gospel according to Saint Matthew (Mt 16:18), Jesus says to Peter, “And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it." It is unclear of course what apparatuses the young Jesus had at his disposal. Obviously the technology of the age wouldn’t have allowed Jesus and his apostles to have actual cranes, or at least not anything approaching the cranes of today, although the power of the Almighty can lift stones to the top of mountains and souls to the top of the unknown.

Buddhist: cranes represent a purely physical desire: to get through one’s work faster and more efficiently. But to desire is to suffer therefore to need a crane is to suffer metaphysically and to suffer from not having a crane is to suffer physically. When one rushes through one’s work, much is missed and much is misinterpreted. When we walk we are awake and aware, when we run life is blurred by running’s blurriness. Therefore to have or not have a crane is to suffer, to desire or not desire a crane is to suffer and to suffer is to suffer.

Confused, violent person who apparently loves TV: The Cranes? Frasier and Niles? Man, fuck that show! Rich, neurotic white people with rich, neurotic white people problems? That about as funny as elephant shit!

Amish: To use a devil-armed wood mover, or what you might call a “crane,” is to pursue purely man-driven interests and wants and not the work of God. In the Second Epistle to the Corinthians (II Corinthians 6:14), Paul said, "Be not yoked with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" God has asked us not to yoke, therefore we shall not yoke nor permit any such yoking in his name.

Lawyer: Off the record I tell you that no one on this green fucking earth has any idea how a crane works, why it works or why anyone in their right mind would ever question something as arbitrary and unnecessary as a crane. I wouldn’t trade you a pile of bluebird shit to know the answer. On the record I tell you that cranes are an invaluable piece of construction technology and the pillars that our society, economy, and government are built upon owe as much to cranes as they do policy makers and their constituents.

Mormon Bishop: the true secret of the crane and the crane construction lies with the crane master and him alone. You see, God can speak to only one of us. Therefore, to ask fundamental questions about cranes and crane lore is an attempt to interpret the crane master’s interpretations of what God asked him to interpret. Rather than ask why there is cranes and how cranes come to be, we should simply trust that God wants us to have these cranes and give the necessary percentage of our salaries to ensure the purchase and mysterious constructions of more cranes.

Fat Black Woman: Do the crane work? Yes? Then fuck all this nonsense.

Box Office Prediction: 8/3/07

1.
Movie: Bourne 3
Prediction: $63 million

2.
Movie: The Simpsons Movie
Prediction: $45 million

3.
Movie: Underdog
Prediction: $15 million

4.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $10.5 million

5.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $10 million

6.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $9.5 million

7.
Movie: Hot Rod
Prediction: $8 million

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

7 great lines that I either can’t figure out what they mean or I’ve never been in the right situation to use.

1. Are you kidding me? I wouldn’t fuck that bitch if she was on fire.

2. You know, I thought I was pregnant once. Turns out it was just bad Mexican food.

3. Yeah right, and A.C. Green was the mayor of Pussy Town.

4. You? You’ve probably got a sweaty balls calendar.

5. I fucked her so hard her grandma came back to life and then died again.

6. Her? She’s a cunt and a retard, or Cuntard to those scoring at home.

7. I think there’s just a little too much dough around her furry cookie.

Guy Talk

I recently went to a dinner party for a friend’s birthday. I didn’t know many of the people at the party and the ones I did know were all women. Sounds like an interesting predicament, but sooner or later small talk with women runs a bit thin. I positioned myself at the dinner table so I could see the TV in the bar. The Giants were tied in the 6^th, Bonds still had at least 2 more at-bats, and Lowry was throwing BBs. I needed to stay abreast of the situation.

The final couple joined the table and the guy in the group sat directly next to me. After the usual pleasantries were exchanged I cut right to the chase.

“You a Giants fan?”

“No, not much of a baseball fan.”

Ok, at this point in the conversation there is still hope. The fact that he identified “baseball” as not his sport of choice leaves the option of another sport being his passion. Football? Basketball? NCAA sports? Save my evening please.

“I play Tennis.”

Not being able to talk sports with another guy can make for an incredibly painful evening. Especially when there are no other guys to talk to and idle chatter is the plan for the evening. It’s one of the unwritten rules amongst guys. When there is nothing else to talk about you go to sports. Guys don’t talk about fashion and they don’t talk about feelings so what else are we supposed to talk about to each other? Give me the most obnoxious, annoying, pompus guy in the room who likes sports and I’ll be content for the evening.

But the nice guy who played a little lacrosse and likes a good Shiraz? Fuck ‘em.

“You’re in my way, Bonds is up,” I responded