Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Today is Halloween

If you hadn’t noticed from the overzealous chick in HR with the blinking orange earrings or the gay cowboy in the finance department, today is Halloween. To me, seeing adults dress up at work is one of the best and most uncomfortable moments of the year. It is the definition of RTs. This isn’t a parent walking a child around the block trick-or-treating or a grandparent wearing a mask while they hand out candy…these are grown-ups surrounded by other grown-ups thinking it’s socially acceptable to wear cat ears, a skeleton pendant and a knitted sweater which depicts a bear in costume, trick or treating with other bears in costumes. (Apologies to my mother who undoubtedly is wearing this exact outfit today at work.)

Today I have witnessed a woman dressed as a pirate, a man dressed as Sasquatch and a slutty nurse. (Please note we don’t yet have confirmation if the slutty nurse was in costume or if she was simply in transit to her actual profession…stripping or an actual real life slutty nurse. That said, perhaps there is a real life pirate walking the streets of San Francisco and it’s just a coincidence that today happens to be October 31st. We’ll have to investigate further.)

We want to hear from you. What costumes are your coworkers wearing? What are the most uncomfortable office moments today at your job? Is there a mandatory apple bobbing contest? Is there a scary food competition? This is too ripe of a situation to just let pass by.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

First-Half Awards - AFC

Eight weeks down. Eight more to go. At this point all we know is that we don’t know much. Two teams are at the top. There’s maybe three or four that will make some noise in the playoffs and the rest are complete garbage. What was once perfect parity in the NFL has shifted like a lumpy down comforter.

So, here at Apples and Moustaches we felt it necessary to take pause this week and hand out some mid-season awards. To be fair, and because neither of us would relinquish control, we both made our own selections.

We’ll start with the AFC today. The NFC, as it has been all season, will follow behind a bit later.

Best Offensive Player

Tom Brady – Duh.

Tom Brady - Did you know Brady is on pace for the greatest fantasy season of all time? Incredible. What’s more, just as the Pats have adopted the role as the NFL’s villains, Brady is now fully comfortable as GQ cover boy. He always looked a little uncomfortable on magazine covers, like he knew it was so sort of showy. Now he wears little page boy caps and alligator jackets to press conferences. More power to him I say.

Worst Offensive Player

JP Losman - This was supposed to be the coming out party for Losman and the Bills. Instead, Buffalo is 3-4 and has scored an NFL-low 6 touchdowns so far this year. Losman has been battling injuries all season and is currently in a quarterback battle with rookie Trent Edwards. All Lee Evans owners out there blame Losman. All Tulane Alumni should hang your head in shame. Well, more so than usual.

Every quarterback not named Tom, Peyton, Ben or Carson. Honestly has there ever been a larger collective of dog shit QBs in one conference before? J.P. Losman, Chad Pennington, Cleo Lemon, Steve McNair, David Garrard, Vince Young, Matt Schaub, Damon Huard and Daunte Culpepper. Remember when the quarterbacks were the coolest guys and always got chicks? What happened? Have you ever seen a larger group of fuck sticks in your life?

Best Coach

Herm Edwards – His exemplary performance on Hard Knocks aside, the Chiefs are 4-3. This is not a typo. A team quarterbacked by Damon Huard, with a decrepit offensive line and only one legitimate wide receiver (a rookie!) has a winning record. It’s hard to fathom. This team didn’t win a single pre-season game and now they sit atop the AFC West. Important to note, through 8 weeks, neither Bobby Sippio nor Boomer Grigsby has recorded an offensive stat. But, as far as I can tell, they’re still on the roster. That makes me warm inside.

Mike Tomlin - Not only has he revitalized the team, added toughness to both sides of the ball and made a franchise QB out of Big Ben, but he was able to spin his early success in The Program and Love and Basketball to a starring role on House. Impressive!

Worst Coach

Cam Cameron – This was a difficult choice for me. Marvin Lewis is stinking it up in Cincy and Cameron has been dealt a steady stream of injuries and bad luck this season. But to start, Cameron had his quarterback, he had his stud running back and he had two great receivers and failed to get anything going. That said the cornerstone of Miami’s club is their defense which just hasn’t performed. Gotta blame it on the coach.

Eric Mangini - Forget for a second that the Jets were a playoff team last year and that they’re 1-7 now. Forget that Mangini came from the Belichick coaching tree and the Jets D has more holes than Britney’s custody defense. Mangini fucked himself and the entire league by giving the best team on earth another reason to be fired up this year. He wanted to fuck over Belichick and kick a little dirt on his mentor. Well, that backfired in a major, major way and insured that the Jets will never beat the Pats. They might not even get within 30pts for as long as Belichick is the coach. Way to go Eric!

Best Team

New England – Duh. The Patriots are scary this year. They were up 52-0 this Sunday against the Redskins…with 9 minutes left to play. They remind me of the 90s 49ers who could score at will. We’re witnessing greatness here. It’s a nice break from the past five years of parity in the league. I still hate everything Boston, but appreciate what’s happening. If I was a gambling man I’d put it all on the Pats to annihilate the Colts this Sunday. Four and a half points? Child’s play.

The Patriots - Definitely one of the most dominant teams, on both sides of the ball, that I’ve ever seen in my life. However, let’s remember three things about the Pats before we hand them the Lombardi trophy: 1) the teams they beat have a combined 24-34 record. 2) They fucked with the karma Gods big time and this may come back to haunt them at some point. 3) Forget the first two points, this team is fucking unbelievable and we should go ahead and hand them the trophy.

Most Disappointing Team

Cincinnati – What happened to these guys? Remember when Marvin Lewis was a defensive mastermind and Ocho-Cinco, Housh and Rudi were the second coming? The Bengals are 2-5 and the wheels are completely off. Chad Johnson’s antics are being scrutinized and golden boy Carson Palmer is publicly bitching out teammates. The Bengals have a cupcake second-half schedule with SF, MIA, TEN, STL and BUF coming up. If that doesn’t cure their ailments, I’m not sure anything will.

Denver- Yes, Javon Walker is hurt. Yes, Champ has been banged up all year. Yes Travis Henry hits blizzies harder than he hits holes. But still, Jay Cutler needs to play better and the run defense has more holes than Travis Henry’s condoms. Where the fuck is the defense? How can a run D that ranked in the top 10 last year and didn’t lose anyone suddenly be last in the league? 32nd of 32 teams? Not only is this team 3-4, when I thought they’d be 6-1 or 5-2 at this point, but they’ve won all three games on last second field goals and very easily could be 0-7.

Monday, October 29, 2007

A few post hangover items on a freezing cold Monday:

Taking the advice of one of our readers, I rented the first season of Heroes and spent too many hours this weekend trying to get caught up. I am about seven episodes deep and I am still completely confused. Don’t get me wrong…this show is fantastic. The planning that the writers must have had to do in advance is extraordinary. I’m hoping sooner or later it all makes sense. Of course, I’m the only one not getting it. My wife understands everything and we spend half the time with the show paused so she can explain what’s going on. Maybe my TV show comprehension scores were low in elementary school. Is there a way to check my permanent file?

Side note: Watching a TV series on DVD is so satisfying. There are no commercials and you don’t have to wait a week for the story to progress. I don’t think this would work as well with 30 minute shows, like The Hills, for instance. You almost need the time off to ponder the complexity of the show’s characters, issues and social relevance. For instance: “When I grow up, I want to treat my future bride like Spencer treats Heidi” or “Who would be worse in bed, Lauren or Audrina?” or “Do you think Brody is funny and cute or more cute and funny.”

told me I’m not allowed to write about the 49ers at all this week because we’ve already wasted too many hours of our lives on these guys. But I have to just say one more thing. Is there anything less intimidating in sports then when Alex Smith and the 49ers take the field? I literally was in hysterics this weekend every time this happened. The Niners would get the ball back, there would be a shot of Alex Smith (you can’t not call him by his full name, ever notice that?) tightening his chin strap, and I would yell “here come the Niners!” at the top of my lungs and then double over in hysterics. This was in the comfort of my own home mind you. They are the worst team in football. This is not debatable.

Last thing to discuss…is Tony Romo cool? I just don’t see it. Sure, he’s the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys…but it ends right there. He doesn’t have Brady’s championships, Favre’s swagger or Neil Racker’s horse cock.

I guess he’s still cooler than Alex Smith. Ouch.

The Football Hangover: 10/29/07

Fantasy Fuck Yous: Fuck You, Jamal Lewis. Fuck You, Chad Pennington. Fuck You, Plaxico Burress.

Question: Was Tom Brady always this good and he just had a bunch of crappy receivers or is he simply playing out of his head this year? A little bit of both, right? Also, you have to hand it to Belichick, not only the best strategist in the league, but by far and away the best motivator. Every team is going to lose focus once or twice a year, that’s just human nature, but Belichick has his team totally on message and on track, they’ve all bought into the “everyone is questioning our success, let’s ass fuck the shit out of them!” mantra and it’s working.

Here’s my latest conspiracy theory: Pete Carroll already has a deal in place to be the coach and GM of the Chargers. The SD brass offered him the full package last summer, but he waffled a bit and they offered the job to Turner out of desperation, worried that they’d be left without a coach if they waited any longer. Carroll regrets that he passed and is dying to prove he can succeed in the NFL, his heart isn’t in the college game anymore and that’s why USC has lost twice this year. They have the most talent in the country and should be #1 right now, they’re losing b/c their coach is drawing up plays for Shawne Merriman at halftime. Carroll will be the main man in SD by April, guaranteed.

I think we all need to calm down about the Giants. Yes the D is playing out of its mind, yes they have a solid running game, yes Eli has stopped crying on the sideline and yes they’ve run off 6 straight victories. But let’s take a step back here, their 6 wins were against Washington (crapping blood this morning), Philly (a mess), The Jets (dog shit), Atlanta (horse shit), Niners (elephant shit) and the Dolphins (shit shit). Combined records of those 6 teams: 10-33. They’ve played two legitimate teams this year, the Cowboys and the Packers and gave up a combined 80 points, so let’s take a deep breath here before we say they’re a top 5 team. Coughlin will lose that locker room at some point, it’s like daylight saving’s time or waking yourself up with a gross fart after roadside tacos, it happens every time.

I told you to keep away from four teams this year: The Giants, Vikings, Jags and Chiefs. The combined record of the four: 17-12. Whoops.

I told you to watch four teams this year: Cowboys, Packers, Broncos and Steelers. The combined record of the four: 19-7. Decent. My stay away picks look pretty shit right now, but hey, at least I got the Pack right.

Sean Alexander Watch:
The Bet: 1500 yards and 15 tds
Season So Far: 460 yards and 2 tds
Projection: 1051 yards and 5 tds

Fuck. Thank God I traded him.

Friday, October 26, 2007

3 Apples and 2 Moustaches...for a Friday

Last night, my pleasant little evening at home was interrupted by a man in a pink van with a microphone and an amplifier. He was driving around the neighborhood announcing his political agenda which included but was not limited to; legalization of everything, human rights for the seals near Pier 39 and making Golden Gate Park completely clothes free. You see, this guy is running for mayor of San Francisco. His name will appear next to Gavin Newsome’s at next month's elections. Best city ever? I think so.

I think ‘prolly’ should replace ‘probably’ in the dictionary. It’s much easier to say and way more fun to write.

Toss Up. What’s the worse thing about being in Union Square on a crowded Saturday afternoon?

-The Pigeons

-The Homeless

-The Tourists

My how the mighty have fallen. Danny Wuerffel has a MySpace page. No, really. Former Heisman trophy winner Danny Wuerffel has a MySpace page. He has a grand total of 32 friends including Tom. I’ve recently requested to be added as his friend. Stay tuned.

Check it out for yourself:

Side note: Last year I bought Jericho a Danny Wuerffel Redskins jersey for his birthday. I’m not sure why. It just felt right. He wore it out all night at the bars. He started the night well, making small talk and downing beers. Midway through he was the most popular guy out; meeting chicks and taking shots. By the end of the night he was searching his pockets for loose change while in line at Bur-Eat-Os. Sounds about right.

Now we don’t have sponsors…yet. But if we could we’d be sponsored by PBF comics. Not sure why or what for but it just feels right. Have a look at the adventures of the man with no penis.

Would you rather? by Magglio and Jericho

Would you rather give Keyshawn Johnson a hand job while humming the USC fight song, or have Emmitt Smith sleep in bed with you and your significant other for three months? No funny business, just sleeping.

Would you rather have Mel Kiper's head but your voice for a month or Mel Kiper's voice, but your head for an entire year?

Would you rather ice skate while holding hands with Ed Werder (pictured) every Christmas eve or spend every 4th of July in a small room while Eric Young reads to you from ‘Cat in the Hat’?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

3 Apples and 2 Moustaches

Have you heard about the all lesbian remake of Beauty and the Beast? It’s called Barbie and the Butch.

If you’re Arnold and your state is on fire, don’t you have to offer to personally fight the fire at some point…with your fists? I mean, it’s somewhat reassuring to see Arnold addressing the firemen, comforting the victims, wearing windbreakers. But how much better would you feel if Arnold ripped his shirt off, stared right into the camera and said, “drop me in da middle.” Isn’t he obligated to do this at some point, even if it’s just on a soundstage somewhere?


The top five movies I’m looking forward to seeing this fall / winter:

1. American Gangster

Russell Crowe is a total enigma to me, how can he be so tough and so weak at the exact same time? Doesn’t that go against the laws of physics? Did you see him in the booth during Monday night football? He’s Russell Crowe, surly, great actor, doesn’t give a shit, but then he’s wearing a hat and has a little pony tail sticking out of the back. What the hell? You know when you take an awesome dump and then have a messy, 30-minute marathon wipe afterwards? That’s Russell Crowe.

2. No Country for Old Men

Coen Brothers. Dark and creepy as hell. Count me in.

3. Lions for Lambs

Couldn’t be happier that Tom Cruise decided to be in this movie. Have been and still am a huge Cruise fan, even though he has his own sonogram machine, jumps off a 30 foot platform to get into bed and has turned Katie Holmes into a “good looking housewife” action figure. Someone finally talked a little sense into Tom and reminded him of one of Hollywood’s oldest adages: When the public turns against you play a villain. He’ll be perfect in this role. Having Meryl and Redford along for the ride doesn’t hurt either.

4. The Kite Runner

Not only is this one of the more amazing books I’ve ever read, but Marc Forster is far and away the most interesting director working today. The thing I love about Forster is that he doesn’t have a set style, he changes with the material, giving each of his films their own unique look and feel (here’s another column dying to be written: who makes better films, directors or writer/directors? Forster weighs heavily into the director argument). Can you believe the same director made Monster’s Ball, the very underrated Stay, Finding Neverland and Stranger than Fiction? Can’t wait to see what he does with the Kite Runner.

5. Sweeney Todd

At this point I’d pay to see Depp and Burton do just about anything, remake Serendipity, have tea on horseback, talk for an hour about their favorite foot itch remedies, anything.

There really is nothing more awkward, in the first few weeks of a job, than walking to the bathroom with someone and then realizing you’re both headed to a stall. Do you talk? Do you try and go really slow so there’s not much noise? Do you clear your throat to cover the sound of farts? There’s really no easy or good way to handle this, you just poop what you have to poop and hope for the best. Fortunately I’m a director now so I can just let it rip, but I feel sorry for the AE next to me, being that quiet must’ve hurt a little.

Have been watching CNN nonstop since the fires started and just the following headline: President Bush declares that Southern California fires are “sad.” Gee, thanks, George. I wonder if he’ll also add that fire is hot and that marshmallows burn faster than houses.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A guy’s perspective on…

Period commercials.
I saw one last night which showed a maxi-pad balancing on a mechanical bull. What? I mean I’m not a chick or anything but is the ability to simulate bull riding while on your period a factor in the decision making process? Cause if it is, then modern technology has the answer for you.

Dresses that girls wear for girls.
Guys, try to follow me here. This is bizarre, truly bizarre. Girls go shopping for dresses with the intention of impressing guys, but ultimately they only attract other girls. Instead of finding the sexiest, hottest, tightest, most revealing dress…they search for something that is baggy, flowy and just plain weird. Pay attention the next time you go out. There will be a good portion of girls wearing dresses that make them look like an Olsen twin. This is popular fashion these days. Dresses that guys would never find attractive. Now don’t get me wrong ladies, I think these dresses are fun. I guess what confuses me is the overall goal of the evening. Am I wrong to assume that one of the key pieces of the ‘let’s go out and meet guys’ puzzle is the outfit? I’m a guy. I’d much rather see some cleavage and some skin then a burlap sack with some shiny buttons on it. Just saying.

Britney Spears.
Totally trashy, socially inept, yet still kinda hot. There, I said it. Every one of you guys is thinking the same thing. Sure she’s gotten a little rough around the edges, she probably smells like hamster food and she’s built like Danny Devito…but she’s still Britney Spears. You’d totally hook up with her if you had the chance. I stand by my proclamation that if Britney Spears was in Playboy it would be the best selling issue of all time. Indeed we’ve gotten unintended sneak peeks, but imagine if we could photoshop those moments, drape them in a soft focus and put her back in that ‘Hit me baby one more time’ motif. Now who can argue with that?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Let’s talk warm fuzzies not cold pricklies

My original idea for this post was to ponder the sad state of Bay Area sports. There was a sidebar in The Chronicle today about the success of Boston area sports teams right now; The Red Sox are World Series bound, the Patriots are steamrolling the NFL, Boston College is number 2 in the BCS, the Celtics just landed Kevin Garnett and the Bruins….well, I skip the hockey parts. So you can imagine how this post was going to be, whoa is me, whoa is us, blah blah blah the Bay Area is in a sad state of sports affairs.

But no, not today. Today let’s talk warm fuzzies not cold pricklies. Let’s talk Frank Gore, Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain. Let’s enjoy a blue bottle latte and get excited about Marco Belinelli, Matt Barnes and Jack Cust. Let’s replace our light bulbs with CFLs and celebrate Jamarcus Russell, Angel Miguel Villalona and Logan Couture (damn that was painful.) Let’s re-elect Newsome and watch Javhid Best with our jaws on the floor.

There’s a lot to be excited about for Bay Area sports. Sure we’re never mentioned in national discussions anymore, but we’re on the cusp of something big. The A’s are moving, the Niners might be moving and Stanford moves me to lose my lunch. (If that’s not the most Scott Ostler like line I’ve ever written then I don’t know what is.) Big things are happening here.

Mark my words, one of these days, we’ll be dancing in the street celebrating a world title. We’ll hoist our leather clad neighbors and emaciated hipster compadres on our shoulders and cheer as one. It starts here, it starts now. Today we bond together as The Bay Area. No more hating the Raiders or Niners. No more hating Cal or Stanford. Today we unite and cheer together. We root for each other and bond together to dominate the sports world.

So let’s go Oakland, pull it together. Grow a pair and start throwing the ball deep. Get back on track Niners, quit your griping, tighten your chin straps and play like it’s your full time job. Cal, shake it off. I know it stings, but you’ve still got a top notch offense and a whole lot of season left to play. And Stanford…well, um, cool mascot.

Monday, October 22, 2007

I'm on Fantasy Life Support

Today is a tough day for me. Seven weeks into the NFL season and all of my fantasy teams are on life support. I have 3 teams to be exact and all 3 have losing records.

Allow me to present the evidence:

League: High School Friends
Current Record: 2-5
Teams in league: 10
Best Draft Pick: Kellen Winslow
Worst Draft Pick: Drew Brees
Chance of making the playoffs: 15 to 1
Synopsis: This team, like most on draft day, had so much potential. I had the opportunity to take the 2nd QB off the board at the end of the third round. I chose Brees over Brady, a fatal mistake. I also got stung real bad with the injury bug. My starting WRs for week 1 were Anquan Boldin, Santana Moss and Deion Branch. Today, I rely on Kevin Curtis, Ronald Curry and Reggie Williams. It’s like if Heidi, LC and Audrina were replaced with Betty White, Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty after the first few episodes. Not very pretty is it?

Side note: I’m about to accept a blockbuster 8 player trade tomorrow morning. I’m dumping Boldin, Selvin Young, Willis McGahee and Curtis for Palmer, Chambers, Barber and Dwayne Bowe. It sure sounds good. But is it too little too late? Stay tuned.

League: College Friends
Current Record: 3-4
Teams in league: 12
Best Draft Pick: Adrian Peterson (6th round)
Worst Draft Pick: Vince Young and Alex Smith (sweet)
Chance of making the playoffs: 10 to 1
Synopsis: I still feel ok about this team I’m just not getting any breaks. Winning a fantasy season means getting ALL of the breaks. Good match-ups, dodging injuries and pillaging the waiver wire. Nothing has gone my way. I made a good trade mid season for Tony Romo and then he proceeded to throw 5 picks in a game. This week? I was playing Sir Wins-a-lot, an 0-6 team that decided to start the Seahawks defense. Thirty-five points later he got his first win and I’m below .500. More like Sir-Crushing-Me.

League: Family league
Current Record: 0-7 (I’m serious)
Teams in league: 10
Best Draft Pick: N/A
Worst Draft Pick: Everyone (basically reference the all-nut sack team…it looked something like that)
Chance of making the playoffs: 100 to 1
Synopsis: I am mortified. For a league I won easily two years in a row I have plummeted to the cellar. This is beyond embarrassing. I have made 27 transactions in this league. The next closest team has made 6. Nobody came through. I started Kenny Watson for 2 weeks in a row and then benched him and his 3tds this week. Go figure. If I don’t win at least 1 game this season I will get a tattoo of Drew Brees’ mole on my face in the same spot as his.

Now go. Please. The pain is too much.

Friday, October 19, 2007

6 Apples and Moustaches

Have you heard about the new ABC show that's debuting in a few weeks? It’s a dark comedy about women who meet men on the Internet, have full fledged online relationships with them (email, IM and chat rooms only, never actually meeting them), only to discover that they are married in real life. The title: Desperate Mousewives.

Have you heard about the new X-rated cartoon that’s premiering on Adult Swim in a few weeks? It’s a take off on Winnie the Pooh Bear, except Winnie has been replaced by a giant, whiney vagina. The Title: Whiney The Goo Bear.

I owe an apology to my girlfriend, my female friends and every woman I’ve ever made fun of for complaining about how uncomfortable their shoes are or that they can’t walk any farther because their feet hurt. I recently bought my first pair of expensive, obnoxious, uber-hip Italian leather dress shoes and holy fuck my feet hurt. The other night I got off BART and jumped in a cab rather than walk the mile to my house, which is the first time I can ever remember willingly doing that. Damn these man heels.

(I can’t emphasize what a major development this is for a cheap fuck like me. To wit, I was locked out of my apartment once and couldn’t get a hold of anyone I knew, so rather than stay in a motel and call it even, I just walked around all night, going from the bay to the ocean…twice! I was the like the cheap fuck Forrest Gump.)

Here’s a ratio I’d like to see: the number of times per hour the BART operators announce that the elevators aren’t working vs. the number of people a day who use the elevators when they’re actually working.

Dear San Francisco Tourists,

Unlike some of my fellow residents, I don’t bare you any ill will, I really don’t. I’ve been in your situation before, I’ve been a stranger in a strange city and I hope to do so again soon. I understand I really do. Wear your dumb little shorts and freeze, fold and unfold your dumb little map as many times as you want, shit, I’ll even stop to give you directions. I will, I promise. Just do me this one thing: get the fuck out of the way! Move! Don’t stop in the middle of the fucking sidewalk to look at your map, the sidewalk’s huge, scoot the fuck over. Member how nice this letter started? I’d love to keep it nice but I will knock you the fuck over! I’ve got 15 minutes to get a sandwich and eat a sandwich, I’ll road grade your dumb fucking ass.


So Seattle announced a new public transit initiative today, a train that runs from downtown to south lake union. This is a huge step and long, long, long overdue. It’s a great move and one the city will absolutely love. So the city planners, in all their infident wisdom, named the line the South Lake Union Train. Or in other words, SLUT. Are you kidding me? How fucking dumb are these people? Poor Seattlites, they can’t even name a fucking train right.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

My fault.

My fault. Totally my fault. I'll admit when I'm wrong. I reset the counter on our page. We were up to almost 1,700 hits and I decided it was time to upgrade. Who knew it was going to start at zero again. Jericho threw a fit. Something about the authenticity of our site blah blah blah. I stopped listening.

So check out our new site counter to the right. Pretty sweet huh? Sure it's about 1,700 hits short, but so was I when I entered college and look how I turned out.

And don't forget, tomorrow's Friday.

5 signs that your wife is having problems accepting how busy you are at your new job

1. She takes on unnecessary projects around the house

2. She answers normal, innocuous questions with high-pitched emotional replies

3. She repeatedly asks abstract, feeble questions like “when can we just be us?

4. She sends you a blank email with a picture of the two of you dressed up and dancing attached.

5. She cuts and pastes IMs you send her, compiles them into a large document and then makes you read and analyze them with her later.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

A Guy’s perspective on….The Hills

Not the show as a whole but the 3 main guys on the show. If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching these 3 guys in action, well my friends, you just haven’t lived. Brody, Justin-Bobby and Spencer (pictured) are three of the biggest d-bags on the planet. What’s impressive however, is how incredibly weak they all are in their own regards.

Let’s break it down:

Terribly handsome. Dumber than Mandy Lynn from America’s Most Smartest Model. And worst of all, absent of any sort of conviction. I realize I sound like an old Jewish woman when I say this, but Brody stands for nothing. He has no real friends. Never has a real opinion about anything. Never says anything of any worth. I swear he spends 80% of his time staring in the mirror practicing his ‘quizzical/pensive/genetically gifted’ stare. He’s my least favorite by far.

Justin-Bobby –
This guy is so impressed with himself it’s incredible. He’s always wearing some sort of homeless head covering and is never listening to what anyone else is saying. Granted, if I had to hang out with Audrina and her dumb friends all day I’d probably tune them out as well. But this guy is different. His favorite words are ‘chill’ ‘mellow’ and ‘chill’. He’s the poser dude who was a skater, prep, jock, band nerd in high school and somehow got stuck in the grunge phase permanently. He’s also always drunk. Which is cool.

Spencer –
I’ve come full circle with this guy. At first, I had to leave the room when he was onscreen. But now he is my favorite part of the show. He is the epitome of The Hills. He’s pointless, useless, chauvinistic and incredibly self-centered. And that’s just describing his facial hair. I think Spencer should have his own show. I think cameras should be stationed in his living room at all times and you should be able to watch regular TV with a picture-in-picture view of Spencer. Could you imagine? Spencer is sitting on the couch. Spencer is reading the comics. Spencer is playing video games. Amazing. Keep on keeping on Spencer.

5 things that everyone likes that I secretly hate

1. The Beastie Boys

I realize that hating the Beastie Boys is blatant disregard for my responsibilities as a pale, white male but I can’t help myself. I’ve never understood the draw, if I wanted to hear three skinny white dudes act hard and scream at each other I’d go play a game of basketball at the YMCA. The names kill me too: Mike D, Ad-Rock, MCA and Mix Master Mike yet their real names are Diamond, Yauch, Horovitz and Schwartz. Maybe if they were named the Bar Mitzvah Boys or the Roshashana Rambos they’d be cooler. Actually no, untalented, skinny white kids screaming will always be untalented, skinny white kids screaming

2. The Wizard of Oz

It baffles me how people can watch this movie all the way through without wanting to hurt someone afterwards. Forget about the lollypop gang, the flying monkeys, Toto, the scarecrow, the tin man, the witch and all the other annoying as fuck characters. The Lion! Holy shit the lion. The lion is the Jar Jar Binks of his generation, he ruins every scene he’s in, in fact he even ruins scenes he’s not in b/c 1) you’re pissed he was just on screen and 2) are pissed b/c you know he’s about to come back. Man, I hate this movie.

(Side note: did you know this is George Bush’s favorite movie? What the fuck? Can’t you just imagine him squealing with delight at the lollypop gang and repeatedly misquoting lines like, “Toto, Kansas is not where we are currently.” Shouldn’t favorite movies, books, TV shows, 90210 characters, Beatles songs and white wide receivers weigh more heavily into presidential debates? They all say the same fucking thing about everything anyway, if we did the debates over again and the moderator asked what their favorite movie was and Kerry said something cool like Full Metal Jacket and Bush said Wizard of Oz with a dumb little smile on his face, would the election still have had the same result?)

3. Moby Dick

Hey, I like long, overblown, melodramatic “classics” as much as they next guy, and this is definitely my favorite American novel that sounds like a venereal disease, but give me a break with this one. The premise is great, the action is awesome, but you know what kills this book? 975 pages about whaling techniques in the 1800s. Who gives a fuck? I don’t care about whale innards, rowing patterns, wind temperaments, just kill the fucking thing!

4. Whistling

Some people love doing this, I just don’t think it’s that cool.

5. Lost, Entourage, Alias, The Wire, Prison Break, Heroes, CSI, Scrubs and How I Met Your Mother

I’ve never actually seen a minute of any of those shows but already know I fucking hate every single one of them.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The All-Nut Sack Team

Could there be a stranger year in fantasy football? The NFL is usually rife with parody while fantasy statistics remain consistent. Not this year. Not even close. One of my teams is 0-6 behind a team that drafted Michael Vick, Rex Grossman and Nehemiah Broughton. I’m serious. Another team counts on James Jones, Kevin Curtis and Ronald Curry as the starting WRs. This is getting ugly.

And with that, I’d like to bring you this season’s first All Nut-Sack rankings. The All Nut-Sack team ranks the top 10 biggest failures in Fantasy Football to date.

The All-Nut Sack Team (through week 6)

Drew Brees – QB
Drew Deez is easily having one of the biggest letdown seasons in recent memory. This is Kevan Barlow big. This is Kordell Stewart big (on the Steelers, not the Ravens). This is Curtis Enis big. In his last preseason game, Brees threw for 5 tds…raise your hand if you chose Brees over Brady this season. Yep. What did we learn here? Never trust a millionaire with a mole. Am I wrong?

Lee Evans – WR
Where to begin? This was going to be the year Evans became a fantasy stud. Six weeks into the season and Evans has mustered 12 lousy catches. What’s that you say? He’s playing with a back-up QB? Not an excuse, just ask Steve Smith. Evans reminds me of Elijah Wood. Small, timid and frightened when given great expectations. (Ok, that will be the first and last time I try to make a Lord of the Rings reference. Truth be told I saw half of the movie and had to walk out. It was creepy and boring and confusing. And worst of all, if that ring held so much power than why was Elijah Wood such a pussy when he had it in his control? He could’ve at least made a ruckus. That movie still pisses me off.)

Frank Gore – RB
It’s not your fault Frank. Your team blows. You don’t have a QB or a WR to take any of the heat off of you. And you’re the only option we’ve got. It’s not your fault Frank, it’s not your fault.

Laurence Maroney – RB
Rub some dirt on it for Christ’s sake. I’m sorry you have an owie Larry but this is football, shit happens. Maroney held so much promise the past few seasons and has yet to materialize. I formally apologize to my friend Derick for ridiculing his draft pick of Sammy Morris, Maroney’s back up in New England. Morris may finish in the top 5 scoring running backs when it’s all said and done.

Santana Moss, Anquan Boldin, Calvin Johnson, Hines Ward, Marvin Harrison
Injuries took down these big names. This season may go down as one of the most injury riddled seasons in history. Is anybody staying healthy?

Steven Jackson – RB
Sweet commercials. Tons of magazine covers. Kick-ass hair. Zero touchdowns.

Marcus Coston – WR
See #1 for explanation. (It’s important also to note that while Drew Brees is mainly responsible for the collapse in New Orleans, the loss of Joe Horn could be the x-factor here. Horn brought leadership, credibility and street smarts to New Orleans. He kept that team grounded, motivated and playing with a purpose. Without Horn, Colston is left to figure it out himself (and fight double teams), and the Saints are left with a bunch of teammates still watching their Sports Illustrated 2006 NFC Champs commemorative DVD. Still available for a limited time.)

Shaun Alexander – RB
We saw this one coming. Alexander made his money and is riding out his contract. It’s sad when players lose their passion for the game after they get paid. Watching him this year is like watching a ballerina dance to avoid big hits…except this ballerina has a gap in her teeth, is a devout Christian and is scared of physical contact. I guess most ballerina’s are scared of physical contact. Whatever. You get my point.

Vincent Jackson – WR
A ton of hype and no results. Remember Matthew Hatchette? Exactly. He was a trendy pick a few years back. He was going to be Pennington’s ‘go-to-guy’. Fact: the most catches Hatchette had in a season was 16. Ouch.

Alex Smith - QB
Listen Alex, I didn’t want to put you on this list but I had to. I’m not mad at you I just need to see something more from you. Something that makes me feel good about trusting you with our sacred franchise. So make me proud Alex Smith. We still believe in you.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Two Apples and a Moustache for a Friday afternoon

This Tuesday and Wednesday was possibly the worst days of the sports year. Now, I can’t remember as far back as April and May, but I'm sure this past Tuesday and Wednesday was as bad as it gets. No sports. Nothing. No baseball, no football (college or pro). Not even an Arena League or CFL game. It was a tough couple of days. Conversations around the water cooler were awkward. Jericho and I had to talk about our feelings with each other. And worst of all it gave us pause to realize we’re already 6 weeks into the football season. It’s almost November which means it’s almost January which means football is almost over. Damn it. Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?

Note to self; don’t try to pick up a TV show in its second season if the entire premise is about character building, secret powers and a wayward Asian-man. I’ve started to watch Heroes this season and I am completely confused. Without a doubt I needed to watch the first season to learn the back story, to figure out who these people are and who they’re all hiding from. Why aren’t they kicking more ass instead of just being paranoid all the time?

Second note to self for this TV season; Only add one show a season. I already watch The Office and 30 Rock, so one more show is about all I can handle. This season, I’m attempting to add Heroes, Bionic Woman and Dirty, Sexy, Money. Yes, I know. You don’t have to say it…but have you seen that chick put the smack down with her bionic arm? (Side note: I can’t get over the fact that Dr. Burke is on this show. Every time he comes on the screen I yell out lines like “Do you think she needs Dr. Burke to do an emergency triple bypass?” or “What does Dr. Burke know about hand-to-hand combat?” or “Does she know Dr. Burke hates gay people?”)

My secret TV obsession this season? America’s most smartest model.

I saw Natalie Portman earlier this week. I was just walking down the street on my way to work and I walked right by her. She had on a hooded sweatshirt and was engaged in a conversation with some dude. She was exactly as cute as you’d expect her to be.

Every guy had the same question when I told them I ran into her “was she hot?” Every girl had the same question “was she tiny?” I answered both in the same way. “Yes” and “No, she was about 5’6”, normal size.” Only later did my wife inform me that the question girls were actually asking was “did she look super skinny?” I don’t know. Don’t ask me questions like that.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Five Levels of Sports Knowledge

There are varying degrees of sports knowledge. Over time these degrees have separated into five distinct levels. One is the lowest and five is the highest. I, confidently, am at level five. Jericho also is at level five. You, my reader? The jury’s still out.

It’s a simple concept but one that is often times glossed over or whose intricacies are not completely understood. Whereas my mom could say her favorite Giant of all time was Benito Santiago, (she liked the way it sounds like a party every time you say his name) she couldn’t tell you what position he played. My sister sat courtside at last year’s NBA All-Star game but couldn’t tell the difference between Ben Wallace and Rasheed Wallace. Ok, ok, those examples are easy. Girls either know nothing about sports or are freakishly versed in rattling off the starting infield for the ’91 Oakland A’s. (Let’s see here…Lansford, Weiss, Gallego, McGuire – yep, still got it.)

It’s with other dudes that the levels can be tricky. And as we’ve noted before, there is nothing worse than entering into a conversation with a guy who knows nothing about sports. Often times they try to disguise themselves but their knowledge comes straight from the headlines of (“Wow, they’re sure throwing the book at Michael Vick aren’t they?!”)

The following describes the various levels of sports knowledge. Included are specific examples and recommendations to improve to the next level. It’s like karate or one of those nerd video games, the more you “play” the higher the level you reach.

***Level One***
This is the lowest level. Most women and small children are at level one. At this level you can recognize the physical difference between a baseball and a football. However, when asked to identify a basketball from a group of objects, you stare blankly. For those at level one we recommend giving up. There is no purpose for living any longer.

***Level Two***
The second level is reserved for girlfriends who hate sports, men who were in the school band and Europeans. At this level you immediately have an adverse reaction when seeing a loved one on the couch enthralled in a game. You say words like “this is so boring” and “it’s just a game” to try and get attention. It rarely works. Recommendations for this level include trying to identify a sport you can relate to. Like shuffleboard, horseshoes or canasta*.

*Please note, while not technically a sport, canasta is still a game whose competitiveness and strategy sort of mimic actual physical sports. Well, not really. But anytime you can sneak canasta into a blog post you know things are going well.

***Level Three***
This is the lowest level any respectable man can fall into. At this level, you can participate in very top line sports conversations revolving around teams and their former big name superstars. There isn’t any substance behind what is said, but at least 95% of the time the reference is correct. For example:

You: “Hey, how are the 49ers doing this season?”

Me: “They’re terrible. Their offense is anemic, their defense spends too much time on the field and they’ve seem to have lost all momentum from last season.”

You: “San Francisco was much better when Joe Montana was around.”

(See, this is my point. While the level three person thinks they’re advancing the conversation, they’re actually killing it. How do you reply to something like this? Now imagine you’re at a cocktail party or a double date and this is the other “guy” you’re supposed to be “nice” to. It stings doesn’t it?)

At this level, we recommend reading the sports page a few more times a week. Visit more often. Take an interest in one sport or one team. Follow them for an entire season. Rinse and repeat.

***Level Four***
Most red blooded men in America are at level four. You probably played a sport in high school (a real sport – not waterpolo), have been to multiple professional sporting events and claim either Michael Jordan, Ken Griffey Jr. or Bo Jackson as your favorite athlete of all time. You have played fantasy football for a couple of years but consistently get a loss or two each season because:

a) You forgot to change out an injured player

b) You were out of town for a period of time with your significant other. (Not an excuse. The Internet is everywhere or you find a trusted resource to manage your team while you’re away.)

c) You were already out of the running and instead of being a man and finishing the season, you threw in the towel. (Karma’s a bitch buddy. Just wait till you need a win from the last place team in the last week of the season.)

At this level we recommend you re-evaluate your priorities. You are close to achieving ultimate sports knowledge but without making personal sacrifices you’ll never get there.

***Level Five***

The ultimate goal for every man in America. You can easily name the colleges of the following athletes:
1) Kobe Bryant
2) Stacey Augmon
3) David Carr

After enough thinking, you can manage to name the colleges of the following athletes:
1) Adonal Foyle
2) Ladell Betts
3) Darnell Autry

Signs you are at the fifth and highest level of sports knowledge:

You plan your children’s birth dates in the months of April and May. You religiously read the sports page every single day. You have seriously considered naming your first-born Don Mattingly Harris. Your favorite player on a football team is a lineman, a safety or a linebacker. Whenever a major upset happens in college sports you know exactly which friend to call to rub it in. You have watched an entire major league draft either in person or on TV. You have most likely won a fantasy sports championship and if you haven’t you know exactly what you would have done differently. On Saturday nights you dream about the day your fantasy football team is about to have. You check more than 10 times a day. You have waited in line for more than 5 hours for a major sporting event. You know exactly whose jersey you would own if you lived in any major city in America, for every major sports team. For at least one season, you have watched or listened on the radio to every single game of a baseball team’s season. You’ve cried at some point in your life because of a sports team. You write for Apples and Moustaches.

Monday, October 8, 2007

An open letter to Alex Rodriquez

Dear Mr. Rodriquez,

Let me be the first to officially welcome you to the 2007 off-season. Can I offer you a cool beverage or a tasty snack? And while we’re at it have you ever really been to San Francisco? Sure you stopped off this past July for a few days, but did you have time to stop and enjoy the views? Or a chance to walk around The Embarcadero? It’s a nice little place to call home.

Our ball club isn’t too bad either. Sure, we have our share of old timers but we also have some promising young guns too. Ever hear of a guy named Matt Cain or perhaps Tim Lincecum? (I guess you don’t read this blog much. We here at Apples and Moustaches are avid supporters of our young gun slingers.) Well, soon you and the rest of the league will know of their super powers. But I digress. San Francisco is an excellent place to live and an even better place to play ball.

It’s been called the best park in baseball with views of the Bay Bridge and Oakland. On a nice summer day the bleachers are just about the coolest place to be. The place reeks of garlic fries and 1 out of every 5 fans is talking on their cell phone at any given time. But the fans are forgetful, forgivable and damn it if they aren’t loyal. And, sometimes Willie Mays even makes an appearance.

In New York there are tons of celebs and high profile individuals clamoring for the spot of top dog. Hell, you’re not even the most popular person on your team. San Francisco could use a real tried and true male celebrity. Sure, we have Gavin Newsome and don’t get me wrong he’s amazing, but it could be time for some fresh socialite, scene stealing blood. And while Barry Bonds undoubtedly commanded our respect and admiration, he rarely actually set foot in San Francisco.

So come on over Mr. Rodriquez and have a look at what we’re all about. Our salary just got about $18MM lighter and I’m sure Peter Magowan and the boys would be willing to open their pocket books just a little bit more. Did I mention the Folsom Street fair?

Sincerely yours,

P.S. Matt Cain, 20 wins next season. You heard it here first.

Sunday, October 7, 2007


The words will forever haunt the Stanford play-by-play announcer. For the life of me I cannot remember his name but I will never forget his call. Lined up 10 yards from the end zone with just under a minute to play, Stanford faced a 4th and Goal situation. Down by 6 points, Stanford had one final shot at unseating the number 1 team in the country. Now, unless you were touring wine country this weekend or antiquing in Alameda you know the outcome.

The scrawny Stanford quarterback threw up a prayer and “the big guy” answered him. (In case you missed the QB’s post-game interview, it came off like Sunday morning at the White House.) And the announcer screamed at the top of his lungs, “TOUCHDOWN USC!”

The biggest call this announcer will ever make, the biggest upset in college football this season, the defining moment in Stanford football in the new millennium and this guy yells the wrong team name. I was almost as shocked as Rachel was when Ross said her name during his wedding to the British chick.

Announcers can truly make or break a game. How many times have announcers foreshadowed impending doom for the home team? How many times has an announcer uttered the words “no hitter” moments before an infield single? How many times has an announcer correctly predicted a fumble, an error or any other game breaking play? Or worse, have you ever listened to Tim McCarver do baseball commentary? He goes completely against the grain and ONLY tries to predict what will happen next.

The craziest part of all is that in today’s technology consumed world, the Stanford announcer’s call will forever be immortalized. Jackass.