Monday, March 31, 2008

An A&M to start the week

Where does the fact that all four #1 seeds have never made the final four rank on the “things that don’t make any sense yet make complete sense” scale? Before or after W getting elected twice? Before or after Megan Fox having sexual intercourse with Brian Austin Green on a regular basis? Or, before or after the idea that when you’re on a long car trip all you can think about is standing up and walking around but once you’re up and walking all you want to do is sit down?

Let me put it this way, scrubbing the bathroom because you need your deposit back rather than want your deposit back is akin to jerking off when your girlfriend has to run an errand versus jerking off after a week long camping trip with the boys and coming home to find your girlfriend is out running errands.

An anatomical guide to the political parties:

Republicans = a penis.

Republicans don’t give a fuck. They want the White House and will do whatever it takes to get there. If the nomination process was reversed right now, do you think the Republicans would be worried about the “rules” and “being fair to everyone” or would they just say, “fuck it” and do an automatic redo in Michigan and Florida? See, a penis doesn’t think about consequences, a penis says, I’m going in something tonight and I don’t give a fuck who knows or who cares. A penis acts without thinking, trusts its instincts and ultimately just does what’s best for itself at that exact moment, if that’s not “playing fair” who cares? Fair is a relative term that changes based on what the penis is currently after. A penis can have friends as long as there’s a distinct understanding of what everyone is after; anything or anyone that gets in its way is an enemy. Don’t fuck with a penis when it’s hard about something, it won’t listen and it won’t back down.

Democrats = a vagina

A vagina is a deep thinker, a philosopher, fair and equal, considerate, compassionate, just, educated, or in other words, a vagina is a complete fucking pussy. Only a vagina is capable of being dominated for 8 years and then get itself into a tizzy about whether or not to count Michigan and Florida, even though the penis has no say and is not involved in the decision in any way, shape or form. A vagina argues with itself constantly, it’s compassionate to a fault sometimes, spending so much time weighing the pros and cons that it lets opportunities slip away. A penis doesn’t have pros and cons, it has yes and no and that’s it. A vagina spends so much time analyzing its analysis that it doesn’t even realize the penis is fucking it until too late. A vagina wants to be loved and a penis wants to be respected, and that makes all the difference.

I wouldn’t call it my favorite movie, even though it’s definitely in my top 5, but the last 15 minutes of Shawshank are the best 15 minutes in movie history. There isn’t better writing, acting or direction anywhere. If you watch the last three minutes starting with “For the second time in my life, I’m guilty of committing a crime” and don’t get goose bumps then you need to step away from the computer and call your Mom right now.

Is Ashlee Simpson the Kate Bosworth of “I can look smoking hot or hideous depending on my outfit and your mood” or is it the other way around?

Look, I don’t blame the Giants for wanting to move on, start a new era and put the focus back on the team as a whole, but I think removing everything Bonds related is egregiously inane. The man was the Giants for the last 16 years and you remove every single image of him from the park? What about all the money he made the franchise over the years? Do you really think people were filling the park to see Rich fucking Aurilia? Ticket sales, merchandise, national exposure, you can erase all of that without Bonds. $100 million, $200 million, I don’t think it’s possible to calculate how much cash he made for the Giants and to cut ties that quickly is just wrong in my opinion. What about a simple poster in left field thanking him for 16 years? You don’t have to mention any of the records, the man won 5 MVPs in your uniform and this is how it ends? That’s sad.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Home, Sick

Things that sound like fun to do when you’re home sick from work, but actually kinda suck…

*Watch morning shows on TV?…um, has anyone seen those lately? Regis and Kelly can blow me. The View? Yeah, if I’m menstruating. Price is Right? I’m not sure if this show still exists.

*Jerk off?…no energy. Too tired.

*Nap?…too many meds in the system won’t allow actual sleep

*Read?…not possible, head is too fuzzy which means words are too fuzzy which means my head gets fuzzy again

*Talk on the phone?…to whom? Everyone is working. At least my wife doesn’t have caller ID at her desk so I can keep bugging her.

*Check Email?…why would I do that when I’m away from work? That’s just crazy talk.

*Play with Patch?...That’s fun for like 10 minutes, but then he gets pissed I’m not just letting him sleep all day. I don’t blame him. Little bastard.

*Watch a movie…too much commitment. I tried to watch Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds but gave up about 3 minutes in. But damn it he’s handsome.

*Listen to the new Raconteurs album?...I felt too shitty to even do that. And if you know how much I love Jack White then you know how crappy I felt.

NCAA Pool Update

You know you're out of an NCAA pool when you're watching a game hoping for Butler to beat Oklahoma but the problem is Butler and Oklahoma haven't been playing for at least a week. Here's the current standings of our super nerd blog pool we're in. Keep in mind the hockey blog is in first place. Awesome. Our self esteem is sky high.

The Battle of California – 58

The Sports Lounge – 56

Gossip on Sports – 55

Apples & Moustaches – 51

The Play in CA – 48

Bears Necessity – 44

More to come...

Thursday, March 27, 2008


By Magglio and Jericho-

*4 hours and 20 minutes until…the NCAA tournament resumes…sweet

*8 hours until…Jose Gonzlaez takes the stage at The Fillmore tonight

*3 days until…the potential reappearance of JustinBobby! Holy shit. What mischief has ol’ JB gotten himself into this time? Excessive knots in his hair? A battle and a loss with a bar of soap? Some sort of silly shenanigans? The legend returns. Stay tuned.

*4 days until…we all collectively scratch our heads and say…how the fuck did an 11-year-old kid lead Davidson to the Final 4?

*5 days until…someone hits two homers on opening day, prompting someone to make the requisite, "(fill in the blank) is on pace to hit 324 homeruns this season" joke, proving yet again how fucking stupid baseball is.

*20 days until…the Biggest Loser finale when the men finally take off their shirts and we learn that despite the massive weight loss they do in fact still have bitch tits. (Sweet luscious man bitch tits. Whoops, did I say that outloud?)

*30 days until…the Niners pass on lineman Gosder Cherilus to take a WR who is no better than Rashaun Woods was a few years back. (Side note: this is the guy that Jericho has been recommending the Niners take and we all should trust him after he lobbied for and got Patrick Willis last year.)

*4 months until…a man in a panda suit rides a unicycle into a large stadium, has pantomimed sex with a rhino and then gets eaten by a dragon, who swallows the bear, burps and then shoots fireballs out of his eyes at a large podium, or whatever else the weird Chinese will think of for the opening ceremony at the Olympics. Silly China.

*5 and a half months until…Jericho’s bachelor party. We’re looking into houses in Lake Tahoe, arranging “supplies” and seeing if we can contact Ashley Dupre. (side note: Honey, that’s not cause we want to have sex with a hooker. That’s cause we want Benny to have sex with a hooker. We’re trying to help a brother out. You understand. Don’t you?)

*2 years until…Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn join forces to form the world’s first super social networking site. The new domain, “LinkMyFaceToYourSpace” will fail after cunnilingus enthusiasts everywhere cry false advertising.

*3 years until…squatting and kneeling merge together to form Knequatting, the most uncomfortable position in human history.

*5 years until…the LSOLS (the lesbian society of lesbian societies) petitions congress to have Jodie Foster's knuckles declared national landmarks.

*6 years until…the scientific community finally agrees to remove “tit” from Hepatitis, saving a beautiful word from further disparity and forcing Paris Hilton to update her Hepais medicine.

*7 years until…Jenny Craig announces a controversial new diet drug called “DirtyPussy.” A spray that can be applied to all tempting foods, DirtyPussy makes even the sweetest treats taste like Rosie O’Donnell’s turf after a six-mile walk. In a moment of extreme irony, Pamela Anderson will spray her Keebler Rings with DirtyPussy only to have Rod Stewart (the one’s she’s currently giving Rabies to) proclaim, “blimey, these cookies taste just like your cookie, baby.”

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Hold please

Apples & Moustaches will return as soon as I shake this head cold and Jericho pulls his head out of his ass. In the meantime...thoughts from my snot rag... 

Come on in the water's great:
1. The Hills return to MTV...
2. Brian Bocock and Eugenio Valez
3. Jack White
4. Stanford Basketball
5. Betting on The Bachelor...I'm taking Shayne this season.

Get the F! outta here:
1. Allergies, Head Colds, Sarah Michelle Geller
2. Chris Webber
3. Continuous chatter about the NFL draft...let's just do it already
4. Texas Basketball 
5. Taxes...uh those are due soon right?

Monday, March 24, 2008

The Sweet 16

By Magglio and Jericho -

Following the best weekend in all of sports we wanted to provide you with the top 16 moments that stand out in our minds. Of course these started out as just NCAA posts but quickly turned into whatever was on our minds. In no particular order…

1. Stanford’s Brook Lopez is a man among boys. This kid is amazing. He single handily won the game for The Cardinal on Saturday. There was no part of him that would let his team lose. This is the kind of performance that will lift him to a top 10 pick in the upcoming NBA draft. You know what won’t help his twin brother Robin’s draft status? His Krusty the Clown hair. It looks like he has Macy Gray’s dome in a leg lock. But one questions remains, why do they have girl names? Did their parents lose a bet? I can't take them seriously

2. When you hear the statement “hit the glass” do you want to take a phat bong rip? Or is that just me?

3. MLB officially kicks off tonight/tomorrow morning at 3am with Boston and Oakland battling in Tokyo. Reports say the entire Japanese media hangs on the Sox every word and then vacates the premise when it’s time for them to speak with the A’s. Not sure why this is news. It’s called the ‘Associated Press’ or ‘ESPN’ or any of those other coastists fucks who will suck off anything having to do with Boston or New York while ignoring the West Coast. Go A’s.

4. Look, I like OJ Mayo. He's like a cross between Ben Gordon and Tayshaun Prince. But at the same time can someone talk to him about his little mustache? He looks like an accountant, and there's nothing dorkier than a chest-bumping accountant.

5. If they were handing out top seeds for the tournament this weekend, we’d give the nod to UNC, Wisconsin, Louisville and Kansas. Sorry West Virginia and Memphis. You get a 2 seed. UCLA? Stanford? 3-seeds. You’ve got a tall climb ahead of you.

6. Tickets for SF’s Outside Lands show are on sale this weekend to the general public. But, click on this link if you want to buy tickets now. As far as we can tell only 3-day passes are available. Plus, whose call was it to put Jack Johnson as a headliner above Wilco, Beck and Ben Harper? Bold call.

7. Hey CBS! Way too much Clark Kellog and Billy Packer and not enough Seth Davis and Bill Rafferty.

8. Defense wins championships. We all know this. So who has the best defense right now of the 16 teams remaining? Our bet is on Wisconsin, Washington State or West Virginia. Those teams play smothering in-your-face defense. It’s like a team of Stacey Augmon’s out there. If WSU can somehow make UNC play their style of ball, then they have a shot. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s any chance for the Cougars. Can you believe the spread for this game is only 8?

9. For some reason the other blogs in our ‘Battle of the Blogs’ challenge are scared to post the results after 2 rounds. We’re not. Here’s how we stand:

Apples & Moustaches – 43

Gossip on Sports – 43

The Battle of California – 42

The Sports Lounge – 40

The Play in CA – 40

Bears Necessity – 36

Yeah, that’s right. We’re tied for the lead at this point. And tied with a chick none-the-less. We’re not worried about it. Of course, it’s still anyone’s game. Pitt hurt us but we’re banking on big wins from West Virginia and Wisconsin as well as Memphis to choke on their own free throws. We like where we stand. Countdown till Apples and Moustaches take over the universe! (or at least get to offend a whole new crop of readers.)

10. After looking at her recent bikini pics…we came to a startling revelation. Jennifer Aniston is hotter than Angelina Jolie. How the fuck did this happen? This is like waking up one morning and realizing the Monkees were better than the Beatles.

11. Stephen Curry reminds me of Monta Ellis. Quick first step, natural jump shooter, glider rather than a sprinter. He seems like one of those guys that will get drafted in the 20s or 30s, do nothing for the first 2-3 years and then come out of nowhere to be a solid #2 option on a team.

12. We offered resident donkey punch KK the chance to write something for this post…here is what he came up with…:

The first week of March Madness is the most exciting and entertaining week of sports bar none. Last week proved once again why college basketball is the premier sport and why college football is a couple steps behind. March Madness generates so much buzz for not only sports-enthusiasts but also for people who don’t give a shit about sports. What other sport allows you to discuss predictions and analysis with co-workers who are fucking useless when it comes to sports.

And that concludes our KK as a writer experiment. Sorry, buddy, but this isn't show friends, this is show business.

13. Another thing CBS fucks up is having way too much analysis and predictions in the pre and halftime shows and not nearly enough info about the schools themselves. Where the fuck is Davidson? Why does Xavier’s mascot look like it belongs on a frozen fish sticks box? Who did they beat in the regular season, who’s their best player and what kind of defenses and offenses are they susceptible to? Instead we get blanket statements like “Georgetown has to make free throws.” Oh really, you think so, doctor?

14. Is there a dumber column to read online than "revised tourney predictions?" Fuck you, man! I'm in last fucking place and so are you, just bend over and take it!

15. By far the stupidest NFL rumor right now is that the Bengals and Cowboys are considering a Chad Johnson trade. How would that work? Ocho Cinco and TO on the same team? That'd be like that show Big Love except with Chloe Seignvy and Gennifer Goodwin replaced by two enormous black guys that can't pronounce vowels.

16. I know Bill Parcells is a genius and a two-time champion and all, but nothing negates greatness faster than bitch tits. Have you see him lately? I keep reading draft articles about what he might do at #1, and I'm reading his quotes and nodding at the screen, but then halfway down they show him standing on the practice field looking like Oprah would look if the lock on her fridge broke. A good friend of mine once said, "you can't be a red neck with a shirt on." Which is amazing, but I'd also like to add "you can't be a genius with bitch tits." Thank you.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Underrated Day 5: Random Shit

Underrated Opportunity to Have an Honest Discussion With Your Girl About How Inherently Crazy Woman Are:
Sex and the City. Pick an episode, any episode. Let me preface this by saying two things 1) it’s a great show, it really is, if your girl forces you to watch something, this is the one to watch, and 2) Carrie Bradshaw is an absolutely unredeemable character, selfish, self-centered, neurotic, needy, conniving, malicious, she is a cunt with a capital CUNT. However, her cuntiness does give us the opportunity to say things like, “do you see?! Do you see how crazy that is?!” Now, what long-term effect will pointing out Carrie’s cunty moves ultimately have? None, none whatsoever, but it’s still nice to feel like you’re actually accomplishing something. Kind of like when you think “don’t talk to me, homeless person, don’t talk to me, homeless person,” and then when he doesn’t, feeling like you have telepathy for a few minutes. That’s pretty cool.

Underrated Asshole Move People Pull at the Gym:

Filling their water bottle at the drinking fountain while a whole line of people wait. Fuck you, lady! Step aside and let me get a drink! It takes two fucking seconds. We all know you’re going to polish off the rest of that Angel’s Food Cake, read Cosmo and cry yourself to sleep tonight anyway, get the fuck out of the way and start now!

Underrated Racial Slur:

Not our department actually. You’ll have to ask our redneck friends at Your Immoral Compass for that one.

Underrated Facial Expression:

The smirk. It’s so versatile; no facial expression could have so many possible interpretations. “I’m gonna fuck your brains out.” “I hate your fucking guts.” “I really like the way these jeans fit.” “Keep talking, shit head, you’re getting dumber by the fucking second.” “You know what? I think I like New York, I could live here.”

Big fan of the smirk. And while we’re praising the smirk, hats off to Pierce Brosnan, the preeminent smirker of his generation.

Underrated aspect of the MP3 Player revolution:

Being able to ignore people in public because you have headphones on. This has changed my whole life. Homeless people, old co-workers shouting your name from across the street, activists, small children drowning in a fountain – it doesn’t matter, you can just keep on walking.

Underrated Part About Having a Blog:

Sure it’s fun to rant, to have a forum for voicing all of the weird thoughts that pop up through out the day. But you know what a blog is really about? The people. New friends, old friends, friends you’d never knew you’d make and friends you never knew you had. Having this blog has opened me up to a totally undiscovered world of cool sites, great content and fantastic people. Can we all blog hug?

Underrated Sarcastic Statement:

The one right above this one. I mean, fuck you and your blogs. Seriously.

Except you, Tell Him Fred, you guys are pretty bad ass.

Underrated Part About the Above Statement Written About the Statement Above It:

The patented “Buddy, come on” IM I’m going to get from Magglio in about fifteen minutes. The kind of IM where you can actually hear his labia rubbing against his vaginal wall making a soft whining sound like a wet violin.

And with that, Underrated Week at A&M comes to a close. Magglio, you may now return to the Giants and The Hills and I'll go back to making nonsensical offensive statements just for the hell of it. You know what I'll remember most about our first foray into theme week? The laughter. The sound of all the children guffawing in unison like the soft chirp of a dog from the future running and his metal balls sparking together. Ahhhh...that's nice.

Until next time.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Underrated Day 4 – NCAA Tournament

First of all, a special fuck you to Jericho once again for his stupid ‘let’s do a theme week’ idea. Talk about a pain in the ass. It’s the first day of the NCAA tournament, let’s talk about who has the hottest cheerleaders (so far I’m thinking Arizona), let’s remember Pittsnogle, let’s talk about where we were when Webber called that fateful timeout (at Dave’s house, making fun of our friend Mike who LOVED that Michigan squad). But no, it’s ‘theme’ week so let’s try to squeeze a great post idea into something that can be called ‘underrated.’ It’s about as comfortable as the 1992 towel boy for UNLV was after close games. Not cool Jericho, not cool at all.

So, racking my brain, I came up with the following thought. There was a time in our lives when we could sit in front of a TV for the first two rounds of the tournament (Thursday and Friday) and do nothing but watch college basketball. And everything in this world was perfect. In high school we would all go over to the kid’s house whose parents weren’t home. We’d probably order a pizza. Find the dad’s stack of porn. Get hopped up on orange soda and watch basketball until our eyes were about to pop out. In college, we didn’t have to do any sneaking around. The pizza and porn was still there, the orange soda turned to Keystone Ice and our eyes were popping out from things besides staring at the TV. But we were free to watch those games however and whenever we chose to. This my friends was an underrated time in our lives. (see the connection? Sorta? Just go with it.)

Today, we hide in conference rooms with select co-workers and gather around a 10” monitor hoping our connection doesn’t cut out at a critical point during the game. We watch without the sound because we don’t want the dumb chicks around us to realize we’re not staring at our computer and working…we’re watching games for fuck’s sake. When it’s a big moment we have to celebrate in complete silence. We plan meetings around games. We make a joke on a conference call about wishing we were seeing the 6 and 11 matchup…1/4 of the people on the call can relate. We exchange updates with other dudes in the hallway who also 'get-it'. We go to longer lunches, eat shitty food and for a few brief moments feel like we were 18 again, watching the games from the comfort of our own couch. But then the bar starts to empty out a bit, it’s 1:30pm, people are returning to their cubicles and we’re left with nothing but a bill to pay for shitty buffalo wings and longing for simpler times.

Am I being a bit melodramatic? Perhaps. But what I wouldn’t give to be back at my friend’s house right now watching Adam Jacobson and Mark Boelter and Walsh Jordan and Dell Demps and Corey Anders (fuck he was so good) and hell, even little Scooter Thompson. Those days were underrated. No doubt about it.

Underrated Part About Getting Tickets to See The Raconteurs at Bimbo's

You know what's underrated about getting tickets to see The Raconteurs at Bimbo's?

Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. This is so properly rated I just busted in my pants.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Underrated from the neck down

God bless confused 18-year-old high school chicks just trying to make it in Hollywood. Ladies and gentlemen we present to you Audrina from MTV's The Hills. (scroll to the bottom and click on the thumbnails for the full sized, totally sweet pics.)

Side note: Jericho is pissed that there are strategically placed 'NSFW' stars up there. Who am I kidding? I'm pissed too. What are we 12? To commemorate the moment, we've created another can find it here.

Underrated Day 3: Music

Underrated Band: Blind Melon

Ready for bold statement #1? Blind Melon’s self-titled album is one of the best rock records of the last 25 years. Falsely labeled a “grunge pop” group after “No Rain,” millions of people bought the album hoping for 13 No Rains and were turned off by Blind Melon’s bluesy take on alternative rock. Listen to the record again and you’ll hear a little Alice in Chains, a little David Bowie, even a little White Stripes in the playful vocals about serious topics. Take No Rain off the playlist and then turn this up real, real loud, a total bad fucking ass record.

Underrated Shredder: Mike McCready, Pearl Jam

This won’t be news to die hard PJ fans, we’ve been getting our heads blown off by McCready for years, but for casual fans, PJ starts and stops with Eddie V. This isn’t a bad thing, mind you, after all, Eddie is a legend, but the incredible, mind—altering guitar playing of McCready is often overlooked. Let me guess, you’re favorite PJ song is Yellow Ledbetter right? That’s what I thought, now watch this and tell me that McCready just didn’t get you pregnant?

Underrated Drummer: Meg White, The White Stripes

She gets a ton of shit for being the weak link in the greatest band of our generation…The White Stripes. We're not going to disagree with that statement. Jack White is in fact a God amongst us mere mortals. What is over looked however is what a solid drummer Meg has turned out to be. Sure, she's not creating a new way of music like Carter Beauford or moving faster than the speed of light like Tyler Barker, but she hits that drum harder than anyone I've ever seen before. The White Stripes and everything that comes with them; the energy, the sexual tension, the guttural innovation…it's nothing without Meg White. And the whole time she's playing she's trying to balance those massive jugs. Hats off to you, Meg White.

Underrated Rock Concert Video Trick: The set up shot

When they film the entire set up, the crew putting everything together, the crowd starting to filter in, etc, and then play the whole thing in fast forward, don’t you love that? Me too.

Underrated Rock Star Moves: Freddie Mercury, Queen

I honestly could write a whole post about how underrated and ahead of their time Queen was, but I’ll keep it focused on Freddie and his unreal Rock Star Moves. Leg kicks, eyes closed fist pumps, theatrical costumes, asking the crowd to sing with him you name a move and Freddie had it in his arsenal. Watch this video for proof - I mean, he’s like a gay Puma prancing around the stage. And yes, you’re seeing that correctly, that is a cape. Who got more ass (literally) than Freddie Mercury?

Underrated Songwriter: Bruce Springsteen

Okay, okay, The Boss probably doesn’t belong on any underrated list; he’s a living legend and very properly rated in pretty much every category. However, I think the Boss is known more for his band, his live shows and his general swagger and Americana and doesn’t get enough credit for being one of the most brilliant songwriters of all time, belonging in the same category as Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Paul and John and all the rest of the geniuses. The power, creativity and intelligence behind his songs get lost b/c his lyrics are so subtle and simple. Listen to the Rising, a cry for help after 9/11, Nebraska, a testament to family and being brothers, even his latest album Magic, were he discreetly tells W to go fuck himself for a solid hour. He's properly rated everywhere else except here.

Underrated Party Music: Nada Surf

Beats are good enough to serve as background music, lyrics are mellow enough to tune out, songs are good enough to turn up real loud and get real drunk.

Underrated Sex Music: Air

Kinda weird, but soothing and ethereal, maybe it’s just me, but I think sex music needs to be very basic, music that can fit any type of mood. You don’t want to let the music dictate your dick, you can’t rail to Jack Johnson and you can’t get smooth to Radiohead, you need something that could go either way, and I’ve found Air works perfectly.

Underrated Band to Make Fun of Someone for Liking: Counting Crows

Is it just me or does Adam Duritz get gayer by the nanosecond? He’s like the set up shot, fast forward thing I mentioned above except there’s no fast forward. His gayness actually increases at that rate.

Underrated Question to Ask Someone Right When You Meet Them: What was the first concert you ever went to?

This usually sets the standard for the rest of their life. My first concert? Boyz 2 Men, I think that sums it up pretty nicely, doesn’t it?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Underrated Week - Day 2

Let me first say to my friend and blogmate Jericho…what the hell were you thinking? This is one of the biggest weeks of the year. With St. Patty’s Day and the NCAA Tournament and Easter and the season finale of Road Rules/Real World Gauntlet 3 (p.s. I hope Frank gets squashed by a gigantic tampon, somehow.) Why in the world would we agree to do a ‘theme’ week where we cover all things underrated? I’m exploding with things I want to talk about. Why narrow what we can do? Why cage the beast? It’s like asking Britney Spears to only dress like a hooker but other than that act completely normal. Don’t we appreciate Britney for the complete crazy package that she is?

So after countless IM conversations, a heated phone call and Jericho finally breaking down and crying like a girl over beers last night I agreed to his stupid theme week. So without further ado, here are things that are underrated. (You happy now? Cry baby.)

Most underrated sex move: The handjob.
Not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Just don’t purely focus on the handjob. Work it into the overall mix. Like squeeze a boob, casual handjob, throw in a slap and a tickle then repeat. See? A good tug can go a long ways. Try putting that message on a t-shirt.

Most underrated MLB team this season: Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
Or now just the Rays. Or the T-Bay D-Rays. I forgot what they’re calling them but they’ve got a solid ball club on their team. They got some kid named Evan Longoria (twin brother to Eva) who scouts are saying could easily drop 40 and 130 this season. Their biggest problem? They play in the AL East. How much would you love to see the D-Rays beat the Yankees and the Red Sox to win the AL East someday? I know I would.

Most underrated FREE porn site:
Check it out. Seriously.

Most underrated Real World/Road Rules contestant, all-time: Derrick.
He’s 5-foot nothing. A hundred and nothing. Sean Austin has nothing on this guy. Why isn’t he a part of the Gauntlet 3? Maybe he’ll make a surprise return on Wednesday night to help the rookie team take home the final challenge. And then he’ll kick CT in the shin and ride off with Diem into the sunset. Until he realizes she’s the ugliest chick on the show these days. Then he returns, smacks Frank in the face with a giant tampon, makes out with Jillian just to crush Frank, then chooses the slimmed down and surprisingly hot Robin. Then they ride off into the sunset together. The End. One can dream right?

Most underrated rant of the day: See below.

You wanna know what's stupid? Party beads. Remember when they were just for Mardi Gras and you only saw them if you were in the Big Easy or watching Girls Gone Wild: Mardis Gras? Now they’re everywhere. I saw some chick last night with 4 or 5 bead strands around her neck carrying a 6-pack of cider and the latest US Weekly. She was wearing, of course, green and white beads. Now what did this bitch do to ‘earn’ those? I’m guessing nothing beyond paying 99 cents at the corner store. You know what? Party beads are the new Hawaiian shirts.

Most underrated NCAA office tournament in the nation: This one.

Stay tuned. Apples & Moustaches is going global.

Most underrated stretch: Bending down and touch your toes.
I do this at least 5 times a day. It feels good. Sometimes I bend my knees slightly for more of a lower back focus. Sometimes I lock the knees so the hamstrings get the love. I like to stay loose and make sure I’m ready to run a 40-yard dash at anytime. Who knows when it will count for real? Am I wrong?

Most underrated article of clothing: Sweatpants.
It’s like a giant pillow for your frontal region.

Most underrated food: Peanut butter.
Look, say what you will. Peanut butter does not get its fair shake. Sure it was immortalized with Resse’s and those little snot nosed Girl Scouts developed the perfect cookie companion…Tagalongs. But when does peanut butter just stand on its on two feet as a solid food choice? I skip the aforementioned treats and go straight to the source. I’m talking a big spoonful. Straight to the dome. You want to talk crazy? Let’s talk crazy.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Battle of the Blogs

(Deep breath. You’ve done this plenty of times before. Just go with your gut. Never follow your heart. A 12 seed always beats a 5 seed, Gonzaga always chokes and 15th seed American is a real college not an online accredited school. I think.)

This is huge. Every March we plunk down all of our lunch money on office pools trying to get bragging rights as the most knowledgable/luckiest in the NCAA basketball tournament. Truth be told, after roughly 16 years of competing we’ve won a grand total of 3 tournaments. And in one pool the prize was satisfaction. (Yeah…BORING) Anyways, this year is different. We’ve been invited to join a handful of other reputable blogs in a battle royale. A royal rumble of sports authorities online. An opportunity to be crowned the ‘Champion of Blogs.’ Don’t think we’re not bringing our dancing shoes and frat shirts to this party.

Here’s the deal. We’re competing against 5 other blogs:

The Play in CA
A west coast centric blog focused specifically on sports. Not only do they have good insight into Bay Area sports teams but they also seem to have a man crush on Patrick Willis as well. But did they create this shirt on Zazzle? I think not. We did. Moving on.

The Sports Lounge
Don’t be fooled. This site is neither a lounge nor does it have lounge type furniture for lounging. It’s just a website. That covers sports. In depth. But also it’s written by a college student about to take finals. Perfect. Remember Sports Lounge your school work takes precedent over silly grown-up games. Now back to the library!

Bears Necessity
A local blog covering everything Cal sports. Little do they know of our childhood spent watching Russell White run amok against Pac-10 defenses. Plus, University of Washington (Go Dawgs) destroyed the Bears this past season in Berkeley. And Cal's biggest fan is Adam Duritz….sweet. What is it 1992?

Battle of California
A hockey blog. No seriously, hockey. Sweet. Moving on.

Gossip Sports
Written by a chick, this blog covers sports and gossip. Damn it. I wonder if she likes The Hills as much as I do. Probably not because of Heidi Montag’s luscious ta-dang-a-dangs, but still a fan none the less. And she’s from Boston. Perfect. And she’s a chick so she’ll probably get confused and pick teams like the Patriots and the Celtics. Sucker.

What’s at stake? Winner gets to post on each of the other sites for one day. Perfect. We can’t wait to drop Apples & Moustaches all over the blogosphere. Like a fiber fueled bunny after a Thanksgiving feast.

Regulators….Mount up!

A&M's Underrated Week

We’re trying something new at A&M this week; we’re going thematic on that ass. Rather than write the same column over and over and give it a new name (like when we play Word Association, do the percentage chance thing or try the “Guy’s perspective on…” stuff, which, let’s face it, are entirely the same thing) we’re gonna switch it up a bit and write under one unmbrella ella ella for the whole week. So, welcome to A&M’s underrated week. We’re looking at movies, music, white wide receivers, nicknames for boobs, Jack Nicholson facial expressions and a bunch of other shit that has gone unnoticed or unheralded for far too long. Enjoy! (All 8 of you)


Underrated Comedy: Defending Your Life

Albert Brooks isn’t as smart as Woody Allen and he’s not as funny as Mel Brooks, but unlike those other writer/director/actors he’s a good actor, is a believable romantic lead and is generally likeable. This is a great movie from start to finish, a great premise, good chemistry between Meryl and Albert, and really, really, really funny.

Underrated Drama: Donnie Brasco

The movie made a small blip at the box office and was completely ignored during award season, but is one of the better gangster movies of all time and features two incredible performances by Johnny Depp and Al Pacino. Tight, lurid and entertaining throughout, not only does this pass the “great movie” test, but it also passes the “great DVD test,” which is any movie you can watch over and over and never get sick of. We all know Pacino can do quiet rage (The Godfather) and over the top rage (every movie from Scarface on) better than anyone, but in this movie it’s something totally different. He’s defeated, he’s worthless and he knows it, really fascinating to watch.

Underrated Dramedy or ComaDrama or Funny and Runny, whatever we’re calling it these days: Keeping The Faith

Weird but pleasant little movie with Edward Norton, Ben Stiller and Jenna Elfman about a love triangle between two life-long friends and the hot girl they knew as kids who moves back into town, With the added wrinkle that Ben Stiller is a rabbi and Edward Norton is a priest. Sounds stupid, right? Well, it kinda is, but the performances are awesome, the script is light and funny and the characters are believable and likeable. Any true Edward Norton fans should see this movie just to see a completely new side of his range and ability. After seeing this again recently I must have asked myself 15 times during the movie, “where the fuck is Edward Norton?” Why has it been so long since he was in a great movie? Don’t you ask yourself the same thing about Kevin Spacey once a month too? Is Edward Norton the perfect example of the Kevin Spacey corollary or vice versa?

Underrated Actor: Delroy Lindo

The un-challenged president of the “that guy hall of fame” for black guys, Lindo is a complicated, cool actor that always steals the scene and is criminally underused. His IMBD page is a combination of electric performances in movies like Malcolm X, Get Shorty and The Cider House Rules and thankless, “cool black guy” roles in Gone in 60 Seconds and Domino. How is Laurence Fishbourne a household name and this guy a that guy?

Underrated Actress: Samantha Morton

I tried to pick someone who’s never been nominated for an Oscar, but since her nominations came from movies no one has seen, including the criminally underrated The Sweet and Lowdown, I’m giving this a pass. She’s the real deal, her face is a completely blank slate, so much so that’s she’s basically unrecognizable from role to role. She seems to be one of the actresses that could blow up at any minute, but is careful with her career to make sure it doesn’t happen. Rent the Sweet and Lowdown one night (especially if you like Sean Penn, who gives one of his best performances) and watch this gal work, unbelievable.

Underrated Male Performance: Ralph Fiennes, The Constant Gardner

Rachel Weisz deservedly won an Oscar for this movie, but the more I watch this move the more Fiennes’ performance stays with me. Oscars usually go to the screamers while the quiet, introverted roles are routinely overlooked, which perfectly sums up the reception to this movie’s performances. Fiennes, known for Schindler’s List and the English Patient, is at his absolute best in this movie. Watching his face as he slowly pieces everything together, culminating with the amazing last shot on the beach, is an incredible journey and transformation. He’s one of the best we have and this is his best performance.

Underrated Female Performance: Ellen Burstyn, Requiem For a Dream

This is the week of bold calls, so here’s another one, In Requiem For a Dream Ellen Burstyn gave one of the top five best performances of all time, man or woman, comedy or drama, the conversation stops and ends with her in this movie. Haunting, physical, sympathetic, monstrous, pathetic, touching; name an adjective that you normally use when discussing a great performance and it fits here. Of course she didn’t win the Oscar, it went to, are you ready for this? Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich, a performance that will no doubt highlight A&M’s overrated list whenever that comes out. I don’t recommend watching this movie more than once, it’s that fucked up, but if you care about film and admire great acting, grab your teddy bear and plug this in.

Underrated sex scene: Kate Winslet and Patrick Wilson, Little Children

The movie never really takes off, but the sex scene in the laundry room is a 12 out of 10. You’ve really got to hand it to Kate Winslet, one of the best actresses of her generation, British, a mom, and all that jazz, but she’s totally willing to let the dogs out if need be. She’s been in my top five for years, rent this movie and she’ll be in yours too.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Imagine me and you, and you and me

Ok. I don’t want to sound like a complete pussy but having this blog has provided us with the opportunity to “meet” people in this world that we would have never met otherwise. Like the dudes at TellHimFred or the perverts at YourImmoralCompass, for instance. I like reading these guys posts and seeing what they’re up to on their side of the earth. So, I’ve been on a 3-day hunt to try and find some more cool blogs out there. Blogs that are relatively small, have good writing, are funny, engaging and post about similar topics we do. Blog friends, if you will. Well let me tell you something. 99.9% of blogs out there blow. I’m telling you they are fucking garbage. Try it; click the ‘next blog’ button at the top of this page. It randomly serves up another blog from the blogger platform. Let me save you the trouble, here is what you’ll find:

a) a blog about something completely stupid, like girl things or decoration or baby animals or photos of somebody’s back yard.

b) a blog that does nothing but talk about themselves. What they ate for breakfast, how many bad dates they’ve been on, how when they see butterflies it makes them think of Jesus, that sort of thing

c) a blog about a family. Usually written by a mom it has endless pictures of kids getting themselves into trouble and there are ZERO swear words. How the fuck am I supposed to read that?

d) a blog in another language…BORING

e) a blog read by tens of thousands of people that is so far removed from their readers and the comment section gets hundreds of brain dead responses its like people want to just suck off the author as much as possible. (Not like our blog , and our incredibly intelligent self assured readers, mind you.)

So help me out here. Suggest a blog you enjoy. Here are the requirements, it has to:

1) Be funny

2) Be self-deprecating i.e. don’t take themselves too seriously

3) Be Small-ish

4) Use some fucking swear words

5) Slightly perverted

6) Really excited to learn more about Apples & Moustaches

Let’s make more blog friends, together.

The grass is always greener...

This morning I was eating my breakfast when I noticed Patch, my one eyed dog, was staring at me intently. He wanted a bite so bad it was obvious. So I laughed at him and said “Patch, you see I’m a human, I can eat whenever I want to. That’s just the way it goes.” He looked me dead in the eyes and then proceeded to lick his own balls. Touche Patch, touché.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Word association....

a game we like to play, by Magglio and Jericho

Jenna Bush is getting married on May 10th
I sent this link to my father-in-law and said "…reminds me a bit of me and you. Except you're not a fascist asshole and your daughter is way cooler."

Greg Oden practicing with the Blazers
This is going to get interesting. The Blazers are playing out of their heads right now without the 7-foot Neanderthal. What’s it going to be like when he returns? I’m thinking something like when Emily Valentine returned to 90210. Not her initial stay there, but when she came back and went psycho. Don’t be surprised if Oden comes back with a totally dikey bleach blonde haircut and tries to light Brandon Roy’s house on fire. This is gonna be totally sweet.

Billy Crystal Playing for the Yankees:
Living the dream. Like when Garth Brooks got to play with the Padres in spring camp a few years back. This is what I want to do when I grow up and am worth millions. That or buy a whole bunch of lottery ticket scratchers and triple my money. Easy money, I tell ya, easy money.

Being famous in America:
God bless America. There are essentially 3 ways to get famous in this here country of ours. 1) Sleep with a high profiled politician then parlay the media exposure into a Playboy spread, a spin on the late night talk show circuit and then ultimately wind up face-to-face with Dr. Phil. 2) Live in LA, dress fabulously, have an attitude/opinion about everything, start a blog (sweet!) do a ton of blow, get photographed with other people just like you, go to rehab, announce yourself cured, do an exclusive interview with US Weekly, adopt a dog, adopt a child, join the Kabbalah/Scientology/Green movement, sleep with Paris Hilton, overdose and repeat. 3) Go on American Idol.

People who leave anonymous comments on our blog:
You can run and you can hide but there's only 7 people reading so we'll find you eventually.

Easter is coming up
For lent this year I gave up giving up stuff. It's been a pretty wild month but oddly exactly like every other month. Hmmm...

Renee Zelwegger is the most overrated actress on the planet. I can't believe that she won an Oscar for Cold Mountain one of the defining, “what the fuck were they thinking” moments along with Eddie Murphy deciding to sing or Meat Loaf trying to act. And, other than John Stamos' alien belly button, Renee's “I just sucked on a lemon” pucker is my least favorite celebrity characteristic.

On another note, I'm not expecting much from this movie for one simple reason; it’s a throwback to the screwball comedies of the 40’s and 50’s. Now, I love old movies as much as the next guy, but if there’s one thing I’d say about that period of film it's that the thrillers still hold up but the comedies definitely don't. They’re just not funny anymore. I get why Clooney wanted to make this, “I really am Cary Grant! Look!” But I bet this movie falls flat, very flat.

Veggie Burgers:
Let me tell you something, this is an underserved market. Every single option you have for a veggie burger whether it’s in a nicer restaurant, a burger joint or a frozen. You may not eat veggie burgers but think of how insulting this is. Could you imagine if your only options for real hamburgers were frozen patties? Where are the fresh made veggie burger patties? I’m speaking some sense here. I’m this close to quitting my job and dedicating my life to making fresh veggie burgers, mass marketing them and spreading the good word of meatless burgers to the world. I’m telling you friends, this is lightening in a bottle.

The new Governor of NY is blind
I don't have a problem with this except for the fact that it completely negates the chance of another "amazingly hot" hooker scandals. Unless of course the Emperor's Club figures out how to put Braille on their site.

Jennifer Aniston was filming scenes in Seattle’s Pike Place Market yesterday
I wonder if they filmed a forced, incredibly awkward segment where she tries to catch a fish or do they just do that for the halftime shows of sports events?

The Houston Rockets have won 20 games in a row:
Zero. As in the number of playoff series that Tracy McGrady has won. That's the only number that matters right now. Not how tall Yao is, not how much Shane Battier spends getting his vagina hair waxed into a cool looking mustache like Billy Dee Williams in Empire Strikes Back, not the overall record of Rick Adelman. 0. Zero fucking playoff series. They're hot, but I don't see anything that makes me believe Tracy's streak will end.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Spitzer's Hooker

Here is what $4,700 will get you these days...thoughts?

*thanks Uncle Icee/MoHud

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Apples and Moustaches

by Magglio and Jericho

Trent Green just signed a 3-year deal with the Rams. Um, wait a minute. Am I missing something? Isn't this the Trent Green who got knocked out of the NFL last season because of too many concussions? The same Trent Green who needs his a bib to eat because of too many pile drives from D-Lineman? Why would anyone pay this guy one more cent? Jonathan Papelbon makes only $900,000 a year and the Rams give Trent Green $9M including a $2.1M signing bonus? Somebody explain something to me. Please.

I think we need a little more information before we crucify Eliot Spitzer over his rendezvous with a prostitute. First of all, how hot is she? How much did she charge and how did he tip? Was she a dancer that needed money or a crazy nympho that just needs the action? Did they do any kind or role-play? Was is it just straightforward sex or did it get nasty? Did she ever say anything crazy like “I bet your wife can’t take it up her ass, can she?” I want to know this shit before I hang this guy in the town square. (What does this have to do with his innocence? Nothing. But it’s not often you can read about porn and pretend to be working at the same time. So let’s go, describe how she liked to be elbowed.)

The Giants have the worst exhibition record in the MLB to date. Barry Zito got shelled again yesterday. Tim Lincecum has a pulled groin. Omar Vizquel is out another 4 weeks. Noah Lowery just had surgery and somewhere Marvin Benard is having his over active hemorrhoids massaged by a one-eyed tranny. Kinda makes you miss the days of BALCO and HGH being the biggest problem in Giants camp doesn’t it?

A new study shows that one in four teenage girls in the US has a sexually transmitted disease. That’s 25%! So if there are 1,000 girls at a high school then 250 of them have an STD. Man, remember how innocent teen sex used to be? You watch movies like Sixteen Candles or Say Anything and everyone is horny but confused and endearingly awkward. Now it’s like one enormous leper colony. I think we’re six months away from a 15 yr old boy shyly pulling his dick out and then bursting into flames. Doesn’t it seem like every generation gets a little more fucked up? Our grandkids will probably get STDs from fantasizing. “Were you thinking about pussy last night?! Damn it, don’t you know how dangerous that is!”

Two Vermont towns are voting to have Bush and Cheney arrested on charges of war crimes. Ben & Jerry’s, Phish and now this. Damn it I love Vermont.

I’m sorry Clay Aiken but Patrick Dempsey has officially taken your title of biggest pussy in America based on the trailer for “Made of Honor.” You really have to watch this to believe it. It starts out like your basic cookie cutter fucking retarded romantic comedy but then at the 1:30 mark, something absolutely unworldly happens. I don’t know the right word for this, but let me put it this way: forget everything you know about pussy movies and the pussy men who star in them. This has absolutely redefined what is possible. Actually, what am I talking about? Don’t watch it, whatever you do, don’t watch it. Can we have some kind of man intervention with Patrick Dempsey? You know, the kind where we beat him with baseball bats?

The nationwide Tyler Hansborough handjob continues its assault on America. And if you think this is bad just wait till tourney time. We’re going to be watching the selection show Sunday and before each team is announced Billy Packard will compliment Hansborourgh. “Now let’s move to the West bracket. The number one seed out West goes to a team whose testicles are half the size of Tyler Hansborough’s. That team is UCLA.”

How incredible is Day Light’s Savings? It’s only March and already it’s staying light out until 7:30. It makes you realize how dreary and depressing winter is. Spring forward is like jerking off with the other hand, getting a brand new pair of running shoes, putting on a doctor’s outfit and then giving a junior high baseball team their physicals or having a girl tell you, “man, you fuck like an elephant” – the whole world just feels fresh and new again.

Stay with me on this one…Benji Madden, the fat twin brother from Good Charlotte is dating Paris Hilton. Not to be confused with his brother Joel who is dating and knocked up Nicole Richie. This has to be the ultimate ‘anything you can do I can do better’ move on Paris’ part. I mean, she doesn’t actually like this fat fuck does she? Or is this just some gigantic marketing ploy on Fox’s part for next season’s follow up to the Simple Life series entitled “The Simple Life: Fucking Fat Twins”

Monday, March 10, 2008

Yes...It's Monday!

Ah Monday. Nobody ever likes Mondays. When I was 7 I had a poster in my room of a basset hound with a thought bubble reading “I hate Mondays.” Now that I look back that seems a bit counter productive to a 7-year-old’s psyche. I mean, I was conditioned at a young age to live for the weekends and despise the hamster wheel that is the work week. So, to try and lighten the 5 day doom that lies ahead of us, here is a list of things to look forward to this week:

Monday, March 10:

Heidi Montag is on the Regis and Kathy Lee show
…or whatever they call it these days. Let me clarify my fascination/obsession with Heidi Montag. She sucks. I don’t want to hear her talk anymore unless it’s within the 30 magical minutes on MTV that are The Hills. I don’t want to see her face on the cover of any magazines unless they also show her ample knuck knucks. I like The Hills. I will admit that much. I like it because it disgusts me and fascinates me all at the same time. Like most shows on MTV. I like looking at Heidi in a bikini because she’s fake and hot. But it ends there. You couldn’t pay me to watch another second of Heidi singing or Heidi and Spencer talking about their feelings for each other. Thank you. I feel much better getting that off my chest.

WCC Championship: Gonzaga vs. San Diego (ESPN, 9 p.m.)
San Diego has a chance to sneak in to the tourney and Gonzaga has a chance to get their skinny, knobby kneed, all-white team in the tourney who will inevitable lose before reaching the Sweet 16. I can’t wait!

Tuesday, March 11:

Raven Symone (yes, that Raven Symone!) is on the Ellen show
Holy shit. Set your Tivo’s now. She’s gonna do something so craaaazy. I’m sure of it. Hollaback girl.

Biggest Loser:
Another fat person is going home. Ah freedom. Free to roam the buffet tables at their leisure and escape the torturous 3 hour work outs that for some reason always end in tears and man hugging. On a side note this is the closest you can get on NBC to seeing real tits. Sure, the tits are on a guy named Jay, but they’re full blown tits. He’s at least a C cup.

Horizon League Championship: Cleveland State vs. Butler (ESPN, 9 p.m.)
Resident ass clown KK tells us that “one of these teams are going to make some noise in the dance.” I believe him. He won our NCAA pool last year. And he says he used to be able to dunk when he was in high school. That’s enough of a tip for me. I’m picking Cleveland to be this year’s Witchita State.

Wednesday, March 12:

Oregon State vs. Washington State – Round 1 of the Pac-10 tourney. Why did we highlight this game specifically? Because not only does OSU have the opportunity to go through the entire Pac-10 without a victory (0-18!) but the Washington State Cougars is lined up to do what they do best, ‘Coug it’. For those of you not familiar with ‘Couging it’ it’s what happens when you have the perfect opportunity and you just fuck it up because that’s who you are. Like George W, Doc Rivers or Chris Webber. Ouch.

Road Rules/Real World, Gauntlet 3
The madness continues! Actually, no it doesn’t. This season blows. The veterans are far and away better, stronger and faster than the rookies. Now Casey has gone home, which sucks, because she was the hottest on the show. So now we’re left to wait for the camera to catch glimpses of sweaty Robin or fantasize about the lesbian Evelyn. Who is totally sexy, don’t get me wrong. In the same lesbian way the trainer on Biggest Loser is hot. Like, I know she could hurt me, but a good hurt. Like the feeling in my stomach after eating an Awesome Blossom at Chili’s.

Thursday, March 13:

Spring week for college football
Practice kicks off this week for schools across the country. For Washington, it means finding who’s going to step up and support Jake Locker, the best college football player in the nation. For Cal, it’s a chance for everyone to second guess everything Coach Tedford says because he is clearly steering this shit show straight into the ground. Enjoy life in the Pac-10 cellar Cal. You should remember it well. Think back to the late 80s and all of the 90s.

Radiohead and NIN expected to head up Lollapalooza
What does this have to do with Thursday? Nothing. But I just found this and thought it looks pretty cool. Any chance they’re gonna play at the Greek Theatre again?

Friday, March 14:

It’s National Sploshing Day.
Go on and celebrate with your favorite sex partner and your favorite food. Some fun combinations to consider: the chick in accounting and a custard pie. The sexy veterinarian with 80s hair and a Mighty Man TV dinner. Or, if you’re really daring, your overweight bus driver and a bag of airplane peanuts.

Friday, March 7, 2008

It's Friday, where the 40 at?

We’ve received more than a few emails from people saying ‘hey, I can’t be looking at your site at work’ or ‘whoa, I can’t have that pic up when my girl walks by.’ Well fair warning. Sometimes we post pictures that aren’t necessarily wholesome. Sometimes we say the “f-word”. And if Jericho’s posting, sometimes it’s far worse than that. (He’s a sinner, FYI.)

We’ve also heard from a few concerned readers about our state of mind and if a line such as ‘I feel like head butting everyone at work today’ means we are unhappy. Or, posts such as Wednesday’s therapeutic ‘fuck you’ post means we are angry at the world. Well, I’m here to set the record straight. We are not angry people. We like puppy dogs and ice cream. We enjoy Charlotte’s Web (both the movie and the novel), we enjoy a rousing round of Balderdash with friends and we enjoy any romantic comedy with Brianna Banks. (Please note we don’t enjoy these activities together because that would be gay. And, we’re not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

So thank you for your concerns. We appreciate our readers being worried about us. But please take it all with a grain of salt.

And, as always, we’re here for you:

Special thanks to KK, our resident historian, fact checker and pervert, for today's amazing photos. Well done KK, well done.


Thursday, March 6, 2008

Apples and Moustaches - Thursday

The word gorgonzola could be an onomatopoeia for puking. “Dude, that didn’t sit right. I think I’m about to gorgonzola.”

Aaron Rodgers will go in the 8th round in upcoming Fantasy Drafts. As much as I like Rodgers and want to see him succeed, I doubt he’ll keep his starting job for the entire season. (why do I have this sick feeling that statement will come back to bite me someday?)

You know what? Fuck Mixt Greens, the overprice, overhyped, salad spot near my office. It’s a fucking crap shoot with what you’ll get. You wait in line for 15 minutes hoping and praying you get one of the ‘good’ salad mixers (or salad tossers). If you do, your $12 salad will be plentiful. If you don’t, you’ve just spent a fist full of cash on a few green leafs, caramelized onions and goat cheese. Stingy bitches.

I never wanted to have a blog where all I do is bitch, so for the rest of this post I’m only going to have positive statements and/or observations.

I’m glad Christian won the Project Runway finale last night. That little dude is talented. If I was a 6-foot, 90 pound chick I would totally wear his stuff. But I’m not. So I’ll stick with L.L. Bean and Stussy.

You know who has one of the weakest jobs in America? The athletic director of a high school, that’s who. I went to a high school playoff game this past weekend and the athletic director had to stand next to the rabid student section the whole time with his arms crossed looking disappointed in his students at all times. Like a dooshbag. Just standing there. Shaking his head. Hey! Lighten up asshole. Let the kids have some fun. Could you imagine having to be that guy? The kids all make fun of you, you can’t sit in the stands and enjoy the game and at home your family knows they could all kick your ass.I don’t actually know if that last part is true but the image of a bunch of 7 and 8-year olds pummeling their wussy dad is kinda funny. “Who’s your daddy now bitch? “

The new chick at work totally just sabotaged me. We all share a bathroom here at work. That’s 12 of us and one lone shitter. So she just exited and I asked the now socially acceptable question of ‘all good in there?’ She replied ‘yes’. Let me just say, it absolutely was NOT all good in there. She either a) has a faulty memory and forgot that she just unloaded b) has a sick fetish about that sort of thing and wanted me to smell what she’s working with c) truly believed her shit don’t stink or d)…I don’t know. What's going on? I thought girls don't poop.

Side note: The fat guy from finance just went in there. Stay clear for the next 35-45 minutes.

Having a dog means talking to complete strangers on the street. My dishwasher is quite possibly the loudest dishwasher in the universe. I heard Baron Davis and Steven Jackson were partying at The Matrix in the Marina following their win over Portland a few nights back. The taco truck near my office has posted a health inspector rating of 100…is that possible? I sent our blog link to Bruce Jenkins a columnist at the Chronicle yesterday…4% chance he reads it. I had a turkey sandwich on Saturday, my first piece of meat in 2008. Olives and sun dried tomatoes can ruin a perfectly good meal. For the third consecutive year I’ll be out of town when Dave Matthews comes to perform. Everyone says the Sharks may win the Stanley Cup this year and I could care less. Jericho is devastated about the news of Dungeons & Dragons founder Gary Gygaz passing away. He’s taking the day off of work today to gather his thoughts. Our thoughts are with Jericho and the entire Gygaz family.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Fuck You!

- by Magglio and Jericho

*Fuck you, Mariah Carey, for tricking me into falling in love with you in sixth grade and then becoming the biggest whore on earth. I thought we had something special. Now you’re so played out Jermaine Dupri won’t even fuck you anymore and he’s three feet tall and looks like Omar Epps’ retarded younger brother. Do you remember “Someday”? Well, I wish I didn’t. Fuck you.

*Fuck you baseball. Forget the fact that you’re a soulless, corrupt sport. You are so fucking booooooring. You involve no strategy, take too fucking long and are about as interesting as watching slugs fuck. I hate you sooooo much.

*Fuck you Jeircho for hating baseball. It’s the great American pastime, what now you don’t like America? Who are you Bill O’Reilly? There is nothing better than having the game on the radio or on TV in the background, it’s comforting with it’s ‘no-clock’ zen-like perfection. Fuck you Jericho. I never liked you anyways.

*Fuck you guy in the stall next to me who had explosive diarrhea this morning. It doesn’t matter how good the article is; a Kiper Mock draft, a Simmons Mail Bag, a Summer Movie preview; a 6,000 word LinceCain blowjob by Magglio; nothing and I mean nothing can overcome the guy in the stall next to you sloppily dropping one of his intestines into the bowl. That’ll ruin a great trip to the john 10 times out of 10. Fuck you guy.

*Fuck you, Dierks Bentley. I’m being forced to write about you today and just found this picture. Sweet mop, dude! You look like Uncle Joey from Full House’s gay brother.

*Fuck you neighbor who just moved in above me from somewhere in Canada. Welcome to the big city. People make noise. I don’t give a shit if you’re studying for some test you squatty, dumpy, ass-clown. Go to a fucking library. This is my home. And if I want to watch TV I’m going to. Fool.

*Fuck you ‘kissing suzy kolber’. You guys really aren’t that funny. And sweet, you have 10 writers so you can post 4 times a day. I hope you spill Diet Mountain Dew on your keyboards. All of them!

*Fuck you Miss L for falling off the blog train. You’ve got one more chance before we officially revoke our sponsorship.

*Fuck you Patch, my one-eyed dog for tearing apart our house and costing us thousands in medical bills…what am I saying? I can’t hate you. You’re my little cupcake. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

*Fuck you, anyone named Tito. What a stupid name. It sounds like a new Doritos flavor. “New Titos Doritos”. I bet they even come in an untraditional shape like square or round. Nobody wants anything but triangle Titos Doritos ! Do I make myself clear?

*Fuck you Brett Favre for not 100% closing the door and leaving the possibility open that you may still play. As we said earlier. JUST DIE ALREADY!

*Fuck you LOL, TBC, IMHO, IAWTC, DOS, POV, WTF, J, BRB and ;).

*Fuck you Colfax High School for beating Menlo last night in the CIF Northern California Division IV playoffs. You were clearly the better team but I didn’t drive an hour and a half in traffic last night to see you play shut down defense and consistently out rebound the Knights. (side note: it is not normally A&M’s practice to say ‘fuck you’ to high school kids. But it’s the playoffs. So fuck you.)

*Fuck you Ohio and Texas. Get a fucking clue. There's a reason the rest of the nation makes fun of all of you. And you just proved it. (Apologies to MoHud and Uncle Icee. Nah, you know what? Fuck you guys too)

*Fuck you any sportswriter who refers to Favre as a gunslinger and then later says “with two minutes on the clock there’s no one else you want with the ball in their hands.” Those two things are a total contradiction. That’s like calling Natalie Portman an unbelievable prude but then later saying if you could only one get one more blowjob there’s no one else you’d rather see with your dick in her hands.

*Fuck you homeless guy who screamed at me “Fuck yourself! You don’t rule the city! The homeless is the rulers of the city!” The dangerous, pissing on a post, cracked out molester thing I can handle. But your grammar is horrendous. Clean it up!

*Fuck you Apples and Moustaches. Yeah, that’s right, fuck you, Magglio and fuck you, me. This blog was supposed to be just a way to fuck around and waste time. I didn’t know that we’d acquire tens of rabid fans who check the site monthly. We’ve been getting almost 50 hits a day, 50! Next thing you know people will be reading whole columns, commenting, maybe even emailing! Too much pressure, fuck you A&M.

*Fuck you ‘Fuck you Post’. You made me say terrible things about my dog Patch. It’s just for fun Patch. Who wants a tickle? Who wants a tickle?