Friday, May 29, 2009

An Instant Classic....

It wasn’t quite Chad Johnson versus the thoroughbred. Or Ruthie versus Coral. Or Mine That Bird versus Rachel Alexandra. But what went down Sunday at the BBQ in Seattle was something just as noteworthy. Just as thrilling. And totally tits.

It was an epic Memorial Day barbeque in Seattle. My wife and I made the short flight for the extended weekend. Jericho and his wife were also in town. It was like San Francisco-North but with more white people and less swagger.

The event on Sunday started at 2pm, but in frat guy time that means 4:30pm. On the menu was grilled Panini’s. We stayed at the house that was hosting so naturally we planned the guts of the party. (Let me tell you, I was the social chairman of my fraternity in college. What does this mean? Not a whole lot. Maybe it explains the massive weight gain my sophomore year. Or why I took a hussy to Spring Cruise Junior year. And Senior year. But it also means I’m good at picking music, planning drinks and gauging total food consumption. Here’s a tip; never underestimate the skinny bitch in the house. It might go down the toilet later, but she’ll give those Panini’s a run that would impress Prefontaine) We talked about grilling burgers. (predictable.) We talked about making pizzas. (amateur.) We even talked about roasting a pig. (um, what?) But ultimately we settled on Panini’s. On the grill. Which naturally makes them way more manly.

When you get a bunch of former frat dudes and a keg and a 3-day weekend and add some chicks and some funky tasting French onion dip…something’s bound to happen. Being the naturally charming one in the group, I pointed to Nez and told Joshy that I bet Nez could do 45 push-ups, no doubt. From there it escalated. We sized up Nez and his too tight Lacoste shirt and eventually the conversation got around to Tyler’s affinity for keg stands. Mix it all together and the match-up was on. Total number of push-ups for Nez versus total amount of seconds on a keg stand for Tyler. This was Celtics versus Bulls circa 2 weeks ago.

The rules were as follows; Nez would go first with the push-ups. He would do 1 complete push-up so everyone could agree that the form was correct and it counted. We even put a keg cup upside down and agreed that Nez had to touch his chest to the cup to make it count. Tyler would go next. One guy per leg, one guy pumping the keg at an agreed upon steady pace and the official counting would be done by Joshy’s cell phone. No, it wasn’t an iPhone. Joshy doesn’t understand such technology. I think it was a Samsung. Or one of those phones Ozzy Osbourne babbles on about. Joshy says the phone makes him feel ‘rock and roll.’ Damn it Joshy.

Joshy wanted odds. He thought that Nez could easily do more push-ups than Tyler could do seconds on a keg stand. So after much arguing we set the spread at 9. Nez needed to beat Tyler by 9 total. I put money down that Nez would win with the push-ups. It was on.

We retreated to the basement where the keg was being stored/coddled. Shit, we babied that thing for 2 straight days, rotating the ice packs, stroking its strong shell and singing AC/DC tunes in its ear. We closed the door behind us for two reasons;

1) Tyler’s wife does not allow him to do keg stands anymore. And with good cause.
2) Nez brought his new girlfriend to the party and he wanted to see how long he could fool her into thinking he wasn’t a complete meathead frat guy.

The intensity in that basement when the door slammed was off the charts. It felt a bit like Fight Club, a bit like a Michael Vick dog fight and a bit like a couple strippers were about to do a trick we’ve only seen on film. Jericho had a joke that brought the house down but believe it or not it’s too graphic to say…even on here.

Nez banged out 54 push-ups. I was so proud. I was figuring 45 and he nailed 54. Later he told me he squeezed out those last few because he knew I had cash on the table. Respect. Then came Tyler. Tyler was like Tyson before the opening bell. Or LeBron when his team is down 3-1 in a series. He didn’t even flinch. Tyler went a good 50 seconds before he even indicated a struggle. Later we checked his shirt and the ground and there was zero evidence of spillage. It was a performance for the ages.

Then we all returned to the party, enjoyed a Panini and faked civil conversations with the ladies.

Damn it I love my friends.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

They Get Longer As You Go

Homeless Jingles
Here’s a question, why do homeless people still jingle their change when you walk by, what else is in the cup? This is like a Greenpeace activist yelling "signatures," a 4yr old girl yelling "terrible lemonade," or a prostitute yelling "tattered vagina." We know what it is and what you want. You don't need to fucking advertise that shit.

I feel very confident about the following statement: if Christina Aguilera spent three weeks doing heroin, living off the street and blowing flunkies and homeless guys she’d be Lady Gaga. However, I don’t know what the adverse of that would be; what would Lady Gaga need to do for three weeks before she turned into Christina? Shower with $10,000 soap and fuck a giant rat? Record an all-Spanish album to honor her Ecuadorian kindergarten teacher? I'm open to any and all suggestions on this one.

CD Reviews
How dumb are CD reviews? I think it was Bob Dylan who said that “writing about music is like dancing about architecture.” Now, I have no idea what that means, but because Dylan said it I will look eminently more intelligent by quoting it. Music is so subjective that the job of the music journalist should be to categorize or attempt to categorize, not to explain how the music should make you feel. Place the music in context (currently and historically), mention its influences, tell a few stories about the CD being made and that's it. Instead we get 2,000 word reviews like this where the reviewer uses the term “thrust-grunting” at least 5 times. I’m here to fix this. In addition to the background info above, each CD should be rated according to the following five-point system – the “reviewer” will check all that apply.

This CD makes me want to:
- Get really drunk with my friends
- Get really high and listen carefully
- Fuck the closest human next to me
- Pick a fight and win / lose (circle one)
- Sit in a room by myself and write nonsensical thoughts in a journal

Doesn’t that list tell you as much as you need to know about a new CD? Sure as shit tells you more than “thrust-grunting” – I mean, you can just check #3 for that. You're welcome.

Analogizing LeBron

For the past 3 months, every writer in America has struggled to make the right sports analogy for what we’re witnessing with LeBron right now. He’s Jordan. He’s Bird. He’s a cool Kobe. He’s Jordan and Magic in the same body. He’s Tiger Woods. He’s Tiger Woods, crossed with Jordan with a dusting of Tom Brady. All of these work and none of these work. What we’re watching transcends sports, so let’s make our hair look like a buttcheek and go Outside the Lines on this one. I think the best comparison for 2009 LeBron is a mid-nineties Jenna Jameson. Think about it, Jenna revolutionized everything, redefined an industry, was the most unstoppable force on the planet. Whether she was the star of the scene or just helping out in the background, you could never take your eyes off her, in other words, much like LeBron, she didn’t need the ball in her hands to make an impact. LeBron can play multiple positions, and play them better than anyone in recent memory, he can go big, go small, and offers a significant tactical advantage from every place on the floor. The most startling comparison is the fact that neither of them have / had reached their full potential at this point. LeBron’s game revolves around his otherworldly athleticism, he’s a specimen and doesn’t need a traditional basketball arsenal to score 40. Once he develops a low post game, similar to MJ and Kobe, he will literally be unstoppable, he might score 50 a game. With Jenna, she was so hot and so dirty she could just coast by on her natural talent. But in the late 90s when she developed that spitting blow job move that became her signature for the rest of her career, she officially earned the name “The Queen of Porn” and has been justly revered ever since. There's a lot of LeBron in Jenna. That’s not a title of an upcoming movie, it’s a fact.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Caity's Time of the Month

*We've got tits! That's right. A&M has a female writer complete with anatomically correct parts. Enjoy Caity's time of the month, a segment written for the female side, from the female side of Apples and Moustaches.

By Caity

I'll be the first to admit that, at present, I am right below Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on the list of individuals most ill-suited to rear a child. This, however, does not stop me from having certain opinions on the subject. Thus, when my Memorial Day festivities (Coors Light and the pool) were crudely interrupted by a small child with decidedly different conceptions of propriety than my own, I was concerned. Here's how it went down:

Inclement weather Memorial Day morning tabled our plans to spend the day doing hoodrat stuff on my friends' boat, so when a patch of blue sky opened up that afternoon, we packed the cooler, hauled ass to the pool and posted up. I was minding my own business and carrying on a very adult conversation about Best Buy's first quarter earnings report (seriously!), when a roughly 2-year-old gentleman paddled up to me in his bitchin' tube and floaties (already I'm jealous I can't rock this look anymore), gathered a big mouthful of pool water and spit it right in my face. He attacked from the side as I was mid-sentence, so a little baby-spit-filled chlorine water made it right into my mouth. I think we all know I've had worse in there, so I really wasn't all that upset about it. I did, however, feel a certain sense of civic duty to point out to this very small future member of the body politic that, in most cases not involving consenting adults, it is considered poor form to spit fluid into the mouth of another person. I turned to the little guy and said, "Well, that was not very polite." This kid had a tight game, though, because he looked right at me, smiled the biggest, cutest smile I'd ever seen and said, "I'm gonna show you a BIG splash!" I was puddy.

Now, his mommies saw the whole thing go down, and the larger one was out of her chair quicker than you could say, "Here comes a big bitch." She said, "What are you thinking making me get up from my vodka drink?! Get over here!" Clearly this wasn't his first rodeo, because he took his sweet time (about 5 minutes of stern words and threats) making it to the side of the pool. I'm sitting there thinking, Oh, shit, kid; here it comes. We've all been there, and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't suck. Just squeeze your ass cheeks together, bear down on that there diving ring and consider this round of public humiliation practice for middle school. When she finally got him out though, all she said was, "Come sit down over here and we're going to eat." I'm not complaining that the kid didn't get his ass beat, but a few choice comments hammering home the point that you don't fucking spit on people would have been refreshing. I, as an individual not charged with making sure he doesn't end up torturing cats and eventually telling some big girl to put the lotion on the skin, am allowed to think the incident was cute; his mommies, in my humble opinion, are not.

But what the fuck do I know? I thought it was OK to let my 5-year-old cousin watch Scream and the poor kid had nightmares for months, so maybe I'm not the arbiter of responsible parenting. I was seriously questioning my judgment until my knocked-up friend with whom I had been speaking said, "Let me tell you the difference between me and Earth Mother McGee over there. I would have been in that pool fully clothed and dragged his ass out. Then, he would have gotten whipped three times: once for spitting on a stranger; once for making me get my clothes wet; and once for interrupting my cocktail." Praise BE, sister!

Naturally, this brings me to how I found myself in a verbal altercation with a tattooed hippy fuck at PetSmart yesterday.

(Side note: Mom, if you're reading this, I have a confession: I have a dog. I'm sorry. )

I was on my way back from the gym a few months ago when my friend and I saw what looked like a really cute rat on the side of the road. We pulled over, and saw that it was, in fact, not a rat, but the most adorable puppy ever. He looked like a baby panda bear, but was completely malnourished and had a wormy belly. It was a Sunday and all the proper vets were closed, so we took the little guy to PetSmart and got him all fixed up. My friend already has a dog who does not play well with others and I'm only human, so the wormy little rat was coming home with me.

High on visions of responsible pet ownership, I pre-paid for a care plan that supposedly covered all of his shots and neutering. Flash forward to yesterday, and me arguing with the front desk girls because it's time for him to be neutered, and the puppy that was previously "definitely a Pit Bull" and that "might get to 45 pounds" is, at 5 months old, 40 pounds and quite clearly a Great Dane. The point is, now they're trying to horse fuck me on the price of getting him neutered. Here I am, in the middle of telling the vet that I don't give a shit what his certificate from the University of Tijuana Online Veterinary School says, he's not getting me to pay $150 for something I already paid for, when this douchebag walks in with his boxer. The boxer barks at Mr. Darcy (shut up!), and Mr. Darcy barks back. This goes on for what seemed like an eternity, with the boxer's limp dicked owner not doing a damn thing, and me telling Mr. Darcy "No! Sit! I said, no! Sit!" After about a minute of this I'd had enough and swatted him on his ass to make him pay attention. All of a sudden, homeslice wakes up from ogling his Birkenstocks long enough to yell from about 15 yards away, "Hey, that's not cool! You can't do that." Really, asshole? 'Cause I just did, and you'll notice whose dog is sitting quietly at present. I'm over it at this point though, and, unable to take the high road, yell back across the PetSmart check out area, "Fuck off, Cesar Millan! You'll thank me when he doesn't bite you."

That's real talk. Also, I quit my waitress job, so if anyone is in the Atlanta area and needs a baby and/or pet sitter, I'm available! Please leave your contact info in the comments section, and know that I'll need a stocked fridge when I get there.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

I Owe Him a Quarter

Look, Panda, I get paid in Panda babies for this, right?

Box Office Predictions for 5/22/09

(I’m including the Monday tallies as well)

Movie: Night of the Museum 2
Prediction: $83 million

Movie: Terminator 4
Prediction: $71 million

Movie: Star Trek
Prediction: $36 million

Movie: Angels and Demons
Prediction: $27 million

- With Star Trek, Wolverine and Angels & Demons starting the summer season off, there’s been nothing out there for kids and families. Enter Night of The Museum 2, expect this movie to open big.

- Look, I like Stiller as much as the next guy, but I think it’s worth noting that this is his third sequel in five years (joining Meet the Parents 2 and Madagascar 2). With word that Meet the Parents 3 just went into production, it’s safe to say that he’s officially reached “hey, let’s make Indy 4” sell out status. (P.S. Stiller apparently already trademarked that term and I now owe him a quarter).

- Sometimes my judgment gets clouded by my opinion, and here’s my opinion about Terminator 4: who in the fucking fuck wants to this fucking pile of fuck? With that said, I feel in my heart that this movie will under perform, but it does have pretty good buzz heading into the weekend and is a franchise that always seems to open well. So it’s really anyone’s guess here. I’m going with $71 but wouldn’t be surprised to see this in the 80s.

- Terminator 4 is directed by a dude who goes by McG making this film the first in the franchise to a) not star Arnold and b) be directed by a cheeseburger

- Star Trek continues to perform well, actually outselling Angels & Demons throughout this week. A weekend in the mid $30s puts this in the top 100 all time.

- Happy Memorial Day, everybody. Mags and I are both out tomorrow, so we'll get back at ya on Tuesday.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Let's keep the party going...

Five thoughts for today to keep the party going...

Thought One:
I’ve always felt that getting the shopping cart with the wonky wheel is good luck. However, getting shit on by a bird just plain sucks.

Thought Two:
This week’s “fuck off”, for those who we could give a fuck about….:

- Michael Vick

- John and Kate or any of their plus 8

- Twitter and all those who Tweet

- Rafael Nadal/Roger Federer

- The new Bachelorette.

Thought Three:
If Allison Mosshart wants to have a threesome with me and her guitar then I’m totally down. You know what? She can even leave the guitar at home and I think I’d still be down. We saw The Kills last night and they blew the roof off that bitch! I’ve never seen someone perform on stage that had the entire crowd wanting to put it to her. Now that’s talent.

Thought Four:
A great memory from Sunday’s Bay to Breakers….at about 12:30pm, when I finally found Jericho and was so happy that I broke into what can only be described as the tootsie-roll mixed with a late ‘90s butterfly dance move. I then noticed someone had joined my dance circle, population now 2, and looked up to find none other than Tahoe Santa matching me move for move. Truly one of the greatest moments of my life. I was passed out approximately 35 minutes later, FYI.

Thought Five:
I want to legally change Patch’s name to Mini Sirloin Burger. Is that wrong?


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Just a bit outside...

Box Office Results for 5/15/2009

Angels & Demons
Prediction: $57 million
Actual: $46 million

Star Trek
Prediction: $39 million
Actual: $43 million

- Not my greatest weekend by any stretch of the imagination, missing Angels & Demons by $11m and Star Trek by $4m. I can promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any blogger in the entire country study movies as hard as I will study for the rest of the movie season. You will never see someone push Box Office Mojo as hard as I will push it for the rest of the summer. You will never see a blog get as many box office predictions right as this site will for the rest of the season. God Bless.

- I said on Friday that I didn’t really have logic for my Angels & Demons prediction – well, I did, sorta. Da Vinci had sold 81 million copies when it was released into theaters, A&D had sold 60 million as of last Friday – so I guessed that the movie returns would echo the books sales and come in around $20 million less. I was wrong. Why didn’t I mention this on Friday? That’s easy; I wanted to talk shit about how fucking smart I was after the fact. I’ll give you a totally insane and illogical analogy. Let’s say you’re at a bar and you overhear a PYT talking about how bad she feels that her grandma is single and isn’t dating anyone. So you strut over and very coolly ask her to smell your finger. When she does and looks at you quizzically, you very slyly add, “that’s Judi Dench, she rode this all day.” Maybe it works, maybe but it doesn’t, but you are completely revered by your buddies if it does. So yes, my sin is vanity, I wanted to be revered and used Judi Dench’s pussy to do it.

- As I mentioned on Friday however, the real draw for A&D is overseas, the movie opened with almost $105m internationally, a massive haul. It should easily get to $300m and right around #50 all time.

- Star Trek is kicking ass right now – a very miniscule 42% drop on its way to $43 million and almost $150 million through ten days. The international #s are starting to pick up a little too - $70 million through two weeks for almost $220m total.

- Goodbye Gladiator from the top 100 all-time and welcome, Monsters vs. Aliens, with $191m. Other movies in trouble of dropping out this year, Grease, Men in Black II and Toy Story.

- This week brings Terminator 4 and Night at the Museum 2. Two movies that prove one of the oldest theories about how movies get approved / made in Hollywood: a bunch of executives have an enormous circle jerk around a pile of DVDs on the floor – if two of them nut on the same one, they make a sequel. If three of them squirt on the same one, they make a prequel. And if someone inexplicably rips his dick off and eats it they make Terminator 4.


Monday, May 18, 2009

Today's Apples and Moustaches

You know what’s going to be fun to watch? Chris Cooley gain 150lbs after he stops playing football. That dude always seems to be teetering on the brink of chubby. Now wait till he has nothing to do all day besides sit by the pool, stare at his wife and eat. I say this with full confidence knowing that if I was in my mid-30s, with a chunk of change in the bank, then I would put on some serious pounds. And so will Cooley. No doubt.

My Blackberry’s battery strength is inexplicable like Fabio’s hair. I’m serious. I charge my Blackberry maybe once a week and the fucker never dies. This past week I actually wanted to see what would happen if I let it go so I did not charge it once. The battery bars turned from yellow to red, then half a bar filled red and started to blink, then no bars, then a green light started to flash. And then? That’s it. No seriously, it just stayed like that. I continued to get mail, continued to make phone calls, and the fucker never died. (said like Doc from Back to the Future) Unfounded! Outrageous! Totally tits! I am totally willing to offer up my Blackberry to NASA for testing.

Fuck Comcast. It seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Besides the fact that I’ve literally had the same conversation 10 times with 10 different people (…explaining that our account is on hold while we wait for our new apt to be ready. Yes, we still haven’t moved. No, I’m not thrilled about it. Yes, I am staying positive because that’s just who I am. No, I don’t technically have a ‘home’ right now and haven’t for the past 3 weeks. Yes, I do still manage fresh underwear every day. No, I never wear my wife’s panties. Yes, I’ve thought about it.) The latest cock suck move from Comcast is when they call you and ask you to hold for someone. Are you kidding me? Let me say it again. The phone rings, you answer, a recorded message comes on “Hi, this is Comcast, please hold for the next available representative. Hi, this is Comcast…” and on and on again. What a bunch of presumptuous twats. Last time, I waited 6 minutes until it disconnected me. You’re out of your mind if you think I picked up again when that automated number called back. Mother fuckers.

I’ll admit it. The Mets are a better baseball team than the Giants. No reason to frown when dropping 3 of 4 at home to the Mets. They’re a better team. They hit better, they run better, they don’t pitch better, but the combination of the first two outweighs our superior pitching staff. Their fans still can suck a dick though. Am I wrong?

KK Update: That’s right, let’s check in on what A&M’s favorite intern/hustler/sensitive cuddle bear KK is up to. Well, he’s engaged and his wedding is tentatively planned for October, his AIM icon is of another man surfing, he had a turkey and lettuce wrap for a snack at 4pm, he just got a Facebook account last week (no we’re not friends yet), his 3 on 3 basketball team won a tournament last week and he teared up at the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. Glad to see some things never change.


Friday, May 15, 2009

And Hanks Rules All

Yeah, but what's fun about playing with a building?

Box Office Prediction for 5/15/2009

Angels & Demons
Prediction: $57 million

Star Trek
Prediction: $39 million

- My logic for Angels & Demons? Actually I don’t really have any – just playing a hunch here. Da Vinci Code opened to $77 two summers ago (on its way to $760 worldwide), but Angels & Demons doesn’t have nearly the hype or the cache (yes, I just used cache on A&M) of its predecessor. So it won’t repeat that success, but I still think it opens big - not Double D, $77m big - but $57m, a nice handful.

- The real value for this film is overseas – Da Vinci racked up $540 internationally, only 12 movies have made more outside of the US (The Dark Knight made $468m by comparison). So whatever the movie makes here is just more syrup to pour on their enormous pile of money waffles.

- The bigger battle here is not Da Vinci vs. Angels & Demons, it’s Hanks’ mullet (seen here) vs. Hanks’ soccer mom / Diane Lane cut (here). If something crazy happens, and Angels shoots past Da Vinci on the all time list this will be a major blow for mullets worldwide.

- Side note: hasn’t the term “the Pope is not very happy with X” lost all meaning at this point? What movie / star / band / food group is his eminence “pooping his pants thrilled with” at the moment? The Pope is not thrilled with yogurt right now.

- I alluded to some of Hanks’ BO numbers in my overall preview post a few weeks back, but two other amazing things about his career: 1) do you realize this guy has been a star since day 1? His first movie appearance ever was the lead role in Splash in 1984. You look at the IMDB pages of Ford, Will Smith, Tom Cruise; they all have bit parts in small movies before they became stars. Hanks has been a leading man his entire film career – spanning 34 movies over 25 years, incredible.

- 2) Has anyone made more rewatchable movies? Hanks isn’t only the biggest movie star ever, he’s probably the biggest cable star as well. I dare you to flip away when you find Cast Away, Forrest Gump, Turner and Hooch, Big, Saving Private Ryan, Toy Story or The Money Pit on TV. It’s not possible.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

1,000 Words

This photo was sent in from one of our favorite readers/bloggers/knuckle fucks...Walk On Boy. Seems as though he had a moment of brilliance this afternoon (just one) and captured it on film. Herein lies the first ever photographed Apple and Moustache. Rock on Walk on Boy. Rock on.

If you have a pic you'd like to send us or a witty quip you'd like to dazzle us with then what are you waiting for?

Contact us.....ApplesandMoustaches at Gmail dot com.


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Today's Apples and Moustaches

This Sunday is Bay 2 Breakers. For those of you who know what this is, then you know the madness that is about to ensue. For those of you that don’t, let me see if I can provide some insight using only 10 words. San Fancisco, Walk/Run/Race, Booze, Nudity, Floats, Costumes, Peeing in Public, TahoeSanta, One-of-a-kind, best day of the year. Yep, that about sums it up. Choosing the right outfit is critical. I’m deciding between head-to-toe spandex, a full Giants uniform or dressing as Dora the Explorer. And Tahoe, I am more excited to see you than the sloppy bitches on Biggest Loser when they finally give into their temptations and decide to actually eat the Twinkie. You’re my Twinkie Tahoe. And I will eat you whole.

I can’t wait for Casey Blake to get a big fat fucking fastball in his pussy. After hitting a game-tying home run off of Brian Wilson in the 12th inning Sunday, Blake got back to the dugout and mocked the hand gesture Wilson does after completing a save. Of course the gesture he makes is a tribute to God and to Wilson’s late father. Whoops. Casey Blake has a 99mph fastball to the jaw in his future. Which brings me to my next point. Have I ever been such a fan of an outright, holy rolling, Jesus humping athlete? Usually I roll my eyes and am immediately turned off when an athlete drops the JC bomb, but Wilson is different. He doesn’t preach. His faith is blatant but he’s not all up in my business about it. And you know what? He’s a fucking lunatic. Mohawk, tattoos, straight talk, no bullshit. I like this guy. He’s exactly what we need as a save man. He may have even cracked my top 5 favorite Giants on this year’s squad.

You know who's hot? Leighton Meester. And since we no longer post pictures of hot chicks I’ll just have to link to them here. (On a side note…why are you putting up with this? Look, I can’t say anything because I’m “affiliated” with the site. But you can. You’re the reader. Power to the people. Nobody reading this wants to look at Brian Wilson’s dumb face. Start a mutiny! Riot. Break things! Send letters to your local elected officials! Bring back the sweet tits on A&M!)

Just an observation. Whenever you see a chick bring her purse with her into the bathroom it means she’s about to get up in it. It’s the equivalent of seeing a guy walking into the bathroom with some wet wipes and the Lifestyle section of the newspaper.

In case you haven’t noticed, our friend Jericho is ridiculously ridiculous in his ability to predict box office numbers. The only problem is there’s nothing to do with this talent. We can’t make millions from his knowledge. We can’t go on a game show and have him take home the grand prize. Hell, it’s even difficult to work the info into a cocktail party conversation…”You know, I have an inkling Wolverine will make roughly 70% less than it did opening weekend.” See? Not that cool. Well, I guess it’s just our little secret then. I know I’m not alone when I say I definitely want him to continue predicting box office numbers and giving us his thoughts/insights. But the first reader who can figure out a way to monetize Jericho’s freakish talent wins a lap dance from Caity.


Monday, May 11, 2009

I had Sex With It…

Box Office Results for 5/8/2009

Star Trek
Prediction: $77 million
Actual: $79 million (this includes $4 million from Thursday night shows, which I’m including)

Prediction: $30 million
Actual: $26 million

- As Red said to Andy when he learned the full extent of his money laundering schemes, “did I say you were good? Shit, you’re a Rembrandt.” Yes, Red, yes I am.

- I think the title of this post says it all, but I think it’s worth noting that the Box Office showed up at my house this morning asking for abortion money.

- I think the Star Trek wagon keeps rolling, I bet it averages close to $5m a day this week and puts up another $45-50 weekend next week – putting it right around $150m after 10 days – a phenomenal opening for a movie we had questions about a few days ago.

- Not to be a gasteroid from the Planet Leakycokcle, but the film vastly underperformed overseas with only $35m. My overall prediction of $525 overall was based on very, very strong international numbers, unless we can complete the Overbunder Canal in under 10 Parsecs I could be in trouble with that one.

- Wow, Wolverine sure faded quickly huh? I predicted the film to drop 65% - it dropped 70% to $26m. However, it’s made $129 here and $254m worldwide – with a price tag of $150, this should still make a nice little profit – anytime you drop in the 70s though, that’s a big number.


Friday, May 8, 2009

And The Nerds Came in Droves…

Box Office Prediction for 5/8/2009

Star Trek
Estimate: $77 million

Estimate: $30 million

- Star Trek is a tough one to predict. On one hand, does any one outside of the Trek fraternity really want to see a movie about the series’ origins? On the other, it’s big, it’s loud, it’s summer, it’s got the Leonardo DiCaprio of nerds J.J. Abrams at the helm – this could be one of those movies that tips the scales into the mainstream. Earlier in the week, I had the movie opening in the $50-60 range, but the reviews are through the roof, the buzz is strong, which I think will push this into the $70-80 slot. However, neither $55 nor $105 would surprise me with this one, so let’s call it $77 to be safe.

- I think Wolverine takes an absolutely meteoric drop – slipping 65% to $30 million. You figure that the audience for this one was pre-built and went on opening weekend – but the reviews aren’t good enough to pull in repeat viewers and or people not familiar with the franchise. Still though, with another $20 million this week, $30 or so over the weekend and about $80 so far overseas, the movie should be on target for right around $400m overall – plenty of dough to make a profit and ensure a horrible sequel (which would be a sequel to a prequel or presequel or if you will)


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Today's Apples and Moustaches

You know what term I don’t get? “Sleep like a baby.” What does that mean? I don’t have kids and haven’t had a tit in my mouth since 7am. Do babies rest peacefully? Doesn’t it seem like they’d be up all night crying and shit? I can’t for the life of me figure this one out. After a tough work-out somebody told me “you’ll sleep like a baby.” I was up all night trying to figure out what that meant.

Let’s be serious for a second. Is anyone actually going to watch Star Trek? Am I missing something here? If you’re 50+ years old, or if you’re a frequent masturbator of Japanese anime (not that there’s anything wrong with that) or if you’re a complete turtle humper, then sure…go see Star Trek. But for the rest of us isn’t this just recycling the same old shit? Take it from me. The guy whose best friend loves movies so much that he predicts box office results for months and months out. Let me set the record straight. I can’t stand movies like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Gladiator, Braveheart, etc, etc. Fuck Star Trek. And anyone who goes and sees it.

Can you feel that strong breeze coming out of The City right now? That’s a collective sigh coming from the Giants’ front office being thankful we didn’t sign Manny Ramirez. Could you imagine if this happened with Manny as a Giant? It would cripple our city, our team, our fans. I think the Giants should send a press release saying the reason they didn’t pursue Manny more aggressively is because they had a feeling he was juicing. Haha. Oh by the way, fuck you Boston. Your titles are tainted. CHEATERS!

A couple nights ago Jericho called me and said “you watching the game?” The Giants had already played a day game so I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was talking about the NBA playoffs. “No chance. Wake me when it means something,” I said. I was wrong. I am admitting that now. I caught the 2nd half of the Lakers/Rockets last night and boy was I wrong. NBA Playoff basketball is about as good as it gets. The level of intensity, competition and athleticism makes my nipples hard. Similar to what happened when I watched this trailer.

You want to know what confuses me? Milk. I enjoy a cup of coffee or 8 every morning and I like to put a splash of milk in it. You know, just to be crazy. Well, there’s skim milk, 1%, 2% and whole milk. I usually opt for one of the first two since I need to maintain my girlish figure. But today, one of the options was Vitamin D Milk. What the fuck does that mean? D for delicious? D for don’t even think about it fat boy? Can’t we just make 2 versions of milk? One that’s full fat and one that’s for fat people. Who do contact to make this happen?

We’re less than 4 months away from Fantasy Football drafts. Oh yeah, it’s time to start preparing. Not by like reading about the NFL or anything. But by making your draft day preparations. For my high school league I think we’re going to be drafting at a friend’s bar in Sacramento. Holla. For my college league…who knows? Usually Jericho and I just call-in from San Francisco to those fuck wads in Seattle and are thankful we don’t have to see their stupid faces. We even wrote about it last year, here. (by the way, read the post. I won the league that year. Yes, I'm gloating. Bang Bang Eddie Royal!)

Finally, the Tahoe/Caity bone-down is imminent. I just hope/fear I get to watch.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Summer Box Office Preview

Here’s a week-by-week preview of the summer box office including US, International and total grosses. I’ve indicated in the total gross section which movies I think will crack the top 100 all time and where I think they’ll rank when all is said and done. I’m not including opening weekend, because I wouldn’t dare rob you of your cherished weekly Box Office predictions. I’ve listed my predicted top 5 at the bottom.

(Also, I’m not including Wolverine in the mix b/c I couldn’t get this done in time; I don’t think it’ll be in the top 5 for the summer anyway, so no harm no foul).

(Also, also, you'll notice that I'm only tracking all time worldwide status - don't worry, I'm not a communist or anything, I just like the big numbers).

May 8
Film: Star Trek
US: $240
International: $285
Total: $525 (#59 All Time)

May 15
Film: Angels and Demons
US: $195
International: $435
Total: $630 (#38 All Time)

May 22
Film: Night at the Museum 2
US: $210
International: $350
Total: $560 (#51 All Time)

May 22
Film: Terminator 4
US: $135
International: $280
Total: $415 (#100 All Time)

May 29
Film: Up
US: $155
International: $220
Total: $375

June 5
Film: Land Of The Lost
US: $115
International: $90
Total: $205

June 12
Film: Taking Of Pelham 123
US: $75
International: $110
Total: $185

June 19
Film: Year One
US: $85
International: $40
Total: $125

June 26
Film: Transformers 2
US: $270
International: $340
Total: $610 (#42 All Time)

July 1
Film: Public Enemies
US: $160
International: $115
Total: $285

July 10
Film: Bruno
US: $115
International: $140
Total: $255

July 15
Film: Harry Potter 6
US: $295
International: $650
Total: $945 (#7 All Time)

July 24
Fuck July 24

July 31
Film: Funny People
US: $130
International: $75
Total: $205

August 7
Film: G.I. Joe
US: $130
International: $85
Total: $215

Jericho’s Top 5 for Summer 2009
1. Harry Potter 6: $945
2. Angels and Demons: $630
3. Transformers 2: $610
4. Night at the Museum 2: $560
5. Star Trek: $525

A few thoughts:
- May has a chance to be the biggest month of all time with 6 major films opening in the same frame. The biggest month in history is July 2007 with more than $1.3 billion (the month saw Transformers, Harry Potter 5 and the Simpsons Movie open, with carry over from Ratatouille, Die Hard 4 and Knocked Up). Considering that 4 of my top 5 open in May, with other films like Terminator and Wolverine also dropping, May has a great shot at being the highest grossing ever.

- If Angels and Demons performs the way it should, then Tom Hanks will pass both Harrison Ford and Eddie Murphy to be the biggest box office star of all time. This movie will be his 15th to make at least $100m, his 10th to make more than $150m and his 6th to make more than $200m. Un fucking believable.

- Do you realize that the top 100 domestic films of all time include 29 films with more than $300m and 89 films with more than $200m? In fact, the lowest grossing movie in the top 100 is Gladiator with $187m – which means that in order to crack the top 100 a film can’t just be a hit, it has to be a massive, massive hit. We’re heading towards a future where every film in the top 100 will be $200m+. To wit, the past three movie years have had an average of 7.5 movies make more than $200m. Which means that mid-way through 2010, the top 100 will be completely full of $200m+ films – isn’t that incredible?


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Awesome Town!

Watch this video!

That's it. One measly link today. I'm working on 4 hours of sleep...give me a break. Plus Jericho keeps hyping a movie post he's been working on. Usually when he nerds out like this and takes multiple days to finish a post it turns into either 1) a fantastical diatribe involving a porpoise and a MILF or 2) a dead-on accurate look predicting the upcoming success of summer movies. One or the other. I don't know about you but my palms are sweaty in anticipation.

P.S. Anyone know how to put the video in the post? It'd be a whole lot cooler if you did.


Friday, May 1, 2009

Line for Line

Crusty Republican Arlen Specter announcing he’s switching parties and joining the Democrats is analogous to Anne Heche’s move to the other side of the plate in every conceivable way. An ill-fated, desperate attempt at relevance that no one will care about it in 5 days. After all, if fake lesbians and attention-seeking Republicans have taught us anything, it’s that they all come back to the dick in the end.


I just witnessed the following exchange on CNN about Swine Flu:

Blitzer: Dr. Gupta, knowing what we now know about the spread of Swine Flu, is it time to declare a state of total anarchy? In other words, should the citizens of the world start bashing each other’s heads open and feasting on the goo inside?

Gupta: Yes, Wolf, yes they should.

I was reviewing a list of McConaughey’s work this morning because I wanted to make a snarky joke about how long it’s been since he’s been in a good movie, but you know what? He’s never been in a good movie. EVER.

Basically, his work can be broken down as follows:

Shit Fucking Awful Movies:
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Surfer Dude, Fool's Gold, We Are Marshall, Failure to Launch, Two for the Money, Sahara, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Reign of Fire, Frailty, The Wedding Planner, Edtv, The Newton Boys, Amistad, The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Kinda Good Movies That Get Worse The More You Watch Them:
U-571, Contact, A Time to Kill

Good Movies That He Has A Tiny Part In And Therefore Doesn’t Get Credit For:
Tropic Thunder, Thirteen Conversations About One Thing, Dazed and Confused

Crazy list, huh? Not that I expected to find any diamonds in the rough, but I really had no idea it was that bad. I think we all agree that McConaughey is “A” list, right? Have you ever seen a worse list for an A list star? Say what you will about guys like Keanu or Nicolas Cage, but at least you can find a Point Break or a Raising Arizona on their IMBD pages. The funny thing? McConaughey’s still cool as shit; his movie sure do steam though.


Fuck the Kentucky Derby. Fuck anyone who writes more than five words about Brett Favre (including myself). Fuck anyone in the United States wearing a surgical mask. Fuck the Wizard of Oz. Fuck PowerPoint. Fuck the new Star Trek movie. Fuck PDFs, JPGs, TIFFs and multi-purpose printers. Fuck hockey. Fuck the BCS. Fuck the UN, NATO, Chapter 11, Windows 7, Chrysler and Netbooks. Fuck NASA, the CDC and any office building that has a separate bin for composting (yes, we have one). Fuck The Wall Street Journal, The USA Today and The New York Times. Fuck the Lohan girls (seriously, fuck them both and tape it please). Fuck the penis, the vagina and surrogate mothers. Fuck ESPN the magazine, Scott’s Pelt’s glasses and Pedro Gomez or “el vagine” as he’s known on ESPN Deportes. Fuck cactuses, porcupines and Baja Fresh. Fuck business lunches, cab drivers that don’t drive 80 mph at all times and peanut butter. Fuck Prince, The Madison Square Garden, Dr. J and Casio watches. Oh yeah, and fuck this post. I’m out.