Friday, June 29, 2007

Box Office Prediction: 6/29/07

Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $72 million

Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $39 million (does not include Weds and Thurs money, just the weekend)

Movie: Sicko
Prediction: $18 million

Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $16 million

Movie: 1408
Prediction: $10 million

Movie: Knocked Up
Prediction: $7 million

Movie: Fantastic Four 2
Prediction: $7 million

Thursday, June 28, 2007

5 things we learned 5 minutes before the NBA Draft

1. Naming your child 'a player to be named later' would give him/her a lifetime of references on Sports pages, blogs, AP wires, etc....and incredible placement on Google searches.

2. The East Coast is scared shitless that the West Coast has the first 2 picks in the draft.

3. Greg Oden is 7 feet tall. Wow. Really?

4. There is a kid named Ryvon Corville available. Doesn't that sound like a song that Lil Jon would put out?

5. Joakim Noah is still a doucebag.

19 revelations and life rules that are only possible when you’re about to turn 28

1. Nothing good ever comes in a white envelope
2. Anyone who uses the word “humorous” is an asshole
3. People who don’t masturbate are hopeless in bed
4. Any woman who absent mindedly plays with her hair and checks for split ends more than 5 times during a conversation is not to be trusted
5. The secrets to a good relationship might be conversation and compromise, but the secret to true love is luck
6. The three most important and dangerous words in the English language are, “yeah, but why?”
7. If you are fifty years old, married with kids, a good job, nice house and a dog and you’re still worried that your dick is too small just fucking blow your head off b/c you’re never going to be happy
8. Men hunt and women gather. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Men like to flip through channels to find something to watch and women like to go through the guide to find a show. These are all retarded. The basic difference between men and women can be summed up like this: Men are stupid and women are crazy. Every argument, hurt feeling, moment of angry silence, stand up routine and Friends episode stems from this simple statement
9. The Bible is the world’s largest and longest game of telephone
10. Gay men have more fun than anyone (they obviously have their share of problems, but their ceiling for fun is higher than everyone else’s)
11. There is no female equivalent to how much men like and need sports, nothing comes close
12. There is no such thing as a ‘low maintenance’ woman. There are three distinct levels: medium maintenance, high maintenance and run for your life
13. Empathy is faked way more often than orgasms
14. When you’re multitasking and one of your tasks is to every now and then walk over to the table and take bong rips it becomes very hard to multitask
15. Be wary of anyone who makes up their mind before they hear all (or any for that matter) of the evidence, aka, people who always vote democrat without really getting to know any of the candidates
16. There is absolutely no such thing as “un-biased” – it’s a complete impossibility in any context
17. At the end of the day, nothing tells you more about a person then what makes them laugh
18. Masturbation is like sneezing or scratching an itch: the need to do so comes suddenly, it feels great and is over and forgotten after three seconds (for the importance of sneezing and scratching see #3)
19. Moms are moms but they’re still women, and dads are dads but they’re still men, therefore #8 still applies, tread carefully

Songs to Sweat by

Shouldn’t every Ipod come equip with a pre-installed playlist entitled ‘Run Your Fat Ass’? Or shouldn’t there be a section on iTunes where users can contribute their favorite work out songs? I seem to have a difficult time making exercise mixes. Inevitably I get bored with my selections or only really want to hear 4 of the 10 songs on the list.

Eminem is easily one of the best. Most Rage Against The Machine songs get me going. Lately I can listen to most songs from The Streets when I’m working out. But inevitably there are always a handful of songs on my workout playlist that I skip. I spend half of my workout skipping songs. I’m not what the doctor’s call “in shape.” So wasting time fiddling with these things when I’m actually working out is really becoming a problem.

Here’s what we’re going to do at Apples & Moustaches (the only true voice of sanity.) We’re going to keep a running list of good songs to workout to. No bullshit. No ‘is this song 3 minutes or 4’ running through your head. No ‘I’ll push it harder tomorrow’. These aren’t just songs that work for a week or a month at a time…these are knock down, sweat pouring, rim rattling, ears ringing, staring down the beefy dude in the corner who could squish your head like a ping pong ball songs.

It starts with these 5 today. We’ll add more as we see fit.

Best Songs to Lift to:
1. Catch Hell Blues – White Stripes
2. Lose Yourself – Eminem
3. Doe Boy Fresh – Three 6 Mafia
4. Walk it Out Remix - Unk, Andre 3000, Jim Jones
5. This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race – Fall Out Boy

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Box Office Results: 6/22/07

• Evan Almighty: 32
Predicting 50 was pretty bold for a movie with no clear-cut demographic. I really thought the church goers would give this a bit more love like they did with Passion of the Christ a few years back. Maybe if Evan stopped every now and then and flogged himself it would’ve done better.
• 1408: 20
Undershot this a little, but not by much; plot seemed dumb but maybe Cusack and Samuel L. elevated this a bit. Either way, fuck this movie sideways.
• FF 2: 20
Wow! This movie’s audience declined by 65% percent, I knew they’d leave but didn’t know they’d flock that fast.
• 4 Oceans: 11
Got it.
• 5. Knocked Up: 10
Nailed it.
• 6. Pirates: 7
• 7. Surf’s Up: 7
Fuck this movie. Honestly, how bad do you hate Surf’s Up?
• 10. Might Heart: 4
Overshot this by 6 million - I figured the tabloids would drive this to a bigger number. But then again, who wants to see a movie about a pregnant lady who finds out her husband was kidnapped and beheaded? I hope the movie is really, really good and I hope the victims / characters feel a sense of relief and that the movie did their stories justice, but does anyone really want to see this?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Box Office Prediction: 6/22/07

1. Evan Almighty: $50 million
2. FF 2: $25 million
3. 1408: $16 million
4. Oceans: $11 million
5. Knocked Up: $10 million
6. Mighty Heart: $10 million
7. Pirates: $7 million

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The nine most awesome Arnold lines and the things that make them awesome.

1. The Movie: Hercules in New York (1970)

The Line: Ha, ha, ha. You have strucked Hercules.

Three reasons why it’s important / awesome:
1). This is the first line that Arnold ever spoke in a movie…sort of, considering his entire part was dubbed.
2) The grammar in this line foreshadows his entire career nicely.
3) The movie contains the most ridiculous fight scene of all time, Arnold fighting a grizzly bear on a busy street in Manhattan…sort of, considering it’s clearly a person in a bear costume. I’d love to include a line from the bear fighting scene, but it’s mostly just grunting, er, dubbed grunting.

2. The Movie: Conan the Barbarian (1982)

The Line: For us, there is no spring. Just the wind that smells fresh before the storm.

Three reasons why it’s important / awesome:
1) Arnold’s first dabble in poetry comes off without a hitch, unless of course you consider long hair and leather underwear a hitch.
2) The looks of confusion on everyone’s face immediately after he delivers the line are priceless. No one knows what the hell it means, least of all Arnold.
3) In a really weird coincidence, this movie somewhat mirrors Arnold’s real life. Small town kid grows huge muscles, becomes a hero of sorts and then, in an unlikely and surprising move, is named king. (Editor’s note: Google Image searches for: ‘Arnold governing California in Conan leather underwear’ were unsuccessful at time of print).

3. The Movie: Conan the Destroyer (1984)

The Line:
Blond babe: I suppose nothing hurts you.
Arnold: Only pain.

Three reasons why it’s important / awesome:
1) Just as he dabbled in poetry in the first Conan movie, in the sequel Arnold tries something else on for size: irony.
2) Legend has it that Arnold has no idea he appeared in this movie – all of his dialogue was dubbed over from Conan the Barbarian outtakes – that would explain why the movie ends with Arnold passing up the throne and the beautiful virgin queen to “find his own kingdom” – no way Arnold would’ve have approved that shit
3) This movie features cameo appearances by Grace Jones, Andre the Giant and Wilt Chamberlain! Really the perfect storm of “what the fuck are they doing in this movie?” appearances.

4. The Movie: Commando

The Line:
Nameless thug (pointing a gun at Arnold): Fuck you, asshole!
[thug squeezes the trigger, but the gun clicks empty]
Arnold: Fuck *you*, asshole.

Three reasons why it’s important / awesome:
1) Arnold goes back to his giant bag of acting tricks and pulls out one of the oldest and most trusted: repeat the line back to the other actor but emphasize a different word. Pure genius.
2) Repeat the line back to the other actor but *emphasize* a different word, asshole.
3) Arnold has made a career out of saying snappy lines immediately after he kills somebody. This was the first time he actually incorporated the line into the killing process. It seems like he uses this trick every few seconds, or maybe he actually he does since he kills 81 people in this movie.

5. The Movie: Running Man (1987)

The Line: I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine!

Three reasons why it’s important / awesome:
1) For some reason no three words flare up his accent better than “your goddamn spine.” There’s a good change that “yourgodd amnspine” means something in Austrian and that’s why it sounds so good. (Editor’s note: it doesn’t mean anything).
2) For some reason Arnold delivers this line without any pause whatsoever. The comma after “contract” was only inserted b/c of the high grammatical standards of this blog, it doesn’t exist in the actual quote. Try and say that line in one breath without pausing, no wonder this guy won Mr. Universe seven times!
3) Not to be nitpicky here (oh, who am I kidding, it's a blog), but how big is the actual contract if Arnold is worried there won’t be room in the dude’s stomach for his fist (and yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds)? Did Running Man have the contestants sign a block of wood?

6. The Movie: Total Recall (1990)

The Line: See you at the party, Richter!

Three reasons why it’s important / awesome:
1) Because any line Arnold delivers while holding two arms that he just ripped off will always make this list. Always.
2) One of the truly awesome Arnold lines that is awesome because of its own awesomeness and not just b/c Arnold said it awesomely. This really is a great line.
3) The truly transcendent moment after the line is delivered when Arnold is standing on the elevator holding the arms and trying to figure out what to do next. You can almost see Arnold’s acting wheels turning inside of his head, “hmmm…what would my character do here? Bring the arms with him? Put them in his belt like swords? Give himself a high five with one of the arms? Or maybe he would just throw them over the side. Yes. He would do that.”

7. The Movie: Eraser (1996)

The Line: (after shooting an alligator): You're luggage!

Three reasons why it’s important / awesome:
1) The first of Arnold’s snappy “I just killed you” lines to be directed towards an actual animal (not counting the Predator, all the weird creatures from the Conan movies and the grizzly bear from Hercules)
2) This line loses major points because he shot the alligator, a line that good really deserves bare hand strangulation.
3) Unfortunately Arnold does not make good on his promise and use the dead alligator as a suitcase at any point in the movie. Pity. Stupid PETA.

8. The Movie: End of Days (1999)

The Line: You want to fuck with me? Oh, you think you're bad, huh? You're a fucking choir boy compared to me! A CHOIR BOY!

Three reasons why it’s important / awesome:
1) It’s important to note that this line is being said to Satan. Satan!
2) “You’re a fucking choir boy compared to me!” Um, might want to consider those track records again, Arnold.
2) Choir boy? He’s squaring off with Satan and that’s the best he can do? Choir boy? Good thing he didn’t call him a “ninny” or a “wee fairy” that really would’ve pissed Satan off.

9. Movie: The 6th Day (2000)

Line: All I know is that there is somebody in my house, eating my birthday cake, with my family, and its not me!

Three reasons why it’s important / awesome:
1) One of those weird Arnold lines in one of those weird Arnold movies where you can’t tell if the screenwriter is trying to be serious or trying to give Arnold a pseudo serious line that will be intentionally unintentionally funny
2) Either way, you’ve gotta like his priorities here, 1) house 2) cake 3) family.
3) One positive of seeing a movie starring Arnold about cloning: sure, you’ve seen your share of goofy high fives and thumbs ups. You’ve probably even done your fair share. We all have. But you haven’t seen a goofy thumbs up until you’ve seen cloned Arnolds goofily thumbs upping each other for a solid hour. The thumbs up has never been the same. In fact, I vote we all watch the 6th Day together as a human race and then retire the thumbs up once and for all.

Movies not considered:
Terminator movies: too iconic
Kindergarten Cop and Twins: too easy
Batman and Robin: too dumb to have any awesomeness in it
Last Action Hero and Junior: neither of these movies actually happened

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Today is the day

The new White Stripes album is out today....Icky Thump. It should be a national holiday.
I can't believe I'm at work today.

New releases always come out on a Tuesday. Why is this? I have no idea. But it’s the way it has always been. Tuesdays are the day for new music. Monday nights I get emails from a few places telling me what the new releases are. It brightens up my Tuesdays. They can be really depressing days (more of this theory to come.)

Fifteen years ago I remember trying my best to convince my grandmother that Sir Mix-a-Lot only used profanity as a way of self expression. And that rap was on the cutting edge of music. All to convince her that the ‘parental advisory explicit lyrics’ label had a purpose. She bought me that CD. I loved her for being so cool like that.

Ten years ago, when a new CD came out, I’d wait till school was out and drive directly to Tower Records. I’d immediately go to the Top 25 section to see if there was anything else worth buying. Maybe the new Bone Thugs, maybe a new Death Row release. I’d find the new CD, wait in line, purchase it, spend 10 minutes trying to open the damn package and then play it on the drive home. It was a religious experience.

Five years ago, when a new CD came out, Jericho and I would start the partying around 9pm on the Monday night before. The tradition was to do cannonballs…(it seemed appropriate. Welcome new music to our lives with continuous pulls of Carlos Rossi followed by 3 foot bong rips.) At around 11:50pm, we’d sprint (yes sprint) down to Tower Records. We’d stand in line with the eclectic group of fans; some Tori Amos fans, some NIN fans, some Dave Matthews fans. We’d buy the new cd, sometimes multiple copies for friends who we were sure would want one, and then hurry back to our house. Like clock work, I would pass out halfway through listening to it…amazing.

Side note: It always would be a few days after the fact that I could listen to the new cd again. Something about associating feeling sick with specific songs didn’t mix well. Certain CDs just never got a fair shot with me I guess.

Today, my new CD magically appeared on iTunes. I had pre-ordered the album. It was so difficult to not listen to the album before today. It was all over the internet. Friends were sending MP3s of the leaked album. The Australian radio station we stream at work was playing the album last week. I had headphones ready at all times. Why? Cause I wanted to hear it first with Jericho, the way I had always before.

Times have changed. Albums are leaked. And sometimes it’s great. (I remember getting sick of TV on the Radio’s Return to Cookie Moutain before it was ever released.)

There’s something nostalgic about waiting until the release date of an album, in my opinion. Technology dictates user consumption of information these days. Singles are outselling complete albums 5 to 1. At the click of a button you can get the hottest single. Rarely are artists recording or planning a complete album experience. Can you imagine if Pink Floyd was putting out albums today? Sure, I’m not going to buy Fall Out Boy’s whole album, but damnit if ‘Dance, Dance’ wasn’t on rotation in my playlist.

So I waited. I was able to put off all of the distractions, the pirated versions, the leaked copies to hear Icky Thump today. In its entirety, the way the artist intended it to be heard.

Monday, June 18, 2007

"You just can't teach that"

Famous words in sports. "You just can't teach that." You hear it everywhere, when a basketball player makes a no look pass or when a wide receiver seems to float in the air over defenders to haul in a catch. Announcers say it when a hockey player annihilates an opponent or when a tennis player fights through pain to outlast an opponent. These things, you cannot teach.

But golf?

I could've sworn I heard the announcers utter this phrase over the weekend while watching the U.S. Open. And it got me there anything in golf that is unteachable? Is there some deep down athletic ability or God given talent that the elite golfers have? No. The answer is no.

The ability to stay out and putt for hours and days on end demonstrates an inner passion and commitment...I guess. But is it unteachable? No. There is nothing in golf that isn't taught by countless repetition. It's just time. If you want to be good at golf, you need time. That's it.

Sorry Tiger.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Note to dudes everywhere...


Sure, it seems simple enough. Don't compare your chick to a short, round faced, pudgy, scooting centerfielder. Right? But let's examine the facts for a second.

Kirby Puckett was the premier centerfielder of the late 80's and early 90's. He was the undeniable leader of the Twins on and off the field, in 1986 he hit 31 homers along with 96 RBI's and a .328 batting average, and he single handedly won the World Series for the Minnesota Twins? Now ask yourself...does that sound like a compliment to be called Kirby Puckett?

To be compared to Kirby Puckett means to be called a leader. A visionary. An athlete. An inspiration. Now being compared to Adam Keefe, that's a whole other thing.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Dale Earnhardt Jr. switches sides – NASCAR changes over night.

Imagine Lee suddenly switching sides and fighting for the North. Imagine Barbara Streisand becoming a traditional Christian minister. Imagine R Kelly dating someone who could grow pubic hair. Imagine Rosie O’Donnell being funny and likable. Imagine Lance Bass having a nickname like “the clit commander.” Imagine Lauryn Hill dating a white guy named Whitey Whiteman.

All of these scenarios are mind bottling and would be completely relevant if anyone gave half a fuck about NASCAR. Have you ever watched a NASCAR event? It’s like watching slugs fuck. No thanks.

Friday, June 8, 2007

14 thoughts on the summer movie schedule

1. Spiderman 3, Pirates 3, Shrek 3, Oceans 3, Die Hard 4, Fantastic Four 2, Hostel 2, Harry Potter 5, Bourne 3, I guess my point is this: when Transformers is the most original idea of the summer, then originality has a sore dirty hole.

2. What does the term “popcorn movie” mean? Don’t they sell popcorn before every movie? Looking at the slew of sequels coming out this summer, maybe it means that the popcorn will be the highlight of the experience. And if “popcorn movies” describe the flicks that come out in summer, should “I don’t know what the fuck that movie was about but at least I can say I saw it and pass myself as smarter than I am” describe winter movies? So “popcorn movies” come out in summer and “asshole movies” come out in the winter? Good, glad we got that settled.

3. How vile and incriminating were those pictures of Bruce Willis that the studio used to convince him to make another Die Hard movie? I’m thinking that an umbrella and multiple penguins were involved. “Live Free or Die Hard” – is that a movie or the greatest Viagra commercial of all time? Something along the lines of Patrick Henry’s “give me liberty or give me death” speech. Except with a huge boner.

4. One more Bruce W thought, I don’t mean to sound like a queer or anything, but I find myself strangely attracted to Bruce’s son Rumer.

5. Hey did you know that George Clooney and Brad Pitt are 10x cooler, 100x richer and 1000x better looking than you? Find out all about it in the summer’s most whimsical put down, “Ocean’s Thirteen: it totally fucking sucks to be you.”

6. With Pirates and Shrek heading towards the $300 million mark, and Spidey already there, this will mark the first time that three movies that opened in the same month all eventually grossed over 300. Remember when 12 year old boys just stayed home and masturbated all day? Apparently they have money now.

7. Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Much more marketing savvy than the original title, “Fantastic Four 2: Wait, there was a Fantastic Four 1?”

8. Dear Katherine Heigl, we are getting fed up with you. We’ve given you more chances than you know, placed you in more misbegotten top five lists then can be counted, even watched that ‘ice pick in the testicles’ show you’re on. But the line has officially been drawn. Either start letting the puppies come out and play or just go the fuck away. Thank you. Sincerely, every heterosexual male in the world.

9. Making a movie out of Transformers = awesome idea. Having the main hero played by a guy named Shia = horrible idea. I mean, when they made He-Man a few years back it was one the worst movies ever fucking made but at least they had the sense to cast a guy named Dolph as the hero.

10. The biggest question of the summer: where’s Tom Cruise? It just doesn’t feel like summer without a five minute montage of Tom Cruise running.

11. Should True Hollywood Stories start casting for the dramatization of Daniel Radcliffe’s $5 million coke binge now, or wait a few more weeks to be safe?

12. Bourne 3, honestly, how much does this guy have left to remember? I can’t wait for Bourne 7, when he goes on a killing spree when he suddenly remembers that he prefers whole milk. “They ruined his life. Now they’ve ruined his coffee.”

13. Alright I’ll ask, if they can make Evan Almighty, a sequel to a successful movie (Bruce Almighty) built around a minor character from the first movie (the Steve Carell character) – then where is the Stiles movie? Oh come on! You remember Rupert 'Stiles' Stilinski – Michael J Fox’s boy from Teen Wolf. How fucking rad was that guy? Member when he threw that huge party while wearing a shirt that said, “What are you looking at, Dick Nose?” You’re telling me you’d rather watch Evan grow a beard and build an ark? Well OK then. Dick nose.

14. Hostel 2: the screams are louder, the torture more gruesome, the blood more red. In other words, the poop just got poopier.