Friday, January 18, 2013

Like clockwork.

Every year, without fail, it happens. Some dude on Facebook posts something along the lines of “When is football going to be over? Sheesh.” That guy is a gigantic pussy. FYI.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Three thoughts on the Fiscal Cliff

By Jericho...
1.      The word “cliff” is fantastic and I think we should use it to describe everyday problems. Right now I’m facing a hunger cliff. In a few hours, I’ll be at a Racer 5 cliff. Two days ago I almost fell off a pussy cliff. This has potential.

2.      Regardless of how you feel about John Boehner, I think we can all agree that there’s nothing better than John Boehner press conferences. What an awesome fucking display of dickness. Can you imagine what this dude’s like at home? “John, will you bring me that basket?” “Ha. Nice try, human wife. Next question.”  

3.      This is probably a stupid question, but why aren’t we voting on what to do about the fiscal cliff? I know what you’re saying; we elect these officials to speak for us. Well, if that’s true, and if a majority of the country just re-elected Obama because he proposed certain tactics yet those same tactics are being blocked by the legislature, then why the fuck do we vote in the first place? Didn’t the country just tell the government what it wanted and the government is responding by waving a middle finger at us? Am I wrong here, human readers?

Thursday, January 10, 2013

How's it going?

By Magglio

At work, when making casual conversation in hallways, you will receive one of three responses when asking the question ‘how's it going’? 
Let me translate what the responder actually means. 
It’s good” - “I could care less about this place. I’ve been on Facebook and Gchat for about 5 hours straight. Now please get out of my way so I can eat some of Leslie’s pound cake she left in the kitchen before those fatties in IT get their sausage fingers all over it.”
“BUSY!” – “I want you to think I work REALLY hard. Yes, I stay at work until 8pm every single day and totally neglect my family/personal time because I believe it gives the perception that I work REALLY hard and am REALLY important. But in actuality I’m terribly inefficient and not really smart cause if I was I could get my work done much quicker and do a blog post on the side all within an 8 hour day.”
“It’s ok” –“Please ask me what’s wrong. I need some positive male attention in my life. I’ve thrown in the towel on my New Year’s resolutions already. My boyfriend/husband told me I’m getting fat.  And I’ve just housed some Chipotle alone at my desk while reading TMZ and saying things like ‘that’s too skinny’ to nobody in particular.”


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Don't be a Pussy

by Jericho

Giving someone parental advice is basically like giving them sex advice. When someone walks up to you at fucking Trader Joe’s or some place and says something like, “Oooh, a cookie at 3pm. Aren’t you brave! I’d never give any of my kids sweets between meals” it’s basically like walking up to a couple, eyeing the chick from head to toe, turning to the dude and pronouncing, “you ever try fucking her from behind with one leg in the air and one leg on the bed? With a frame like that you should really be getting some cirque du soleil pussy.” No one on earth would ever do the latter, so don’t do the former. That’s a long take-this-shit-with-a-grain-of-salt preface for this: I’m raising a boy and I really think raising a boy comes down to teaching him four things: 1. Be kind. 2. Be gracious. 3. Don’t be a pussy. 4. Don’t be a dick. If my kid does those four things in life, then I feel like I’ve done my job. And by the way, I mean you really should fuck her from behind with one leg in the air and one leg on the bed – that’s just common sense.