Thursday, November 29, 2007

3 Apples and 2 Moustaches

"They've been targeting him for three years now," Antrell Rolle told The AP.

Without a suspect in the shooting of Sean Taylor don’t you think Rolle’s statements are pretty asinine? I know they were boys but Rolle should definitely be brought in for questioning if he knows so much. And be damned careful with what he says.

Dolph Lundgren’s MySpace page:

But if you misspell it, here is Dolph Lungren’s MySpace page:

We were trying to brainstorm things to write about in today’s post…here is an actual suggestion from Jericho:

“Let’s do an interview with Alex Smith's vagina. You ask me questions and I’ll be his vagina.”

Top Ten headlines you’re likely to see in 2008

  1. Fantasia, Jordin Sparks in torrid lesbian affair
  2. Satan reveals pact with Tony Romo, nobody surprised
  3. Frank Gore played the entire 2007 NFL season with a broken neck
  4. Rosie O’Donnell signed to play third base for the Giants
  5. Boston gets MLS team, title automatically awarded
  6. Jesus sighting turns out to be Jack White
  7. Ricky Williams gets Dolphins mascot high, eats Ted Ginn Jr.
  8. Google/Google edges Clinton/Obama for 2008 presidential ticket
  9. O.J. Simpson admits guilt but plans to fight himself in court
  10. Heidi Montag grows penis out of forehead, Spencer remains by her side

Fuck Yeah – James Franco and Mila Kunis doing Justin Bobby and Audrina on The Hills

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

A&M give thanks - by Magglio and Jericho

Thank you Patrick Dempsey for choosing to star in enchanted proving without a shadow of a doubt that you are in fact a tremendous pussy and not cool as our girlfriends want to make us believe.

Thank you Amy Poehler for being one funny bitch. An interesting thing has happened on SNL these days; the women are way funnier than the men (except of course for Kennan Thompson). Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, and Poehler keep on keeping on. (I wish I could pull off a 'you go girl' without sounding like Ricki Lake circa 1996…now would totally be the appropriate time.)

Thank you Beyonce for that unbelievably ridiculous DirectTV "Upgrade" commercial - the part when you quickly turn to the camera and have a gold "Upgrade" medallion in your mouth is easily the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. By all means, keep saying yes to everything, I want you in a Taco Bell commercial, "run for the border ya'll, get you some nachos" - in an adult diaper commercial, "more cotton for you bottom, mo' foo foo fo' yo' poo poo" - keep it coming, we need you Beyonce.

Thank you Notre Dame for not firing Charlie Weis and in so doing giving your millions of haters another great reason to hate you: racism. For years you’ve been obnoxious, ostentatious, loved by millions and hated by hundreds of millions. Let’s hope that last number gets to a billion.

Thank you Kanye West for referencing Rosie Perez's Double D's. Someone had to say something. Sure it's about 15 years too late but let us never forget.

Thank you Philidelphia and Pittsburgh for reminding us that the NFL season is not a forgone conclusion. Will the Dolphins win this season? Yes. Will the Patriots lose this season? Probably not, but at least we’re reminded that it’s still a possibility.

Thank you to the idiotic landlord who sent me the following response when I asked if her apartment had a dishwasher and / or a washer and dryer: Dishwasher, shared w/dryer negotiable. What the fuck does that mean? There’s a dishwasher but you have to share it with the other tenants? Is it in the basement? Is there a washer? How is the dryer negotiable? Is that even possible? There’s a washer but if you want to use the dryer you have to bargain with me? I’m brimming with curiosity and joy about this.

Thank you Washington for the beat down you’re about to put on Hawaii this weekend. It will finally bring the Rainbows down to earth and end the BCS madness once and for all. Wait…what? No it won’t. Missouri is still #1, UCLA could potentially play in the Rose Bowl and South Florida looks primed to play in the Chik-A-Fil-A bowl. We need a college playoff system!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Thoughts on...

Patrick Willis
We are witnessing greatness. If Patrick Willis doesn’t make the Pro Bowl I will personally show up at Jimmy, Howie and J.B.’s respective houses to hand out some knuckle sandwiches.

Side note: Jimmy, Howie and J.B. have nothing to do with Pro Bowl voting but it sure would feel good to punch those guys.

Missouri Tigers…the #1 team in college football
This is the equivalent of going to your 10-year high school reunion and learning that one of your female classmates is now a male. Then watching as he/she dances with your former math teacher and proceeds to make out with said math teacher on the dance floor. Nobody wants to see this shit. Nobody.

Fred Claus
We were duped. Vince Vaughn, Rachel Weisz, Paul Giammati, Kathy Bates, Kevin Spacey…this had to be good right? Wrong. I know what you’re thinking…I’m an idiot. You’re right.

Bee Movie
Eh. It was OK. It was equivalent to Cars…good, funny at times, dragged on a bit too long, pretty weak in the end. Like sex in a hot tub. Or any of the Saved by the Bell movies.

Mike Nolan
Anyone who thinks the Niners’ head coach should be fired is out of line. A great stat came up during the game yesterday, the Niners have won their last 5 (now 6) overtime games. This surprised me. They’re terrible in every other category, what makes them succeed in this one? I think you chalk it up to good coaching. The Niners don’t give up. And when it’s close they generally don’t blow it. Will they get blown out and embarrass themselves consistently? Yes. But will they stop trying hard? I don’t think so.

Sean Taylor
This is devastating. Just devastating. A&M’s thoughts go out to Taylor’s family. What a tragedy. And to think he was only 24 years old. I don’t want to judge before the truth comes out…but something doesn’t feel right about this. I don’t know if it was the girlfriend or revenge but I don’t think Taylor’s death is a random act of burglary.

To remember the better times…check this out.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Football Hangover: 11/26/07

Fantasy Fuck Yous: Fuck You, Reggie Bush. Fuck You, Lee Evans.

And with that, my fantasy year comes to a very unceremonious close. What a pathetic, depressing year. Although when you draft guys named Drew, Sean and Lee with 3 out of your first 4 picks and you’re not forming an all girl country western band, you get what you deserve. Drew, Sean and Lee, those are bitch names! Remember in Boogie Nights when Jack says, “those are great names!” My fantasy team was a lot like that, only exactly the opposite.

I realize that everything you can possibly say about Brett Favre has been said 1000 times at this point, and that I’ll sound like every announcer in the world in the following paragraph, but after watching Brett carve up the Lions on Thursday I have to say this one thing: has a QB ever thrown the quick slant as well as Brett? It’s incredibly, amazingly effective, like MJ’s turn around, Kareem’s sky hook or Lance Bass’ spread eagle. If the D gives Brett’s receivers a 5 yard cushion he’ll throw a quick slant for 9 every time; sometimes more if the receiver can make the first guy miss (which Jennings, Driver and Jones can and do). When Brett is hot and the offensive is churning along it’s incredible to watch.

The Patriots saw first hand against the Iggles why it’s so difficult to go undefeated. Forget injuries, worrying about the playoffs, the malaise of a regular season all but decided; the hardest part is that you get everyone’s best game. The Eagles, who before this game looked like they could give a shit and would rather be smoking the good stuff with Britt Reid than taking orders from Andy, played out of their fucking minds on Sunday. To the Pats’ credit, they never look flustered or confused, and there was never a moment when you thought that the Eagles could actually pull this off, but still…

Stick a fork in Eli, seriously, he’s done.

I don’t understand the battle between the league, Comcast, DirectTV the NFL Network and all the other things that Bob Costas talks about well enough to have an intelligent opinion, but here’s what I can take from it: the owners don’t give a fuck about the fans and will screw us at the drop of a hat. Shouldn’t the definition of licensing agreement really read: “confusing, amorphous term invented by football owners to screw their most ardent fans out of more money.”

My three favorite things to do on Monday morning:
1) Check the weekly box office
2) Taunt homeless people by saying “yes, absolutely” when they ask for money and then keep walking
3) Check to see how the Sunday Morning countdown guys did on their weekly NFL picks because it’s fun to see how I stack up against geniuses like Emmitt, Key and Mort.

Honestly, how stupid are Key, Emmitt and Mort? In that same sense, how much smarter are Key, Emmitt and Mort than Bradshaw, Howie and Jimmie? How much cooler are Key, Emmitt and Mort than Shannon Sharpe, Marino and Boomer? I ask these rhetorical questions to raise two points 1) the ESPN NFL countdown show is the only one that is remotely watchable and 2) I can’t fucking watch the ESPN NFL countdown show anymore.

When was the decision made that guys on countdown shows had to be friends? Who said, “you know, football isn’t selling anymore, our guys need to be entertainers.” Guess what, football is entertaining! Talk about fucking football! I don’t give a fuck if Bill Cowher likes Dan Marino, in fact I’m rooting for Cowher to bite Marino’s nose off and then spit it in Sharpe’s face, I don’t want to hear them laugh and make fun of each other, tell inside jokes and have a 90 minute game of grab ass! Tell me about injuries, match ups, playoff implications, strengths, weaknesses, weather, and shit talking between teams; that’s it and that’s all. If I have to look at Berman’s dumb face as he introduces another retarded segment of “The Mayne Event” as Key gives Emmitt shit about not being able to catch fish, I’m going to blow my head off. And for the record, “No, Mort, God Bless YOU!”

I told you to keep away from four teams this year: The Giants, Vikings, Jags and Chiefs. The combined record of the four: 24-20. Not so good.

I told you to watch four teams this year: Cowboys, Packers, Broncos and Steelers. The combined record of the four: 32-11. Decent. That number will get better after the Steelers sodomize Miami on national TV tonight.

Shaun Alexander Watch:
The Bet: 1500 yards and 15 tds
Season So Far: 492 yards and 2 tds
Projection: 984 yards and 4 tds

Now he’s hurt too. This is shaping up to be the worst bet I ever made. Way worse than that time I bet Magglio $30 he wouldn’t wear a woman’s thong for a solid week.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving

Well, here we are. On the brink of the Holiday season. In 24 short hours we’ll be inundated with food, family and forced fun. Can you feel the excitement in the air? The correct answer is yes. Today does feel different. A few random observations on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Parking spots!
San Francisco becomes a ghost town on all major holidays (except for Halloween when we flaunt our weirdness.) The streets open up and parking no longer is the first thought on your mind when you go from place to place. It’s a beautiful thing. If you live here you totally get what I’m saying. If you don’t then stop calling it ‘Frisco, pay attention when you get off the cable cars, sidewalks are meant for walking not standing, tip the homeless and learn how to drive damn it!

Wednesday Night Plans
Traditionally, the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is one of the biggest party nights of the year. It’s a different type of party however. This isn’t the stay local, find a bar, and go to dinner sort of gathering. This is the back in town, hang out with high school friends, get drunk and sneak by your parents when you get home even though you’re a grown up now and there’s no reason to hide your drinking problem sort of party. It’s like a mini reunion with old friends. Who got fat? Who’s still stuck in high school glory days? Who’s gonna drive?

Yeah, good luck. Everything you read and hear about travel is not only true but grossly understated. It’s ugly out there. Everyone is moving at the same time. If you’re not traveling today, be thankful. If you are, what are you doing reading this blog? Get on the road damn it!

Final note: Good luck on Friday to Menlo-Atherton. They play Aragon at 7pm at Foothill College in the CCS Playoffs. Rip them to bits, MA.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A Moustache, An Apple and Word Games with Magglio

I’m a big proponent of opening doors for people. Men or women, I just feel like it’s a cool, classy thing to do. With that said, my new building has a revolving door and I can’t figure out what's considered proper revolving door etiquette. When you arrive at the same time should you a) let them go first, or b) go first, but push really hard so that the door moves for them and they don’t have to do anything? Can we get a definitive ruling on this?

If Notre Dame doesn’t fire Charlie Weis after this season then they will unequivocally prove that Tyrone Willingham’s firing was racially motivated. Now granted, Willingham had a rough final two years, going 11-11 and losing 5 games by at least 30 points. That was bad, real bad, but consider these nuggets from Weis’ 2007 team:

- The worst start ever (2-9)
- The most losses in a season ever (9)
- Two of the ten worst losses ever (38-0 losses to both Michigan and USC)
- The first 6-game home losing streak in school history
- Lost to both Navy and Air Force, the first time ND has lost to two military academies in the same season since 1944.

Willingham’s last two years were bad; this year has been absolutely catastrophic. Ty never fit in at ND, his hiring was a surprise and he never seemed to mesh with the rich, conservative, comb-over-white-guy mentality of Notre Dame. His firing raised lots of questions about race but they quickly lost steam and eventually faded away. If ND keeps Weis after this irritated butthole of a season, the race discussion should be reopened. This would be indisputable evidence that Weis is keeping his job only because he's white. Why is nobody talking about this?

Word association with Maglio
I sent a word or a phrase to Magglio over IM asking him to react. These are his unedited responses:

John Mayer:
Falls into the 'dooshbag but nails hot chicks' category along with Nick Carter, Adam Lavine, Adam Duritz, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. The sad thing is, I've heard he's actually a good musician...but it's hard to get past his stupid face. Isn't it?

Writer’s Strike:
First of all...I don't want to waste my energy trying to understand it. Secondly, will this delay The Office or Heroes? That's all I care about. At least Sportscenter remains pure.

Indian Food:

Guys with girl names like Kelly or Ashley:
Unfortunate? Yes. Destined for greatness? Perhaps. Let's dig a bit deeper here. How many dudes do you know named Kelly or Ashley? Not many right? But there's quite a few in the public eye. Kelly Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Ashley Lelie, Ashley Parker Angel (wow, so weak) for example. Does this constitute a trend? No. Do those guys get picked on their entire lives? Of course. Does the website exist? Absolutely.

Grey’s Anatomy:
I'll be honest, I've stopped watching. I just don't care anymore. Kate Walsh is off the show, Dr. Burke is fighting the Bionic Woman and Meredith looks too much like Renee Zellweger. But I was in Seattle last weekend and I made endless jokes such as "Do you think McDreamy gets his crepes here?" or "If only Izzy knew about this park, her mind would be free again!" or "I wonder if George got the train run on him down that alley."

Boston Red Sox:
Fuck Boston. Fuck Kevin Garnett. Fuck Bill Simmons. Fuck Bruce Springsteen (same thing right?) Fuck the Wahlbergs both Donnie and Marky Mark. Fuck chicks who wear pink Sox hats. Fuck Dane Cook. Fuck Ben Affleck. And fuck Tom Brady. (He sure is dreamy though)

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Football Hangover: 11/19/07

Fantasy Fuck Yous: Fuck You, Reggie Bush. Fuck You, Plaxico Burress. Fuck You, Patrick Crayton. Fuck You, L.J. Smith.

And on behalf of Magglio, myself and 200,000 other fantasy owners, FUCK YOU, SANTANA MOSS. Ah, that feels a little better. A little. (every person who has ever played fantasy football is nodding right now, no other explanation needed.)

By far the two dominant stories this year have been 1) how scary good the Patriots are, and 2) the resurgence of two signature franchises, the Cowboys and the Pack. Both are great stories, both are true. But the flip side of those three great teams is how fucking awful the rest of the league is. Can you remember this many shitty teams in one year? I see the league essentially breaking down into four categories:

The really, really good teams (4):

The kinda good teams that will get absolutely murdered in the playoffs by one of the really, really good teams (9):

The dog shit teams (5):

The elephant shit teams (14):

How did we get to this point? I watched the GB / CAR game on Sunday and I have never seen a team play lazier or less inspired than CAR did. Un fucking believable. Hey, John Fox, enjoy being the D coordinator at Houston or San Diego next year, should be fun!

I think we’re heading towards an unprecedented offseason where as many as 8 head coaching jobs will be open, here’s my thoughts on who goes and how.

WASH: Joe Gibbs, retired
PHI: Andy Reid: step down (really fired, but they’ll let him save face)
CAR: John Fox, fired
SEA: Mike Holmgren: retired
SF: Mike Nolan fired (not sure I agree w/ this, but they’re worse than when he took over, that can’t be argued)
BAL: Brian Billick, fired (do you ever wonder if anyone ever confuses Brian Billick with Bill Belichick b/c their names sound so familiar? And perhaps the better question, would Billick correct them? Can’t you see him going on for hours about how proud he is of the NE organization, how much he loves having Brady, etc?)
CIN: Marvin Lewis, fired
SD: Norv Turner, fired (he inherited the most talented team in the league and he’s barely .500. Thanks, Norv! Enjoy being the offensive coordinator at Buffalo next year!)

There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that Brady and Moss watched the Cowboy game yesterday and said, “Fuck Romo and T.O., I bet we can do that shit in the first half.” 100% gurarantee that happened. But this raises a different question, who would you rather have on your team, Moss or T.O.? Watching the highlights of the Dallas game and then watching the first of the Brady / Moss show, I was struck by one thing: Whenever T.O. gets a touchdown he’s always wide open, whenever Moss gets one he’s in traffic. I’m not sure what that says about either, or if it sways the debate in one direction or the other, but it’s worth noting. I think if you were to grade the two, it would look something like this:

T.O. = B
Moss = A+

T.O. = B+
Moss = B+

Jumping ability:
T.O. = B+
Moss = A+

Run after catch:
T.O. = A+
Moss = B

Toughness (blocking, getting out of jams, going over middle, etc)
T.O. = B+
Moss = B

T.O. = A++
Moss = A+

T.O. = A
Moss = A

Thoughts? Who would you take?

I told you to keep away from four teams this year: The Giants, Vikings, Jags and Chiefs. The combined record of the four: 22-18. Not so good.

I told you to watch four teams this year: Cowboys, Packers, Broncos and Steelers. The combined record of the four: 29-10. Decent. That number will get better after Vince Young has diarrhea on national TV for four straight quarters tonight.

Shaun Alexander Watch:
The Bet: 1500 yards and 15 tds
Season So Far: 492 yards and 2 tds
Projection: who cares?

This is shaping up to be the worst bet I ever made. Way worse than that time I bet Magglio he couldn’t get our middle-aged, balding, creepy lisp English teacher to blow him.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Thoughts on things and stuff

Fantasy Karma:
I’m not going to make the playoffs in Fantasy Football. It sucks. But that’s not my point. As a responsible GM I think when you get to this point in the season there are two general rules you must follow; 1) you have to continue setting your lineup every week. Nobody likes a GM who's thrown in the towel and lays down for an easy victory against teams still in contention. Setting your lineup is your responsibility in the quest for ultimate sports knowledge. 2) you cannot trade any of your players. One of the first place teams in my league is in desperate need of a QB…I am currently holding Hasselbeck and Brees. There is no conceivable situation where I can responsibly trade either of these guys. I don’t stand to gain anything. It would be bad fantasy karma and I need all I can get these days.

I take it back.
There is a gayer movie this holiday season than Enchanted. It’s called August Rush and it potentially is the pinnacle of RTs. A genius boy separated from his parents tries to find them by learning music and playing the songs he grew up with. Holy shit. I’m not going to ruin the absurdity of the trailer...It’s worth seeing yourself…if nothing more than Robin Williams. Jericho chimed in on the Robin Williams issue:

“Don't you feel like there are 5 of him? He has a bunch of clones. One does stand up, one does bad movies, one is a heroin addict in the tenderloin and the other two just fuck each other all day in a hot tub.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Word association with Jericho
This was a fun way to pass the time at work. I sent a word or a phrase to Jericho asking him to react. These are his unedited responses:

Rumer Willis:
“A good lookin’ dude”

Resse Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal having lunch at The Slanted Door on Monday:
“Not sure which one I want to fuck more. Not sure there'd be any difference.”

Zahara Jolie:
“12lbs away from being the heaviest woman in her family.”

Kevin Durant:
“Your favorite basketball team drafting Kevin Durant and then announcning that they're moving to Oklahoma is akin to a prisoner on death row discovering that he's the greatest whistler the world has ever known.”

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only theleft hand:
“I'm hungry. Don't bug me with that shit.”

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Hindsight is 20/20, especially when revisiting an NFL draft. And we wouldn’t even be having this discussion if Matt Leinart didn’t decide to return for his senior season at USC. But remember when the Niners were deciding between Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers? I still don’t know if they chose the right QB but I do know this…they didn’t pick the best player at Number 1. Let’s look at who else they passed up in the draft.

Shawn Merriman (12th overall) – Maryland - Linebacker
One of the top 5 best defensive players in the NFL today, Merriman would have been a force alongside Julian Peterson (assuming we would have kept him), Derek Smith and Jeff Ulbrich. And have you seen Merriman play? This is the kind of guy an entire fan base can rally behind. When was the last time everyone in the stands kept their eye on a single 49er defender, waiting to see the knockout? Ronnie Lott. (If you said Nate Clements you were wrong. Take your $90 million and go home.)

Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones (6th overall) – West Virginia – Cornerback
This would have solved the return man problems that have plagued the Niners for years as well as allowed them to cut Ahmed Plummer a full year earlier. And maybe, just maybe, Pacman Jones would have taken in the San Francisco vibe and learned to love one another, and appreciate his fellow man (or stripper.)

Roscoe Parrish – (55th overall) – Miami – Wide Receiver
Not a very good player but a really cool name. A lot cooler than Alex Smith.

Alex Smith – (71st overall) – Stanford – Tight End
Not a cool name and not really a good player, but not as bad as the original Alex Smith.

Frank Gore – (65th overall) – Miami – Running back
Oh wait. We did draft Frank Gore. Nice pick guys.

Lofa Tatupu (45th overall) – USC – Linebacker
An undersized linebacker who hits like a freight train, has a name like a line of female bath products and a member of the National Champion USC Trojans? And this guy slips to 45th? This is like passing up on the new kid from Kenya when picking marathon teams in the 3rd grade. (I’m sorry Abuntu I should’ve picked you. But you were different. And that scared me.)

Tom Brady (133rd overall) – Michigan - Quarterback
Ok, this one isn’t entirely fair cause Brady was drafted in the 2000 draft but the Niners did in fact take another QB that year; Giovanni Carmazzi from Hofstra in the 3rd Round. Granted, Carmazzi was dating a Playboy playmate but so was Jim Drukenmiller and both are selling real estate right now with Heath Shuler while hob knobbing with the good ol’ boys. The fact that the Niners passed on Brady, a San Mateo native who grew up a big Niners fan, is a catastrophe.

Side note: Marc Bulger and Adalius Thomas were also selected in the 6th round of the 2000 draft.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Football Hangover: 11/12/07

  • Fantasy Fuck Yous: Anquan Boldin (65 yards and 0 TDs over the last 2 weeks)
  • Ok, I’m taking it back. A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila is a stupid show. BUT, that first episode when the all of the chicks were parading around in their little outfits…now that was quality TV. (What does this have to do with the Monday Football Hangover? Nothing.)
  • Merrill Hodge is full of shit. His power rankings after this week have the Steelers at number 1ahead of New England. What? I see what’s going on here; the league is such a runaway that in order to make it interesting somebody has to stir the pot. Hogwash. The Pats are the best team in the league. This isn’t even a debate. Remember when NFL Live was all about analysis, statistics and highlights? Damn it I miss Suzy Kolber and Ron Jaworski.
  • Marshawn Lynch is a beast. With Adrian Peterson going down with an injury I think Lynch has a legitimate chance to get the offensive rookie of the year. Despite having only one 100-yard game, Lynch is on pace to rush for over 1,300 yards and 11 TDs. And that’s behind a depleted offensive line and a quarterback who played at Tulane. It's great to see Lynch being the NFL player we all thought he'd be.
  • Is there going to be a gayer movie this holiday season than 'Enchanted' staring Patrick Dempsey? Didn’t think so.
  • In checking the NL Rookie of the Year votes, it doesn’t look like Tim Lincecum got a single vote. This is a travesty. (The last SF Giant to win the award? John Montefusco, 1975.) Before I expound upon the stupidity of the MLB voters can someone please confirm that Lincecum actually was a rookie this season? Baseball has crazy rules when it comes to what constitutes a rookie season. Anyone? Josh? Ryan?
  • See, this is why Jericho usually handles the Football Hangover article on Mondays.

0 for 5...sweet

Just a quick thought on this “almost Thanksgiving break” Monday morning. I’ve always wanted to try this. When I go to place sports bets I should do exactly the opposite of what I’m thinking. Seriously. On Friday I made 5 predictions:

  • Cal beats #17 USC by 10 and puts together their most complete game of the season.
  • Wake Forest upsets # 21 Clemson
  • #16 Hawaii dismantles Fresno St.
  • UCLA shocks #9 ASU, handing them their 2nd consecutive loss
  • Louis Rankin and Washington put the beat down on Oregon State in Corvallis

I was wrong on all 5 of them. Granted some of them were a big stretch (UCLA beating ASU) but others were just plain stupid (Cal beating USC). This is why I don’t bet on sports.

Tonight’s Monday Night Football game is going to be a huge stink fest. I think the Seahawks will win handedly. The 49ers have the worst offense in the NFL. I would bet on the Seahawks and give 10 points. But, let’s try my new theory…I’ll take the Niners and the 10 points tonight.

More to come later today…

Friday, November 9, 2007

3 Apples and 2 Moustaches for a TGIF

The most ridiculous commercial on TV right now is by Applebee’s with the talking apple. Are you kidding me with this shit? Did a 2003 junior ad team concept this idea? A guy is texting with friends when a shit talking apple appears. (voiced by none other than Wanda Sykes). She berates him for not hanging out with his friends. Next, we see him and his perfectly balanced group of friends (an Asian, a white guy and an Indian?) having a grand old time at Applebee’s. The apple? Sitting with them at the booth, continuing to talk shit. Is this your best effort Applebee’s? Really? This may be worse than the Olive Garden commercials.

Best lines from Kanye West’s new song entitled “Barry Bonds”:

“And I don't practice
and I don't lack shit
And you can get Barried
Suck my bat bitch”

Fearless College Football Predictions this week:

  • Cal beats #17 USC by 10 and puts together their most complete game of the season.
  • Wake Forest upsets # 21 Clemson
  • #16 Hawaii dismantles Fresno St.
  • UCLA shocks #9 ASU, handing them their 2nd consecutive loss
  • Louis Rankin and Washington put the beat down on Oregon State in Corvallis


True stat. This season rookie James Jones, a third-round pick from San Jose State, has more catches (29 to 18) and more yards (432 to 320) and the same amount of scores (2) than the number 2 overall pick in the draft Calvin Johnson. Calvin Johnson was the can’t miss player of the draft and James Jones was a projected 5th rounder. This will be an interesting career comparison to watch. Certainly Jones is benefiting from being the 3rd receiver on Favre’s pass happy team but Johnson should be excelling in Detroit with Kitna and Roy Williams to guide him. This isn’t Braylon Edwards going to a shitty Browns team or Anquan Boldin joining an inept Cardinals offense as a rookie, this is a big time prospect joining a high powered offense. (Side note: both Edwards and Boldin had different rookie results. Edwards floundered for most of his inaugural season while Boldin put up gawdy numbers. Both are now elite WRs.) The real test will be in a few years from now when Aaron Rodgers is throwing the ball to Jones who will most likely be the number 2 WR, with Driver retiring and Jennings being number 1.

Regardless, fuck the Packers and the Lions.

Go Niners!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Apples & Moustaches' First Annual Screenplay Contest

As scary as this may sound, our writing remit is not just limited to bad blog posts, we also write bad poetry, bad short stories, even bad screenplays. To honor the art of the bad screenplay, A&M recently held our first annual screenplay contest, click here to read the original announcement. Gotcha. While the winners were rewarded with good cheer and a coupon for $10 worth of Magglio’s famous chocolate bunny ears, the losers, aka, the worst scripts submitted will be further humiliated by having their work showcased here. Below, please find the 5 worst scripts by category and an interview with the grand prize loser, Katherine McFinney about her script, “The Switched On Heart.”

Category / Genre: Romance
Script: Building A Bridge For the Innocent
Writer: C.L. Paul

Category / Genre: Drama
Script: The Butter and The Butter Knife
Writer: Percy Cockswallow

Category / Genre: Sci Fi / Horror
Script: Nightmare on the Fisty Plains
Writer: Hanna Planderton

Category / Genre: Thriller / Crime
Script: Red Eyes
Writer: H.A. Ross

Category / Genre: Comedy
Script: Balls and Bush Willows
Writer: Jim McMahon

Transcript of interview with grand prize winner (loser) Katherine McFinney:

(To make this extra fun, we actually told Katherine that her script was chosen as the best in the entire contest, she has no idea that her script was dog shit and that we’re just making fun of her, isn’t that great?)

A&M: Katherine, thanks for taking the time to speak with us today and congratulations on writing such a unique piece of fiction.

KM: Thank you, thank you so much.

A&M: For those who haven’t had the distinct experience of reading it, can you quickly summarize what “The Switched On Heart” is about?

KM: Of course! The script is essentially a romantic comedy, but with a little hint of melodrama and medical expose. Think Serendipity with a little bit of Grey’s Anatomy and Erin Brocovich thrown in.

A&M: Oooohhhh! Walk us through the plot.

KM: A really successful businessman named Chris Smith is heartbroken when his fiancĂ© Susannah leaves him at the altar. In order to numb the pain of his loss, he buries himself in his work, completely blocking out his friends and family. One night, while working extra, super hard to close a very important merger he has a major, major heart attack. His cardiologist, Missy Peters, looks at the X-rays and tells Chris that his heart is broken beyond repair and that he needs to have an emergency transplant. Chris gets the heart of Andy Michaels, a rich entrepreneur and adventurer who just died in a boating accident. After Chris recovers he finds that he’s having dreams about a woman he doesn’t know and is inexplicably compelled to find her and marry her. As Chris does a little research he discovers that the woman is Cindy Taylor, the high school crush of Andy Michaels, the man who’s heart is now beating in Chris’ chest! This discovery sends Chris on a spiritual and emotional quest to find Cindy and in doing so answers the question about how much our hearts really do feel.

A&M: Wow! That is rich, emotional, deep and rich. Who would you say your target demographic for this script is?

KM: Thank you. Well, I think that women will respond pretty well to the romantic comedy angle but there’s a lot in there for men to like too. The search for love, the quest to find out what is real and the trials we have to go through in order to acquire the knowledge and good sense to actually listen, not just hear but listen to our hearts are universal themes that I think everyone will respond to.

A&M: (silence)

KM: I mean, look at “How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days,” “Failure to Launch” or “The Wedding Planner” those movies were great b/c they spoke to everyone, even though they seemed to be targeted towards women.

A&M: All great films. Also good arguments for the pussy side in a “is McConaughey a pimp or a pussy?” debate.

KM: Well…

A&M: Let’s talk about the writing process. Where do you get your ideas? How do you know you’ve got an idea that will make a good screenplay?

KM: I’m inspired by beautiful scenery, the people around me, and in finding the most interesting and direct way to –

A&M: Remove a man’s testicles?

KM: No, I was going to say, connect the audience directly to my heart.

A&M: Ah. So how do you know when you have a screenplay and not just a good idea? I’m guessing there’s a lot of crying and girl hugging involved.

KM: Well, I know my own heart better than anyone, so when I’ve really found the link, when I can see my dreams and myself clearly on the page, sure there’s some tears.

A&M: Fair enough. Any advice to the young writers out there trying to connect audiences with their own hearts?

KM: You know the old adage that says you have to love yourself before you can love someone else?

A&M: Wasn’t McConaughey in that?

KM: Well, it’s not a movie yet, but it could be.

A&M: Oh boy, look what I’ve done. Sorry, male population!

KM: I think the old adage is true of writing as well. You can’t expect to get into someone else’s head, to convey what their heart thinks and feels until you can do the same for yourself. I always start my scripts in a journal and recommend other writers do the same.

A&M: Is it necessary for the journal to have cats on it?

KM: I’m sorry?

A&M: Nothing, just making sure we’re covering everything. So, in closing, anything you’d like to add as the innagurual winner of the Apples & Moustaches’ Screenplay Contest?

(editor’s note, Katherine then spoke for roughly 15 minutes about her heart, my heart, your heart, everyone’s heart and how her heart was hurting b/c it was so full of connection and joy just knowing that other hearts were out there and that they were open to love and interested in hope and aware of other hearts and wanted to connect and share dreams and be together. A summary of her response is below).

KM: (getting teary)

Women blah hearts blah connect blah find blah tears blah puss blah blah blah.

A&M: Wow! That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. That was the biggest display of estrogen I’ve seen since Dick Vermeil retired. Thanks for your time Katherine and congratulations on winning this prestigious award.

KM: (microphone turned off)

In related news, “The Switched On Heart” was just optioned by Paramount for five million dollars, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Megan Fox, Matthew McConaughey and Paul Walker have agreed to star and Katherine McFinney has signed an eight-picture deal.

Fuck me in the ear.

I've got reservations about reservations...

My wife’s birthday is coming up and I want to take her to someplace nice for dinner. She’s been really excited about trying Quince again. We went there once a couple years ago and had an incredible time. This is one of those restaurants that’s more of an experience than just a good meal. It’s usually a 2-4 hour event, the service is flawless and the food is ridiculously creative. There’s only about 4 or 5 of these types of restaurants in San Francisco; the elite restaurants. My mind was made up, my only remaining hurdle was making the reservation.

So I call Quince. It’s midday on a Tuesday and the phone is busy. I call a few more times, still busy. Finally, I get through to a reservationist. She informs me that they only accept reservations a month in advance so I should call back exactly one month before we want to come in. No problem I say. “Our phone lines open at 10am,” she says. “Call at 10am,” she repeats.

Ok, ok, the reservationist loves her job, I tell myself. She wants to ensure all reservations are filled at all times. I was wrong. I called this morning at 10am and spent 25 minutes battling the rest of the universe to break through. I felt like I was dialing ticketmaster for Hannah Montana tickets. I finally got through, made a similar joke about ticketmaster, and requested a Saturday evening in December.

“Let’s see, we have a 5, 5:30, 9:00 or 10:00 available,” she tells me. What the fuck? All of the normal dinner times booked up in 25 minutes? This is getting out of control. The demand for these sittings is astronomical. How much would somebody pay for a prime 7:30pm dinner reservation on a Friday or Saturday night at an elite restaurant? There’s a business idea here.

Let’s open up an underground black market for reservations. We’ll call the moment reservations open up at Gary Danko, Quince, Slanted Door, Michael Mina, and French Laundry. We’ll squat on all of the best times and then we’ll resell them. How many well off individuals would easily pay $50 or $100 for a prime reservation at a top spot? There are buyers out there. We just need to carve out our nitch as sellers. And why can’t we expand this to hair appointments or doctor appointments? Don’t you hate making an appt. 3 months in advance. Wouldn’t you pay a little more for a better date and better time? This is huge.

Who’s coming with me?

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

10 things I’d like to be when I grow up…

As I sit at my desk today, my back and my eyes a little sore from being hunched over a keyboard for so long, I can’t help but wonder what else I’d rather be doing. So I started a list. A list of the 10 things I’d like to be when I grow up…

  1. David Beckham – no explanation needed.
  1. Portis - the guy who walks by my office window at least 5 times a day. This man is definitely “working the system”. He must be paid hourly. We call him Portis. Why? Well, you see, Portis is about 450lbs and he looks like he wants to hurt people. But deep down I’m sure he’s got a good heart. He doesn’t do much. Sometimes he’s carrying a box. Sometimes he’s pushing a cart. Sometimes, he’s just walking. It’s really a fantastic sight to witness. Portis is definitely living the life.
  1. A firetruck – Yes! Great one! (self-congrats) Shiny, red, loud and with flashing lights. People instantly notice you and move out of your way whenever you want them to. Kinda like Lindsay Lohan. But way tougher.
  1. Hiro Nakamura – Not only does he have good moral values and his cuddly demeanor wins the hearts of millions… but his name is the same as the title of his show. How crazy is that? Were we not supposed to notice? It’s like if Brandon Walsh happened to be named Brandon 90210. Or Tony Danza’s first name was Whosthe. Did the writers plan this so if he says (in an endearing Japanese accent) “But I want to be a Hero,” they have the option for a character to say, “but you are a Hero, Hiro.” Oh man, could you imagine?

Side note: Loyal reader, the above situation failed miserably. A&M would like to apologize for this pitiful attempt and would kindly request you continue reading. Thank you. –Management

  1. An iPhone – Wow. How cool would it be if I was an iPhone? With a tickle of my buttons I’d provide anyone with a wealth of information. I’d be really slim, totally popular and I’d fit in your pocket. Outstanding. A mass produced pocket sized Magglio. Imagine how much better your day would be if I could be with you all- day-long. At your disposal. Ready to play your favorite tune or put you in touch with a friend. This idea is huge. Let’s see if we can patent this one.
  1. A packet of soy sauce – think about it. It’s indestructible, it never goes bad and it brings a kick to your lunch every time. That would be cool.
  1. Curt Shilling – Let me start by saying that I can’t stand Curt Shilling. However, he’s a got a pretty good thing going. Shilling is old, overweight and incredibly rich. He doesn’t work very hard – starting pitchers only pitch every 5 days. And he just signed a massive $8 million contract. Plus a guy named Buster Olney is always hanging on your every last word. That in itself could be worth having such a dumb face.

Side note: Substituting Roger Clemens in the above situation would be perfectly acceptable as well.

  1. The angry little Pekinese who walks down my street every morning. Picture this situation. You wake up in your owner’s store, a zen-like liquor store/drug-front hybrid. Every morning at the same time the ritual begins. You are led down the street for your morning walk. Everyone stares at you and comments on how cute and fluffy you are. Neither you nor your sketchy owner cares. Why would you? You hear these sorts of things every day. About 2 blocks into your walk you arrive at your favorite tree shrub. You take a few sniffs, lift your leg and welcome in the morning. Your walk continues, someone tries to pet you, you growl, “don’t pet me bitch, I’m adorable.” You continue your leash free walk, sniffing, grunting, and waiting for treats. Now tell me, is this little man living the life or what? Come to think of it, I’m not sure I want to be him when I grow up per-se, but I thought he needed a shout-out on my blog. Moving on…
  1. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Probably Michelangelo. I’ve always wanted nunchucks.
  1. The starting first baseman for the 2008 San Francisco Giants. Why is that? Because we’re about to sign Alex Rodriquez, Barry Zito will snap back to form and Cain and Lincecum are going to do what they do best. Dominate. Fuck yeah. I want a World Series ring when I grow up.

Monday, November 5, 2007

The Football Hangover: 11/5/07

Fantasy Fuck Yous: Fuck You, Patrick Crayton. (That’s it, I had a fantastic week actually.)

Hats off to all the people who took the under and predicted a ball control, field position game in Indy yesterday. No, really, I can’t emphasize this enough, for all the people who predicted a playoff-like, control the clock, wait for the other team to make a mistake game yesterday, you know everything and you absolutely rule.

There are two types of QBs that win Super Bowls and we saw the defining version of each on the field yesterday, 1) the cocky, bigger-than-life superstar and 2) the affable, goofy, gym rat football nerd. Think about it, every QB that’s won a Super Bowl (and by “won” I mean played a crucial, definitive role, so guys like Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson don’t count) and they inevitably fit into one of these two categories. The cocky, bigger-than-life Brady is just like the Montanas, Elways, Favres and Aikmans of the world, teammates respond to him and rally around him because he’s the coolest guy in the room and knows it, but he’s vain in a friendly way, he knows all their wife’s names and stops to chat whenever he can. The affable, super, duper fucking nerd Peyton is just like the Youngs, Roethlisbegers and Warners of the world, teammates respond to him because he’s their incredibly gifted, nerdy younger brother, they probably put him in headlocks and give him wedgies, but would throw haymakers if anyone outside the circle did the same.

Look at this list you can put every winning QB into one of these categories.

I think we learned just as much about the Colts as we did about the Patriots on Sunday. They’re a physical defense, especially the corners, but you can still beat them with a physical running game and by taking a few shots down field. On offense, they badly need a healthy Marvin Harrison, if only to make the tough catch on third and 6. Wayne is a playmaker down the field and Clark can exploit matchups with linebackers, but if Harrison is out, who does Peyton trust on third down?

One last thought on Peyton and Brady, isn’t it interesting that these guys have completely switched roles since the last time they played? For years, Brady was the game manager, chipping away, nine minutes drives and final lines like 23-34, 191, 2, 0. Peyton was putting up massive numbers, throwing 45 times a game and causing million of fantasy owners to build shrines to his dumb mule-fucking face. In 2007 the roles have completely reversed, amazing.

I told you to keep away from four teams this year: The Giants, Vikings, Jags and Chiefs. The combined record of the four: 18-14. Whoops.

I told you to watch four teams this year: Cowboys, Packers, Broncos and Steelers. The combined record of the four: 21-8. Decent. That number will get better after PITT ear holes Baltimore tonight.

Shaun Alexander Watch:
The Bet: 1500 yards and 15 tds
Season So Far: 492 yards and 2 tds
Projection: 984 yards and 4 tds

Now he’s hurt too. This is shaping up to be the worst bet I ever made. Way worse than that time I bet Magglio that he couldn’t fit an entire can of chili up his ass. Watching Magglio prove me wrong was pretty bad, Shaun shitting himself for 17 straight weeks is worse.

Boy, did we fool 'em

Let me set the scene. Jericho and I have gathered in his backyard on an uncharacteristically balmy Sunday afternoon. We’ve got sausages on the grill, cold beers in our hands and the Patriots and Colts are about to kickoff. And where are our ladies?…. They’re in a heated discussion trying to figure out how many touchdowns Peyton Manning and Tom Brady will combine to throw in the game. Incredible isn’t it?

It all started innocently enough. We knew what we’d be facing: a four-hour block of intense playoff caliber football and the potential for bored, tired or otherwise uninterested significant others. Normally we would just let it go. We’d watch our game and let the girls do their thing. They’d feign interest early on and then resort to their trashy magazines. (Ok fine, I’ll admit it, I too love US Weekly, Star and OK Magazine…but not when there’s football on damnit!) But today something unusual happened; the girls cared about what was going on. You don’t usually find this sort of interest from girls in a football game unless it’s the playoffs, the local team or their alma matter who’s playing. But Manning vs. Brady piqued some interest. The GQ cover boy vs. the All-American goody-two-shoe commercial whore. We had the bait now we just had to hook ‘em.

We decided to set some spreads and place some bets and surprisingly the girls got really into it. We had the normal bets; over-under, overall winner and overall quarterback performance. But then as a group, we decided to mix up the propositions just a bit:

  • How many references of Gisele would there be? (1.5 was the spread, 0 was the actual.)
  • How many QB comparison charts would be shown during the game? We set the over under at 4.5 it turned out to be 3.
  • How many times would Eli, Archie or their nameless brother be shown on camera? 1.5 was the spread, 0 was the actual.
  • How many one-handed grabs would Moss make? (0.5 was the spread, you won if you took the over.)
  • How many times would a microphone catch Wes Welker yelling obscenities at the opposition? You won if you said more than once. That little man needs to take some anger management courses.

All-in-all the bets kept everyone involved. My wife won the competition correctly picking 5 out of the 8 bets. She was even itching to set some bets on the Sunday night game. This may seem silly and it may seem obvious but give it a shot. Pick a game, research some good story lines, try to interweave something in with an US Weekly headline and set some propositions. It’s fun for the whole family and best of all it leads you straight to the couch all-day-long.

Side note: I’ve got a nickname for Adrian Peterson. Robocop. He looks superhuman when he runs. He looks like a younger, faster, more evolved Eddie George. He looks like he could come out next Sunday with a late 80s space age helmet on and nobody would ask questions. Robocop. Let’s see if it sticks.

Friday, November 2, 2007

4 Apples & 4 Moustaches

Here’s a joke that always makes me laugh: “that guy’s nuttier than squirrel shit.” Much like chimps talking or any interview with Clay Aiken, that shit is funny every time.

I really think the Office has caught and passed 30 Rock this year. The shows were neck and neck last year, trading the title of “funniest show on TV” on a weekly basis. The Office has been in such a groove all year and 30 Rock seems to be forcing it a bit, maybe this will even out but The Office has a clear lead right now.

If you ask your gay brother to be a godparent to your kid, does he become a real-life “Fairy Godmother?”

It always cracks me up in movies when a hot girl says, “I can spend all night making love to you,” or something to that effect. The guy’s eyes always roll back and then he grabs her and kisses her passionately and it’s awesome. But you know in the back of his mind he’s thinking, “that’s awesome, thanks for saying that. Here’s what’s really going to happen: I’m going to fuck the hell out of you once and then fell asleep watching TV. You’re more than welcome to join. I think Cheers is on.”

Have you heard about the hot new porn that takes place at a law firm and features lawyers who have just passed the bar? The title: Barely Legal.

Call me crazy, and I may end up eating these words on Monday, but I really think the Colts / Pats game is going to be a ball-control, defensive battle. Both coaches respect the other team’s offenses too much to get into a shootout and they’ll both game plan to control field position, use the clock and keep the other offenses off the field. With that said, both teams will score a lot of points, but I think it’ll be more 26-24, than the 41-38 that everyone seems to be predicting. The O/U is 56.5 and I’m taking the under, we’ll see what happens.

How terrifying would it be to date someone like Alanis Morissette or Fiona Apple, a troubled, yet weirdly sexy chanteuse, knowing that every little argument or fight is going to end up as fodder for a troubled, yet weirdly sexy song? Apparently Alanis is putting the finishing touches on a new album that chronicles her breakup with Ryan Reynolds; he has to be a little freaked out right? Think of all the dumb, ultimately meaningless fights you have with your girl, can you imagine if they all turned into songs?

Pulled: the time she wasn’t in the mood, you got into a fight and then huffily announced you were going to the other room to jerk off

Orphan: You accidentally call her Aunt May “Aunt Ginnie” and her Aunt Ginnie “Aunt Whinnie” (even though in your mind you refer to both women as “Fat Cunt”)

Left Over: The day after a big Italian dinner you bring the leftovers with you for lunch without asking her first (even though she never eats leftovers and complained about never eating pasta again on the way home, but that never seems to make it into the fucking song, huh, Ryan?)

I love Lou Dobbs, I really do. I love how pissed his is, how he directly challenges Bush to fights on live TV, how he’s reinvented himself as a crusty, cantankerous muckraker. But lately his rants have been getting a little too crazy, consider his most recent rant about the wildfires in San Diego:

Like most Americans, I enjoy a good fire. It’s warm, warming and helps us cook our food, burn our waste and heat our homes. But I just have one question for the fires in San Diego: what America did you grow up in? Because in my America, fires heat houses they don’t burn them. In my America, fires are built in trashcans to warm the homeless they don’t make you homeless. It’s amazing isn’t? So listen here, fires, if you think you can put people on the streets and tie up our resources, you’re wrong. You may be hot now, but myself and all other decent Americans are cooling on you.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

3 Apples and 3 Moustaches

Colts vs. Pats, Sunday, 1:15 PST

(Insert the ‘in case you’ve been living under a rock the past week’ joke here). The Colts vs. Pats this Sunday should be everything we’re expecting. Two high powered offenses, two mastermind coaches and enough QB comparison graphics to make you choke. I think this game will be competitive until late in the 3rd quarter. The Pats defense will make some key stops and Brady will continue to pick apart the Colts’ secondary. Bob Sanders who? Prediction: Pats 38 – Colts 24

Damn it. Can Britney get any hotter?

It’s Nov. 1st, officially the start of sending, sharing and rarely using friends & family discounts. You’ll get emails and postcards. Some will be useful and others will be scams. Keep your head on a swivel and only pass along those that you think others would actually use. Because we already have enough bullshit junk mail this time of year. To start the season off right here’s a discount we’d like to pass along. From the Apples and Moustaches family to yours, 2007’s top selling sex toys at a seriously discounted price: click here

I’ve heard both sides of the A-Rod to the Giants argument. We have the cash but we don’t have the players to surround him. We are a big market team but he doesn’t care about that sort of thing (remember Texas?) A-Rod wants to play for a team that will aid in his pursuit of the all-time homerun record but AT&T Park is a difficult place to homer. This is the part of the argument that turns me on. If this isn’t another indication of Bonds’ overall domination in baseball than I don’t know what is. Bonds not only obliterated the all-time homerun record but he did it in one of the most difficult hitter’s parks in the league. And yes, we’re talking Giants baseball and Barry Bonds in November. On that note…

"You can either give it to us on the 40, or you can pitch to Barry Bonds.”
-Devin Hester, Chicago Bears

Who would you rather?
Cate Blanchett dressed as Bob Dylan or Patrick Swayze in that Wong Foo movie?