Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Straight Kicking It...

“And it’s a bitter sweet symphony…”

Who sang that? The Verve I think. Hmm. Let’s look it up. Yep, the Verve. Boy they were pretty gay weren’t they? Maybe I’ll make a sandwich. Maybe I’ll pet Patch for a while. Time to fire up the DVR and see if I have any Intervention episodes I’ve missed. Time to scratch my balls for an hour or so. Whose on TRL today? Oh nice. I think she’s “of age”.

Yep. This is what my life has come to. You see…I’m in between jobs. Jealous? Dude, you should be. I’m straight KICKING IT. The best part about being in between jobs is the responsibility free vacation. Sure, I’m not getting paid right now, and I’m expected to keep the house relatively in order…but other than that I have fuck all to do. I’m basically trying to plan my life around the Giants. Let’s see, 7:15pm first pitch, head to the bar at 6:50ish. Sounds perfect. What’s that? A Giants day game tomorrow?….perfect. Let’s scalp tickets and soak up the sun. Who sings that song? Oh right, Sheryl Crow. Boy, she’s weaker than the Verve….You can see how this goes. So, I thought I’d make a list. Ain’t got shit else to do!

The Top 10 things I hope to accomplish before I start my new job…in 3 weeks!

1. Decipher exactly what Kelis is talking about in the Milkshake song. I mean, why does she want to “warm it up?” Aren’t milkshakes best served cold? That’s confusing.

2. Watch or listen to every Giants game. Wait. This is an everyday goal of mine during baseball season. Maybe I’ll change this goal to attend at least 3 games. Nah, 4 games. That sounds better. Can you feel the stress free indecisiveness? It’s even permeating into this blog post. I think I’ll stop this list at 4. Who says I have to do 10? To hell with structure, format, rules. Is it a weekday? What day is today?

3. Play at least 3 hours of Nintendo Wii a day. See if I can secretly master the tennis game and then casually suggest Jericho and I play it next time we hang out. He’ll have no idea what hit him.

4. Build a fort in the house. Like, a badass fort. My wife will get home and she’ll have no idea where she is. She’ll think she was transported back to 17th century Rome and I’ll have a stadium built and Patch dressed as Russel Crowe from the Gladiator. “Good evening me Lady….”

5. Annoy family and friends by calling them incessantly while they’re at work. It’s incredible. I just called my sister. She was in “court”. Ooooh. I get it, you’re a lawyer. Wow, that sounds so important. Sucks to be working.

6. Write a letter to my local politician complaining. About something. I’m sure I’m miffed about something. Hmm….(thinking)….Nope. All’s good. Check this one off. See that? Making progress.

7. Finally commit myself to my pool game. Here’s something you should know about me and pool. I’m a fantastic pool player. I am truly one of the better pool players you’ve ever seen. But I’m mentally weak. That’s right. I dominate until it actually means something and then I shit the bed quicker than Forrest Whittaker gets to McDonald’s when they bring back the .29 cent hamburger. Jericho calls me Peyton Manning. Of course, this name originated before Peyton won the Super Bowl. Maybe he can start calling me Zito.

8. Convert all of my CDs to digital format and into my iTunes. Ok, I started to do this. And then I came across 50 Cent’s first album, Get Rich of Die Tryin’. And got distracted. Damn. That was a good album. I’m not even a big 50 Cent fan but that CD is complete. Another great rap CD? The Game’s first album. Yes. Must. Find. That. Album. Too.

9. Watch “Into the Wild” and “Teenage Spermaholics, Volume 4” Both movies my wife doesn’t want to see so I’ll have to enjoy in the privacy of my own home.

10. Watch terrible daytime sports programs like ‘Around the Horn’, ‘PTI’ and ‘Cold Pizza.’ Steal a talking head’s POV about something sports related then pass it off as my own. Actually, that’s how Jericho gets his post ideas…so nevermind. (ooh Snap!) Maybe I’ll pimp out our Zazzle store. Have you seen our latest addition?

Life is good. That’s for sure. Wanna grab a cup of coffee? Or hit the driving range? I’ve got plenty of time. Let me know. And if I don’t answer your call…I don’t really have an excuse. So take it as a hint.

“I’m like a bird, I’ll always fly away…”

Damn it, I should change the radio station.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Dear Mr. Zito

Dear Mr. Zito,

We at Apples & Moustaches would like to thank you for your service and kindly request you pack up your stuff and leave the San Francisco Giants’ organization. It is unfortunate it came to this. We believed in you and supported you and hoped that one day your struggles would subside and you would take the shape of your former self. But that has not happened. Instead you have become the laughing stock of Major League Baseball. Your 7.53 ERA is catastrophic. Your record is vile at 0-6. It’s only the third time in the past 52 years a pitcher has been 0-6 before May 1. Barry, let’s be honest, it’s gotta be hard work being that bad.

Yesterday just exemplified your struggles since joining the Giants. It took you 51 pitches just to get the first 3 outs…and that was after you spotted the Reds 6 runs. (The Reds for fuck’s sake!) It’s pretty damn tough to go into the bottom of the first inning down 6-0. The team has stopped playing behind you. They don’t hit for you anymore. As much as that is hard to believe it’s true. They’ve given up on you Barry, and frankly, we have too.

Your fastball tops out at 84 mph. Your curve ball doesn’t drop anymore; it just hangs waiting for someone to unload on it. Even your lovely locks don’t have the same body and volume as they once did. And where are the snap shots of you strumming the guitar with that gay little hemp necklace? And the stories of you breast feeding chimps in the Amazon to free your mind? That’s the Zito we signed 2 years ago. That’s the Zito we gave $126 million. That’s the Zito who went 23-5 with a 2.75 ERA and won the Cy young just 6 years ago.

But no. Instead we’re left with nothing. No chance of winning the game when you take the mound. You’ve become a joke. So, this is it. It’s time to go Barry. No more fingers crossed starts. No more just one more chance. No more kids wanting to be you when they grow up. No bobblehead night. Your time has come. You’re done. Thank you for your time and your service.

You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.


Friday, April 25, 2008

A&M's Mock Draft

1. MIA – Jake Long
2. STL – Chris Long
3. ATL – Glenn Dorsey
4. OAK – Darren McFadden
5. KC – Ryan Clady
6. NYJ – Vernon Gholston
7. NE – Keith Rivers
8. BAL – Matt Ryan
9. CIN – Sedrick Ellis
10. NO – Leodis McKelvin
11. BUFF – Devin Thomas
12. DEN – Branden Albert
13. CAR – Derrick Harvey
14. CHI – Chris Williams
15. DET - Rashard Mendenhall
16. AZ - Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie
17. KC – Philip Merling
18. HOU – Jonathan Stewart
19. PHI – Aqib Tali
20. TB - Limas Sweed
21. WA – James Hardy
22. DAL – Felix Jones
23. PITT – Jeff Otah
24. TENN – Desean Jackson
25. SEA – Kentwan Balmer
26. JAX - Jerod Mayo
27. SD – Dan Connor
28. DAL – Malcolm Kelly
29. SF – Gosder Cherilus
30. GB – Michael Jenkins
31. NYG – Kenny Philips

Things to watch for based on the scenarios above:

- If Matt Ryan makes it past KC at #5 watch for someone to try and move up to #6 or #7 to get him, possible takers include, BAL (afraid he won’t last until #8), CAR and DET. Of course don’t count out the Jets taking him at 6 and finally letting Vaginngton go for good.
- CIN at #9 and NO at #10 both want Sedrick Ellis, good chance one of them tries to leap frog the other and move to #5 or #6.
- Expect a lot of movement in the bottom of the first round as teams like KC, ATL, BAL, CAR, DET, MIA will try and package some pick and move back in to take one of the tier-2 QBs. DAL, JAX, SEA, SD are primary trade partners as neither of them have glaring needs.
- The Ocho Cinco trade watch continues, will be interesting to see if the swap with WA picks up again if a player CIN likes slips down to high teens low 20s
- Keep your eyes on ATL and KC this year; ATL has 6 picks in the top 100 including 4 in the top 50; KC also 6 picks in the top 100 and 3 in the top 35 – they’re both terrible, both rebuilding and both need starters, not just players but starters, watch for both of them to be active
- Really good player that seems to be dropping: Aqib Tali, tough as fucking nuts corner from Kansas, fluid runner and a huge hitter, dropping a bit b/c of worries about his “recovery speed” – would be perfect for a team like PHI, a team that bumps at the line and relies on stunts and blitzes to create pressure
- Sketchy player who seems to be rising: Vernon Gholston, people love this kid, I don’t trust him at all. There’s always that one player who you’ve never really heard of that comes to the combine and throws up inhuman numbers and everyone craps themselves. With these types of players I think one thing: steroids. Don’t want to make any blind accusations, but I’d avoid this dude like the plague
- I think Oak has to take McFadden at #4, member last year when no one thought DET would take Calvin b/c they had drafted so many WRs? The sentiment this year is that Oak will pass on McFadden b/c they already have Fargas, Bush, Jordan and Rhodes - which is kind of like saying, "nah, I'm not going to buy the new White Stripes CD, I've already got Fall Out Boy and Daughtry on rotation, I don't need any new music right now."
- I really, really, really want the Hawks to take a TE in rd 1, Keller or Davis would be huge, huge helps, especially with Branch out for the foreseeable future with a knee - D Line is an area of need and Balmer might be graded a bit higher than either of those TEs so I bet the Hawks take him (they always draft on value rather than need) but if I ever see Pollard in a Hawks uniform again I'm going to shit puke, eat it and then puke shit puke.
- Happy Draft day everybody, 4th best day of the year behind the Bowl, the Oscars and our fantasy draft. Magglio and I will tip one back for all of you this weekend, all 6 of you

Thursday, April 24, 2008

What happened?

Incredible show last night. Too good to put into words. Jack White is God. That much we know for sure. For clarity on today's post please refer to rule #4 on your right. That should explain things. And for more ass-tastic pics please click here.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

5 Things I Want to See Happen on Draft Day

Cincy sends Ocho Cino and their 2nd rd pick (#46) to Philly for the #19 and Lito Sheppard.

Like the rest of you, I was stunned, flabbergasted even, when Cincy turned down Washington’s offer of a first rounder this year (# 21) and next, which seems like a pretty fair shake for a player that will never play for your franchise again. Cincy isn’t dumb enough to think they can get Chad to change his mind, so they must be holding out for a better deal. Well, here’s one. Basically this trade is the #46 for the #19, b/c both of the players want out and are essentially all but gone. Cincy fills a major hole in their defense and suddenly has two picks in the top 20, Philly adds a much needed vertical weapon. The one possible deal breaker would be, is Donovan ready to deal with another uber-talented but mercurial WR? After throwing to Reggie Brown, Hank Baskett and Kevin Curtis for the last two years, I say yes.

Atlanta waits until the top of rd 2 to take a QB

Here’s the list of good QBs taken in the top 5 since 1995: Eli, Carson, McNabb, McNair, Peyton and kind of Philip Rivers. That’s 5 and ½ quality, Pro Bowl QB-caliber signal callers taken in the last 12 drafts. Ouch. Look, when you’re shitty, you can’t take chances. Atlanta is fucking dog shit. Now that they’ve traded their only good player, D Hall, they’re even worse, they’re dog shit that another dog ate and then shit out again. When you get to this point you need to draft solid, proven players, maybe they’re not flashy and maybe they won’t sell as many jerseys right away, but they provide the foundation to take a few chances, sign a few big names and climb back to respectability. Maybe Matt Ryan is the next Carson Palmer, maybe he’s the next David Carr, obviously there’s no way to know, but if I’m Atlanta I let him pass by, take Dorsey or Chris Long and then see who falls to me at #34. One of the tier-2 guys – Brohm, Flacco and Henne (who I like in that order, btw) will be there.

San Francisco takes Gosder Cherilus at #29

Here’s a sneak preview of a post you’ll see from me before the NFL season starts: 4,932 reasons why the Mike Martz era in SF will be a goat fucking disaster and 1 reason why it might work. I hate this hiring on every single level possible, the wrong guy for the wrong team with the wrong QB in the wrong city. When the hiring was announced the conventional wisdom was that SF needed to load up on WRs to give Martz as many weapons as possible. I disagree with this entirely. If Martz’s offense has shown anything it’s the ability to make stars out of guys like Mike Furrey and Kevin Curtis, so he’ll do just fine with Jason Hill and Arnaz Battle. The real thing here is protection. Martz’s system calls for 3-4 and sometimes 5-6 receivers at one time, leaving the o-line and maybe an H-back or TE to handle any blitz, which puts a major, major precedence on the line being able to protect. The Niners drafted Staley last year and he looks like the real deal, they need to add another quality tackle to bookend the line and besides, when is adding a guy named Gosder a bad idea?

(P.S. the SF era will officially close the "Martz as a genius" era. He was the leader of a once in a lifetime offense, but look how good those players were. Holt, Bruce, Faulk and Pace in their primes, four first ballot HOFers, not many offenses can say that. You always hear things like "but Martz got the best out of Faulk!" It's Marshall Faulking Faulk! One of the top 5 all time RBs, of course he got the best out of him! That's like calling Michael Bay one of the greatest directors of all time b/c he made Megan Fox look hot in Transformers. It's Megan Foxing Fox!)

Giants trade Jeremy Shockey to the Saints for their second rd pick (#40)

It’s time to end the Shockey era in NY, they got hot when he went down and won the SB while he was in a box drinking beers with guys named Ax and Dizz. Shockey still has some value and on the right team (i.e., a team where he won’t have to block at all, but will basically be a #2 WR masquerading as a TE), can still split the seams and move the chains. His stats have declined every year from his rookie season, but guess what? Guess who his offensive coordinator was when he had his breakout year? Yup, the pudgy guy in the visor who looks like he should be driving a school bus who’s now the head coach of the Saints. He’s the perfect fit on that team and would have a huge year. The Giants can use #40 to draft a DB or OLB.

Pats and Jets draft the same player

Wouldn’t that be incredible? The Jets take someone like Gholston at #6 and then the Pats counter by taking him again at #7. This might result in Roger Goodell’s first recorded smile and would definitely make Mel Kiper’s head explode in a river of hair gel and 40 times. Basically the Pats approach to this draft and every draft is exactly the same, “we’re so good we don’t need any of these fucks! So fuck them and fuck you too!” Which of course is countered by Mangini’s approach, “Be vewwy, vewwy quiet...I'm hunting wabbits! I’ll get you, whascally Bewwachick.” Would be amazing when they cut to the Pats war room and everyone is laughing and flipping off the camera. God I hate both of these teams. Is there a stupider rivalry in sports than this one? It’s like the last scene in Commando when Arnold fights that Australian dude in the S&M vest, except both of these teams are the Australian dude in the S&M vest.

3 more days and counting...

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

A look around Bay Area sports

If you’re outside of the Bay Area, we’d like to give you a quick snapshot of what’s the latest in Bay Area sports talk. If you’re in the Bay Area, we’d like to provide you with our completely skewed and biased take on the Bay Area sports scene. Enjoy.

DeSean Jackson – WR – Cal Football
Outside of the Bay Area:
For some reason people love this guy. They see his highlight punt returns and his impressive 40 time and start to salivate. Sure, Ted Ginn has shown promise as an undersized WR but isn’t that the exception rather than the rule? What they didn’t see is the games when he virtually disappeared and his alienation from everyone on his team. You want a Cal WR? Pick Lavelle Hawkins. That dude is badass.

Bay Area Perspective:
Everyone in the Bay Area is hoping and praying Desean Jackson is sent far far away. This guy is not only a cancer to a team but he’s lazy and is one LaRon Landry collision away from the end of his career.

San Francisco Giants
Outside of the Bay Area:
We’re still the laughing stock of the league. Sure, we just beat the St. Louis Cardinals for the 4th time out of 7 but nobody is giving us any respect. Zito’s 0-4 record isn’t helping, neither is Cain’s un-Cain-like 6.64 ERA. Fact of the matter is, with the NL West as deep as it is nobody gives us the time of day. Unless they read A&M. Then they’re what we like to call ‘well educated.’

Bay Area Perspective:
There’s a good buzz in town about the Giants. Management seems to actually be committed to the youth movement and we’re getting incredible quality starts out of our 3, 4 and 5 pitchers. Sure, we make a few mistakes on the base paths (Velez) and some of the young guys can’t hit for shit (Bocock) but there are some surprising statistics out there. Lincecum and Sanchez are in the top 5 of total strikeouts with 27 and 26 respectively and Brian Wilson already has 5 saves. Plus, despite playing with a cracked rib, Aaron Rowand is batting .333. And of course, The Great John Bowker is hitting .364 with 3 HRs and 9 RBIs in just 22 big league at-bats. Hum baby.

San Jose Sharks
Outside of the Bay Area:
The only thing I know is that the mullet Canadian on SportsCenter who keeps interrupting actual sports news with his dumb stories said the Sharks should win it all….crickets….see, we don’t really care.

Bay Area Perspective:
A good friend put it to me like this. There are 15,000 total hockey fans in the Bay Area. And they all live in San Jose and they all can be found at the Shark Tank tonight for game 7 against Calgary. After that, nobody gives a rat’s ass. Including us.

Mike Montgomery – New Cal Basketball Coach
Outside of the Bay Area:
Kinda interested until you realize it’s Cal basketball. They’re always going to fail to live up to their potential. Much like Hee Sop Choi. Or Josie Marin.

Bay Area Perspective:
Shock. Amazement. Excitement. This is exactly what Cal basketball needed.

Barry Bonds
Outside of the Bay Area:
Unless his name comes up in a Balco related joke or some crazy sports talk radio caller suggests his addition to the local team, Barry has all but disappeared. Just wait till the Yankees sign him though, cover of SI, lead story on ESPN, pauses in programming to watch every at-bat. Sure, Barry is out of the picture. But he’s always top of mind.

Bay Area Perspective:
We miss him. We love him. We hope to see him in pinstripes in October so he has a shot at his first ever World Series ring. We’re sorry to see he’s gone but we’re excited about the new era of Bay Area baseball without Barry.

NFL Draft
Outside of the Bay Area:
Cowboys fans are excited. Dolphins fans are hopeful. And Bengals fans are confused. Chiefs (Croyle) fans are baffled. Lions fans are petrified (Millen will do something stupid right?) and Jags fans are salivating. It’s that time of year again. Can you feel it?

Bay Area Perspective:
Lots of excitement, as there has been the past few years. With the Raiders and the Niners so bad, the draft and the off-season seem to be the best times of the year. Smart money has the Raiders taking Darren McFadden which would be pretty sweet. The Niners? Who knows. They’re always shifty on draft day and lately they’ve had some solid selections. Bam Bam anyone?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Mental Kegels

Apologies in advance if Apples and Moustaches is bit scattered, distracted and overly sweaty this week. There is a perfect storm brewing that could very well lead to our demise. Two events this week in particular are looming;

Wednesday: The Raconteurs at Bimbo’s

Saturday: The NFL draft

We’re anticipating spontaneous combustion or possibly a gentle simmer, to a boil to a full blown explosion. So bear with us. Please. So for today, while we go through our mental kegels in prepartion for the week’s events…here are some links to check out:

*For our female readers, check out these bad ass shoes Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing. You know I’m not into shoe fetishes but these pics lead me to rethink my positioning.

*Radiohead is on Late Night with Conan O’Brien this Wednesday. They’re performing live from London and telecasting the performance in order to reduce their carbon footprint. Is there anything they can’t do? Damn it they're cool. Also, they have an upcoming hour long show on the Music HD channel sometime in May. We'll find the date/time for you...stay tuned.

*Kanye West and his fiancé who nobody really cares about have broken up. I guess we have to go with the obvious joke here..“She takes my money…”

*An interview with Tina Fey and Amy Poheller discussing their new upcoming movie, Baby Mama. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 1,000 times. These bitches are funny. I hope Kristen Wiig makes an appearance.

*Over/Under on Myley Cyrus turning into the next Britney Spears? Two years, 3 months, 12 days. That's my guess. Check these pics out and then place your bets.

*This video always leaves me satisfied.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Stuff I Just Don't Understand

How guys find Danica Patrick attractive in any way, shape or form. She looks like a garden gnome and a bitchy one at that. Obviously this is driven by the fact that she’s the only girl in a 100% male dominated environment, which confuses and boosts her hotness rating by a factor of 1000. This could be called “the only cute girl in your PE class” syndrome. Remember how PE always had five chicks? Three fat girls that wore sweats under their shorts, one black girl that thought she was a really good athlete and talked shit but is really terrible at everything and a little horsey, and then the one semi-cute girl in tight shorts that got exponentially hotter every day? I think Danica is the girl in cute shorts. You watch her stretch, you stand behind her in line for the water fountain and then almost stickify your sweats when she bends over to get a drink and everything culminates in the last week of the class when you try to act a little too cool when you’re her partner in pickleball. We all remember that girl right? In the wild she’s just average but in those little shorts she’s jerk-worthy, I think that sums up Danica perfectly.

Why every speech by the Pope isn’t referred to as “Pontifficating.” How have we let it get this far without making this reference? Also, explain this to me, why does everyone go nuts and scream like he’s a rock star or something? Isn’t that idolatry? Shouldn’t the proper response be silent reverence? I have a million questions about the Pope, but let’s answer pontifficating first and go from there.

The penis and why it moves and changes shapes at will. I mean, how crazy is that thing? If you pee 15 times in a day your dick will have 15 different sizes and moods, there aren’t many things on earth that are more mystifying than that. I realize that chicks have it a lot worse with the whole “my downtown slowly bleeds for five days” thing, but at least that follows some kind of pattern. “It’s the 24th, here comes the hatchet wound.” With a dick though, you have no idea. Guys, you know how you sometimes have those “big dick” days? For some inexplicable reason your soldier is half-mast or bigger for the entire day? What the fuck? How annoying is that? And why can’t we figure out a way for this to happen everyday? What a mystery that thing is. For example, right now there’s a dude reading this who is totally hard, which is both totally weird and totally normal at the same time.

Why Rumer Willis is so ugly. This is mystifying to me. If Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi’s kids grow up to be really awkward and unable to run, if Laird Hamilton and Gabrielle Reece’s kids grow up to be totally overweight and slovenly, if Jada Pinkett and Will Smith’s kids grow up to be really introverted and quiet, if Nicole Ritchie and dude’s kid grows up and can read and form sentences – I mean, none of these would be as mystifying as two really good looking people spawning a human that looks like the stunt double for Eric Stoltz’s character in The Mask. I continue to be amazed by this.

Also: how anyone in their right mind could find Friends or Everyone Loves Raymond even the least bit funny; why Yoda didn’t build some crazy force field or something and train Luke from the minute he was born rather than waiting until he was 18 to start the training essentially repeating the exact same thing they fucked up with Vader; how people can seriously quote the 2nd amendment when arguing against gun control; why airplane seats are so uncomfortable; why the radio stations in San Francisco are so atrociously awful; why gay people aren’t allowed to marry but shows like The Bachelor and Rock of Love are allowed to exist; why it’s been so long since Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro were in a good movie; how copy machines work; why coffee makes you poop; Nicolas Cage’s face, Colin Farrell’s hair and how Nicole Kidman can get pregnant without any reproductive organs.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A little pre draft chatter...


*an actual conversation over IM between Magglio and Jericho today...

Jericho: We’re going to Ruth’s Chris tonight for Treek’s b-day.

Magglio: Nice. Are you gonna get a steak?

Jericho: No I’m going to get the veggie platter. Pussy.

Magglio: Morgan just texted me that Chad Johnson got traded to the Cowboys for their 1st round pick. Asshole. He got me on that one.

Jericho: Haha. That could totally happen.

Magglio: McNair retired. Anyone really care?

Jericho: All of the sudden the Ravens have the most interesting pick at 8. Do they trade up to get Matt Ryan?

Magglio: You’re forgetting about Kyle Boller aka Jesus in Cleats.

Jericho: If McFadden falls to them, watch them trade the pick to DAL for 22 and 28 take Brian Brohm.

Magglio: I love that call but McFadden wont fall. He's too good.

Jericho: But no one needs a running back.

Magglio: All the talk about his character is just a bluff. Teams hope he’ll fall.

Jericho: Adrain peterson fell to #7. RBs fall dude.

Magglio: Frank Gore fell to the 3rd round.

Jericho: And he's fisting a chicken right now.

Magglio: You're God damn right he is. What do you think Marty Booker is doing right now?

Jericho: Dripping his vagina juice into his daily "my vagina juice" smoothie.

Magglio: Wow.

Jericho: Am I wrong?

Magglio: No, no, I think you’re right about that one.

Jericho: What about Chad Johnson to the Bronocs? For the #12?

Magglio: And then who does Cincy take?

Jericho: They keep the #9. They have the #9 and #12. Plus it’s a rich WR draft. They could take a DL and an OLB in rd 1. Then grab a WR top of rd 2. Housh is ready to be the #1. Or trade with Philly at #19 or the Bucs at #20. Seriously, every team can use #85, right?

Magglio: I guess so.

Jericho: Don't you feel like the Raiders are about to do something real, real dumb?

Magglio: Like spend 100 mil on Javon Walker and that fat fuck who plays line?

Jericho: And then draft Matt Ryan at #4 and play him and the fat fuck they took last year at same time.

Magglio: JaMarcus? You hear he reported to camp pushing 3 bills?

Jericho: Haha. Fuck the Raiders. What do you think jay cutler doing right now?

Magglio: French braiding Mike Shanahan’s inner leg hair and asking him to retell the story of Elway in Super Bowl 32. And practicing his "mean" face.

Jericho: “Coach? Does this look mean? What about this?”

Magglio: Ok, so here are our options for draft day drinking.

1) A drink per round
2) Piles*
3) A drink whenever they use the term 'upside'

Obviously we're playing piles. I don't want to be all regimented. I just want to slowly and methodically destroy you, like I do with everything else

Magglio: Regardless we take a bong hit whenever our teams (San Francisco and Seattle) draft or make a move. Agree?

Jericho: For sure.

Magglio: What are we drinking? Coors light? Miller light?

I could play piles with elephant piss and still smoke you, Diane. Laura. Sara. Stacey. Fucking bitch.

*Piles is a game Magglio and Jericho invented and perfected in college. The game is simple really. Every time you finish a beer you throw it into your pile. Then, you proceed to make fun of the other guy’s pile. Yep, those are the rules of piles.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Apples and Moutaches - Run Yo Game Miss Pringle!

(Hopping up on my soap box.) I love MTV. I soak up everything, good and bad, like a 17-year-old girl at a high school gangbang. One of the best shows is True Life. (And Made and Real World/Road Rules). It’s a simple premise. It takes a look at a cross section of young people across a range of specific topics such as ‘True Life: I’m dead broke’ or ‘True Life: I’m in a mixed relationship’ or the one I most recently finished watching ‘True Life: Peer Pressure’. One of the situations explored a Hooters waitress with teeny tiny tits. She was being peer pressured to get a boob job. I’ll skip the middle part but in the end she gets the boobs and her tips at work skyrocket and she moves in with her boyfriend. Her life is suddenly perfect. See future youth of America? All it takes is some succulent C cups and you too can find love, money, power, leadership, street knowledge and wisdom. (Getting off my soap box…for now.)

I’ve got a baseball question I need your help on please. Last year I was at a Giants game and we were down 4 in the 9th inning. I turned my hat on inside out and ensured everyone in my group did the same. (That’s called a rally cap to all of you out there not versed in baseball superstition.) Lo and behold the Giants score 4 runs and force extra innings. So here’s the question, when we go top 10 all tied up does my hat stay in the rally position? Do we mess with the rally Gods by keeping them on? Or is it worse to change up the routine that got us tied up in the first place? Discuss.

How weak are bachelorette parties? We have a friend staying with us who is about to spend the weekend in San Jose (no, really) at a bachelorette party. You should hear the bullshit they have planned. A spa day. A slumber party. Cheesy games like ‘Pin the penis on the model’ etc. Manicures. And a lingerie party (not what it seems, I asked, its more of a gift giving then a show and tell.) Are you kidding me? Where are the steak dinners, the booze, the bongs and the general rambunctious shenanigans? Thank. God. I’m. A. Dude.

Last Friday night we went to a new restaurant (SPQR) which is a spin-off of a popular local restaurant (A16) and it got me thinking….about spin-offs. TV spin-offs in particular. Which are the best ones of all time? Melrose came from 90210. A Different World came from The Cosby Show. Fraiser came from Cheers. I feel like I’m missing some big ones. TV knowledge is one area of friends I do not have covered. For movies I go to Jericho. For Pop Culture I go to Sa. For the latest in music I go to RK or Dana. But for TV…nothing. Anyone out there want to be my TV lifeline?

I’m not giving up on Barry Zito. It’s not going to happen, yet. Sure, he’s 0-4 and gave up a 2-run single to the pitcher Brandon Webb today. But his curve didn’t look too bad. Plus, he got exactly 1 run of support today. Where were the doubles from Castillo and the slap singles from Freddy Lewis and Eugenio Velez? Interesting stat Jericho just dropped on me…Brandon Webb is making $5.5 million this year and Zito is pulling in $14.5. But his curve looked good. No?

One week and counting…“Any poor souls that trespass against us, whether it be beast or man.”

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

A&M’s Exclusive Interview with the Rap Chipmunk

Disclaimer: Other than being really funny, obnoxiously good looking and hung like fucking wooly mammoths, there’s one other really obvious characteristic I’m sure you’ve noticed about Magglio and I: we’re really, really white. I mean, really, really, ridiculously white. Magglio is so white his nipples look like sunspots. I’m so white that when it snows I disappear like Chevy Chase in that one movie with Darryl Hannah where he disappeared. Magglio is so white that plain white t-shirts are considered an “accent color” for him. I’m so white that when people call me an albino, albinos get offended. A bowl of rice, 50 Cent's K-Swisses; open up Microsoft Word, see the color of that blank document? That’s how white we are.

With that said, maybe we aren’t the typical reporters (hey stop laughing, you fucks!) to break the lid on a huge, huge scandal in the rap game, but on the other hand, maybe we are, maybe we’re the types of people they’d never see coming (figuratively and literally). Maybe only someone of our stature and shade could have been granted the access that we received or been trusted the way we were with this huge, huge story. The truth behind this lie can only be found in the truth, and that’s exactly what we’re going to give you. The world’s longest preface will now come to an end; as soon as I finish this sentence; with the “.” after I type the final word of this rambling preface. Period.

Now, like most of you, we’ve noticed a very strange theme in the rap game. From Common to Kanye, from Snoop to Jay Z, from Da Pickled Peppa to Condamint, there’s been an odd development in the beats and backgrounds of some of the biggest rap songs out there: a weird chirping sound that’s kind of like an old lady on helium. If you want to hear a sample of this, listen to the Kanye song “A Good Life." What is that noise? Why did it seem to be in every song? Was it one beat being played over and over? Was this an inside joke being played on us by the rap community (see how white I am? Who else but a skinny white kid would call it a community?)?

Well, as it turns out, it was all of these, yet none of these. After sending a series of emails and leaving hundreds of voice mails at rapper headquarters (a mystical place white people only hear about, the home of the LBC and answers to white people questions like “why does Larry Johnson make a vagina with his hands after every touchdown?”) – we received the following, cryptic email:

If U keeps sniffin'
U keeps whiffin'
U want da reals
U gots 2 make deals
‘Cause I’m Da Munk
Cover yo bitch in spunk
Lift my tail, kiss my furry butt
I run dis game
And will do anythin for a nut
If U wanna know who
Meet me tonight at HQ

Tens of readers, how strange was this development? Being the intrepid reporters we are, we pushed harder, grew more daring and ultimately went farther than any white man has ever ventured inside the fortress.

Calling on all of the time we spent listening to Gin and Juice as fourteen year olds and everything we’ve learned about black culture from watching Randy Jackson on American Idol, we replied thusly:

Yo, dog, yo, your email confused us
Like a six grader reading Confucius
I want to player love and not player hate
But going to HQ makes me lactate
I put the Vanilla in Vanilla Ice
I’ve seen Alanis live thrice
I want to solve this mystery
But like walking, can you feel me, G?

Ten minutes went by, and we got this:

U ain’t comin in
U 2 white and 2 thin
Meet me at da oak in da back
I’ll give U da scoop
U bring me a sack

A sack? Hmmm…weed? Is this how information is transacted inside the fortress? I wanted to be sure.

Cool, munk, count me in 4 tonight
Just to check, you meant pot, right?

No sooner had I pressed send that I got this message back:

No, you skinny white clown
Not how I gets down
I’m talkin’ Planters or Emeralds
Dat’s my kinda cough
Make dat shit unsalted
Or I’ll bite yo muthafuckin’ face off

Peanuts? What kind of transaction was this? What kind of information was I buying here? You know the old saying, “be careful any time a black guy wants you to show up at midnight in the back of rapper headquarters with a bag of peanuts?” Well, this was the literally the epitome of that old saying.

But the whole time I was thinking about you, tens of readers, how would you pass the time between shopping at QVC.com and pretending to write an email to that jag off customer if I didn’t sack up and get a sack? So I did it. What I found was both harrowing, horrifying and several other long words that start with “h” and end with “ing.” The story is too long to give you every detail, but here’s a quick summary.

The chirping sound you hear in the back of almost every rap song, the high-pitched, repetitive twirp that sounds like a chipmunk, is actually a chipmunk. Yes, you read that right, a real, honest to God, talking, walking, gangsta rap chipmunk. Known in the game as “Da Munk” the rapping chipmunk is the result of a horrible experiment gone terribly wrong.

Around 5 years ago the presidents of the rapper headquarters, Jay Z, P Diddy, Russell Simmons, Dr. Dre and Timbaland, put their heads together and came up with a brilliant scheme for complete world domination. Based on the success of talking animal movies like Madagascar and Happy Feet, they decided to create a rap group comprised of talking zoo animals. This is not animated mind you, this is real. They hired the world’s most renowned talkalogist, Dr. Jade Ploddington, and gave her all the resources she needed to create this super group. Part “Making the Band” part “Island of Dr Moreau” – Dr. Ploddington built a machine she named “Da Gangsta Izer” that would change any normal zoo animal, to a bad ass, sticky icky loving, gangsta-rapping zoo animal.

The presidents of the headquarters had huge plans for this group, which they named Da Zoo. A reality show, an album, a world tour, even a theme park that was aimed at being the world’s first Gangsta Petting Zoo. They even had gangsta names picked out for each member: G. Raff, PlattaPuzz, Kare A Boo, KoMo Draggin and the one girl in the group, Aunty Lopes.

Dr. Ploddington was working day and night on Da Gangsta Izer and after two years of work, the machine was ready. The results were disastrous. G Raff, Aunty Lopes and KoMo were killed instantly. Kare A Boo was shrunk to the size of a thumbtack. PlattaPuzz survived the experiment but refused to rap, he just kept going on and on about nuclear physics and the inherent limitations of cross-functional material transformation, he was mercifully put down.

An epic disaster. The project was shut down, Dr. Ploddington was paid off and shipped away and the presidents swore to never speak about the project again. But then, one year later, one of the upcoming protégés at rapper headquarters, a young gangsta named Chippa Dip was wondering around the facility checking out the different buildings when he found his way down to the boarded up Da Zoo wing. A curious motherfucker, Chippa Dip, waded through the boards and entered the facility. Finding Da Gangsta Izer, Chippa walked inside to see what it did. Unbeknownst to him, at the same time Chippa flippa da switch, a chipmunk that had been living in the musty room ran into the machine with him. When the dust settled, the two had merged into one. Chippa the man was transported into this little chipmunk.

Trust me on this one, tens of readers, as shocked as you are at this revelation, the presidents we’re at least 745% more shocked. Not only had they lost their next superstar, they now had a rapping, gangsta-ass chipmunk running around who could expose their once devious plan at any minute. So they struck a deal. In exchange for total silence and a promise never to go to the press, the presidents offered free range over the forest in the back of the headquarters, an endless supply of peanuts and a steady stream of “chippy bitches” and a guarantee that he could sing background vocals on at least one song on every CD released between 2004-2010.

Chippa, now known as Da Munk, accepted immediately and has lived in the forest and on every CD ever since. So there you go, mystery solved.
Not as personally horrifying as breaking the news that Sean Alexander has a talking vagina but this story obviously has much larger, global implications.

Well, folks, another groundbreaking story from the A&M News Team. This one wasn’t pretty, but then again, journalism isn’t meant to be pretty, it’s meant to be real.

Apples and Moustaches, read by tens, loved by Shaun Alexander’s vagina, trusted by Da Munk.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Hot Studs with Moustaches

Foreword: Everything you’re about to read in this post is entirely true. Except for the part about the donkey. That’s only half true.

We have some handy dandy tracking tools set up on our site (NERD ALERT). Nothing that makes us important or cool by any means. But enough that we can tell roughly where and how readers found A & M. Let’s take for instance search. Did you know if you Google the words “Shaun Alexander’s Vagina” then our blog pops up first? Amazing isn’t it? (If you don’t have a lot of time today you can stop reading now. This is in fact the coolest statistic of all. I cannot tell you how proud this makes us. I feel like we’ve finally done something right in this world.)

Of course if you search “Apples Moustaches” you’ll find us, but a misspelling like “Apples and Mustaches” will send you elsewhere. Searching for “Apples Blog Magglio” leads you to our site but “Jericho is a ball sniffer,” unfortunately, will not. Now here’s where it gets really interesting. These are actual terms users have typed in recently which have lead them to our site. Again, we are not making any of this up.
  • Gay Boots and Moustaches
  • Funny Arnold Lines
  • Russell Crowe with Moustache
  • Professional real looking moustache movie moustache
  • Shitty looking real estate
  • Elijah Woods Moustache
  • Fuzzies Pizza
  • Gary Radnich
  • Raconteurs at Bimbos
  • Hot Studs with Moustaches

Here are terms that will not lead you to our site but we secretly wish would.
  • Sweet candied yams
  • Fucking coastist bastards
  • Bloggers with big ol’ donkey dicks
  • One-eyed Patch
  • Bam Bam Willis in your ear bitch
  • LinceCain
  • Josh’s underpants
  • The Great John Bowker
  • Is Mily Cyrus hot or is she too young for us to even be asking the question?
  • Jackie Joyner Kersee

Friday, April 11, 2008

A&M For a Friday

Tens of readers, help me finish this joke, you know the old saying, “if you tap it more than twice you’re playing with it?” Well, when you’re walking with your dog and you meet another dog, and either your dog or the other is sniffing butt just a bit too long and it starts to get awkward between you and the other dog owner I want to be able to make the joke, “come on now, if you sniff it more than twice you’re…” – how do I finish that? I think we need to come up with a universal joke that can be made in those situations to ease the weird tension a bit.

I love getting salads for lunch. Once you’ve found the right place that has good ingredients, normal-looking people behind the counter, good portions at a good price you’re set. Even then though, it all comes down to the amount of dressing they use. A salad is only as good as the level of dressing. Too little and it’s bland, too much and it’s soggy (and a bit too delicious, which nullifies the point of getting a salad in the first place). When you think about it, the dressing quandary is a bit like the old “pull and pray” method of contraception we all use to use back in high school. If it’s not just right you ruin it, if it’s a bit too much the experience is ruined because you worry about it – but when it’s just right, you pull out and nut all over a lemon chicken caesar and everybody wins.

Does anyone really care about the Olympic Torch? I mean this is a tradition started by Hitler that is being carried out to honor China, who the fuck wants to preserve that? Isn’t this the quintessential “two wrongs don’t make a right” situation? And if they’re bringing the torch around the world as a symbol of peace isn’t it totally backwards not to just pull out at even the slightest hint of protest. Isn’t stubbornly going forward like saying, “you don’t want peace, fuck you, you’re getting’ peace!”

I don’t think there’s a more frustrating team on Earth than the Golden State Warriors. Honestly the one team in the NBA who can beat or lose to anyone on a daily basis. I know the West is tougher this year, that they don’t have the surprise element anymore, that the rest of the league is adjusting to Nellie Ball; but Baron’s Boys just don’t seem to have the same fire as they did last year. They played with such a massive chip on their shoulder last year and that’s disappeared for some reason. It was great fun while it lasted, but we’re about to see a very unceremonious end of an era, I think Nellie, Baron, Air France and Jack are all gone next year. Bummer.

The five best shit talking lines of all time:

“I’ll fuck you until you love me!”

- Mike Tyson, screaming at a male reporter after a press conference got out of hand.

“Little Mexican girls.”

- Karl Malone, to Kobe Bryant’s wife after she asked him what he was hunting for based on his ridiculous camouflage outfit.

“Fuck you, man, you ain’t that cool. Shit, I gotta backpack.”

- A homeless guy to me after I got off the K and ignored him when he asked for change.

“We ain’t bringin’ noise, we bringin’ drama. Fuck you and you’re muthafuckin’ mama.

- 2Pac to Bigge in that one song I’m too white to remember the name of. Great line though.

“Cum stain!”

- Magglio, yelling at an old lady as he pulled into his parking garage after she had berated him for driving too fast.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Tonight's the night


* The Office returns

* 30 Rock returns

* The Warriors play Denver in a must win game

* The Giants go for 3 in a row

* The Sharks...ah, who cares about hockey

Please note: This is one of those times when we find ourselves with no time to post. So we post a picture of a hot chick and move on for the day. And yes, Jenna Fisher counts as a hot chick. Don't you think?

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

We're protesting too

In honor of the Olympic torch being in our very own city today we’d like to take this opportunity to protest. In case you didn't know, protesting is the new ‘I’m voting for Obama.’ Get with it.

The newspaper delivery guy.
No longer is my paper sitting outside my door when I wake up. Nope, my newspaper delivery guy has decided to half ass it and leave it out front of the building door. This means that every morning I have to navigate a 15-yard walk, in my boxers, half-asleep, avoiding neighbors and small children, bedhead and all, just to read my morning paper. I’m protesting you newspaper delivery guy. Get a clue.

Paying extra for extra Wasabi.
This is just crap. I mean, do you think McDonalds made their billions by charging for extra Ketchup? No.

High Fat Cheese.
Not by choice. My nutritionist said I shouldn’t eat the stuff. Even in moderation. Cause my moderation means an entire block of Tillamook sharp cheddar. Mmm, delicious sharp cheddar cheese. Sometimes melted. Sometimes not. Sometimes with a cracker or a toasted slice of sourdough. Sometimes not.

Lukewarm coffee.
We’ve protested this in the past but not a lot of people are listening. This is blasphemous. I want my first sip of coffee to singe the skin off of my tongue. I want to barely be able to hold the cup of coffee even with one of those little sleeve things.

Old guys on sportstalk radio.
Why do we have to listen to these guys still? Where are the dudes on the radio who talk like us? As good as the old guys are I’m tired of hearing Ralph Barbieri and Gary Radnich. Old guy jokes just aren’t funny to us. Is anyone listening to me?

The career choice of Latoya Pringle.
She was drafted 13th overall today by the New York Liberty of the WNBA. With that kind of name LP shoulda been either a rapper or a middle school lunch lady. Run yo game Miss Pringle!

Alright, Patch and I are off to the park. He needs to drop a protest on some grass. I imagine he’s protesting against the gay little vest he has to wear instead of a collar, so he doesn’t hurt his trachea from the leash. Tracheas. Who needs those anyways?

Final note: I’m having a great hair day today. Thought you should know.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Apples and Moustaches - Yay!

Memphis/Kansas last night was fantastic. I’m not going to even get into the ‘shoulda fouled”, “gotta hit the free throws”, “who’s wife would you rather?” conversation. (In case you’re curious the answers are…Yes. Obviously. And Calipari’s, no doubt.) Last night was just fantastic basketball. The refs did a great job letting them play. And we were seeing the best of the best last night. It really does make you think that college football should adopt the playoff system. (for our loyal readers, remember when we let KK write something? And he fumbled around trying to make the college football/basketball playoffs point? That was awesome. He’s such a tugjob.)

Yes, I watch The Bachelor. Yes, I am embarrassed to admit it. Yes, I am confident at my pick this season…Shayne. Here’s my question. How is it that each of the girls unquestionably wants to be with this guy yet he has the common sense to decide which one he likes. Isn’t this kinda lopsided? I mean when will one of these chicks stand up and say “you know what, thanks anyways, but you’re not my type.” It’s so stupid that each and every one of them talks about how into this guy they are. That’s 20 chicks, without a doubt, professing their love to this dude. It’s just hard to understand.

No joke. Barry Bonds to the Yankees. Not yet. But in a few months. When they need a big bat in the lineup to help pull away from the Sox and the Blue Jays (The Blue Jays?!?!) Damn I bet Barry looks good in pinstripes.

Honestly, which comeback are you more excited for? Beverly Hills 90210? Or The New Kids on the Block? It’s a complete toss-up for me. I mean, on one hand you have the old gang at West Beverly back up to their old hijinks and shenanigans. And on the other, 5 off the coolest dudes to ever rock fluorescent pink and green are back. I wonder if Joey can still hit that high note. “Please, don’t go girl.” It’s an NKOTB block party and we’re all invited.

I went to a nutrionist a few days ago. He told me with the amount of tofu and soy products I’ve been taking I might as well be eating 12oz steaks everyday. I’m getting the same type of lopsided nutrition in my diet. I’m paraphrasing here, of course. But now I’m thoroughly confused. How am I supposed to be a vegetarian?

I’ve always wanted to be a cab driver. I’ll let you in on another secret of mine as well. I am almost positive that when I’m driving through the city other cab drivers notice my moves and say to themselves “he must be a cabbie.” This has always been a dream of mine.

Though it pains us to admit, we finished last in our super nerd NCAA pool with other blogs. The dude from bearsnecessity.com won. At least it wasn’t the chick. Or the hockey guy. This means that we’ll have a guest blogger at some point in the near future. You'll be able to recognize him cause he'll probably talk about how cool Cal is and he won't say 'fuck' very much. So let him have it. Especially you Phucko and Dirt Diver. Let him know how wrong he is. No matter what the topic.

Bears Necessity-100
Gossip on Sports-91

The Battle of California-82

The Sports Lounge-80

The Play in California-76

Apples and Moustaches-75

Monday, April 7, 2008

All Out, All Season

As you read this I am sitting in front of my gorgeous TV about to take in Opening Day at AT&T park and the first home game for your 2008 San Francisco Giants. Yes if I was cool I would be basking in the sun while enjoying my overpriced Anchor Steam. But I’m not. I’m at home. With my dog. And a water. With ice.

But hope is in the air. Sure, we started our home season with a 1-5 record having lost (been humiliated) in our last 3 games. But today is our Opening Day. Anything can happen. They just finished announcing the entire Giants team (in which Barry Zito got his fair share of boos) and now they’re doing a tribute to the 1958 San Francisco Giants, the inaugural year for the Giants in SF. There’s Willie Mays, there's Rich Aurillia and there’s Orlando Cepeda. You kinda get the sense some of these guys could still lace them up if we need ‘em.

But do we need them? This is the year of youth for the Giants. Come on, drink the Kool Aid with me. We’re rebuilding. And we’re letting the kids get some playing time. My biggest fear is in a few months from now. When the dust has settled. When the excitement has died down. And when we find ourselves with a 14-45 record. Then what is there to be excited about?

Enough of that for now. The sun is shining! Matt Cain is about to take the mound! Our clubhouse manager just threw out the first pitch! Barry Bonds is nowhere to be found! And Brian Bocock is starting at shortstop. Giants baseball. Huuuuummm Baby!

Hey…at least we’re not the Detroit Tigers.

Friday, April 4, 2008

They're shitty

Let me set the scene. It’s Tuesday evening. I’m sitting at the bar with my best girl sipping a Makers and Diet Coke. Yes, Diet Coke. It’s hard work looking this good. Let me continue. The Giants have squandered a 2-0 lead and find themselves knotted up at 2-2 in the bottom of the 9th. Now they’re battling. I mean this team is showing some real grit. They’re not just going to roll over and…fuck…Ray Durham boots an easy ground ball and the runner scores from second. Yeah, that’s right. The runner scores from second on an infield grounder. The Giants lose. They’re shitty.

On our walk back home I get a text from my friend Morgan. It reads, “this guy here is dead…Cross him off then.” And it hits me like a ton of bricks. The Giants are eerily similar to the famed Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League. We've got a bunch of guys that nobody's ever heard of. Half of our roster was selling real estate or working on their golf game last season. And nobody is giving us a shot. Let’s take a look at the evidence.

Lou Brown/Bruce Bochy – Manager

The grizzly skipper. He always seems to have the right thing to say. He can always rally the troops to believe in one another. And he always smells like a mix of pine tar, sunflower seeds and Rolaids. This is the classic baseball manager. This one lined up perfectly. Have you seen Bochy’s facial hair?!

Classic quote: “My kinda team Charlie, it’s my kinda team.”

Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn/Tim Lincecum – Stud pitcher

It’s hard to imagine Lincecum with the ‘vedge head’ hair cut, drilling a bunch of chicks and doing hard time for stealing a car. But Lincecum is a dead ringer for the Wild Thing with his rocket arm. Lincecum throws BB’s. Lincecum is the franchise. The baddest dude in the locker room. 12-year-old face and all.

Classic quote: “I look like a banker in this.”

Ed Harris/Barry Zito – Aging pitcher

This one hurts. But it’s the truth. And I can totally see Zito making old guy jokes to the young guys in the locker room. Wasn’t Harris the one who gives up the key hit in the final game against the Yankees? (side note: It was the AL championship right? Whatever happened to the Indians in the Series? Why did we never find this out?) Ok, Harris is 10 times better than Zito. That’s how bad things have got. Zito blows. I don’t know any other way to put it at this point.

Classic quote: “Crisco, Bardol, Vagisil. Any one of 'em will give you another two to three inches drop on your curveball.”

Jake Taylor/Aaron Rowand – The unspoken leader

Hear me out. Jake Taylor was a few years removed from his prime with rickety knees and was arguably the face of the franchise. Aaron Rowand came to San Francisco with inflated numbers thanks to being sandwiched in a killer lineup in Philly. He uses his face to catch himself when he falls and the marketing geniuses in the front office won’t let us forget his hustle anytime soon. Rowand seems crafty enough to lay down a bunt when everyone in the building is expecting he’ll swing away. Now that I think of it, I like this comparison. (self-five)

Classic quote: “I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.”

Roger Dorn/Omar Vizquel – Aging shortstop

To his credit, Omar would never give up on a grounder because he feared getting a ball to the face. Omar is a magician with his glove but let’s face it, he’s old. He’s kinda cranky. And he may use self tanner. Just like Dorn he’s a former All-Star (2002). But not when he was on our team.

Classic quote: “Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you. Strike this motherfucker out.”

Willie Mays Hayes/Eugenio Velez – Flashy speedster

Hayes couldn’t get on base besides walking or getting a few slap singles. Same as Velez. Hayes had world class speed. So does Velez. Hayes had a problem with pop-ups and push-ups. Velez? Not sure yet. But have you heard his first name pronounced? It’s so cool. Oo-heen-E-O. That’s my attempt to write it phonetically. Now try saying it.

Classic quote: “Going somewhere?” “About 90 feet.”

Honorable mention:

*We don’t have a Pedro Cerrano. We let him go in the offseason and erased his existence from our ballpark. Not having this bat in our lineup is going to hurt real bad. And if you recall, it was Cerrano’s 2 run blast that tied the game in the Indian’s shootout with the Yankees. There is a part of me that wants to give it to Bengie Molina but the most homers he’s hit in a season is 19. And Cerrano easily hit 40 that year…I’m guessing.

*Dave Righetti as Pepper…the skippers’ right hand man.

*Jon Miller as Harry Doyle…the voice of the Giants.

*Jeff Kent as The Duke…the most hated opponent with unruly nose hair.

But let us not forget how this shit show ends. The Indians catch fire late in the season and wind up making the World Series. I think this points to good signs for The Giants. All it takes is a little clubhouse voodoo, enticement to see Peter McGowen nude, a resurgence from some unknown guys and a smoking hot player’s wife to cause some inner turmoil. Has anyone seen Dan Ortmeier’s wife? Anyone?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Just a paragraph

Drunk texting may be more dangerous then drunk dialing. Lay off of Leinart, he’s young, rich and good looking…what do you expect? Stevie Wonder is a genius. Filling the bong with ice water just makes sense. The Giants are not as bad as everyone thinks. Yesterday’s post from Jericho made me laugh out loud about 10 times. April Fool’s jokes are so 10 years ago. Love him or hate him Jim Rome is a smart dude. The Lakers don’t want any part of Golden State in the first round of the playoffs. All beans give me gas.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

An idiot’s guide to tricking people into thinking that you’re much smarter than you actually are.

One thing you can inevitably tell by reading this blog is that Magglio and I are idiots. Drunken idiots, stoned idiots, Thurman Thomas, Anthony Simmons and Marques Tuiasosopo-loving idiots. However, one thing you may be interested to know and that may seem to conflict with everything you think or know about us, is that we both have extremely good looking chicks and are highly-paid, highly-respected professionals. Crazy huh? How’d we do it you ask? Luck? Nah. Obnoxious good looks? No, but that helps. Being able to trick people into thinking we’re 10x smarter than we actually are? Well, no shit Sherlock, that’s the title of the fucking post! What do you want a medal?

While we won’t be giving medals, what we will be giving are the following tricks and tips to passing yourself as smarter than you really are. A word of caution, remember that there are four rules that must be unequivocally followed:

1) Use the word unequivocally as much as possible

2) Don’t shit a shitter. Only use the following tactics when you’re positive that you are smarter or at least as smart as the people around you, never, under any circumstances fuck with people smarter than you. The consequences could be calamitous

3) Use calamitous as much as possible

4) Pick random topics that no one knows anything about and pretend to know shit about them, the more random the better, you don’t want to pick a topic that someone can call you on, that would be unequivocally calamitous.

Without further ado:

Proclaim loud, unshakable hatred for something completely innocuous or something that no one in their right mind would think to hate

Smart people have opinions about random shit, right? Well, here’s you’re chance to express yours, when used correctly, no one will question you, they’ll just think, “man, only a really smart person would have an opinion about something random like that.”

“I don’t find that funny at all, I absolutely hate irony.”
“Damn it! Why do people insist on using ellipses!? Just finish your thought and move on!”

Counter Freudian with Jungian

Freud has to be the most blindly quoted figure in history. How many times have you heard or even said yourself, “paging Dr. Freud?” or something to that effect, even though you had no idea what it meant? At least a 100 times right? Well, here’s a neat trick, as little as we know about Freud, we know even less about Jung. So the next time you hear someone mention Freud, counter with a quip about Jung. The person won’t call you on it because more likely than not, they have no idea if Freud applies and were just using his name blindly.

“Wait, his step dad owns the company and his sister is the VP of marketing, how Freudian is that?
“You think so? This seems more like something that Carl Jung would cover, if anything it’s Jungian.”

No one will be able to say shit.

Use a country or region that no one knows about to summarize a situation

Egypt. Syria. Malaysia. Who the fuck knows anything about these places?

“You’re going on a business trip for three days and didn’t bring a toothbrush? How Egyptian.”
“Look at all those lawn decorations, it’s like we’re back in Mesopotamia.”

Replace normal words with larger words that mean the same thing

Chew = masticate
Small amount = modicum
Style for doing shit = modus operandi
Face = countenance
Fun = convival

The list goes on and on, just remember, idiots chew with their mouths open, idiots who want to sound smarter masticate politely at all times.

Reference a few characters / parables from Mythology

Here’s a great one, Sisyphus. Sisyphus was punished by the Gods and had to spend every single day rolling a huge boulder up a hill only to see it roll back down once he reached the top. This can be used in almost every minute of every working day.

“Back and forth, back and forth, this project is Sisyphean.”

Prometheus. Pandora. Dionysus. Mythology is a great one, because a) no one knows shit and b) the stories can be summed up in ten words or less, the perfect tool for lazy, idiots everywhere.

Thank God for Wikipedia. In an era where every subject, regardless of how abstract and complicated, is logged and summarized for every idiot’s use, there’s no reason and no excuse for not being perceived as smarter than you are. I mean, think about it, right now you’re thinking, “Wow, Jericho is pretty smart.” I’m an idiot, you fucking idiot! You’re proving the point of my post! Now go read Woodrow Wilson’s Wikipedia page, you budding geniuses who are really morons, I want you using “Wilsonian” by the end of the week.