Wednesday, May 30, 2012


Today Magglio Ordonez of the Detroit Tigers announced his retirement. My brother sent me the link and asked if I too should announce my retirement from A&M. What a terrible thought. But totally valid based on our lack of posting. What the hell happened to us? Life happened I guess. We both had kids. We both got deeper into our careers. Ultimately we’ve had less time to dedicate to just shooting the shit.

What a depressing thought.

Jericho and I still talk every day. I guess we sorta use our Facebook status updates as one off A&M’s. Again, what a depressing thought. Just wasting our witticisms on fat relatives, former neighbors and that one chick that gave us a hummer in college and now has 4 kids. Yikes.

Well, I’m announcing today that we’re NOT retiring. We’re still living the dream. The dream that one day we’ll be asked to write full time. To quit our jobs and do this for a living. The dream that Bill Simmons will ask us to join Grantland and we’ll show up to their lavish offices and be asked to join the brainstorms and when it gets to us we’ll talk about fisting or peeing on bitches and then immediately be shown the door. Yes. That’s the dream.

Hey, Jericho, let’s get on it buddy. We got a room full of pretentious writers to offend. 


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Ain't that a bitch

by Jericho

I work with a mega bitch. Everyone works with a mega bitch but this
bitch is the mega bitch of all bitches. This bitch is fucking
mythological. She does shit that would make Zeus say, “shit, that’s
fucked. I turned into a swan and raped a bitch once and even I
wouldn’t even do half the shit that bitch does.”

The following exchange actually happened on the phone a few days ago:

Me: do you mind if I segue into another topic while I have you?

Her: that’s fine. But just so were clear, you don’t have me, I have you.

What? What the fuck does that even mean? That’s the kind of shit that
makes you look around your office for a hidden camera. Fucking
congrats, you’re cunt of the year! Hurrah! Hooray! Where should we
send your trophy, which by the way is a beaten old vagina with a
fucking trident shooting out of it? Should we mail it, or just leave
it outside of the orphanage and the next time you come to feed you can
just pick it up?