Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A real peach

By Magglio

There is nothing more unattractive then when a woman bitches about her boyfriend/husband behind his back. Some chick at my office is just lambasting her husband….”he never gets me flowers”…”he’s so unromantic”…”all he can cook is a grill cheese sandwich”.

First of all, I’m sure this chick is a real fucking peach at home. Secondly, you’re the dumbass who married this guy. The more you slam him the more it makes you look like a fool. And lastly, what does it say about your relationship that you’ll just openly rip your partner to a bunch of complete strangers when the guy isn’t even here to defend himself.

I shared this thought with Jericho. His response:

“Great point. I feel the same way about dudes who complain about their wives. Unless it's funny.”


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Super Weak.

Got a text from Scrot today. It said “There are millions of fans in pain from the 49er game who are looking to A&M for answers.” Not sure I have any answers. Or can say anything to help. But at the very least I can muster the strength to type a few thoughts on a fucking brutal Super Bowl.

Ten thoughts on a “fist in the ass” Super Bowl Sunday:

  1. Niners lost the coin toss. Niners lost the first play of the game. Niners lost the first play of the second half. Niners lost the referee battle. Niners lost average starting field position and time of possession. And still had a chance to take the lead with 2 minutes left in the game. This must be what it feels like to get a fist in the ass.   
  2. Phil Simms’ suggestion that the Niners go with Alex Smith in the second half instead of Colin Kaepernick should be grounds for being fired. What the fuck is he thinking? The Niners aren’t coming back from down 22 with Alex Smith. The Niners aren’t coming back down 17-0 to Atlanta on the road with Alex Smith. Alex Smith is an excellent game manager. But he’s not leading comebacks and making the ordinary look superhuman. Which leads us to….
  3.  Colin Kaepernick is the real fucking deal. He threw passes on a frozen rope. He made pass rushers look silly with one simple side step. He was the quickest guy on the field. Without question. This is Colin Kapernick after only after 10 games. Imagine what he looks like after a few seasons under his belt. Kaep be nimble. Kaep be quick. You’ve been warned.
  4. The Niners had more raw talent. At almost every position. But when it came to playing like a team they got their fucking lunch handed to them by Baltimore. We always knew Baltimore played like a team. But watching the Niners operate without any cohesion whatsoever may be the most surprising storyline of the entire game.
  5.  I was watching the game with some friends from Seattle. Afterwards they were having a hard time understanding why I was so disappointed. The best I could do was explain the parade that was supposed to happen. Today. Downtown. With red and gold ticker tape and a million people and the Giants driving the players in convertibles (like the Niners did for the Giants just a few months ago). That is the moment I wanted more than anything. I hope my Seattle friends get to experience this someday. And then they’ll know why I was so disappointed.
  6. A$AP Rocky and Frank Ocean are two dudes I cannot listen to enough. Both sound current. That’s the best way I can describe their respective sounds. By the way this has nothing to do with the Super Bowl.
  7.  There is no better Super Bowl food than Nachos. This isn’t even a debate. They check off every single major requirement for game day food. Unhealthy. Contains Cheese. Easy to eat in massive quantities. Quick to make. Able to feed multiple people at one time. Will cause heartburn. I dare you to name a more complete food for the Super Bowl.
  8.  I didn’t watch a single second of the half-time show. I was making Nachos.
  9. Karma. Chris Culliver says he doesn’t like gay people. They need to stay far away from the Niners locker room. And then what happens? He gets fucked in the ass on national TV by a group of long dick wide receivers in purple. Karma. Never question Karma again.
  10. You know who really benefitted from all this Harbaugh hype? Tom Crean. Two weeks of hype about your famous brother in-laws, then winning a nationally televised game the night before to regain the number 1 ranking, then standing on the sidelines to console and celebrate. You think the Oregon State coach has pull walking into a recruit’s living room as brother-in-law to Obama? Shit.  That dude has nothing on Tom Crean.
That game hurt. Real bad.


Friday, January 18, 2013

Like clockwork.

Every year, without fail, it happens. Some dude on Facebook posts something along the lines of “When is football going to be over? Sheesh.” That guy is a gigantic pussy. FYI.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Three thoughts on the Fiscal Cliff

By Jericho...
1.      The word “cliff” is fantastic and I think we should use it to describe everyday problems. Right now I’m facing a hunger cliff. In a few hours, I’ll be at a Racer 5 cliff. Two days ago I almost fell off a pussy cliff. This has potential.

2.      Regardless of how you feel about John Boehner, I think we can all agree that there’s nothing better than John Boehner press conferences. What an awesome fucking display of dickness. Can you imagine what this dude’s like at home? “John, will you bring me that basket?” “Ha. Nice try, human wife. Next question.”  

3.      This is probably a stupid question, but why aren’t we voting on what to do about the fiscal cliff? I know what you’re saying; we elect these officials to speak for us. Well, if that’s true, and if a majority of the country just re-elected Obama because he proposed certain tactics yet those same tactics are being blocked by the legislature, then why the fuck do we vote in the first place? Didn’t the country just tell the government what it wanted and the government is responding by waving a middle finger at us? Am I wrong here, human readers?

Thursday, January 10, 2013

How's it going?

By Magglio

At work, when making casual conversation in hallways, you will receive one of three responses when asking the question ‘how's it going’? 
Let me translate what the responder actually means. 
It’s good” - “I could care less about this place. I’ve been on Facebook and Gchat for about 5 hours straight. Now please get out of my way so I can eat some of Leslie’s pound cake she left in the kitchen before those fatties in IT get their sausage fingers all over it.”
“BUSY!” – “I want you to think I work REALLY hard. Yes, I stay at work until 8pm every single day and totally neglect my family/personal time because I believe it gives the perception that I work REALLY hard and am REALLY important. But in actuality I’m terribly inefficient and not really smart cause if I was I could get my work done much quicker and do a blog post on the side all within an 8 hour day.”
“It’s ok” –“Please ask me what’s wrong. I need some positive male attention in my life. I’ve thrown in the towel on my New Year’s resolutions already. My boyfriend/husband told me I’m getting fat.  And I’ve just housed some Chipotle alone at my desk while reading TMZ and saying things like ‘that’s too skinny’ to nobody in particular.”