Thursday, February 28, 2008

Is it Friday yet?

I’m still pissed about Diablo Cody winning an Academy Award for Best Screenplay. Look, Juno was a good movie. Hell, Juno was a great movie. But best screenplay? No way. There were so many RTs, so much forced teenage dialogue, so many moments where I cringed because that’s just not the way kids talk. I feel like crusty old Academy voters felt like they were finally connecting to a younger generation and assumed the dialogue was ‘just the way the kids talk these days’. So they voted for it. Can you imagine when you tell grandpa something and he replies “serious to blog?”. Yuck. On the other hand, you have to appreciate that Diablo Cody became the first screenwriter to win an Oscar and then have naked pics of her posted on the internet the next day. Glad it was her and not Tony Gilroy.

Side note: That pic is not of Diablo Cody. It's of Antonella Barba, from last season's Amercian Idol. Know your pop culture. Thank you.

Drinking at the movies is not only encouraged here at A&M it is strongly recommended. (if you’re 21 or older, of course.) We’re always scouting good movies to bring a little Southern Comfort along. Some previous favorites? Little Miss Sunshine, Because of Winn Dixie (come on, it was Dave Matthews) and Blades of Glory. Next on our radar? Step Brothers. Will Farrell owns this category. We wanted to see Into the Wild but it seemed a bit blasphemous to be getting tanked as we watched a guy starve to death on screen. Unfortunately I went empty handed to see Fred Claus. It would’ve taken at lot more than a pint to make that movie good.


You know who would fit perfectly into the Niners and Mike Martz’s offense? Colt Brennan. The Niners could draft him in the 5th round, nab Devin Thomas (WR from MSU) in the 1st round and build a team that can actually move the ball. There was a telling point last season when Nate Clemens picked off a pass and the announcers were saying he had to score if the Niners had any chance of winning. He didn’t score on the return. And, not surprisingly, they didn’t win.

I’m not watching American Idol, not since AG was voted off. I am watching Project Runway and am not afraid to admit it. I could listen to The Beatles’ Abby Road all day long. My new apt has a back yard which has and will change my life. My dog only has one eye. I haven’t had a proper drink in 2+ weeks. Washington plays Stanford tonight and it’s not on TV. Is that really how bad the Huskies are? The Giants first spring training game is today. I will pick Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain with my first 2 picks in every Fantasy Baseball league I’m in this year. I landed 2 tickets to see Eddie Vedder in Berkeley in March. I’ll probably scalp them both. I feel like head butting everyone at work today. And not in a celebratory way.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A Few A&Ms for a Wednesday

The recent “I’m Fucking” videos have served as a glaring reminder of just how big the coolness gap between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck is. Matt did it first; Matt did it better and, like most of his acting performances, Ben’s video tries a little too hard. This debate was decided a long time ago - right around the time Matt was premiering the first Bourne movie and Ben was offering to floss for Jenny but she turned it down because after all, if she was ever in the mood for flossing she had her own – but if you need another reminder, there it is.

Think about this question before answering, kids. Would the world be a better place if we could push a button and immediately remove all a) religion b) nuclear weapons or c) disease?

Got your answer? If you answered “b” or “c” you’re a moron.

Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds were recently seen hanging out in Vegas together, partying at Pure and gambling until 5am. Through our contacts at the Hard Rock, we actually got a transcript of a conversation the two of them had at a blackjack table very late at night, take a look:

BB: Man, I got that Queen again! Barry hate the way this bitch look at him!

TO: That white bitch ain’t know shit. Let’s get some waffles.

BB: Barry can’t eat no waffles. Barry don’t eat nothing that he don’t know what in it.

TO: (tearing up) You can’t talk about waffles like that. It’s not fair. Okay? It’s not fair. That’s my favorite. That’s my breakfast.

BB: Barry hate this hand! Okay, Vegas, you win. You wanted to break Barry, well you broke him. You wanted Barry to jump, well the wind is blowing Barry’s hair around and Barry’s clothes are flapping back and forth because Barry jumped and now gravity is working on Barry.

TO: Gravity don’t work on TO! TO decide what shit goes up and when that shit come down!

BB: Barry agree!

TO: You hungry yet?

BB: No, Barry ain’t want no chewing! Barry decide when Barry eat and when Barry…Barry starving!

TO: Oh shoot.

The Justice Department has been ordered to investigate whether or not Roger Clemens committed perjury by lying in his senate hearing a few days ago. In other news, Congress has convened in an emergency session to determine who actually was the best dressed at the Oscars, Senator Horman Cranst (R, Oregon) will shave his scrotum in a special session so that the Senate can finally answer the age old question of “does shaving your balls really make your dick look bigger?” and the Supreme Court will decide the legal implications of Panic at the Disco dropping the exclamation point.

I know we joke a lot here at A&M, but I wanted to call attention to a very cool, very important event that happened a few days ago. The New York Philharmonic recently visited North Korea for a seminal, 2-day run that was an operatic movement towards peace and unity. For a brief moment, cries of “terrorism!” and “sanctions!” went as deaf as Ludwig van Beethoven and the only WMD on hand were Wolfgang Mendelssohn Dyoshtetevsky. We may not be able to orchestrate a treaty, but we can orchestrate an orchestration. Bravo.

Yahoo! turning down MSFT’s bid happened a few weeks ago, but I was busy and didn’t get to chime in, so here goes: Yahoo! turning down MSFT is akin to having Alessandra Ambrosio offer to blow you twice a day but turning it down because you’d rather just wear silk boxers.

Yahoo! is fucking Betamax, that’s how fucking worthless they are at this point. This will be remembered as one of the dumbest and costly decisions of all time. No offense to Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang, but you are wong on this. Way wong.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

To spend...or not to spend

We moved last weekend. We uprooted our peaceful little home, crammed it all into boxes and then spewed our lives all over our new place of residence. For those of you who haven’t moved in a while or forgot what it’s like let me have the pleasure of reminding you. It sucks. It royally sucks. It sucks like an outdoor festival with the Von Bondies opening and Smashing Pumpkins as the headliner. Yeah. That’s how bad it sucks.

Let me put things into perspective for you. For the third consecutive day I’m wearing my wife’s deodorant. I smell like a cucumber salad. Every night I’ve had to search through boxes to find something to make for dinner. Going to the bathroom is like competing in American Gladiators. At any point in time a pile of clothes, a sharp object or a wayward box could end my life. Now imagine trying to find the bathroom with the lights out. Yeah, it sucks.

The past 2 weeks have been a train wreck of tape, boxes, bad pizza and a sore back. Nothing fucks up your life quite like moving. There’s the terrible purgatory state in which nothing is settled. I’m literally dreading going home tonight because I know the mountain of shit that awaits.

Last week, I got into a fight with a roll of packing tape that lasted 20 minutes. The open strip of tape somehow sealed back onto the rest of the roll. After finally relocating the starting point I spent the next 18 minutes picking and picking away trying to get it going again. I shit you not. Little shards of clear tape flew off in every direction. Big strips turned to small strips. Eventually I gave up and threw the whole roll away. I wish I would’ve spent the extra money on packing tape. I selected the $1.29 generic roll over the $3.29 big brand name. Costly mistake. How could I have known? It got me thinking, there are certain things in life you should spend money on. There are other things in life you’d be stupid to spend money on. Let’s explore.

Cardboard boxes: Save your cash
These are abundant. Go to any recycling center, grocery store or anywhere on Market St. from 3rd to 8th and you can pilfer some good boxes. We actually stopped by UPS to see how much they cost…$8.50 a box. Are you kidding me? We laughed and left and completed our move without spending a single dollar on a box. Felt good about it too.

Shoes: Spend your cash
This is a definite. I don’t care if you’re dirt poor, invest in a good pair of shoes. No fluctuating on this one. I know that Jericho disagrees with this one. He wears thrift store shoes often. But not me. I’ll happily drop some bills on a nice pair of shoes. Mark Nason anyone?

Giants tickets: Save your cash
Please note this has nothing to do with the quality of baseball on the field. But is has always been my goal to go to as many Giants games as possible without spending a dime on a ticket. It’s not as hard as it sounds. There are so many floating around in corporate America. My advice? Make friends with a large printing house. Those dudes ALWAYS have seats. Or start blowing Peter Magowan. That works too.

Produce: Spend your cash

Nothing worse than a dried out orange or a mangled apple. Spend the extra ten bucks and buy your produce at Whole Foods or the farmers market. It makes fruit taste like candy.

Porn: Save your cash
If you can’t find good free porn online then you don’t know what you’re doing. Email for tips on some good sites.

Shampoo, Conditioner, Hair Gel: Save your cash
This one is simple. Just use your chick’s stuff. Sure, it costs her a fortune but you don’t need much and if you’re sly about it then you can get away with it for months. Better yet, if your girlfriend has roommates you can use stuff from each of them. It delays them finding out. (sorry…and thanks Andrea). Added bonus, your hair will shine like a 12-year-old school girl.

Sugar: Save your cash

Steal it from Starbucks. They never pay attention. But only use the Sugar in the Raw. The fake shit will kill you someday.

Wrapping Paper: Save your cash
Use newspaper. You learned this one in 4th grade. No need to thank us.

Pens, paper, rubber bands, etc: Save your cash

Steal from work. Everyone knows that.

Umbrellas: Save your cash
Never, I repeat, never buy an umbrella. What’s the point? You’ll lose it anyways. Just wait until one falls into your possession. It’ll happen. Just give it time.

Good workout clothes: Save your cash
Sure they provide a porous surface to release sweat while you blah blah blah. Problem is you look like a fuckwad who spend $65 bucks on a workout shirt. Try old frat shirts. Those work the best.

Ketchup: Spend your cash
You definitely don’t want to be the guy who brings out the Hunts.

Monday, February 25, 2008

10 Thoughts on the Oscars


Solid all around show, good opening monologue, good speeches, nothing really memorable but entertaining throughout. Solid B+

Anyone who is calling Actress and Best Supporting Actress upsets hasn’t seen those two performances. La Vie En Rose was just ok, but Marion Cottilard absolutely killed that role, a total 100% transformation. I haven’t seen Away From Her so I’m a bit biased, but I can’t see anyone being better than Cottilard, might be the best performance I saw all year.

Best Supporting Actress is always the most difficult category to call, I was personally pulling for Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone, but Tilda Swinton was incredible in Michael Clayton. On a side note, how fucking weird is Tilda Swinton? Seriously. You know how we often refer to great actors as “chameleons?” – well Tilda Swinton is a chameleon… literally. Would anyone be surprised if it was revealed that she lays eggs? Me neither.

I take back my earlier comments about Eddie Vedder not being nominated for best song. After seeing the three whimsical Enchanted songs and the uplifting, touching choir number from August Rush, I don’t think Eddie was robbed at all, he had a good song, a great song, but he was way out of his league last night.

(Are you fucking kidding me!?!?)

Once! Yes, yes, yes! I honestly yelled out loud when they won. I’m telling you, see this movie please, I don’t ask much. If you rent it and don’t love it Magglio will blow you. I promise.

The most ridiculous thing about the Oscars is how strict they are about the acceptance speeches yet bore us with fifteen minute long montages, a fact that Jon Stewart skewered brilliantly with the binoculars and periscopes skit. You have to love that the Oscars are billed as a night to award the best in film, when really the Oscars are about celebrating the Oscars.

The best part about Diablo Cody is that even though she’s the hot new thing and an Oscar winner, she’ll still blow you for $15. You have to respect that.

Did you know that George Clooney sweats courage and that every time he smiles a child dreams of peace in French even if they don’t speak French? What’s up with his chick? Why does she always look like she’s trying to read a sign that’s too far away?

Do you realize that all of the acting trophies went to foreigners last night? Javier = Spain. Cotillard = France. Swinton = England. Day-Lewis = wherever the fuck he wants.

Really happy with all of the awards last night, some really deserving people won. I would rather have Michael Clayton for screenplay over Juno, and PT over the Coens for directing, but you really can’t complain with how everything worked out. See ya next year.

And just for fun, since we’ve officially wrapped up the movie year, here’s my updated and final top 10 list:

1. No Country
2. There Will Be Blood
3. Michael Clayton
4. Sweeney Todd
5. Once
6. Gone Baby Gone
7. Eastern Promises
8. Atonement
9. Juno
10. Bourne Ultimatum

Friday, February 22, 2008

A Few A&Ms for a Friday

Had about four minutes to eat lunch yesterday and ran over to a sketchy Mexican place where I heard a woman in a power suit ask the woman at the register, “what’s good here?” Are you kidding me, lady? You don’t ask what’s good at a sketchy Mexican place, you order the simplest thing on the menu and pray that you can get through the meeting before the diarrhea kicks in.

You know you’re at a “boys weekend” when the subject of sexual exploits comes up and someone says, “I beat that pussy like it owed me money.” Fair. Totally fair.

Did anyone see the lunar eclipse the other night?!?! Big fucking whoop. Seeing a lunar eclipse is kind of like seeing Meg Ryan naked, everyone should do it once and then just move on.

If you had a long drunken night with your buddies and are laying in bed trying to figure out how much money you spent, here’s a great litmus test: if there are pictures of you in a limo and you have no recollection of being in a limo then you spent a shitload of money.

Two fun celebrity-oriented headlines and two bad jokes to go with them:

"Stars who attended Punk'd star Ashton Kutcher's 30th birthday party in New York are among those being urged to get a vaccination against Hepatitis A."

After getting Punk’d, Ashton’s friends now have to get Prick’d! Or, now that’s what I call schwag!

“There are two new kids on the block joining Jenny.”

Don’t be fooled by the twins that I popped, I got an extra stitch in my twat. Or, the Earth welcomed two more people who hate that "El Cantante" movie.

Oscar predictions:

Best Picture
Will Win: No Country
Should Win: No Country

Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis
Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis

Will Win: Julie Christie
Should Win: Helena Bonham Carter (not nominated)

Supporting Actor
Will Win: Javier Bardem
Should Win: Tommy Lee Jones (not nominated, but I’m more than happy with Javier winning)

Supporting Actress
Will Win: Cate Blanchett
Should Win: Amy Ryan

Original Screenplay
Will Win: Juno
Should Win: Michael Clayton

Adapted Screenplay
Will Win: No Country
Should Win: There Will Be Blood

Thursday, February 21, 2008

More...Apples and Moustaches

If you’re a regular reader, which we’d assume you are, then you read yesterday how we hyped Baron Davis’ 4th quarter heroics. Then, if you are an avid Bay Area sports fan, which again we’d assume you are, you watched the Warriors play Boston last night and witnessed Davis end the game at the buzzer with a leaning jumper. What’s my point? I have none. But last night, when the Warriors got the ball with 6 seconds left, there wasn’t a single person on the court, in the arena or watching on TV that didn’t think Baron Davis was taking that final shot. To watch it executed was pure brilliance. I’m telling ya – the Warriors are the best team in the NBA to watch. Now if they can only pull of a trade in the next hour before the deadline to land a big man. That would be something sweet huh?

Top 5 music albums I’m listening to this week:

  1. Radiohead – In Rainbows
  2. Daft Punk – Alive 2007
  3. Elliot Smith – Either/Or
  4. Band of Horses – Cease to Begin
  5. Hot Chip – Made in the dark

Dude – fuck this rain. Seriously. Enough all ready.

One thing they didn’t tell you about being a grown up: cable TV is fucking expensive. I just paid $160 to Comcast this month. For TV and Internet. You’d think I’d get a complimentary reach around for that amount. Nope, just TV and Internet. I think I’m getting hosed. Sure, I have 800 channels, but I only watch like 9 of them. There should be a way to just pay for the channels you want. Like an a la carte selection of shows. Have you ever seen all the crap they put on there? Nobody watches the Motorcross channel or the Fun with Kittens channel.

Side note: The NFL combine starts today. USC leads the invite list with 12 followed closely by Virginia Tech with 11. Cal has 7. Still trying to find a count for Washington. The NFL Network has full coverage if you want to watch at home. I however do not get the NFL Network. It costs more. No really.

In case you missed it, Jericho is MIA this week. He’s being a big fat pussy. I just got off the phone with him. He’s at the Moscone Center for some big nerd trade show. He’s the leader of the nerds, so they need him there to orchestrate the nerdiness. Hurry on over cause at 1pm Jericho is conducting a panel called “Making the Light Saber a Reality: A plan for anal masturbation.” Nerd.

You know who has a dumb face? Chad Ford. That’s who.

Miss L is a pervert. Sweet.

I can’t tell if this site is cool. I’m leaning towards not really. Actually I just checked it out even more. It’s super creepy. Do not click on the link. I repeat, do not click on the link. This is as creepy as taking a ‘personality test’ on the side of the road and then continuing to get mail in the months to come encouraging you to visit the local Church of Scientology. This is as creepy as the single gay guy who lives below us and has thousands and thousands of framed paintings of children dressed in early 19th century clothing. Well, not that creepy, but you get the point. You’ve been warned.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Apples and Moustaches - cause the sun came out

I’ve always hated watching the NBA during the regular season. It’s just one-on-ones and lackluster effort until the last 5 minutes or so when the ‘star’ player just drives to the lane and hopes for an 'and one' situation. But all that has changed this season with Golden State. Now this is a team I can rally behind. They’re explosive, they’re fast paced and they play as a team. And is there a cooler player in the NBA than Baron Davis? There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that when it comes down to the 4th quarter, Baron is getting the ball and Baron is going to score. Monta Ellis may actually be the best player on the team and Steven Jackson plays like a fucking maniac. How about a new slogan for this season: “Warriors basketball. Bring it bitch.”

Rumor Mill: The Niners are interested in DeSean Jackson with their 1st round pick. Here’s a message to the brain trusts at the Niners…what the fuck are you thinking? DeSean Jackson is the most overrated player coming into the draft since Tony Mandarich. This guy is a bust in the making. My prediction? He’s injured and out of football in 2 seasons…tops. Look, I’m not wishing any harm on him, but he’s just not physically strong enough to compete at the NFL level. And word on the street is that DeSean Jackson doesn’t work out. Ever. Hmm. Sounds like a great plan for a prosperous NFL career.

Side note: I’m not sure who the Niners should take with the 29th pick overall. I’m going to defer to Jericho on this one. For some reason he’s really good at this sort of stuff. Last year all he talked about was how the Niners should pick some stud LB named Patrick Willis. Nuff said. We’ll let Jericho weigh in on this one.


Can baseball please get here any quicker? Every year, without fail, my brother calls me and tells me, in earnest, that he thinks we have a shot at winning it all this year. Well you know what? He just called. And I think this year he’s making some sense. I’m reading articles about the Giants like they’re laced with crack cocaine. And not that cheap shit you find on Market and 8th, I’m talking Union and Fillmore crack….the good stuff. Did you know we have a SS prospect named Brian Bocock? How fucking sweet is that? Look, I may make fun of our lineup and I may laugh when we send Brian Wilson out in the 9th to seal the deal…but I sure as shit believe in this team and believe they are going to compete for the NL West.

Side note: My friend Brett put together a cool baseball pool this year where you pick which teams will win the division, guess who will win the major awards, who will have big stats, etc. It’s only 20 bucks to enter. And it’s a whole season of fun. Email me if you want in.

Question: Is the strike going to affect TV ratings when shows are back on the air? I find myself happy that I haven’t been glued to the TV as much. Sure, I miss The Office and 30 Rock, but no longer am I rushing to get home on Wednesdays for the Bionic Woman. Damn it! That girl on girl thing they were insinuating was just about to come to fruition. Anyways, as long as Road Rules/Real World is still in tact then who cares what happens to the rest of ‘em. Right?

Best dunk of the Slam Dunk Contest: The Birthday Cake…by Gerald Green. Look, Dwight Howard is amazingly talented and can jump out of the gym. But he’s also 6’10”. He SHOULD be able to dunk with ease. He’s not Rayne Mahaffey for fuck’s sake. Gerald Green on the other hand showed the most creativity in my opinion. Wow! Dwight Howard put on a cape?! What a zany guy!

Side note: In 2001, when Vince Carter competed, it was hands down the most exciting dunk contest of all time. Better than the Jordan/’Nique showdowns of the 80s. There. I said it. Nothing else has even come close. Get off your high horse Magic.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Sloppy Hoots

We're going to let this picture do the heavy lifting for today. In honor of Lindsay Lohan letting the dogs out we can't really find much else to write/talk about. Lots of different words have been used to describe what she's working with. We keep coming back to 'cans'. Seems appropo. Well, here's to you Lindsay. Thank you for the late Valentine's day present. (Hugh Hefner must be kicking one his blondes right now wondering why he wasn't first to get these.)

Side note: We're figuring the reason she decided to show them now is because likely in 3-5 years she's going to be tucking her Hermans into her waist. Way to seize the moment LiLo. And again, thank you.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Happy Friday

So nice. A long 3-day weekend is ahead, the sun is starting to come out and the Giants haven’t lost a single game yet this season. This is one of those days though. Jericho has mumbled all of 5 words to me. Something about 'so busy', 'work is crazy', 'i'm a grown up now', 'blah blah'. Whatever. Asshole. So enjoy the photo above, and here are 5 thoughts/links/things to leave you with before this glorious weekend begins:

1. Eddie Vedder just announced a very small west coast solo tour. He’s calling it his April Fool’s tour. Rumor has him playing at Zellerbach Hall in Berkeley. Sweet. Tickets will be impossible to get but damn that sounds pretty nice.

2. I have a drinking chess set that I have yet to take out of its box. Anyone out there want to play? Basically, the chess pieces are all shot glasses, you fill them up, and everytime a piece is captured you have to take a shot. I’m thinking this could be a good way to celebrate President’s Day Monday…any takers?

3. The Falcons just unloaded a mess of players including Alge Crumplerstilsken (I won' t stop calling him this until Chris Berman officially adopts it on air...Michael are you still spreading the word?) and Byron Leftwich. Thoughts on where Leftwich is going next season? My money is on the Niners, Redskins or Bears. Sad when a QB falls off so quickly like Leftwich has. Kinda like what happened to Culpepper.

4. And…Happy Anniversary!…It was just 16 years ago today that Jeffery Dahmer was sentenced to fifteen consecutive life terms for the murder of fifteen people. Here’s to you Jeff. I hope you’re spending your days in hell rotting uncomfortably.

5. MTV has just announced it will be hosting the first ever Real World Awards Bash on March 29th. And you, the faithful viewers at home, have the opportunity to vote. Personally, I think the categories are kinda weak. They should be structured like in High School, with the ‘most likely to’ format. Like, most likely to succeed, most likely to wind up 50 years old and still competing on the Gauntlet. Most likely to marry an NBA player. Most likely to appear in an informercial. Most likely to develop a nasty methamphetamine addiction. And so on. And so forth.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Let's Play Word Association

by Magglio & Jericho
As a friendly reminder, word association is a game we like to play on occassion which is basically top of the head thoughts/reactions on one word triggers. Usually conducted over IM, one of us gives the other person the word to react to. Every word/subject was used this time except for 'dingleberries'. Jericho didn't want to react to that one. Here are our unedited responses.

Jason Kidd
Remember when Jason Kidd was a rookie on the Mavs and he said that the team was about to do a 360? Well, they just did.

The Other Boleyn Girl
How much hotter is Natalie Portman than Scarlett Johansson? With that said and agreed upon, how much more would you rather nail Scarlett?

Croissants are kind of like pills and sluts, if they're not really, really bad for you what's the point?

Valentines’ Day
The one day of the year when crappy husbands get to pretend they're good husbands - analogous to McConaughey playing a physicist so he can pretend he can spell.

SF Giants Lineup
A Russ Davis and a Tyoshi Shinjo away from breaking the record of most visible labias on one MLB roster.

A joke, not ours:
A man comes home on Valentine's Day with a duck under his arm.
His wife meets him at the door.
He says "This is the pig I'm fucking".
"That's not a pig, it's a duck," she replies.
"I was talking to the duck."

SI Swimsuit Issue
15 years ago this would have been the most bonerific week of my young life. Now? Please. If I wanted a good dry hump I'd go sit in the park at lunchtime when the weather gets warm.


The SI swimsuit is kind of like my nipples, I really don't need them, but I'm really glad I have them.

Zach Thomas, who has more tackles than any linebacker in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, will be released by the Miami Dolphins, a league source said Thursday afternoon.
Tackles are a crucial but ultimately misleading stat. Where on the field were the tackles made? Why isn't that a stat? Total number of yards gained before the tackle, that would help determine how good the player was. Is he a HOFer? Well, was there ever a time where he was in the top three of his position? No. Will you remember him 20 years from now? No. Does he look like what happens when Brian Urlacher fucks Treat Williams? Yes.

Superdelegates voting against the popular vote
The superdelegate thing makes no sense, it seems incredibly undemocratic - shouldn't the party who got fucked in 2000 by winning the popular vote but losing the election reject a system like this? Isn't this like using cocaine to get cure your cocaine addiction?

Sheryl Crow
When I hear her name it's like bad cramps from dinner the night before. Every now and then it hurts and you have to release a dreadful smell to release the pain. After a few days, and a few messy bathroom adventures, it eventually works itself out. Other than that I love Sheryl Crow.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

3 Apples, 2 Moustaches

You gotta watch who’s buttering your bread these days. It’s a tricky world out there and it’s only getting trickier. With TIVO and DVR becoming more prevalent, advertisers are getting sneakier about product placements. Witness Real World/Road Rules Challenge, they wear Under Armour clothes, they compete for a Zune and they eat all of their meals at the Chili’s Diarrhea Galleria. Ok, I made that last one up. But it’s everywhere. I was just on and one of the top stories was about how this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover image was “magic.” I was confused. Until I realized that CNN owns SI. Magic? I’ll be the judge of that.

Pitchers and catchers report tomorrow. The Giants will be interesting to watch again because of their pitching. Other than that this team falls pretty flat. Dan Ortmeier, Kevin Frandsen and Nate Schierholtz…sounds like the western regional sales team for First Choice Life Insurance. Nope, folks. That’s your SF Giants. Side note: Barry Zito will have a great year. I am positive of this. He is such a head case and last year was way too much pressure. But now he’s had time to cool off. He’s recognizably not even the best pitcher on this staff. It’s a perfect scenario for Zito. Could this be the first year a SF Giant wins the Cy Young?

The incessant man-crying on The Biggest Loser has to stop. So does the psycho therapy. We get it. You’re fat. Your parents divorced at an early age. You found solace in food. Boo-hoo. Now shake it off and get back in the gym. I want to see nothing else on this show besides, challenges, temptations, workouts and a breakdown of everything they put into their body. If you’re keeping track at home (which I am) it took 8 episodes before they made any mention of an actual food they’re putting into their body (save the product placements for Quaker Oatmeal, Extra Gum, etc). Last night we were told that a turkey sandwich for lunch with a piece of fruit is a great way to stave off hunger. Thanks. Brilliant insight.

Fuck Roger Clemens. If he would’ve just manned up and apologized or said he needed a little dab of HGH to get over a painful injury (who hasn’t) then we would’ve all forgave him and moved on. But no. He’s trying to prove a point and in the end he’s gonna end up looking like a bitch. He’ll never make the Hall of Fame and his name will forever be synonymous with steroid users like Bonds, Sosa and McGuire. Step 1 for Roger, fire your PR guy/advisor. Step 2, stop injecting family members with HGH. Step 3, move the compound to Montana and open up a slaughterhouse like Bo Jackson did. Live off the millions, join the local hunting association and drink with the locals at the pub. Is it a sad way to end your illustrious career? Yes. Is it better than the alternative which is making us all watch you get picked apart in the media culminating in a Sunday Conversation on ESPN with Roy Firestone (remember that guy?) where you break down and say you did it for the love of the game? I think so. Whatever. I hate that I wasted my breath on you today.

Heidi Montag is smoking hot. There, I said it. Her video? Despicable. Her boyfriend? Such a tool. Her 15 minutes of fame? Almost up. Her next video, also filmed and directed by said d-bag boyfriend? To be released any day now. Anybody who spends 99 cents on her song on iTunes is dumber than Roger Clemens’ disaster control advisor. On a side note, the new season of The Hills is filming now and should start again in the fall. I can’t wait.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Forgive me for I have sinned

Dear Diary,

I went to Vegas last weekend. They weren’t kidding. What happens in Vegas definitely should stay in Vegas. The best way to describe my 36 hours in Sin City would be this: I treated Vegas like I had never been there and like I was never going back. Translation: I went bat shit crazy. Ten observations from a hedonistic weekend:

1. Every chick who works in Vegas dresses like a stripper. It doesn’t matter if it’s a cocktail waitress, the lady at the concierge desk or the person banging on my door at 9am asking if I want my bed made up. I saw your little outfit through the peephole. Sexy little maid, I know what you were up to.

2. Betting the over/under is the most underrated bet in sports. Full credit goes to Jericho who regularly bets over/under lines on Monday Night Football games. I gave it a whirl and spent 2.5 hours Saturday morning doing quick math in my head, chewing through my finger nails and praying shots wouldn’t fall in the Georgia Tech / UCONN game. Though the game was already decided, the last 3 minutes were intense. I wound up winning on the under…one of only a handful of sports bets I would win all weekend.

3. New rule: When in Vegas it is totally acceptable to order the most obnoxious girly drink possible. Not only is this acceptable, it is almost required. We went to The Beatles’ LOVE show at the Mirage on Saturday night. (Side note: Fantastic show. Don’t let the training wheels version from the Grammy’s Sunday sway your thoughts. This was a 2 hour visual mind trip. I highly recommend it.) We decided to grab drinks at the concession stand before the show. EVERYTHING about the drink I ordered was obnoxious. The size, 40oz in a see through cup. The color, bright red. The alcohol, about 6 shots. The price, $20. Needless to say I was comfortably numb for the duration of the performance.

4. I was right. Strippers are way more into chicks then they are into guys. Jericho put it best; “it’s because chicks don’t have a giant boner jabbing into them the whole time.” Well said Jericho, well said.

5. When you arrive on a Friday night, no matter what time it is, you need to treat it like it’s about 7pm. Get settled in your room, change your clothes, have a pre-drink warm-up, go to a good a dinner and then hit the town. Sure, you’ll end up going to bed around 5 or 6am but hell it’s Vegas…what the fuck else are you going to do?

6. Vegas is not a Vegetarian friendly place. I knew this going in. I wasn’t expecting any great food options, but there were at least 3 restaurants where my only option was the fried cheese sticks or the fried tempura. My fault, I know, my fault.

7. Spotted Frank Thomas at about 3am at a ‘club’. He’s fucking gigantic. One of the larger humans I’ve ever seen. I am positive he could have played professional football and started at the offensive or defensive tackle position.

8. The guy who stands in the bathroom to hand you a towel after you’ve washed up is so prevalent in Vegas they must have their own union. It was shocking. I went to a bathroom that was seriously no bigger than 4 feet square and of course there was a guy in there, casually hanging out, offering me Tic-Tacs after I had done my business. It’s incredible. What a shitty job. Pun intended.

9. Quick hits: Fuck Cal for getting blown out by Oregon at home. Fuck Georgetown for losing at Louisville and fuck Stanford for only beating Oregon State by 15. And while we’re at it, fuck the pro-bowl. Anyone who watched the game, let alone bet on it, is a fucking idiot.

10. Two bets I made I thought you all should know about: 1) Jacksonville to win the 2009 Super Bowl at 15 to 1 odds. 2) Arizona Diamondbacks to win the 2009 World Series at 20 to 1 odds. But hey, what do I know?

So Diary, it was a rousing good time all around. I will never stay on the strip again, the Hard Rock was perfect. We left Vegas at the perfect time and as always I was so glad to be home. I just hope what actually happened in Vegas definitely stays in Vegas.

Email if you want to see pictures.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Thoughts on the Grammys

- by Magglio and Jericho

***(Warning: Gratuitous verbal fellatio about to commence.) Love him or hate him, Kanye West is one of the best performers of our generation. He transcends genres with his style and his stage presence. He’s like a badass rock star the way he commands the stage. Watch any other “rapper” perform live and it’s crap (except for Jay-Z, I guess). But Kanye? He owns that stage; he spits lyrics like he’s possessed and though he reminds us non-stop, he is in fact the best there is. And last night with Daft Punk, the pyramid, those glasses and the lit up violins, this performance will go down in history as one of the best ever.

***Four thoughts on Carrie Underwood:
1) Isn’t she the exact person she’s signing about in her song? Doesn’t she have bleached blond hair and is there any way that her skinny ass could take a shot of whiskey?

2) Carrie Underwood and Riahnna are battling for this year’s “we used to be kinda hot but now are so skinny that we look like 12 yr old boys and not in a good way” award.

3) I’m not sure who I feel worse for: the guy in Carrie’s song, who got totally stalked and terrorized by a pyshco or the spaghetti strap on Aretha Franklin’s right shoulder that got totally swallowed by her ham shoulders.

4) Ladies, once again let’s recap the lesson we can all learn from “before he cheats” – blow him. Just blow him. Blow him when he asks, blow him before he asks, it’s not difficult and it’ll make all the difference in the world. Trust me.

***Was anyone else shocked by how big Tina Turner got? Love may not have anything to do with it, but barbeque sauce sure does.

***Amy Winehouse’s performance was so ironic last night you could almost hear Alanis Morrisette talking about a free ride that she just didn’t take. Watching Winehouse seduce the camera, wriggle around like a crack addict and croon about not going to rehab seemed so textbook part of me had to laugh. But damnit, it worked. First, that bitch can sing. Second, she is in fact cracked out and plays the part accordingly And lastly, what the fuck was Cuba Gooding Jr. doing there? And why was he announced as ‘Cooba’ instead of “Cuba”?

***In an effort to boost ratings, NBC just announced a new team will join the cast of The Biggest Loser, couples. Starting next week, Beyonce and Alicia Keyes will be battling other obese contestants for the right to be called the biggest loser. (to which Jericho replied “lay off the sistas!”)

***Ok, I don’t get it. What is the time frame for when music is eligible? Didn’t Amy Winehouse perform at last year’s show and wasn’t her album from like 2006? I remember this happening when Outkast’s Hey Ya! was up for awards for like 3 years running. I think Norah Jones won 2 years in a row for the same song. I think the music industry just kinda makes it up as they go. I’m so confused.

***Ringo Starr can do whatever he wants. I mean, admittedly he was the least talented Beatle, but the man walks on water. What are you supposed to say to him? He’s a Beatle for fuck’s sake. It’s the equivalent when Jerry Rice enters a Super Bowl party or Michael Jordan shows up at a basketball tournament. These guys are about as big as you can get. It’s too bad Yoko and her dumb hat had to be there.

***As far as Alicia Keys goes, remember that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry is dating that chick who is hot or ugly depending on the light? We’re convinced Alicia changes gender in certain lights. In the ‘No One’ video she changes sides more times than Anne Heche. (Insert Jay Leno head bob here)

***At 86 years young, Tina Turner looked like she had the face of a 65-year-old. It’s amazing what plastic surgery can do for people isn’t it? I mean what the fuck was she thinking? Sure, she can’t move her face, it looks like she’s half smiling, half wincing and half farting at all times, but at least there were no wrinkles! I don’t get it.

Friday, February 8, 2008

It's just one of those days...

Hard to put a finger on it really. I think Monica said it best. "It's just one of those days/that a girl goes through/It's just one of those days/when I wanna be all alone." Yeah, I just went there.

Get the fuck out:
1. Chris Webber
2. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson
3. Boston Sports
4. Johnny Bananas
5. Randy Jackson...Can you dig it?

Come on in, the water's great:
1. Christina Aguilera and her gigantic MILF tits
2. Monta Ellis
3. Frances Bean Cobain
4. Brian McNamee saving needles and vials of Clemens' blood...for a rainy day. 
5. Joe Crede

Five predictions for Vegas this weekend:
1. I blow all my money waiting for the 2 to hit in Roulette
2. The strippers are more interested in my wife than with me
3. AFC beats the NFC by at least 10 
2. Stanford covers against Oregon State at home Saturday
2. Jags have 15-1 odds to win it all next season. Interesting.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

A&M's Plan to Fix The Nation

With the election season in full swing, we’ve been inundated with pundits, policies, but more than anything, politics as usual. Sure there have been some great ideas, some interesting debate, but will any of these proposed changes really have the kind of effect our country desperately needs? Obviously the jury is still out on this one, but after watching about 150,000 hours of CNN the last few months, we put our heads together and came up with 5 innovative, yet highly controversial ways to fix our nation. Without further ado:

1. Election Half Day

Look, here’s a conspiracy that I will believe until proven otherwise. The major political parties do not want you to vote. The lower the voter turn out the easier an election is to predict and control. Opening up an election to new voters creates all kinds of unforeseen variables (which is actually why the Republicans are terrified of Obama right now.) You know what? Fuck this. Under this new rule, employees are allowed to take a ½ day on Election Day as long as they bring their voting receipt with them to verify that they did in fact vote and didn’t just watch Saved By The Bell. Organizations with the highest percentage of voters (not total number, but percentage of staff) will be given a special tax break at the end of the year, known as the “Voter Exemption.”

2. Candidate Transparency

Debates, political ads and ultimately elections are mostly won based on the policies of the candidates, how well defined their policies are and how well they present them. Here’s the catch though, policies really don’t mean shit at this stage. We get way too wrapped up in ideas forgetting that our political system includes several other branches of government. Obama’s health care plan sure does sound great at this stage, but it’ll go through 15,000 revisions and still has to pass through both houses. With that said, I think we focus way too much on policy and not enough on personality. Therefore, from this point on favorite movies, CDs, wide receivers, snacks, travel destinations, pastas, wine, brand of socks will be just as important as a probably doomed health care plan. There’s absolutely no way to predict what will happen during a presidential term, we need to get to know these people better so that we can trust that they’ll act the right way when the shit hits the fan. Have you seen the “My Pet Goat” clip? Pretty terrifying, huh? I’m pretty sure that didn’t have anything to do with his national defense plan when he was running. In real life you form opinions on people based on their first concert, whether or not they like Leno or Letterman, whether or not they love or hate cilantro (ever notice how there’s no middle ground with cilantro), why should a president be any different?

3. Third Party Advisors

OK, I realize #2 is a crazy idea and that elections will always be decided by policies. With that said, what do you do when two candidates are so close on certain issues you can’t tell them or their plans apart? For that I propose the “Common Sense Calculator” (CCS) a third party organization that will examine every single claim made by a candidate and will report on the validity, overall effects and cost. For example, if Clinton says that Obama supported X & Y as a Senator and always voted no on A & B, the CCS will investigate and release a full report. If Clinton or Obama’s healthcare plans sound too similar, than the CCS will release a very easy to read and understand report highlighting the strengths and weaknesses of both without offering a verdict or an opinion of any kind. We are overwhelmed by pundits and talking heads during an election campaign, let’s have a no-nonsense approach to sorting these very important details out.

4. The Fat Tax

Take a look at these stats:

- Obesity costs the federal government $170 billion annually
-Workdays lost related to obesity: 39.3 million
-Physician office visits related to obesity: 62.7 million
-Restricted activity days related to obesity: 239.0 million
-Bed-days related to obesity: 89.5 million

Amazing, huh? So let’s do something about it. Starting in January of ’09, the government will create the Body Mass Index (BMI) Bureau (BMB), similar to the census bureau except the BMB will travel door to door and take every single Americans’ BMI, if the BMI is over a certain number than that person has to pay a Fat Tax. The government will issue you a BMI number and send you an official tax doc (like a W-2) that has to be filed along with your regular tax return. Your BMI will be taken once a year and whatever the number is at the time of your test, that’ll be your number for the rest of the year and you’ll have to pay the according tax (which will be prorated per income). Not only will the creation of the BMB create jobs, but the BMB will be entirely funded by the Fat Tax and whatever is left over can be used to build low-cost, government-funded and ran health clubs throughout the nation.

(P.S. I’m not a complete asshole, of course there will be exemptions if people have medical conditions or are genetically predisposed. But something has to be done here; obesity is an epidemic and not only costs our country billions, but greatly affects our standing in the world. While other nations starve, 57% of Americans are overweight, we have to fix this and I think the government has to get involved.)

5. No Weird Cloning Shit

At no time may a candidate create a female clone of himself, marry that clone and then storm around the country touting his family values and denouncing gay rights whenever he has the chance. This is unacceptable.

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but this one only needs four “don’t let it escape.”

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

5 Apples, 4 Moustaches


Brangelina. Bennifer. Even Billary Clinton. You know what? The Giants’ Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum need a nickname too. I’m thinking Lin-ce-cain. Or, Cain-ce-cum. On second thought maybe just Cain and Cum. Nope. That doesn’t work either. Back to the drawing board.



Here’s the deal. If you’re a bartender with great tits it doesn’t mean you can try to rip people off. Saturday night, I had a few drinks, I stumbled to the bar, ordered a drink and handed the bartender a 20. She giggled, took my 20 and put it in the cash register…then went to the next person. I waited for her to return. She finally came back, giggled and handed me 50 cents. Again, I waited. She came back for a third time and said (in a voice that sounded like a chipmunk) ‘whoops, you gave me a 20, not a 5, right?’ Bitch. Good luck with those tits. It’s all you’ve got.



I love the new strategy for the Britney campaign. Make her the victim! Blame it all on Sam Lufti. Make it seem as though he’s been the culprit behind the months and months of her bat shit crazy rampage. The public loves a good victim story, right? I can see the outcome already…three months of psychiatric rehab. Then, she gets her kids back. Then, a heart-to-heart with Barbara Walters during May sweeps. Schedule the comeback tour. She becomes the new face of Maybeline (maybe she’s born with it?) and in 30 years she’s headlining at Cesar’s Palace in a sing-along/poetry reading event titled ‘An evening with Britney.’ I can’t wait.



We posted a few rules, guidelines, and friendly get-to-know-yas on the right. It’s under a header titled ‘We are Apples and Moustaches.’ When you read the title, please read it like you’re Matthew McConaughey in ‘We are Marshall.’ Thank you.



I’ve been working out to Kanye West’s album Graduation for far too long now and I have a problem with it. There are directly contradicting statements from Kanye that throw me off every time I hear them. On the song ‘Stronger’, Kanye says ‘Now that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger.’ Fantastic motivation right? Perfect for working out. Then, three songs later on ‘Can’t tell me nothing’ Kanye directly contradicts himself by saying he takes it easy…‘Cause when you try hard that’s when you die hard.’ Now how the fuck am I supposed to get ‘stronger’ but not ‘try hard’. What the fuck Kanye? Explain yourself.



I’m not a big Peyton Manning fan, never have been. But on Sunday I was so impressed with him and frankly I liked him more than I ever have before. When TV cameras kept switching to his booth and showed how into the game he was, it was really cool. He was supporting his little brother, wanting him to succeed. And he let Eli have his moment. He didn’t come down onto the field to congratulate him and you’ll be hard pressed to find a quote from him about the game. Sure, Peyton is a gigantic scrotum but for the first time in a long time, I didn’t hate him.



Crank up the rumor mill. How nice would Roy Williams or Chad Johnson look in a Niners jersey next season? Not sure who’d be throwing him the ball but one of those guys could really jump start our offense. At most they would cost us a 2nd round pick. My two cents? Draft a defensive lineman then trade the 2nd round pick for one of these dudes.



A general rule of thumb is we never post pictures of dudes with their shirts off. Especially d-bags like Leonardo DiCaprio. But needless to say, this one had to be posted. Ladies and gentlemen, Bar Refaeli.


Lastly, today is national signing day for preps to college. Fingers crossed Washington can find some stud receivers to compliment Jake Locker next season. Locker for Heisman in 2008.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Jericho’s Application to be an NFL Writer

After spending the last few years reading everything there is to be read about the NFL on the Internet, Jericho has a pretty good grasp of how these writers write and what their editors think that readers want. To that end, he wrote the following article to officially audition for an NFL writing job. Look out Len Pasquarelli, Peter King, Pete Prisco and all the weird looking fucks that write for, Jericho’s coming!

The Coaching Carousel: A Plea for Continuity

Round and round it goes,
Where it stops
Nobody knows.

- Old English Nursery Rhyme

Call it shortsightedness, call it lack of foresight, call it an inability to look into the future, or, if you must and are so inclined, call it narrow-minded forward outlook. Whichever synonym you use, there is a plague plaguing the National Football League.

Continuity. Or rather, incontinuity.

Webster’s defines continuity as “the state or quality of being continuous,” from the latin, “continuitas” meaning “a progressive flow all emanating from the whole.” Although, you have to wonder if football owners are using the same dictionary.

In no place is this better epitomized than in Oakland. If San Francisco is “the city by the bay,” then Oakland is “the city of no way,” as in “there’s no way we’re keeping a coach longer than two years because our owner keeps firing everybody.”

In Al Davis’ dictionary, maybe continuity is defined as demanding the resignation of your “savior” one year into his tenure. Perhaps, after the word, the pronunciation and the word type, the definition of continuity reads: bring back a coach you mistakenly fired and his motel-running offensive coordinator and give them just enough rope to hang themselves. And, I would wager to guess, when flipping through the “C”s in his dictionary, wandering past the “Ci”s and the “Cl”s, eventually and haphazardly finding himself in the “Cont”s he stumbles across a word defined as thus: fire a coach a year removed from the Super Bowl.

Now, I should note, that this is in no way a knock on Al Davis the man, this is a knock on Al Davis the decision maker. For we can be sure, there isn’t a person alive who loves football more than Al Davis. If football were a baby, Al Davis would lactate and feed that baby. If football were a homeless man on the street carrying multiple shopping bags and screaming incoherently about socialism, Al Davis would buy that man a soup. If football were an old, senile owner who keeps messing up the chemistry of his team by demanding to stay in charge of all operations and personnel decisions, than Al Davis would be that man. Because football is Al Davis. And Al Davis is football.

What a gift it is to be in his presence. To be in the box with him. To see his drool, so dedicated and passionate, slither down his chin onto his windbreaker. To see his teeth, yellowed and broken by years of bad cigarettes and worse offenses, open for a bite of pudding as his trembling hand, elegant and grand like a wide receiver running a deep post, misses his mouth completely, slamming the spoon into the side of his benevolent face. We are all enriched by Al Davis’ passion and purpose. We are all students of the game. His game.

However, all reverence aside, the proud old ship that was the Raiders has taken on more water than an upturned cup in a mid-December drizzle. But be sure, this rain is not made of water this rain is raining incompetence. And the incompetence starts with the revolving door, the ejector seat, the darned if you do, but pretty much darned anyway situation that is the Raider’s head coaching job.

At first, the hiring of Lane Kiffin seemed inspired. A masterstroke. The young, intrepid genius united with the wise sage of the hash marks. However, as the two egos started to clash, the decision started to be questioned. Suddenly, the brilliant move seemed forced, awkward, unnatural, like a black guy wearing Birkenstocks. The young upstart looks like he’s on his way out after one year.

Art Shell was supposed to be a return to Raider greatness. A reminder of a bygone era of Super Bowls, Pro Bowls, and stained glass bowls filled with victory. It was not the case. Art Shell’s offense proved to be as listless and as unmovable as Art Shell’s face. A rumor started steaming through Raider Nation that Al Davis was so upset at the performance of his team that he crapped himself and forgot who he was for over an hour. A symptom of age? Maybe. A symptom of incontinuity? Probably. Art was shown the door after one year.

Bill Callahan and Norv Turner did not fare better. Callahan was the heir apparent to a great team, a veteran team, a tenacious team, an Al Davis team. But his awkward demeanor, and “the bullies took my lunch money and now I have no lunch money!” style of coaching did not bode well with Raider faithful. Norv Turner was the wrong man at the wrong time for the wrong team, known as an offensive genius, Norv quickly turned a proud, talented team to the kind of gooey mush that Al Davis is spoon-fed approximately 90 minutes before bed time.

How to fix the Raiders? If anyone had that answer, there’s a good chance that Al Davis would ask them to repeat it several times with his hand cupped over his ear before screaming, “Starbucks! Photograph! Indiana Jones stole my dishwasher! Indiana Jones stole my washdisher!” There is a proud tradition in Oakland and a proud man who is proud of that tradition. Maybe coaching continuity isn’t the end all be all, and it might not be a step in the right direction, but at least it’s a step, something that Al Davis hasn’t taken unassisted for years.

Something needs to be done. And quickly.

Round and round it goes,
Where it stops
Nobody knows.

This is one ride, I, for one, can’t wait to get off.

And soon.

Because after soon comes later, and later may be too late.

Monday, February 4, 2008


First off, and to state the obvious, what a great Super Bowl, from start to finish a well-played, well-coached game. The kind of game that you completely forget about the pre-game hype, the individual stories, the cities, the money you bet on the Pats and the over (fuck!), and just watch and enjoy.

A few observations / questions about the big game:

1) Tom Brady is a lot more hurt than anyone let on.

He couldn’t throw the ball more than 15 yards, his 5 and 7 step drops looked clumsy, awkward and slow, and he overthrew an open receiver 4-5 times, a sign that his arm was trying to overcompensate for his legs.

2) In the third quarter, Belichick decided to go for it on 4th and 13 rather than attempt a 50 yard field goal. The Pats didn’t get the first down and ended up losing by three.

I was stunned by this decision, it wasn’t wet or windy, the kicker isn’t hurt, points are a premium, why wouldn’t you try and kick the FG? If he misses the Giants get the ball on the 39, if you don’t get the first down they get the ball on the 32 – what’s the difference? 7 yards? Their offense hadn’t done anything, why worry about 7 yards? I did some research this morning and discovered that kickers make 50 yard field goals 36% of the time. Offenses convert 4th and over ten yards 14% of the time. How does Belichick, a guy who knows everything and anything about the game not kick that field goal?

(P.S. I made those stats up)

3) Who is more embarrassed by the Giants’ win this morning, Tiki Barber or Jeremy Shockey?

Tiki was the face of franchise for years, he retires, calls out Eli in the press and then the team wins the Super Bowl. Shockey has been Eli’s favorite target for years, so much so in fact, that Eli has admitted that he often makes mistakes trying to force the ball into Shockey’s hands. Shockey breaks his leg and the Giants get hot, really hot. Eli plays the best football of his life and the Giants win the Super Bowl. I think you have to vote Tiki here, especially because he called Eli out while making cookies shaped like Dr. Phil’s head on Good Morning America, but Shockey should sting a little this morning.

(Also, why was Shockey in a box boozing with his buddies rather than on the sidelines cheering on his teammates? Who made that decision? No matter what the answer is, how stupid does this make Shockey look? If he asked to be in the booth, he’s a prick. If the team asked him to be in the booth, so as not to be a distraction, he’s a prick. Have you ever seen this before? One of the team’s best players gets hurt and rather than stand on the sideline and chart plays, tell Eli what he sees, it’s better for the team for him to be in a booth with guys named Anchor and Steel Toe? How can the announcers not mention this?)

4) What exactly was Belichick’s defense scheme for this game?

They barely put pressure on Eli, they didn’t press the receivers at the line, they didn’t overload the run or cut off the underneath passing lanes, they didn’t take away Plax (the whole “take away the best player” thing); what was the plan? When you watch the Pats play you can almost always tell what their scheme is, I had no idea throughout this game, which surprised me a little. And that’s not to say that their D played poorly, they played well but they couldn’t come up with a stop in the final minute.

5) I’d give the commercials a B-

Overall, pretty disappointing this year, nothing really stood out, I think I laughed twice. Boooooring.

6) What’s more surprising that Tom Brady lost or that Eli Manning won?

Ultimately, you have to say Brady losing. Everything fell into place for Eli this year, the defense played out of their minds, Jacobs and Plax established themselves as top 10 players, Steve Spagnoulo earned himself a head coaching job. Brady’s hurt but I think this team peaked too early, all of the “one game at a time” rah rah shit, fell short in the playoffs and Eli was the beneficiary.

(Also, isn’t the entire Brady v. Manning distinction summed up by the fact that Eli still had his pads on when he received the MVP? What a dildo. Super Bowl champ, Super Bowl MVP, hero of a city, all those are true, but he’s still a fucking dildo.)

7) How obnoxious will the Sport Guy’s column be?

On a scale of 1 to 10, I’ll go ahead and give this a 12. Here’s a preview:

After the game, I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to talk to my friends or even my Dad, I didn’t want to see the press conferences or Belichick grumble through his first “I just lost a Super Bowl and I can’t f*cking believe it” interview. And that was the most difficult thing to deal with. This season had been about togetherness. That was the greatest part about this team, they brought people together, old friends, new friends, friends of friends, they were like a real world MySpace page. You called people, you emailed people, you ran into people and just nodded at each other because everyone knew that something was happening. When Brady’s last pass fell dead to the ground, kind of like Tony Montana falling into the fountain at the end of Scarface, it wasn’t just the end of the game, it was the end of a family.

And that’s why I wanted to be alone with this one. I took my dog for a walk around the block and before I knew it I was downtown, wandering through a busy street, lights and sounds, but everything seemed oddly quiet, as if the city itself could feel it. I bumped into a homeless man, a guy my wife and I refer to as “Salty Charlie,” because he looks like a Charles in Charge era Scott Baio and always screams racial slurs at people that don’t match their race. I love Salty Charlie. Anyway, I bump into him and after we got through the yelling part, he put his arm around me and said, “son, you’ve got to kill it if you ever want to dream again.” And he was right.

And I slept a dreamless night.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Fuck 'em both

Hey. Guess what? The Super Bowl is Sunday. No, really. Enough of the bullshit hype and the “other Manning’ articles. Let’s settle this shit on the field. Truth be told, we could give a shit who wins. Those coastist fucks back East never care when we’re in a major event so why should we when it’s them. (that sentence made sense in my head.) In a perfect world, both teams would lose. In a perfect world, cameras would catch Giselle giving a squeezer to Gene Upshaw during the 3rd quarter. In a perfect world I’m sitting on a tropical island right now being served drinks by a baboon wearing a toga and laughing about how my millions of Google shares just split again. But it’s not a perfect world. Which means one of those teams is going to win. Shit.

Top 5 reasons why we hope the Patriots lose:

1. Because we won’t have to see Bill Belichick smile. Which is both creepy and awkward.

2. Because it means Mike Vrabel probably didn’t score a touchdown, Tedy Bruschi won’t be joined on the field by his bimbo wife and Randy Moss won’t get a Super Bowl ring.

3. Because as handsome as he is, we just can’t take anymore Tom Brady. It’s true. You’ve had your moment Tom it’s time to ride off into the sunset. We want Montana’s 4 Super Bowl rings to stay alone at the top. (we don’t count Terry Bradshaw after his partial nudity in the movie ‘Failure to Launch.)

4. Because Matt Cassel has thrown only 38 passes in college and the NFL…COMBINED! He hasn’t earned a ring.

5. Because they let go of Bethel Johnson last season. And I always thought the announcers were saying Beppo Johnson instead of Bethel Johnson. How much cooler is the name Beppo Johnson?

Top 5 reasons we hope the Giants lose:

1. Because it means the gap in Michael Strahan’s teeth won't be all over TV, magazines and radio. Yeah, radio too.

2. Because it means we won't have to hear Chris Berman say ‘The New York Football Giants’ over and over and over again.

3. Because Plaxico’s a whiner, Eli has a labia minora and the no-talent Jason Seahorn is the luckiest guy on the face of the earth. What’s that? Sehorn’s not on the team anymore. Ah, who cares? Fuck him anyways.

4. Because nobody remembers who lost the Super Bowl…think about it…who lost 3 years ago? Exactly. Fuck the Giants. I hope you forget them too.

5. Because it looks like this Johan Santana deal is going to go through. Isn’t that enough for New Yorkers to be excited about this weekend? Do they need much else?

Giants - 27
Patriots - 24

Go Niners!