Thursday, May 29, 2008

Box Office 5/30/08: Indy Jones and The Eternal Quest to Figure Out What These Bitches Are So Upset About

Box Office Prediction:

Indy 4
Estimate: $58 million

Sex and The City
Estimate: $55 million

The big question this week is whether or not Indy’s second week (which I’m guessing will ease about 40% from last week – most blockbusters ease about 50-55% during their 2nd week, but I think Indy will be the exception to this rule) can top SATC’s debut. SATC is a tough one to predict, there really is no precedent, it’s not really a romantic comedy, not really a drama, not really anything someone with testicles should see on the opening weekend (look, I’m fine if dudes want to see this, I’ve watched the show and have professed my admiration for it, but guys can’t see this movie on opening weekend, they should be required to put that on the bottom of the poster like a surgeon’s general’s warning on cigarettes.)

Anyway, there really is no way to research this so I’m going on gut instinct. I think it’ll open big, but not as big as everyone thinks (have heard some people predicting a 9 figure opening which is crazy to me). Honestly, 55 is my best guess, I can see this movie going anywhere between 40-80. Here’s an interesting wrinkle, do gals want to see SATC during the day? Doesn’t it seem like an event movie? Get dressed up, go out to drinks, talk through your vaginas for 2 hours about whatever the fuck vaginas talk about and then head to the movie? Is this something girls will see at 2pm on a Sunday? I don’t know, it doesn’t feel that way, which would massively dent the box office for this.

So I think Indy whips those hookers. Not badly, but I think when everything’s added up we’re going to see Indy win by a nose.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Bitch please

I missed my flight Friday night to kick off my Memorial Day weekend. Three hours and about six pints later I didn’t really care. But did you know the airport charges $10.99 for a cocktail with two shots? It’s one thing to be at the Cliff Hotel surrounded by Russian mail order brides and well-dressed Indian men but at the airport? Surrounded by nacho cheese dispensers and fat guys with commemorative pins in their hats? Bitch please. (By they way, let’s bring back the term “bitch please.” Was there ever a better way to punctuate a sentence? I don’t think so.)

There is zero chance Pacman doesn’t play this NFL season. Dipping beef jerky into cottage cheese is so much better than it sounds. Matt Ryan is getting paid more than Tom Brady. Thomas Jones will once again be drafted way to early in fantasy drafts. If I could punch one person in the face it would be Shia LeDoosh, that smug little shit needs a good ass kicking. What’s gayer than the premiere of Sex in the City is the girls who try and dress up like Sarah Jessica Parker when they arrive at the theatre. Bitch please!

Summer is almost back which means one thing…BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS!!! If you’ve been with us for the whole ride then you know what to expect. It’s pretty amazing. Jericho has the incredibly dorky ability to correctly predict what movies will pull in at the box office. Sounds nerdy? It is. But pay attention. Jericho knows more about movies than pretty much anybody in the whole wide world.

The secret is almost out. The Giant’s Alex Hinshaw is ridiculous. If you haven’t heard of him yet then you’re welcome for the tip. Hinshaw got called up from the minors a couple weeks ago and he is devastatingly devastating. Yeah, I said it. Here are his career big league stats: 4 IP, 10 Ks, 1H, 0BB, 0ER. The future is here. The future is now. And the future is wearing a cockeyed Giants ballcap.

Is it me or do the Celtics blow? I mean seriously. Who is their go-to-guy? I’m still trying to figure this out. The Lakers have Kobe. The Spurs have Tony Parker. The Pistons have Chauncey Billups (I guess). And the Celtics? Who? Garnett? No. Ray Allen? Please. Osama Rondo? Good luck with that. The Lakers will win this championship easily. It will be about as exciting as last year’s Boston vs. Colorado World Series.

By the way, my friend Andy is a Detroit fan. A fan of all Detroit sports actually. As his hockey team (insert jerk off motion here) is on the cusp of a championship, his basketball team is 1 loss away from being exposed as old, slow and not as tough as they want you to believe. My question is…what does that feel like? To have your teams moving in opposite directions on the biggest stage possible. The highs are monumentally high and the lows are catastrophically low. Maybe this is why he isn’t answering his phone.

This just in…Eddie Murray is in talks to remake Beverly Hills 4. Don’t let Brett Favre catch wind of this.

The Cowboys will once again be featured on HBO’s Hard Knocks. This is too good to be true. Pacman? T.O.? Romo and Jessica Simpson? Pardon me for the semi I’m currently sporting and will maintain until early August.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Quest to Make an Assload of Money

Harrison Ford, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg signed an unprecedented deal with Paramount to make Indy 4. According to this article, the trio agreed to wave all upfront fees for a massive chunk of the profits. Now, that isn’t rare, the big guns like Will Smith, Tom Hanks and Johnny Deep do this all the time – here’s what’s groundbreaking about this deal: Paramount gets to keep the first $400 million – once that threshold is crossed Lucas and the gang will take 87.5 cents of every dollar thereafter. Think about for a second. Indy 4 is poised to be one of the biggest movies of all time – top 25 worldwide is almost definite – meaning that the golden trio have the potential to earn as much as $200 million each.

At first glance, you have to think that the filmmakers are fleecing the studio on this one, but are they? The production budget for Indy 4 was $185 million; let’s tack on another $115 for marketing and distribution, putting Paramount’s total investment at $300 million. That essentially means that Paramount is guaranteed a minimum of $100 million – a pretty nice chunk of change. If the film absolutely flops and maxes out at $500 million worldwide (which is still massive, but would go down as a major bomb given expectations) – the studio would still walk away with $112 million and the three stars with close to $30 each. Everybody wins in this scenario.

What I’m really fascinated to see is whether or not George, Steven and Harrison can all individually make more than the studio (I don’t know how DVDs are split – which will most likely swing things back to Paramount’s favor, but we’ll save that for another time). It isn’t rare for one star to make more than the studio – Tom Cruise used to pull this all the time back in the day – but 3? Now, that’d really be something. A&M will be tracking the numbers for the next few weeks and see how this all plays out. Here’s where we’re out so far:

Indy 4
Production: $185
Marketing / distribution: $115
Total Budget: $300
Worldwide Gross to Date: $297
Gross Profit: -$3

The Players:
Paramount: -$3
Ford: 0
Spielberg: 0
Lucas: 0

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Jericho Says Stuff

Apples are like fake tits; they need to be firm, but not too firm.

Two football phrases that are really stupid when you think about them:

- “Draft X and they’ll be set at X for the next 12 years” – how the fuck do you know that? Injuries, busts, trades, Pacman, way too many variables to tell.
- “X showed up at camp in mid-season form” – by mid-season everyone is beat up, playing hurt and tired as hell – obviously everyone looks their best in pre-season.

Bruce Bowen is such a detestable son of a bitch that I can hardly watch the Spurs play. What a cheap shot fuck that guy is.

Of all my many talents, immediately recognizing celebrity narrators when a commercial starts is by far the most impressive. Literally, I need about ten words and I can nail it. To this day, I’m still the only one on earth who knows that Billy Crudup is the voice on the MasterCard “priceless” commercials.

Quick look at the NFL:

- Team that everyone is talking about a little too much: Vikings
- Team that no one is talking about that made some great moves in the offseason: Pittsburgh-
- Team(s) that made a bunch of moves that will still blow: Jets, Panthers
- Team that is poised to make a major step forward: Saints
- Team that is poised to make a major step back: Cleveland
- Team(s) I have no idea about: Baltimore, Buffalo, Tennessee, St, Louis, Green Bay (tie)

Why is Parcells picking on Jason Taylor? His job is to clean up the team, install a winning attitude and build a solid foundation; don’t you want your best player to be part of that? Who cares if he’s on that stupid show, goes on SportsCenter and talks about his acting career or whatever, he’s still the best player on your team, a guy who always plays hard is always in top shape – I don’t get this at all. Personally, I think the Tuna has jumped the shark here. He’s knocking on the door of Al Davis territory and that is not a good thing.

Incredible stat that was so incredible that when I read it I had to do some background research to make sure it wasn’t a typo: when Phil Jackson wins game 1 of a series he is 40-0. Are you kidding me?

Quick thoughts on upcoming movies:

- Indy will be a massive hit, put me down for at least $850 million worldwide
- I don’t know why, but I think the Sex and the City movie will be a colossal failure, it will have a big opening weekend, $50-60 million, but I just feel like it’s going to be absolutely terrible, will completely taint the series and not be anywhere near the hit people are expecting
- Hulk 2: Really? I wonder if they considered the title, “Hulk 2: maybe if we hire a great actor you’ll forget that this movie blows”
- Kung Fu Panda: Fuck you panda. Remember when Jack Black was funny? Pretty short lived, huh? It would be perfect irony if Jack Black played Penny Hardaway in the straight to DVD classic: Remember When I Was Good?
- The Happening: I’m so excited to never see this movie. In fact, I can hardly sit still I’m so excited to completely ignore it
- The Love Guru: You know how actors will give an interview about a really bad movie a few years later and say something to the effect of, “I just really needed to make X at that point in my life. It’s really one of my favorite films.” Well, in other news, Mike Myers just booked an appearance on Conan for March 10, 2010 to talk about the Love Guru

My new favorite thing to do in a crowded bathroom is to fart and then use golf talk. There’s something really funny about standing in the urinal with a few other guys, farting loudly and then saying, “hit a house!”

What’s weirder, the 27-minute long R. Kelly sex tape where a young girl calls him Daddy, pees on the floor, has sex with him and then gets peed on? Or, the fact that prosecutors dimmed the lights and played the entire tape at his trail? It’s 27 minutes long! Dimming the lights? How uncomfortable was that room? Imagine the jurors, you’re squeezed into a tiny box with a bunch of strangers watching a video of a really famous person having sex and pissing on a chick, while that same famous person sits 25 feet away. Fuck. I’d be tempted to vote not guilty just to protest the prosecutor for putting me through that.

Isn’t the word “search” in “Obama begins search for VP” a little terrifying? Canseco should be forced to fight an enormous bodybuilder who’s been on roids hard for two years straight – you want to fight roids, huh? Well, here’s your chance. American Airlines is charging $15 to check bags now. $15?! Wait, aren’t they struggling b/c less people are flying? How does this help? Isn’t this like a struggling baseball team charging attending fans $15 every time the team loses? Does anyone here Twitter? I don’t get that shit at all. I’ve basically given up on oranges at this point in my life, who has the time? Why doesn’t baseball have replay? Who was Tom Brady sitting with during game 7 of the Cavs series? I guess this was to expected, CA approves gay marriages and there’s a huge rush for same-sex couples to get married: Ellen and Portia, the gay dude from Star Trek and the gay dude that he beams up, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Oh right...8am...

The dream has died. I’m back to work. And in all fairness…thank God. I was starting to go insane. A little structure in my life is a good thing. But let me tell you something…today was a SHOCK to my system. Imagine going more than a month without having to report to any one location, setting your own schedule, answering to no one. Kinda sounds like Ozzy Osbourne’s life doesn’t it?

Here are 9 mildly funny and entirely true observations after my first day of work...

1. This is a grown up job. There are thousands of employees working for this company. I went through hours of orientation which included a 30-minute video on sexual harassment. At my last job, if I went more than 30 minutes without hearing somebody say “horse cock” it was a rarity.

2. Big brother is watching. I got a call from a guy in Houston who wanted to install something on my computer. I said no problem. Within seconds he had taken over my computer remotely and started to move things around, close windows and go deep into my system. What does this mean for Apples & Moustaches? I’m not sure. My days of surfing the web for pics of scantily clad 18-year-old chicks (for your viewing pleasure, of course) may be over.

3. I still got it. Sure I took some time off and didn’t do much to stay in mental business shape…but I still got it. I’m like Michael Phelps. I might not have worn the most aerodynamic Speedo or shaved my legs the morning of…but I sure as shit blew away the competition.

4. There’s a benefit of working for a large company. Many benefits in fact. Free snacks. Free coffee. Discounts to local gyms. Outstanding benefits. And best of all, I’m not commuting. It’s important to note however, the coffee in the “break room” is absolute shit. It tastes like a combination of soil and Kung Pao Chicken. But it got the job done. So I’m not complaining.

5. Taking the bus to work sucks. It’s crowded. It’s hot. It smells bad. And you have to hold on to a railing or a bar, which most likely is covered in various human excrements. Yuck. Plus I could hear some guy on his cell phone going on and on wishing his father a happy birthday. When I finally turned to look at him he was actually speaking into what appeared to be a ham sandwich.

6. It was quiet at work. Eerily quiet. I know I had a good thing going and I know the grass is always greener on the other side…but shit. At my last job there was music blasting non-stop. Today, I found myself transfixed by the sound from the air conditioning.

7. There were moments when I felt like I had my own Miss Patterson from the movie Big. Like I said, this is a grown up job, and I had people helping and doing things for me today. It was kinda surreal.

8. Patch has an outstanding little bladder. I left him at home today. All day long. First time we’ve done that. I got home at 6:30 and as far as I can tell there weren’t any accidents. If it was me I would have peed on the floor at least 3 times. I have the bladder of a 12 year old Vietnamese girl.

9. I was surrounded by some truly unattractive people. Let me be honest. I am a damn handsome man. And this company, as far as I can tell, is a breeding ground for ugliness. I hope it’s not something in the water.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Hot Hot City

Quick post today. I'm going to the Giants game. It's a 12:45pm start. Tim Lincecum is on the mound and it's supposed to be around 95 degrees. Stupidly hot for the city. The only problem with being a Giants fan is that their colors are orange and black. So everything I own is black. Black shirt, black hat, black under eye paint. Usually it works to my benefit, when it's 45 degrees and windy at the park, per usual. But not today. Sitting in that heat with a black hat on could be my demise. I may have to make a quick stop at the Giant's dugout store to see what's what. Wish me luck.

Things floating around in my head today:

1. Shouldn't we hold the sprinter Michael Johnson's feats up on an even higher pedestal? With all the talk of steriods in track and field, Johnson's name never comes up. Now that's a bad ass.

2. How stupid are the Gatorade G2 commercials? And why do I find myself increasingly liking Dwayne Wade less and less. "Over-rated!"

3. When it's revealed Todd Heap tested positive for steriods, nobody will be surprised. Have you seen his Jaw Line? He looks like robocop.

4. The song on the Nike commercial by Saul Williams is incredible. It makes me want to lift weights for 3 hours straight. Also, there are 2 Huskies in that commercial...can you name them?

On a final note, my new job begins on Monday. I don't know about you but I can't wait. This 3 week break has been interesting, fun and painful. I guess in the end a little structure is good in my life.

Go Giants!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Guess whose back?

After days in hiding Jericho has resurfaced. Finally. I felt lonelier than Cuba Gooding Jr. after he cashes his check for those Hanes commercials. So what better way to welcome our dear friend Jericho back then with a rousing game of word association? As always, I threw a few thought starters over the table and he returned with what he does best. Enjoy.

CNN is doing a special celebrating the 60th anniversary of Israel...They keep talking about how non-violent Israel has been…Celebrating Israel for being pacifists, is sort of like celebrating Courtney Love for being off-crack. You should write everything in pencil.

Annika Sorensten is retiring…which means either one of three things 1) she's hurt and doesn't want to tell anyone, 2) she's on ‘roids and is about to get caught, so she's cutting and running before they can catch her or 3) she just realized that her and Roger Clemens got invited to the same dinner party and is terrified that someone will figure out they're the same person, which wouldn't be horrible, but she loves railing that 12 yr old country singer.

Iron Man’s success at the box office….I’m flabbergasted by how much money Iron Man has made in its first two weeks. Stunned, flummoxed, astounded, bowled over, bewildered. $175 million through its first ten days! Unreal. I guess we can chalk this up to two things: 1) there’s been absolutely nothing for kids to see in the last five months and they came out in droves, 2) people were just as impressed as I was by that story that Terrence Howard won’t have sex with a woman unless she’s used a baby wipe on her entire downtown, because wiping doesn’t come close to cleaning that area significantly. Are you listening, ladies? The man was nominated for an Oscar once, just ask him, he’ll remind you five times in one sentence. Obviously this is 10,000 12-year-old boys screaming in unison, “we agree with you, Oscar-nominated actor Terrence Howard, women need to clean their vaginas! By the way, what is a vagina anyway?”

Barry Zito celebrated his 30th birthday yesterday…Look, I don’t know anything about baseball and don’t care to. It’s a boring, ultimately meaningless sport that corrupted itself for a few million dollars and now is living in the aftermath, kind of like one of those chicks who tries to break the “fucking 400 guys in an hour” records and then three months later sits down to pee and accidentally engulfs the entire toilet like an enormous vagina sweater. Anyway, I’ve gotten a little interested in the Giants this year. They’re fun to watch, scrappy, almost like a real life Major League (see Magglio’s outstanding post for further details) – except with one major flaw: Barry Zito is such a fucking vagina that he sucks the life out of this team. Even on days when he’s not pitching, he is such a colossal failure that he disheartens everyone around him. He’s like the guy at a bachelor party who just got dumped by his chick, so even when everyone’s yelling and having fun he’s looking straight ahead with a blank expression on his face. To take this one step further, the Giants are Megan Fox and Zito is the Marilyn Monroe tattoo on her forearm. The Giants are young, feisty, feasting on their chance. Zito is a fucking cliché, the overpaid puss hole who sours everything up. Fuck you Zito. Oh, and happy 30th b-day!

Ray Lewis arrived at mini-camp in midseason form last weekend, weighing 255 pounds with 6 percent body fat and biceps large enough to make running backs cringe…This is known as "the annual article about Ray Ray that makes me totally overvalue the Ravens" - this happens to me every year around this time. Three years ago, ESPN ran that special on his off-season workout that included a segment where Ray just stared at the camera for 74 hours. Two years ago, we learned that Ray started swimming, last year he was sleeping 14 hours a night. I don't know what he's doing this year that’s any different than the last three, but there’s a great chance I pick them to go 12-4. Like I do every fucking year. I can't get away from Ray Lewis. At this point I need to grow a mustache get a jean jacket and invite Ray to butt camping in Montana, because I just can’t quit this fucking guy.

The Cavaliers are at Boston tonight with the series tied 2-2…I've watched every minute of this series and let me tell you one thing - other than LBJ's dunk over KG, which was so good I almost punched my girlfriend in the face - this series fucking blows. It's awful. Terrible basketball by both teams. With the Boston guys, yes they've had great careers, but aren't you starting to think there's a reason that neither has won anything before? They just don't make anyone better, they don't play well as a team and no one can really take over when it matters. I'm 100% convinced that even if Boston wins the series they'll lose to DET, a total team in every sense of the word. As for CLE, other than LBJ, if any of these guys got picked to be on my team for a game at the gym, I'd get in my car and go home. Talentless, heartless, fucking horrible. How fucking messy are the finals going to be? LA, Utah, NO or SA would fucking buttfuck anyone in the east coast.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Hot Studs with Moustaches

I usually am a pretty positive person. I enjoy cotton candy, fluffy puppies and handjobs. I try to surround myself with similar types of people. Not the “Debbie downer” types. Like my mom and sister who enjoy exchanging stories of poverty, broken homes and abuse they witness in their respective professions. I leave the room when they share stories. I want to live in my fairy tale world. But for some reason, I cannot get enough of the show Intervention on A&E.

If you’ve seen this show then you know what I’m talking about. It is, sorry the pun, addicting. If you haven’t set your DVR today, microwave a bowl of popcorn and sit back and witness humanity at its most bizarre. Now, I’m not going to write a depressing post, so I’ll spare you the heartbreaking back stories. What I will do is compile a quick list of what not to do when watching this show. I am your trusty guide here, having made all of the mistakes on this list, so please take my word for it.

1) Do Not smoke a bowl while watching an episode about crack smokers or meth heads. There is a surreal parallel you don’t want to get your mind fixated on while trying to enjoy a bong rip.

2) Do Not eat during any of the episodes about anorexia or bulimia. It’s the same reason Jericho and I wouldn’t sneak a pint into the theatre to watch “Into the Wild.” There’s just something twisted and wrong about enjoying food while other’s can’t.

3) Do Not call your significant other when they show the chick stripping in order to (get this) earn more money so she can buy more food so she can puke it up. Trust me. Chicks aren’t into this show.

I'm bored of this subject...let’s move on. Here is an update on actual search terms used for finding our amazing little blog:

  • If you Google the question ‘Are moustaches acceptable for work?’ then we are the number 1 result.

  • We are on the first page of results if you Google “Is Ralph Barbiera Gay?” and also if you search “John Clayton Nascar.”

  • We are the number one result if you Google “Arnold eating my birthday cake.” We have Jericho to thank for this result, because of this crazy post.

  • I made a mistake once when writing this post and misspelled Alex Rodriguez’s last name Rodriquez. So if you Google “Alex Rodriquez Loser” then we’re the first result. Pretty sweet huh?

  • And finally, here are actually search terms which have lead readers to find us. Somehow. Someway. I couldn’t make this stuff up.
    • Hot Studs
    • Badass Moustaches
    • DirtyPussy
    • Bardol Vagisil Crisco
    • Freedom of Laughter
    • And, last but not least….Phuck-O

Monday, May 12, 2008

Holla we want pre-nup!

Where to begin…I know one thing for sure. You should take a break. Take a vacation. Take some time off. You deserve it. I’ve been on a bender that redefines benders. What’s that you say? It’s Monday afternoon? Sweet. Cannonball coming….

Some Apples and Moustaches for your viewing pleasure….

Are you fucking kidding me with the tattoo that Nick Cannon got? Look, marrying that big bitch is one thing. Sure, we’d all like to play a little slap and tickle with Mariah’s ta-dang-a-dangs…but get a gigantic Tattoo across your back of her name? Are you kidding me? How long have they been dating? 1 month?! Can you imagine waking up next to Mariah Carey in 10 years from now? She’d look like a cross between John Madden and Angela Lansbury.

Jericho chimed in: "What will he do during thier first fight? Get cosmetic surgery so his face looks like hers? "I love you baby, look, we both white bitches now"

Pop Quiz (answers below)

Q1) What do you, me, Shaun Alexander and Koren Robinson all have in common?
Q2) What do Roger Clemens, Hillary Clinton and the Patriots starting LBs have in common?
Q3) How many fingers am I holding up?

The finale for the Bachelor is tonight. I’ve made it this far so I have to watch the final episode. With any luck he’ll pick both of them and swing a threesome. Five bucks says he uses the term ‘bangers and mash’ to seal the deal. You get it? He’s British. No? Look, I’m the only straight male watching this God damned show? Let me have my moment.

I refuse to input any personal information into my Facebook profile besides my music interests. That is how I would like people to judge me. Here is what I’ve listed so far…(a never ending work in progress to say the least.)

*The White Stripes, TV on the Radio, The Beatles, Radiohead, The Raconteurs, Dave Matthews, Elliot Smith, Red Square, Cold War Kids, Bright Eyes, Nirvana, Stevie Wonder, Jay-Z, Sunset Rubdown, Bob Dylan, Eminem*

Now judge me bitches.

Quiz answers:
A1) We currently get paid the same amount of money for our football “talents”.
A2) They’re all old, losing a step and finding out what it’s like when people don’t give a shit about you anymore.
A3) Two. And bonus points if you said my index and ring finger.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

You are what you wear

In 6th grade the hat on your head told your whole story. If you wore an A’s hat then you had power and swagger like Canseco and McGuire. If you wore a Giant’s hat then you had style and skill like Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell. If you wore a 49ers hat then you knew what it was like to dominate and if you wore a Raiders hat then you knew what it was like to intimidate. Every 6th grader knew that the hat on your head said so much about who you were as a person. And it represented everything you stood for.

And then there was Kelly.

Yes, Kelly was a boy. A big, strong, mullet haired boy who transferred mid-school year. The girls immediately liked him and the guys immediately wanted to challenge his athleticism. He was fast and could shoot a basketball fairly well, so he gained the other guy’s respect. He came from Colorado so we were immediately curious as to his sports affiliation. He liked the Broncos he said. Elway was his favorite player.

And then one day it happened. Kelly showed up wearing a Chicago White Sox hat. It was black and white with the 'SOX' logo diagonal across the front. So I asked him about the hat. “You like the White Sox?”

“No”, the boy with a girl’s name said. “I just like the hat.”

My world went upside down. I didn’t get it. How could he make such a statement? Wear the hat just because?! I had never heard of such a thing. Little did I know that Kelly wasn’t really a Broncos fan. It was just the first team he could thing of. Kelly was a poser hat wearer. The worst kind of hat wearer. He acted like he cared and had allegiances but really he was just concerned with how he looked. It still irks me to this day.

In today’s world athletes, musicians, hipsters and tree-hugging activists will wear shirts and hats entirely based on looks. Look around. How many Giants hats do you see walking the streets? Now how many Red Sox hats do you see? It’s hard to believe isn’t it? It’s a world of Kelly’s out there.

In a world where ironic T-shirts and old frat sweatshirts still pass as acceptable work out clothes, I’ve come up with a system. A system of standards if you will. It’s a system that understands a guy may want to wear a shirt from a different NFL team or may have an old pair of shorts from a school he almost went to still lying around. But what it does is set a standard for guys everywhere. To avoid posers. To avoid more dudes like Kelly.

Here’s how it goes:

The untouchable. This is the only article of clothing that cannot under any circumstances be messed with. You can only wear hats that represent who you are or what team you support. If you’re wearing a Tennessee hat because you needed an orange hat to tie your get up together…fuck off. It’s not allowed. You’d better be a big time Volunteer fan if you’re bold enough to wear that shit on your head. And those stupid hats that say ‘Cocks’ or ‘Morehead’? Don’t get me started. If you can’t name the starting football and basketball coaches for the school’s hat you’re wearing then there’s a good chance you’re just being a dooshbag.

The next level down, the shirt should still closely mimic your passions and beliefs. I understand the irony factor here. Perhaps your girlfriend went to Oregon State and bought you a shirt. Maybe you went to visit a friend in Michigan and bought a Marquette shirt while you were there. Again, it’s understandable. But under no circumstances can you wear a shirt from a team you completely despise. It’s too much of a statement as a t-shirt. You wouldn’t catch me dead in a Washington State t-shirt. Fucking Cougars.

The most flexible of the items of clothing. Shorts, when worn in a workout environment, can generally be for any and all teams. At this point we’re looking for comfort and accessibility. We want to make sure the elastic waistband is easy to pull down when pissing and the material is not too thin should a spontaneous gym boner occur. Who cares what team is on your shorts. If they fit right and feel right then feel free to rock them proudly.

So the next time you think to yourself “I would look pretty badass in a flat billed Yankees hat”, think again. You’d better want to give A-Rod and Jeter a slow handy if you’re bold enough to wear that kind of statement on your head. Know what I’m saying?

A few Apples & Moustaches

I saw Baby Mama last weekend. It was good not great. It was complete but not ridiculously funny. Tina Fey is a fantastic writer and Amy Poheler is really funny. But it never got to the level of ground breaking, or must-see funny. I thought the best parts were in the trailer which is always dissapointing. Plus, no Kristen Wiig. That blows.

I read the sports page every single morning. Without question. It started when I was probably about 6 years old. It’s the first thing I do when I wake up. Well, almost the first thing I do. Skipping the morning read disrupts my whole day and sends me in to a whirlwind of confusion, discomfort and disorientation. Like a chick on Rock of Love after being in a hot tub with Bret Micheals. There’s a certain satisfaction I get in having a grasp on yesterday’s news. Even in the age of the internet and ESPNews streaming content 24/7 my day is just not right until I’ve read the sports page.

Here’s a story about what a dickhead Karl Malone is. This is fantastic. Not the story, but the fact that someone is finally pointing a finger at Karl Malone calling him a shit bag. I’ve never liked Karl Malone and I’ve never trusted him either. I always knew he was a scumbag.

If you’ve seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall then there are generally two observations you walk away with. First, there are entirely too many frontal male nudity shots. I get it. It’s shock value. It pushes the envelope. It’s memorable (I guess.) But one would have been enough. The rest were just gratuitious. Second, how fucking hot is Mila Kunis? I’m serious. We always knew she was pretty on That 70’s Show. But holy shit. She looks incredible in this movie. Maybe it’s the orangish tan or her laid back character but she makes Kristen Bell look like Jessica to her Ashlee Simpson.

Wait. What the fuck? I know I’m way behind. But I’ve been out of the loop the past week or so. Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon? Are you serious? That’s one way to advance your career. But for which one I’m not sure?

Rick Ankiel is a badass. Micah Owings is a badass. Chien Ming Wang is a badass. Chipper Jones is a badass. Chase Utley is a badass. And of course, Tim Lincecum is a badass. Today we officially start our campaign for Lincecum to start the All-Star game for the NL. And of course, good luck tonight to Barry Zito. Starting again after his stint/non-sting in the bullpen for a few days. I guess I can’t even figure out what would happen if he blew up again tonight. It’s not even possible. So my fingers are crossed for 6IP, 5h, 3er, 5so. Stay tuned, 4:05pm first pitch.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Do you have that in an XXL?

I got dragged to some clothing stores recently. Not just any clothing stores. Girls clothing stores. It was pretty painful. All that lilthe fair music and boxes of 'hanky pankys'. But I kept my eyes and ears open, just for you. Luckily I survived. Here is what I came out with:

Five observations from shopping at girly clothing boutiques.

1. The chicks who work at these places are usually hot. There, I said it. Gentlemen, it’s worth going into these stores if nothing more than to stare at hot chicks. I’m telling ya, if you’re single, wander into a clothing boutique and pretend that you’re looking for something for your sister. They’re helpful and they appreciate your interest in their girl type things. Not that I go to these stores trying this. Cause I don’t. I swear. But I’m assuming this could work.

2. No matter what you buy, they will wrap it up in little tissue paper with ribbons and stuff it in a girly little bag. There’s absolutely nothing cool about this. It’s just an observation. Moving on.

3. Hands down girls have better clothes and shoes than we do. I wonder if that explains transvestites. Guys have pants and shirts and shoes. And a jacket perhaps. Chicks? Crazy straps on a dress that looks like a shirt but could be a dress but is actually a belt. I’m telling ya. You want to be creative with clothes? Your only option is in the woman’s department.

4. Girl’s stuff is EXPENSIVE. I looked at a shirt that had enough fabric to fit a 5 year old and the price tag was well over $300. Are you kidding me? This is where guys come out on top. We don’t have the creativity but we don’t get hosed on spending 3 bills on plain white t-shirts. Suckers.

5. Despite the overwhelming scent of blueberries and sparkles eminating from these stores…you can’t sniff any of the clothing. It’s not allowed. Take my word for it. You’ll be asked to leave the store immediately.

Apologies for the sporadic posting. I've ventured to my hometown tonight as part of my extended vacatation/magglio world tour. (Coming soon to a town near you.) I'm going back to my high school to watch an important varsity baseball game tomorrow. No seriously. High School baseball, can you feel the excitement? I'm planning on sneaking in some beers and see if the ol' "hey batta-batta" still rattles those pussies from the other team. Go Trojans!

Monday, May 5, 2008

Fuck Canada

I’ll watch any professional football, baseball or basketball game. At any time. This weekend I even found myself watching the Pepperdine vs. Penn St men’s volleyball championship. Super gay? Yes. But entertaining? Absolutely. As I write this I’m watching the NFL Network’s replay of Cincy vs. Pittsburgh from week 7 of last season. (Side note: if you don’t have the NFL Network you have NO idea what you’re missing. They shrink the games down to an hour and a half and have shows like ‘The 10 best comebacks in NFL history. Or, The 10 best NFL drafts. Did you know the Steelers drafted 4 hall-of-famers in 1973? Why do I get the feeling Kentwan Balmer and the gang aren’t Canton bound? Call Comcast, now. It’s only like $4 extra a month. Trust me.)

I like watching sports. Wait a minute, I love watching sports. I love the competition. I love the theatrics and I love the intensity. But I have standards mind you. I don’t watch women’s basketball. I just can’t do it. Nothing they do on the court is extraordinary. I don’t watch cricket either, mostly cause I don’t understand it. Cage fighting, Arena football, strongman competitions and cheerleading are not sports. So I pass on those. Hockey is no different. I have vehemently revolted against watching hockey. It’s lame. It’s weird. And it’s Canadian. I can’t tell you the last time I actually sat down to watch a hockey game.

But last night was different.

Let me set the scene. Let’s rewind to Friday night. The Sharks just beat Dallas in overtime to force a game 6. The series is now 3-2 in favor of Dallas. (For the chicks and non-hockey fans out there, it’s a 7 game series so first to win 4 advances.) This means a crucial game 6…another do or die game for San Jose. How do I know all this? Because I stay on top of sports in general. And Friday night I find myself enjoying a few cocktails with Kendall and Audra, who are surprisingly big time Sharks fans. I won’t hold it against them. They have their reasons. Kendall is family friends with the GM and Audra used to make out with one of the players. Regardless, they’re hyping up Sharks hockey. So I listen. I humor them for a bit. And then I turn the corner. Call it ‘too much whisky’ or call it ‘I’ve got nothing else to do Sunday night’ but I decided then and there I would watch game 6.

Riveting. Painful. Gritty. Intense. It was insane. It was the best (and only) hockey game I’ve ever seen in my life. The game went into 4 OTs. The Sharks ended up losing but it wasn’t for lack of effort. There were huge hits. There were remarkable displays of athleticism I’ve never seen before. And there was even a black guy on the ice. No, really. San Jose has a black guy on their team. How cool is that?

Six hours later the game had ended. My wife and dog were asleep. I was trading text messages with a few other hockey fans out there. Sure, they lost, but I was excited to witness such an epic event. Before I went to bed I got one last text. It was from my little brother. A non-hockey fan who I also duped into watching the game.

The text message read: “Good thing it’s not a real sport. Now we can go back to our 14-18 Giants.”

Well said kid, well said. Go Giants.


*Interested in hockey…read these guys. They’re awesome.

*Pacman Jones just put his house up for sale in Franklin, Tennessee. It’s described as a 30-acre spread with a 2-acre lake stocked with fish, two barns, two guest quarters with game rooms and a view of tree-covered hills and farmland. Wait what? Pacman fishes? Isn't that like finding out Peyton Manning has a stripper pole in his basement?

*It took me about 20 minutes to find a halfway decent pic of a hot hockey chick. Stupid sport.

*Oh, a final note. Rumor has it that Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are engaged. Discuss. (Thanks Sa)

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Freedom. Confusion. Laughter. Repeat.

I’ve fallen out of touch with my readers. This is the only conclusion I can make at this point. I am no longer chained to my computer all day long, thus, I can’t relate to your pain. Why is this? Because as I mentioned yesterday, I ain’t got shit to do. Well known A&M reader and frequent masturbator Uncle Icee once told us we did a great job speaking to the younger working male demographic. Well, guess what? I am no longer in that demographic.

My days are spent chilling, kicking it, attempting to be somewhat productive and then chilling again. The freedom is mind numbing at times. Sometimes I shower. Most times I don’t. Lots of times I just go for walks with Patch and try to figure out what other people are doing. You know those times when you duck out of work mid-day for one reason or another? Maybe to run an errand. Maybe to grab a coffee. And you see those people milling about with no real sense of urgency…well, I’m one of them now. I’ve joined that group of people. The waiters. The “sales” folks. The unemployed. The elderly. The children. The weirdos.

Hell, I just walked around for 30 minutes cause I wasn’t sure what I wanted to have for lunch. You probably packed a little sandwich, a bag of carrots and a YooHoo for your lunch. I just watched back-to-back episodes of Parental Control on MTV…both with lesbian couples! You probably just got out of back-to-back meetings where people used business jargon just to sound more official. “Yes, we’ll need you to spearhead the initiatives towards cleaning up the conference room table. It looks a bit dirty.” I’m not quite sure what day it is today. You could tell me the exact date of next Wednesday without even hesitating….cause you’ve got an important meeting that day I’m sure.

I spent 9 hours at the ballpark yesterday. I got a bizarre sun burn on one side of my knee. I spent 45 minutes after the game reviewing the telecast on DVR to see if I was on TV. (I was. Email me if you want to see the pics… How can I begin to relate to you, my faithful reader, when I am nothing like you? Drastic? Perhaps. Truthful? Absolutely. Maniacal? Wait, what does maniacal mean again?

(Part inner monologue, part plea to Jericho, part “conclusion” for this pointless, rambling post.) Look, be patient. My routine has changed. That’s all. I still eat, sleep, breath and find attraction to the slutty, likely disease riddled chick in the picture above, just like all of you. So hang in there. Two and a half weeks to go until I’m back to the grind. Enjoy the freedom for now. And if it means less posts, or less quality posts, so be it. Now back to my day. I’ve got a lot of things going on. Important things. Like bitching out Comcast. Calling into sports talk radio shows. Planning vacations etc. Oooh look there’s a Deadliest Catch marathon about to start. Gotta go.