Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Words “Sex Tape” Used to Mean Something In This Town

Why hasn’t someone shot a Michael Moore-style documentary about obesity in America by following Michael Moore around for a few months? Potential titles for this include: Pizza Hut 9/11, Fatso, Bowls of Mayonnaise and Chicken Wings: A Love Story.

First a marriage to Ryan Reynolds, now a duet album with Pete Yorn; Scarlett is just a museum show of water color paintings away from completing a perfect Hollywood douche bag trifecta.

Wait, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are suing someone for leaking that tape? Shouldn’t we be suing them? Look, Eric and Rebecca, we’re all busy, we have very limited time to search around for entertainment and / or porn, when we see “sex tape!” we want sex in the tape, not two drunk chicks talking about how tape is sticky or whatever the fuck you were babbling about. Goddamn it, the words “sex tape” used to mean something in this town. Too bad Pamela Anderson looks like Ray Liotta now, we need her more than ever.

Now, even with that gripe griped and registered, let me just say that the Rebecca Gayheart video was definitely my favorite non-sex tape featuring someone who once killed someone with their car.

Sorry to hear about Avril Lavigne’s recent marital troubles, the one piece of advice I’d offer is, “girl, you need say to L8r to that Sk8r.” Man, if Avril and the toilet brush can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have. Love sure is komplycated.

Here are a few things I wish I could bet on:
- Kanye will interrupt Swayze’s funeral to tell him that, no offense, but MJ’s was one of the best funerals of all time

- Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian will have a calendar marking the days and times they have sex.

- Ellen Pompeo’s daughter’s first full sentence will be: “I can’t believe this ugly bitch is famous.” Us neither, baby, us neither.

- Bill Belichick will trade Tom Brady’s future baby for Heidi Klum’s next two babies.

If I’ve learned anything from the Surrogates trailer, it’s this: in the future, scientists will create perfect human replicas but still won’t be able to make a wig that looks normal on Bruce Willis.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Just Perving

I saw something on Facebook today that made me do a double take. An old high school chick I just got reacquainted with is now married. That’s not the weird part. Stay with me here. She was always kinda cute, in that kinda cute Asian surfer chick kinda was. Like if Tila Tequilla and Mila Kunis from ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ had an ugly sister. Not like a hard-to-look-at sister. But a not-as-cute sister. So anyways, I’m doing what I do when I become your friend on Facebook. I go perving. Yes. I go perving for pictures of you in a bikini. And if you’re a dude I go perving for pictures of your girlfriend in a bikini. Don’t judge.

And this is where the weird part happens. Her husband is infinitely better looking than she is. He’s like slack-jawed Chace Crawford good looking. He’s good looking to the point where I stopped looking for bikini pictures and instead tried to find a good side by side shot of the two of them just to prove my point. It’s just so rare.

Think about it. How many couples do you know where the guy is better looking than the girl? It never happens. I can’t think of one. My wife is exponentially better looking than I am. Same with Jericho and his slam piece. And if for some reason it’s a good looking dude chances are his wife is over the top good looking.

I dare you to think of an example. Here, I'll start you out...Matt Damon and his buck-toothed wife.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

My team...

Last season I won my fantasy football championship.

During the championship game I had my laptop going and was glued to the TV. I had the sound turned off because I also had the radio on. You see I could only hear the Texans/Raiders game on the radio because of the damned blackout rule and of course nobody goes to Raiders games. I was drowning in statistics that “championship” Sunday.

As the day progressed, and it became more obvious I was going to pull out the victory, I had the opposite reaction to what you’d expect. I was relieved. Relieved it was finally over. Relieved there’d be no more wishing and praying and scouting and voodoo curses and superstitions and nail biting and profanity laced insults when a meaningless TD is thrown from the 1-yard line instead of handed off like it shoulda been. I mean in the end I wasn’t jumping up and down like you’d expect after winning a championship. I was just tired and happy I could finally relax. It meant fantasy football was finally over.

As a good friend told me, she doesn’t play fantasy football since her dad once told her not to waste karma points on meaningless things, and instead save them up for Steelers games. Perhaps that’s why the Steelers have more Super Bowl championships than any other team.

So as this new fantasy season is upon us I can’t help but be saddled with the same bullshit and meaningless paranoia that I always have. Who should I start? How injured is my player? Are they facing a good defense? Will Jessica Simpson be in the crowd? And on and on and on.

That’s why this Saturday felt so damn good. Football meant nothing but the final score. Watching the Huskies beat USC ranks up there with one of the coolest sports moments I’ve ever witnessed. I had nothing riding on it besides my school’s pride. And you know what? When Locker converted those key 3rd downs on the final drive and set up the winning field goal I was jumping up and down like a fucking lunatic, high-fiving my wife and scaring Patch half to death. It felt so good. I texted till my thumbs went blue. I called my brother and dad. I went to Facebook to see an incredible photo of Dawg fans storming the field. What a great day to be a Husky.

So today I went through my Sunday routine a bit differently. As I watched my fantasy team get decimated for a second straight week, I really could care less. I am still flying high from the Huskies huge upset. Sure, Greg Jennings didn’t catch a pass and it looks like Brandon Jacobs will never score a TD this season, but it didn’t matter.

My team won yesterday.


Friday, September 18, 2009

Caity on Football

By Caity, A&M's favorite sexy bible humper

I come from a long line of proud, obnoxious, Florida fans. I am the only one of my generation not to attend Florida for either undergrad or graduate school, and the only reason I was allowed to defect was because I went to an uppity northeastern private school and got that shit paid for. In my family, adolescent rebellion such as drinking and staying out past curfew was met with half-hearted admonishments and empty threats, but make a passing comment about attending UGA or FSU and they were taking your car keys, hiding sharp objects and talking to mental health professionals.

Side note: We all scored above 800 on our SATs and tie our own shoes, so clearly these were nothing more than cries for attention.

Recently, my little cousin turned 13 and my family thought a perfectly appropriate way to celebrate this relative milestone was to arrange a private VIP tour of the University of Florida campus. Admittedly, we are not normal. The point is: I come at college football season emotionally. I'm certain there are a million reasons why Florida represents all that is evil in college athletics, but I'm not interested in any of them. Tim Tebow is a Bible thumping do-gooder, and I have serious trouble taking seriously anyone who earnestly quotes scripture in face paint, but the little freak can play and he plays for Florida, so preach on, Brother Tebow!

You can imagine my reaction, then, when a rabid, drooling, panty dropping Georgia fan and good friend of mine (he's not well) suggested I shell out $60 dollars to go to the Arizona State/Georgia game next weekend. Do you know how much Kettle and tonic $60 will buy? At least an afternoon's worth. Thus, the only way I'm paying $60 to see Georgia is if I have a certified letter from Jesus Christ himself promising that ASU will do this () to that used tampon of a quarterback, Joe Cox.

That got me thinking that it may actually be worth it. I never get tired of watching Georgia lose. Some Saturdays I think I like it better than watching Florida win. If UGA were playing a team whose key players were Hitler, Satin, Spencer and Heidi Pratt, Ann Coulter, and the know it all daughter from the Gilmore Girls, I would draw a little moustache on my face, poke Georgia fans with my pitchfork, and drink a shot of Kentucky Gentleman and virgin's blood (Coulter's favorite) every time they scored. FUCK GEORGIA.

However, if I do end up going, I needed to mentally prepare starting about three weeks ago. The last time I was in Athens was for the Georgia/Georgia Tech game, and I had the esteemed privilege of watching Georgia lose at home to a school with whom they have a rivalry so deeply entrenched that the Wikipedia page dedicated to it is titled Clean, Old Fashioned Hate (,_Old-Fashioned_Hate#Football). All of this while Florida simultaneously delivered an unceremonious pumping to Florida State.

It was a beautiful day, made more beautiful by the fact that my friends and I started drinking sweet tea vodka and lemonade at 9 am. Now, this is all hearsay, but I was allegedly not my best self and decided to do the Gator chomp while calling the Georgia defensive line "a bunch of elephant walking pussies" (yeah, I don't know either) in the middle of a crowd of angry Georgia fans and, according to several people who would have been forced to finish the fight I was attempting to start, deserved to get punched. Hard. By a dude. But I didn't, and would like to take this opportunity to retract my previous statement. The defensive line aren't a bunch of elephant walking pussies; the entire team is. Quote me.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

4 People I'm Thinking About Today

Antonio Banderas
I recently saw “The Other Man” a little indie movie with Liam Neeson, Laura Linney and Antonio – while the movie was utterly terrible on every level, it did confirm two things about Senor Banderas: 1) Antonio will fuck anyone or anything. He’ll fuck your fish if you’re not looking. He’ll fuck everything in your fridge. He’d dispute this post by printing it out and fucking it. And, correspondingly, 2) he is without a doubt the worst possible person that your girl could have an affair with. You walk in on your girl and Antonio and you don’t bounce back. It’s not possible.

Tim Hasselbeck
Here’s one rule I have for NFL analysts on ESPN: you must be taller than Hannah Storm. I was watching SportsCenter this morning and lil’ Timmy was giving a report on the Bills new no-huddle offense, moving the little characters around on that stupid touch screen thing, which would have been interesting except for the fact that he was about 5 inches shorter than Hannah Storm. She swallowed him whole. How can ESPN let this happen? Wasn’t there a producer somewhere who said, “you know, come to think of it, Tim looks like a little pussy up there?”

(Side note on ESPN's move to the touch screen: why is this necessary? Why add an element of difficulty to a live broadcast? Isn’t it awkward enough? This is like filming two virgins fucking and having them both wear giant alligator masks)

Roger Federer

I loved, loved, loved Federer getting caught swearing on national TV. I’m a big Federer fan, but he’s more buttoned up than Joe Jonas’ chastity belt. Seeing him lose it in a big moment was totally refreshing and completely unnerving at the same time. This would be like watching an episode of Happy Days and seeing the Fonz flip out on Richie, “up your nose with a rubber house, you pale cocksucker.”

The little Asian line judge that called the foot fault against Serena Williams
a) No shit you were scared! We were scared for you. I honestly kept waiting for Serena to hold out her thumb like in Gladiator, letting the crowd decide your fate. b) For the record, she never said she was going to “kill you,” she said she was “going to jam this fucking ball down your fucking throat” that’s a subtle but important difference. c) Finally and most importantly, you can’t make that call in that situation, you just can’t. There’s a reason why Jordan didn’t get called for a push-off on that play against Russell in the Utah game: great players earn that leeway in big moments. So yes, we all would have cheered for the thumbs down and celebrated wildly as Serena shoved the aforementioned ball down your aforementioned throat until it came out of your we haven’t mentioned it yet tiny butt.


Friday, September 11, 2009

NFC Prediction

Three thoughts from last night’s NFL kickoff between Tennessee and Pittsburgh before I get into the NFC predictions:

1. First, we saw 2 of the best defenses in the NFL last night. Don’t mistake the “sluggishness” as rust. Those are solid defenses.

2. It’s funny that Big Ben gains weight in his face. Also a fat face? Carson Palmer.

3. First bet of the year. Took the over 37. I’m off to a predictable start I’d say.

NFC Predictions:

NFC East:
Philadelphia Eagles – 10-6
New York Giants – 9-7
Washington Redskins – 9-7
Dallas Cowboys – 5-11

NFC North:
Green Bay Packers – 11-5
Chicago Bears – 9-7
Minnesota Vikings – 8-8
Detroit Lions – 2-12

NFC South:
New Orleans Saints – 13-3
Carolina Panthers – 12-4
Atlanta Falcons 7-9
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 5-11

NFC West
San Francisco 49ers – 9-7
Arizona Cardinals – 9-7
St. Louis Rams - 5-11
Seattle Seahawks – 4-12

Playoff Seeds:
1. New Orleans
2. Green Bay
3. Carolina
4. Philadelphia
5. San Francisco
6. Washington Redskins

Wild Card:
Philly over Carolina
San Francisco over Washington

New Orleans over Philly
Green Bay over San Francisco

NFC Championship:
Green Bay over New Orleans

9 random NFC thoughts

1. I think this year will turn into the Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers show. If you don’t have one of these guys on your fantasy team then you’re fucked. They’re both going to put up gigantic numbers. Herculean numbers. Numbers the size of Orlando Pace’s shit pellets. That’s right, I think Orlando Pace shits pellets.

2. The over/under for the NFC Championship game of Green Bay vs. New Orleans is set at 96.

3. The Seahawks are going to crumble like nobody’s business. Matt Hasselbeck will be injured within 6 weeks and the only halfway decent player on the field will be Houshmanzadeh. But then we’ll realize that Seneca Wallace, all 5’4” of him, will be throwing the balls and all those donkey fuckers who picked the Hawks this year are going to look like fools. That is all on this subject.

4. The Brett Favre experiment will fail. Not miserably like the ‘let’s not draft Mark Sanchez’ experiment in Seattle will. But it will fail. Favre will do what he does best; make some crazy good throws, throw more interceptions than touchdowns, and make a great post game interview. We’ll be seeing him in the NBC pregame show when January rolls around. This I am very sure about.

5. The Falcons will be good, but not as good as everyone thinks. They’ll put up some decent numbers here and there but will fail to make the playoffs. I think their luck runs out this season. That’s not to say it won’t come back in a couple of years. I think Roddy White might be one of the most underrated wr’s in the game.

6. Michael Crabtree will sign a contract before week 6 and play in his first game in Week 11. He will catch a touchdown on his third play from scrimmage and dislocate his knee at the same time a la Jerry Rice circa my childhood. Niner fans, in their infinite stupidity, will forgive Crabtree and hope and pray he makes it back for the playoffs. Which the Niners will make by the way. Oh yeah, Niners win the NFC West. I said that at the very top of the post asshole. Pay attention.

7. Dre Bly is named Defensive Player of the Year.

8. After getting knocked out of the playoffs in the first round again this year, Carolina wide receiver Steve Smith will retire a la Floyd Mayweather. He’ll then take second place on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars after showing surprising dexterity in the Samba. He’ll report to July Mini Camps on time and in shape.

9. Beanie Wells will be a huge bust in Arizona. He’ll get injured far too often and hate the fact that he loses goal line reps to Tim Hightower. It won’t matter. Both Boldin and Fitzgerald will again have over 1200 yards each and will actually both get credited with half a touchdown when they both jump in the air and simultaneously rip the ball in half. Elias sports takes 6 weeks to officially award it a half touchdown each.


Cheer up Judy...

Judy had a death in the family. A&M’s thoughts go out to her. If you don’t remember, Judy is the other hardcore Giants fan in my office, discussed here. She’s been out this entire week. I got an email from her this morning. Here is what her email said:

Judy’s Email (please note the extraordinary punctuation):

“I need a distraction from all this ghoulish death stuff- what is happening with my orange and black pumpkins???? Is timmy really hurt? We just gotta win tonight!!!!!!”

Here was my response:

Judy -

I’m so sorry to hear about the death in your family. That sucks almost as much as the Rockies winning every single fucking day. Let me do my best to shine a little light on the state of Giants baseball for you.

• Being 4.5 games back, with the next 6 games at home vs. LA and COL, this is truly a do or die stretch. We need to take at least 5 of 6. 4 of 6 still keeps us in contention but with how hot the Rockies are I think we honestly have to take 5 of 6 to survive.

• We’ve said it all year. We have to get hot at the right time in order to make this thing work. Well, 11 days into September and it’s now or never. If, and that’s a big if, we can catch fire now we can do this thing. I’m confident of that. We truly have the best staff in baseball. A couple key hits here and there and we're right back in it. Secretly I think Freddy Sanchez is the key for us this weekend. We'll need his line drives at big moments in the game. And he'll deliver...

• There is absolutely no word out of the Giants on Timmy’s back. Seriously nothing. He was in the dugout for Bumgarner’s start and looked fine. So who knows what’s going on. Conspiracy theories are abound that we are saving him for LA or whatever, but I just don’t buy it. He must’ve been hung over again like the all-star game 2 years ago.

• The biggest shit show is what our team is doing with Buster Posey. He has sat on his ass for almost 2 weeks now with no action. Nothing. He has come out to catch the bullpen a couple times, but that’s it. Even in the game against the Padres, up 7 runs in the 8th inning, and Bengie dinged his hand…nope. We put Eli Whiteside in. I don’t get it Judy. I really don’t. John Bowker has already had 4 pinch hit at-bats since his call up. I’m not sure what we’re doing. The kid is getting stale. Send him down and let him swing that bat. It seems silly to use him purely to incentivize Bengie Molina (another popular conspiracy theory), I mean, this is the future we’re talking about. Unfortunately my frustrations have now turned to Kruk and Kuip because they don’t talk about it at all. Which makes me believe they’ve been told not to, which makes me believe that they are puppets in our system, which just pisses me off even more. Can you feel my frustration? Let the kid play. The problem is that we’ll need him at a critical point and his first at bat will be in the bottom of the 9th in a key situation. Is that how we want to break him in?

• Penny vs LA will be a great sub-plot on Sunday. He showed so much bad ass enthusiasm in his last start vs. the Padres. It’ll be great. I've got money on it that he plunks Casey Blake to get back at him for imitating Brian Wilson earlier in the season. Payback is a bitch. Especially when it comes from the arm of a 350lb truck/horse/donut hybrid throwing 95 mph.

• If we happen to make it to the playoffs another big topic is who to start. Obviously Timmy and Cain, but Zito has fallen off again over his past 2 starts. The thought is maybe Penny. But what would that do to Zito's head if we didn’t let him throw? Fuck Zito. You're right.

• My brother is flying down for the weekend. I’ll be wearing my ‘Sexy Nate’ jersey. Just kidding. I wish I had one though. It would totally say ‘sexy nate’ on the back. People would look at me weird but hey….it’s Giants baseball.

Enough about 5 of 6 and 23 games left, etc, etc.
Tonight is huge. Let’s just win tonight.

We’re in this!!!


Thursday, September 10, 2009

AFC Preview

Includes: AFC Breakdown and 10 random thoughts

AFC East
1. Patriots: 13-3
2. Dolphins: 7-9
3. Jets: 7-9
4. Bills: 6-10

AFC North
1. Steelers: 11-5
2. Ravens: 9-7
3. Bengals: 8-8
4. Browns: 4-12

AFC South
1. Colts: 10-6
2. Titans: 10-6
3. Texans: 9-7
4. Jags: 7-9

AFC West
1. Chargers: 11-5
2. Raiders: 6-10
3. Chiefs: 5-11
4. Broncos: 3-13

Playoff Seeds
1. Patriots
2. Chargers
3. Steelers
4. Colts
5. Titans
6. Ravens

Wild Card
Steelers over Ravens
Titans over Colts

Steelers over Patriots
Chargers over Titans

AFC Championship
Steelers over Chargers

10 random AFC thoughts

Fairly predictable picks for a year that I think will be fairly predictable. The Patriots are back to being the dominant team with Brady back; the Steelers didn’t lose anyone and will have the best defense in the league by far; the Chargers are still the most talented team from top to bottom and will underachieve like always; the Colts and Ravens will do what they always do: dominate on one side of the ball during the regular season and have their shortcomings on the other side be exposed in the playoffs; the surprise team from the year before – in this case the Dolphins – will whither under a harder schedule and drop back to mediocrity; and finally, the team that people are talking way too much about – in this case the Texans – will start strong, and then lose 4 in a row as they try and suck their own dicks. Any kind of major shakeup will happen in the NFC, I think the AFC is business as usual.

Over the last few days, we’ve been treated to two of the better football-related stories of all time: Seymour refusing to show up after being traded from NE to OAK and the whole Merriman / Tila Tequila situation, which has been utterly delightful on every level. After a summer of Favre, Vick, Ocho Cinco’s Twitter account, the question of whether or not Big Ben forced his coin into that hairy bitch’s slot machine, The Cowboy’s sketchy video board, Plax, McNair and a host of other unpleasant stories, it’s nice to have some inconsequential, entertaining drama back in our football lives.

Two teams that are better than you think: Cincy and Oakland.

Cincy: Carson is healthy; the defense is better (Rivers and Maualuga will be one of better inside/outside LB combos); Ocho and Henry seem rejuvenated; the schedule is easier; I don’t think they can hang with PIT or BAL, but I can see them winning 8 games.

Oakland: Hear me out on this one. JaMarcus Russell played well down the stretch last year and looked decent in the preseason, McFadden is healthy and has something to prove, Tom Cable punched one of his assistants, which on another team would be a harbinger of doom but in Oakland is overwhelmingly positive, and the defense is young and fiery. They’re not good, but they’re not terrible either, watch them finish second in the toilet bowl known as the AFC West and play a meaningful game in December.


Two teams that are worse than you think: Dolphins and Broncos.

Dolphins: Here’s a statistic that I love: on average, when a team goes from worst to first, their total wins decreases by 3 the following year. I don’t trust this team and I don’t like their schedule (they open @ ATL, home for INDY and then @ SD, followed by games against NO, PITT, TENN and 2 against NE) – I think they take a major step back.

Side note about the Dolphins: here’s a joke I was dying to make this spring and summer.

Random person X: Hey, Jericho, what did you think about the Dolphins taking Pat White in the 2nd round?

Jericho: I loved it. I hear he uses the same tampons as Ted Ginn, so that’s huge.

Broncos: I am biased here for two reasons: 1) The Hawks traded their 2nd rd pick this year for DEN’s 1 in 2010 and 2) I hate everything about the McDaniels era, was on Cutler’s side 100000% and want his tenure to be the worst in football history. He seems like such a fuck.

I think I speak for everyone when I say the Belichick Coaching Tree gets a fat F- so far. The problem with Crennel, Mangini and McDaniels (leaving that fat fuck piece of shit Charlie Weis out of this b/c he’s in college) is that they walk around with Belichick’s swagger but haven’t earned it yet. McDaniels’ approach to the Cutler situation was right out of the Belichick handbook, except it wasn’t being ran by a fucking mastermind with three rings (5 if you count the 2 as the Giants D Coordinator), it was being ran by a 32 piss face who thinks he can be the mayor because he always wins at Monopoly. The biggest problem? Belichick can do crazy shit like trade Seymour or go with an undrafted rookie as Brady’s backup and no one bats an eye in the locker room, everyone believes. McDaniels doesn’t get the same leeway. As soon as Denver gets to 1-5 or 2-6, the team will unequivocally quit on him.

The Wildcat is kind of like Tila Tequila, she occasionally looks so good in pictures that she tricks you into thinking she’s hotter than she really is but, ultimately, she can’t do shit with Merriman’s hands around her neck. In other words, I think defenses clamp down on the Wildcat this year and it’s gone by week 5.

I think all the talk about “what will the Ravens do without Rex Ryan?” is kind of like saying, “what will Velvet Revolver do without Scott Weiland?” Don’t the Ravens still have the best run stuffing tackle in Haloti Ngata? Don’t they still have the best free safety in the NFL and maybe ever in Ed Reed? Don’t they still have the best motivator and biggest badass in Ray Lewis? Don’t they still have one of the better rushing OLBs in Terrell Suggs? What am I missing here? If Flacco had anyone to throw to I think they’d win the division.

You heard it here first: Matt Cassel fucking sucks and will be a massive, massive disaster in KC. The good news, at least he’ll get off to a good start since the Chiefs get to host the Rex Ryan-less Ravens in week one. My prediction: Suggs will absolutely decimate Cassel on the first series for a 12-yard loss, which will lead to Ray Lewis celebrating by ripping off one of Cassel’s legs and then pretending that Suggs is an enormous cello, using the leg as the bow (or whatever the fuck you call it).

A few quick hits:
- I think we’re going to get a lot of Vince Young this year and I think we’re going to like it.
- Ocho Cinco is going to give one of his friends his Twitter log in and have them Tweet from his account immediately after every one of his touchdowns. He’ll then do something dumb like pretending to type on the ball which will lead to an uncomfortable press conference where Goodell confirms that NFL footballs do not have WiFi or a keypad.
- Kyle Orton will give a spirited “no one believes in us except us!” speech, complete with fist pumps and a flipped over bench. Which would work except he looks like a homeless guy and has the first name “Kyle” and the last name “Orton.” (Honestly, can we please stop talking about his 21-12 record as a starter? He sucks and if you don’t know it, you suck.)
- Coaches fired after the season: Dick Jauron, Jack Del Rio, McDaniels and Cable (unless he kills the quality control assistant then he stays for sure)

Coach of the Year: Marvin Lewis, Cincy
Best Offensive Player: Brady, NE
Best Defensive Player: Lawrence Timmons, PITT
Best Offensive Rookie: Knowshon Moreno, DEN
Best Defensive Rookie: Brian Cushing, HOU
Best Offseason Move: Jets trading for Lito Sheppard
Worst Offseason Move: Because you’re sick of hearing about the Broncos, how about the Chiefs trading Gonzalez (why trade for a new QB and then trade your best offensive player? Isn’t that like getting your chick fake tits and cutting your dick off in the same week?)


Monday, September 7, 2009

Guess who's back?

Ten things I’ve been up to since we last spoke

1. I went to see Kathy Griffin do stand-up. Let’s get one thing straight. This bitch is funny. Honestly, and please no offense Caity, Kathy Griffin could write for A&M. When she made a reference to Michael Jackson fist fucking Macaulay Culkin I knew she was the real deal. I wanted to buy one of the shirts that said ‘I’d go straight for Kathy Griffin’ but I don’t want to lead KK on. Get it KK? You’re gay.

2. I took batting practice at AT&T park. Seriously. It was almost too much to take in. I took a total of about 50 pitches. I made solid contact on most. I had enough line drives and deep flies to make me feel like Shawn Merriman after his bisexual girlfriend Tila Tequilla’s cell phone keeps blowing up with ‘wanna muff bump?’ texts. I was amped.

3. Jericho and I had a full man day. Not just a man date. It included 3 rounds of bowling (I took 2 of 3), watching ‘It Might Get Loud’, endless beers, steaks the size of David Wright’s helmet and concluded with whiskey and a fantasy football draft. Sometimes I wonder if we were gay if we’d be married by now. It would never happen though. Jericho is a horrible kisser.

4. I reloaded my online sports betting account. Ok now, help a brother out. What are you thinking for this upcoming weekend? Anyone else feel like the Chargers are going to run rip shit in Oakland on Monday night and obliterate that 9 point spread? Anyone?

5. I lost some weight. Let’s not get into specifics here. But I will say this. Losing this much weight makes my dick look like its about 18-inches. Chicks have the raw deal on this one. When girls lose weight their tits shrink. When guys lose weight everything but their dick shrinks. Funny how Jared from Subway still has his bitch tits.

6. I watched UW play good football. That’s a feat in itself. After last season’s 0-12 season it was refreshing to see the Huskies come out swinging against LSU. What a great night for Seattle. With Sarkisian and Holt making these guys feel like they can compete with anyone in the country, our team could actually win some games this year. And let’s be honest, that’s what we’re going for at this point…winning games.

7. I participated in 4 drafts over 4 days. It included a 10 hour bender fueled by Bud Light, bad pizza and 100 degree weather. Fuck I hate the suburbs.

8. I took Patch to get his quarterly ‘Becky’ cut. If you’ve been following you know how this goes. Patch starts to look like an overstuffed cupcake. We always wait a bit too long before finally taking him to get trimmed. And what once was a fluffy poof of unicorn magic turns into a butch dike lesbian named Becky. Yep. We’re gonna keep Becky in doors for the next 2-4 weeks. Gonna let this one grow out a bit.

9. I’ve watched the Giants surge into a serious Wild Card contender. Our pitching is the best in the league and we just added Brad Penny (find a Penny pick it up?) I’m willing to go toe-to-toe with any lineup in baseball. The problem is our hitting. It’s piss poor. During a 14-inning marathon against the Rockies a couple weeks ago my brother gave me this analogy of our starting lineup. If you get into a bar fight with the Rockies it’s gonna get ugly. They’ve got some big, burly fuckers who can probably throw some punches. But if you get into a bar fight with the Giants lineup they’d fall faster than Okalahoma’s title hopes. Seriously. With all due respect to Panda, Sexy Nate, Rowand and Bengie…we’ve got a bunch of fucking pansies on our team.

10. That said, my brother is flying down for this weekend’s pivotal series against LA. Once again my brother, while studying for a dual degree, holding down a full-time job and on a shoe-string student’s budget, is flying down for the 3 game series. Biggest. Giants Fan. Ever.