Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Words “Sex Tape” Used to Mean Something In This Town

Why hasn’t someone shot a Michael Moore-style documentary about obesity in America by following Michael Moore around for a few months? Potential titles for this include: Pizza Hut 9/11, Fatso, Bowls of Mayonnaise and Chicken Wings: A Love Story.

First a marriage to Ryan Reynolds, now a duet album with Pete Yorn; Scarlett is just a museum show of water color paintings away from completing a perfect Hollywood douche bag trifecta.

Wait, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are suing someone for leaking that tape? Shouldn’t we be suing them? Look, Eric and Rebecca, we’re all busy, we have very limited time to search around for entertainment and / or porn, when we see “sex tape!” we want sex in the tape, not two drunk chicks talking about how tape is sticky or whatever the fuck you were babbling about. Goddamn it, the words “sex tape” used to mean something in this town. Too bad Pamela Anderson looks like Ray Liotta now, we need her more than ever.

Now, even with that gripe griped and registered, let me just say that the Rebecca Gayheart video was definitely my favorite non-sex tape featuring someone who once killed someone with their car.

Sorry to hear about Avril Lavigne’s recent marital troubles, the one piece of advice I’d offer is, “girl, you need say to L8r to that Sk8r.” Man, if Avril and the toilet brush can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have. Love sure is komplycated.

Here are a few things I wish I could bet on:
- Kanye will interrupt Swayze’s funeral to tell him that, no offense, but MJ’s was one of the best funerals of all time

- Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian will have a calendar marking the days and times they have sex.

- Ellen Pompeo’s daughter’s first full sentence will be: “I can’t believe this ugly bitch is famous.” Us neither, baby, us neither.

- Bill Belichick will trade Tom Brady’s future baby for Heidi Klum’s next two babies.

If I’ve learned anything from the Surrogates trailer, it’s this: in the future, scientists will create perfect human replicas but still won’t be able to make a wig that looks normal on Bruce Willis.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That was awesome.