Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Fuck You!

- by Magglio and Jericho

*Fuck you, Mariah Carey, for tricking me into falling in love with you in sixth grade and then becoming the biggest whore on earth. I thought we had something special. Now you’re so played out Jermaine Dupri won’t even fuck you anymore and he’s three feet tall and looks like Omar Epps’ retarded younger brother. Do you remember “Someday”? Well, I wish I didn’t. Fuck you.

*Fuck you baseball. Forget the fact that you’re a soulless, corrupt sport. You are so fucking booooooring. You involve no strategy, take too fucking long and are about as interesting as watching slugs fuck. I hate you sooooo much.

*Fuck you Jeircho for hating baseball. It’s the great American pastime, what now you don’t like America? Who are you Bill O’Reilly? There is nothing better than having the game on the radio or on TV in the background, it’s comforting with it’s ‘no-clock’ zen-like perfection. Fuck you Jericho. I never liked you anyways.

*Fuck you guy in the stall next to me who had explosive diarrhea this morning. It doesn’t matter how good the article is; a Kiper Mock draft, a Simmons Mail Bag, a Summer Movie preview; a 6,000 word LinceCain blowjob by Magglio; nothing and I mean nothing can overcome the guy in the stall next to you sloppily dropping one of his intestines into the bowl. That’ll ruin a great trip to the john 10 times out of 10. Fuck you guy.

*Fuck you, Dierks Bentley. I’m being forced to write about you today and just found this picture. Sweet mop, dude! You look like Uncle Joey from Full House’s gay brother.

*Fuck you neighbor who just moved in above me from somewhere in Canada. Welcome to the big city. People make noise. I don’t give a shit if you’re studying for some test you squatty, dumpy, ass-clown. Go to a fucking library. This is my home. And if I want to watch TV I’m going to. Fool.

*Fuck you ‘kissing suzy kolber’. You guys really aren’t that funny. And sweet, you have 10 writers so you can post 4 times a day. I hope you spill Diet Mountain Dew on your keyboards. All of them!

*Fuck you Miss L for falling off the blog train. You’ve got one more chance before we officially revoke our sponsorship.

*Fuck you Patch, my one-eyed dog for tearing apart our house and costing us thousands in medical bills…what am I saying? I can’t hate you. You’re my little cupcake. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

*Fuck you, anyone named Tito. What a stupid name. It sounds like a new Doritos flavor. “New Titos Doritos”. I bet they even come in an untraditional shape like square or round. Nobody wants anything but triangle Titos Doritos ! Do I make myself clear?

*Fuck you Brett Favre for not 100% closing the door and leaving the possibility open that you may still play. As we said earlier. JUST DIE ALREADY!

*Fuck you LOL, TBC, IMHO, IAWTC, DOS, POV, WTF, J, BRB and ;).

*Fuck you Colfax High School for beating Menlo last night in the CIF Northern California Division IV playoffs. You were clearly the better team but I didn’t drive an hour and a half in traffic last night to see you play shut down defense and consistently out rebound the Knights. (side note: it is not normally A&M’s practice to say ‘fuck you’ to high school kids. But it’s the playoffs. So fuck you.)

*Fuck you Ohio and Texas. Get a fucking clue. There's a reason the rest of the nation makes fun of all of you. And you just proved it. (Apologies to MoHud and Uncle Icee. Nah, you know what? Fuck you guys too)

*Fuck you any sportswriter who refers to Favre as a gunslinger and then later says “with two minutes on the clock there’s no one else you want with the ball in their hands.” Those two things are a total contradiction. That’s like calling Natalie Portman an unbelievable prude but then later saying if you could only one get one more blowjob there’s no one else you’d rather see with your dick in her hands.

*Fuck you homeless guy who screamed at me “Fuck yourself! You don’t rule the city! The homeless is the rulers of the city!” The dangerous, pissing on a post, cracked out molester thing I can handle. But your grammar is horrendous. Clean it up!

*Fuck you Apples and Moustaches. Yeah, that’s right, fuck you, Magglio and fuck you, me. This blog was supposed to be just a way to fuck around and waste time. I didn’t know that we’d acquire tens of rabid fans who check the site monthly. We’ve been getting almost 50 hits a day, 50! Next thing you know people will be reading whole columns, commenting, maybe even emailing! Too much pressure, fuck you A&M.

*Fuck you ‘Fuck you Post’. You made me say terrible things about my dog Patch. It’s just for fun Patch. Who wants a tickle? Who wants a tickle?


Anonymous said...

Dammit Fuckers, I love your blog...

flubby said...

Four posts on a GOOD day. We're some lazy fuckers.

Anonymous said...

You guys are so good and this is pehaps the best of the best. Fuck you.