By Magglio and
*4 hours and 20 minutes until…the NCAA tournament resumes…sweet
*8 hours until…Jose Gonzlaez takes the stage at The Fillmore tonight
*3 days until…the potential reappearance of JustinBobby! Holy shit. What mischief has ol’ JB gotten himself into this time? Excessive knots in his hair? A battle and a loss with a bar of soap? Some sort of silly shenanigans? The legend returns. Stay tuned.
*4 days until…we all collectively scratch our heads and say…how the fuck did an 11-year-old kid lead Davidson to the Final 4?
*5 days until…someone hits two homers on opening day, prompting someone to make the requisite, "(fill in the blank) is on pace to hit 324 homeruns this season" joke, proving yet again how fucking stupid baseball is.
*20 days until…the Biggest Loser finale when the men finally take off their shirts and we learn that despite the massive weight loss they do in fact still have bitch tits. (Sweet luscious man bitch tits. Whoops, did I say that outloud?)
*30 days until…the Niners pass on lineman Gosder Cherilus to take a WR who is no better than Rashaun Woods was a few years back. (Side note: this is the guy that
*4 months until…a man in a panda suit rides a unicycle into a large stadium, has pantomimed sex with a rhino and then gets eaten by a dragon, who swallows the bear, burps and then shoots fireballs out of his eyes at a large podium, or whatever else the weird Chinese will think of for the opening ceremony at the Olympics. Silly China.
*5 and a half months until…
*2 years until…Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn join forces to form the world’s first super social networking site. The new domain, “LinkMyFaceToYourSpace” will fail after cunnilingus enthusiasts everywhere cry false advertising.
*3 years until…squatting and kneeling merge together to form Knequatting, the most uncomfortable position in human history.
*5 years until…the LSOLS (the lesbian society of lesbian societies) petitions congress to have Jodie Foster's knuckles declared national landmarks.
*6 years until…the scientific community finally agrees to remove “tit” from Hepatitis, saving a beautiful word from further disparity and forcing Paris Hilton to update her Hepais medicine.
*7 years until…Jenny Craig announces a controversial new diet drug called “DirtyPussy.” A spray that can be applied to all tempting foods, DirtyPussy makes even the sweetest treats taste like Rosie O’Donnell’s turf after a six-mile walk. In a moment of extreme irony, Pamela Anderson will spray her Keebler Rings with DirtyPussy only to have Rod Stewart (the one’s she’s currently giving Rabies to) proclaim, “blimey, these cookies taste just like your cookie, baby.”