Thursday, August 16, 2007

Things Your Boss Should Also Say After Offering You a 5k Raise After 16 Months of Killing Yourself

- We’re prepared to offer you a 5k raise…We also think your mother’s a whore

- What? You’re upset about 5k? That’s over $300 more a month after taxes. You could buy a brand new PlayStation II every month and who doesn’t like PlayStation II? P.S. We don’t think you’re worth PlayStation III.

- We value the contributions you’ve made to our company. And by “value” we mean “don't value.”

- I understand why you’re upset, do you remember the scene in Wall Street when Michael Douglas says, “greed is good?” That actually has nothing to do with this situation, but isn’t Michael Douglas creepy?

- You’ve been working extremely, extremely hard. If you’d been working extremely, extremely, extremely, super-duper hard you still wouldn’t get the raise you deserve, but you’d probably feel a little bit better wouldn’t you?

- We expect you to work like communists, bring in new business like capitalists and get paid like Buddhists. After all, didn’t Buddha say that the true value of hard work is what you put in not what you take out?

- Things like performance, hard work, dedication, growth are so five minutes ago. As in, we know that we praised your performance, hard work, dedication and growth five minutes ago, but OH MY GOD LOOK! Hmm…weird, could’ve swore I saw something, not what were we talking about again?

- Can I offer you an altoid? I just rammed my dick so far up your ass it came out of your mouth and I wouldn’t want you to go back to your desk with dick breath. That would be very unprofessional.

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